Do we understand insensitivity?

Do we understand insensitivity?

The Pearls have been in the news again.  Michael Pearl spoke on a program called Cooper Anderson's Show today.  It was a followed up from a program called UnGodly Discipline on CNN.

I’m NOT going to talk about spanking.  I want to write today about the insensitivity towards tragic life altering events. 

The Pearls have a book called, How to Train Up a Child.  There have been children killed by the parents that claim they follow the Pearls teachings.  When the first child died I think most people were a bit take back by the Pearl’s reaction.  They pretty much blew it off as nonsense.  Now we have other children that died, and I wrote about one named Lydia The Girl The Pearls Laughed At.

We are talking about a death of a child.  The parents are arrested.  We have siblings that are mourning not only at the loss of their parents, but their sister as well.  You have community, friends, neighbors – a whole network of Lydia’s life reeling over what happened.

The parents took teachings on discipline out of book, and took it to a level that killed their child.  No, Debi and Michael Pearl did not kill those children directly.  Their reaction to their deaths though were immoral. 

They speak of the bible, but showed no grace, humility, or compassion towards what happened.  They were to busy getting defensive over their book being brought up as a possible tool that the murderous parents used.

My five grown children are laughing at your foolish, uninformed criticism of God’s method of child training, for their kids—my 17 grandkids—are laughing . . . because that is what they do most of the time.

People all around the world, in places like Russia, China, Germany, New Zealand, Guatemala, Peru, Africa, and fifty other countries are laughing with joy because after applying the Biblical principles found in our books they finally have happy and obedient children.

Even my chickens are laughing . . . well, actually it more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken....

You can read the rest of it on Lydia’s page I linked above. 

Does this not come across as insensitive to anyone else out there?

Elizabeth Ester was on the talk show with Mr. Pearl today.  I noticed his demeanor wasn’t the same as the letters he leaves on his website.  He didn’t preach to everyone about how they were foolish, uninformed people that didn’t understand God’s method of child training.  He didn’t laugh at them because they will not have happy and obedient children.

The insensitivity towards the children is what helped the Pearls gain this attention.  I guess they are reaping what they sowed.  People are not going to look at you and your teachings with compassion when you mock, ridicule, and ‘laugh’ at dead children.  Its common sense.

Most people can show some compassion towards a child that was beat to death, and its telling when a Christian Ministry (that is what they call it) can not.

No.  It seems his followers are the ones feeling mocked today.  The Christian Post wrote a story on, “To Spank or Not To Spank”.

But today, the topic of biblical spanking has reached such a peak in debate and conversation that it is time for Christians to make the case as to what biblical training is and is not. Approximately 95 percent of all liberal media outlets, the same media outlets that are driven to squash Christianity and our current conservative value system, is also "spinning" perspectives on physically disciplining and training our children. If we do not let our voices be heard and truth be told, this, along with basic religious freedoms, will be taken away from us as we are seeing at an alarming rate.
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As the Rev. Michael Pearl accurately writes on his website No Greater Joy Ministries: “The people who condemn biblical chastisement do not believe the Bible. They judge others by their own experience. The only time they have ‘hit’ their children, or been tempted to, was when they were angry. They assume that when we spank it is with the same hostility they have felt.”

As I mentioned they are so busy being defensive they totally miss the point.  They accused people of ‘spinning’ perspectives, and yet don’t you just love the spin Rev. Michael Pearl used.  He wrongly assumes that those that are upset are the ones that hit when angry.  How they seem to be projecting onto him.

In the article they get close, but were given no cigar as the saying goes:

And again Pearl states, “Opponents of the biblical use of the rod support their position by pointing to its occasional misuse. It is our contention that all authority is misused from time to time, but that misuse does not negate the legitimacy of the office itself, rather of the ones who abuse their sacred authority. When the courts are unjust or dishonest, we do not abolish the office of judge or the administration of law. When a law enforcement agent is corrupted by money or a desire for power, we do not fire all the policemen. When a president of the United States is hedonistic and sells favors, enriching himself through crooked deals, we do not resort to a dictatorship. When state social workers molest children and abuse them, we do not stop all social work.”

There is no doubt that the parents misused their position, and if they read the cases it went further that the ‘biblical rod’.  Those children didn’t laugh like your family and your chickens Rev. Pearl. 

The misuse of the position of authority IS the key here!  Everyone can agree on that!    Sadly, the Pearls and their followers are more upset about their book being discussed by their own reaction.  The fallout is of their own making.

Its not the liberal media, or the secular doctors, studies or courts. Its was your cold hearted response.   There is NO DOUBT the book and the Pearl’s ministry would have come up for discussion because of its controversial nature.    Debi and Michael Pearl’s  response was like gas on a fire – since they love visuals.

It should have been a time to ask others to pray for the family, and then use that moment as a ‘teaching moment’.  It would have been very appropriate to remind parents about misuse of the rod.  The ramblings about the abolishing the office of Judge when you find one bad one?  It’s a silly example, and also a spin. 

Just a side note here, but if you look at the article today?  They quoted a couple from an organization called Christian Discipline.  Ahem!  I don’t think that is the same kind of discipline  that you think it is Mr. PEARL!  They speak about ‘spanking wives’ on that site!  Don’t we even research our sources?


Debi and Michael have horrible responses, and it shows their wisdom is in serious question when it comes to these types of things.  It highly offensive, and you bring on the trouble and heartache by your own words and actions. 

Maybe a hire a professional to deal with responses.    Your spin comes off as insensitive, and your followers coming to your defense?  It makes things worse.  Thankfully, their response towards Hanna was better.  They still had to throw in their digs at the end, but it came across as a bit more compassionate.

Here is a quote from Elizabeth Esther:

Additionally, if the Pearls had shown a little humility, grace and genuine sorrow about these tragedies, then the line of questioning wouldn’t be as tough. But instead, the Pearls have repeatedly–and brashly–defended their views, refused to modify their harsh recommendations all while calling their critics “uninformed” and accusing bloggers like myself of inflammatory rhetoric.

Lastly, here is clip from one of the news programs.  I think they were respectful towards Debi and Michael Pearl.

Lydia The Child the Pearls Laugh at!

I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read a story from Beauty For Ashes.  I'm sure some of you have read of the awful death of the child named Lydia.  Prosecutors say that earlier last month Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz of Paradise, Calif., beat their 7-year-old daughter to death with quarter-inch plastic tubing because she mispronounced a word. They say the girl's parents held her down and whipped her for hours causing massive tissue damage that resulted in her death.  Lydia's 11 year old sister was placed in the hospital in critical condition.  It seems her older sister was a bad influence on her siblings.  This couple is looking at life imprisonment.

Beauty for Ashes begins her piece:

Paul and I have just returned home from the funeral of a most precious little girl.  Lydia's smile could have lit a room. Now it reflects the glory of God the Savior for all eternity.

Yes they knew the family in question, because they had once attended their church but it seems left over doctrinal issues it seems.  This women had such grace that she showed as she spoke of this family.  The loss hit her and her family unlike most of us that read about this poor child on the news.  Its a bit different listening to how these types of things effect you when you listen to someone close enough to know them.

Gossip? Lets look at the intent!

Its Gossip! Do not talk about this! You are dishonoring those you should love!

Here are some definitions of gossip that I found.

1. Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
2. A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
3. Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
4. A person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others
5 A rumor or report of an intimate nature.

If you have read anything in regards to forms of abuse like Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, etc. the biggest killer is silence.

People can't help you if they don't know what is going on.

I have seen time and time again Christians shutting down others by telling them NOT to speak of their spouse, unless they are to edify them.

In one of my last last posts about a song about verbal abuse I spoke of a story towards the end. It was about a lady that had survived an abusive relationship, and she didn't feel she could really speak of it.

The reason that she was refraining was because she said that she had done things in her past that she was not proud of; she described them as terrible and horrible things, and she felt that she simply could not speak ill of anyone else. She said that she had no right...

I think we all have things we may have done that we are NOT proud of. Goodness knows I have some as well. I received a very thoughtful reply, and it truly did make me remember things as well.

I had recently been wondering and praying about the issue of discussing what happened to me and how is that different than mere gossip?

I believe the difference is intent.

Am I using what happened to me to teach others how to handle a situation or comfort others? Or am I relating my experiences in a bitter, hateful, malicious, spiteful, vindictive, retaliatory manner?

I do think the 'intent' part is key.

I remember when I started on my journey of recognizing what indeed was happening in my life. I remember some men and women mentioning things from their past, and how they grew past it. It wasn't meant as bitter, and to show how awful their spouse was. It was to make a point to the other person (me), and almost give them permission to open their eyes. I know I'm not alone in saying I felt like I must be the only one on earth experiencing these things. I just couldn't understand WHAT I was doing to trigger such awful reactions from my spouse. What did I say to make him feel he needed to return it with such venom and contempt! How much more softly and gently was I to approach, and how could I stop this walking on eggshells.

I was very aware of my every move! I questioned everything and anything I did with the intent of 'how is he going react?" On the surface most people would think - that's awesome! You think of HIM before yourself! I'm talking the extreme version, because I did that out of fear not serving. I knew the consequences if I stepped out of line. The intent they saw wasn't my reality at all. I would have LOVED it to be, but I did it because I was afraid of him. I was afraid of what would happen to me if I didn't. Big difference!

One of my first articles was about Debi and Michael Pearl. I feel sorry for Debi and Michael Pearl. One of the first things she mentions in her article is that you need to be sure you are almost PERFECT before praying for relief from an spouse that is cruel. Make sure your ducks are in row, and then PRAY that God takes them. Most people dealing with verbal abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse and their faith AREN'T looking for God to kill them! They want the abuse to STOP, so they can have that person back they felt they fell in love with.

She encourages her readers to stay silent:

He will see her giving up her rights and not taking offense when he knows he has wronged her. He will see she honors him, obeys him, treats him with respect, and serves him with a non-rebellious, non-resistant attitude. He will see her spirit is not raging outwardly in emotional fits or inwardly in silent brooding of hurt, but her spirit is quiet, restful, and peaceful. He will see she doesn't puff up and talk incessantly in criticism of him—or others. He trusts her. He knows she is not going to discuss him with her pastor or friend. He sees she is wise with what little money he gives her. She is a remarkable woman, not because she is classy in the way she dresses or looks, but in the way she controls her spirit. She rejoices for an opportunity to bless him, and he knows her heart is good. He tries her; he deliberately tempts her into hurt or anger; he judges her unfairly; he demands things of her that he knows embarrasses her, yet she is in subjection to him in all things. And in the end, she wins him by her chaste conversation. It is a promise from God to you. And God goes on to promise more to this obedient, believing lady.

The Pearls set up this 'happily ever after' if you just take the abuse, and keep it to yourself...and wait on God to take charge you will get your fairy tale marriage.

Luk 8:17 "Whatever is hidden away will be brought out into the open, and whatever is covered up will be found and brought to light.

Joh 12:46 I have come as a light into the world, that whoever believes in me may not remain in the darkness.

I believe that if you keep silent, and allow others to tell you its 'gossip' the cover up will not be found and brought into the light. God knows of course, but people aren't going to understand domestic violence within the church unless its spoke about. How are we to help those that need help if we encourage them to stay silent.

Think of all the testimonies that we hear about how broken people that sinned in all kinds of awful ways, and how their lifes turned around once they came to Christ. Do you think all those people kept silent about the struggles they had on their journey to Christ? Did they not have trusted people in which they could share their struggles and that venom they needed to get out of their system with? If you pick those parties that will give you a soft reply, and accept you but are willing to show your error lovingly - does that NOT show the right intent? Those are the ones you hear about when they speak of their journey in coming to Christ if you listen to them. They will speak of their hills and valleys. Its okay!

I went into stage during my growth in which anger took over. The realization of what is happening in my life was clear, and all the stream from the pressure cooker came to the surface and I exploded. I'm NOT going to sit here and tell you that I didn't say some really nasty things about my spouse. I'm not going to say I didn't mention how I would love to see him HURT as well! I would LOVE to tell you how I lovingly placed all those items in a neat little box, and my reaction was more of Melody Wilkes from Gone with the Wind!
I would be lying, but I would LOVE to say that! LOL! I think at that point of my life if I had SHARED it in group in would more than qualify as gossip! It would have been more of look what happen to me, and join me in the HATE parade! I was lucky that I had friends that accepted that rage within me, and helped me get past it. Place it into prospective so I could grow beyond that point. I don't wish harm or hurt to him anymore. I do wish to tell more about my story so that others can see the light, and move on to healthier aspects of life. Educate those that seem to think keeping silent regarding what I endured isn't healthy either. People speak of their experiences for a purpose, and gossip just isn't the defination!

I respect the women in the story choice of NOT wanting to share her experiences. I remember a time in which I got to after the anger stage in which I couldn't do it either. I saw the error of my own ways, but that didn't MAKE him abuse me. That was his choice. I never returned fire the way he did, because I knew I couldn't live with myself. I can't say I wasn't tempted!

I got food poisoning once, and I was so weak I couldn't get off the bathroom floor. I screamed for him to get me help, and he refused to do that. The next day I was rescued by a family member, and brought to help. I was very lucky I didn't die on the bathroom floor that night. I remember reeling from that experience, and his excuse of saying I wasn't CLEAR enough that I needed help. I was told by Focus Ministries that what I experienced was a form of physical abuse. I never would have put those two things together. His neglect as being physical abuse. I can now use that story as an education tool to show that beating isn't the only form. You don't have to be the burning bed type of women to experience this. My intent now would be education, but in the past it may not have been! I could have used this as a tool to show how awful men are, or how ugly he was, etc. It could have been a tool to keep the bitterness within me. I could have used this as a tool to hurt him with. The truth is MOST men aren't like that, and I know that women could be also that cruel. That bitterness isn't the type of tool I would wish to hold on to. Telling the story in that light wouldn't help in the form of education either. The focus would be more on me, and what is his name - address and phone number so we can hate him also!

Intent IS the difference.

If you have gone to your church or pastor for help, and they told you that you MUST NOT speak of your spouse in that fashion due to gossip - find someone else. Reaching out for help is just what you need. You may also have that anger stage that I spoke about later. To be honest - I think I needed it. That rage would have imploded on me more, and I don't think I could have moved on to where I'm at if not for that experience. I think God used it as a tool to show me its part of the journey, but you don't want to live there. Unlike abusers I had peace once it was released. Some tell me it was rightoues anger. I don't know, but I know it was something that helped me move on. Those safe people helped me keep things in check.

Speaking of the experiences of domestic violence within the church in forms of verbal abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse and your faith isn't gossip. It could help others move on if you do this with the right intent. I know I won't stay silent ever again.

Blessings.

Patriarchy Leaves the Broken Behind

The bible speaks alot about the oppressed and broken people of this world. God's word tells us to help the oppressed, neglected and abused.

I was reading today about some ladies mentioning Michael and Debi Pearl, and I'm sure they have some awesome things to say on certain subjects but on abuse within the home they are clearly naive. On the brew*crew the poster wrote about how this legalistic way of thinking can do more harm than GOOD! Domestic Violence within a Christian marriage is possible, and it does happen ALOT with a good article noted by The Dorcas network! There are days in which I have energy to take on those that mention its a rare thing, because if you look at the numbers it happens just as much as it does in the within the protective bubble within the church.

At times I get this impression that people are using the shelter of the church so they don't have to deal with life's uglies. I don't think that is what God had in mind when he spoke of separate. I realize some are stronger in some areas than others, but to avoid all contact isn't healthy either!

The uglies of the real world can't get in if I only have friends from church.

The uglies of the real world can't affect my children that are home schooled or only go to Christian schools.

The uglies of the real world can't come into our minds if we only see God Gloried movies, read book from Christian authors.

If separate ourselves so much from the real world as a protective measure for one we can't REACH the others, and two we don't truly realize the reality of the world. The reaction of people that DO come in with all the world's uglies like domestic violence can't be that picture perfect image that the bubble needs to have to be safe. Emotional abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical abuse all go on within the doors of the church. The victims when they start to question or get strong enough to face facts are pushed away, and told to HUSH basically.

Adventures in Mercy wrote an very powerful article I felt. When God Leaves The Broken Behind: Biblical Patriarchy’s Biggest Problem

If there is one thing different about this God of ours, it is that He goes after the ones that all the other groups forget, or purposely exclude, or even outrightly despise. He’s the God who leaves the 99 to go get the 1, who will search the house for the lost coin, who will hear the prayers of a sinner because of the sinner’s humility, yet closes off His ears to the one who basks in his own righteousness. He is the God of whom women sing, “He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Yet, in the name of this very God, we are handed books or “doctrines” or systems of thought that promote exaltation of the strong. What happens to the weak when they cry out for help? The advice to them goes something like,

“Try harder. Do more. You didn’t do it the right way. Try harder. The problem is you, not the system, never the system. If it fails you, that’s only because you failed it. Try harder. Do more.”

And if you dare to ask where Jesus went in all of it, you will be scolded and reminded of your failure. Because if you would have just tried harder, Jesus would have blessed you. The verse in Titus is rewritten, and the new song is, “Sanctification by works, not of grace, lest any man should think the power came from God.” Work harder. Do more. And for God’s sake, don’t question the authority of the system. You’ll never get your picture in the magazine that way.

YES if you try harder, and be a better servant things will turn around for you! If you wouldn't do things that make him so mad you can avoid the bruises. If you would do things to GIVE and not GET maybe he wouldn't be so frustrated! He is the HEAD, and he is the authority in your home - blessed are those that respect that role!

I have said this before and I will say it again - I have to wonder if a huge scandal like the sexual scandal of the Catholic church when it comes to women dying due to what the church demands of the women doesn't finally wake UP the church!

Those within the protective bubble try hard to get that area neat and clean. Their husbands may be good men, and realize the responsibility of their role. They are NOT Mr. Demand man, and are quite loving to their children. Its when you have women within that bubble that ask questions, and mention things that aren't right within the home that get blasted! They are rebellious, and they gossip about their husbands! They don't understand submit, and they can't respect the HEADSHIP within the home! As was noted within that article followers are quick to announce their stand against abortion, but when it comes to abuse within their own fold? They fall flat, and have no mercy for those that are oppressed!

Thus says the Lord, ‘Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed, deliver him from the power of his oppressor” - Jeremiah 22: 3a

Patriarchy, in some homes, concentrates all power into the hands of an oppressor. What happens to the wife when she speaks out, if she ever does? She is told to hush. She is told that respectful women won’t talk about it. She goes to her bookshelf of marriage books for help, for counsel, for guidance. There, she reads books that counsel her to be more submissive, that her husband’s behavior will change if she can just reach the right level of submission. She reads books that tell her to speak in a child-like tone and to act like a young girl, to help her husband feel important. She reads books that tell her that good wives will never never NEVER speak about their husband’s in a negative way, no matter what. “Biblical” patriarchy isn’t delivering this woman from her oppressor. It is handing her to him on a platter, and telling her to smile cheerfully while they’re at it, or God will not be pleased.

It amazes me at times the hoops that those ask others to jump though so that the men can feel their role in a proper fashion. Those behaviors are NOT to be talked about, because they belong OUTSIDE the bubble! Is it any wonder WHY these women go secular? They may bite and pray that the Lord will deliver them out of oppression, but they also know it will not be with the hands of the church to help in that area. Their job is to make sure she is saintly enough to be inside their bubble of protection, and if she steps out of that to much sadly alot of people are shunned.

I'm sure part of it may be fear of being attacked, or threaten by the abuser as well. You read about missionaries all the time that place their lifes in harms way in order to honor God, but most of us won't even go near that place. We have our own families to worry about. We have a hard enough time keeping them inside the bubble safe and warm.

I have seen so many state this isn't the way patriarchy is suppose to operate. It doesn't mean POWER and CONTROL! Yet if you look at how it is dealt with when trouble is brewing...WELL...and the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than Words!" We are all human, and none of us should be placed in a the position of unquestioned authority on this earth. God is the only one that can hold that role.

Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they refuse to confront sin. Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they ignore the bruises on the outside and those within. When you get to legalistic about this they add to those bruises, and to me it seems like punishment for dirty mess you brought into the bubble.

This is what patriarchy gives to men like that. Complete and total power. What does it give to their wives? Hell. A hell that is “God’s Way,” a hell that is, “Biblical,” a hell that they are required to smile about, to accept with joy. If women in homes like these wonder whether patriarchy really is God’s way, they are told that they are walking in rebellion, have left the Scriptures, are being deceived by Satan or even have left the faith.

Is a system God’s way, when it creates more oppression than was there before? Is a system God’s way, when it leaves the weak and the broken in a state of being worse off than before? Is a system God’s way, when it takes the healthy and pulls them down, limb by limb—when it offers condemnation instead of healing, derision towards the wounded, even as it inflicts the wounds, instead of compassion and mercy?

What answer does the patriarchy camp have for these thoughts of mine? I don’t know. I am one of the weak and the broken. They have no ears for people like me.

Is this not the fact which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke? - Isaiah 58

Patriarchy allows the Holy Hush to happen, and Patriarchy leaves the broken behind.

Debi Pearl's "Created to be a helpmate"

LINK to page "Created to Be His Help Meet" discussion

I have written on the misteachings this organization offers, but this blogger actually is taking it my sections. The above link as to do with the domestic violence section. This is not to say that everything they have to say is incorrect, but they clearly are misinformed on some things. Its a shame that they continue to place such a burden on ladies in this situtation. The link above is the this section, and while you are there read section 8 as well!

Page 79: “A Command Man who has gone bad is likely to be abusive. It is important to remember that much of how a Command Man reacts depends on his wife’s reverence towards him. When a Command Man (lost or saved) is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive. In most marriages, the strife is not because the man is cruel or evil; it is because he expects respect, and is not getting it. When a wife plays her part as a help meet, the Command Man will respond differently. Of course, there are a few men who are so cruel and violent that even when the wife is a proper help meet, he will still physically abuse her or the children. In such cases, it would be the duty of the wife to alert the authorities so that they might become the arm of the Lord to do justice.”

This quote puts the pressure on the wife to prevent her husband from abusing her. It suggests she can prevent abuse by obedience, honor, and reverence. This doesn’t work. Research on domestic violence shows that an abuser will hit his wife for a matter as simple as burning the dinner or him having a bad day at work or coming home drunk. Debi doesn’t seem to understand the pleasure of power, especially absolute power. It is the wife’s inability to prevent violence, even by her diligent attempts to obey, that perfectly expresses the abuser’s absolute control. The power is God-like, determining good and evil beyond her ability to comprehend. Men love power, especially Command Men.

This quote puts the guilt of abuse on the wife’s head (except for a very few unspecified cases). Even though it says that a few men are so bad they should be reported, there is no specification of when to make this distinction. An abused wife reading this book could, in retrospect, always identify some thing she thinks she could have done to stop her husband’s violence. Advice like this serves only to continue a cycle of submission and abuse often described in domestic violence studies. We believe, no matter what a wife does or does not do, a husband should never be abusive toward her. Abuse for any reason, even if the wife is not submissive or reverent , is cruel and evil.

Says the author about one section of the book!

Michael uses 1 Peter 2 & 3 to teach that women in abusive situations should suffer in silence in order to bring glory to God. 1 Peter 2 encourages slaves when they suffer for doing good and uses the example of Jesus’ suffering which brings us salvation. The beginning of 1 Peter 3 encourages women to submit to their unsaved husbands in hopes of bringing them to salvation. Michael ties these two passages together and teaches that women are to suffer in silence, even at the hands of abusive husbands, in order to bring glory to God. Here are some representative quotes:

Page 263: “Lady, you were created to give glory to God. When God puts you in
subjection to a man whom he knows is going to cause you to suffer, it is with
the understanding that you are obeying God by enduring the wrongful suffering.
And when you suffer wrongfully, as unto the Lord, you bring great glory to God
in heaven.”

Page 263: “Has your husband reviled and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by
committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself
to the one who placed you under your husband’s command. Your husband will answer
to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even
when he causes you to suffer.”

Page 264: “You can freely call your husband “lord” when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your
husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities… I
know that this must be an amazing doctrine to many of you. Nonetheless, it is no
less radical than Jesus was radical, and it is God’s way.”

Page 265: “For the eyes of the Lord see all that take place. His ears are open to your prayers when you obey him and obey your husband. And then comes the
promise: if you are following God, no harm will come to you by doing what is
good… You will receive a blessing when you suffer for righteousness’ sake, that
is, when you obey God by obeying your husband and not returning evil for evil.
You will be happy, so don’t be afraid or troubled by the things you must
endure.”

Again, the Pearls have enough truth in this teaching to make it dangerous for a wife who is being seriously abused by her husband. Jesus does call us to (and is our example for) a life that includes suffering – both daily suffering in the sense of taking up our cross, and suffering that arises specifically from following Him. Sometimes (and again, Jesus is our example in this, as 1 Peter 2 points out) such suffering can be redemptive.

1 Peter 2 encourages slaves to serve God in submission to their masters (just or unjust), and to suffer in silence for doing good. This was a God-empowered response to someone in a position from which he or she had no escape – a free and grace-filled choice a slave could make from a position that involved little or no other freedom. However, this teaching has not prevented Christians from reading the rest of the Bible and being at the forefront (and rightly so, we believe) in ending slavery around the world, bringing South African apartheid to an end, and working to ensure equal rights for African Americans here. The Bible teaches a strong message both about God’s concern for the powerless and dispossessed, and about the imago dei – the image of God stamped on each person, male and female. We are called to treat all men and women with respect and reverence simply because they bear God’s image and are important to Him. We believe that we, as Christians, should speak and work against abuse and violence wherever it occurs. This includes abuse and violence within a marriage. CTBHHM does not do this.

The link is above, and it goes into different portions of the book as well!

Point 8: The writing often lacks grace and compassion towards those struggling, calling women names that should never be used to describe human beings made in God’s image.

One of the funniest examples to illustrate this point (p. 217-219) involves a letter a woman named Vicki wrote to Debi because she was “tired and discouraged”, frustrated that her husband wouldn’t fix the sink or the screen door. Debi opens her reply letter by asking Vicki to take the “Standard Dumb Cluck” test. The first question in this test is “Does natural healing not interest you?” Indeed, all of the questions in the “Standard Dumb Cluck Test” except the last have absolutely nothing to do with the original letter. Debi follows this test with, “Well, are you a dumb cluck?”, then writes an extremely harsh letter about how Vicki should get her lazy self off the couch, learn to use tools, and take some initiative. Not knowing the situation, we’re not disputing Debi’s advice, but are disturbed by the complete lack of courtesy and compassion in the letter, a style unfortunately carried over into many of Debi’s other letters. Debi is essentially presenting this woman (whom she knows nothing of except for a one-paragraph letter) to thousands of readers as a silly, lazy “dumb cluck” bum.

The verse just before Titus 2:4-5, which Debi spends so much time exploring, says this: “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.” To label another woman (all of the following are direct quotes from her book) a “cheap office wench”, “cheap office hussy”, “lazy, complaining wife,” “cranky, demanding leech”, “skinny swine”, “rebellious”, or “hillbilly ugly, which is worse than everyday ugly” in a book to be read by thousands, simply based on one letter or observation, comes dangerously close to slander. At the least, this approach does nothing to show the love of God or the respect we should all show to people made in His image (women included, we believe!).

This hard to believe that a Christian would resort to name calling in this fashion!

I feel sorry for Debi and Michael Pearl!

I was searching thru the Internet again looking for articles about abuse and faith. I came across an article that is rather old, but I found myself reeling as I read it. I guess I have now made the decision on occasion I feel the need to point out some of the maybe well intended but very dangerous advice of others. Does it mean that I am angry; they are not liked by me? Hardly! I want to show the ignorance of the issue, and maybe that will show people HOW the church or followers don't face this issue like it should!

The title above has a link to the article in question.

First quote:

The Scripture makes it very clear how God feels about divorce, He hates it. It is an Old Testament passage, but God has not changed his mind. He still hates divorce. It is not His will, it wasn't so from the beginning, and it is not so today. There have been occasions, both in Scripture and in our ministry, where a man was so vile that God has killed him. A woman can come to God asking Him to deliver her from a man if he will not repent, but a woman should be sure she has obeyed God in her relationship to her husband, before she asks such a thing.

I don’t think anyone doubts the hate God has for divorce. When you read that chapter in the bible that she is referring to it is a story of men that were horrible to their families. They would come to church, and offering prayers, offerings, etc to God and he rejected them. When the men asked why God did this God answered basically by saying: Do you seriously think I am a God that endorses your evil against your family? That I will just turn a blind eye to this as you come and praise me? Are you saying I am a God that ignores your behavior, or even endorses it so I can receive your offerings? I’m sure at the time the men were quite taken back by this! It seems it was a very acceptable thing to do in that day, and God was going against their way of life. God told them that their prayers would be rendered because of their behavior towards their families. There is a comma in the famous “GOD HATES DIVORCE” verse!

Mal 2:16 For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Yisra'el, "and him who covers his garment with violence!" says the LORD of Armies. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you don't deal treacherously.

I would think that God hates the violence these men had done towards their families! Do not deal treacherously! Sounds like he hates something else also doesn’t it? It’s strange to me that parties never truly tell the story behind that verse, or really even know there is a continuing thought following it with a comma!

For some reason I really have issue with this lady stating make sure you do what you should do as a Godly wife, and if he doesn’t turn around pray that God takes him from you! Why? If you went to the site above a letter was sent to her about concern she had of a friend of her’s that left an abusive situation out of desperation. It sounded to me that it was a VERY hard decision, and it took a lot for her to make it - even after numberous affairs (I notice the risk of STD wasn't covered either)! Like most relationships of this sort its getting ugly, and also because of the mindset of doubt these ladies have I’m sure she is wondering what is right! I can’t say that I blame her! She is placing more doubt in her mind about her decision, and then telling her if she is sure just pray that God takes him! I guess that would solve things huh? Somehow I doubt that would end the issues with this woman. I guess it would get the church off her back for leaving though!

What is strange to me is that this woman never mentioned separation, or that he should be held accountable for his actions! It was never mentioned that he needs help, and he also needs God’s love to be felt to his very core! The rage within this man that shows him to be broken is never addressed. Why were these things never addressed? I have no clue, but I would bet because this woman had already filed for separation/divorce.

Next Quote:

God has given us several promises concerning marriage to unbelievers. I Peter 3:1-6 tells us how to win our unbelieving husband, and in 1Cor. 7:14 God promises that our children will be holy if we stay with our unbelieving spouse and honor God in our relationship with him. That is a promise from God. These Scriptures give us the "how to" on our end and the expected results. I have seen God keep His word. I have also seen many who would expect God to keep His word when they did not obey their end of the "how to."
I am not taking her situation lightly. I know that although I am married to a righteous man, I have often wanted to demand my rights and set him straight. How much more difficult it must be for a young woman being subjected to the unreasonable demands of a lost, selfish man? But God is able, not only to save your man, but also to take you to a place of sweet loving kindness in the midst of turmoil. God is also able to save your children. There is no promise in Scripture to spare your children if you leave your lost husband.

I guess I take issue with the first part mostly because the author is assuming that the wife didn’t do her end otherwise he wouldn’t be like he is! She is basically shifting the responsibility for his behavior (and everyone's welfare) right back in her lap, and I’m sure her abuser would LOVE that! I’m NOT going to say what she is stating is impossible okay? I won’t even go near that! To tell a woman if you act like you should you are guaranteed the result you wish, while never addressing his behavior is a very simplistic answer to a very awful situation. I’m sure she believes this, and I admire her conviction but it also shows her lack of knowledge of what makes an abuser tick! You need to have knowledge of dynamics of the relationship, before you can tell her what behaviors would be beneficial to him. I believe if you call him lovingly on his behavior, and hold him accountable that is showing love for the husband. Does it always work that way? I can’t say that either. What I do see her message is, “maybe you didn’t show this man what a Godly wife is and that is why he is awful to you!” No responsibility again for him.

I do believe God can deliver us in many ways from turmoil in our lives, and yes he may not always release us from it. That doesn’t not automatically change the abusers mindset that is broken and full of rage. It doesn’t take away his hurt, and his anger that is so rooted within him that it will disappear by watching her good behavior.

As far as saving your children if you choose to leave…God does not guarantee your children are ‘saved’ as she puts just because you are. I believe she means sanctified. They are made holy by the fact one parent is a believer, and just because you leave doesn’t mean they aren’t sanctified anymore. I believe in that instance the sanctified position still holds. There is only one way I know of to get saved. Its irresponsible for this woman say the children's salvation is lost if she leaves her husband.

Next Quote:

God tells us here, if your husband is not obeying the word of God, then you can win him without trying to teach him the Word of God. God says that as a husband looks on and sees the way his wife responds to him, he will be won. He will hear and see her cheerful countenance. He will notice her willingness to help and forgive. He will see her giving up her rights and not taking offense when he knows he has wronged her. He will see she honors him, obeys him, treats him with respect, and serves him with a non-rebellious, non-resistant attitude. He will see her spirit is not raging outwardly in emotional fits or inwardly in silent brooding of hurt, but her spirit is quiet, restful, and peaceful. He will see she doesn't puff up and talk incessantly in criticism of him—or others. He trusts her. He knows she is not going to discuss him with her pastor or friend. He sees she is wise with what little money he gives her. She is a remarkable woman, not because she is classy in the way she dresses or looks, but in the way she controls her spirit. She rejoices for an opportunity to bless him, and he knows her heart is good. He tries her; he deliberately tempts her into hurt or anger; he judges her unfairly; he demands things of her that he knows embarrasses her, yet she is in subjection to him in all things. And in the end, she wins him by her chaste conversation. It is a promise from God to you. And God goes on to promise more to this obedient, believing lady.

It’s true that people can bring others to Christ with their behavior, and their way of life to make them wish to have a piece of that! I know alot of people wanting to know WHY these people have such inner peace, and their way of handling things does show what being a follower of God in the truth light can be like! Saying to a woman (or even a man) that you shouldn’t go to a pastor or a friend when you are in trouble is down right WRONG! You are to bring the truth into the light, and you don’t allow it to live in darkness. There are many passages of the light.

Luk 8:17 "Whatever is hidden away will be brought out into the open, and whatever is covered up will be found and brought to light.

Joh 12:46 I have come as a light into the world, that whoever believes in me may not remain in the darkness.

If he is hurting you and your children you don’t just smile and take it! If he is endangering the welfare of your children you don’t place your joyous spirit on as a tool to ignore!

Ephesians 6:4 says:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 says:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

You are never to submit to sin. Shame on her for telling someone to! No one is saying that you can’t bring a spouse to the Lord by your chaste conversation, and meek and mild behavior. God would never ask a wife to sin for her husband. She is to submit to him, but not to SIN! This man needs help in the case of an abusive relationship, and allowing him to continue in silence is sin. The wife (or husband) is not always the best choice to help them in this path to righteousness.

(Ecc 8:11 ASV) Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.

God says you encourage bad behavior by doing NOTHING!

Next Quote:

"And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy (I Cor. 7:13)." When children have a believing parent that is walking in honor to God and her spouse, it will causes the child to honor that believing parent. The child will find refuge, companionship, joy, and respect in that parent. It is a natural law. If your child is failing, then you need to look at yourself and say, "Am I continuing in faith and sobriety? Am I walking in peace and joy? Am I willing to forgive and forget? Am I feeling sorry for myself and playing the sad face, or am I rejoicing and believing God? Is the expression on my face and the words coming from my mouth a reflection of the joy of the Lord?"

Again I agree with some of what she is saying. What she fails to understand is in abusive family relationships children tend to cling to the parent of dominance because its safer to! They may love the non-abusive parent to pieces! They may even be their favorite! Living in such an environment doesn’t allow the child to feel safe enough to show any loyalties other than to the abusive parent. Why? If they don’t they could be targeted as well! They know this and it scares the pants off them! “Mommy doesn’t SPANK you she BEATS you!” as the example goes in the letter to Mrs. Pearl. If you know your parent is dangerous, and you place your child cap on for a moment…. you think you want to disagree? You think you want to place any doubt in that father’s mind that you do? Mrs. Pearl may mean very well by what she is saying, but she is ignorant of the place in which children are in this environment! Their misbehavior could be caused by the inner turmoil of not knowing what is safe! If you have one parent that is abusive, and you have another parent acting all PEACEFUL and JOYFUL to everything instead of validating their fears and concerns – who are the going to talk about it? What are they going to do with those feelings? You can't blame the mother for misbehavior, unless of course she takes you advice and doesn't do anything! It is her job to protect those children, and you telling her she is in SIN if she does!

Next Quote:

It is an impossible task, yet with God all things are possible. God is able, and with him you can do the impossible. You can wake up in the morning with a song in your heart, kissing your child and laughing at the sunlight sprinkling your room. You can serve, give, forgive, and enjoy the victory you have in Jesus. And when you feel that hurt, angry spirit rise up, you can open your mouth in praise and thanksgiving to God that you are free from sin and bondage, and free to be glad. In that kind of atmosphere, a child grows stable and complete, a selfish man stops fighting and trying to defeat and subdue.

When you live in an abusive home you are NOT free from bondage within that home. You going to around acting as if nothing is wrong is NOT going to make the angry man – that has been that way all of his life from past hurts he has – instantly stop being angry. We are talking about an illness here! We are talking about a ROOT OF RAGE within this person, and just like any other addiction you need to HELP to conquer it! LOL not a happy go lucky wife that is in denial of the terror within her four walls! There are times in life when we all let things slide, and we just don’t go there! God would wish to have a zero tolerance rule for abuse, and just going on praising God and not acknowledging the pain within your spouse and your children isn’t going to help anyone. I believe she is taking these verses all wrong. If they worked the way she says – I bet we would have a lot more successful situations within abusive relationships. Spouses are normally living in denial for a long time before the anger starts. This author is encouraging the spouse to say in denial and have faith it will just go away. I’m sorry but that is against scripture.

Jer 21:12 O house of David, thus saith Jehovah, Execute justice in the morning, and deliver him that is robbed out of the hand of the oppressor, lest my wrath go forth like fire, and burn so that none can quench it, because of the evil of your doings.

If you ignore wrong doing, and not help those in trouble you will have God's wrath to answer to.

Next Quote:

Dear Mama, whether your husband is lost or saved, God has given you the opportunity to set the atmosphere in your home that will bring joy, peace, thanksgiving, and love. He has given you the tools to become the most loved woman and mother on all the earth. He has given you the plan to right a thousand wrongs and prove to the world that with God all things are possible. He has provided you with the way to show the devil that God can take the weakest, silliest wreck of a woman; a woman that has given-over to become broken, both physically and emotionally, and turn her into a strong, confident, God fearing, honoring, joyful, yes, even thankful woman. One day you will wake up, turn your head to smile good morning to your husband, and see the tears of thanksgiving glistening in his eyes as he tells you one more time how much he loves you and how proud he is to have you as his wife. Then someday as the years pass you will hear your teenage sons and daughters speak of how wonderful their mama is, and you will think that life could never be any sweeter.

Yep Ladies its all up to us! (Sarcasm okay?) I’m sorry! I wonder how many women there are on this planet that lived in their world of denial around them, and allowed all kinds of evil to happen in their house and whistled their praises through out the day and woke up with the husband’s crying in thankfulness. I guess she doesn’t realize that abuse unless addressed gets worse with time. I guess that would be the fault of the woman again because she didn’t whistle the praises enough, or loud enough, or taught the children the same tune! Maybe she wasn’t thankful enough that her shell of denial was hard as rock, because those tears of, “I love you Baby! I’m so proud of YOU!” never came! Evil takes over if you allow it.

The children could grow up to resent not only the abusive parent that scared them to death as a child, but also the faithful one that refused to see that they needed help! They could have done something that could have stopped the abuse! They really didn’t have the best role models in Mrs. Pearl’s world of “Can’t we all be friends!” as bombs are being dropped around them! I’m sorry but this lady is encouraging people to allow evil to continue by never addressing it!

I saw this commercial from Australia on You Tube last week about kid’s modeling the parent’s behavior. The normal things like – if you smoke your kids may smoke. If you drink – your kids could grow up to drink! If you show your road rage – you kids could follow in your behavior! If you’re Daddy abuses your Mommy Mrs. Pearl they learn that also! That is part of the cycle of abuse! Unless someone STOPS the cycle of abuse it will continue for generations until someone decides to whistle a different tune that sounds like a siren of the police! The sound of help and support of fellow followers of Christ! Those wtih nerve enough and love enough to struggle along with you even when they don’t even have the answers. When they stop long enough to realize their simplistic views of scripture don’t always work when you are talking about walking time bombs of terror! It’s okay to say I don’t know! I bet with prayer, study, and the Holy Spirit will send you down the right path – that is what scripture says!

Next Quote:

As surely as this article goes out to the many thousands, a score of angry women will write me a letter containing personal examples, proving this could not work with their daughter's husband, or with their friend's husband. They will tell me the vile, ugly things the husbands do and of the broken sweet lady in distress, and I will agree. But I would remind you that in the verse that records the sowing and reaping we are warned not to be deceived. It is easy to be deceived by our feelings and what we see. When a person is deceived, they are convinced they are doing right. It seems right, it feels right, everyone says there is nothing else to do. Eve felt that way once. We, as with Eve, think that the will of God stands in the way of our freedom and peace. We believe that due to our unusual circumstances, we are an exception. "Be not deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man soweth that shall he also reap."

When I read this paragraph you know what hit me first? When she talks about how people are easily deceived by their feelings of what is right, and they are convinced they are right. When they KNOW they are doing right. Its seems right, feels right, and NO ONE is telling them to do differently! That also could be the abuser! That man or that woman that feels entitled to abuse! They have all kinds of good excuses and views as to WHY they are entitled to do that! They also reap what they sow. Its call consequences for the actions, and I believe Mrs. Pearl talks about that a lot in her article. Funny how she never addresses the abuser in that scenario! Just the party that wants abuse to stop!

There are reasons Mrs. Pearl that you are getting ALL kinds of letters due to your article! It seems you are the one that is deceived by her ignorance of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. The spouses or children within the relationship don’t cause it, and change can only start when the spouse decides they want it to change and is willing to do what it takes to make that happen! Does the other spouses behavior, etc play into that? Of course it could and should, but just like people’s decision to be saved – an abuser has to make a choice to change his life also! Its choice to be this way! Denial helps them stay in this position of pain, and you Mrs. Pearl are encouraging them to stay in a position of pain/denial by telling the wife’s to hush, ignore and pray it away! If by some miracle that was good enough – Praise the LORD! Then I would ask you to sit back and wonder how many years was lived in hurt when others could have helped this husband and wife along with their journey. You don't ignore abuse - you address it!

Next Quote:

This is a hard saying. For many reading this, it is simply an impossible dream. For some it is more like a nightmare. I am here to tell you, the Christian life is a miracle. If it is not a miracle against all odds, then it is not Christian; it is only a religious life. God has given you the "how to," and he has given you his Spirit to make it possible. He will give you the heart to want it to happen—if you ask him. He is a good God.

Yes Mrs. Pearl God is an awesome GOD! He does give you ‘how to’, and I’m afraid your interruption is a bit off the mark. I think it would do you good to research your material, and KNOW what you are dealing with before writing on it. Your suggestions could get spouses and their children killed. You see Mrs. Pearl in most cases of just “emotional or verbal” abuse it does move to that next mark that people like you may even think ‘unacceptable’. She could be beat up, and as that gets worse she could get killed. Her children could be caught in the crossfire, and they could be hurt or killed also. Don’t tell her that she didn’t pray hard enough, or that she wasn’t faithful enough to make sure that didn’t happen. That is what you are telling women all over this world with your article so far! I challenge you to educate yourself on this subject, and maybe volunteer your time in shelters for a number of months. It may open your eyes to the mindset of the people they are dealing with. Is divorce the answer? I’m not going to say it is or isn’t because people’s life’s are custom. Your way of dealing with this is irresponsible, and if take my challenge you may understand why people think that! You are ignoring both parties that are hurting, and is of need of fellowship, help, and accountability as the scripture calls for! Your “how to” to completely lacking of it.

Next Quote from her Husband:

If you or your children have been hit (other than the children being spanked) so as to leave discernable marks two hours later, and you genuinely fear that he will repeat his battering, you can take legal steps without divorcing your husband. In a moment when he is not angry, calmly inform him that the next time he physically assaults you or the kids, you are going to call the law and have him arrested. You must first resolve in your heart that you are willing to prosecute him and see him go to jail. I visit prisons every week. It is a great place to mull over the consequences of one’s deeds. And I have never met a prisoner that turned down a visit from anyone. Think about it, lady; it is a great time for writing love letters and sharing a three-minute romantic phone call once a week. Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully—for a while anyway.

I wonder if in all that time with your prison visiting if you ever did some real listening to these people. Why not ask these men at prison if their mother could apply what your wife is talking about if that would have turned their father’s around! Ask them which was worse their father’s beatings, or the remarks that removed their sense of personhood that helped them on that path they are leading now! You might be surprised when they tell you, WHICH was worse if they are capable of placing their pride and ego’s aside for a moment! Funny how they stay with their ladies for a WHILE anyway! That behavior didn’t keep them there huh? Could be that root of rage within them wasn’t dealt with, and they are going to keep going down that path of destruction until someone shows them a different one! Not by keeping secrets, not by ignoring their behavior and playing happy face either! Two people in denial of the issues aren’t going to fix anything. It will continue.

I find it hard to believe it would take 2 hours to check to see if there is bruise or mark. If you spank children they way you seem to be suggesting with minutes the redish would be disappearing! If the redish isn't starting to disappear within that time you have gone overboard already!

The wife should never be hit PERIOD! There is no 2 hour waiting period! Its illegal to hit your wife or others! If a man is prone to hit at times the man needs help, and he needs it NOW not later! I'm sure you wouldn't have the same reaction if another man hit your wife Mr. Pearl. Why would it be unacceptable for them and not you?

Next Quote:

If your abusing husband fully understands that you have the power of the law behind you, he will learn to keep his hands in his pockets. I am not suggesting you do this to be vindictive or to get even with him. It must be done in humility and love. If your husbands knows that you are the weaker vessel, desperately seeking your survival and that of the kids, and that you are not trying to punish him, but that you are going to stand by and continue to love him, that you are going to wait for him to get out of prison and then try to start over again, it may move his heart to fear if not to repentance. You say, he cannot help himself. Does he help himself when his peers—other men his own size—make him angry? Does he fly out of control and start hitting his boss or his employees? No? Then he has self-control when he must. The law can make it a must, which will allow you to continue with him and demonstrate your womanhood and win him to yourself and then to your God.

Do some research on violations of protection orders, and it’s not due to vindictive wives! Do some research as to WHY those protection orders are put in place! You also have no clue to the dynamics of abuse either! There are reasons they don’t show their behavior in certain places! They can get away with it in environments they can control – that they have power over. Do they have power in that same realm at work? What about with his boss? His employees? Hmmmm. Don’t think so either! Could be your first clue!

The violate the protection orders because of the sense of loss of control and power. Not in the normal fashion either - an entitled fashion. A warped entitlement mindset! Who is going to help them there? They need help sir! Have observed good behavior and Godly spirit with their wifes isn't always going to change that mindset! Asking wifes to be silence of these issues of abuse is going to make things worse, and not better! There are enough Christian examples out there to show you that! People that are ill need help, prayer and guidance. Not silence that you are trying to encourage!

Next Quote:

But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe. If there is any thought that they are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested.
I can’t believe you are actually suggesting someone doing something illegal! WOW! If they find that those children have been molested before, and she didn’t report it those children could be removed from her as well! They could also go after the wife with charges!

It seems to me both you and your wife think that women are the only ones that need to sacrifice their worlds for their spouse. Is that what the bible says? Not the only I have on my shelf! It seems that accountability only comes sometimes – and in the case of abuse never if it is not bad enough in your eyes. There is a role of the wife and mother I agree. Hiding her husband’s secrets and sins are NOT one of them! There is also a role of accountability for both partners, and your focus seems warped in one area only! Men are NOT that incapable to handle help from others! They are NOT that weak that they can't learn from other people besides their wifes!

Molestation is illegal, and if this wife ignores what has happened she also could find herself in alot of hot water within the legal realm. You deal with things the first time by seeking help from others, and you DO report it to save the wife and children from being possibly separated. That is called loving your wife and family enough not to hide behind your sins. If the child tells someone else, if someone else leaks this the police will come down HARD on both! What you are asking them to do is against the law.

I feel sorry for both of you! I will be praying for you both as well. You really need to see what the bible does say about people in bondage. Read James because it talks about the power and damage the tongue does. I dont remember reading how people should just ignore and pray it away.

Gal 6:1 My friends, if someone is caught in any kind of wrongdoing, those of you who are spiritual should set him right; but you must do it in a gentle way. And keep an eye on yourselves, so that you will not be tempted, too.

Not only is the wife but the church responsible to making this man see his sin.

Luk 12:2 Whatever is covered up will be uncovered, and every secret will be made known.
Luk 12:3 So then, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in broad daylight, and whatever you have whispered in private in a closed room will be shouted from the housetops.

Silence, secrecy and concealment are not God's way of dealing with problems. You state people will reap what they sow. I'm afraid of what you will be reaping in the future. I pray that you seek more knowledge on this subject, and find healthier ways that God asks for everyone involved. That includes the abusive husband.

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What this couple doesn't seem to understand - minus all those horror stories that they will be getting and will be ignoring is that abuse is like any other addiction. Its an angry addiction of the worse kind! Read up on what an addiction is Mr. and Mrs. Pearl. With all due respect you missed the mark on this one!

When you have a spouse with lets say a booze or drug addiction would you apply I Peter 3? Most would confront the spouse and find ways of them acknowledging the addiction. Abusers use the same tools as any other addictive nature: Blame, Deny and project it in some other area as the cause. If you play the Joyous and Happy natured spouse, and never address the issue you won't have to pray for God to take the vile person - they will kill themselves! Prayer, Fellowship, Acknowlegement and treatment just like any other addiction is needed for the abusive personality. I Peter 3 is a verse we believe in, and does not apply to addiction cures as the only thing you look to. We are talking an illiness and you offer no doctor for! You are asking the spouse to ignore the medicine that could make a better life for the spouse, and that is irresponsible!

You may be honored for your other writings, and I will be honest I haven't read much of it! This subject I would suggest you research and educate yourself about before writing like other respectable authors. You see Mr. and Mrs. Pearl if you approach an abuser in the way you state in your article - she will turn into a battered wife on top of it! Addictive personalities don't think right! That is why people struggle to live with them! Its not a matter of not loving this person enough! Its a matter of how can I help them! Playing the Happy Christian Homemaker while your spouse is wallowing in pain, denial and rage isn't the right path, and could make matters worse.

Stick to your homeschooling until you do your homework! The lawsuit due to your advice would be the least of your worries! Death could be on your plate as well.