I was flipping the channels on television last night, and I came upon a discussion about rape and modesty. I'm all for modesty, because the Lord calls for it AT the very least okay?
When you make excuses for rape due to lack of modesty? I have an issue there. The argument may make sense on how our culture sees things, but its also based in ignorance. Its one of those things in which the 'world' and the 'faith' circles tend to agree, and they shouldn't.
Rapist's to me look for the vulnerable.
Rapist's look for the opportunity.
Rapist look to see what circumstances are best to be able to get away with their crime with the least amount of personal risk.
They are like any other criminal in that sense.
Rape can happen to either gender, and that honestly should be clue one it has nothing to do with 'modesty'.
I mean how often do we ask little boys if they were dressing provocatively when they were attacked? If the dress is the key - it would be universal.
It has to do with a demented mindset, and nothing else.
You have a man or a women with a sick mindset, and they hunt for their victims. REMEMBER men aren't the only ones that attack sexually!
They search for the opportunity, and they seek the vulnerable typically. It's that way with most any other crime as well. If a criminal is going to rob a house? Are they going to pick the one with a huge dog, and security sign on the window? Or the one that is dark, and shows easy access?
When criminals break in a house, and rape and kill the people that lived there? Its very telling for our society that they can realize that happened due to the power structure at the time, and that the criminals were CRIMINALS!
Yet we make excuses for rape in other circumstances. How convenient is our intelligence when we have to face things up close and personal, and yet throw it away when the opportunity presents itself.
Chris Brown's reaction towards the beginning of the interview is pretty typical. In most cases abusers will NOT admit when things happened before, but when they get caught like he did? THAT was the first time! The relationship was pretty normal beforehand.
I realize people will RUSH to say the incidents that are mentioned were never proven. If it never happened would you react like he did? "I don't remember that happening." Most people will say, "THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"
The lawyer stated that the probation people took those incidents from different reports, and placed it in the present report. THAT doesn't mean it never happened! OH AND they never spoke to either of the parties about this.
Where did it come from then? Something was called to their attention, and if neither party told the probation department about it? What it fell out of the air? There seems to be a paper trail they don't want to talk about.
There doesn't have to be an arrest, etc for a paper trail to be there.
How? Think of a little old lady in your neighborhood calling the police because she thinks there is a stranger outside lurking! If something happens down the road that lady's report will surface. Paper trail!
That is why people mention to others to remember to call the police, and have them write things up even if nothing comes of it. That paper trail can come in handy later if it is needed to prove a pattern.
Remember with abusers? It never happened before! Its her word against MINE! No proof - no case! The paper trail would place that into question. You will see a pattern start to develop.
Police do place personal notes in there as well. The 'automatic' guilt isn't automatic, but at least you have a starting point. At times patterns of behavior are very useful if you need to point out a dangerous person.
Granted on this interview I can understand WHY he doesn't wish to go there, but people with any level of common sense? It should tell you things happened prior, and this incident didn't just FALL out of the sky.
I think I would remember taking out windshields wouldn't you?
At this point he has nothing to gain by admitting it. His reputation has already taken a HUGE hit, but it would follow the pattern of abuse wouldn't it?
WE HAD A HEALTHY, NORMAL RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THIS HAPPENED!
Notice how Chris spoke, his eye contact, body language, etc. I'm SURE the man is somewhat nervous, but he should be more comfortable than most in front of the cameras. He should be prepared for this interview. He should have had his script down pat beforehand! You can't tell me he didn't have a CLUE what would be asked!
As they say in sports? HE CHOKED!
He can't look people in the eyes. He can't speak. According to him they had this normal, healthy relationship. This one time? WELL out of the blue it just plain got out of control!
When abusers are in control they see the relationship as awesome! For them? Why would they see it any other way? When the POWER OVER aspect is present that is fuel, and they feed off it. It is normal to them, and to them also? A very GOOD relationship at that! I truly don't think they see the unhealthy aspect of it. They just can't own it, and why should they? Where is the incentive to? Being equal doesn't give them control. To them it makes them 'less than'. That can make a very unhealthy environment for both. If they can control it, and they get the fuel they feel they need? Why change it!
Don't get me wrong you can have GOOD aspects to these relationships. They are both so unhealthy they can't truly see the unhealthy parts.
MOM SAYS I'M OKAY!
Most of us realize that Chris Brown spoke of the domestic violence that happened in his childhood. His mother will admit these things happened as well.
The part she will NOT admit to? It had an impact on him. There is no way it could have NO impact at all.
Think of the story that is told about the two brothers. They had an abusive father, and were abused themselves. When they grew up one son was abusive towards his family, and other was the complete opposite of that. When they were asked WHY they treated their families as they did? What was their answer? They both answered the same. BECAUSE OF DAD!
Don't think if it was MOM that abused it would be any different! Abuse impacts children's lifes.
Chris Brown's mother claims her experiences, and what he dealt with in life didn't impact his life. It is NOT the case for her son. What happened was mind boggling to her. "He never fought in school?" First it was NO, but then it was SCUFFLES! Chris Brown then states it was NEVER against a female!
We see signs were there, and mom isn't helping here!
What did she say to him afterwards? I'm there for you, but when you are wrong I will let you know you are?
She said she will not judge her son, and will not judge anyone. That's all find and great, but she also isn't accepting the reality of things either. The lawyer admits some people never do, and then quickly diverts the conversation elsewhere.
The story got blown out of proportion, and falsehoods existed in those stories. We would show them HOW they were false and people would report them anyway. Breaking of the glass was vandalism not domestic violence! his lawyer commented in order to divert things ....
Larry King quickly stated, "But domestic violence DID happen!" "That's why he wanted to plead guilty right away, an apologize right away!" If you read the dynamics of the abuser? Its not as short, sweet and lovely as that!
I WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING!
Chris Brown states he wasn't going to go the easy way out like other celebrities, and take that slap on the wrist. He was willing to take the brunt of the punishment to show to the world HE won't allow himself to get away with anything.
He mentions that he had already spoken to Rhianna, and she accepted his apology. He wanted to show his fans he was sorry, and took responsibility.
NOT the ones that were MAD at him, but the ones that were behind him and would accept his apology.
What is wrong with that statement?
The fans that were outraged at being lied to don't count? The ones that felt betrayed aren't an issue? Is that truly stepping up?
I think we all realize that SOME will hold on to this like a death grip, but why take the easy way out and only apologize to ones that you KNOW will accept it? Why not attempt to go there with some of the others? You will NEVER get all of them that's reality, but why write them all off?
You could feel his contempt for them, and if he was sincere? That contempt wouldn't be there. That is a typical abusive trait. If you don't accept my apology than to heck with you!
When you look at the average couple that deals with this? The family members that have a hard time accepting their sorrow, etc are met with contempt from the abuser as well.
THEY are the ones that will help her break up their relationship.
THEY are the ones that are talking her into NOT forgiving ME!
THEY are the ENEMIES!
If a couple gets back together again? The abuser will isolate her away from them as well. THEY are a threat to the abuser! If the victim wishes to contact them? She is wrong and doesn't love and accept him the way she should. She will pay for that contact. Where is that sincerity now?
I'm NOT talking about people that LOVE to hate!
I'm talking about the people that question his sincerity. The ones that can see the lack of sincerity by his actions.
Chris Brown isn't truly willing to STEP up and take his lumps! Its easier for the him to cast them off, and not win their trust back.
In the case of an average abuser? If he can keep her away from them (support system) it makes it easier for him to keep control of her.
That resistance is a threat, and he DOES care about the threat he sees in them. He isn't willing to prove them wrong he wants them OUT of the picture, because he shouldn't have to. He said he was sorry, and did his speech...deal with it!
She knows what he is capable of, and isn't always capable of going against his will. He claims he has changed, but refuses to humble himself to others over what has happened. Is that truly change or another form of a snow job?
It never happened before?! RIGHHHHHHHHHT!
If Chris Brown was sincere in what he said he will care about the "FANS" that left, and he will come to his senses and STOP hating on THEM! If he can win them over with his sincere nature, and accept those that can't accept him due to the circumstances? Hmmmm. We might be looking at the start of a change. This 'my way or the highway' junk shows the opposite of that. Sorry Chris! NOT buying it!
Reshma James had taken out a restraining order against her estranged husband, Avigliano said.
"She found out he wasn't all he was cut out to be," Avigliano said. "He was abusive toward her, and she left him and came out here."
The couple were married just over a year ago in India and moved to Sacramento in January.
Reshma's aunt, Maria Joseph, of Hartford, Conn., said she warned her niece, who was studying to become a nurse, not to marry him. Other relatives told her the man had a history of "behavioral problems," Joseph said.
“I do not know whether the possessiveness was born of genuine love or an irrational suspicion about her. He did not like her meeting people and preferred her to be indoors all the time,” said James Kochuparampil, Reshma’s maternal uncle.
The couple had together arrived in Kerala three months ago, apparently to try and save the marriage which was falling apart because Pallipurath, 27, allegedly tortured his 24-year-old wife. But Reshma’s relatives here said they never guessed the marriage was on the rocks.
By then, however, the family had already received tidbits of information about Pallipurath’s wayward behaviour, for instance that “he was on drugs”. Still, they let Reshma go back to the US because she had relatives in America she could turn to for help anytime.
The couple, however, separated after returning to the US, the husband going to his home in Sacramento, California, and the wife taking refuge with her aunt Silvy Perincheril, 47, in New Jersey. Perincheril, a nurse, was by Reshma’s side in the church and was shot and critically injured by Pallipurath.
Reshma had graduated in nursing from Chennai and was completing formalities for enrolment as a registered nurse in the US. She had to start working soon to ensure a decent life for her family back home.
Someone had sent a list to me that I wanted to share about situations like this. Domestic violence was must certainly an huge issue within their relatonship. There is alot of talk about what a Misogynist is, and I had found a list I wanted to share with everyone. I found it on VNN Editorial
Characteristics Of A Misogynist
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BY MAHANIDHI DASA
EDITORIAL, Dec 4 (VNN) — The Twenty-six Characteristics of a Misogynist (one who hates women) presented by Mahanidhi dasa
1. He thinks that his masculinity depends on dominating women. 2. He feels powerful by subjugating women. 3. His emotional security depends on women being controlled. 4. He wants to insure that women are less powerful than he. 5. He controls women by destroying their self-confidence. 6. He is unnecessarily critical of women. 7. He intimidates women by finding faults with them. 8. He humiliates women in public and devalues their opinions. 9. He sees encounters with or about women as a battle to be won. 10. He must always win in a discussion with or about women. 11. He blames women for failings that are not related to them. 12. He blames women for his own failings and shortcomings. 13. He accuses women of being too sensitive if they get upset with him. 14. He will confuse issues by changing the subject. 15. He will confuse issues by denial or word jugglery. 16. He will confuse issues by acting as if nothing happened after it did. 17. He belittles or ignores women s accomplishments. 18. He denies her feelings and makes her wrong for feeling them. 19. He is condescending, taunting, jeering, or angry toward her. 20. He is hostile, aggressive, contemptuous, or cruel to her. 21. He makes derogatory comments about women in general. 22. He wants to punish women when they displease him. 23. He has no remorse or guilt for the pain he causes women. 24. He is in anxiety about women and meditates on them. 25. He forces women not to do things that they re qualified to do. 26. He selectively quotes authorities to substantiate his position.
Misogyny is a mental disorder that requires therapy. If someone you know has some or all of the above symptoms, humbly request that person to find qualified treatment for their condition.
Chicago Public Radio had a article about a church there that is working with violent men.
On the second-floor of St. Pius V, a Catholic church in Chicago’s Pilsen neighborhood, 22 men are winding down their weekly meeting. Facilitator Carlos López reminds the men about a verse from the New Testament book Ephesians: “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” And López turns to a stocky young man who’s attending for the first time.
The man says last year he and his wife had a fight in which she provoked him and he blacked out. He quickly fast-forwards to sleepless nights this year when he suspected she was having an affair. But some other men in the circle ask him to rewind to that blackout. The young man eventually admits he was choking his wife. López calls that disclosure a step toward taking responsibility for the abuse.
LOPEZ: He was able to break denial. And that happened because of the group process.
The men’s group is part of St. Pius’s domestic-violence program. A social worker named Dolores Tapia manages the program. She says the church at first keeps victims and batterers in separate group sessions.
The men’s group is part of St. Pius’s domestic-violence program. A social worker named Dolores Tapia manages the program. She says the church at first keeps victims and batterers in separate group sessions.
TAPIA: Y cada seis meses evaluamos con las mujeres. Cómo estás con tu pareja? Nosotros vemos que hay cambios. Estás lista para venir a otro grupo acá, que es el grupo de matrimonios.
And every six months, Tapia says, we evaluate with the women. If a woman agrees her partner has made changes, the St. Pius program will invite him to begin meeting with her in a group for married couples. If all goes well, Tapia says, a husband and wife can renew their wedding vows.
TAPIA: Ellos reafirmen sus votos de amor, respeto y fidelidad.
Tapia says that ceremony reaffirms their love, respect and fidelity. But the St. Pius process alarms some other domestic-violence professionals. Ida Anger directs programs on Chicago’s Southwest Side for Metropolitan Family Services.
ANGER: It’s the ‘Beauty and the Beast’ syndrome—that you can reform the beast by being the best wife, the best partner, that you can be.
Anger says the renewal of vows might convince the woman she has fewer options.
ANGER: Once she’s stood in front of the community and said, ‘This is my marriage and we’re making this work,’ and then if he gets abusive again, it might be more embarrassing for her and more humiliating for her to come out and say, ‘This isn’t working. He’s hurting me again.’
Anger says trying to reunify couples would disqualify St. Pius from winning Illinois approval as a batterer-intervention program. But Anger also admits that programs that meet state approval are far less successful than she’d like. Some men drop out of their program. Of those that finish, according to a 2005 study, 15 percent end up back in police hands after another domestic-battery arrest. Experts say some other graduates go back to their abusive ways but never get caught.
Perhaps no one knows more about Latino recidivism than Luis Ortiz. He helped found this state-approved program for batterers in west suburban Cicero. He convenes a dozen Spanish-speaking offenders for a weekly session in a cramped storefront as part of their court sentence. Most of the men are months into the half-year program. But when the 12 take turns telling their stories, just one accepts full responsibility for his violence.
ORTIZ: ‘My wife this’ and ‘My girlfriend did that’ and ‘My daughter this.’ So I think it was still they would not be here if it wasn’t for their other half, creating the circumstances for their demise.
Many domestic-violence scholars say the criminal-justice system alone is rarely enough to get a guy to end the abuse. For that to happen, they say it takes a great deal of social encouragement.
That’s the idea back at St. Pius, the Pilsen parish. Its approach borrows from the late Brazilian education theorist Paulo Freire. He argued that people learn the most when they’re becoming aware of what oppresses them and responding with action. In that vein, the St. Pius sessions often touch on this country’s exploitation of immigrants. The church also departs from what Georgia State University psychologist Julia Perilla calls a tenet of the early women’s movement.
PERILLA: The whole idea was, ‘If we can only get the woman to leave the person, she’ll be safe, and the children will be better off, and she will definitely become a self-sufficient person that doesn’t have to put up with this.’
But Perilla says several Latino domestic-violence programs around the country are putting the victim’s priorities first.
PERILLA: Many of them, they still love those guys. Most men—the guys that have been very violent—they have very good qualities as well. They’re good providers, they’re responsible family members, they absolutely adore their kids and, at the same time, they’re violent.
Culturally specific programs are fine with Larry Bennett, a University of Illinois at Chicago expert on batterer intervention. But he has doubts about the St. Pius effort and others that include religious content.
BENNETT: If you scratch the surface, what you’re going to find is a reinforcement of male domination, the whole man-must-protect-his-family mentality. That’s what you get a lot of with religious programs. And that’s why I’m very leery of them.
The verse about marital love goes over well in the St. Pius men’s group. But they could get a different lesson from a verse just a few lines before: “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.”
LOPEZ: Our goal is to bring the message that a good relationship is an equal one.
Carlos López, the facilitator, insists spirituality helps St. Pius against domestic abuse. But beyond anecdotes, no one has studied whether the program succeeds—whether it helps the men discard their violent behavior or leaves the women in harm’s way.
To me if these men know that renewing the vows are the end goal - are they pressuring these women? I mean is what they want anyway!
Sounds good on the face, but the unsurface makes me nervous!
This video below is about 43 minutes, and it shows the breakdown of the legal system in the family court. Along with personnel it shows the stories of 2 ladies and 1 gentlemen, and how the system isn't working for the rights of the children. How they want to bring about chance, instead of lining the pockets of lawyers, mediators, therapists and the rest.
2008 Family Law Documentary
www.CenterForJudicialExcellence.org As part of our ongoing effort to educate and engage the community, the Center for Judicial Excellence recently produced a 42-minute documentary addressing the serious systemic breakdown of our family courts.
Family Court Crisis: Our Children At Risk features personal testimony from individuals who have experienced the pitfalls of our family law system and expert evaluations of what has gone wrong. The video was screened on the East Coast as part of the fifth annual Battered Mothers Custody Conference on January 12, 2008. www.BatteredMothersCustodyConference.orgAdvocacy
We are taking our efforts to Sacramento! CJE is introducing the idea of a Judicial Performance Evaluation (JPE) program for California to our State legislators. JPE programs already exist in 19 other states and are generally popular among judges and voters alike where they have been established.
Stop the Abuse had an article recently on a device that could call the police in a moments notice if this is something that you need!
The poster has an offer at the end if you would like to check into the system for you and your family.
I've recently learned that there's a national company ( Phillips Lifeline -- 1-800-543-3546) that specializes in home alert systems. The systems are used primarily by people in frail health and who live alone, to call for medical help.
But what about calling for law enforcement help? It can be used for that also. I'm informed that many people in remote areas use it.
The equipment is basically a dialer that's installed on your phone. When you push the button (around your neck or in your pocket), the 24-hour trained professionals come on your speaker phone and ask what you need.
You only need to say, "Call the cops!" and they'll be on their way.
I have spoken with this company and they've sent me coupons to save up to $80.00 with free activation of the system.
Contact me through the 'email me' link at the upper left of this blog, and I'll send you one.
I'm sure we have all seen the commercials for this type of item for seniors that live alone, and it helps as an extra safety measure if they do need help.
Controlling a partner is a trait of domestic violence, and they may do this by monitoring the email. Shalking is a form of domestic abuse, and wiretapping just shows how ugly and extreme it can get! I do believe that this article's content by vary state by state, so please check that out for your own personal situtation!
Austin police have charged two recently with activity. By Tony Plohetski at tplohetski@statesman.com
AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Shawn Macleod wanted to know where his estranged wife was going on the Internet and what she was writing in e-mails, investigators said, so he secretly installed a program called SpyRecon on her computer that sent him electronic logs with the sites she had visited and messages she had sent.
His spying resulted in a four-year prison sentence.
Software programs created to monitor computer activity have grown in popularity in recent years as parents have sought ways to prevent children from accessing adult Web sites or e-mailing possible predators and as businesses have tried to curtail the time employees spend on the Internet when they are at work.
Others, too, have found a use for the software: Scorned lovers can track where their spouses or partners go online, whom they are e-mailing and what they are saying — all possibly in violation of the law.
Austin police considered Macleod's actions tantamount to illegal wiretapping and charged him with unlawful interception of electronic communication, a second-degree felony that can carry a 20-year sentence. Macleod pleaded guilty in May.
"It's pretty alarming," said Macleod's attorney, Johnny Urrutia.
Urrutia said he would be surprised if his client knew that what he was doing was against the law.
Doug Fowler, president of SpectorSoft Corp., which manufactures an Internet monitoring program called eBlaster, said law enforcement agencies nationwide have in recent months sought company records during criminal investigations, hoping the documents would show who installed the software on victims' computers.
In New York this year, a sheriff's deputy was found guilty of eavesdropping after investigators said he spied on the computer activity of a neighbor he thought posed a threat to young girls in their neighborhood.
The deputy was sentenced to five years of probation.
In California, a man was indicted on federal charges in 2005, accused of manufacturing, advertising and sending a program called Lovespy.
In that case, victims received an electronic greeting card that, when opened, would record e-mail messages and the Web sites they visited.
Austin police in recent months have charged two men, including Macleod, with the crime. The second case, filed last month, is pending.
Detective Darin Webster, who works in the department's high-tech crime division, said investigators also have looked into several other cases that didn't result in charges because the evidence had been destroyed or they couldn't conclusively determine who had installed the spyware.
"The problem itself isn't the software," Webster said. "The problem is how the software is being used. ... And in the cases I've seen, there are warnings on there that it may be against the law. In Texas, it is."
State law says it is illegal to intentionally intercept spoken or electronic communication.
The law grants some exceptions, such as to switchboard operators who might hear part of a conversation while doing their job.
The law doesn't address certain questions about computer spyware, such as whether it is legal to install the equipment on a jointly owned computer without the consent of the second owner.
'Emotional Abuse and Your Faith's author note: This is quite common to do as well, and is a form of domestic violence and SHOULD be!'
Employers typically have workers sign waivers acknowledging that they know the company computers are monitored.
Parents, as guardians of their minor children, are allowed to monitor their children's activities.
According to court records, Macleod's estranged wife, Kristy, reported to police in August 2005 that she suspected he was monitoring her computer use.
A detective using a fake name sent Kristy Macleod an e-mail offering to buy the couple's pool table.
A few days later, Shawn Macleod confronted Kristy Macleod about the e-mail, according to a probable cause affidavit.
Detectives searched the computer and found SpyRecon software on it, according to the affidavit.
Kristy Macleod could not be reached for comment. Company officials for SpyRecon did not respond to an interview request.
In an online advertisement, the company asks, "Have you ever needed to secretly read the e-mail of your child or spouse?"
Emotional abuse and Your Faith's author comment - SHAME on them! This opens the door for abuse of many types!
In the second case Austin police filed, investigators said Alexis Lugo, 29, installed eBlaster software on his ex-girlfriend's computer.
An affidavit in that case said Kara Winebright called Austin police and reported that she thought Lugo had hacked into her computer and changed the password on some of her accounts.
Winebright said she had broken up with Lugo and later had discovered some unusual activity on her account with eHarmony, a dating Web site. She checked her other online accounts and found similar problems.
Police searched her computer and found the eBlaster software.
Ordinary anti-spy software might not detect such programs, but checking to see which programs and files have been downloaded to hard drives should reveal them, said Fowler, the manufacturer of eBlaster.
Fowler said his company intended for the software to be used only by parents or businesses, not by spying spouses or partners. The company marketed the product that way several years ago but stopped, he said.
"We ultimately decided that it wasn't a market we wanted to participate in," Fowler said. "There are certainly those who buy the software for this kind of thing. But we don't encourage it."
Emotional Abuse and Your Faith's quick note! The link was removed to this article, because it no longer exists. I wanted to keep the article regarding the shalking in this manner present here. It is a form of domestic violence or domestic abuse. I did leave the author's email at the top if you wish to contact them!
Sanctuary for the Abused has hit a mark of 300,000 hits on her blog! I personally wanted to congratulate her for such an awesome milestone!
Barbara covers just about every aspect of abuse you can think of, and finds resources that have helped many over the years. She is good person - herself - as well. We have emailed each other over the years, and I have always been highly impressed with her!
I started to notice her posts first on a verbal abuse board that came across when I first started my journey. She would post resources for us all, and the information she found was incredible! She has been giving to others for a long time, and she did this as she was suffering herself in the most awful ways from her own abuser.
If you are looking for resources on abuse, and extra aspects like porn, Narcissism, child abuse, personality disorders and much MUCH more please check out her blog! She won't disappoint you!
One nice thing is that you know this information is coming from someone with a big heart, knowledge and character! She is doing this to help others, and give them the information they need to do what needs to be done in their own life's. Always respecting the differences of every one's path!
Check her out, and give her a plug! She certainly deserves!
Tracy Thurman's Story of domestic violence and abuse at the hands of her husband. The fact that law enforcement basically ignored her pleads until he almost killed her. She ended up suing, and won her case! One of the many stories that changed the lifes of domestic abuse victims, and those that are dealing martial abuse in their lifes.
I remember seeing this film a while ago. What is chilling is how short a time ago the world took domestic violence within families seriously. Ahem. I guess I could say was FORCED to take it seriously.
This happened in the 1980's, and that wasn't so long ago. We have come far from that time, but look at the toll. SURE Tracy Thurman in this film may have NOT been a faith follower, but to be perfectly honest I don't think it would have mattered. I have often wondered how long it will be until the church is placed in this situation before they take the issue a bit more seriously. Everyone knows its wrong, but how they deal with it....is wrong as well. I would bet in the future if the church goes thru what this town did (after they got sued) things might be different for those that come to them for help. Everyone - unless they are completely blind - knows that this issue is serious. Emotional and verbal abuse is not taken as seriously, and yet it is shown that it could be taken into this realm very quickly. Sick people with a need for control - you just never know how far they will take it. If the church can't wake in the real sense in what they feel is the 'real' abuse victims what will do they for the rest of us?
Here is Part one, and you can follow the links for the rest of the movie!
I found an interesting article recently about a study that was done about couples starting even before they married, and then followed up with them a number of times within the years of the relationship.
If first spoke about Escalation, and how disagreements are handled.
You may be thinking, "we don't fight like cats and dogs." And while that may be true, your marriage may still have this risk factor. Damaging escalation is not always dramatic. Voices do not have to be raised for couples to get into a cycle of returning negative for negative. Conflict over paying the rent, taking out the garbage, running errands that result in muttering to oneself, rolling your eyes, or throwing up your hands can also be examples of escalation.
Couples who escalate arguments must control their emotions and control their tongues. James writes, "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless" (James 1:26). Couples who want a strong marriage must learn to counteract the tendency to escalate as a couple. The key to a strong and stable marriage is learning to control your emotions and learning how to keep a rein on your tongue.
I think alot of people downplay the power of the tongue, and also the mention of the body languange that the author speaks of. Its often returned with, 'what did you do to make that this happen?" Scripture doesn't push this idea, but humans often do. We tend to focus to much on this, and not enough on how neither party should be doing this.....and if they do it needs to be addressed. The returned statement of, "We only have heard one side" is another excuse NOT to deal!
Its so strange to me when you see a wife or husband coming to the church with concerns about escalation, and them standing back in shock and not truly knowing WHAT to do....and the responses they get! Maybe they didn't feel honored or loved enough because something you did in the past! Maybe it was the WAY you said it! Did you request this in the right tone? Its as if people can't grasp that people can just DO THIS without motive and intent! There must have been SOMETHING you did to push the buttons!
On the one hand you have them dealing with someone that can't fight fair (for lack of a better word), and you have the church questioning what you may have DONE to allow this to happen!
Invalidation is another factor.
Jesus taught that attacks on the character of another person are sinful and harmful. "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (Matt. 5:22). Calling a person worthless or empty-headed (which is what the Aramaic term raca means) is not what a Christian should do.
Invalidation can also be much more subtle. It may involve an argument where contempt for the other partner is not so obvious. One partner may merely be putting the other partner down for his or her feelings. The message conveyed is that your feelings do not matter. A husband may put his wife down because she is more emotional or because she is more easily hurt by comments. A husband may invalidate a wife's fears about the children's safety. A wife may invalidate a husband's desire to succeed in the company, saying that it really doesn't matter if he becomes district manager. Ultimately the partner receiving these comments begins to share less and less so that the intimate level of sharing evaporates. When this happens, oneness is lost.
Alot of advice that people are given when victims of this type of behavior also invalidates their feelings. GIVE IT TO THE LORD, and don't worry about them! You need to concentrate on you, because you can't change the person. All kinds of things are said to NOT face the fact that their actions, deeds and words are sinful. Mininizing people's experiences, and basically telling them to "get over it" in a nutshell.
They are invalidated from both arenas - from the home and the church. People refuse to grasp why that sends people reeling! If it causes a rift within the relationship, and the support system also refusing to acknowledge it...and when we know that is damaging....I mean WOW!
Negative Interpretations
Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. "Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something." Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.
Paul warned against attempting to judge the thoughts and motives of others (1 Cor. 4:5). And Jesus asked, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Luke 6:41). Negative interpretations are hard to detect and counteract. Research shows that in distressed marriages there is a tendency for partners to discount the positive things they see, attributing them to causes such as chance rather than to positive characteristics of the partner. That is why negative interpretations do not change easily
I think almost anyone can be guilty of this at one time or another, but its when do this as a habit is when you get yourself into trouble.
Most people are asked to STOP doing whatever it is that bothers their partner so much so they don't HAVE these negative thoughts - doesn't matter if it is unrealistic or even irrational! Do what you can to counteract this, and maybe dont' go out with your friends if you partner gets jeolous! Normally, abusers that have unrealistic views and also use this concept to keep the partner down. The church tells them to do without, and again never really addresses the core. Partner tells them do this as a control tactic.
Supporters can be enablers in other words. Enablers of bad behavior.
Withdrawal and Avoidance
Escalation, invalidation, and negative interpretations are three of the four negative risk factors identified by researchers at the University of Denver. The last of these has two descriptors: withdrawal and avoidance. These are two different manifestations of the problem wherein a partner is unwilling to get in or stay in a discussion that is too threatening.
"Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as 'turning off' or 'shutting down' during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an argument, look away, or agree quickly to a partner's suggestion just to end the conversation, with no real intention of following through."{4}
"Avoidance reflects the same reluctance to get into certain discussions, with more emphasis on the attempt to not let the conversation happen in the first place. A person prone to avoidance would prefer that the topic not come up and, if it does, may manifest the signs of withdrawal just described."{5}
In the article the author used an example of a man that withdraws from a conflict with his wife, because basically she is unsafe to continue with.
This is true for everyone in life - whether it be a boss, coworker, friend, family member, child or spouse.
I have seen signs of this in dicussion with others, and they were basically told WHY don't you just go to them, and TELL them how you feel! WHen they do and are raged upon, and then they are then asked if they requested this in a proper manner. The deal is most people that act like this are doing it for a purpose! They want the person to HUSH, and can find ways of making this happen very well. Sadly, on the other hand tell the partner they have communications issues because they never talk to them. LOL When the partner says that the supporters say - SEE THEY ARE TRYING! don't be so demanding!
The conclusion:
Each of these four risk factors (escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance) can build barriers in a marriage leading ultimately to loneliness and isolation. The research shows that couples that want a good marriage need to eliminate these risk factors from their marriage, or else the negative factors will overwhelm the positive aspects of the marriage. It is never too late to put your marriage back on track.
I think we can all agree that would awesome! The problem is that most people don't want to address any of these factors in any real way. They pussyfoot around them with "What ifs" from the party that is hurting. The strange part I find is YES I do agree with alot of what the article states, but when hurting parties come to their church for help........the church basically does this again to them - I also see them doing the characteristics of this article. Tell them they might fight wrong, make to make conclusions, must have a communication issue, and YES please mininize the damage from their words! TAKE IT TO THE LORD, and allow him to handle things!
Now if we can find ways of addressing things that are proven in the research then maybe we can make some headway in healing marriages. That would mean people need to take their heads of the sand, and be direct like Jesus was. NOT continue to find ways of blaming the person that is asking for help. Nothing wrong with looking towards yourself, and being more Christlike okay? When you place MOST of the load on the hurting party....well that is where the trouble gets started once again.
Its a good read and I recommend you read it in its entire form! The link is at the top of the article!
I have learned to never trust anyone because I will be hurt. My stepdad hurt me. My mom blamed me. My dad abandoned me. I've had abusive relationships and friends who have used me. The friends I have now I keep at an arms length but I want to learn how to trust and be close to someone. Where do I start?
Rev. Mears on People Helping People Ministries has an article called "Church Speak" or What Language does your church speak!
I really think he did a good job of showing how some churches use certain terms to basically get you to BEND to their way, and encourage you to keep your mouth shut!
The question he asked was a very good one!
If you have noticed “church-speak” being used within your faith community to convey their message, what has the impact been on you and others around you?
I wanted to take a couple of his examples in his article that I personally could relate to. I draw from not only my personal experiences, but those I hear from on regular basis...or even just ONCE!
Angry: What a person is deemed to be when they tell the truth about something that has happened. Because you are "angry" and have a "bitter spirit" your legitimate concerns and issues can be written off and ignored. After all, "you are the one with the problem", not the actual offender, especially if the offender is a pastor or elder.
How often have victims of abuse been in this place? They encourage you to come with your burdens, but you had better DARN well say them in a fashion they feel is proper!
I have come along some pretty wicked articles aimed towards abused people, and in their attempt to reach out they may have said something out of frustation. The response is more of, "What you think you are an angel or something?" They also never address the concerns they came with. They are more concerned with HOW they have been approached.
A Family matter: When the church leadership doesn't want the embarrassment of public disclosure in the community at large regarding a scandal in the church, that scandal becomes a "family matter" and is not to be discussed with people outside of the church or group. That the community at large has a vital and legitimate interest in the matter is ignored, even when the matter involves wrong-doing such as criminal sexual conduct, child or wife abuse, a suspicious death and so on. In such cases the primary reason for something to be "a family matter" is so the leadership or church can "save face".
LOL or not deal with it! Denial, Diversion, etc! This one always blows me away! I just don't understand it. I mean the bible states we are to bring things into the light, and for all kinds of sinful reasons they feel it shouldn't see the 'light of day'
A Jezebel Spirit: (1) A term used specifically to describe a woman who is "unteachable". (2) Also used to describe a woman in the congregation or group who has the audacity to seek to publicly expose the unwanted and unasked for sexual harassment she received from the pastor or other prominent male church member. Such harassment usually fits the definition of a criminal sexual offense as defined by statute law, and exposure would result in negative publicity in the community at large.
Oh yeah! Major BLECK!
Teachable: You are "teachable" when you passively accept what you are taught without questioning the exegesis or logic.
We don't want to take sides: This phrase is used to avoid making any decision at all which would deal with the abuse which was taking place in the situation.
If you read the entire article I sure some of what this author writes will strike a cord with you.
For me it seems that others use these things to take the burdens off themselves, and place them on others. It like what Jesus describes when he speaks in Matthew:
Matthew 23:1-13 GW Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples, (2) "The scribes and the Pharisees teach with Moses' authority. (3) So be careful to do everything they tell you. But don't follow their example, because they don't practice what they preach. (4) They make loads that are hard to carry and lay them on the shoulders of the people. However, they are not willing to lift a finger to move them. (5) "They do everything to attract people's attention. They make their headbands large and the tassels on their shawls long. (6) They love the place of honor at dinners and the front seats in synagogues. (7) They love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have people call them Rabbi. (8) But don't make others call you Rabbi, because you have only one teacher, and you are all followers. (9) And don't call anyone on earth your father, because you have only one Father, and he is in heaven. (10) Don't make others call you a leader, because you have only one leader, the Messiah. (11) The person who is greatest among you will be your servant. (12) Whoever honors himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be honored. (13) "How horrible it will be for you, scribes and Pharisees! You hypocrites! You lock people out of the kingdom of heaven. You don't enter it yourselves, and you don't permit others to enter when they try.
Now only to churches come across as scribes and Pharisees, but they missed the point of servant leadership that Jesus speaks about. In today's world I have to wonder if that is why most don't seek to be become part of the body of Christ seen in churches. At times they can sure mention alot of awesome scripture, and when comes down to it........they can't call sin a sin, and goodness knows you had better not question them GENTLY or otherwise!
I see that is the biggest debit of the church at times, and they wonder why most don't follow them. I don't see the gentle rebuke most of the time do you? I see others coming down HARD on people, and try to tell you it is out of LOVE! I sure see alot of judgement, stereotypes, and lack of compassion in alot of areas. The church is so gifted in some areas, but others they fail miserably.
If effects people in all walks of life, but sadly it effects the church as whole to me. They aren't being the effective ministers to lead those to the truth, because maybe they are confused as to what it is themselves!
In the Christian community, one in every four women experiences family violence. As the awareness and incidence of domestic violence increase, however, pastors find themselves ill-equipped to deal with the crisis. There is very little training, if any, provided in seminary on this subject. The challenge for every pastor and counselor is to go beyond a casual awareness of the problem to the harsh reality of this epidemic, to move past apathy to conviction, and to turn empathy into compelling action.
Some of the reviews of the book so far include:
“Here is a book that exposes the well hidden secret of abuse within the home – yes, even the Christian home! As a pastor I have long ago concluded that those of us in leadership must create an atmosphere where victims can safely tell their story and get the help they need. My prayer is that this book will be widely read and be used to give mothers and children the courage to go for help rather than suffer the long term consequences of abuse. And those who read this book will be ready to provide a helpful response when the need arises.” —Dr. Erwin W. Lutzer, Senior Pastor, The Moody Church, Chicago, IL
"I have known Brenda Branson and Paula Silva for many years. They have a track record that is unexcelled when it comes to understanding the issue of domestic abuse. I always have found their work to be impeccable and their insights to be intelligent. Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis is no exception. I highly recommend it to pastors, women's ministry directors, Sunday School teachers and any layperson who cares about the families around them who, often behind closed doors, are imploding with abuse. Someday, we all will give an account for what we have done in this life, so may we be educated and responsible in our response to the victims of abuse and their abusers." —Jan Silvious, author, Foolproofing Your Life
Looks like an awesome book! Click on link above, and order it today!
I saw this on TV, and finally someone posted it on youtube.
This man shows clearly what emotional and verbal abuse is about. He also decides to use physical abuse as well.
What's telling about this case is that even tho there is a video tape over an hour long - husband made his child tape it for 'training purposes' to show the family WHY she deserves this......its a misdeanor! In court could be sent to jail for max. a year, but out without 9 months. The fact that her boss paid attention, and kept a calendar as to when she was hurt, the video tape, and 2 out of 3 children stepped up in court to testify against him.....and also other things I'm sure he was sentenced to 30 years. They asked him to plea out so the children didn't have to take the stand, and he refused to do that. He got the longest sentence on record without killing someone for domestic abuse. Most never see jailtime of substance at all because it is very hard to convict!
I posted this on a panel of abused women and men. They come from all walks of life, and from all over the world. They are both people of our faith, others faiths, or no faith following at all. There comments are something I wish to share because people need to know WHY I scream so loudly on this issue! WHY the church should listen, and not push it away!
My heart broke for that poor woman! And her children, who were also being abused by that maniac! I never stop asking myself how anyone could be so evil and I don't believe I'll ever have an answer to that question.
THAT was hard to watch....what a horrible man....my heart goes out to that woman.....SOOOOO interesting to see how it evolved....first, he was overbearing, like her dad, then he was controlling, did not want people around, weirdly jealous.....sound familiar to anynone? Then, he became progressively more and more controlling, until it finally became physical....and the saddest part....he would have killed her, I am sure...if she had stayed. Those poor children, I hope her sons will learn, somehow, to truly love a woman, and the daughter will one day be able to believe what she was seeing....
Even worse, the judge said it was an "unusual situtation",.....for those of you that were or are physically abused, I bet it seems pretty run of the mill.....
Dear God, please help these women get away from these men, and please allow the children that grow up watching this to somehow not repeat history....
My friend was murdered by her stbx husband, whom she had left, gotten a PPO against, and was divorcing. He came to the apartment where she was staying with her son from a previous marriage and her little boy from their marriage. Her older child let him in the house and he went to her bedroom, where her little one lay next to her in bed, and killed her with an ax as she lay sleeping next to her little boy. She was a brilliant, beautiful woman- ivy league educated, quick-witted and insightful, a Sunday school teacher, a woman who had had one of those 5-star careers and quit to teach in an inner city school system. She had a smile that lit up a room, and the warmest, funniest, most open manner about her. She had had two VA/EA marriages and the last one ended in her death. And I never knew. She didn't know I was in a EA/VA relationship at the same time that she was.
I truly believe that VA & EA are meant to destroy as much as violence is, but the perpetrators hold themselves in check only because they fear the consequences of being caught.
Tear the curtains back. Exposure is the only way. Shows like this are so important.
When they showed the film of when she said she "I think I can care about what my children do." And the way he took the word "think" and twisted it into something it wasn't was SO very familar to me. My husband has been doing this to me for so long...and the sick part? HE accuses me of parsing my words, changing my stories, lying and manipulating. It is EVERYTHING he does.
It's no wonder women don't go to the police. Look how hard it is to prove verbal/emotional abuse! Even physical abuse! Bumps and bruises aren't enough!
This reaches decent people anywhere in the world on a visceral level. It instills silent, healthy anger that prompts action sooner or later, in some form. I don't think it's possible to legislate penalties for verbal and emotional abuse, but it is possible to legislate funding for education, awareness, police response if physical violence is threatened and for couneling and the treatment of victims. Awareness, fostered by media exposure such as this, is obviously crucial to bring the issue of VA,EA,PA into the sphere of political action.
The fact that the abusive "star" of this television segment was given a sentence that exceeds some murder sentences is telling. Decent people don't like this sht.
One lady mentioned that her family wanted her to force the issue in court when the divorce started, and her lawyers advised against it. Told her to go for the no fault divorce, because the chances are next to nothing she would get justice.
Most of the attys I spoke with advised me to do as you are planning. Just get the divorce. The chances of him "paying for the abuse," at least through the legal system, are next to none. It's not worth wasting what it would cost in legal fees.
In a perverse way, this woman is lucky because 1. the abuse was obvious and overtly disgusting (and you didn't have to know the context to recognize it) and 2. as humiliating as he meant the recording to be, it's documented.
What do you bet the guy still gets liberal visitation with his children?
One thing I am disappointed in -- I wish they had not focused so much on the physical abuse. I know that is what makes people the most emotional but the most DAMAGING abuse was the 45 minutes of "you THINK you are interested in your children..." and then "you THINK you love your children..." that precede the beating. THAT is something that she could have done nothing about in court!
That is also the part that most feel isn't that big of a deal either. Systematic control is normally how it starts - and grows worse as the years pass.
I would like to see others pay the same or a similar penalty. The impact of what these abusive people do goes way beyond the primary target.
What really hit home for me was the word twisting part. You *think* you care about what your kids do? You *think* you love your kids.
Is so much easier to see live and in person than read articles that try to describe it, when you see the twist, hear the voice.......it's all too familiar.
With my son's dad...he tried to strangle me after a soccer game when my son was about 7 years old...right in front of my son. I tried to get the TRO for myself AND my son. They said they can't for my son because he was not violent with my son! Again...ANGER runs through every part of me because of the lack of common sense on part of the court...the law...whatever. So? What? My son has to get beaten to a pulp before I can do anythign about it! Needless to say, I wasn't happy about it.
Abuse is NOT about physical violence. It's all about CONTROL.
I can't say that enough.
The physical abuse is awful...just awful. The verbal/emotional is bad enough....but I know how it felt when my husband would yell, scream, talk over me, never let me say more than maybe a half a word without interrupting, call me stupid over and over...and tell me I'm an idiot...but when he would come toward me and get in my face...that was adding to it...it made me more afraid (mind you he's never HIT me ON PURPOSE), and when he'd grab me...and put me on the floor or where ever...while screaming and yelling over my crying and begging him to please stop to listen to me...pinning me down...then proceding to get in my face and YELL at me...THAT scared me...BUT...he never hit me!! NEVER hit me. He would chase me around the house sometimes...and I actually had to HIDE in the closet back in the little corner tucked behind the walk in closet...after going through all that, I can't imagine the horrid feeling of not only being verbally/emotionally abused...but the getting slammed in the face...getting beat up? All of that would be just too much. That may have been just all it took to drive me over the edge...
The poor woman said it exactly right in the beginning, she was saying how she was just trying trying trying so hard to please her husband, make him love her, be deserving of love, and be the perfect wife/mother. But nothing she could do would please that jerk off. So many of us try that with our EA's.. oh man..
