Narcississm - Its all about Him

Blog talk radio interview with Barbara from Sanctuary for the Abused, and she is interviewed about Narcissism.

All About Him speaks about what is a narcissist, and how to identify a narcissistic behavior.

This isn't a gender issue again, and its a good interview if you have questions about Narcissism.

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Saudi Judge gives ignorant excuses for domestic violence. Are we much better?

Cnn.com was quoted this week:

Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."

The judge also ignorantly stated:

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.

We can all see the ignorance in those comments about what domestic violence actually is. The blog world is on fire about the judges comments, and people are making comments about how backwards this thinking is. That's being NICE!

As the author at It Dawned on Me stated

I lived in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for 14 months many years ago. Every time I see stories like this, it makes me angry. This is yet another example of men…and this time validated by a judge…using violence to subjugate women. Women have little opportunity to be indecent in this country. They wear veils everywhere they go. They cannot socialize, attend classes, work, or even be seen with a man who is not their husband. When friends come to visit in homes, men socialize with the men in one room and women visit with the women in another room.

What that author speaks about also is seen in the news, and it does set things up to be a no win situation for the women and children in part of the world. They also use this type of excuses when it comes terrorism as well. People pushed their buttons or made them act. They misuse the 'honor' word as an excuse for violence, and in a way to escape from personal responsibility.

I hate these stories as much as anyone I'm sure. I guess I'm also in the minority because YES you do hear about the vicious nature of some of the stories, but in our area of the world we just have a different way of saying basically the same thing.

What did you do to make him so mad?

You need to learn to submit more, and respect leadership within the home! Now go home, and pray to be a better wife!

That is what would be said - among other things - when a wife got slapped for overspending or being perceived that she has a wrong attitude.

We speak about how they are raised in that part of the world with this ignorant attitude towards women, and as you can see it was endorsed by a judge.

Here? Its endorsed by the church.

There are HUGE differences in some realms, but in others? Not so much from where I sit. We have our own ways of endorsing and enabling violence against others within our families. We sprinkle a little scripture on top, but can't do alot of things you see on the news due to our laws. They wouldn't get jailed there, but would here. Those women across the world do have it worse in alot of ways than we do on our side of the world, but we do have things in common. Our houses of faith endorse domestic violence in different ways, and neither of them call it out for the sin it is. Neither call it out for the pure evil that is violence against fellow humans.

We have separate excuses. We have separate ways of life.

We both encourage domestic violence by not holding people accountable, and calling it out for what it is.

SIN!

That Saudi judge needs education badly about the dynamics of domestic violence, but in some ways are we any better? Do our words give protection from abuse? We both have forms of religious abuse, and for some reasons ours is just more acceptable.

Why is that? Does that make it better because we do it different?

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Communication Breakdown?

I just don't understand HOW people can push the 'communication' card, and then ask you to do the opposite...and then wonder why it doesn't work for people. All to often I see counterdictions, and enables communication breakdown. Here is an example!

At the present time, my husband and I are struggling with our marriage. I am trying to be more solicitous in that I am asking his permission or what his thoughts are versus saying, "I'm going to do this...".

The other day, a friend wanted to me to go out with her but we had three children at the house so I asked him, "Would you mind if I went...?" He reacted negatively and said, "Well, I suppose but I wanted lay down and I can't do that with unless you are watching the kids." Now, this was said in a negative manner and with an air of guilt, which has been one of my issues with him---his controlling/doing things through guilt or fear.

I choose to let him lay down and went with my friend later. However, I'm left with the same feelings of anger and resentment I've always had because I feel like the only thing I submitted to was his dramatic display of guilt.

How should I have better handled this?
What I am suppose to submit to?

First off the 'permission' thing bothers me greatly. Spouses aren't children that need to ask permission. I don't have a problem having a discussion, or even say 'Do you mind if I...'. To me that is common courtesy, and something people need to show in a relationship in order to be a healthy one. I don't even have an issue with people wishing to discuss things with their spouses before making plans. We are all human and if we place this 'permission' part out there you are opening yourself up to an abuse of power. That's just human nature.

I realize that children have to ask permission, but the reasons are plain for that. We know that abuse of power towards children happen as well, but asking permission as a child has completely different reasoning behind it. Its part of their learning process if you will as they grow up, and become adults in our world. Its a safety measure...a learning tool.

Beyond the scope of this poster feeling it is RIGHT to ask permission from her spouse we see she speaks of his attitude towards her in response. There is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to go out later, but the way it is asked is what's in question here.

The responses she got is where I wonder how these women feel 'communication' is being used in their relationships. Is submission being used as a tool for communication or communication breakdown within the relationship?

I think you did the right thing in letting him lay down and going with your friend later.

I fully understand your feelings of anger and resentment; I've recently been in similar situations with my husband. But, remember that God is the One we're ultimately submitting to. Let your anger and resentment drive you closer to Him in prayer and as you pray it through I wouldn't be surprised if He gave you His peace.

But if you're anything like me, it might be a bit of a prayer struggle before you reach that point. But know that God is growing you through it, too.

I find when I'm in a disagreement with my husband that it's better for me to go over his head, so to speak, and take the problem directly to the Lord.

As Oswald Chambers wrote, "obey God, and leave all the consequences with Him."

In a healthy relationship with a spouse that truly loves you I struggle with these types of responses.

They acknowledge that the bad behavior and bad attitude is raising anger and resentment, but you aren't asked to communicate at all. Your communication is in prayer only. All to often I see these speeches to women about how they need to communicate their wants, needs, feelings to men because they don't have crystal balls to figure those things out for themselves. That makes sense! Yet communication breakdown is what is being encouraged here. We can't have both ways!

There are times in which you take it to the Lord, and I'm NOT saying you don't do that. We can't tell them that communication, boundaries, etc are needed, and then basically tell them to NOT do those things afterwards.

Another response?

Amen-
I don't see the problem here. Your husband only wanted to take a nap before you went out. You did get to go.

I see being a wife as a calling. It is something that God has given us to do to be a helpmate to the man. Sadly, we have lost touch with that with all this equal rights stuff. I don't mean to be a doormat,I mean to be a helper. You help your husband by letting him take a nap, then you are blessed by having some quiet time away with a friend.

Ephesians 5:22-"Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord."
It takes some practice,but I started doing things for my husband as though I were doing them for the Lord. If Jesus Christ Himself asked you to not leave to go out with your friend,but wait until He took a nap,you would be honored that He asked you! Try to look at being a helpmate to your husband in that way.

Remember we will all give an account for our lives one day. What we've done will either come forth as gold or be burned. We won't be able to say, "it was the husband you gave me.." We found in Genesis that doesn't work.

When I get angry with my husband,I go to a quiet place and tell the Lord how I feel. This is confession and it's the safest place to bring something.I would recommend sharing only with the Lord and not your friends. Don't put your husband in a bad light,in the end it makes you look bad.

Great example of communication breakdown. Its being a 'helpmate' to NOT discuss his nasty attitude and behavior towards you. I mean you got to go out right?

Lets think of our children for a moment. Would people allow their children to get away with this? Is that what the 'parents' would tell another parent if their child acted like this? Granted it would be a teenager or older here! NO WAY would we encourage our children to act so disrespectful, and yet its being a 'helpmate' to allow your husband to do it.


WHY does that make sense to people? How is it helping anyone to NOT communicate how the attitude is hurting you? If you don't let your husband KNOW that this is hurting you - aren't we encouraging that 'crystal ball' comments that come later?

This is crazy! That completely insane advice!

Studying to be quiet takes a lot of studying...and practice! I am learning when I want to say something to my husband, I play it out in my mind what the outcome will most likely be. I have learned to say it's not worth it and keep quiet. It doesn't happen overnight and you will fail. I am so thankful that the Lord does not give up on me

You have to be kidding me!

Granted there are times in which silent is best. I know with certain family members I'm better off approaching them AFTER they have calmed down, and can be receptive. They aren't telling this women to do this! They are telling her to hush, and tattle on him to the Lord. Communication breakdown.


I have to wonder if people see the counterdictions in the advice they give. If you did hush, and want to know what to do? You did well - submission and being a proper helpmate - take it to the Lord to tattle on him. If she showed she was upset by this attitude in a different manner? They would ask if she spoke to her husband, because afterall they don't have crystal balls! Communication is important in relationships. The advice you are handed at times? This encourages communication breakdown.

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Cheating or beating--which is worse?

I saw a thread on Ibelieve.com about if you had to have ONE happen which would be worse? Cheating or Beating?

It was an interesting thread to read, because as you know churches tend to push the cheating card only. Overall which was the biggest fear, or considered the worse? Beating.

They spoke of the dynamics that may come with the beating part compared to the cheating part. The biggest factor was fear. Fear for their live. How beating isn't normally the only thing you deal with.

Of course you had those that threw in the 'one time' only deal, and I sat their scratching my head. So if you spouse beat the stuffing out of you ONE time you wouldn't be afraid of them? I'm sorry but if people can't admit that its pride.

Someone finally mentioned how its strange how pastors will only acknowledge the cheating part as excuse to separate or divorce. Funny because the poll showed overwhelmingly the women would rather be cheated on.

Cheating or Beating -- which is worse? It was an interesting thread!

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