Alicia Gray Detachment From Reality

I watched a video of Alicia Gray, a former high school teacher in Mobile, Alabama that was sentenced to jail for Child Rape.

I’m not going to call it a ‘inappropriate relationship’ to make it more palatable for others, but I will call it what it is.

It was a crime of rape against a child of 14 years, and she will have to register as a sexual offender for the rest of her life once she is released from prison.


I realize some feel that direct approach is harsh. Hardly. That’s like saying someone that got caught stealing was borrowing with no intent of giving the item back.  “Borrowing’ isn’t the proper word, and nor is ‘relationship’ in the context you have used.  Its minimizing the crime she is attempting to address.  Ownership is part of this.

Someone (the child) in this circumstance was given a life sentence, and it does no good for anyone to make that reality palatable for others and the criminal.  Her poor husband and child also have a great deal of hurt, and a life sentence as well.

Christian’s being direct about certain sins, and sugar coating others?  It just doesn’t give you the appearance you claim you stand for.  There is no show of firmness when you waffle back and forth like that.  Think about it!

Caught on tape: 5 self-serving responses by sex offenders in the church – Recommended reading

Sinister or Naïve

I have to be honest I don’t know much about Alicia Gray’s church, but what I have found is some churches its plain to see their sinister side. I don’t think that label applies here.

The Tina Anderson story, and CJ Mahaney story are more along the lines of what I feel is sinister. They know the game, and are playing it for their audience well.

I see a more naïve side from this group, and lack of the understanding of the dynamics of the crime involved. To be more specific the dynamics of this type of criminal.

The second group allows themselves this spiritual naïve nature to often at the expense of others. It may not be their intention, but they allow their good nature to override their common sense.

They spiritualize things instead of directly confronting them.  God doesn’t ask us to distance ourselves from our crime, and tell others my OLD person did that in the fashion they presented this.  You see detachment, and not ownership in a healthy fashion.

I honestly don’t have a problem with this church ‘supporting them’ as the pastor mentioned. Jesus would have us support criminals as much as victims. Yet, they so clearly didn’t understand the harm they were doing, and I’m sure still feel they did a good thing in releasing this video.  They wanted to show the world they were showing Grace to her, and yet Grace is not suppose to be at the expense of others.

Here is a quote from the pastor,

"The purpose of the video was simply to say to everybody, there is hope for you. If you have failed, if you have failed God, if you have fallen further than you ever thought you could, the love, grace and healing of God will be able to forgive you," Wyatt, who leads Deeper Life Fellowship in Mobile, Ala., told The Christian Post on Wednesday.

Alicia Gray never mentioned how she had fallen further than she never felt she could – or even went near that in this message.  She excused herself by stating she did this because of insecurity, and a void that was left because Jesus wasn’t in her life.  Yes, among other things.

Honestly?  Grace should have shown a humble and contrite person who fully acknowledges the harm they have done to others.  It would think about the impact this statement from her would have towards her  victim and his family:

Because of that joy he has given me, and the changed identity I no longer have to feel shame about the person I once was.  And I will never be again, and because I know who I am in Jesus.

When you are given grace from God, and FEEL it in your heart, soul and life?  You want to give this sense of grace to others, and not tell a hurting family that you harmed that you have no shame because of some faith transformation.  Discernment was completely absent here.  She admits later on she hasn’t even truly began to feel the brunt of the harm she did either – we will see that later on.

The way she presented this message is she pretty much has detached herself from her crime in a unhealthy fashion, because she truly doesn’t feel the harm she has caused.  I mean the ‘old’ person did that – not the new ME!  Yes, you can show ownership of this crime…and God’s presence can still be there firmly in your heart.   Do they feel Grace can’t be present under those circumstances, or are they in a rush to wash the sin off them? 

That’s the feeling most get – her rush to wash this sin off her.  She used the transformation to distance herself from having to deal with it, and sadly you have to wonder does she realize her uphill battle has just begun?  She has built herself up SO HIGH will she be able to handle things when the down hill parts come?

Sadly, from what I have seen in life?  They get very upset that others don’t accept this ‘new’ person, and still treat them like the old one.  The true test will be after the harsh realities of prison life, and how this crime will impact her from then on.  The detachment I see today won’t work as well later on.  It won’t properly process the harm she has done to her husband and baby.  It won’t understand WHY she will have problems finding a job.  How will she handle things when people question her presence alone with her baby.

You don’t see that preparation in this video at all.  Do they think this is not needed?  That this isn’t part of it?

The Merit Badge of Being A Christian

Some use the label Christian, or their relationship with the criminal as a merit badge that the criminal will have this air of honesty, integrity and character as they walk with them during this crisis.
It’s almost like since they have our merit badge its okay to assume they will deal with us in honestly and truth. It doesn’t matter that their crimes tend to call that into question. You have to wonder if they feel they can’t serve them properly unless they use this naïve mindset.  They also are refusing to face this detachment you can clearly see in her performance.

At this point common sense leaves the building, and we enter the time and space of the spiritual la la land. You witness and hear all the correct keywords and phrases that make Christian’s swoon with joy as the criminal plays it for them.

YES her character and integrity can be called into question due to her crimes. A person that is truly contrite in their repentance isn’t going to get defensive about that. They expect it.

If you read her transcript instead of listening to it with the music, emotion, and watching her smile at her transformation?  Its not the same, because you can clearly catch things that don’t make sense while looking at the words – and not just watching her speak them.

Acknowledging the Dynamics of a Criminal

There are different characteristics of criminals depending on their crime. There are similar characteristics as well for most.

Criminals like Alicia Gray use manipulation to draw her victim in, and they are con artists. Those aspects of their personality didn’t just appear one day, and disappear the next. They couldn’t hook their victims in if they were not GOOD at it. Being good at something takes time and experience.

Now, when you point those ‘realities’ out to some individuals? They tend to do the very thing they accuse the ‘world’ of doing…assume the worse. They state in reference to the convicted criminal, “I hear you saying that there is no hope for a perpetrator!”

Actually, no one is saying that.

Sure, the criminal DID say all the right things! Remember their merit badge. They used their keywords, and phrases…and maybe even wailed in response when they reminded the criminal that God forgives …and loves them.

No one is saying to not do what you feel convicted to do, but do it in a wise way.  In this case admit she wasn’t speaking of Grace that your church showed her, and the place she found herself in.   Remember your purpose of the video?  She didn’t even mention anything regarding that purpose.  She was too busy sailing around with the Jesus Language.

I mean she didn’t even mention how God is going to help her with her struggles in the days forward, and to me that a huge portion to leave out.

She concentrated mostly on the transformation, and then shamed the victim by telling them she hopes they get over the bitterness, and sadly does NOT show she understands the implications of her actions.  

I don't expect that the forgiveness might happen.  I understand the implications of pain and bitterness that I have caused.  Your completely justified to feel that way, but I do pray that each of you be free of the pain and bitterness, anger, anxiety or whatever you feel.  Those are not things that are from God.  God does not want that for you.  He didn't want the situation to happen, but Thank God he uses the hurts of others. He redeemed me.  And he placed it in my heart to just glorify him.   And I pray that he uses this situation to heal all those involved. 

What victim in their right mind wants to her their abuser say that God used the harm that was done to them to redeem their abuser?  How their righteous anger is not of God?  How the abuser is all better now, and I hope you get there too! 

Your keywords and phases are there, but they make NO SENSE under the circumstances!  Its selfish really.

She may have acknowledged the entire REALM of what she did within the presence of her husband, your church, your counselors or whomever.  Although I have to be honest – I doubt it.  Sadly, if she wished to show the Grace she claims God has shown her?  She also would had to have felt the entire impact of what she has done.  She didn’t do that she admits, and then tells people it would be a performance for them if she did.

Its one of those things that peace and rest, which are thrown around alot but...God really gives us overwhelming peace when you know who you are, and you don't have to do something to make God happy with you.   You don't have to perform for other people, because I have had a lot of advice from people:  that they need to see me cry more, and people need to see me fall apart.  And my body makes me think, 'Shouldn't I be a mess right now?  Shouldn't I have to do this?  But God just lets that peace fall, and gives me that security of knowing that I'm just not that person anymore!

Seriously?  She doesn’t have to fall apart knowing what she did, and then allow God to lift her back up again?  She bypasses that all together, and then tries to tell people she understands the implications.  Where does that happen in your bible, because it doesn’t happen in mine!

I just can’t picture Nathan letting David get away with that can you?

Sadly, people get to carried away with this ‘instant’ glorification of being transformed…and don’t realize they get played more than they are willing to admit.

Time, words and actions show the truth!   Time with Action was overlooked here. Pride is holding you back from acknowledging this.  You got caught up in the emotion of it, but time will show us if it is truly real.

Christians are quick to bring up stories they have seen or heard of this INSTANT transformation, and they refuse to face the fact we are all human. It doesn’t happen as often as they want to believe it does.  It also doesn’t change the reality here.  It just shows how willing they are to quickly go into some naïve mindset.

All Christians are in a constant state of repentance after all. All transformations take time, because breaking habits is never easy for anyone. I mean remember someone in your life that has something SMALL they are fighting to overcome…like biting their fingernails! This is MUCH bigger than that. Why is it people think the dangerous stuff is easier to overcome if they put on the proper show for others?

Keep in mind what she did was more than a bad habit, and she will need intense therapy for some time.  She didn’t even acknowledge that, because her old person is gone……Wow.

A Truly Repentant Person Naturally is Contrite

A person that is truly repentant isn’t going to resist all the extras that are required from them, and at times I feel some Christians feel it maybe TOO much for them to handle…and they may flee.

Sadly, that is a sign they are not ready to do what you are wanting from them. You need to figure out a new approach. If you refuse to face this fact? You want a fantasyland, and not the biblical turning you claim you are for.

They shouldn’t resist holding their feet to the fire, because they need it! God wants it! Remember those speeches they gave you, because they told you they wanted it too! If they keep running sometimes prayer is the only thing you can offer.

Choosing to Believe Survivors Or Criminals

Lastly, to those people that are all ready to hand her over your faith in her repentance need to listen to those that have gone down this road before.

You tend to downplay, minimize, and make excuses for why you refuse to take their counsel. You assume the worse – they have been hurt, and are marinating it…so what do they know.

Granted some people are marinating in their hurt, and I don’t deny that. You might be surprised at how many have moved beyond that, and want to save you the pain of what they have learned and experienced. Instead, you treat them like a perpetual wounded animal that just wants to bite you. 

So your okay with taking the word of a person that has bitten others, and willingly ignore the ones that got bit.  Why does this make sense to you?  Honestly, that never made a lick of sense to me!

Think for a moment! You are willing to give your all to someone that has shown they are able to harm others, but you aren’t willing to listen to the ones that have survived this crisis.  That lacks common sense when you distance yourself enough to look at it clearly.

Much to often I see people telling experienced survivors they are speaking from hurt, and that hurt has jaded their outlook. They never consider they themselves are being naïve, and in some ways very arrogant. Instead of dismissing them try listening.

What is it going to hurt? Open your mind and heart as you have with the criminal. Can they NOT be authentic too? Do they not have the right to the same respect? It may give you ideas of how to better approach the next crisis, and actually stop the games that criminals tend to play almost by their very nature.  Sadly, this game is VERY easy to play within the Christian environment.

Sure, criminals will admit certain things at times. They will speak of their struggle, and if you use too much wishful thinking instead of wisdom? They are going to play you like a concert pianist! Some aspects maybe on the purpose, and other aspects are just plain old habits that are hard to break. It is what it is.

Victims that are overlooked

Regarding the church in question? I think they were caught up with showing the world how they offered grace to Alicia Gray. Alicia spent much of the time proselytizing, and her apology was too generic.
Her journey is too premature to have experienced this turn yet. It’s going to be a life long journey for her, and she has some HUGE hills to climb in the future. I do pray she walks the walk as well she talked the talk.

Sadly, this church was so caught up with doing what they felt was right that they missed aspects that no doubt hurt the victim and his family.  I also think they are having a hard time admitting that, and just think their introduction – or purpose – of the video could have been done better.  I mean they didn’t even realize Alicia didn’t even address the question at the beginning of the video, nor the purpose of it that the pastor mentioned.

I think their hearts were in the right place, but they completely missed was really needed. I don’t fault them for supporting a criminal. I do hope they yearn to understand why so many felt their production they made in good faith was so triggering, and tragic to so many others that walked down that path before they did.

Side note from me!
I saw the news casts of her walking into court with her husband. That poor man had agony dripping from his pores, and he needs support completely and absolutely distanced from what you feel his wife needs. Separate from the marriage vows. It should be all about him – the poor man needs it.   He needs more than your keywords, and Christian phrases…that they have sadly turned into more of platitudes at this point.   He has a child to consider as well.

Besides the victim and his family? That husband broke my heart just watching him. Learn about the dynamics of the circumstances you are dealing with, and give him the fruitful grace he needs.  I wouldn’t do another video about it.  No doubt he has enough to deal with.  Guilt by association by people, etc. 

I can understand her NOT mentioning him in her court statement, but she didn’t even give him one syllable in the video either. That’s downright hurtful from my viewpoint – no show of grace regarding his support? Yet another HUGE aspect your good intentions completely missed.

Additional Resources:
IT wasn’t a relationship! By Watch Keep – Amy Smith
Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles
Remorse, Repentance, Recovery

When you blame Victims - You Get What You Honor

I have been reading around the Internet covering all the different opinions regarding the Tina Anderson Story that was released on 20/20.

Its quite amazing the different stands that people can come up with.

There was one quote that truly stuck a cord with me:

You Get What You Honor - from one article I read.

Ever since the sexual abuse scandals has come out within the Catholic Church others have loved how they can point fingers at them. They love to act as if it’s only a CATHOLIC problem.

Danni Moss of Because It Matters used to write articles about all the different scandals that broke regarding basically the same ‘root’ issue, but different versions of it. If you read the comments on her blog regarding these scandals you see people sticking up for the accused, and blaming the victim.

It’s a repeated theme on every story she wrote about. How adults shouldn’t be made responsible for the adult’s choice alone, and how the children need to step up and accept their share of the blame.

It’s a matter of convenience for adults. They teach their children they are not ready for adult choices due to their immaturity, and yet when something seriously happens? The opposite seems to be the case.

They are not yet prepared for those choices, and we must not treat them as if they were.

To quote Kevin T. Bauder and his article responding to the Scandal

WELL it seems until your honored hierarchy is involved in some cases.

You can read dozens of rants on how people within the IFB are angry about being broad brushed, and yet again if you read Danni Moss’s blog the response to sexual abuse is very common. No one speaks out about that.  Where is the angry over that?

So what can we conclude?

You Get What You Honor

Is my husband giving me the silent treatment?

I was on a faith board recently, and I read a note from wife.  It was short and sweet with not much information to go on.  She was wondering if what she was experiencing was the silent treatment from her spouse.  Here is a summary of what was said, but not word for word:

Communication is impossible for my Husband to have with me. It's been 12 years, and he has yet to have a conversation with me that is on any kind of adult level. He will not talk most of the time, even to our children. We went to therapy, and he literally could not give an answer to any question. The silence was deafening. Finally, after many visits I was told to lower my expectations, and I would not be disappointed anymore. I don't know how much more hurt I can handle. This is not healthy for my children and me. Does God want me to continue on letting him treat us this way?

When I think of the silent treatment it comes to a form of emotional abuse its normally a tool they use to hurt someone.  The silent treatment is a childish way of abusing a person, and in most cases I would tell you to just do life as if they were not in the room. (yes I have done that)  I realize that is easier said than done, and in some cases that does ignore the fear factor.  In other words, you are waiting for the bomb to drop.  You tend to walk on eggshells during this period, and its one of the most hurtful and scary things.  You just know when they finally DO SPEAK all hell will break loose.

There is one thing that I have noticed with human nature within the Christian realm especially, and that is to assume that the woman is just expecting to much.  There were statements like, "Are you sure he literally isn't saying word?"  Opinions of how he could be he is just a quiet person, and you just don't want to look for those non verbal clues. 

When people don't know what to do? They do nothing!

I have been reading about the interview with Rihanna that Good Morning America did with Diane Sawyer. I haven't seen the interview, but from what I have taken from clips and quotes? She speaks very well of a dynamic of domestic violence that most people hear about, but you don't truly see represented within the church.  Nor do most people even recognize as part of the dynamics of the relationship even within the secular world.

Rihanna also dealt deftly with the elephant in the room: why she initially went back to Brown after the beating.

"It's pretty natural for that to be the first reaction . . . to go back and start lying to yourself," she told Sawyer. Her love for Brown certainly factored in. "I fell in love with that person . . . so far in love, so unconditional, that I went back." When Sawyer said abused women go back, on average, seven times before they leave, Rihanna corrected her, saying it was typically eight or nine times.

Chances are when women go to their pastors or the church they have already done the 'go back home and submit harder'. Matter of fact they have done the 'hit and hug' dance many times in different ways. Most people think when I say HIT its physical, but anyone that has been in an abusive relationship (man, woman or child) knows the controlling behavior, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse were very heavy smacks as well.

Forgiveness - what is it really?

So many times I have read or heard these messages of forgive and forget like God does. To me it seems like they don't wish to confront the sin as mentioned in Matthew. To me its a counterdiction of scripture. I mean which is it? Confront sin or forgive and forget? It seems to me this is handled upon the parties comfort level. If they don't wish to face the abuser - forgive and forget is used. We can forgive and forget as the saying goes if the person turns from their sin, but if they are constantly asking for forgiveness for the same sin? There is no heart change there, and that is what God asks of everyone. It seems discernment needs to be used.

Forgiveness to me is for US and not for anyone else! I see it as God's way of telling us he doesn't wish us to harbor contempt and other burdens that would hold us down. He wants us to let it go, and he asks us to pray for them to help us do just that! Forgiveness is a tool to have a heart change as God would wish us to have. Abusers will ask for forgiveness, and its NOT for them! They use this as a tool to wipe the slate clean, but God is asking for a heart change. He is asking that you turn from your sin, and you truly repent to him first, the person you hurt second, and you do your darnest to turn away from those sinful behaviors forever!

I see many churches adding burdens to the forgiveness that clearly aren't meant to be. It just makes things easier for them it seems, and forgetting tends to enable the sins to continue. If take the consequences away from the sinner do they truly learn? Some way, but most that are not repentive see this as a green light to continue. I mean where is the consequence for their actions? There isn't any! Trust is broken when the sin is always brought upon people, and trust and forgiveness are two different aspects. At times removed trust is the only safe option due to history. God may forget the sins, but we are NOT God!





Forgiveness is for YOU, and not the abuser in your life! Its for the heart change that God wishes us to have.

We are to forgive others because that is what God has asked us to do. The forgiveness is for US, and not for THEM! I think its because it would be easier to let go of the resentment, bitterness, etc. Things God doesn't wish us to hold on to.

The forgive and forget part? I don't buy that either. It enables people to continue to hurt you and others. We are to call out sin, and to stand against it. I think at times people ask you to forgive and forget because they don't know how to deal with it, and its easier to say that then to DEAL with it! If we are to just forgive and forget why would we need the verses in Matthew on how to confront people? lol kind of a counterdiction of either other!

God knows that some will not repent of their wrong doings towards others, but we can continue to pray for them - which God asks us to do. Again I think that helps us NOT hold on to the hurt, resentment, etc. That doesn't mean we would automatically trust the person. I see alot of people almost hint that if you don't trust the person - you haven't forgiven them fully. There are circumstances in which there are very sound reasons for not trusting them, and again I think its a way for people not wanting to get their hands dirty and deal with the uglies at times when they preach the if you have no trust you haven't forgiven!

A good restoration of a relationship starts with the party asking God first for forgiveness, asking for forgiveness towards the party they hurt...and turning away from that sin completely. Where it gets sticky is if they continue to do the sin that caused things, and all they keep doing is asking for forgiveness...and NOT doing any heart work! That's NOT genuine, and we have all seen people that do this. They truly have no drive towards change - they just want forgiveness. At that point they are NOT truly safe to be around. They are NOT a safe person, and yes trust isn't justified. That party sets themselves up for the consequences of that, and they have to learn to live with it also. I do agree that some will pressure you to keep letting go, but they aren't doing the sinner any favors by this guilt. People do learn by others allowing them to fall on their faces, and YES at times losing everything due to their sins.

We can forgive without trusting, and we do this so we don't' harbor feelings God doesn't wish us to harbor! We are NOT asked to forgive only after they other party repents...as I have also heard! lol think about how many don't? God wouldn't wish you to harbor things because it would just hinder your walk! People that demand forgiveness so they feel better about sinning against you don't grasp what forgiveness is about. Its not so they can feel better all the time - its so our heart stays where God can continue to mold us to me! Don't wait to forgive those that don't' wish to repent - that only hinders you!

lol I do agree that alot of advice at times does ask you to enable! I don't' quite understand it either at times. I think we grow when living the consequences at times. Humbling themselves is a good thing, and at times falling on our faces can spark that! If we keep forgiving and forgetting it doesn't always happen! We all need discernment when it comes to certain issues. At times you do forget because of the circumstances, and how they have turned from their sin. If they continue in the sin, and you are asked to forgive and forget on a constant basis I don't understand how people grow into better people if they are enabled to continue the sin, and how people seem to think this magical transformation is going to happen is pretty much insane to me. God allows consequences for a reason, and if we take those away..... I mean there are reasons consequences are there to begin with right? Do people seriously think everyone will learn without them? I know I have learned from consequences!

My thoughts on forgiveness!

Abuse, Forgiveness and the Pastor's Wife

Standing in the Shadows is a very touching story of a minister's wife that was treated sinfully, and her husband left the family to start another one! Yet is a story of hope, new beginnings, forgiveness and it also sounds like a ministry she can call her own!

Healing......
I knew that my healing and the healing of my children could only come with forgiveness. As long as I had unforgiveness in my heart, I was still in bondage - he still controlled me. Forgiveness is never easy but necessary. Too often, we don't allow the wounds and the scars to heal and we never let go of our hurt. But I knew that unforgiveness turns to bitterness and bitterness destroys the mind, the soul, and ultimately the body. I needed to forgive him but I also needed to forgive the members of my church.

I think anyone of faith that has been dealing with any form of domestic violence can relate to this. Forgiveness isn't easy at times, and bitter pill we can't do away with will destroy us in the end if we can't let of it. Forgiveness as you can clearly see isn't for them - its for US! COULD be way the bible asks us to forgive in the first place huh? Abuse isn't always easy to forgive, but I believe you can let go of it little by little!

Plea...........
I realize that some of you reading this "lengthy" blog have gone through painful ministry relationship breakups. Yet, I know that some are still in those painful relationships such as the minister's wife of 50 years. Please let me hear from you - talk to me. I want to pray for you. I want my children to pray for your children. Sometimes, it is not always advice that you seek but a listening ear. Often, the focus is on the minister/pastor with very little emphasis on the wife. When there is a divorce, that wife and those children become invisible. It happens - please talk to me.

The pastor's wife has a very difficult position at times. WHen you are dealing with abuse, forgiveness, and just life that goes also with that please reach out! Reach out until someone listens!

My Christian Husband isn't Emotionally safe! My Protection or sin?

Focus Ministries as a piece called "Walls", and it really hits home for a lot of people that are experiencing all forms of abuse including emotional abuse and verbal abuse. I found that a lot of it pertains to most circumstances, but remember all doesn't have to apply for it to have the same effect. Some people call this detaching from their spouse due to the abuse within the relationship. It speaks to how the relationship starts, and how it continues. Its very moving!

The Walls are used to protection, and they are normal response to Emotional abuse, Verbal abuse and other types. This piece speaks about how they can be removed. Its not an easy journey, and it will require both parties to participate fully!

I had mentioned this article before, but wanted to repost it for others that may have not seen it.

WALLS

I have built a fortress around myself . . .

to protect my emotions
to protect my self-esteem
to protect my individualism

This fortress will not allow me to share my heart with you, or express any affection toward you. It protects me from you.

Once, before I built this wall, I trusted you completely—enough to pledge my life to you and my future. When you first wounded my spirit, I believed you when you told me it was my fault. Yes, I was naive, but I trusted you. I believed the lie—if I could look different and act different, then you would be pleased with me.

For many years I continued to believe and trust you while you continued to express your disappointment in me and made me the scapegoat for all the reasons why you weren’t happy. I was so vulnerable to your opinion of me that I accepted what you said about me as true.

I tried in many ways to please you, but you were never satisfied. You pointed out numerous areas in my life where I had failed. The talents and gifts that I had to offer were either never good enough or taken for granted.

When I tried to share my deepest feelings with you, you made fun of my sensitivity by lecturing me or making me feel stupid.

You were the one who controlled what I should think, what I should say, and who I should say it to. If I made any comments of which you did not approve, you would lecture me and question my motives. If I was too quiet, you told me I was self-centered and didn’t care about other people.

You demanded all of my time and emotions for yourself, and when I didn’t meet your expectations, you broke my spirit by constant criticism. You even justified slapping me occasionally. You assured me that if I had performed to your liking you would have had no reason to hit me, so therefore it was my fault. You placed all the responsibility of your actions upon me.

Picture me as a woman who was constantly trying to please, but could never meet your demands; one who didn’t know whether to speak or keep silent; and one who withheld her emotions and deep feelings so she wouldn’t be ridiculed and embarrassed by the one who should have understood her the best.

This defeating cycle of co-dependency had such a hold on me that my worth as a person was dependent upon your value of me as a woman and a wife. It was easy for you to use me as the reason for your problems . . . because I let you and I believed you!

As I struggled with my own feelings about myself versus the incompetent, uncaring person that you described me to be, the Lord was working through many sources, and I began to find my identity in Him. I began to realize that I had allowed you to close my spirit, and I had believed your perception of me to be true. This had paralyzed my ability to function, and several years passed by without any real growth and progress.

When I finally accepted and truly believed that my self-worth is only found in the Lord, it changed my life!

My first reaction was to put the broken pieces of myself back together, and escape from the awful control and manipulation in my life. I began rejecting your perception of me, and yes, I began rejecting you! I built walls of protection from you so that your verbal vomit and cruel attitudes would not hurt me any more.

I began to live my own life, making my own plans, and daring to dream of living free and happy without your control. I built walls so high and so thick there would be nothing you could do to penetrate them.

When we began talking with a marriage counselor, you wrote a catalog of sins—my sins that you believed had caused all our problems. Where are your sins? When have you taken the time to take a really good look at who you are?

Look at the man who screams and strikes out when he’s upset, and then denies or pretends that he’s not guilty; who manipulates the facts to make his wife look like she’s either crazy or lying.

Look at the man who frowns and sneers when he talks to his wife, and then accuses her of having a bad attitude.

Look at the man who is a master of manipulation, demanding his own way, his opinion, and then accuses his wife of controlling when she is simply assuming the responsibility he has declined to take.

You are so full of rage and bitterness that you have to blame someone, and that someone has been me. It is interesting, however, that the very things you have said about me are actually reflections of you.

You tell me not to get hysterical when you’re the one screaming and out of control. You tell me to change my attitude when you have the sneering, frowning face, and have made the sarcastic remarks.

You call me the liar when you have an ingrained habit of constantly manipulating and exaggerating the truth to meet your needs.

You call me compulsive when you are the one who rearranges the refrigerator and pantry shelves after I’ve put the groceries away.

Because you are always on the edge, I walk on eggshells around you, never knowing when something I say or do is going to set you off and cause an explosion. It’s almost like being in a war and never knowing when I’m going to step on a land mine and get blown up.

Now look at the way it could have been—my talents and abilities complementing yours, and instead of rejecting, criticizing, and destroying me because I am not like you, we could have established a wonderful friendship and partnership with each other, with each of us compensating for the lack of the other.

When you begin to care about me instead of verbally attacking and blaming me, then maybe some of the walls I have built up will come down. We can both learn how to honor and serve each other, with one of us carrying the entire load at times (giving 100%) when the other needs help, without complaining about it later or keeping a scorecard to see who is giving the most.

This is not about who cleans the house and who takes out the garbage. It is about accepting, forgiving, caring, tolerating, and loving—without deliberately hurting, controlling, and keeping score.

Let’s give up the war and begin reconciliation. The next step is up to you . . .

Focus Ministries has released a book, and I wanted to endorse it at this time!



Does any of the article hit home for you? We look forward to hearing from you!

Why marriages Fail .... Why do churches truly address this?

Why Marriages Fail Link

I found an interesting article recently about a study that was done about couples starting even before they married, and then followed up with them a number of times within the years of the relationship.

If first spoke about Escalation, and how disagreements are handled.

You may be thinking, "we don't fight like cats and dogs." And while that may be true, your marriage may still have this risk factor. Damaging escalation is not always dramatic. Voices do not have to be raised for couples to get into a cycle of returning negative for negative. Conflict over paying the rent, taking out the garbage, running errands that result in muttering to oneself, rolling your eyes, or throwing up your hands can also be examples of escalation.

Couples who escalate arguments must control their emotions and control their tongues. James writes, "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless" (James 1:26). Couples who want a strong marriage must learn to counteract the tendency to escalate as a couple. The key to a strong and stable marriage is learning to control your emotions and learning how to keep a rein on your tongue.

I think alot of people downplay the power of the tongue, and also the mention of the body languange that the author speaks of. Its often returned with, 'what did you do to make that this happen?" Scripture doesn't push this idea, but humans often do. We tend to focus to much on this, and not enough on how neither party should be doing this.....and if they do it needs to be addressed. The returned statement of, "We only have heard one side" is another excuse NOT to deal!

Its so strange to me when you see a wife or husband coming to the church with concerns about escalation, and them standing back in shock and not truly knowing WHAT to do....and the responses they get! Maybe they didn't feel honored or loved enough because something you did in the past! Maybe it was the WAY you said it! Did you request this in the right tone? Its as if people can't grasp that people can just DO THIS without motive and intent! There must have been SOMETHING you did to push the buttons!

On the one hand you have them dealing with someone that can't fight fair (for lack of a better word), and you have the church questioning what you may have DONE to allow this to happen!

Invalidation is another factor.

Jesus taught that attacks on the character of another person are sinful and harmful. "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (Matt. 5:22). Calling a person worthless or empty-headed (which is what the Aramaic term raca means) is not what a Christian should do.

Invalidation can also be much more subtle. It may involve an argument where contempt for the other partner is not so obvious. One partner may merely be putting the other partner down for his or her feelings. The message conveyed is that your feelings do not matter. A husband may put his wife down because she is more emotional or because she is more easily hurt by comments. A husband may invalidate a wife's fears about the children's safety. A wife may invalidate a husband's desire to succeed in the company, saying that it really doesn't matter if he becomes district manager. Ultimately the partner receiving these comments begins to share less and less so that the intimate level of sharing evaporates. When this happens, oneness is lost.

Alot of advice that people are given when victims of this type of behavior also invalidates their feelings. GIVE IT TO THE LORD, and don't worry about them! You need to concentrate on you, because you can't change the person. All kinds of things are said to NOT face the fact that their actions, deeds and words are sinful. Mininizing people's experiences, and basically telling them to "get over it" in a nutshell.

They are invalidated from both arenas - from the home and the church. People refuse to grasp why that sends people reeling! If it causes a rift within the relationship, and the support system also refusing to acknowledge it...and when we know that is damaging....I mean WOW!

Negative Interpretations

Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. "Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something." Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.

Paul warned against attempting to judge the thoughts and motives of others (1 Cor. 4:5). And Jesus asked, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Luke 6:41).
Negative interpretations are hard to detect and counteract. Research shows that in distressed marriages there is a tendency for partners to discount the positive things they see, attributing them to causes such as chance rather than to positive characteristics of the partner. That is why negative interpretations do not change easily

I think almost anyone can be guilty of this at one time or another, but its when do this as a habit is when you get yourself into trouble.

Most people are asked to STOP doing whatever it is that bothers their partner so much so they don't HAVE these negative thoughts - doesn't matter if it is unrealistic or even irrational! Do what you can to counteract this, and maybe dont' go out with your friends if you partner gets jeolous! Normally, abusers that have unrealistic views and also use this concept to keep the partner down. The church tells them to do without, and again never really addresses the core. Partner tells them do this as a control tactic.

Supporters can be enablers in other words. Enablers of bad behavior.

Withdrawal and Avoidance

Escalation, invalidation, and negative interpretations are three of the four negative risk factors identified by researchers at the University of Denver. The last of these has two descriptors: withdrawal and avoidance. These are two different manifestations of the problem wherein a partner is unwilling to get in or stay in a discussion that is too threatening.

"Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as 'turning off' or 'shutting down' during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an argument, look away, or agree quickly to a partner's suggestion just to end the conversation, with no real intention of following through."{4}

"Avoidance reflects the same reluctance to get into certain discussions, with more emphasis on the attempt to not let the conversation happen in the first place. A person prone to avoidance would prefer that the topic not come up and, if it does, may manifest the signs of withdrawal just described."{5}

In the article the author used an example of a man that withdraws from a conflict with his wife, because basically she is unsafe to continue with.

This is true for everyone in life - whether it be a boss, coworker, friend, family member, child or spouse.

I have seen signs of this in dicussion with others, and they were basically told WHY don't you just go to them, and TELL them how you feel! WHen they do and are raged upon, and then they are then asked if they requested this in a proper manner. The deal is most people that act like this are doing it for a purpose! They want the person to HUSH, and can find ways of making this happen very well. Sadly, on the other hand tell the partner they have communications issues because they never talk to them. LOL When the partner says that the supporters say - SEE THEY ARE TRYING! don't be so demanding!

The conclusion:

Each of these four risk factors (escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance) can build barriers in a marriage leading ultimately to loneliness and isolation. The research shows that couples that want a good marriage need to eliminate these risk factors from their marriage, or else the negative factors will overwhelm the positive aspects of the marriage. It is never too late to put your marriage back on track.

I think we can all agree that would awesome! The problem is that most people don't want to address any of these factors in any real way. They pussyfoot around them with "What ifs" from the party that is hurting. The strange part I find is YES I do agree with alot of what the article states, but when hurting parties come to their church for help........the church basically does this again to them - I also see them doing the characteristics of this article. Tell them they might fight wrong, make to make conclusions, must have a communication issue, and YES please mininize the damage from their words! TAKE IT TO THE LORD, and allow him to handle things!

Now if we can find ways of addressing things that are proven in the research then maybe we can make some headway in healing marriages. That would mean people need to take their heads of the sand, and be direct like Jesus was. NOT continue to find ways of blaming the person that is asking for help. Nothing wrong with looking towards yourself, and being more Christlike okay? When you place MOST of the load on the hurting party....well that is where the trouble gets started once again.

Its a good read and I recommend you read it in its entire form! The link is at the top of the article!

The Difference Between Hurt and Harm

The difference between hurt and harm


This is another video from Cloud and Townsend. Its called the Difference between hurt and harm. I thought it was a good one to remind people there is a difference, and so that next time the abuser says to you, "You hurt me when you do that" it may help placed things into prospective. Help place the guilt away, because it isn't needed. Alot of times we take unneeded and unwarranted guilt.

A word from a friend is better than a Kiss from an Enemy.

Jesus Heals Abuse - New Site

This is a site for Christians recovery from abuse in relationships. Please respect the very gentle and non judgmental atmosphere we wish to create. The forum is for any born again Bible believing Christian to use and to in time, help others. Please post as often as you want in the spirit of the early Christians. Love, tender sharing, and help to get to the place in destiny God has for you are all in order here. Let rebukes be with humility and gentlness surrounded by huge encouragement. Let disagreements be sorted with reference to the foot of the cross, Let human failings be seen through the eyes of Jesus. It is up to every poster to make the place one of safety and security for their brethren to heal.

Link

The Struggling Marriage and Emotional Abuse

I find articles from time to time, and I have to wonder if this author ever asked the people doing the abusing the same questions he asks the spouse that is enduring these things?? Somehow I doubt the approach to the abuser went to the extreme he seems to be pushing in his article towards victims.

Here is the beginning of his article:

Today, many married women feel defrauded. They married their husbands, believing that the tender care he showed when they were dating would continue throughout their married life. Yet they discover that the very relationship which seemed to promise the most pleasure, instead brought the greatest pain. In fact, for some, the emotional pain is so intense that they come to believe that it is beyond their ability to endure. In desperation they find themselves forsaking their vows and fleeing the marriage.

And now the icing on the cake:

One of the biggest mistakes we make today is to marry with the intent of getting our needs met. We assure ourselves of frustration, because we enter marriage with the wrong purpose. Most of us marry to get. God has called us to give. Our concepts of love today are so mixed up with self-centeredness that we have an incredibly difficult time adjusting to the sacrifice required to make a marriage work. We antagonize one another inadvertently by our misunderstanding of what real love and selfless commitment is all about. Our self-oriented intentions begin when we are dating and set the stage long before most conflict becomes abusive.

I will admit a lot of people get their balloon popped during the first phrases of marriage, and we have to admit also that includes both parties. You can even speak to happily married people, and they will speak about the hardships at times they never saw coming. Despite this people continue to grow within a relationship in the upcoming years. Anyone that is married for any length of time can think back on times of great joy and sorrow.

I’m sure there were times we all had expectations of the relationship that never came to pass. In time you find that those expectations are now different, and that’s okay also! We have new visions that are just as good if not better! This author seems to think this is somehow abnormal, and its NOT! We all have this to a degree – some worse or better than others. That’s LIFE and learning – not unrealistic!

I also think we have all been guilty of some type of mistreatment! In most relationships you find a way of getting past that after apologies and repenting and forgiving has happened. There is a difference between life’s uglies with your spouse, and struggling with someone’s warped vision of needed power and control over another.

I’m not talking not using that hot pink nail polish that your spouse doesn’t care for! I’m talking your spouse giving you no say in the color, and pick's it out and forces you to put it on.

I’m not talking about getting rid of a dress that your spouse seems to have issue with after you get married! I’m talking him telling you what clothes you can wear, picking them out, and you losing your freedom of choice all together.

I realize those may seem small, but how about that happening within every aspect of your life?

• You can’t eat this – you must eat that! 
• You can’t talk to your family, friends, or even LOOK towards a person of the opposite sex in ANY way! How about knowing that you are at a fast food place, and you go and get those ketchup packages and because a man hands them to you it will mean punishment for 2 days! 
• Your mother called to see how things are going? Well BOY are you in trouble he told you that talking to family is NOT ALLOWED! Power and control – not normal martial riffs within a relationship. 
• We aren’t talking disappointment that our Romeo throws his socks on the floor and not the hamper! That our Fabio can’t seem to remember to take the trash out without reminding! Those items can be annoyances YES, but we aren’t talking soul crushing accidences here!

This author speaks a lot of sacrifice, and I have to admit there are some that do have a problem with this for a while. Some the learning curve comes quickly, and some it may take a while. That isn’t all that strange either. Its normal I would assume.

Let us remember that the apostles who gave us God's commands were themselves the victims of severe emotional and physical abuse. They, like Pastor Richard Wurmbrand, endured torture beyond anything we have ever seen. In his books, Pastor Wurmbrand describes his 14 years in a Romanian prison at the hands of communist torturers. His love and compassion for his torturers testifies of the assurance we have as Christians that we too can selflessly love our wives and husbands. 

Certainly if those tortured on a daily basis can see the good that comes from suffering, then we as minimally suffering, soft Americans can handle the opportunities for growth that come our way through the difficulties of marriage. If we are able to cease our "giving to get" mentality and begin simply "giving" we would finally be able enjoy the fulfillment that comes from loving selflessly in the image of Christ.

When you sacrifice things you do it for a purpose. For example, you may throw out the hot pink nail polish or the dress your husband can’t stand. You do this for a reason, and that reason is very honorable. We can also apply this to bigger items or actions within a marriage as well.

We have all read how Jesus’ followers had to sacrifice to the point of death for the cause. There was purpose and meaning to this. It was for the good of mankind. They were tortured, murdered, mocked, and totally abused. They endured it and did this for Jesus, and what he died for. They did this for the grace of God! They wanted to spread the word so that others may live.

I think the point the author was trying to make was the suffering they did in their lives, and why they did this. What he seemed to miss is there are different forms of suffering.

Some with purpose like they did, or another recent example would be Martin Luther King, Jr. There are many people that suffer for the good of others, and I’m not trying to say they are better than what Jesus’ followers did okay? Just making a point.

A different form of involuntary suffering maybe in the form of rape of a child, woman or man by another. There is no good purpose to that act and yet people are thrown into suffering for no good reason. There are all kinds of purposeless crimes it seems, and people don’t suffer for any cause besides their own mourning and pain. There is no great means to an end!

When you enable an abuser to continue you are allowing both parties to continue to live in pain for no purpose either. When the rage and the pain and the terror of their own insecurities are never addressed, but ignored where is the sacrifice in that? When you never help the parties that are being terrorized by this person? They aren’t selfish when they say I can’t endure it any longer.

I may love them, but I need to have this pain STOP! What is wrong with that?

Its not like this is something uncontrollable, and we have no power over at all. We may not be able to relieve all the pain, but we can help to find solutions to minimize the pain. Or even find a way to stop it. The author never addressed that.

He instead uses some comparison of a man that was tortured in a prison in Romania, and has love for those that tortured him because that is what God has asked of him. I’m not saying that isn’t a true showing of strength okay? That gentlemen thankfully gets to love them from a distance now, and just because you may separate in order to wake your spouse up to things they should realize that doesn’t mean you stop loving them as God has asked you to.

I realize some may think this sounds uncompassionate and unsympathetic to those who have experienced genuine trauma and pain at the hands of a verbally harsh spouse. It is my hopes though, that those who respond that way will take a moment to step back and consider God’s greater plan. I am especially concerned that it not be misconstrued that I am negating the validity of the pain endured by those abused and neglected. God knows the reality of emotional hurt. 

Once again, knowing full well the reality of emotional pain, Jesus taught His followers how to deal with it. We see by their example how they responded to verbal persecution.

In other words the author is relying on the spouse that is terrorizing the family to see the errors of his ways.  It is 'his hope', but what he seems to forget it is 'action' that Christ asks of his followers to confront it.


About the suffering he claims is the job of the victim: Matthew 5:11 Happy are you when men give you a bad name, and are cruel to you, and say all evil things against you falsely, because of me.

Abusers aren’t doing that because of Jesus.   The key portion of that scripture is 'because of me'.

They are doing it because they are broken inside, and need healing. People like this author are asking spouses to suffer for God, and are allowing the abusers to continue to suffer also. God wouldn't ask either of them to suffer JUST because Reb Bradley doesn't know how to deal with this biblically.  Its not about the painted side of selfishness as the reason they are asking for relieve. It may be because they aren’t the proper party to help their spouse, and with people like Reb Bradley telling them to deal with it – he may never get that help either.

His other point:

I do want to mention at this point that from my counseling experience, I have observed that those who are most susceptible to emotional pain are those who are trying to get their needs met in the relationship. I've noticed that those who are primarily oriented in giving to their mate rather than taking from them, handle so-called emotional abuse much better. When we want nothing from others we don't open ourselves up to be hurt by them.

It is this very attempt to get fulfilled that makes an individual susceptible to getting "hurt" by their mate. They look to the other to be satisfied by them in some way. It is their desire to receive that has made them so vulnerable to hurt. A broad look at human relationships reveals that people often are not hurt easily by those from whom they expect nothing. For example, the insult offered by the transient on the street doesn't hurt you the way it would coming from the lips of your mate. Why? You have not opened yourself up and made yourself emotionally vulnerable to the transient. You have no expectations of him – his opinion of you is unimportant. In fact, were it your purpose to minister to him, you probably would perceive his insult as a sign of his spiritual emptiness. The selfless nature of your love would spawn understanding and compassion. However, for our mates, we lack the same selfless concern – we look to them for something to satisfy us. In doing so, we make ourselves vulnerable to insults or the pain of rejection.

In Matt 5:44 and Luke 6:28 Jesus commands us to love our enemies, pray for those who persecute us, do good to those who hate us, bless those who curse us, and pray for those who despitefully use us. In 1 Peter 3:9 -16 we are told not to return evil for evil, but to respond to abusers with gentleness and respect. God's standards of love are quite high for us, and are therapeutically sound.

In his article he primarily addresses females, and yet he never addresses what God has asked of the spouses.

He says don’t expect anything from them, and you won’t get hurt.  If you expect anything than you are selfish.

How often do husbands expect their wifes to submit?  How often to wifes expect their husbands to love like Christ loved the church?  Why is that preached if we are to expect 'nothing', and are selfish if we wish to be honored as Christ would have us be within marriage?

God asks husband’s to love their wives, but if you don’t expect that love from him you won’t get hurt.

God asks wife’s to honor their husbands, but if you don’t expect honor from her you won’t get hurt.

According to the author if are detached enough from our spouses it won’t be an issue. You are to deny yourself what God says you need for your gender, because I guess according to the author that is too much to expect.

The author is correct that we are to pray for our abusers, but somehow I doubt God wishes us close ourselves off from the love of others forever just so that we no longer can get hurt. Why would God ask us to never be emotionally available to anyone any longer just in case they try to intentionally or not hurt us? It seems to me if you detach yourself from the world in that fashion you may also miss other aspects of life that would cause great growth within us.

Detaching is a good tool to be used at times. Once you realize that you are being abused detaching from the harmful effects, and realizing you are doing nothing to deserve this treatment is a good thing. I would hope that fellow followers would come along side that person that suffers, and support them emotionally, spiritually, etc while they attempt to help the one that is very much broken and is showing their pain inappropriately. When both parties are healed you need to remove that detachment, and grow within that relationship as God intended. Emotional detachment is not what God intended within a marriage.

Galatians 6:1-5 Brothers, if a man is taken in any wrongdoing, you who are of the Spirit will put such a one right in a spirit of love; keeping watch on yourself, for fear that you yourself may be tested. 2 Take on yourselves one another's troubles, and so keep the law of Christ. 3 For if a man has an idea that he is something when he is nothing, he is tricked by himself. 4 But let every man make test of his work, and then will his cause for glory be in himself only, and not in his neighbor. 5 Because every man is responsible for his part of the work.

This passage tells me that followers are to put the person whom is abusing right, and not inform the spouse to just detach from them so they feel nothing. We as followers of Christ are to help the wrong doer, and he is responsible for the pain he or she has caused. We are also asked to help heal the victims he has wronged.

He ends his article by:

Frequently, our faith in God is weakened by the lack of a clear conscience (1 Tim 1:19). If we defile our conscience, and refuse to acknowledge or repent of the sin we harbor in our hearts, our faith in God will be weak, and we will be unable to trust Him and enjoy the benefits of His grace. Remember, according to Ephesians 4:26-27, when we cling to anger we give the devil authority in our life. This unresolved anger (we usually call it "hurt" or "long-term emotional pain") defiles our conscience, thereby creating unbelief which cripples our ability to handle stress. The very anger which we seek to justify is what weakens our emotional endurance.
The primary reason we find ourselves in the condition that says, "I will tolerate no more," is that we have sought from our marriage a fulfillment which can only come from God. May we stop seeking from our mate the emotional fulfillment which God intends we find in Him. And may we then find the joy and satisfaction which comes from loving and serving our mate as Christ does the Church.

How do you feel love from anyone - even God - when you are counseled NOT to expect anything from anyone so you don't get 'hurt'.  When you do that you also don't feel love.  You are not to feel ANYTHING remember?!

Abusers cling to anger and allow the devil authority in their lives. Are we not to allow them fellowship with others to show them the right path? Are not called to help these people? The reasons most say, “I will tolerate no more” is because the church tells them to detach so they don’t feel anymore.  Why do we ask people to turn off emotions instead of just helping them?

We are to expect nothing from our spouse, and detach from them emotionally. When does the abuser get approached about serving their mate as Christ does the church? I guess according to this author they don’t matter…you see they aren’t the ones screaming, “I can’t tolerate this anymore!”  The author just 'hopes' he turns his life around.  Sigh!

I wonder what the abuser has to scream in order to receive the help, love and fellowship they need? Do they not count Mr. Bradley?

How about helping things to be more tolerable within the home, and maybe neither has to be detached and both can be vulnerable to life’s hurts now in a healthier way! That sounds like a much better plan to me.

I would think God would agree also, since they could teach others in the same place they were in the past to grow past their hurts. If the abuser refuses that help I think God would ask more of us than to tell the spouse to detach. That doesn’t seem to me as the path of light he has asked us to walk in.

Link to Article - Correction!  Reb Bradley has removed the article from his site.  Here is a copy of "The Struggling Marriage and Emotional Abuse" in its entirety.