I watched the Larry King interview with Chris Brown last night, and you could see the swell of denial that still is present. You can also see the typical response that alot of people see, and I hope that within time during their counseling times he/they become more enlightened than they seem to be now.
There are HUGE differences between how he/she had to deal with things compared to most of us, but I saw alot of similar items as well.
I skipped the first portion, because it was more of an introduction. If you would like to see it just click HERE
Part Two of my Series Chris Brown Abuse NEVER happened before! goes into other parts of the interview.
Part Three Chris Brown - We are FRIENDS now
Part Four Chris Brown I'm NOT a monster!
First off I don't have an issue with him NOT wishing to go into details that night. I don't think it is his place, but is Rhianna's place if she wishes to go there. I understand a reporter HAS to ask, but I was glad he didn't choose to go into what happened between them. If I were guessing it was more his lawyer's input not to, because abusers do like to get that portion out. It doesn't matter at this point anyway.
HE IS AN UNUSUAL ABUSER?
When the lawyer starts talking in the beginning about HOW its unusual for people that committed domestic violence to actually admit they beat someone up?
That's not odd to me.
Abusers will at first admit things at the time.
YES of course there are those that deny it, but we aren't talking about them presently.
We need to keep in mind there are different types, but to me his reaction isn't all that uncommon.
Hidden Hurt as a good section on the mindset of the abuser, but don't be like I was at the beginning and think ALL traits listed must be present. None of them are healthy, and if you think about it? They can all cause problems that can spiral out of control. Don't be like me to try to talk myself OUT of it by being to black and white! I was SO bad about that then! LOL!
What normally happens in those cases that abusers WISH to admit they abused? They want to reach out and apologize, and SURE they do show remorse at THAT time.
They want to talk to you, they want to apologize, and they want to tell you it will never EVER happen again.
If the victim isn't ready for that? It doesn't matter they MUST talk to them!
Chris Brown's lawyer among others told him he couldn't. You don't have that normally. If you listen to him? He tells you how badly he wanted that!
What I have seen happen to many times is when the apology is accepted to quickly the abuser will start on the BUT's to his apology.
BUT "You did push me"
or in this case BUT "You did throw the keys at me" or something like that.
To me it is part of getting the abusive dynamic back to where they are comfortable. I admitted my part now you admit yours.
It's not unusual for abusive people to do this to get the heat off them. They feel they have done their job (admitting and apology), and now you need to admit how you made them do it.
Taking 100% responsibility of the fact that violence should have never happened?
That portion disappears quickly, because the abuser got the victim to admit their ACTION was part of their RESPONSE.
That helps them gain control over the relationship again. Something that you do not want, and for the abuser's prospective not a healthy type BUT control.
They can't get any type of growth or healing until the day they can own up to the fact - you don't go there at all. The 'two to tango' plays right into their hands!
I realize within the church people do wish to look at this portion, but you have to realize its to early in the game for the abuser to allow this.
Its a tool in the abusers arsenal, and you don't hand it to them on a silver platter. You want them to see violence is never the way, and handing them excuses? They will give you lip service to agree...but you are also handing them an excuse NOT TO! They are going to play you as well! COUNT ON IT! Its part of their game!
Their motive is cool things off, and in their mindset? They are forced to abuse, and you don't want to enable that portion of the cycle.
DEAL with other parts of the dynamic later (victim's mindset/portion), and not within the abuser's presence. They are looking for excuses at this point!
They need to feel the brunt of their actions, and showing him HOW the other party did things to make them rage? You are handing them an excuse not to own the violence part.
I realize that sounds strange, but if you look over the whole scene you will understand what I'm driving at.
Lets take a drug dealer for an silly example!
They get arrested for dealing, and use the excuse WELL if people didn't buy I wouldn't SELL!
To them the buyers are responsible, and if they were NOT addicted he wouldn't have got arrested.
We all know that buyers (addicted people) need help as well, but you don't hand the dealer that as an excuse.
We have two different dynamics going on here, and we as a society tend to hand the abuser the dealers excuse for him to own. We are enabling him. We don't see how he is playing us.
Chris Brown's behavior is pretty typical, and follows the pattern.
If I were guessing due to the media breathing down his neck, and hounding him to see if any communication was made with Rhianna, etc the pressure for him NOT to contact was overwhelming. In their case? It was slowed down, but not stopped.
You have loads of people that had money riding on him.
He is a business transaction to them. We don't see that type of pressure with the average abuser.
Most people within that type of situation do not have the media spotlight on them to see what happens once communication starts once again. He has his career at stake and loads of money (both his and promoters of him), and he was going to follow the instructions of that HERD of people - just as she did.
Abusers/Victims don't normally have that type of pressure. Big difference - abusers have this urge that must be fulfilled!
Most of the time? Abusers don't have people that will stop them - or slow them down!
Does that make him 'unusual'? I hardly think so.
Abusers are going to push that communication card, and they don't even respect the fact that victims may wish NOT TO. When I watch abusers its like they are going to come OUT of their skin if they can't communicate.
When things are out of their control? That is the most UNCOMFORTABLE time for them. They MUST contact so they can 'talk to them'. (withdraw)
If you truly listen to them? They aren't genuine, and have motive behind that communication.
The fact they don't wish to respect the 'space' that she needs? That should send up red flags, but doesn't alot of the time.
The fact people need to encourage her NOT to contact as well? They do at first, but after time the support systems start to crack under the pressure as well!
THE DYNAMIC OF THE COUPLE
I had the feeling - as I'm sure others did at the beginning - that she wanted to contact him, and hear him out. This was hinted at during this interview as well. To me the dynamics between the people are not what others seem to see.
You have two people with a very unhealthy dynamic between them, and some almost go into (for lack of a better word) withdraw if they don't communicate.
Its an addiction in some ways. You don't get to see that part due to the police intervention at this point, and the fact the media is breathing down their necks. WELL not full blown anyway.
We do know later than phones calls, etc where made.
The best thing to happen is both parties go into no contact so they can fully absorb what has happened.
Normally, that doesn't happen at all. They are like the other persons drug. He needs his fix and she does also.
He needs the dynamic to go back to where he is comfortable, and she is hurt and confused...and wants him to show her it will be better. He will be better - he still loves her - they can fix this!
The love is toxic at this point, and neither can see its not healthy for them. The pressure of the situation? Their supporters don't enjoy the pressure cooker either, and at times rush to the communication portion so 'its over'. They played into the abusers dance, but most people don't even realize it.
What if this happened to an average couple?
She would be hurt, scared, and she would go someplace to lick her wounds.
After he comes down OFF his rage reality would slap him, and he will want to go to her and make it better.
His relationship could be a risk, and that honeymoon phase would start. The full blown honeymoon part didn't get to happen right away due to the spotlight here, and the legal team involved.
That's to say nothing of their image, career, etc. People are kidding themselves if they don't think those two wished to do that dance together FULLTIME.
In some situations you have victims that DON'T wish this contact, and want to be left alone.
The abusers anxiety level will push and push and PUSH her into engaging. If they can't get into her world he will send in the troops to do that for him. He will email, text, and call in order to break her down and have want he needs.
She is like a fix to him, and he will do anything - say anything to get that fix fulfilled.
To most people they can understand why she doesn't wish to contact him. If she sticks to the no contact rule that is when things get nasty.
The control level is threatened, and things can get downright dangerous. This is when I see alot of support systems tend to start to crumble under that pressure.
"Can you talk to him, and maybe you can calm him down!"
"Maybe if you just speak to him he will go away!"
The victim is used to being pressured, and she will fold. The problem is? That dangerous cycle starts up all over again once contact is ended once again.
That's why at first you STAY no contact, until people get stronger. You can't avoid this from happening, and she will realize how 'strong' her support system really is at this point.
Most of the time people don't understand, and use logic instead of education. That's where people get into trouble.
Abusers have extreme highs and lows. They can go from prince charming to your worse nightmare within a short period of time. The support system again starts to crumble, and blame can show its ugly face at that point.
WHY did you EVER get involved with this man in the first place!
What happened between the two of you that made him so full of rage?
If the supportive system helps with the 'no contact' mode they are sure to see the nasty side of him.
That is when she will start to fold, and want to make him feel better.
You will see her feeling responsible for his feelings, and you will see clearly her broken side in this.
Abusers will show the prince charming for a while to sweet talk everyone, but support systems will also feel like they might have stepped on a landmine if they don't cooperate.
Support systems on both sides are essential, and they both need to realize WHAT they are dealing with. Don't kid yourself into thinking it will be easy either.
I see this time as when most of the support systems get scared, and if their only vision is reconciliation and not healing? They are afraid he will leave and never return once he gets nasty.
Divorce at this point comes into their minds, and they want to rush to process since the situation has come unstable. They don't see they aren't helping either side of this relationship.
The relationship has always been unstable!
The victim is once again set adrift by herself. People don't start to feel the real danger until this happens, and they want to get the heck of dodge.
That true desire to help? The cost they feel is to high.
At times if she is strong enough to go against the crumbling support system - if she has one at all? Domestic violence shelters come into the picture, because no one else wants to take this on!
WHY WAS HE VIOLENT?
If you watch Chris Brown stumble over his words its clear he doesn't know. He says they were not taught the proper ways within a relationship, etc.
His lawyer goes into NOT learning of impulse control and the rest.
Why do they ask for anger management then? We are talking something WAY past anger management! You see that alot in churches - anger management. That is one portion of a huge picture.
Anger management to me its like giving medicine to someone with depression, and ignoring the core issues WHY the depression is there to begin with!
When you take the edge off only? You don't deal with the core, and you deal with the surface stuff only. Could be way some of these programs don't cut it.
ATTITUDE of the abusers I would guess is a huge chuck as well! They are forced to go into a program they don't think they want or need. They go though the motions and are released. Really effective huh?
Chris Brown doesn't remember, and gets WOWed when he sees the damage he did. That is NOT him, and mom states pretty much that she agrees with that.
Sorry. You don't just wake up one day and snap like that! He doesn't remember should trigger some to action, but if you read around? Its a joke, and people don't take that to serious.
Some people feel he is full of it, or saving his behind! People don't think of the implications if that is true. Its like he blacked out while drunk. Personally? It makes sense to me in some ways. I don't know if it is mentally blocked out due to can't deal with it or what. Do I think they can't recall all of it? I don't buy that part either.
Another portion of that is he doesn't want to remember or deal with his actions.
Its easier on his anxiety level to not go there at all.
He needs to! You will notice that abusers tend NOT to go there 100%. They do know their actions are unacceptable, but they also have spent a lifetime honing their skills to get you off the subject as well.
Its part of their dance, and sadly most people fall into that hole with them.
THEY GO TO COURT WITHOUT COOPERATION OF VICTIM
I think again this is where the support system comes into place. He is either playing prince charming or the raging monster...and your support system is crumbling before you eyes.
Victims get scared and will return and drop the charges. The abusers get their fix back only to abuse yet another day. Laws changed due to this dynamic that the police and justice system saw, but others tend to ignore.
Chris Brown and Rhianna have it a bit different than most. Am I saying chances are she didn't hear alot of ignorant comments from her 'supporters'? No.
Its also clear Chris's mother likes to think this happened out of no where as well.
They do have the extra pressure of their fame, their reputations and the supporters reputations, etc that helped keep them stay apart in alot of ways.
I have to wonder if either truly got the help they are going to need to break this cycle in their lifes.
The forced separation doesn't stop inner dynamics within the person.
If she doesn't get help to learn that she is a person of worth? If she can't own that she shouldn't be treated like this?
It will happen again within her lifetime. If not in an intimidate relationship? It will be within a career, friendship, family member, etc.
You see this is learned behavior within her! It didn't just 'appear' one day either.
SHOULD HE SPEAK ABOUT HIS ACTIONS?
At this point in his life? He is not capable of it. If he truly heals himself? He could be a huge asset for people to understand domestic violence.
Why does he do that? Why does she stay?
Both those different dynamics could be answered if he takes those healing steps, and allows himself to be upfront and honest. He could be a huge stepping stone towards people understanding. People will realize we need to approach abusive relationships differently.
YES it would help if she did the same! You see that portion in stories you read, but you don't hear to many abusers TALKING IT UP do you?
I think abusive situations are not dealt with because of denial. Its not just denial on the parts of the victims or abusers. Its denial with supportive systems, lawyers, parents, clergy as well.
What would happen if he could openly show you how he manipulated the situation to fit his own needs?
That is part of the cycle that most don't like to see. I think its pride most of all. No one likes to admit they were snowed.
They have to remember this person took a lifetime to learn those skills, and make them effortless. They had alot of practice, and at this point? They are a PRO!
We all have had people that took advantage of us, and at times its hard to admit.
We need to learn to admit it if we are going to learn HOW to stop the cycle from continuing.
Good support systems help in so many ways. They must be educated, and allow themselves to realize they got snowed as well.
I would bet most people that met Chris Brown felt he was a very nice and sweet man. I'm sure he can be, but they have a very hard time wrapping their minds around that evil portion.
Its an ego slap to them. Its okay to admit it, because that is what they do. If people can't see that far? We will not be a good support system.
You need to take that feeling and multiply by 1000 to realize how broken the victim is in order to help. If you were snowed and hurt - imagine how much more damaged and hurt the victims must feel.
These types of actions don't just fall out of the sky one day. This dynamic has been going on for some time on BOTH sides!
Are we going to own the fact we got snowed as well, or allow our egos to keep us in denial?
Everyone has a long hard road ahead! What a HUGE statement it would be to the world if those dynamics were reversed.
We need to realize this happens in all types of abusive relationships. I don't care if its male, female or purple people eaters! If we can't open our eyes, ears and hearts? Don't expect the dynamic to disappear.
Life just doesn't work that way.
It takes work, encouragement, support along with other things.
People have a hard time with that. They don't realize they are also part of the cycle of abuse. Their ignorance enables it to continue whether they admit it or not.
Part Two Chris Brown Abuse NEVER happened before!
Part Three Chris Brown - We are FRIENDS now
Part Four Chris Brown I'm NOT a monster!
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