What is Masculine?

I was reading a discussion recently about masculinity.   I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised as to what some felt the term consisted of. 

As much as the church tries to tell you to stay away from worldly concepts?  It seems the traits of masculinity have indeed been poisoned by culture.

You at times get this impression of the burly man that is career driven to support his family.  He will be a sportsman on the side, and go out of his way to show strength more in the physical manner than anything.  He is the top dog that just oozes manly man, and people just rush to respect and honor.  He will use his inner courage to stand firm against the world, because he is gatekeeper for his family.  The image we get from most sources is not so approachable.

You almost have to stand back, and wonder HOW do you approach such a person?


We concentrate so much on actions or behaviors in the sense of gender, and yet to me its more about character.  The character of the person is more important than some masculine trait that some church leader claims you should have.  Masculine traits are cultural.  One person’s view of masculinity may not be the view of another.

I remember a video of Mark Driscoll taking a questions from his congregation.  One comment was about circumstances of a stay at home father.   He immediately emasculates the man, and then asks his wife to basically back him up.  Which she did by saying she couldn’t respect a man that doesn’t support his family.

Strange how pastors can break that cardinal rule of not doing something to emasculates a man isn’t it?

Income to a family is important don’t get me wrong!  If you have a family in which income is being taken care of by the woman, and its agreed upon?  Who is Driscoll to say it is sin?  I’m sorry but ‘supporting a family’ is so much more than income.  It’s sad that so many people are so closed minded that they can’t see that.  What one family may need may not be what another family may need in the form of support of the family.  Support should be seen by the circumstances.

Proverbs 28:⁶ Better the poor whose walk is blameless than the rich whose ways are perverse.

This is a character trait, and not something that is based in a cultural role.   It’s a virtue of the person.  Support as the definition seen by the Driscoll’s example maybe hard to accomplish by people that are poor income wise.  The person’s walk is what God looks to.  There are plenty of families that go hungry and are homeless.   Their character and their integrity are not bruised just by this circumstance.  Read Proverbs again!

Fear Tactics within the Church

I was looking at my grandmother’s collapsible metal cup she had for years as I was growing up the other day.  I was putting dishes away, and saw it on the top shelve.  I grabbed years ago when I was cleaning out my grandparent’s house, and it reminded me of all the trips we took together.  When my brother or I would WHINE in the backseat, “Mimi!  We are thirsty!” she would take it out and pour us some water.

Mimi was the type that followed her husband’s leadership, and did her best to respect his authority within the home.  I recognize the speeches I hear about the roles within marriages, because she grew up in that type of circle.

I will admit they didn’t call them ‘roles’, and back then they were more in your face about the roles.

I see the same speeches today, but they more ‘nice’ about the definitions.  I have to giggle if those darn feminists made people realize how ugly it truly sounded, and it forced them to change their approach a bit.  Sometimes I wonder if that is why they hate them so much?!  I realize they will say that don’t ‘hate’ them, but how about a STRONG dislike!

The approach may not be the same, but the belief systems haven’t changed too much.  They just found a bit more politically correct way of wording if you will.

My mother grew up in this environment as well, but I know she questioned things.  You soon realize questions are not really answered, nor are they tolerated if they are in anyway seen as threat to that belief system.

It’s like today!  You either follow the program or you are one of those women like God talked about after the fall.  She will want all the authority for herself, and you can’t have it!  MEN were given that part!  There is no middle ground, but an either or circumstance.

Does your church feel safe to you?

I was pleased today when I found an article on CBMW about Defenders of Women.  It speaks of the insecurity that some women feel about approaching the church when they truly need help.  When they truly need to be validated, and supported.  One of the stories within the article showed how legalistic people can be, and pretty much throws common sense to the wind.

After several years of being battered, I was finally divorced from my husband. I began attending a church and became a Christian. When I talked to the pastor about church membership, his major concern seemed to be whether I had obtained a "scriptural" divorce.

He did not tell me how glad he was that I had managed to stay alive; or how brave I had been to protect my children all those years by deliberately bringing my husband's wrath down on my head whenever I saw him heading for one of my children. He didn't tell me how great it was that I had finally found the courage to leave.

To be honest with you?  I don't understand this.  You are talking to someone that has just escaped a dangerous circumstance, and his first priority was it make sure her escape to safety was scriptural?  Seriously!  That makes no sense to me!

Do you know WHAT that says to people?  My grace towards your situation is conditional upon a couple MORE questions from YOU!  I realize you mentioned you and your children were terrified, but I need to make sure you did this right first! 

Compare church approach verus Super Nanny towards domestic violence

Mr. Davis feels that using his belt, and smacking the kids is the proper approach to child rearing. We aren't talking spankings that you hear about. We are talking a man that throws his anger around, spanks with the belt, and demands the respect he is due.



Here is a comment I got earlier about this portion:

Spanking for everything without any training in why or how to develop personal character is just abuse, even when it isn't meant to be. This is very critical in Christian circles because churches tend to teach spanking and parental domination as being equivalent to good parenting.

Another thing, this man mentioned growing up in abuse. I have observed several times now in talking with someone who grew up in abuse, they are oblivious to the boundaries of abuse. They would never dream of treating their family the way they were treated (though sometimes we know they will also do that too) but they fully accept this type of "discipline" as being both normal and right. Because it is so much different and "less" than what they grew up with they think it isn't abuse.

(This is a part of a series of articles I have written using segments of the show Super Nanny.  In this series we use scenes from this family to show the Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see.  Please see this link to view the different topics of discussion)

He knows the way he spanks those children with the belt is unacceptable, but he tries to show justification for it. Remember they are called 'little bitches', and spoken to like he did Morgan. He uses those tools along with a belt. Can you see how his spankings may not be the ones that are used by other parents? I don't want to get into a spanking debate here, but look at his behavior so far. Would he be the type that could discipline in the proper manner?

If you notice at the end of the video their daugther Morgan also doesn't know how to approach her sister after getting popped in the mouth.

Teaching the children right from wrong is part of being a parent. If you have one that uses this type of punishment instead of sitting down to talk about bad behavior it will break the spirits of the children.

Abusers have short fuses, and they don't talk about things. They must have things a certain way or you can expect them to lash out if they don't get it. They don't have the patience parent skills, but instead use other tools like fear. That is where walking on eggshells is used. You never know what will set him off!

He is NOT showing them how to deal with life. He is showing them you need to smack others to deal with it. You need to lash out, call names, hit, humiliate,etc. He will admit its not the best way, but that doesn't stop him does it?

This second clip is the Super Nanny letting them know how she feels about what she has seen so far:



Lets see how Super Nanny approaches things, and compare what most are told when asking the church for help.

Here is another comment I received:

The woman is focused on keeping the family together - that is very typical. She's "fighting" for the family unit the best way she knows how and without making him madder. What she doesn't see but the nanny does is that she's hurting the family unit by doing that. That is so common in abusive situations! And giving people a very visual wake up call about this reality is significant. Sometimes people will act for their children where they would not stand up for themselves - and realizing what is really best for their children can be huge. What is best is NOT staying together at all cost. What is best is training these children to be responsible adults, and to love them. Neither of those is possible in an abusive home. No matter how much you may feel you love your children that is not the message they are getting loud and clear. They are learning that the abuser is more important than everyone else in every way. Their feelings, needs, emotions and personal development are secondary always.

Phil is very aware that he will put in his place the next day. He knows he deals with things incorrectly, but doesn't stop him from doing it anyway does it? This is very common as well. When they are confronted they will admit things at times, but that doesn't mean they will stop the behavior.

If you remind them that they have admitted this before, and didn't stop they will start a fight with you. He won't start a fight in front of the cameras, but he would do that with his family. He feels he is entitled to that. Remember do as I say and not as I do? It ticks abusers off when they are reminded of the double standards.

You notice that Super Nanny says if the behavior isn't dealt with a repeat of history will happen over and over again. She is correct! Their children will continue the cycle as well. They were not brought up to know what healthy is.

Most of the time victims are told they need to communicate things to their spouses, and to basically kill them with kindness. We are told that the bible states if you have chaste behavior you could turn the other parties behavior around. I can see that happening in alot of different circumstances, but this one is different. She is correct it needs to be nipped in the bud. Its not to often 'nipped in the bud' when churches when they become aware.

Super Nanny tells Phil that his "I'm the man' attitude is appalling. She contributes to this family as well, and they have pooled their resources to raise their family. Phil will tell you its HIS contribution that truly counts. He is constantly minimizing other's contributions. I do feel this is due to insecurity, but unless you call it out as such you won't change a thing. Churches tend to push 'don't hurt the ego' in men, because that is something that is important to them. That's their makeup! Show honor for them at all times!

I have seen so many times that this type of thing brought up, and the definition of biblical roles is brought into the picture. Maybe he doesn't feel honored enough. You may not give him the encouragement he needs. Calling out the behavior for what it is doesn't happen within the church to often.

We are always looking to the other party to see what might have caused this. The responsibility for their own behavior is never recognized, because we are always searching to see what the other party might have done to cause it. The church encourages people NOT to take personal responsibility, and similar to abusers look for the EXCUSE part in every scenario.

When he was called out for calling his daugther a slut and whore the day before he attempted to correct Super Nanny about what he really meant. He was attempting to justify his behavior. You hear alot about, "WELL if you didn't do this I wouldn't have to react like this!"

When Super Nanny reminded him she was there he finally backed off. He isn't going to fight like he would at home with the cameras on. Abusers like to rewrite history, and I will tell you that he wouldn't admit it to his wife if she approached him in this manner. He would get mad at her, and attack her for attempting to put words in his mouth. If you remind him that isn't the proper way of handling it he will give you the 'whatever' attitude. You can't resolve things when this happens can you?

I think at times the church just can't wrap their minds around the fact that people do act like this. They certainly don't realize the damage it does to the parties that live with it!

Phil will admit certain things to Super Nanny because the cameras are on, and she was there. Most of the time abusers aren't going to admit things. Chances are most of them will act as they should around others, but at home they act the immediate opposite. Home isn't a safe place for anyone, and yet the bible states it should be.

Phil knows what he is doing, but he isn't capable of stopping himself. The church has a really hard time seeing this, and constantly does things to give benefit of the doubt. "I can't believe he acts like that! He is such a wonderful man when we had dealt with him!" Abusers can act nice for short periods of time, but its like a pressure cooker. He will start by letting off a little steam, and if you have him hold on to it to long? He explodes!

'I don't think you know what you say when you are angry! You fly off the handle and you act like a bulldog!"

You notice how he attempted to divert the conversation by switching gears to how Morgan is? He wasn't expecting the response he got, and if it was his wife saying this? He will tell her that she is half the problem! She doesn't live in the real world!

Phil breaks the spirits of all the family members due to his behavior. That is part of the reason why mom seems to enable him to continue. No matter what she does, How she approaches him - it will always be wrong. You don't tell Phil anything. He is KING!

Can you see how this behavior and the encouragement of submitting and reminding others show he is the leader the home could enable his bad behavior to continue? He should care less about the spirit in which people speak about it. He uses what he hears against them, and he will not acknowledge his part in this.

You notice that Phil is surprised to hear how he is breaking down his relationships, and his family, and his marriage by his behavior? Notice how he looks at her a bit surprised and maybe even scared at this point?

Mrs. Davis wants her family to be together, and that is the reason that most victims come to the church for help. The Churches uneducated and paranoia about divorce stops them from handing out that help. This is the price that families do pay when the church places the union before the people within it.

The cycle of behavior will continue when those children grow up. They don't know what healthy looks like, and yet we expect people to know. Families like this don't have the tools, but are told they should have them. They reach out because they know they don't, and yet they are handed simplistic advice instead. 'Just walk away!' 'Get yourself a new cookbook, and get on his favorite dress! Show your love for him, and he will respond!'

Super Nanny along with others assume that both partners in this relationship have equal footing. They should be able to tell their spouse to stop - wait a minute, etc. Abusers won't allow that, and they will bite back like a wounded animal.

They aren't equal partners because of fear. Fear without punches. Fear without bruises. The longer this goes on the more broken the family gets, and the less likely they are to be able to defend themselves. They give up. They are lost, and feel completely powerless.

This is why I feel counseling separately is needed. Phil has abuse issues, and she has issues of her own. They are completely different issues, and both need to be dealt with. He needs to be brought down a couple of pegs, and she needs to feel its safe to be brought a couple of pegs. She wouldn't be able to be completely open and honest in couple's counseling, because she knows what will happen when she gets home. She will pay for it. He will rewrite history! He will show her how crazy she is! Remember we don't have 'cameras' before or after the sessions.

The bible says sin loves the darkness, and fears the light. We need to educate ourselves enough to see the signs so we may lead people to the light. We need to stop stating that emotional abuse isn't a powerful weapon! What does God say about that? Read James 3, and you will see he does speak about this. Direct approaches like Super Nanny is needed more than the spiritual pixie dust used as the church's approach. They are all broken, and unless we want to admit what is really happening...we can't change a thing!

How does your church approach this? Is it like Super Nanny?

Patriarchy Leaves the Broken Behind

The bible speaks alot about the oppressed and broken people of this world. God's word tells us to help the oppressed, neglected and abused.

I was reading today about some ladies mentioning Michael and Debi Pearl, and I'm sure they have some awesome things to say on certain subjects but on abuse within the home they are clearly naive. On the brew*crew the poster wrote about how this legalistic way of thinking can do more harm than GOOD! Domestic Violence within a Christian marriage is possible, and it does happen ALOT with a good article noted by The Dorcas network! There are days in which I have energy to take on those that mention its a rare thing, because if you look at the numbers it happens just as much as it does in the within the protective bubble within the church.

At times I get this impression that people are using the shelter of the church so they don't have to deal with life's uglies. I don't think that is what God had in mind when he spoke of separate. I realize some are stronger in some areas than others, but to avoid all contact isn't healthy either!

The uglies of the real world can't get in if I only have friends from church.

The uglies of the real world can't affect my children that are home schooled or only go to Christian schools.

The uglies of the real world can't come into our minds if we only see God Gloried movies, read book from Christian authors.

If separate ourselves so much from the real world as a protective measure for one we can't REACH the others, and two we don't truly realize the reality of the world. The reaction of people that DO come in with all the world's uglies like domestic violence can't be that picture perfect image that the bubble needs to have to be safe. Emotional abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical abuse all go on within the doors of the church. The victims when they start to question or get strong enough to face facts are pushed away, and told to HUSH basically.

Adventures in Mercy wrote an very powerful article I felt. When God Leaves The Broken Behind: Biblical Patriarchy’s Biggest Problem

If there is one thing different about this God of ours, it is that He goes after the ones that all the other groups forget, or purposely exclude, or even outrightly despise. He’s the God who leaves the 99 to go get the 1, who will search the house for the lost coin, who will hear the prayers of a sinner because of the sinner’s humility, yet closes off His ears to the one who basks in his own righteousness. He is the God of whom women sing, “He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Yet, in the name of this very God, we are handed books or “doctrines” or systems of thought that promote exaltation of the strong. What happens to the weak when they cry out for help? The advice to them goes something like,

“Try harder. Do more. You didn’t do it the right way. Try harder. The problem is you, not the system, never the system. If it fails you, that’s only because you failed it. Try harder. Do more.”

And if you dare to ask where Jesus went in all of it, you will be scolded and reminded of your failure. Because if you would have just tried harder, Jesus would have blessed you. The verse in Titus is rewritten, and the new song is, “Sanctification by works, not of grace, lest any man should think the power came from God.” Work harder. Do more. And for God’s sake, don’t question the authority of the system. You’ll never get your picture in the magazine that way.

YES if you try harder, and be a better servant things will turn around for you! If you wouldn't do things that make him so mad you can avoid the bruises. If you would do things to GIVE and not GET maybe he wouldn't be so frustrated! He is the HEAD, and he is the authority in your home - blessed are those that respect that role!

I have said this before and I will say it again - I have to wonder if a huge scandal like the sexual scandal of the Catholic church when it comes to women dying due to what the church demands of the women doesn't finally wake UP the church!

Those within the protective bubble try hard to get that area neat and clean. Their husbands may be good men, and realize the responsibility of their role. They are NOT Mr. Demand man, and are quite loving to their children. Its when you have women within that bubble that ask questions, and mention things that aren't right within the home that get blasted! They are rebellious, and they gossip about their husbands! They don't understand submit, and they can't respect the HEADSHIP within the home! As was noted within that article followers are quick to announce their stand against abortion, but when it comes to abuse within their own fold? They fall flat, and have no mercy for those that are oppressed!

Thus says the Lord, ‘Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed, deliver him from the power of his oppressor” - Jeremiah 22: 3a

Patriarchy, in some homes, concentrates all power into the hands of an oppressor. What happens to the wife when she speaks out, if she ever does? She is told to hush. She is told that respectful women won’t talk about it. She goes to her bookshelf of marriage books for help, for counsel, for guidance. There, she reads books that counsel her to be more submissive, that her husband’s behavior will change if she can just reach the right level of submission. She reads books that tell her to speak in a child-like tone and to act like a young girl, to help her husband feel important. She reads books that tell her that good wives will never never NEVER speak about their husband’s in a negative way, no matter what. “Biblical” patriarchy isn’t delivering this woman from her oppressor. It is handing her to him on a platter, and telling her to smile cheerfully while they’re at it, or God will not be pleased.

It amazes me at times the hoops that those ask others to jump though so that the men can feel their role in a proper fashion. Those behaviors are NOT to be talked about, because they belong OUTSIDE the bubble! Is it any wonder WHY these women go secular? They may bite and pray that the Lord will deliver them out of oppression, but they also know it will not be with the hands of the church to help in that area. Their job is to make sure she is saintly enough to be inside their bubble of protection, and if she steps out of that to much sadly alot of people are shunned.

I'm sure part of it may be fear of being attacked, or threaten by the abuser as well. You read about missionaries all the time that place their lifes in harms way in order to honor God, but most of us won't even go near that place. We have our own families to worry about. We have a hard enough time keeping them inside the bubble safe and warm.

I have seen so many state this isn't the way patriarchy is suppose to operate. It doesn't mean POWER and CONTROL! Yet if you look at how it is dealt with when trouble is brewing...WELL...and the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than Words!" We are all human, and none of us should be placed in a the position of unquestioned authority on this earth. God is the only one that can hold that role.

Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they refuse to confront sin. Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they ignore the bruises on the outside and those within. When you get to legalistic about this they add to those bruises, and to me it seems like punishment for dirty mess you brought into the bubble.

This is what patriarchy gives to men like that. Complete and total power. What does it give to their wives? Hell. A hell that is “God’s Way,” a hell that is, “Biblical,” a hell that they are required to smile about, to accept with joy. If women in homes like these wonder whether patriarchy really is God’s way, they are told that they are walking in rebellion, have left the Scriptures, are being deceived by Satan or even have left the faith.

Is a system God’s way, when it creates more oppression than was there before? Is a system God’s way, when it leaves the weak and the broken in a state of being worse off than before? Is a system God’s way, when it takes the healthy and pulls them down, limb by limb—when it offers condemnation instead of healing, derision towards the wounded, even as it inflicts the wounds, instead of compassion and mercy?

What answer does the patriarchy camp have for these thoughts of mine? I don’t know. I am one of the weak and the broken. They have no ears for people like me.

Is this not the fact which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke? - Isaiah 58

Patriarchy allows the Holy Hush to happen, and Patriarchy leaves the broken behind.

Behind Closed Doors

First Baptist Wilson posted a sermon on domestic violence.

Its called behind closed doors....its worth the read!

Thank you First Baptist Wilson for your inspiring sermon on domestic abuse!

Violence within the Church

SBC Impact has an article called, 'Violence in the Church - An Introduction'. They are looking for feedback, and I encourage my readers to hand them that! Domestic violence it seems to me is almost a foreign languange to others, and fear of NOT helping change things seems to be the trigger of NOT doing anything at all!

Here is a snippet:

Why it is untouched- I am thankful for the few churches and pastors giving serious attention to this problem. However, one of the questions that lingers is, “Why is so little attention given to this issue within the setting of the Church?” For me, in order to bring it successfully into the spotlight, I must first have a deep understanding of why it has not yet been in the spotlight. I offer three reasons and ask for others to offer more. I know many of you can help with that.

1. The theology and practice of marriage and divorce silently pushes us away from the issue of domestic violence. Slippery, but real, questions present themselves in this arena. Pastors literally spend hours trying to keep spouses together. Spending energy on a heavy issue that may cause a spouse to leave the home seems to emotionally split a pastor (it does me).

2. Domestic violence seems, to me, to be the most dangerous ethical issue a person can get involved with within the Church in America. The life threatening nature of getting involved with helping abused people break the cycle of violence at home is itself enough to mute voices and pause action.

3. Preaching, discussing or standing corporately against domestic violence does not fit well within the context of the rapid church growth machine. On a side note, it seems to me many other ethical issues are never put on the table for discussion and action for this same reason.

What are your thoughts of Violence within the church?

Johanpdx Blog had an interesting article about this called, Does God Hate Divorce? The article spoke about how pastors can use scripture from Malachi in order to NOT deal with domestic violence within the church!

• The passage from Malachi is just as much about the community's unfaithfulness to God as about any individual covenant violation, but, too often the abusive husband (and his sometimes unwitting confederate, the usually male pastor) find it convenient to use Malachi's words exclusively to bind the victim.

That's the part I never understood! Why intend to force them to stay, and NOT address the portion that making them - to put simplistically - happy, safe and in peace? In most cases victims wish the abuse to stop, but not always the marriage to end. When they realize the domestic abuse isn't going to end or even be addressed that is when idea of fleeing comes up.

To me this type of approach is to manipulate someone to stay, and is that really want God would wish from this pastor?

• In Malachi's time, most if not all divorces were initiated by men; the clear intent of the passage is to protect women from being selfishly abandoned, not to prevent women in violent situations from finding safety.

That also seems like common sense. To me God wouldn't wish someone to stay in bondage, because everyone chooses to ignore the reasons for the bondage. I mean is marriage truly suppose to be bondage? I'm NOT talking about the one flesh bond here! When you are dealing with domestic violence within marriage quoting passages to make the victim second guess herself and NOT address the factor of her safety overall is sin. Its a manipulative way of keeping her there, and you are basically saying her safety isn't important to God. That is a lie! God does care about the safety of victims, and these pastors are acting like the ones that walked passed the victim in the story of the good Samaritan! They are walking on the other side of the road, and totally ignoring the morality of what they should be doing and what God calls us to do.

• It's convenient for abusers and their confederates to emphasize only the first words of Malachi 2:16, "God hates divorce," leaving out the part where God hates it when a man covers himself with violence. Even if we accept the interpretation that "violence" here refers to the divorce itself, it seems self-serving to ignore the violence within an abusive marriage--and that the biblical caution is principally aimed at the man. Look at the tenderness with which Malachi talks about the ideals of marriage; compare that to the selfish domination of an abusive marriage.

When I hear about how the portion AFTER the comma in this all famous quote is misapplied in the fashion that the author states above I have to wonder if these Pastor's truly know the spirit of what Jesus represents. They are quoting the words, and NOT getting the message! The fact that domestic violence is illegal as well, and the pastor's are telling the family to ignore that portion just plain shocks me! They never stop to think of the brokenness of the abuser, and they fact that they are NOT safe to the family! They need to be removed so their root of rage, and true brokenness needs to be healed. That their family needs a separate type of healing, and above all a sense of safety within the home.

All to often we see families in the news in areas that are war torn, and we feel sorry for all of them! We wish we could find some way of making the war end, and have peace come over their lives! We THANK God for the blessed place he has placed us in, and mourn for those families living in terror! Do people forget that those that deal with domestic abuse within the christian home are living something similar to those they mourn for on the television? They may not have bullets, bombs, and solders but they do have an abusive christian spouse that is having them live in a type of war zone they seem to ignore.

• The Bible itself doesn't support misplaced and selfish literalism. In God's name, Ezra commands divorce (Ezra 10:10-11) in the same sort of larger situation Malachi addresses--namely when Judah breaks faith and goes after daughters of foreign gods. In an abusive marriage, hasn't faith also been broken?

Protection from Abuse, Violence against Women (or men), Emotional abuse with the marriage, or emotional abuse of a child needs to be dealt with with some common sense! Controlling behavior needs to be addressed! Martial abuse, Traumatic bonding at times as well needs to be taken seriously. Prayer is always welcome, but sacrifice on the behalf of believers to make sure what is morally correct needs to happen! We need to stop the invalidation of the fear and agony that is happening within christian homes! Sermons on Domestic abuse or Sermons on Domestic Violence needs to happen ALOT more often! Most people state they have NEVER heard one!

• Malachi says, "... The Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her ...." How dare anyone cover abuse with public piety when God witnesses the true state of affairs, even though the church and the pastor might be clueless?

I have to wonder at times what the Lord says to these pastors and abusive spouses come judgement day when he KNOWS they KNOW what is really going on, and make some choices NOT to deal with it! How they allowed headship to be used as a tool that is not fashioned after what scripture says it is. How submission is used as a weapon to guilt those that are broken under the bondage of abuse. When you read James 3 and try to tell families that verbal abuse and emotionally abuse isn't REAL abuse! That's a lie! Prayer for the abused is always welcome as I mentioned, but healing must take place as well. When you have a world that won't acknowledge the damage that is clearly stated in scripture they are denying help to those that really need it. You can't ignore narcissist attitudes, and then state 'I said I was sorry' is remorse! Listen to those that are hurting because they are only going to tell you the tip of the iceberg! If you show them you are safe you will get the information you are looking for! If you use scripture to show them they must stay in an environment they are telling you is damaging them - you won't be seeing them anymore and you passed up an opportunity to find true repentance and healing to a family.

The author had a video attached to their message, and it was a song called, "You have to choose!"

So what are you going to choose? YES God hates divorce, but he also hates how churches are dealing with domestic violence! He hates the excuses you are handing down to deal with it as well! Do you really think submission is going to end the healing? If so get some education, but God sees how they treat their wifes of their youth. You need to also!

Why Have You Forsaken Me?

Markham's Behavioral Health Linked to a sermon called "Why Have Your Forsaken Me? It deals with domestic violence within the church, and some of the myths and scripture that is used to NOT deal with it!

Domestic Violence and the Church

Exeter CRC had an article called, "Domestic Violence and the Church"

It spoke of her own personal journey dealing with this issue, and how the church failed her!

Its VERY moving!

Annette - one of the responses to this article states:

But this has NO bearing on this discussion. Is having women in spiritual leadership over a body of believers biblical? That's what this discussion is about. Not on the horrors of domestic or child abuse, and the bad responses to it.

I recognize that it is easy to link the two, but they are different, and seeing that difference is important.

I say it DOES!




LOL I of course responded!

I'm personally confused by Annette's comments.

'''But this has NO bearing on this discussion. Is having women in spiritual leadership over a body of believers biblical? That's what this discussion is about. Not on the horrors of domestic or child abuse, and the bad responses to it.'''

If you are saying that men only have the spiritual leadership role what is being done about the bad responses to things like mentioned in this article? Seems to me the 'authority' needs some education. Biblically, men are to be servant leaders. That doesn't mean they are boss, and get the last word, etc. They are to be loving serving servants, and they are to place everyone else first. THEY are to come last! ie: Washing feet story among others.

Sadly, this type of story is not uncommon. I guess people would stop questioning the 'authories' if they were doing the job that was biblically given to them. To often when they are questioned others remind the other gender of their 'role'. That is far from being humble - which is another biblical trait of a leader. The only unquestionable authority is God, and its pride when others mention 'roles' (among other things) to encourage others to silence.

Biblical leadership does that have the same meaning as it does in the secular soceity. Jesus states that those that come first must come last. They are to serve all others before themselves.

I think what is lacking is education on how that 'authority' is being played out. Don't close the bible - reread those scriptures! People may be questioning things because the roles they claim they are living are to full of pride of their 'role' and not of servanthood.

When that changes - that will be the day others stop questioning. Stories like this one of domestic violence would be handled properly. Submission to husbands would come naturally as God intended, because they are loving others as Christ loved the church.

Until that happens YES stories like this do apply! It shows that biblical leadership is NOT be given, and you wouldn't be able to see that if others didn't speak out about what it is lacking.

Why are we NOT asking where the bottleneck was within that leadership realm that caused the failure of what could have been healing of all parties involved? Leadership is responsible when they know of such things, and when they refuse to educate themselves on realms of sin such as this. Leadership did know in this case, and Leadership did fail. Calling the elder over for dinner wouldn't have changed a thing.

I believe when leadership is seen as Jesus intended it to be seen - question of leadership would stop. Authority wouldn't be such a hot topic. It happens when leaders in authority fail in their calling.

What does your bible say about that? I know what my bible says! If proper biblical leadership was happening your attempt to show this story has no bearing - which is used as a diversion - wouldn't be needed. Most of these types of stories wouldn't be happening, and sadly that isn't the case!

Its an interesting debate!

What are your thoughts?

Emotional Abuse in the Local Church

Family.org had an article about Emotional Abuse that I wanted to share!


"In the pews of every church, including yours, are women who are victims of abuse,"1 wrote Brenda Branson and Paula Silva in their book, Pastor's Guide—Dealing with Domestic Violence.

Silva is co-founder and vice president of FOCUS Ministries, Inc., one of the few Christian ministries devoted to helping victims of domestic violence and educating pastors on abuse. For Christians and non-Christians alike, the nature of domestic abuse is psychological.

"Emotional abuse is always a component of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse, but it can also stand alone," she says. "In all cases of abuse, the perpetrator uses intimidation, humiliation, isolation and fear to diminish their victim's sense of self and sanity."

Making your church a safer place
Naturally, Christians in emotionally abusive relationships turn to their churches and pastors for help. Some feel loved and accepted unconditionally; others walk away more deeply wounded.

Dr. Tim Clinton, President of the American Association of Christian Counselors, says the impact of emotional abuse can wreak havoc on one's spiritual life.




"It's tough to believe in the fidelity of God, if all you're experiencing is ongoing abuse in your life," he says.

He challenges churches to take time to address these kinds of issues because "it deeply impacts how these women do intimacy with the Father. If our goal is spiritual vitality—spiritual growth and formation—we need to train people in how to do relationships and intimacy better."

Paul Hegstrom goes a step farther, saying that the church often turns a blind eye when confronted by someone who has been emotionally abused.

"It is a sad state of affairs in the church that when a woman has been abused, it seems that the congregation, her friends, and her clergy shy away from dealing with the situation," he writes in Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them—Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse. "She feels forsaken by those she should be able to lean on the most."2

Forsaken, Hegstrom says, because of an incorrect interpretation of the Scripture.

"Many times in a Church world, submission is held over the heads of women by men who are emotionally manipulative or abusive in order to get their way and maintain power and control."

Do you know someone like this?



Someone like Mark?

He and his wife Janet signed up for a Bible study. Mark instructed Janet not to speak during the Bible study, telling her "women are to keep silent in the churches" (1 Cor. 14:34).

Although Janet had questions, she remained silent in order to "submit" to her husband. Like many abusers, Mark distorted Scripture to manipulate his wife's behavior.

"Ephesians 5:24-28 reminds us that as Christ died for the Church, a man should give his life for his wife,"3 writes Hegstrom.

Caring for victims of emotional abuse
Pastors can help men better understand their biblical role in marriage by providing balanced teaching on Ephesians 5:22-28, offering marriage classes and counseling and modeling a loving relationship with their wives.

Besides helping men understand their role as husbands, Silva says there are ways pastors can show compassion to victims of emotional abuse—and foster a compassionate atmosphere within the church:

Validate her feelings.
Listen to the victim's story.
Provide a safe place for women and children in crisis. Provide wise counsel to victims that will not put her in more danger.
Assess her level of safety, and if she is in danger, take action to help her get to a safe place.
Refer the victim and abuser to a professional Christian counselor who is experienced with domestic violence issues.
Educate yourself, your staff and your congregation on issues of domestic violence.
Invite guest speakers to address the topic.
Include a study on family violence and the prevention of violence in the adult Sunday school curriculum.
Display brochures, newsletters and information about domestic violence where others can easily access them.
Offer support and unconditional love. Connect victims with support groups, prayer partners and provide ongoing emotional and practical support. Prepare to offer support and guidance for years, not days or months, even if the victim is receiving professional counseling.
Confront the abuser in accordance with Matthew 18:15-17. Remove the individual from leadership or fellowship, as appropriate. However, the ultimate goal of confrontation, as emphasized in Galatians 6:1, is repentance and restoration.
Along with loving confrontation, pastors should encourage the abuser to join a treatment program. An organization that can help is Life Skills International, found online at http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/. Founded by Paul Hegstrom, a former abuser, the program addresses abuse from a biblical perspective.



Men, women and children caught in the cycle of emotional abuse need practical, emotional and spiritual support. Shouldn't pastors and churches volunteer for the front lines when it comes to addressing emotional abuse and other forms of domestic violence?

Victims want and need support from their churches. Take steps to make your church a safe place, where victims and their abusers can find grace, love and healing.

Copyright © 2007 Mary J. Yerkes. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Husbands, God Hates Divorce… But He Also Hates…

Portion of an article written by: By Kevin McCarthy

What am I getting at? I have personally known men – professing Christian men – who have treated their wives shabbily by intimidating them, domineering them, belittling them, dealing deceitfully with them, ordering them around like slaves, who have seemed to think their wives were their captives because, “God hates divorce.” Yes, God hates divorce, but he also hates these men and what they do. They seem to think that because the Bible tells the wife to submit to her husband, that automatically makes the husband “Dictator for Life” with a mandate for iron-fisted command. They might have heard somewhere that the husband has certain responsibilities towards his wife, but they certainly don’t act as if they have any idea what those responsibilities are, and they fail to see how the husband’s responsibilities actually make him the wife’s servant!



This is written to these men, who proudly proclaim that divorce is not an option (at least for the beleaguered wife) because “God hates divorce”. Do you deal treacherously with the wife and companion of covenant whom God has joined to you? Do you draw the line at divorce, and yet treat your wife like a bond slave or servant? Do you yell at her? Abase her? Threaten her verbally or physically? Do you use God’s Word as a cudgel and beat her with such proclamations as, “The wife must be submissive! You have no choice but to do everything I tell you to do!”? Do you “lord it over your wife”? And when she cannot take the abuse, do you remind her that “God hates divorce!”? God hates what you are doing right now!




Divorce isn’t the only thing that God hates, but some self-righteous men are perfectly willing to practice one or many of these things against their wives so long as they can shackle the poor woman to themselves by means of God’s hatred of divorce. It’s good to be concerned about avoiding things that God hates, but hypocritical to take a stand for something that benefits you while ignoring other things that are equally hated by God, and practicing them on a daily basis. It is hypocritical, also, to insist that the wife kowtow submissively at her husband’s feet, while completely disregarding his God-ordained responsibility to love his wife. “I DO love her!” you insist, but you lack understanding. The Bible is specific regarding not only THAT you love her, but HOW you love her as well. A husband is directed to love his wife AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH!



Eph 5:24-33



25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.



Excuse me – HOW is the husband to love his wife? Like our Lord and Savior loves the Church! He is to sacrifice his own desires and needs (so-called) for his wife! He is to give his very life, if called-for, to protect his wife! He is to love her as Christ loves the Church, and do everything for her good rather than his own! He is to nourish and cherish her, at least as much as his own body. This is love, gentlemen! This is Agape love. It is the kind of love we should have for one another (Rom 13:8, Eph 4:2, 1 Thess 3:12, Heb 10:24, etc.). Agape love is the unique telltale of being a Christian (Jn 13:34); sacrificial love, here made especially poignant in the marriage relationship. And it is here connected with a mystery, and that mystery is in the fact that the Christian marriage is a reflection of the relationship Christ has with the Church. He is the bridegroom (Jn 3:29; Rev 18:23), and the Christian husband is to represent Him. The Church is the bride (Jn 3:29; Rev 18:23, 19:7), and the Christian wife is to represent the Church. Think about that, fellas, the next time you shout at your wife because dinner wasn’t ready on time or the laundry wasn’t done. Notice that the wife is not admonished to love the husband in this manner! She is submit and respect her husband, but the husband is to consider her more important than himself, to put her first, and to serve her through his love!



Have you heard this before? Do you know this, and yet refuse to (or claim you are unable to) obey your Lord? Are you sinning against your wife? Are you doing things that God hates, while hypocritically demanding submission and keeping her a prisoner by standing against divorce (God hates it!)? Divorce is not all God hates.



Here are some things that God says He hates, and yet many of these things occur in some “Christian” homes with regularity:



Prov 6:16-19



16 There are six things which the LORD hates,

Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him:

17 Haughty eyes, a lying tongue,

And hands that shed innocent blood,

18 A heart that devises wicked plans,

Feet that run rapidly to evil,

19 A false witness who utters lies,

And one who spreads strife among brothers.



1. Haughty eyes (The pride of position, lording it over another.)

2. A lying tongue

3. Hands that shed innocent blood

4. A heart that devises wicked plans

5. Feet that run rapidly to evil

6. A false witness

7. One who spreads strife among brothers



Ps 5:5



5 The boastful shall not stand before Thine eyes;

Thou dost hate all who do iniquity.



8. All who do iniquity (sin) – Notice, He hates the person, and not just the sin!



Zech 8:17



17'Also let none of you devise evil in your heart against another, and do not love perjury; for all these are what I hate,' declares the LORD. "



9. (Those) who devise evil (in their) heart against another

10. perjury



Mal 2:16



16 "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "



11. divorce

12. (wrongdoers)



Rev 2:6-7

6'Yet this you do have, that you hate the deeds of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.



13. the deeds of the Nicolaitans



[This one is especially interesting because it bears directly on our topic. “How?” you ask, “I looked it up and it’s talking about some ancient followers of some dude named Nicholas who was teaching stuff like Balaam.” That’s what you may find in many Bible dictionaries concerning the proper noun “Nicolaitans”, but the really interesting thing is that there is no need or warrant for the word to be a proper noun, transliterated from the Greek, rather than a compound word translated from the Greek. The translation would be something like conquerors of the people, or those who lord it over the people. In fact, if you abuse your headship within the home, if you “lord it over” your wife, give orders, treat her as a servant; if you do anything but lead by your example, with compassion, putting her first, YOU MAY BE A NICOLAITAN:





The word "Nicos" means "to elevate oneself above" and "Laos" means "the ordinary people" (the laity). Nicolaitans were people who elevated themselves above the ordinary people. In the book of Revelation (Ch.2:6,15) Jesus says that He despises this doctrine. (Pastor Boaz Gill - http://www.shaffaf.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=Publication&id=31)

The root of the word Nicolaitans comes from Greek nikao, to conquer or overcome, and laos, which means people and which the word laity comes from. The two words together especially means the destruction of the people and refers to the earliest form of what we call a priestly order or clergy which later on in church history divided people and allowed for leadership other than those led by the spirit of the risen Lord Jesus Christ. A good translation of Nicolaitan would be "those who prevail over the people." (http://latter-rain.com/eschae/nicola.htm)

The name, Nicolaitanes, is a compound word which is composed of three Greek words, and which, because of being a proper noun, is transferred [transliterated] instead of being translated into English. As thus transferred, it is subject to the laws of Greek construction in regard to ellipsis, contraction and phonetics.

The Greek words used in its construction are first: "Nikos," of which we use the English equivalents instead of the Greek letters, as we shall also of the other two. Nikos is defined as "a conquest; victory; triumph; the conquered; and by implication, dominancy over the defeated." Another transferred [transliterated] name in which this term is used is "Nicopolis," i.e., Niko - conquest; polis city. Hence, the city of conquest, or city of victory. Also "Andro" -- "nikos;" a man of conquest, of victory.

The second term used in the name under consideration is "laos," -- people, another use of which is Nicolas, which is transferred and is composed of Nikoslaos and means one who is "victorious over the people," the letter "s" being, in both words, the nominative case ending, which is retained only at the end of the word to denote the case, while "a" short and "o" short are contracted into "a" long.

Laodiceans

Also, a still further transferred use of "laos" is found in the name Lao(s)diceans, compounded with dike or dice as the Greek "k" is the equivalent English "c." Thus, in the name Laodiceans, we have laos -- "people" and dice judgment, or vengeance, i.e., the people of my judgment, or of my vengeance. Also the Greek word la(ic)os means "laymen," of which laos is the root and stem, which selfsame word, with the "o" short contracted to "i", to which root and stem the plural definite article ton is joined to form laiton -- is a Greek phrase meaning "the laity."

The third and last word entering into the construction of the proper name Nicolaitanes is ton, in which omega, the long "o", is contracted into long "a", thus making the word "tan" which is the genitive case plural in all the genders of the definite article the. Therefore, we have, without the legal Greek construction, the English hyphenated word Nickos-laoston, but which, with its lawful elisions and contractions, becomes the English name: Nicolaitanes, the full meaning of which, in its native tongue and in its ecclesiastical setting, is that the bishops and prelates of the Church have gained a triumphal victory or conquest over the laiton -- the laity -- until they have been compelled to submit to the arbitrary dominion of men who have become that thing which God hates: "Lords over God's heritage." (Written by: J. H. Allen (author of Judah's Sceptre and Joseph's Birthright)}

God HATES the ones who “lord it over” their brothers and sisters! How can a husband ever justify lording it over his believing wife? He is in the position of headship because that is the role God has ordained for him , but headship does not equate with autocracy. Christians are not supposed to lead in this way!



Luke 22:25-30



25 And He said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who have authority over them are called 'Benefactors.' 26 But not so with you, but let him who is the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as the servant. 27 For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table, or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at the table? But I am among you as the one who serves. 28 And you are those who have stood by Me in My trials; 29 and just as My Father has granted Me a kingdom, I grant you 30 that you may eat and drink at My table in My kingdom, and you will sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel.



We are to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. All around us in this secular world, the god of this world (Satan 2 Cor 4:4) has blinded men’s eyes to true leadership, and perverted what headship really means. If you want to be a Christian leader, or head of a Christian home, you will “become as the youngest, and the leader as the servant.” As you love your wife in the same way Christ loves the Church, she will stand with you in your trials, and it may be a stretch from the above reference, but it seems to me you should reward her by treating her like royalty.



We husbands are specifically directed to love our wives in the same way that Christ loves the church. Do that, fellows, and you will turn away much anger and win even a “shrew” as Shakespeare imagined her. We are directed specifically to treat our wives as a “WEAKER VESSEL”. This doesn’t mean belittling her, taunting or teasing her: “I’m stronger than you, you wimp!” No! What it means is that your wife is not a man! If, when you’re “out with the boys”, you punch each other in the arm, tell crude jokes at each other’s expense, and make fun of each other when you think someone’s acting like a dork, that’s one thing (and there are a few issues here as well, but we won’t get into that now.). The problem is that a lot of guys (“Christian” guys!) treat their wives that way! They don’t take into account that God says men and women are different! When He says that that we are to treat our wives as weaker vessels, the context itself tells us what that means. God wants us to deal with them gently, and in an understanding way, to grant her honor as an equal and fellow heir in Christ. Furthermore, it is clear that if we don’t treat our wives in this way, we cannot expect God to answer our prayers:





You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)



Numerous references can be cited showing that we are to defend and strengthen the weak, rather than tearing them down (Ps 82:4; 1 Thess. 5:14, etc.) Rather than putting our wives down, as I have personally heard many times from professing Christian men, we are to build her up as a fellow Christian (1 Thess 5:11), and show her honor:



honor NT:5092

time (tee-may'); from NT:5099; a value, i.e. money paid, or (concretely and collectively) valuables; by analogy, esteem (especially of the highest degree), or the dignity itself:

KJV - honour, precious, price, some.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



We are to esteem our wives! They are precious!



Many are the “deeds of the flesh” in a marriage. What do I mean? Just look at the list:



Gal 5:19-21



19 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, 21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.



In the world, marriage is the prime breeding ground for most of these things. Look at the list again if you think I’m wrong. Today’s marriages are rampant with these things, because the world has perverted marriage. Is that a surprise? If the Christian marriage is to reflect Christ and the Church, wouldn’t you expect it to be a target of the world, the flesh and the devil? Television and the movies promote immorality (KJV – Adultery), impurity and sensuality both outside and within marriage, and it is common for married men and women to be “on the prowl.” These are deeds of the flesh, and clearly sin, but so are the other items.



- enmity NT:2189 echthra (ekh'-thrah); feminine of NT:2190; hostility; by implication, a reason for opposition:

KJV - enmity, hatred.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



- strife NT:2054 eris (er'-is); of uncertain affinity; a quarrel, i.e. (by implication) wrangling:

KJV - contention, debate, strife, variance.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



- jealousy NT:2205 zelos (dzay'-los); from NT:2204; properly, heat, i.e. (figuratively) "zeal" (in a favorable sense, ardor; in an unfavorable one, jealousy, as of a husband [figuratively, of God], or an enemy, malice):

KJV - emulation, envy (-ing), fervent mind, indignation, jealousy, zeal.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



- outbursts of anger NT:2372

thumos (thoo-mos'); from NT:2380; passion (as if breathing hard):

KJV - fierceness, indignation, wrath. Compare NT:5590.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



- disputes NT:2052 eritheia

a courting distinction, a desire to put oneself forward, a partisan and factious spirit which does not disdain low arts; partisanship, factiousness: James 3:14,16

(from Thayer's Greek Lexicon, Electronic Database. Copyright (c) 2000 by Biblesoft)



- dissensions NT:1370 dichostsis (dee-khos-tas-ee'-ah); from a derivative of NT:1364 and NT:4714; disunion, i.e. (figuratively) dissension:

KJV - division, sedition.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



- factions NT:139 hairesis, haireseoos, hee;

1. act of taking, capture

2. choosing, choice,

3. that which is chosen, a chosen course of thought and action

4. a body of men separating themselves from others and following their own tenets (a sect or party)

5. dissensions arising from diversity of opinions and aims: Gal 5:20; 1 Cor 11:19.

(from Thayer's Greek Lexicon, Electronic Database. Copyright (c) 2000 by Biblesoft)



- envying NT:5355 phthonos (fthon'-os); probably akin to the base of NT:5351; ill-will (as detraction), i.e. jealousy (spite):

KJV - envy.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



- drunkenness NT:3178 methe (meth'-ay); apparently a primary word; an intoxicant, i.e. (by implication) intoxication:

KJV - drunkenness.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



- carousing NT:2970 komos (ko'-mos); from NT:2749; a carousal (as if letting loose):

KJV - revelling, rioting.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



This sounds almost like vignettes from a modern marriage, doesn’t it? Many elements of the above creep into supposedly Christian homes as well, and much to their detriment. Doesn’t it give you pause when the Word says about such things that, “I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.”? Emphasis is due here: THOSE WHO PRACTICE SUCH THINGS WILL NOT INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD! Yes, “practice” is in the present tense, a continuous action, and probably is referring to the unsaved, but then, if you’re continuously practicing such things, can you possibly be saved? “No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.” (1 John 3:9). The one who continually practices sin as a pattern of life is not born of God – is not saved. That person has a mere intellectual belief and is fooling himself. If, as a pattern of life, you treat your wife in this way, sinning against her continually, then you must question whether or not you are of the family of God at all.



The opposite of the deeds of the flesh is the fruit of the Spirit, gentlemen. These actions are the result of the indwelling Holy Spirit working within us, perfecting us (Phil 1:8):



Gal 5:22-24



22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.



This is how we should be acting, with our wives and our brothers and sisters in Christ. Those who belong to Him have crucified the flesh.



crucified NT:4717 stauroo (stow-ro'-o); from NT:4716; to impale on the cross; figuratively, to extinguish (subdue) passion or selfishness:

KJV - crucify.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright (c) 1994, Biblesoft and International Bible Translators, Inc.)



Our flesh, our old nature is still there, but it has been subdued, and those who say they try to do the right thing with their wives, but cannot are either dead wrong or else dead in their trespasses and sins.



Yes, God hates divorce, but there are a lot of things that you can do while staying married that God will equally hate. By all means heed God’s Word regarding the dissolution of a marriage, but do not neglect His word in the living out of your marriage every day.

The woman's place....

Katherine Gunn of A Voice in the Desert has a very good article on the woman's place!

Here is a portion at the beginning!

The Hebrew word used in Genesis 2:18, 20 to describe Eve is 'ezer.' According to Strong's Concordance, this Hebrew word is used in the following verses: a) Isaiah 30:5, Ezekiel 12:14 and Daniel 11:34 to describe groups or nations that Israel, mainly, were leaning on instead of leaning on God; 2) Exodus 18:4, Deuteronomy 33:7, 33:26, 29, Psalm 20:2, 33:20, 70:5, 89:19, 115:9, 10, 11, 121:1, 2, 124:8, 146:5, and Hosea 13:9 to describe God's relationship to Israel. In the Genesis verses, it is translated meet (KJV), while in all the other verses, it is translated help (KJV).


Hmm... so the word used is not a subservient one - unless we are prepared to take the position that God's role with Israel was subservient! The image I get from this is one who stands with - not behind, not sits under - stands with someone and helps them.

Very good blog, and this article is worth the read! CHECK OUT IT!

God gave us all our own story to tell

Sadie



God gave us all our own unique story to tell!

What an awesome message! We all get there our own way, and have our own journey!

Paige Patterson and the SBC enable Domestic Violence!

Internet Archive Recording of his statements




I found this article on Because It Matters

Here is an portion of the recording:

I had a woman who was in a church that I served, and she was being subject to some abuse, and I told her, I said, “All right, what I want you to do is, every evening I want you to get down by your bed just as he goes to sleep, get down by the bed, and when you think he’s just about asleep, you just pray and ask God to intervene, not out loud, quietly,” but I said, “You just pray there.” And I said, “Get ready because he may get a little more violent, you know, when he discovers this.” And sure enough, he did. She came to church one morning with both eyes black. And she was angry at me and at God and the world, for that matter. And she said, “I hope you’re happy.” And I said, “Yes ma’am, I am.” And I said, “I’m sorry about that, but I’m very happy.”

And what she didn’t know when we sat down in church that morning was that her husband had come in and was standing at the back, first time he ever came. And when I gave the invitation that morning, he was the first one down to the front. And his heart was broken, he said, “My wife’s praying for me, and I can’t believe what I did to her.” And he said, “Do you think God can forgive somebody like me?” And he’s a great husband today. And it all came about because she sought God on a regular basis. And remember, when nobody else can help, God can.

And in the meantime, you have to do what you can at home to be submissive in every way that you can and to elevate him. Obviously, if he’s doing that kind of thing he’s got some very deep spiritual problems in his life and you have to pray that God brings into the intersection of his life those people and those events that need to come into his life to arrest him and bring him to his knees.

Faith groups work against domestic abuse

Angela Cain/Community Affairs wrote the article Faith Groups Work Against Domestic Abuse

Bishop Charles Finnell

It starts out with:

Domestic violence is a regular part of central Indiana news headlines, and some experts say it is on the rise. Last year, domestic violence claimed 79 lives in Indiana, affecting the rich and the poor of every race, and even people of faith.

Bishop Charles Finnell States:

Recognizing problems within the vocation, Bishop Charles Finnell and his wife Vivian have worked to shatter the silence on domestic abuse for years by educating their congregation at Christ Temple Apostolic Faith Assembly in Indianapolis and holding community forums outside the church.

"Most of you know that there is a great problem in our society with domestic violence," said Bishop Finnell as he urged faith leaders to take a stand against domestic abuse. "I think the church has been in denial that the problem exists."

"Someone has to say this is wrong. This isn't right. This isn't God-like," Vivian Finnell, Christ Temple First Lady said. "God is not an abuser."
The Finnells say sometimes people use the Bible as an excuse for abuse.

"We have misinterpreted the scripture many times and used it to manipulate and control our partners."

Bishop Finnell says one verse in the fifth chapter of Ephesians asks a wife to submit to her husband, but after reading the whole chapter, the full meaning becomes clear.

"It's a mutual submission. Both the husband voluntarily yielding to the wife and the wife voluntarily yielding herself in love to the husband" Bishop Finnell explained.

He said Ephesians has a command for husbands as well as wives, "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church."

"It's a sacrificial love. It's a love that does not cause pain and does not cause hurt," Vivian Finnell added.

The Finnell's pray that their church understands what the Bible really means when it refers to men as the head of the household. They fear abusive personalities interpret that as a dictatorship.

........ For the entire Article

One last important portion of the article:

The Indiana Partnership to Prevent Violent Injury and Death has made a special brochure for the faith community. The brochure includes seven weeks of domestic violence awareness topics to use in sermons or messages to congregations. Call 278-0945 to get the free brochure or download it here.

Debi Pearl's "Created to be a helpmate"

LINK to page "Created to Be His Help Meet" discussion

I have written on the misteachings this organization offers, but this blogger actually is taking it my sections. The above link as to do with the domestic violence section. This is not to say that everything they have to say is incorrect, but they clearly are misinformed on some things. Its a shame that they continue to place such a burden on ladies in this situtation. The link above is the this section, and while you are there read section 8 as well!

Page 79: “A Command Man who has gone bad is likely to be abusive. It is important to remember that much of how a Command Man reacts depends on his wife’s reverence towards him. When a Command Man (lost or saved) is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive. In most marriages, the strife is not because the man is cruel or evil; it is because he expects respect, and is not getting it. When a wife plays her part as a help meet, the Command Man will respond differently. Of course, there are a few men who are so cruel and violent that even when the wife is a proper help meet, he will still physically abuse her or the children. In such cases, it would be the duty of the wife to alert the authorities so that they might become the arm of the Lord to do justice.”

This quote puts the pressure on the wife to prevent her husband from abusing her. It suggests she can prevent abuse by obedience, honor, and reverence. This doesn’t work. Research on domestic violence shows that an abuser will hit his wife for a matter as simple as burning the dinner or him having a bad day at work or coming home drunk. Debi doesn’t seem to understand the pleasure of power, especially absolute power. It is the wife’s inability to prevent violence, even by her diligent attempts to obey, that perfectly expresses the abuser’s absolute control. The power is God-like, determining good and evil beyond her ability to comprehend. Men love power, especially Command Men.

This quote puts the guilt of abuse on the wife’s head (except for a very few unspecified cases). Even though it says that a few men are so bad they should be reported, there is no specification of when to make this distinction. An abused wife reading this book could, in retrospect, always identify some thing she thinks she could have done to stop her husband’s violence. Advice like this serves only to continue a cycle of submission and abuse often described in domestic violence studies. We believe, no matter what a wife does or does not do, a husband should never be abusive toward her. Abuse for any reason, even if the wife is not submissive or reverent , is cruel and evil.

Says the author about one section of the book!

Michael uses 1 Peter 2 & 3 to teach that women in abusive situations should suffer in silence in order to bring glory to God. 1 Peter 2 encourages slaves when they suffer for doing good and uses the example of Jesus’ suffering which brings us salvation. The beginning of 1 Peter 3 encourages women to submit to their unsaved husbands in hopes of bringing them to salvation. Michael ties these two passages together and teaches that women are to suffer in silence, even at the hands of abusive husbands, in order to bring glory to God. Here are some representative quotes:

Page 263: “Lady, you were created to give glory to God. When God puts you in
subjection to a man whom he knows is going to cause you to suffer, it is with
the understanding that you are obeying God by enduring the wrongful suffering.
And when you suffer wrongfully, as unto the Lord, you bring great glory to God
in heaven.”

Page 263: “Has your husband reviled and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by
committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself
to the one who placed you under your husband’s command. Your husband will answer
to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even
when he causes you to suffer.”

Page 264: “You can freely call your husband “lord” when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your
husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities… I
know that this must be an amazing doctrine to many of you. Nonetheless, it is no
less radical than Jesus was radical, and it is God’s way.”

Page 265: “For the eyes of the Lord see all that take place. His ears are open to your prayers when you obey him and obey your husband. And then comes the
promise: if you are following God, no harm will come to you by doing what is
good… You will receive a blessing when you suffer for righteousness’ sake, that
is, when you obey God by obeying your husband and not returning evil for evil.
You will be happy, so don’t be afraid or troubled by the things you must
endure.”

Again, the Pearls have enough truth in this teaching to make it dangerous for a wife who is being seriously abused by her husband. Jesus does call us to (and is our example for) a life that includes suffering – both daily suffering in the sense of taking up our cross, and suffering that arises specifically from following Him. Sometimes (and again, Jesus is our example in this, as 1 Peter 2 points out) such suffering can be redemptive.

1 Peter 2 encourages slaves to serve God in submission to their masters (just or unjust), and to suffer in silence for doing good. This was a God-empowered response to someone in a position from which he or she had no escape – a free and grace-filled choice a slave could make from a position that involved little or no other freedom. However, this teaching has not prevented Christians from reading the rest of the Bible and being at the forefront (and rightly so, we believe) in ending slavery around the world, bringing South African apartheid to an end, and working to ensure equal rights for African Americans here. The Bible teaches a strong message both about God’s concern for the powerless and dispossessed, and about the imago dei – the image of God stamped on each person, male and female. We are called to treat all men and women with respect and reverence simply because they bear God’s image and are important to Him. We believe that we, as Christians, should speak and work against abuse and violence wherever it occurs. This includes abuse and violence within a marriage. CTBHHM does not do this.

The link is above, and it goes into different portions of the book as well!

Point 8: The writing often lacks grace and compassion towards those struggling, calling women names that should never be used to describe human beings made in God’s image.

One of the funniest examples to illustrate this point (p. 217-219) involves a letter a woman named Vicki wrote to Debi because she was “tired and discouraged”, frustrated that her husband wouldn’t fix the sink or the screen door. Debi opens her reply letter by asking Vicki to take the “Standard Dumb Cluck” test. The first question in this test is “Does natural healing not interest you?” Indeed, all of the questions in the “Standard Dumb Cluck Test” except the last have absolutely nothing to do with the original letter. Debi follows this test with, “Well, are you a dumb cluck?”, then writes an extremely harsh letter about how Vicki should get her lazy self off the couch, learn to use tools, and take some initiative. Not knowing the situation, we’re not disputing Debi’s advice, but are disturbed by the complete lack of courtesy and compassion in the letter, a style unfortunately carried over into many of Debi’s other letters. Debi is essentially presenting this woman (whom she knows nothing of except for a one-paragraph letter) to thousands of readers as a silly, lazy “dumb cluck” bum.

The verse just before Titus 2:4-5, which Debi spends so much time exploring, says this: “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.” To label another woman (all of the following are direct quotes from her book) a “cheap office wench”, “cheap office hussy”, “lazy, complaining wife,” “cranky, demanding leech”, “skinny swine”, “rebellious”, or “hillbilly ugly, which is worse than everyday ugly” in a book to be read by thousands, simply based on one letter or observation, comes dangerously close to slander. At the least, this approach does nothing to show the love of God or the respect we should all show to people made in His image (women included, we believe!).

This hard to believe that a Christian would resort to name calling in this fashion!

My Christian Husband isn't Emotionally safe! My Protection or sin?

Focus Ministries as a piece called "Walls", and it really hits home for a lot of people that are experiencing all forms of abuse including emotional abuse and verbal abuse. I found that a lot of it pertains to most circumstances, but remember all doesn't have to apply for it to have the same effect. Some people call this detaching from their spouse due to the abuse within the relationship. It speaks to how the relationship starts, and how it continues. Its very moving!

The Walls are used to protection, and they are normal response to Emotional abuse, Verbal abuse and other types. This piece speaks about how they can be removed. Its not an easy journey, and it will require both parties to participate fully!

I had mentioned this article before, but wanted to repost it for others that may have not seen it.

WALLS

I have built a fortress around myself . . .

to protect my emotions
to protect my self-esteem
to protect my individualism

This fortress will not allow me to share my heart with you, or express any affection toward you. It protects me from you.

Once, before I built this wall, I trusted you completely—enough to pledge my life to you and my future. When you first wounded my spirit, I believed you when you told me it was my fault. Yes, I was naive, but I trusted you. I believed the lie—if I could look different and act different, then you would be pleased with me.

For many years I continued to believe and trust you while you continued to express your disappointment in me and made me the scapegoat for all the reasons why you weren’t happy. I was so vulnerable to your opinion of me that I accepted what you said about me as true.

I tried in many ways to please you, but you were never satisfied. You pointed out numerous areas in my life where I had failed. The talents and gifts that I had to offer were either never good enough or taken for granted.

When I tried to share my deepest feelings with you, you made fun of my sensitivity by lecturing me or making me feel stupid.

You were the one who controlled what I should think, what I should say, and who I should say it to. If I made any comments of which you did not approve, you would lecture me and question my motives. If I was too quiet, you told me I was self-centered and didn’t care about other people.

You demanded all of my time and emotions for yourself, and when I didn’t meet your expectations, you broke my spirit by constant criticism. You even justified slapping me occasionally. You assured me that if I had performed to your liking you would have had no reason to hit me, so therefore it was my fault. You placed all the responsibility of your actions upon me.

Picture me as a woman who was constantly trying to please, but could never meet your demands; one who didn’t know whether to speak or keep silent; and one who withheld her emotions and deep feelings so she wouldn’t be ridiculed and embarrassed by the one who should have understood her the best.

This defeating cycle of co-dependency had such a hold on me that my worth as a person was dependent upon your value of me as a woman and a wife. It was easy for you to use me as the reason for your problems . . . because I let you and I believed you!

As I struggled with my own feelings about myself versus the incompetent, uncaring person that you described me to be, the Lord was working through many sources, and I began to find my identity in Him. I began to realize that I had allowed you to close my spirit, and I had believed your perception of me to be true. This had paralyzed my ability to function, and several years passed by without any real growth and progress.

When I finally accepted and truly believed that my self-worth is only found in the Lord, it changed my life!

My first reaction was to put the broken pieces of myself back together, and escape from the awful control and manipulation in my life. I began rejecting your perception of me, and yes, I began rejecting you! I built walls of protection from you so that your verbal vomit and cruel attitudes would not hurt me any more.

I began to live my own life, making my own plans, and daring to dream of living free and happy without your control. I built walls so high and so thick there would be nothing you could do to penetrate them.

When we began talking with a marriage counselor, you wrote a catalog of sins—my sins that you believed had caused all our problems. Where are your sins? When have you taken the time to take a really good look at who you are?

Look at the man who screams and strikes out when he’s upset, and then denies or pretends that he’s not guilty; who manipulates the facts to make his wife look like she’s either crazy or lying.

Look at the man who frowns and sneers when he talks to his wife, and then accuses her of having a bad attitude.

Look at the man who is a master of manipulation, demanding his own way, his opinion, and then accuses his wife of controlling when she is simply assuming the responsibility he has declined to take.

You are so full of rage and bitterness that you have to blame someone, and that someone has been me. It is interesting, however, that the very things you have said about me are actually reflections of you.

You tell me not to get hysterical when you’re the one screaming and out of control. You tell me to change my attitude when you have the sneering, frowning face, and have made the sarcastic remarks.

You call me the liar when you have an ingrained habit of constantly manipulating and exaggerating the truth to meet your needs.

You call me compulsive when you are the one who rearranges the refrigerator and pantry shelves after I’ve put the groceries away.

Because you are always on the edge, I walk on eggshells around you, never knowing when something I say or do is going to set you off and cause an explosion. It’s almost like being in a war and never knowing when I’m going to step on a land mine and get blown up.

Now look at the way it could have been—my talents and abilities complementing yours, and instead of rejecting, criticizing, and destroying me because I am not like you, we could have established a wonderful friendship and partnership with each other, with each of us compensating for the lack of the other.

When you begin to care about me instead of verbally attacking and blaming me, then maybe some of the walls I have built up will come down. We can both learn how to honor and serve each other, with one of us carrying the entire load at times (giving 100%) when the other needs help, without complaining about it later or keeping a scorecard to see who is giving the most.

This is not about who cleans the house and who takes out the garbage. It is about accepting, forgiving, caring, tolerating, and loving—without deliberately hurting, controlling, and keeping score.

Let’s give up the war and begin reconciliation. The next step is up to you . . .

Focus Ministries has released a book, and I wanted to endorse it at this time!



Does any of the article hit home for you? We look forward to hearing from you!