Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Zero-Tolerance on Domestic Violence Within the Church

5 comments Posted by Hannah at 1:00 PM

Creekside Ministries wrote an article Called, A Zero Tolerance Level.

I have to tell you in my little naive world as a same child? I always assumed that the church 'had that' no questions asked because that is how it is there!

When I grew older I knew there were taboo subjects that you need to approach lightly. In the environment that I grew up in? I already felt I wasn't capable of it, or so I thought. I would throw out small hints, and if they didn't follow up? I just wasn't justified.

When I grew to an adult I knew some subjects you just didn't bring up at all, unless you could show you are almost a Saint! They were going to look at my every move, attitude, and it seemed to me like a hunting trip for that one sin they could hang their hat on.

The Ministries first quote:

I have a zero-tolerance level for abuse in any form. It is always sin. It is a completely inappropriate reaction to stress, frustration, demands, disappointments, others' behavior. There are no excuses. We always have the choice how we respond. Period.

I'm sure most can agree with that quote from Creekside ministries, but what I have found is that the 'no excuses' is short lived in most cases.  We are going to use an example of someone that truly has their heart in the right place, and accepts what is happening and is willing to help!  I will answer in my mindset at the time when I was totally beaten down by the abuse.

I said short lived, and why do I say that? I have seen and read so many times one little sentence goes towards the 'no excuse' portion of their answer, and the rest of the time you are getting the third degree. When you live in a world that is full of fear and doubt? People don't seem to realize their intention isn't going to come across as they would like.  I will admit some people's hearts ARE in the right place, but when you don't understand a person's world?  It can backfire on you!

In the 'old' days when these items they pointed out to me about ME?

Microscope Pictures, Images and Photos

I used the same pattern of behavior I had when growing up and beyond. It was like I had a microscope, and I set it on 'magnify level 1000'. I would just rip myself to pieces!

For Example I might say about a disagreement: "Okay I sighed during our conversation, and he found it offensive maybe? This is what set the whole fight off!?" I was setting myself up to own something - well the after effect anyway - and place all my guilt on a sigh for example.

People will mention that maybe that sigh is did set him off, and maybe he was offended by it. He could have felt disrespected by that, but it doesn't justify his behavior.

Did you see the one sentences above?

If he was listening? Not only would he jump on that 'sigh' with both feet, but he would also feel more justified about it in the future. They don't realize that people that are abusive go on hunting trips looking for some sin to hang their hat on. They also don't realize when they mentioned, 'his behavior wasn't justified' and he will leave that out in the future as if it was never said. The 'offended' and 'disrespected' parts? THAT would be the only source of discussion with him.

I wish someone had mentioned that abusive parties do tend to focus on the parts that would either justify their actions, or use it in a way to smash me over the head regarding their behavior and how I asked for it almost.  When you live in a world full of confusion?  You aren't looking for that loophole, and they can twist things around to make you FEEL you sin more so than what was intended.

They also don't realize the level of magnification victims use to feel bad about it. They may have pointed this out and to them 'matter of fact' regarding this sigh, but their intent wouldn't be realized to me. They may not "intend" my sigh during the conversation equals justifying his abuse, but that is what I heard.  That shows my mindset at the time.  I was primed and ready to own it.

Some people will say that is because I was to sensitive.

NO! I was hypersensitive because in my environment that is how I learned I must be.  I don't think people count on that part, and I think that is where some communication is lost.  They aren't counting on my being hypersensitive due to watching my every move, and every statement to make sure I don't set off a bomb!  Its a way of life!

YES the 'sigh' had nothing to with the abuse. It wasn't due to being provoked, or having a bad day even! It was because he made the choice to abuse. I never figured that out until I was told this 1000 times it seems like! People that cared about me figured out that hypersensitive part about me, and they realized I had to get OUT of that habit pattern before I could truly HEAR what they are saying!

In other words, maybe the 'sigh' was a factor Hannah but it still doesn't justify his actions! The sigh should have NEVER sent him over the top like that!


I realize Harry Potter is a taboo subject within some circles, and I don't mean to offend here! I read the books while I was recovering from major surgery.  I was bored to death on bed rest, and someone brought them over.

Anyway, if any of you have seen this series of movies there was a character named Dobby. Dobby was the resident house-elf of the Malfoy family, and he served the Malfoys with total submission. The Malfoy family treated Dobby with unkindness and cruelty, often reminding him to do extra punishments to himself when he does something disagreeable to them. Dobby also told Harry Potter that he was used to death threats as he received them frequently by the Malfoys. Though he always did as he was told, he longed to be free of the Malfoys.

During the story Dobby was trying to get Harry Potter to leave the school for his own safety. When Harry Potter refused Dobby set something up so Harry would be hurt, but not killed in hopes that he would scare him away instead. (It was the setup for the danger in the movie) Dobby during the hospital scene admitted to hurting Harry, and you can imagine Harry was upset as we would all be. Dobby decided he would punish himself, and Harry couldn't take watching him hit himself anymore and asked him to STOP! Dobby was always beating himself up, because that is what he was conditioned to do.

I was like Dobby in the movie. I wouldn't iron my hands for punishment, but I would hand myself over for extra punishment when anything disagreeable would happen. Bad Hannah! Bad Hannah...YOU SIGHED YOU SIGHED YOU SIGHED...as my example goes! Guess what would leave the equation completely at that point? 'There are no excuse. We always have the choice how we respond. Period!' His behavior to me was justified, because he always told me it was...and people hinted at the sigh as part of his provoked reaction. I was Dobby just taking my punishment for it.

When people speak of No Tolerance of Domestic Violence within the Church? I think it is always important to realize the Dobby factor in that.  I didn't intentionally become Dobby.  I was Dobby in alot of ways, and I never really saw that.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Not in my CHURCH!

2 comments Posted by Hannah at 8:45 AM

I was doing a little reading the other night, and I came across the blog called Duh Daily Scoop. The author reprinted an article by By Valerie Strauss of the Washington Post. The article was called, "A Call for Clergy to Spotlight Domestic Abuse".

Glenn F. Ivey is a State's Attorney for Maryland, and he wanted to get out the word about domestic violence. As we know October is Domestic Violence Month in the United States, and he made a couple of calls to the churches so they could take the lead. He figured it would be a 'slam dunk' as they call it. It will be an easy sell! HOW hard could this be right?

"But no, I heard things like: 'Brother, it's a little hot to talk about that one.' Or, 'Well, I'll take it up, and we'll form a task force and get back to you.' . . . And then there are churches where the response to the victim is, 'You have to stick it out.' "

Glenn Ivey is a man that wishes to help the 'weaker vessel' within churches, and the church basically turned their backs on the State of Maryland, Glenn Ivey, and women that he wishes to help. What a 'holy' slap in the face huh? We aren't talking about a few little small towns, or neighbors here after all! We are talking about an entire STATE within the USA, and their churches decided that domestic violence really wasn't a topic they wanted to deal with right now.

The article goes on to say:

On Sunday, gatherings will be held at churches -- including Ebenezer AME Church in Fort Washington -- and community-based organizations across the region for "Project Safe Sunday," an initiative aimed at getting people to talk about the sometimes-taboo subject of domestic violence. President Obama has designated October "National Domestic Violence Awareness Month."

The goal is to help people understand the serious and complicated problem and to spur them to learn how to help themselves and others get out of an abusive relationship.

Mr. Ivey speaks about one of his revelations about how people just can't seem to approach this subject when news came out about Chris Brown and Rihanna. We all know they talked about it, but how they wrap their minds around the reality of domestic abuse? It seems that took him by surprise.

In another Washington Post article Glenn Ivey was quoted with saying:

At least initially, a large contingent of people thought that Rihanna was guilty until proven innocent. Not only were they willing to defend Brown, but they also seemed convinced that she must have done something to "deserve" being beaten. Even after a tabloid released photographs of Rihanna showing extensive bruises and swelling, some persisted in defending Brown. Her decision to reunite with him after the photos were published was seen in some quarters as confirmation that she had somehow wronged him from the beginning.

RIHANNA DONE! Pictures, Images and Photos

He was speaking to a many of middle school students about this crime, and he was surprised at the reaction of the children. It was the same, and the stats, stories and whatever else he could show them was basically lost to his audience of children.

The surprising comment that he made finally got these children to stop and think for a moment!

Finally, exasperated, I blurted out, "Do you think Barack would ever hit Michelle like that?"

Everyone in the room froze. One student weakly suggested that "Michelle is big enough to fight back," but I knew I had them then.

"Even if she were a foot shorter, can you ever imagine Barack hitting Michelle?" I pressed on: "Is there anything she could possibly do that would lead you to think she deserves to get beaten?"

At that point, the debate was over. Putting hands on Michelle Obama was somehow unthinkable.

Mr. Ivey commented about how the domestic violence issue needed someone like Michelle Obama to step up and support it. He also mentioned that maybe this was to much of a hot topic even for her. No matter what your political party lines are can you imagine the impact that would have? The fact that domestic violence rips people's lives apart, and that isn't falling along gender lines either! Generations of families dealing with this, and for some? Domestic violence is far too controversial to make that commitment.

He closes:

But this sort of campaign is clearly needed. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that about 1,200 deaths occur each year as the result of domestic violence. Nearly 2 million attacks annually don't result in death but can be nearly as devastating -- such as what happened to Yvette Cade of Clinton in October 2005, when her estranged husband set her on fire. The Chris Brown/Rihanna case is the sort of domestic violence that I see nearly every day in my job as a prosecutor.

On top of all this, the ripple effects of violence continue to rip apart families and distort young minds. Many of the killers that come through my courthouse have a history of domestic violence in their homes. It will take powerful forces to break that generational curse.

For years groups have sought to reduce domestic violence nationwide. We would all benefit from the credibility and charisma that the first lady would bring to these efforts. Perhaps with her help, we could reverse recent trends and reduce domestic violence in America.

I have to wonder if it will take someone like Michelle Obama for people to truly stop and listen. It seems to me that the church is afraid to use our most powerful source GOD as the motivator!

I see people searching for the grey area so they really don't have to deal with the meat of the issue. Recently I wrote about one of the red herrings that stop them, and that would be the 'authority' within the home.

I truly feel people are afraid of opening this can of worms.

Its a can of worms that God would wish to be dealt with, but we humans use scripture as reasons we don't.

You also see this in history all the time.

From Bitter waters to Sweet mentions how Christians used scripture to justify slavery for example! We can't even imagine that today, but it was accepted and believed!

A Wife's Submission talks about Nate Phelps, and how his well known father Fred Phelps uses 1 Corinthians 11 as a tool of terror towards the women in his family. How he can use this power to take away their salvation. Nate Phelps has now completely turned his back on his faith.

Its just like the stories you find about the sexual abuse within the church that Because It Matters brings to our attention. People are so taken back and hurt by the stories they accuse others of 'judging' and remind them that they are a NICE person. They are a man of God. They just can't face they are a fallen man of God. The accusers are normally placed on the hot seat at that point as people search for flaws in their character to use as the excuse. They just can't place the fact that this person can do this using their own freewill. You can't heal broken people if you can't face the fact they are broken to begin with! IT doesn't happen in MY church...afterall!

We have all heard the sermons and read the articles about commitment. How we have covenants that we are fulfill. Men and Women that are abused are asked to fulfill a commitment and covenant by themselves, because their abusers aren't capable of that. What makes it harder is that society it seems can't seem to OWN that fact that they are not capable either. I will admit society is further along in loads of aspects when it comes to the 'world' versus domestic violence within the church!

Sadly, I think Glenn F. Ivey does have a point. It will take someone like Michelle Obama to start the push for the world to see the reality of this sin.

Its not due to being 'provoked' as people love to say.

Its due to two broken people that have separate issues they need to face and deal with.

Sadly, in alot of cases? They may never see it, because the world refuses to. The 'healthy' ones can't point it out, and help because its just to controversial. I guess its easier to blame the broken people. It would be to UN-politically correct to truly look deeper. The next time I hear, "That would never happen in MY church!" I hope they aren't Maryland! If they are I wonder if they will go as far as to ask about the invitation from Glenn Ivey! You know! Check to see if the denial is NOT in YOUR church! I can't believe Maryland is the one and only!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Humor Regarding Men and Feminism

1 comments Posted by Hannah at 9:54 AM

I had been doing some reading about Christians and feminism. I kept wondering if everyone used the extreme and radical form of it only to make their points. I'm finding that is pretty much the case so far anyway.

I found a top ten list that is MEANT to be humor, and I can see where they are getting their points. Christian Feminism's 10 Ten List:

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Shouldn’t Be Ordained

10. A man’s place is in the army.

9. For men who have children, their duties might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.

8. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be “unnatural” for them to do other forms of work.

7. Man was created before woman. It is therefore obvious that man was a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. This is easily demonstrated by their conduct at football games and watching basketball tournaments.

5. Some men are handsome; they will distract women worshipers.

4. To be ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a traditional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more frequently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.

3. Men are overly prone to violence. No really manly man wants to settle disputes by any means other than by fighting about it. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

2. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep paths, repair the church roof, change the oil in the church vans, and maybe even lead the singing on Father’s Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.

1. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinated position that all men should take.

Keep in mind I doubt it was meant to be offensive, and some parts of it did make me giggle!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Abusive Woman Series

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 10:41 AM

Collection of the posts using the Wife Swap show to point out abusive behavior with a woman.

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 9:36 AM

This is the third and final part using the show from the Wife Swap to show that women can be abusive also.

Part One and Part Two show what has happened up to this point, and Part three? This is the final blowout!

Jay finally blows that leaves the table himself, but he quickly returns at his wives request.

Lin decides she will change the mood of the table, and attempt to show the NICE parts of her week. Tony points out to her that when she was in charge? She never said one selfish thing, or acted in one selfish way. That did NOT go over well in his wife's presence!

Their attempt? It pretty much failed Rebbecca completely. You see the world is about HER, and those nice things? They should be showered upon HER as well!

Tony mentions the exercise routine that she worked out with him, and nicely asked if his wife would like to participate with him after their child goes to school. "GREAT" in a very nasty tone she responds with.

Jay nicely speaks to her, and tells her that this is a good thing. It will be a good thing for the both of them to participate with. Tony knows that if they BOTH do this its likely they continue compared to just ONE of them would be best. He also knows she might talk him OUT of doing this, because she needs him to do other things instead.

Did you see her LOOK as well? Yikes talk about EVIL!


Jay has a new appreciation for his family. He participates more with the household, and spends more time with his child. They have decided there are drill sergeant days and there are going to be sweet romantic days as well.

The BOSS at the other house? It meant Rebbecca got things back to the way she wanted them. She didn't want him to take the DJ job, and he had to decline.

She mentions that she didn't want him to change, and he doesn't need to change. WELL maybe the exercise part was okay, but the rest of it? She doesn't want things to change a bit. Why would she? Where is the incentive for her to?

You see she can say her family is first and foremost in her mind and heart, but actions speak louder than words. Her children aren't first, and her husband? That is FAR from a 50/50 partnership! You had better TELL her it is, but in reality it isn't. Remember when she mentioned how JAY was just going with the motions? She never even attempted them. True abuser fashion!

The exercise part that rubbed off on Tony? HER words, "I don't CARE!" They took a walk, and of course her opinion? Its not a good use of TIME! How long before she demands he stop that now?

When you have an abusive spouse that sees NOTHING wrong with their world? That is going to be HARD to make her see that others may not feel the same way! What makes it harder still? In her own words, "She doesn't care!" That woman is terribly emotionally and verbally abusive. At this point I think Tony is totally broken, and doesn't know what to do. He shows his love, and all she wants is MORE! Remember she wants her 50/50!

Tony was just being thoughtless, and YES even arrogant! He saw that and is in the process of changing that. YES people can change, but you have to admit what is there in order to DO THAT! I didn't truly see fear and intimidation on her part (Lin) towards Jay. I can't say that with Tony! He is intimidated by her!

Could a bit of assertive nature help? SURE it could! Can you imagine HER reaction to that? If I were guessing I doubt anyone ever pointed this out to him. In real life? He would be shamed by others for NOT being a man. NOT HELPFUL but hurtful advice. Break him a bit more why don't you?! Women are told to be nicer and more submissive. Men are told to STEP UP. Neither forms of advice are helpful, nor do they care fruit. The chances of Tony being in denial to help him deal with his world? VERY likely just as woman do.

What people don't concentrate on to much? The other side of this. How to handle the I DON'T CARE and GET OUT OF MY WAY type of person? They care MORE about themselves than anyone. Where would the incentive be to change? To see the light? To COME out of the COMA?

The Abusive Woman - The other side. You see abuse isn't about gender. Its about brokenness. Its about hurt and pain. Its about denial and control. Doesn't matter the gender does it? Its there no matter WHOM it happens to!

The other parts of the series of the abusive woman

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 10:32 AM

Yesterday I started to talk about the Abusive Woman using a show someone sent to me. The show is Wife Swap, and we have the two button pushers from both families living together. The more laid back counterparts? The are in the other home.

What's funny is Jay mentions, "When is she going to come out of her coma, and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her?"

ITS true in this situation, but its also true with his viewpoint towards things! He will at least come up for air in time!

It has been 4 days of her sitting on the sofa, and playing sick. She refuses to even do the dishes, because HE needs to realize marriage is a partnership. (giggles - oh boy!)

She totally dropped the ball with everything, because she doesn't 'want to'. I was surprised at how nicely he put it to her in a confrontation, and telling her he will treat her like a queen next? YIKES! That will help huh? NOT!!

THE SWAP Happens!

Lin decides she will be the new boot camp instructor within the home. What was kind of neat about that was she was going to TRY to get HIM to feel better about himself. She was going to be that 'helper' we hear about. Her whole focus is HIM, and she will try to help him get control of his life as she puts it. She will also place some focus on the children that Rebbecca also neglects.

Did you see the man's face when she told him HE was going BACK to being a DJ!!!!!!! He lit up didn't he?

Jay on the other hand is told that he will cook, clean, and do all the WIFE role stuff. What is his attitude compared to her's? YES MAME!

She took away the army clothes, and told him he WILL get involved with his daughter's interests this week. No more exercise, but quality family time!

She also wishes to show him a bit of spice and romance that his wife will feel once she returns. He is a bit insulted by the fact she insists he doesn't appreciate his wife, and he leaves the room upset.

Tony of course didn't take to the boot camp exercise to well at first, but she didn't scream at him over it. Its hard to change your lifestyle, and would be for anyone! Their daughter loved the attention given to her at cheer leading practice, and its clear she misses that from her mother.

Jay packed away his boot camp gear, and JUMPED right into his duties.

Rebbecca made some claim about him just 'going though the motions' so he can turn back to his old ways, and continue to be selfish. She basically projected things she will do to him. This is typical abusive behavior.

Its amazing how she can't see that trait within herself isn't it? That is what she did at the end! He didn't JUST go with the motions, but saw the light. You will see her ingrained root of rage, and control tactics the whole show.

Since Tony doesn't wish to take his exercise routine seriously Lin decides a major checkup at the doctor is needed to wake him UP! After the doctor scared him enough? He decided his children were motivation to take his health seriously, and stop being selfish as he put it. I hope he sincerely sticks with it. He seems like a nice man to me. I wouldn't wish anything to happen to him. He seems like a good DAD!

Jay of course as you can imagine is getting tired of being 'bossed' around, and confronts her about the 50/50 cut in her home. Its amazing she was SO SICK that she couldn't take the trash out, but sit there and complain about it. She could start the dishes, because she was able but refused to. He was doing it all, but he needed to step UP according to her!

Jay admits its amazing how someone can sit there and look at you with a straight face, and LIE about their contributions.

Abusers are very good at this. I have to wonder HOW they can do this myself!

Can you imagine people telling you that you may be a bit sensitive about that? How maybe you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Maybe they just need to feel your LOVE a bit more? Talk about frustrating and feeling not heard huh?

Victims hear this regularly. NOT just by the abusers, but from support systems they attempt to reach out to. HOW can they get control of things, and change the dynamics when everyone is not listening, or can't validate them in any way? If you can't admit how bad it is, and try to just sugar coat it? It brings helplessness to some, and downright anger to others. You can't blame either of them!

Lin is finding she feels good about giving support, instead of always ASKING for support all the time. She really can't feel that way at home if you look to Jay. He is the BOSS and LEADER of the home, and she is to follow orders. She maybe leading Tony at this point, but the attitude and intent is not the same is it? It seems to me that is the proper view of leadership. Why? People respond to that in a way that is good for everyone! I'm sure it looks different for other families, but I'm talking her approach. IT helps the family, and doesn't have to concentrate on feeling like the LEADER!

When it comes to 'family time' Jay is finding he has a whole new respect for what his wife does.

He also is finding that his little girl? WELL she isn't such a 'little girl' anymore, and he better get more involved with her life before her childhood passes him by.

Both Jay and his daughter are disappointed in Rebbecca that she is either sick or doesn't wish to do things.

They notice that she says one thing, and does another. As you can see from this dynamic it is not only Jay that is being taken advantage of in some ways, but its his daughter that is being neglected. Its not just the spouse that feels things, but the children as well.

Tony gets to try out his DJ job, and you can see how MUCH he feels good about himself in that role. Its like he has a new spring in his step!

His old radio station also offers him a job when he is ready. That just totally made his day! You can see even his daughter was excited for him, and she saw clearly how much that impacted him!

Jay and Rebbecca decide he needs a romantic dinner to remind him that his wife could use a little romance in her life! What happened when Rebbecca is called to task over her laziness, excuses, and la la land talk?

She refuses to participate and leaves.

How does she handle the confrontation at that point? She not only leaves the restaurant, but leaves his home to goes to a hotel. The next day she refuses to say goodbye, and goes to the spa instead.

All these shows end when the couples met together at a neutral spot, hug, and then go and sit down all four them together.

Rebbecca can't stand the attention of the cameras at this point, and totally refuses to participate in the last portion at all.

She threatens to stop the show if they don't get TONY in the car with her NOW!

Abusers do this all the time. They sabotage things they don't like when things get uncomfortable.

They don't like it if they are going to be confronted, or face with their own character flaws. She refuses to have ANYTHING to do with ANYONE! That was her form of control.

Tony has to remind her NOT to get mad at him because he is on her side. You notice she attacked him right off the bat? If something else is bothering abusers in life its quite normal for an abuser to attack their partner. Things are uncomfortable for them? They snap their partners heads right OFF! Does she sound like she would be in the mood to receive a nice, "Back off will you please" speech?

She makes it quite clear to him if he doesn't do as she expects? There will be hell to pay once she gets home. She does this before SHE allows any further production to continue! ON YEAH spoiled is a good word for it! Control freak abuser is another!

When Tony finally gets her to the table Jay makes it clear it was more than rude of her to make all of them wait. Granted maybe he could have done it differently, because I think he knew what her reaction would be. HE does have a point none the less!

Tony attempts to stick up for her, and Jay tells him how it was ALL WEEK! She of course interrupts, and he asks her to LET HIM FINISH! Abusers interrupt all the time, and in their intimidating ways? Victims don't normally get a chance to finish. They just won't listen to it. If they are pressed to? Chances are good payback is coming, or downright silent treatment is your punishment.

I can tell you right now Tony is going to be trouble as SOON as he gets in the car with her. HOW DARE he let that man even OPEN his mouth!

She made all kinds of excuses as to WHY she didn't help with anything. She was sick. She wasn't suppose to do anything. He points out to her that she didn't' have any issues sitting around doing nothing but barking orders!

The other parts of the series!

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 2:37 PM

From time to time people point out shows they have seen online that presents abusive traits in people. The one I wanted to show today was from Wife Swap, and we are going to SWITCH roles a bit! Why? The woman is the abuser!

I'm sure most of you know that I don't see abuse just in the eyes of women, and I do believe both sexes can be targets of abusive people.

Its an interesting program, and you can see good things and bad things from both families.

Johnson Family - Lin and Jay are the fitness family

Blackburn Family - Rebbecca and Tony are the at home business couple

The Johnson family not only surrounds their world with Fitness, but his military background encourages the extreme form of in charge type of leadership. Jay spends more time in his chosen lifestyle than he does with his daughter. After the introduction his wife Lin admits that she is in submission. She will mention that she does everything he does, plus all the housework duties. His response? 'You love our life don't YOU!' She wishes he could place the boot camp and exercise drills aside along enough to have something else in life. HEY maybe a little romance! His daughter wishes she could have more attention from him.

The Blackburn Family is a couple that claims things are done 50/50, and they also feel fitness is important. According to the program? She is the 'controlling force' in the home, and if fitness is important why he is over 370 pounds states the show producer. He does everything in their home while she sleeps, watches TV or gets a snack. What I giggled at? When the wives left for their new home? Tony says to Rebbecca, "Remember don't be to bossy!" During the introduction he mentions that she is not mean, but she likes to be obeyed. She said she doesn't see what she will gain from the swap personally, because everything she does is pretty right (with a huge grin). She didn't heed his advice later on regarding being bossy, and her abusive entitlement came into play.

When you hear the introductions you can see right away that the main button pushers? They will be living with each other in the SAME house! Jay and Rebbecca together? THIS will be fun huh?

You can see both of them have a bit of entitlement issues, and both of them seem to be in denial of things. Some people don't realize HOW they are coming off, and HOW things effect their families. Jay was open to changes after the show was complete, but Rebbecca wanted everything the same.

Wonder if either of them will wake up and smell the reality? WELL at least we know ONE does!

At the beginning the new wives arrive, and they read a little instruction manual as to how their home is run. As I'm sure with ALL of us if we had this happen would have giggles, OH BOY'S, and YOU have to be kidding me moments!

Tony is scared that she is going to work his butt off exercising, and I giggled because she knew he felt that way. You could tell she was going to attempt to be sensitive about this. Their daughter was thrilled because she helps cheerleaders in their fitness (cheerleading is the child's hobby) business. She is excited to know someone will be involved with her activities now.

Rebbecca tells Jay right off the bat she is spoiled, and his arrogance over the health and well being of his family is stated. He of course hints around at her lack of fitness. That doesn't sit well with her of course. There are ways of doing that, and other ways that cause people to be defensive. I think Jay doesn't seem to recognize he does get people defensive.

Lin is uncomfortable with the spoiled life style, and Rebbecca doesn't like to be taken advantage of. SHE claims that 50/50 deal arrangement for her home is what she is used to. She never sees that 50/50 never existed in her home, but loves to say it all the time. Quite normal for an abusive personality. They claim all kinds of things, but have nothing to back them up. I have wonder if saying things enough makes them actually believe it. Defensive mechanism for themselves maybe? I don't know.

When you go about 4:31 into the program is where Jay is attempting to be nice (although he is arrogant)about how she needs to get in shape if she wants to be there for her children. Hints that she will have a heart attack one day. I don't think I would have liked to be spoken to in that manner either, but part of the swap? Its to live the other families life for a week. She pretty much told you she isn't going to do that. When the going gets tough? The abuser digs in their heels.

If you watch closely they both Jay and Rebbecca TRY to get their points across to the other, and BOTH of them use diversion to pretend they didn't hear the other person's points.

As you can see both of them would NOT be very easy to get along with, or to find a place of resolution with. How great and grand would that be for anyone within a relationship if you are NOT able to resolve things? If they are able to? How completely exhausting that attempt would be! Can you FEEL IT?!

Then you have the two submissive parties in the other household. She was respectful to him towards his weight, and he appreciated it. You could tell he was ready to be attacked, and I'm sure we both KNOW by now who made him feel that way in the past.

One thing that did enter my mind as I watched this was hearing Pastors tell me this is a good example of how women wish to take over their leadership within the home. THIS is what happens when leadership is being usurp by women.

Given her attitude and you swap gender roles?

WHY the church would feel this dynamic within the couple would feel MORE comfortable to women? Think about that for a minute. I mean WHO WOULD?!

If it makes you squirm why would it not make others feel uncomfortable as well?

This has NOTHING to do with people 'wired to lead', etc. Its cruel and oppressive, and it would have that effect on anyone. You notice he is effected by this, and women in that area are not wired any differently. We are talking character flaws, and not ROLES here! Her behavior if it was a man would be used as showing leadership. If I were guessing unless a man had video tape like this? He would be dismissed in his way as well. They could be harsh and cruel to the man as well by telling him to MAN UP as well.

Its strange to me how people feel belittling people in that fashion would have a good outcome!

It has nothing to do with his 'manhood', and everything to do with unhealthy dynamic within their lifes.

DAY two happens and Rebecca refuses to get out of bed. Jay goes on with his day, and in his nasty mindset decides to mock her at practice.

She of course decides to deal with life with snacks and television. Remember she already made up her mind to dig in her heels. He isn't getting anything from her at this point. In her eyes? He started things, and she will end it her way.

SHE isn't going to do ANYTHING if she doesn't want to!

YOU are NOT going to force her, or talk her into it either!

She has an excuse for everything, and guess what?

THAT can cause resentment can't it? It would make no difference what gender it was, because resentment will happen with this 'I don't care' attitude! I will do what I want, and you DEAL WITH IT' attitude! Hinting at submission of just doing it? That enables bad behavior, and doesn't change a thing. THAT is what they WANT afterall! They like it the way it is! Why change it? They see no need, and there is nothing in it for them. They see no incentive AT ALL!

Part Two of the "The Abusive Woman - Watch the Other Side" is tomorrow!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

Friday, October 09, 2009

Pastor Chopped a Deputy's hand off.

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 8:48 AM

I was a bit stunned by the story I found online. Bizarre Crime of the Week posted about Pastor Curtis Watts Chopped Off Deputy's Hand. I dug a bit further, and WSFA had additional article and video on this story. Deputy's hand severed by axe was quoted as saying:

By Elizabeth White

CLAY COUNTY, AL (WTVM) - A Clay County deputy is slowly trying to regain the use of his hand, after it was chopped off by an axe over the weekend.

Deputies say the man who swung the bush axe was local pastor, they were trying to arrest.

Sources tell WTVM News Leader 9, Curtis Watts is the man who severed a deputy's hand with a bush axe.

Investigators say it all happened when a Clay county, Alabama deputy tried to make an arrest. Another deputy stepped in and shot and killed the man, identified by viewers as Watts.

"I never knew him to act violence he was always easy going," said James Crawford, a family friend.

Longtime friend, James Crawford, says he's heartbroken. The man he knew, built a church near his home and traveled to pastor at several churches in Clay and Randolph County. In addition, the man he knew sang gospel music.

"He went and would go singing he pastured shinning lights church for two years they would call him on Sunday and he would go pastor at other churches he did not have a regular church," said Crawford.

Investigators said the deputies hand has been reattached and he has moved his fingers. Meanwhile,

Crawford believes Watts was mentally ill. Still, he can't believe his friends life ended in such a violent way.

"I have no idea no clue I know he was a good Christian man I never thought this would happen but we don't understand these things sometimes," he said.

Clay county investigators refused to comment on camera. However, they did email us this release.

News release from Sheriff Jean Alexander of Clay County:

On Friday, September. 25, 2009 at approx. 9:30 p.m. the Clay County Sheriffs Office Special Response Team traveled to a cabin located on Saw Mill Road occupied by Mr. Curtis Watts, 48 years old.

Sheriff Jean Alexander had deemed this to be a High Risk warrant due to a previous domestic violence call responded to by other Clay County deputies earlier in the month on Sept. 15, 2009.

Mr. Watts was armed with a high-powered rifle during that encounter. A deputy was required to deploy his taser, and with the assistance of other officers, was able to secure the arrest. Mr. Watts was released on bond.

On Friday, September 25th, a family member had signed a new warrant of arrest and obtained a Protection from Abuse Order earlier in the day. Mr. Watts was not at the location on the first attempt to serve the warrants; however, the family notified the team leader again later that evening of Watts return to the cabin.

The Special response Team went back to the location on Saw Mill Road. Upon arrival, the Special Response Team announced their presence and identified themselves.

As they approached the front doorway, Mr. Watts came out, armed with a bush axe, and began swinging this deadly instrument. He directed the attack towards Sgt. Jason Freeman, the team leader.

In an attempt to defend himself, Sgt. Freeman deployed his taser. Although effectively striking Mr. Watts with the taser, Watts continued his assault towards Sgt. Freeman. In the first set of swings, Watts severed Sgt. Freeman's right hand. Sgt. Freeman attempted to flee but Watts continued the attack, missing Sgt. Freeman with additional strikes. To protect the life of Sgt. Freeman, another member of the response team was forced to use deadly force against Mr. Watts.

Mr. Watts was pronounced dead at the scene.

Because of the fatality, in accordance with standard operating procedures, the Alabama Bureau of Investigation was promptly notified and called to the scene. Any event involving a fatality and a member in law enforcement, an administrative inquiry is initiated and such is now pending.

Sgt. Freeman was air-lifted to a hospital in Birmingham. Sgt. Freeman underwent two surgeries where his hand was re-attached. He is doing well, but a long-term prognosis is undetermined. The Clay County Sheriff Office thoughts and prayers are with Sgt. Freeman and his family, and with the family of Mr. Curtis Watts.

To me this man clearly had issues. I know in certain small southern towns they feel that justice needs to be kept within the community, and have issues with outside forces like the police in this case. Do I know if this is true with this case? No I don't.

The Pastor had signs like, "Enter at your risk! There are eyes watching YOU!" all around the property. The story really doesn't mention if there were other reasons like a crimes recently in the area as to WHY this pastor needed signs like this surrounding his home and property.

The close knit communities, "We do justice within" type of atmosphere would also be why signs like this would be there. You can imagine how explosive that can be if you have someone that is a bit more paranoid about the outside world than others.

If this man was truly mentally ill as the story claims? Its ashame his church didn't step up to help him. His actions clearly show a strong sense of entitlement. The restraining order he wasn't going to put up with, and he wasn't going to let the police let him arrest him due to him ignoring it either. There would be no protection from the abuse in this case.

Newspapers like to point the extreme cases like these, but its up to the communities to deal with things before they get this bad.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Domestic Violence Month

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 4:58 AM

Its refreshing to see slowly you are seeing articled based on faith and domestic violence. To little time to comment on all of them. I wanted to link to a few for reading!

sydneyanglicans.net has an article entitled: Domestic violence

My Journey though motherhood, life, and now birth mom

Bruises Under Cover

Society of Christian Psychology

Monday, October 05, 2009


0 comments Posted by Hannah at 9:02 AM

Niki Made Her Choice and, Apparently, So Did We...

That was the title of the latest article I read on Internet Monk.

It reminds me of this 'My way or the Highway' stinkin thinkin at times.

Disclaimer TIME!

I wanted to point out right now that this subject matter isn't placed here due to my beliefs, or how yours are wrong or right. Its just an example to view things a bit different. I'm using this hot topic as an example only.

END of disclaimer, and BACK to the Internet Mock article!

It was an interesting to me. It was a story of a make believe person named Niki from Japan that came to America for a short period of time to attend a Christian School for a year.

She came to America as an atheist, and went back to Japan as an atheist as well. Why? She believed in evolution, and if you are Christian you just can't believe that!

Evolution isn't the subject matter of the article, but throwing people under the bus over it is. Evolution wasn't worth throwing away this person over.

I speak about many churches and pastors on my blog, and I would never go as far to tell them they are NOT a believer just because I can't accept their dogmatic doctrine. I may not agree on their narrow view of things, but I can see they believe in GOD!

my way or the highway

Doctrines you MUST believe or ELSE!

You hear in church all the time about the 'throw away society'. They are so quick to throw away their marriages. They are to materialistic. They love their sin.

To me you can have strong beliefs about one area, but WHY throw people away if they just can't get their mind around ONE small section of the bible like this subject - creationism?

Wouldn't Jesus want us to show them other portions of the bible that would TURN their whole life around? I have seen scare tactics within churches that if you don't agree with some portion than they seriously question your faith in GOD!


I have seen it in all kinds of areas. If you allow your children to trick or treat on Halloween. If you are taking depression medicine. If you waffle back and forth on certain tragic circumstances with HOT topics like abortion or homosexuality! If a woman works than she is allowing daycare to raise her children.

Don't struggle or question or you are OUT!

Here is a portion of Internet Monk's article, and the comments are also thought provoking! TO ME its interesting to read, and the comments were awesome! They get you thinking! That's the POINT!

Here is the quote:

So Niki, who heard the Gospel message of God’s love, life and forgiveness in Jesus, also heard that non-Christian science mostly can’t be believed, most scientists are atheistic conspirators in a plot to eliminate God from our culture and real Christians renounce any belief in the conclusions of secular scientists and embrace Creationism.

Niki, who heard about Jesus for weeks and weeks in her Bible class, could not bring herself to believe in creationism, so she cannot be a Christian.

Did Niki meet anyone who believes the Bible is true, but didn’t believe that science is a vast conspiracy? That the answers aren’t all to be found in the Creationist movement? That you are not forced into the “either/or” choices between Jesus and science that so many Christians insist on? No one knows, but if she did, they were few.

Did Niki receive any encouragement from someone who had managed to answer these questions and still survive as a scientist in the evangelical community? Did she meet anyone in the sciences who still believed in Jesus and the Gospel? Did she meet anyone who was a professing Christian and also a person who worked in mainstream scientific fields of research or academics?

So Niki has gone back to Japan as an atheist. The seeds were sown and perhaps they will take root and bear fruit. Perhaps one day Niki will write and say that she has placed her faith in Jesus and has abandoned her confidence in the usual scientific models of the origin of the earth and human beings. Perhaps Niki will tell us she found a church and has given up her beliefs in science so she could embrace believing in Jesus.

If Niki goes to MIT, or works for NASA or cures cancer or AIDS, will she remember her journey among evangelical Christians as an encouragement to be a great scientist?

Or perhaps Niki will go on being an atheist.

For many Christians, that will continue to be an acceptable outcome.

My first thought when I read this? Major BLECK! The sad part? Its true of some Christians.

Try to FORCE someone to believe one certain aspect instead of talking about Jesus and what he wishes to give? I'd rather start with Jesus. God can get a hold of people on his own, and transform what he wishes to transform. Why do we forget that part?

As one poster said:

We should be careful of which “facts” we become dogmatic over or we fail to become salt and light and risk becoming a poison instead.

Another poster mentioned they were a teacher, and they spoke of the fear of even talking about certain areas. Here is the quote:

I love talking about the Large Hadron Collider. I think it’s fascinating. But when I explain what it is and what scientists hope to learn from it, I get students who are both awed and some who are furious. Why the anger? At that age, I think some of it is just sub-culturally absorbed, but for others… Anger is often a mask for fear; they can easily be triggered by the same stimulus, and both are a basic psychological means of dealing with a problem or unwanted element that are often conjoined for this reason. But if this anger that arises is really a mask for fear, then why the fear? This suggests to me that people’s faith is fragile. They have to protect it from the evils that might shatter it, and then what would they have? Wouldn’t it be wiser to find ways to strengthen that faith as opposed to just sticking it in a plastic bubble?

I think we all know there are areas that we struggle in, and we shouldn't go there! We all have different areas.

For example you would NOT want to send an alcoholic into a bar to share the Gospel! If you wanted to reach those in the pub? Sending people that don't struggle with alcohol would be a GREAT idea! To the alcoholic? That could be a stumbling block, and maybe send them to speak to the swim team instead!

My way Highway Pictures, Images and Photos


In college I enjoyed learning about different faith systems. I took classes, read books, and studied the different beliefs. It was truly exciting for me. I not only got the history, but a good look at what and why they believed certain things. I'm sure my 'history' bug was part of that. I truly LOVE history!

I also realize that some would be put off by that. WHY would wish to do that? YOU might FALL into their TRAP! That may lead you into sinful areas! You may LOSE your faith in GOD!

(Shakes head) It may very well do that to them, because that is something they may struggle with. I had no issue whatsoever there, and if anything it strengthened my faith! Some may question my walk and commitment because I went places that may tempt some. It didn't tempt me at all, and them saying it MIGHT have doesn't change that either. 'WELL IT COULD HAVE!', they say. Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder if opening people's minds at bit may make them fear that they will lose their faith. Faith can't be all that strong if you have close yourself up completely. Fear is NOT something our faith wishes us to have in this area is it?

They can't even wrap their minds around this difference, because its MY WAY or the HIGHWAY!

I do tend to wonder at times if faith IS fragile for some people. I read some beliefs by some about HOW they refuse to celebrate Christmas for example. I don't have an issue with them NOT wishing to celebrate it like others do for their own personal reasons, and how they realize this may trigger something within them they wish to avoid. That's fine! When they question MY faith and walk because I don't have the same triggers? That is an area we can use different people for different purposes. We are custom afterall!

People will use 1 Corinthians 8 in a way to show you that you must believe as I believe or ELSE! In the case of Niki from Japan? Was their stern belief in the creation story ONLY worth losing her completely?

Why can we NOT allow God to move her in that area (if we feel its needed) while we show her that Jesus loves her, and he wishes her to be saved? I mean is God NOT going to allow her INTO heaven if she still questions the big bang theory for example compared to the story of creation?

Would our STERN policy on creationism not cause her to stumble? Do our 'must have' doctrines cripple our ability to share the Gospel?

my way or the highway

As one poster stated:

I think another stumbling block for non-believers is the stubborn (and possibly dishonest) refusal of many Christians to admit the obvious: the Bible is really, really hard to understand. It doesn’t “explain itself” and it requires a great deal of knowledge that can only be gained outside of its own covers.

That was profound to me!

Science to me at least opens doors to what God created on this earth that may not be covered in the bible. I mean THINK of atoms and molecules for example. We have learned ALOT from the study of those! Its impacted every area of our life.

It's amazing the knitting that God did to place things together they way he did. I mean WOW! The more we understand about the science the more we advance all kinds of things. I realize SOME good and SOME bad okay?

Do I believe hook, line and sinker every aspect of science? Heck NO! Do I have to in order to accept Science?

I wouldn't think so since there are all kinds of theories out there that were proven false. It doesn't mean the study of the molecules and atoms aren't still pretty AWESOME! If you think about it some FAILED theories open doors for others that were beneficial to us.

I JUST don't understand the fear of science or psychology for example. I don't agree with all aspects of it, but some of it makes a lot of sense! What is even stranger? That KNOWLEDGE made parts of the bible more clear to me as well! Imagine that?!

The article that the Internet Monk linked to another interesting one as well. One of the stories spoke about a man that was a Scientist. He was a strong Christian man, and yet his occupation separated him in alot of ways from the other believers. He would be stepping on fragile areas if he spoke of his work to often.

Here is a quote from Timstafford's Blog:

Over the years, this became problematic for my friend. He was loyal to his church and appreciated its work in his life. But his life as a scientist was completely excluded. Most of his day was spent in the laboratory. His ambitions and joys were largely wrapped up in his research, but he felt that talking about it with church friends was awkward, almost embarrassing—as though he were describing an intimate bodily function in mixed company. As the years went by, and he became an increasingly prominent scientist, this split existence became more and more uncomfortable to him. He grew increasingly detached from the life of the church.

MY way or the HIGHWAY!

Why his work was worth throwing him away? Why is that acceptable to treat others like that?

We deal with domestic violence on this blog, and over the years I have alot of letters from men, women and children that have left the church AFTER they left the abuser!

The church couldn't accept what had happened between these people within the marriage. They couldn't accept that their spirit was being crushed, and their bodies were being damaged. They couldn't accept that words: corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. I mean the bible says that? Sounds a bit stronger than 'verbal unkindness' for example doesn't it?

Our strict doctrine on how we deal with marriage pushes people RIGHT out of the church! I do feel that marriage is important, and YES it is what God would wish. YES I do believe he hates divorce, but he also hates alot of things. In most cases? I believe marriage is the best way. When you get into an abusive situation? It gets a bit sticky for all kinds of reasons.

I cry at the brokenness of people dealing with down right evil within their homes, and they are asked to PRAY only! Given some speech about how they are NOT in the Will of God if something doesn't happen according to HOW others see things!

Its like they don't even listen when people TALK!

Sinners why way or the highway

Science isn't something that has to scare you.

Freeing a person from the cycle of abuse can be a good thing! I realize people go straight to divorce when I say that, and THAT is NOT what I'm talking about! I was thinking healing of the abuser and their family.

Niki could have gone home as a Christian, and she didn't due to doctrine.

The scientist was pushed out of the church due to his occupation, and an unrealistic fear of science.

When the going gets tough? The doctrine doesn't save them.

We throw them under the bus, and people leave the faith.

Its like common sense is something evil!

How inspiring we would be if we were free to open our minds! How much FRUIT could we show if we didn't have FEAR of things due to church doctrine! How inviting we would be if we didn't allow differences to automatically shut others out of the faith!

When do they take the speck out of their own eye?

Doctrines have purpose. The mission of the church as purpose. The bylaws of organizations have purpose.

When those are used to SHUT people out? That's a bottleneck! When people don't feel welcome, and when people feel they can't speak freely? When doctrine is used instead of compassion, grace, and love we are telling others MY way or the HIGHWAY!

Its not that people don't want to HEAR and LIVE the word of Christ! Its that they are being told they CAN'T due to rule one, rule two, and....

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Violent Sex Offender To Be Ordained A Minister In Kentucky

4 comments Posted by Hannah at 7:42 PM

There is a church in Kentucky that has now ordained a Sex Offender.

I watched this video, and I'm sorry I can't agree with this.

I realize there is a God of second chances, but we also deal with certain consequences of our actions.

What do you think?

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