Communication Breakdown?

I just don't understand HOW people can push the 'communication' card, and then ask you to do the opposite...and then wonder why it doesn't work for people. All to often I see counterdictions, and enables communication breakdown. Here is an example!

At the present time, my husband and I are struggling with our marriage. I am trying to be more solicitous in that I am asking his permission or what his thoughts are versus saying, "I'm going to do this...".

The other day, a friend wanted to me to go out with her but we had three children at the house so I asked him, "Would you mind if I went...?" He reacted negatively and said, "Well, I suppose but I wanted lay down and I can't do that with unless you are watching the kids." Now, this was said in a negative manner and with an air of guilt, which has been one of my issues with him---his controlling/doing things through guilt or fear.

I choose to let him lay down and went with my friend later. However, I'm left with the same feelings of anger and resentment I've always had because I feel like the only thing I submitted to was his dramatic display of guilt.

How should I have better handled this?
What I am suppose to submit to?

First off the 'permission' thing bothers me greatly. Spouses aren't children that need to ask permission. I don't have a problem having a discussion, or even say 'Do you mind if I...'. To me that is common courtesy, and something people need to show in a relationship in order to be a healthy one. I don't even have an issue with people wishing to discuss things with their spouses before making plans. We are all human and if we place this 'permission' part out there you are opening yourself up to an abuse of power. That's just human nature.

I realize that children have to ask permission, but the reasons are plain for that. We know that abuse of power towards children happen as well, but asking permission as a child has completely different reasoning behind it. Its part of their learning process if you will as they grow up, and become adults in our world. Its a safety measure...a learning tool.

Beyond the scope of this poster feeling it is RIGHT to ask permission from her spouse we see she speaks of his attitude towards her in response. There is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to go out later, but the way it is asked is what's in question here.

The responses she got is where I wonder how these women feel 'communication' is being used in their relationships. Is submission being used as a tool for communication or communication breakdown within the relationship?

I think you did the right thing in letting him lay down and going with your friend later.

I fully understand your feelings of anger and resentment; I've recently been in similar situations with my husband. But, remember that God is the One we're ultimately submitting to. Let your anger and resentment drive you closer to Him in prayer and as you pray it through I wouldn't be surprised if He gave you His peace.

But if you're anything like me, it might be a bit of a prayer struggle before you reach that point. But know that God is growing you through it, too.

I find when I'm in a disagreement with my husband that it's better for me to go over his head, so to speak, and take the problem directly to the Lord.

As Oswald Chambers wrote, "obey God, and leave all the consequences with Him."

In a healthy relationship with a spouse that truly loves you I struggle with these types of responses.

They acknowledge that the bad behavior and bad attitude is raising anger and resentment, but you aren't asked to communicate at all. Your communication is in prayer only. All to often I see these speeches to women about how they need to communicate their wants, needs, feelings to men because they don't have crystal balls to figure those things out for themselves. That makes sense! Yet communication breakdown is what is being encouraged here. We can't have both ways!

There are times in which you take it to the Lord, and I'm NOT saying you don't do that. We can't tell them that communication, boundaries, etc are needed, and then basically tell them to NOT do those things afterwards.

Another response?

Amen-
I don't see the problem here. Your husband only wanted to take a nap before you went out. You did get to go.

I see being a wife as a calling. It is something that God has given us to do to be a helpmate to the man. Sadly, we have lost touch with that with all this equal rights stuff. I don't mean to be a doormat,I mean to be a helper. You help your husband by letting him take a nap, then you are blessed by having some quiet time away with a friend.

Ephesians 5:22-"Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord."
It takes some practice,but I started doing things for my husband as though I were doing them for the Lord. If Jesus Christ Himself asked you to not leave to go out with your friend,but wait until He took a nap,you would be honored that He asked you! Try to look at being a helpmate to your husband in that way.

Remember we will all give an account for our lives one day. What we've done will either come forth as gold or be burned. We won't be able to say, "it was the husband you gave me.." We found in Genesis that doesn't work.

When I get angry with my husband,I go to a quiet place and tell the Lord how I feel. This is confession and it's the safest place to bring something.I would recommend sharing only with the Lord and not your friends. Don't put your husband in a bad light,in the end it makes you look bad.

Great example of communication breakdown. Its being a 'helpmate' to NOT discuss his nasty attitude and behavior towards you. I mean you got to go out right?

Lets think of our children for a moment. Would people allow their children to get away with this? Is that what the 'parents' would tell another parent if their child acted like this? Granted it would be a teenager or older here! NO WAY would we encourage our children to act so disrespectful, and yet its being a 'helpmate' to allow your husband to do it.


WHY does that make sense to people? How is it helping anyone to NOT communicate how the attitude is hurting you? If you don't let your husband KNOW that this is hurting you - aren't we encouraging that 'crystal ball' comments that come later?

This is crazy! That completely insane advice!

Studying to be quiet takes a lot of studying...and practice! I am learning when I want to say something to my husband, I play it out in my mind what the outcome will most likely be. I have learned to say it's not worth it and keep quiet. It doesn't happen overnight and you will fail. I am so thankful that the Lord does not give up on me

You have to be kidding me!

Granted there are times in which silent is best. I know with certain family members I'm better off approaching them AFTER they have calmed down, and can be receptive. They aren't telling this women to do this! They are telling her to hush, and tattle on him to the Lord. Communication breakdown.


I have to wonder if people see the counterdictions in the advice they give. If you did hush, and want to know what to do? You did well - submission and being a proper helpmate - take it to the Lord to tattle on him. If she showed she was upset by this attitude in a different manner? They would ask if she spoke to her husband, because afterall they don't have crystal balls! Communication is important in relationships. The advice you are handed at times? This encourages communication breakdown.

Domestic Violence - Can they change?

I do believe in my heart that people can change from being an abuser to someone that can deal with life in a healthier manner. They need to WANT it bad enough, and when I see abusers stopping because they can't mend those bridges they burnt? It tells me that it was game to them, and change isn't something they wanted truly in their hearts. I can see how that would be discouraging, but if they truly want this change they will continue. They want to stop hurting those close to them. They want to place that root of rage within them away forever. They will find the reasons why they do this, and find true healing for themselves.

(This articles is part of the Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see.  Please check link for the different topics we addressed using segments from the show the Super Nanny)

The only people that know if the parties are sincere in the true form is the parties that are doing the healing themselves. We can say to ourselves they look like they are doing it! It shows they want this! They can place that show out there for people once again, and we need to remember we didn't see it very clear the first time either. Abusers can be one of the best types of con artists I can think of.

The next video Phil Davis learns another form of healthier discipline towards his children. Remember what he is telling people in this video. He never wanted to place the work towards the discipline before - he demanded it!



The next video Morgan got to tell her father things she was never allowed to voice to him. You can see the love she has for this man, and you can see that he also cares for her!



Children that are victims within families that are dealing with domestic violence do still love their parents. They love them despite the damage they have caused. It hard for the children to deal with these feelings as well.

The sad part is that if separation or divorce does happen abusers will use these children as pawns in their striving for the control over all of them. It does damage the children, and once they are old enough it will cause damage to the relationship with their children. They will not always be forced to visit them, and they could lose them forever.

The sad part is they could continue the cycle with their own families. Domestic Violence - can they change? I believe so but they need someone to hold thier feet to the fire to make sure they are held accountable along the way. The spouse isn't that party.

How to Recognize True (and false) Contrition — by Dr. George Simon, Jr.

Damage of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse

Super Nanny is going to try to show Phil Davis the damage he is doing to his family by using his youngest children. How the emotional abuse and the verbal abuse is truly damaging. Reminds me of this story:


NAILS IN THE FENCE


There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him
a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must
hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned
to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually
dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out
one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led
him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say
things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put
a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you
say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

~ author unknown ~

(This is a series of articles I wrote to show a Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see.  Click to see the different topics we have covered)

Now watch how Super Nanny is attempting to show Phil Davis the same lesson the father did, but in a different way.



You can see that this man does love his family, but he isn't capable of showing that love in the proper way. He needs help to show him how NOT to place more nails in fence...more darts in their soul. The rest of the family needs different types of help as well. We need to stop denying the damage that words can cause.

James 3:1-18 CEV My friends, we should not all try to become teachers. In fact, teachers will be judged more strictly than others. (2) All of us do many wrong things. But if you can control your tongue, you are mature and able to control your whole body. (3) By putting a bit into the mouth of a horse, we can turn the horse in different directions. (4) It takes strong winds to move a large sailing ship, but the captain uses only a small rudder to make it go in any direction. (5) Our tongues are small too, and yet they brag about big things. It takes only a spark to start a forest fire! (6) The tongue is like a spark. It is an evil power that dirties the rest of the body and sets a person's entire life on fire with flames that come from hell itself. (7) All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures can be tamed and have been tamed. (8) But our tongues get out of control. They are restless and evil, and always spreading deadly poison. (9) My dear friends, with our tongues we speak both praises and curses. We praise our Lord and Father, and we curse people who were created to be like God, and this isn't right. (10) (SEE 3:9) (11) Can clean water and dirty water both flow from the same spring? (12) Can a fig tree produce olives or a grapevine produce figs? Does fresh water come from a well full of salt water? (13) Are any of you wise or sensible? Then show it by living right and by being humble and wise in everything you do. (14) But if your heart is full of bitter jealousy and selfishness, don't brag or lie to cover up the truth. (15) That kind of wisdom doesn't come from above. It is earthly and selfish and comes from the devil himself. (16) Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble and do all sorts of cruel things. (17) But the wisdom that comes from above leads us to be pure, friendly, gentle, sensible, kind, helpful, genuine, and sincere. (18) When peacemakers plant seeds of peace, they will harvest justice.

The damage of emotional and verbal abuse is real.

Do as I say and NOT as I do!

Namecalling is justified, and demanding respect is very common. Abusers own this Do as I say and NOT as I do very much so!

(This is part of a series of articles I did using segments of the program called Super Nanny that showed a family in the throws of Emotional and Verbal Abuse.  Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see to see the different topic titles.)

Points to remember:

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He or she uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He or she may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Once you view the video you will see abusers don't just target the spouse! They target the children as well!

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.

If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.

The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.

Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.

"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

This is a good example of 'do as I say NOT as I do!' We hear alot from spouses about being called names, demeaned, and humiliated. From the video you can see that it goes much further than that! As you can tell from the video Morgan walked away, and he cuts her down and her mother as she does.

Phil claims he knows better, but he does it anyway. You can tell that they do know right from wrong, but aren't capable of NOT going there! He says it makes HIM feel bad, but he doesn't recognize the damage he is doing to his family that receive it.

His feeling awful about calling names doesn't stop him from doing so does it? Do as I say and NOT as I do is a very common trait of abusers.

Entitlement, Minimize and Divert

I'm going to continue a series I wanted to do on visuals of emotional and verbal abuse. Please keep in mind that some of these scenes could be triggering to some parties.  We are using segments of video from the program Super Nanny.  It's sometimes easier to see and feel the points when you are able to visualize them.

(I did a series of articles on this program to point out different aspects of abuse.  Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see to view the complete series of topics)

Points to remember:

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Abusing Authority:
Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are "the truth"); telling you what to do or not to do; making big decisions; using twisted "logic"

Do they expect and/or demand that individual family members follow their orders or wishes? Do they become angry if their wishes are not fulfilled or if what they want to do is not anticipated?

Now watch the video, and watch for the diversion to get OFF the subject using a cereal bowl.



At the beginning of this video you can tell that Mr. Davis can be very nice and charming when he wants to. I'm sure thoughts crossed his mind about whether or not maybe he should have kept the chauvinist comments to himself. "I wonder what she is thinking about me!"

Now within a women's christian setting the wife's comments would have got a tongue lashing from the group. Chances are very good the wife may not bring up the chauvinist attitude, and if she did? Well they do ask HOW he is chauvinist. They ask for examples, and with each example they tend to tear it apart about how she must be perceiving this incorrectly. "Well most men don't do as much housework, and we always do more with the children! According to the Proverbs 31 woman isn't that our goal?!" I have seen women ripped to pieces over mentioning this type of thing, because they see it has dishonoring their husband. "I would NEVER be caught talking like that about my husband! You should be ashamed!" We need to break the silence, and not ask people to stuff this unhealthy dynamic.

Granted her attitude may not be appropriate with the christian setting, but we are talking a party that came to their house to help them. It could be pretty normal to be voicing these complaints in some counseling type of settings. lol I'm not saying super nanny is a counselor okay? I was talking generally!

Once again we notice that Mr. Davis doesn't have an issue with telling Super Nanny that his responsibility is to go to work. She works as well, but per the previous video he feels its not much of a contribution because, 'she sits on her rear end all day'. She has a office job, and I guess he is a laborer of some sort.

His job is physically demanding so he really needs the quality time, and since her job is NOT - she needs to take care of things once he gets home. I dealt with this attitude myself. "You sit at a desk all day! I actually WORK!"

Now keep in mind one of the tactics when the heat is on is to divert! Divert attention off this subject, and move on to the next! You don't get resolution that way do you? Resolution isn't something you get when you deal with an abuser.

He moves on the cereal bowl that was left out for his diversion, and she tries to keep them on the same subject. Its gets louder and louder because both parties want to be heard. He doesn't want to talk about giving up his quality time, and she wants him to admit things. Diversion is a very important trait, and they do this very easily at times. They can do it the loud way - per the video - or they have softer and calmer ways.

I can hear some people say, "Just walk away!" I will show you the response to that in an upcoming video. I'm not saying this is a proper form of communication okay? I will tell you that their sense of entitlement does rear this type of frustrating conversation, because as you can tell from the previous video they walk away and say its NOT their job! In an upcoming video you will see how 'walking away' doesn't solve things either.

Now we see that this couple has already separated over some of this behavior already. I cut out part of the first of this show, and their daughter Morgan has mentioned it has been more than once. They have separated more than once over this type of thing. Each time he mentioned he would 'step up to the plate'! She loves him, and she wants this family together. She isn't certain where their future would bring them.

If we look at how most churches approach it: 'we need to stop the possible divorce'! You notice she doesn't WANT the divorce, but she wants the abusive dynamics to stop. Most victims want this, and yet when you go for help it isn't perceived like this. Because it Matters has a post about this dynamic between the couples and the church.

Abusers do tend to make promises when they KNOW they have gone to far! "I will change! You need to give me another chance! Can't you forgive me?" They wail at alter calls, and say they have fully repented...please talk to her to give me another chance! I'm SURE they mean it at the time, but the problem is they don't have the tools to stick to their promises. They slowly turn back into the demon behavior that got them into the doghouse to begin with. Alot of times they get worse, because they don't want their families to speak out again! They tend to tighten their control! You could miss your opportunity to help the WHOLE family if you aren't familiar with the traits about domestic violence within the church!

Once again I want to remind you their behavior is mellow, and I'm SURE its due to the cameras on them. If they can get this out of control on camera - can you imagine in private? They will be on better behavior due to the cameras, and it gets alot worse when the attention isn't on them.

Does his behavior teach his children skills that they will need to lead a healthy life? Would the dynamic change if the wife 'changed herself', and he didn't do his part? How do you make the children realize that this isn't proper behavior as far as a man goes without being seen as dishonoring her spouse? They have had conversations before about how this needs to stop, and they might stop for a while...but they continue as soon as the heat is off.

Abusers may be very sincere at the time, but they don't have the tools or capability to do this on their own. Their spouse or partner isn't the one that should be handling that part with them. They have their own habit patterns they must break in order for the relationship to get on healthy footing. Remember they are frighten of the abuser's behavior if they bring up something that he doesn't like to the surface. If they know they will be punished for it some how - HOW are they going to be helpful to their spouse at that point?

The victims and their children need a different type of help. They also need time once the abuser has committed to getting their own help to learn to trust again. Abusers will be very impatient at that point. That is a clear sign they have more work to do. Its called consequences, and they can learn from those. Don't guilt the family into being more open with the trust in order to encourage them. That is something they truly need to earn back, and pressure from the outside to SHOW trust as encouragement will hinder the victims growth. They need to realize its OKAY to voice their feelings and reactions. They haven't been able to for a long time, and you are asking them to stuff them again. The abuser gets the encouragement, but at what price for the victims?

Remember abusers feel an unhealthy sense of entitlement towards their family. They minimize their damage, and divert off subject matters that make them uncomfortable.

If you missed part one see below:

Visions of Emotional and Verbal Abuse - Can you feel the humilation

Visions of Emotional and Verbal Abuse - Can you feel the humilation?

From time to time I watch some brainless TV, and this last week I watched Extreme Home Makeover. ONE of my favorites! I was in the mood for a bit more feel good television, and the ABC program I was using suggested Super Nanny. I have never watched the show, but I had heard about it. I figured what the heck!

(This is part of a series of articles I wrote using this program.  Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see. to view the different topics)

I watched this show, and I realized this was a great example to show others about emotional abuse, and verbal abuse within the family. Keep in mind I will not show the entire show, but have broken it up in pieces to show different points.

I want to remind you that as most of us would - they are going to place their best foot forward since the cameras are on them. As with most people their behavior will be tame compared to what its like without the cameras present.

I'm not doing this to demonize anyone, and keep in mind this is mild...and this type of behavior is common among people that commit this type of domestic violence. Remember gender doesn't apply. It will show you how words can tear apart a family, and give you a hint that fists aren't the only weapon that can do the job!

Watch this clip below, and see if you can identify the following behaviors that are signs of possible domestic violence. Remember domestic violence is a pattern of behavior!

Keep mind these videos could trigger some people!

Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.

Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

You notice how she is acting towards the end? She turns red, and his scratching herself. You can tell how many times she has heard this speech before.

He doesn't have problem thinking it is MORE than okay to humiliate his wife on national television. Her job is minimized because, "You don't do that much! I mean you sit on your rear end all day!" He feels entitled to his role, and also feels entitled to tell her what her job is. This type of attitude is very common, but most people aren't going to show it in this fashion. Abusive people do know that most of the world isn't going to accept this type of behavior.

Her contribution isn't the same as his. She giggles because she is nervous. Could it be shame? Humiliation? Beaten down, and doesn't want to go there anymore? I don't know which, because it could also be a fear of retaliation once those cameras leave if she stands up for herself.

Remember some of the signs to watch for in people that come to you for help!

Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
Excessive fear of conflict
Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)

Questions to her that you can see the answer to in her behavior!

Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

This is our first introduction to the Davis family, and I will try to take this step by step. I want people to see things so maybe they can recognize it when someone comes to them for help.

Please don't think that this doesn't happen in Christian homes, because they aren't exempt! This is very mild behavior compared to what your contact could be experiencing within their home. Abusers do know they have to act a certain way around others, and they aren't likely to cross a personal boundary that is widely accepted when company is present. Phil Davis is different in that way, and I'm sure a bit more agressive behind the scenes.

Someone told me years ago that if an abuser doesn't have a problem with showing his abusive nature to the world it could be that he is a bit more dangerous than most. I have to agree with that statement. We do have stereotypes in our heads of WHAT an abuser looks like, and how we could point them out with time. They have spent their lifetime hiding that part, and showing the world the opposite for a reason. They want people to think they are good person, and don't want to call attention to that part of them. Its motive on their part. Remember they don't call this the silent killer for nothing!

The next couple of days I will be breaking up this show to point out certain behaviors, and show the pattern. Remember men aren't the only ones that do this.

Part Two Entitlement, Minimize and Divert

Part Three Abuser Tears Down the Children as Well

Visions of Emotional and Verbal Abuse - Can you feel the humilation?

Pattern of Behavior: Domestic Violence and Faith

I think one of the most overlooked characteristic of abusers seem to be the pattern of behavior they portray. I’m not sure if that is due to the spouse’s reactions to their behavior, or if people just genuinely don’t wish to see it. It is a huge source of frustration to me.

Since every person on this earth is custom for the most part people will have certain aspects of behaviors that can’t come straight off lists you read. One of the aspects that seem to trigger the behavior is their sense of anxiety over something. I realize that anxiety isn’t a comfortable feeling, but we all have some of it to deal with in life. The reason I feel this is their reactions to small mundane things in life.

I remember one story that I was told was about how this woman’s husband loved tortilla chips, and they MUST be round ones! He didn’t want the triangle ones. Now in most cases people wouldn’t have an issue finding those round chips for him. It seems odd, but then again it isn’t worth fighting over. Their daughter one day had gone to the store for them, and was asked to pick up those chips for Dad. She returned with the items from the store, and explained that they were all out of the round chips. She went to the second store, and they didn’t have them either. She made the decision that maybe just this once triangle would have to do for the big football game that afternoon. Sounds reasonable right?


For some reason abusers seem to look at the lack of round chips, and not the effort that was placed into finding them. The family got the speech about how his feelings didn’t matter, and how he works and slaves and all he asks for is ROUND chips! The fact the game was coming on soon, and the daughter knew he would be upset if she was late did come to mind. That wasn’t enough to be excusable. The whole family got to hear that afternoon about how no one cares about him due to the lack of round chips. I’m not saying we aren’t able to have preferences, but most people can also see the reaction was unreasonable.

After the first explosion over the round chips the family followed with a moment of silence. He slams doors, and yells at the dog. More speeches about how no one respects him, and what HE likes and prefers! It was turned around to how he never gets his round chips, and how everyone forgets about what he LIKES! How it’s HIS money that pays for the chips, and how he should HAVE some say on HOW his money is SPENT!

For the most part you don’t want to get in the middle of the man and his rages. At least in their home they had learned. You were better off waiting until he had calmed down a bit, but that resolution wasn’t going to happen. You could bring up the aspects of the uproar later, but it will always be taking the risk of the fuse being relit again!

Hmm. I guess that would be the second aspect of abusers. Resolution isn’t going to happen, because actually owning what they did would also raise their anxiety levels. Some are okay with a quick “I’m sorry” with flowers and candy, but if you feel that is the time to bring it to resolution by talking about the event? You risk trouble once again. They said they are sorry, and if you are smart you don’t push your luck. People state that communication is the most important aspect of relationships, and I’m NOT going to say it’s not important. I think resolution of disagreements is part of that. That is the part they aren’t capable of due to their anxiety levels.

How about we get back to Mr. Chip man! I have to wonder if they realize they are acting like fools, and their anxiety levels tend to get out of controls at that point. If a chip commercial came on during the game you heard snarls. If anyone went NEAR the triangle chips they were given the look of death. If anyone wanted to leave the room for peace they were mocked and ridiculed. “You wouldn’t be uncomfortable if someone would have gotten my DAMN chips! Thank your sister for THIS! Its all her fault!” When sister tries to leave due to being upset, “WAHHHHH! You going to go and cry NOW?”

It doesn’t matter how gentle the rebuke is over that behavior it will land you right back in rage land again. I mean OPPS that anxiety level was lifted once again! You are in trouble if you leave, and in trouble if you stay. The family knows it time to prepare for Hurricane Round Chip! Destruction was coming, and everyone was heading for shelter! Mom steps in to try to stop things from spiraling out of control, but it’s to late. She just stepped on a time bomb, and it’s her turn for the wrath of Mr. Chip man. You think the kids got it bad? Nope. Mom will take the brunt of it now, and worse of it.

Once she leaves or gets run off he will step into his silent mode. He will watch his game HIS way, and lets all PRAY that some noise doesn’t set him off again! As you can imagine the family is reeling. The children are scared, and mother is upset. They sneak off to bed, and hope that Dad is in a better mood tomorrow. Mom may very well have to listen to the speech again softer this time before bed before he wishes to snuggle up to love making session to feel he is given forgiveness. She just wants peace, and is scared to turn him down.

I remember at the end of her story she reminded us that she was no longer married to him, and then giggled about the fact maybe it was the shape that he might CHOKE on! She was attempting to make it humorous towards the end, but her point was how insane the topics are that they choose to rage about.

I’m sure most people would think this is an unusual type of story, but you can replace that CHIP shape and replace with other things and it repeats itself all over this globe. It could be over the next day, or it could go on for weeks. That pattern of behavior can repeat itself every time something new raises an abusers anxiety levels. In my own circumstances similar things would happen if you couldn’t read his mind! I remember a number of times I was brave enough to mention, “When you buy me that crystal ball I have been asking for you wouldn’t have this issue!” My bad I suppose, but it was said out of frustration. You just can’t reason with behavior like that. When you are frightened of them boundaries can be very scary. The story will repeat itself. It’s guaranteed.

When people speak to you about arguments please don't tell them that maybe he just had a bad day. I know you realize that most people DON’T go around slamming cabinets and carrying on over ROUND chips! You think there HAS to be more to the story here! Stop. Think. Listen again. Just before you take this petty item off your list ask some questions to check for the pattern. If you don’t chances are good you won’t be hearing from them again. Most people in those circumstances are to upset or scared to tell you the whole thing. You will get more if you ask.

I'll close with some quotes from Brenda Branson at Broken people.org:

What does a fool look like?
· He is always right. “The way of a fool seems right to him . . .” Proverbs 12:15

· He trusts in his own heart. “He who trusts in himself is a fool.” Proverbs 28:26

· He doesn’t learn from past mistakes, and is chronically foolish. “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.” Proverbs 26:11

· He doesn’t want to change. “Though you grind a fool in a mortar, grinding him like grain with a pestle, you will not remove his folly from him.” Proverbs 27:22

· He will not listen to reason. “Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.” Proverbs 23:9

· He is motivated by anger. “A fool gives full vent to his anger . . .” Proverbs 29:11

· He is opinionated. “A fool finds no delight in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2

· He invites violence. “A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating.” Proverbs 18:4

Do you know someone like this? If so, here are some words of wisdom for you.

· Watch who you associate with! “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man; do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” Proverbs 22:24-25

· Don’t rescue a fool! “A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:19

· Warning—Danger Ahead! “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:22 (The word “harm” means total destruction.)

· Stay away from a fool! “Better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than a fool in his folly.” Proverbs 17:12

This type of behavior is typical for the abuser whether they be a man or woman. The family can’t get help if someone doesn’t stop to truly hear what they are saying. They aren’t talking about chips. Ask more questions, and you might be surprised what they are talking about. Could be an anxiety level going hair wire, and going into domestic violence! You could help stop the destruction, once you stop playing those thoughts of how they are fighting over petty things to the side.

Song about Verbal Abuse and Emotional Abuse

Those Words Hurt is a song that was on For the Black and Blue. The song to me was about a spouse that threw words at his spouse with the intent to hurt her with emotional abuse and verbal abuse.

If you listen to the song it has a ring of truth, but what stuck me was the refrain:

Her mind tells her
("That's not true")
Those cruel words
("That's not true")
Do not contain an ounce of truth
("That's just not true")
But repetition
("Could that be true?)
Has effect
("Could that be true?")
Repetition
("Why would he say that..)
Has effect
(...if that wasn't true?)
Repetition
("You're weak, you're sick...)
Has effect
(... you have no class")

The parts in like ("That's just not true") is the things you say to yourself as you hear the emotional abuse, and verbal abuse thrown at you. Go and listen to the song, and tell me what you think?

It ended with a story:

It's wrong to verbally abuse someone, but should we talk about those who do us wrong?

We all know that it's wrong to gossip.
We know that we should be careful of what we say.
We've all heard "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
But "does that count" when someone has hurt us so badly and we need to talk...?

In December 2006, I was participating in a discussion group from church. I was prompted to speak toward a topic of conversation from our group leader. I felt both good and bad feelings inside as I began to tell the listeners of the abuse that I endured in my past; what I'd been through. Then our group leader asked Susan a similar question.

Susan is a beautiful woman who easily appears to be at least 10 years younger than her actual age. For the longest time, I've admired her because she's so pretty, or just so sweet - - I couldn't really put my finger on it, but there's just been something intriguing about her to me.

When Susan was asked this question, she paused before she thoughtfully began to speak. Susan said that she, too, had once been involved in a troubled and abusive relationship, but she felt that it was not right to tell any details. The reason that she was refraining was because she said that she had done things in her past that she was not proud of; she described them as terrible and horrible things, and she felt that she simply could not speak ill of anyone else. She said that she had no right...

There this gentle, precious lady sat in a circle of approximately 30 people, eyes cast to her folded hands, tenderly saying how deeply she loves our Lord and how thankful she is to be forgiven for her past. That's all that she could say...

...teaching me a very needed lesson; teaching like Jesus did, with love and by example.

And I now clearly see why I've been so drawn to this beautiful lady... I see Jesus.

Its been a while since I came across a song about verbal abuse and emotional abuse, and I wanted to share. I enjoyed it.

No One Would Tell

No One Would Tell Movie.

Choices to Abuse, and Domestic Violence

I have been reading alot of stories about how domestic violence maybe on the raise due to our economic issues in the world presently. There are all kinds of circumstances in which could escalate domestic abuse, but we need to be realize that didn't CAUSE a person to abuse. It just gave the abuser an excuse to show their true colors.

Because it Matters was speaking on this as well.

My perspective of it from the inside at the time was that his anger was because of his stress, issues at work, because he lost his job, because he couldn’t provide for his family like he wanted to, etc. But here’s the nugget — I excused, or made excuses for, his rages and actions, based on the circumstances. This is the same thing he always did. His rage was always because I did…, the kids did…, if you would only….

Rage and other personal emotions and actions are always a personal choice. They are not something that happens to a person against their will. They choose to behave that way — even if they genuinely believe otherwise. They can choose NOT to behave that way — even if they genuinely believe otherwise.

There is no medical condition and no circumstances that excuse anger, rage, violence, verbal abuse, name calling, etc. You may doubt me, but this is a fact. It took me a very, very, very long time to learn this myself. Somehow a whole lot of other people in the world, even people with bi-polar disorder (a common excuse) or other medical conditions, manage to learn to be responsible for their behavior under even worse circumstances, without abusing those around them. Somehow other marriages, comprised of two imperfect people, manage to exist for entirely lifetimes without rage, anger, disrespect, violence, etc.

When Danni spoke about bi-polar it stuck a cord within myself as well. We had to deal with the fact my husband had a severe medical condition that wasn't ever going to get better. Matter of fact it will always get worse due to its nature. I see circumstances in which others use medical conditions as an excuse for themselves. I see spouses allowing themselves to stay in awful situations due to the fact they feel they can't even separate due to this. How would they survive? How can someone in their right minds LEAVE their spouse in that type of situation! They need HELP! I remember being paralyzed by that, because I knew one day he would need constant care. It was my responsibility as a wife to care for him. He raged because he didn't feel good, and that he was frustrated over his limitations. He was in constant pain, and because he didn't feel good....etc. BOY I had all kinds of excuses! I just never could separate the two. Abusive nature - medical condition. They don't go hand in hand. I just felt I had to put up with it due to his illness.


As the years went by I learned that I was wrong in that thinking, because of circumstances that happened directly to me. The first was the my father who was terminal. I remember a fight my parents had one day in the hospital, and both of them called me about it. It was a stupid fight, and they both could giggled about it later. Dad was on high levels of meds that caused him to be diabetic, and after a day of testing and landing in the hospital again due to his terminal condition they brought in dinner. On that dinner plate was cookie, and my father had a HUGE sweet tooth! My mother took the cookie off his tray, and my father's ugly came out! It was clear he wasn't feeling good, tired, and he was outright ticked off that she had the NERVE to take that cookie off his tray! She wasn't hospital staff - SHE wasn't his doctor! If that cookie is there HE can EAT IT! Dad was downright nasty, and my mother stayed as calm as she could. She finally told him she was leaving before she said something she would regret! His reaction wasn't good, and as she left she told him to call her when it was time to DRIVE him home - she wouldn't return until THEN!

This was out of character for both of them, and I think the stress of things just got to both of them. Mom called me to tell me about what happened as she was starting to feel badly about what she had said to him. I told her it was good she left before it got worse! She told me she had to do errands the next day, and she would return to hospital later on that day. She hoped he would be in a more reasonable mood. She wanted to make sure she was as well as she didn't want to fly off the handle again. I don't think she FLEW off the handle, but I do think she was hurt by him attacking her over a COOKIE! I just reminded her that man can 'high maintaince' when he is really sick, and I'm sure he didn't mean what he said. I knew Dad would be DYING of guilt later on that night! LOL I didn't tell her that part, but I was correct! Dad called later on that night to speak to me. Told me what a big jerk he was to her, and how she wasn't coming back the next day and HOW he deserved this due to his behavior! He went on and on about how she was the best caregiver a person could have, and my father was just dying inside over how he could act so ugly over a cookie! How she was correct about NOT eating it, but it looked so GOOD after what he had been though that day. Dad was beside himself over this behavior, and the way he spoke to me it was genuine. The next day mom showed up after errands - and Dad sweating thinking she wasn't coming - and they quickly made up!

To me that story was a normal one of the stress of illness getting the best of both of them, but both realizing it and making it better after things settled down. My father was agony over how he treated her, and you could hear in his voice over the phone. I remember mom calling later saying how he was just all over her with apologies, etc. THAT to me is a normal stress - people can be ugly and get past it. My situation was always worse, and that resolution never came. It was to be excused away, and I stuffed it to deal with as I felt I had to.

The second big trigger for me was when I needed major surgery for myself. I had been putting it off for sometime, and waiting for his health and the kids to grow older in order to do this. The time came and he did his best to make it one of the worse experiences of my life. His power and control came full force as he knew I was helpless to do anything about it. They way he treated me and the children was just downright evil! HOW dare I make him do more than he should have to, and HOW dare I get to the point where he must care for ME and the children full time.

I do remember doing something that was rather smart beforehand, and I listened as God nudged me to do so. I remember finding strength within me to admit to some people that I would need help. I didn't come right out and say WHY, but it was strong enough that people I knew personally and in business made sure they did the best they could during this time. Ladies from church came and took my kids to school and home. Other parties came with 'ready made meals' for our freezer. Everyone calls me during lunch hours to see if I needed anything. I was VP for a business organization at the time, and I remember the treasurer called while he was driving past my home. Called to check on me, and realized I needed my meds from pharmacy. My husband made sure he was coming home late enough to question if he could pick them UP or not! The treasurer did this instead, and arrived about the same time and my husband did. He thanked him for the medicine, and told him that he was sick again and soon it would 'his turn'. That reaction was quick telling to my business associate, and I noticed people were more attentive at that point as well.

I realized that there was never going to be a 'my turn' for me. I think I knew that beforehand, but I don't think I was ready to say it out loud. I remember before going into the operating room, and the staff was coming to place the IV in my arm tears started to come down my face. My mother was with me that day, and said "She never did like needles!" It wasn't the needles I was afraid of. It was the fear of what would happen to me once I woke up. My fear finally came to the surface.

YES I'm sure the economy does drive out the worse in people, but doesn't it cause domestic violence? I hardly think so. Denial and the system failing is one reason WHY domestic violence happens.Probation system failed; Roschelle Woyee died.
You read stories like this, and this had nothing to do with the economy. You read about this type of thing alot, and yet stories of how the economic woes will now make things worse. Domestic violence happens alot even when the economy of the world would be at its best. I think Danni said it best:

The abuser is an abuser because that is their choice - the circumstances just give them another chance to show it.

The economy gives them that chance. The economy it seems just give the world another excuse to stay in their denial about their choices. YES there will be more domestic violence as the economy gets worse, but choices is what makes it happen.

Tackling domestic abuse in Syria

Stop Honor Killings had an article I just found:

Throughout her 25 years of marriage, Olfat, was regularly beaten and humiliated by her husband. Yet she never complained to anyone for fear of tarnishing her family’s reputation.

“I suffered a great deal of psychological and physical violence,” said Olfat, now a 49-year-old mother of four. Her husband was always accusing her of having relationships with other men as an excuse to hit her.

Following in the steps of other victims of domestic abuse, Olfat decided to put an end to her ordeal. She recently separated from her husband, after her children had all married and left home.

Although it was a taboo subject for a long time, violence against women is now being denounced in the Syrian media and other public forums as a reprehensible form of behaviour.

In the past few years, the Syrian government has held several conferences designed to raise awareness about domestic violence. However, the current public outcry against the abuse of women is mainly the result of efforts by civil groups

Over the last year, local associations have been running a number of projects to help women speak out about the aggression to which they are subjected.

This new assertive stance against domestic violence is helped by the fact that social attitudes are changing.

“The fact that more women are educated, go to work and are financially independent empowers them to reject violence when it is inflicted on them,” said Rouba Hamoud, a Syrian lawyer and women’s rights advocate.

A study conducted in 2006 by the Women’s Union, an umbrella organisation, indicated that one in four Syrian women suffered abuse of some kind, whether physical, verbal, psychological or legal. Other field studies suggest that only one out of every 250 cases of domestic violence is ever reported.

One successful initiative, launched by a group of Christian nuns in November 2007, is a free hotline which women can call if they suffer violence at the hands of their husbands, fathers or brothers.

The Trust Hotline, so far the only one of its kind, provides victims with practical advice on how to stand up to abusers, and informs them about their legal rights. As well as psychological and legal counseling, women may be offered a temporary refuge in extreme cases.

The service is run by the Sisters of the Good Shepherd and funded by donations to the Catholic Church in Syria. When it started, the hotline received 20 phone calls a month; the average number has now reached 230.

“Our aim is to empower a woman to find the inner strength to help herself,” said Rahada Abdoush, one of six volunteers working on the hotline.

Abdoush said the women who call up are generally anxious at first, so the volunteers try to reassure them that all calls remain totally anonymous.

“At the end of each call, we tell the victim she can call us back any time and we’ll do our best to assist her,” she said.

Abdoush sometimes refers victims to a psychologist or a social services adviser, and can even put them in touch with a lawyer who will handle divorce cases pro bono.

The Good Shepherd nuns also provide a shelter for abused women who have no family they feel they can turn to. At the five-room refuge in Damascus, the women receive psychological help and financial support until they become capable of facing life again. They can also learn a handicraft like knitting to help make them more independent.

Hotline staff appear on Syrian television talk shows regularly to draw attention to their work. In the past year, several articles have been published in the press describing the assistance that abused women can get.

Domestic violence has become a widely-discussed issue in the Arab world, and satellite TV channels carried repeated slots designed to raise awareness of the issue last month, to mark the international day dedicated to combating violence against women.

In Syria, analysts say there is some way to go before the silence that still surrounds domestic violence is broken. They say that stronger government policies are needed, not just initiatives by non-government groups.

“Domestic violence is seen as a private matter in our society,” said Nihad Tuhmaz, a professor of sociology at the Baath University in Homs. “The idea of a hotline is new to our society, which doesn’t usually take new things on board easily.”

Tuhmaz said that most of the women who dared to use the hotline and talk about their problems are educated, and in any case many others, especially in rural areas, do not have access to this kind of help.

Umm Ammar, who is from a village near Homs, is still grieving for her daughter, who died recently after her husband hit her with a shovel. Her daughter remained in a coma in a hospital in Tartus for ten days before dying..

“She used to come to us in tears every time her husband beat her up badly,” said Um Ammar. “Once, her skin was badly bruised because her husband had tied her up with a thick rope.”

The husband is now is custody.

The lack of laws that specifically address domestic violence remains an obstacle to change. Local human rights advocates have worked on designing a draft law to address this issue and lobby for the protection of abused women. The Syrian government has still not made any steps to endorse the law.

There is also growing pressure to change laws under which those convicted of so-called “honour crimes” against female family members they accuse of immorality get more lenient sentences than the standard penalties for criminal assault.

(Syria News Briefing, a weekly news analysis service, draws on information and opinion from a network of IWPR-trained Syrian journalists based in the country.)

I realize this is a muslim country in alot of ways, but I have to wonder if soon some muslim organizations may start popping since a Catholic organization has NOW broken the ice so to speak.

It wasn't to long ago that that other countries that claim to be Christian ones just started hotlines themselves. They have a long way to go, and I realize cultural aspects also will play a part in this growth. It wasn't to long ago that the USA felt this was a family matter as well. HECK I remember that attitude when I was growing up, and NO I'm not retirement age yet! LOL! Okay we didn't turn a blind eye to honor killings, but I grew up in the south and we turned a blind eye to other things. We have bruised image as well!

I pray for this organizations funding and manpower, and their eduation reaches the hearts and souls that hear it! I'm Christian but I would lie if I didn't say my heart didn't break for those in different parts of the world, and of different faiths that don't have what I have available now. Even unperfect and far from what is needed - still more than those in fear of honor killings, and their husbands feeling entitled to kill.

I will admit I love the study of other faiths, and that is why I don't always focus on my the one that I feel inside. I studied them in college - a Christian college - and it just intrigued me. It still does! I feel that if education and awareness was able to placed in other parts of the world - their faith organizations and overall soceity may begin to view women in a different manner. We don't have kitchen 'accidents' that are overlooked as often in other parts of the world. We don't have honor killings that are encouraged. To think that all those women covered head to toe with a black garment as you see on the television can be harmed if so much as their ankle shows. They can be punished if someone rapes them. I don't believe that all muslims believe in such things, but in certain areas of the world I do believe education and awareness would help so many families.

I pray for them as I do others, because I feel Jesus would wish me to do that. Tackling domestic abuse in Syria? OH yes - and in all areas of the world as well! I will continue until the sufferings stops!

Emotional Abuse Verbal Abuse Message Board

Recently I knew board has popped up, and I wanted to point it out due to the fact it also has a section for people of faith! It seems to be the traffic is quite good, and if you are needing input quickly this would also be a good source of support.

I know I have mentioned others in the past, but I wanted to introduce you to a new one. It seems also very well moderated.

Our Place

Emotional Healing - how you get there?

Emotional healing to me is a step by step process. I know I began to realize and finally own certain aspects of this as time went by. Its not something that comes all at once, but you do know when you finally took that big huge step at times! I remember in the past I would receive threats of how our home would be taken away from me. How he would get everything, and I would be left with nothing. This was a huge fear for me, and above all he knew that would scare me...and that is the reason he used it! Legal issues and rest didn't come into play in my mind, and it wasn't the fact that he would have everything that scared me either. I worked hard for this home, and all the things that went with it. I was constantly told I never did enough, and how he has done most of it. He always had the upper hand. The reality of this was very different, but to me it was a huge sense of fear. He also knew that, and it was a great tool to use when he needed it.

When I finally realized that the 'home' and rest wasn't worth the pain I had to endure to keep it things changed. I'll never forget that sense of freedom when he once again screamed about how the home was his, and he can throw us out into the cold and keep everything. He was prodding me for a response, and he got one that I don't think he was expecting, "I don't care." I can't tell you how that one small statement lifted this huge ROCK off my shoulders. Even his response about how I never care about anything didn't effect. Our life and this emotional abuse wasn't worth the house. It wasn't worth holding onto 'things'. Life would be a struggle, and normal types of pain and uglies that alot of others deal with would take its place. The walking on eggshells, and watching my words, and keeping the children silent, and watching the state of the house cleaning....it would all be gone! The screaming and the belittling, mocking, and attempting to take away my sense of "ME" wouldn't be an issue. I would have a safe house, and I could make my own mistakes without being torn to shreds over it.


At that point he was right about one thing - I DIDN'T CARE! I didn't care about one thing he said! I didn't care about one opinion he wanted me to own. I didn't care if I was this piece of poop he claimed he married. I didn't care because he wasn't worth NOT being able to hold on to what little I felt I had at the time. It would take a long time and huge struggle to get things MY way, but the price I would pay would be different. I felt it was worth it. I didn't care. It was a great feeling!

His threats like this didn't do what they were intending to do in the future. The legal issues at that point about how his threats were different as well made that 'I don't care' moment even stronger. I took a huge stride that day, and I will never forget it. I will never forget how that 'I don't care' felt, and how lovely it was to own it. His 'you never care about anything' was a joke to me. NOPE! I just didn't care about him or the house! I realized it was his way of trying to hold that control he needed for whatever reason, and in my I don't care moment he wasn't going to have it.

I guess I could have held on to all the obstacles that were ahead of me, but I choose not to go there for now. It was a huge sense of emotional healing for me, and that sense of control over me was finally gone. I wanted to marinate in the feeling. I didn't care....what a lovely set of words!

The first step of that emotional healing led to others, and I started to see this man a bit different. YES He was a bully, and YES he could scare me at times! I learned after a while everything he said had motive behind it, and I had been manipulated for a long time. I wanted to change that and start to stand up for me, and I didn't care about the price. That lead to another step in emotional healing for me. I do remember that I went a bit overboard with that I don't care for a while, and I'm not sure if it was to drive him nuts...or if I just needed it. I know both were true!

Keep in mind at times once they realize they are losing control they may try to show remorse in their own way. In my case he isn't the type to claim this change, and try to what I call "hoover" you. Hoover to me is like the vaccum cleaner - they try to suck you back into their world. I know some call it the honeymoon stage, but not everyone gets flowers and candy type of response. Celebrate Your Freedom had a humorous explanation I felt regarding this aspect, and it shows their motive in this arena as well.

Sanctuary for the Abused has article that goes into much more detail that my huge step towards getting my 'ME' back as I put it then! As you work towards that emotional healing marinate in those I don't care moments! I don't think it was a true I don't care - I just didn't care in the sense me meant it. It was so freeing! I took my control back that day, and I didn't care what he thought about that!

Angel Food Ministry

Times are tough, and at times we all need a little help! I wanted to point out Angel Food Ministry that are about to give you over $100 worth of food for about $25.00 - $30.00! It can't hurt around the time we need a little extra for the holidays as well. Everyone is welcome! There are no conditions and you may buy more than once box of food!



Angel Food Ministry has a website, and you can search for the nearest location near you! I pray that this would be an awesome resource for those of my readers dealing with domestic violence, emotional abuse and verbal abuse!

Victims aren't innocent - they like the drama!

I have been reading a thread on bibleforums.com about an author that had written a book about domestic violence. Her writing touched me very much, and I guess I should have realized that in time - someone would mock what was happening in people's lives. I will be honest I doubt the poster meant to mock, but to me that is how it was received. I guess this subject makes me sensitive, and it is heart breaking to me over the years. It wears me out at times, and I wonder at times if it would be better just to walk away.

There was a time in which I was so enraged over how abusers tear victims and their families life's apart. I will admit there was almost hate there. As the years went on God showed me that I must learn to pity them as well due to their broken nature. My heart slowing started to change, and I realized if we didn't address them the cycle of violence would continue on. We have to address both portions, and I personally should give rat's butt what the stats are about gender! It doesn't matter to me - abuse doesn't have gender. If anyone is abused its wrong in my eyes, and God is never pleased with abuse.

I grew up going to church, and I had a family that was totally involved. My parents were the type that brought faith into I would say almost every aspect of our lifes. To me the church was a sanctuary. People - like God - that saw the sin in their world that breaks people. They would be that haven to go to if they were in trouble. I will admit I was very naive in that aspect. I'm not saying the church was there to solve all their issues, and take away the consequences of them. That would be unrealistic, but a strong support system in place can do wonders in the lifes of the broken.

When domestic violence started in my own life I reached out, and I found secular help as people would put it. I received things I needed at time, and my path to healing had begun. I was still this scared rabbit, and I remember going into a huge anger stage in my life. I will say at times that anger comes back over things I see, read, and experience in my life. Its nothing like the past, because that anger almost ran my life. I guess righteous anger took over at some period.

I'm NOT going to sit here and tell you all my opinions are right on the mark. At times I think I see the world in much different lenses as most. Abuse doesn't filter into every aspect of my life, but the cause of domestic violence and faith are ingrained in me somehow. I can have a big mouth, and can be very loud at times. I know I shatter that Christian bubble of how life is to look, and I know it rubs on people at times. Most of the time people characterize me as the most laid back person they ever knew. They tell me I'm levelheaded, and have a gift to see both sides that others may never have. I remember a couple of counselors telling me I had the unique ability to detach at times that most people will never grasp. I think those were gifts God gave me in time in order to be on the journey that raises such passion within me. I will never be one of the biggest voices, or even well known...lol or anywhere close to that! That's okay! I know some of the things I have written about gave others hope, and validated what they felt at times but were afraid to admit. I think that is awesome! It starts their journey, and no one can minimize that part EVER! WOO HOO! Thank you JESUS!

I do have one HUGE sore point! I ranted and raved about it on an earlier post. Church Leadership's perfect example of how they don't have a clue! Irresponsible ignorance just drives me crazy! I would never write about subjects that I had done no research on whatsoever! When you deal with something extremely dangerous you need to make sure you get your facts straight!

ladies, the man is not talking to the men here. He doesn't have to adress the brokeness of the man, he is dealing with the wife and her actions. He did a very good job doing this. You see we do have a choice to submit even to an abusive husband. God says to do it but we still have a choice. It is our actions as women he is dealing with.

I would like to see his write up to the men, which I am sure he has one.
There is a much truth to this thread but there is an underlying lie too many are believing also. Many men out there are jerks, but lets face it, with all the drama we as women put out, there are very few that are innocent. Women get into relationships they should have never been in in the first place. They don't have the blessing of their parents, and they don't usually really know the guy they marry.

I read that first paragraph about the discussion about the article I posted about, and I felt my blood pressure going UP! We have a choice to submit to an abusive husband? I guess that is true, but the poster really meant - as to say its what you should do - is what drove me right over the top! How this author KNEW what he was talking about, and its okay to write about all the uglies sins a woman can do to drive their partner to abuse. Do people drive others to drink as well? Do we FORCE our partners to get into porn? Do we shove drugs and booze down their throats with our actions? We can't MAKE them do anything! Part of our walk with Christ is to learn self control, and to grow into a better person. We are to strive to become as Christlike as possible. This author handed ammo to the abuser, and if I were guessing it will be an article they use to drive home the message of WHO is in control and WHY! Is that making it worse or better?

I have to admit the type of advice above will send victims back to their homes to TRY a bit harder, and you know how I view that? I call it the Christian form of the 'honor killing'. Its not in the form of honor to God as we are called to do. Its to honor what they view as important. I mean remember victims aren't 'innocent' here! They do the drama! The church can't use education and any form of common sense here! They can't see the broken person behind the anger, and you know what else? ABUSERS love the way the church handles this stuff! They THRIVE on it! Oh boy Oh BOY OH BOY - YES........now she will come home now, and they told her to OBEY ME (evil snicker)! Victims at times will lash back in ways because of the pressure, and the church has no problem making sure they POINT those sins out as SOON as they happen! We will dissect every portion of it, and use that 'Christian's are called to judgement' part to rub their noses in it. What they never do once again? They never really touch on the rage that it is ingrained within the abuser. ABUSERS LOVE hearing about how she got pummeled from the church again, and the church don't realize they just added gas to their tank! They added FUEL their FIRE of hate, contempt and now they handed them a HUGE blessing of justification! The church will say, "That's NOT what we meant!" Guess what? The abuser doesn't take it the way you MEANT! He is to busy relishing it to really give a poop about the rest of what you have to say. Why? His broken nature and his entitlement. Now we watch the Christian in the bubble crowd throw up their hands, and tell the victim, "We will pray for you" as they walk out the door.

No one is innocent in this world. No one is clean as a whistle! To say that victim's drama helps this be brought upon themselves is excuses. To say if you can't handle the suggestions the author brought on, and realize if you don't do them you could be provoking someone is just an excuse. Telling others that they have a choice to submit to an abusive spouse is SIN! We know what that will mean to the abuser...that SUBMIT part, and the abuser is smiling with glee...that's the sick part no one wants to admit. You can't tell the abuser that either! Their next suggestion about sitting down with the abuser, and calmly having this discussion isn't going to happen due to their brokenness. That part the church ignores as well. They throw up their hands, pray, and walk away thankful they aren't in this mess. THANK GOD they didn't make the wrong decisions! We listened to our parents, and didn't RUSH into something! YEP to me our version of the honor killing! People remain in dangerous situations with no support over the honor of keeping the marriage together for the church! They are slowing killed off emotionally, physically so the marriage stats can be viewed better by the world. It amazes me that lack of humbleness when it comes to that. They can't admit they made this huge error of judgement, and tried to use their spiritual pixie dust to make it go away.

I was on the phone today with a friend, and I told her I need to NOT get upset over this stuff. I responded to the poster, but I will admit I had to rewrite it about 4 times before it didn't sound downright rude! I wasn't diplomatic either I will admit. My friend told me that it gets me mad because I lived the 'lie' and I know the damage it does. I see the damage the 'lie' does to others, and responses such as that remind me of the lack of empathy that they shouldn't have. It did make me feel better, but I will admit I should have just walked away! Below is my triggered response. lol NOPE I wasn't innocent, and I'm sure someone will attempt to spank me over that! I think my friend is correct in what she said. Ignorance does trigger me badly, and the 'lie' does enrage me. As I was ranting to her on the phone I will getting myself more and more upset! LOL I finally stopped when she giggled at me, 'Hannah YOU are getting me MAD NOW!' Tee hee! I was getting myself worked up a a bit, and told her I couldn't go back there for a while. I knew what it would do to me. So HERE you go world - my NOT so innocent, triggered by the lie and angered at the honor killing of Christians for the SAKE of marriage! Enjoy! (insert raspberries)

I think we both realize he isn't addressing the men. That's quite clear. I don't think myself or anyone else would give the spiritual green light for the behavior he mentioned either.

I disagree if you are talking of the sin of domestic violence that you are NOT to address the broken nature of the person that is commiting that legal crime. Remember it is illegal. He is a criminal in the eyes of the law, and the behaviors that the man listed aren't going to save his behind in the front of a judge. Are you saying they should? They should in the eyes of the church? Would God agree with that? I don't think so. God would wish this broken person to be healed from the urge to hurt others in the sense. No one should submit to being abused due to some sin someone else feels they have commited against them - even if they DID do it! There is no excuse, and what this author left out is their doesn't have to a sin involved in order to be abused. Ask a victim of child abuse or other victims of violence crime! They shouldn't have to be abused because they didn't get their parents approval or went to fast into the relationship either. That is giving excuses so people don't have to deal with it.

Victims are about as innocent as you and I are. Its NOT okay in my eyes to blindly sit back and allow abuse because they didn't have the tools that others did at the time they married. Once they are healthy enough to start making changes in their lifes...to say you made your bed way back when in the days you were not innocent and didn't have the tools to make the decision we as soceity feels you should have made. Chances are very good that man or woman you are speaking to came from abused home, and felt they did better than their parents did. Come to find out their spouse was just a better charmer. Allowing those people to stew in their juices of past generations doesn't stop the cycle of violence - it allows it to continue. Don't you see that?

Allowing the jerk man as you put it and the drama lady no hope to grow and become healhier because its easy to blame them isn't going to make this world a better place. Standing up and confronting sin, and having no toleration for it will. We aren't going to make any changes in this world unless we grow a backbone, and encourage others to do the same.

When one starts to grow we need to encourage that, and not tell them they aren't innocent. You have a choice to submit to abuse. Not everyone grew up in the Christian bubble, and were geared to make good choices. If that was the requirements of the Christain life maybe we need to list that on the door before people walk in. They will then have the choice if they want to see if they should take the risk of being denied fellowship.

I'll never forget the day I realized that I had been lied to all my life by what I had been taught in the church. I saw them handing over extra burdens to the abused instead of helping. I thought it was just a mistake. WHen I realized the denial was so deep and so thick I can't tell you how hard I cried, and how completely heart broken I was. I felt betrayed! My parents had told me if I was ever in trouble to go to your church fellowship. I never realized that there was conditions on that - I was that naive! I'm passionate about this because I see this HUGE error, and I don't know HOW to turn on the light! Both parties need to be healed, and they need separate help! They didn't bring this on themselves, because the world of broken people raise broken children. No one is innocent, and they shouldn't have to be to receive help. That help at times needs to be more than words and prayers.

SOceity at times is also blinded by denial, but the church in my eyes should be more step ahead of that denial. Instead I see the holy hush where there should be a shattered silence. I refuse to validate any of the sins that man listed, but to say that is an excuse for domestic violence.....that is where I draw the line! You see you don't have to any of those things on the list to be abused, and NO people aren't innocent either! There is a video on youtube regarding a 20/20 show. She spoke of how she landed in her hole, and how she felt she landed there. If you listen to how he addressed her in the video you can see clearly the irrational mindset of domestic violence. She didn't do a darn thing except ask him what he wanted for lunch! He instructed his son to pick up a video camera to tape him berating and abusing his wife. Why? To use a a tool for family night to show the kids what a bad person mommie is. That's the reality of domestic violence - its a sick broken mindset of the abuser. We need to stop making excuses for them. She was scared to reach out, and unless we figure out a way of fixing that bottleneck so it feels safer to others.......that will also continue the cycle of violence. We need to help them feel strong enough to face it. To grow past it. Those kids in the video will struggle all their lifes to make sure they don't follow their parents NOT so innocent path. We need to tell people we will be there no matter what path they go down, and stop throwing out the spiritual pixie dust as a solution.

End of Hannah's not so innocent and drama filled rant for the day!

Domestic Violence Ads with children - I guess the truth hurts!

Dallas Domestic Violence Center has ads that have children in them.

FamilyPlace.Org placed some ads on the sides of buses within the Dallas area. You can click the link to see a news story about people's reactions to them.

I'm sure for some these are over the top, but the truth hurts at times.

I hope it does offend personally. Its reality....I would ask them, 'What do you plan to do about it?'

Children - no matter what the gender in the family that does the offending - do follow in their parents footsteps.

The truth hurts! YEP I went off my beaten path today!

Associated Press:

Associated Press - October 23, 2008 3:35 PM ET

DALLAS (AP) - A domestic violence shelter's new awareness campaign features ads on Dallas buses showing children -- and captions such as, "One day my husband will kill me."

The ads appear on and inside several Dallas Area Rapid Transit buses.

The executive director of The Family Place, Paige Flink says the ads are designed to shock people.

She told The Dallas Morning News that children are greatly affected by family violence, even though people think it's a man and a woman fighting.

One ad features a smiling young girl who's wearing a tiara next to the "One day my husband will kill me" caption.

Another features a boy, and says: "When I grow up, I will beat my wife."

The ads have prompted a few complaints. Two billboard companies refused to accept them.

The ads started running Oct. 1 and will appear through November.

Domestic Violence Ads with Children - The Truth hurts is what I say to the world!

Speak out about faith and domestic violence

EDC Creations eSpot has an article about an author named Cheryl Lacy Donovan. Cheryl Donovan is the award winning author of Women What the Hell are You Thinking and the soon to be released Ministry of Motherhood.

I enjoyed this quote:

The bottom line is, love should never hurt. Domestic violence is never acceptable. It goes contrary to any religious teachings. Expecting a victim of domestic violence to simply pray about a situation and expect it to go away is ludacris. Encouraging a victim to keep the family together because it is what God would want is not scriptural or moral. Communities of faith need to open their eyes and understand the important role that they play in the fight against domestic violence. Training programs and outreach can assist congregants who may be experiencing physical or psychological abuse.

Good for Cheryl Donovan and her speaking out about faith and domestic violence!

Men Women Domestic Violence

In Middletown, T-shirts tell the stories of the abused.

See the link above to read the entire story! The picture showed to me a reminder of how this issue can effect generation to generation, and this is another portion I feel the church doesn't realize - or believes - and helps to render the growth and healing of all involved. How their opinions on how spouses should stay DOES effect the children, and they helped allow the cycle to continue in their children's lifes as well.

I felt this was a truly healing story, and I wanted to post about it. At the very end it speaks of a man trying to get a group together for men as well. How he volunteers because the effect of a coworker that couldn't come to work due to being beatup the night before.

New Horizons hosted the exhibit as a way to draw attention to the problem of domestic violence and its young victims - many of whom are children. October, if you didn't know it, is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

These T-shirts were created by survivors of domestic violence, both adults and children. Their messages provide me with a tiny, but poignant glimpse into the lives of those who have been abused.

"I miss my cats", "Mami, why don't you love me?", "I no longer live in misery, I'm free at last" are just a few of the messages displayed on the shirts. Another gave a short chronological history of one family's generational battle with domestic violence.

"It was very helpful," a young survivor of domestic violence told me, of the shirt she made.

This girl, who looked no more than 20, came to the exhibit with a friend who was pushing a smiling baby boy in a stroller. Both women said they are doing pretty good now that they are away from their abusers.

They'd be doing better if they could get jobs and a better place to live though.

"New Horizons, they help me with everything I need - shoes, clothes for the baby," the woman told me. "They helped me find a doctor, a psychologist and are helping me find housing."

Peter Spinner, the lone male volunteer for New Horizions, said he is trying to get a men's domestic violence group started. But it's hard, because men don't always feel comfortable coming forward to get help - these are the abused, not the abusers - although the abusers need help too.

Instead, Peter goes to them. When their domestic violence court cases come up, he approaches them and offers information on counseling and other services - maybe that group will come together some day?

"I got involved, because it's just an isse that makes me sick to my stomach," said Peter, who really started thinking about volunteering after a co-worker of his couldn't come to work one day after the beating she had recieved from a boyfriend.

To find out more about New Horizons programs or to volunteer, call 860-344-9599 - or if you are being abused by your partner, please call the Domestic Violence hotline at 888-774-2900.

Men Women Domestic Violence.......how it effects all of us.