Muslim women speak out about domestic violence

The Buffalo news has a story about some Muslim Women in the Buffalo area that are SPEAKING OUT against what had happened to Aasiya Zubair Hassan, and about martial abuse within the Muslim home as well.

We hear alot about the silence in the Muslim community over this awful tragedy, but there have been those that are speaking out!

They also want to give people a glimpse of what the lives of Muslim women in Western New York are like. Because those lives, they admit, often seem to outsiders to be shrouded in mystery.

It’s easy for people to see the garb they wear, the women said, and make assumptions about female repression in Muslim- American culture, especially where career opportunities and marital relationships are concerned.

“It bothers me that the headscarf is such a barrier,” said Ahmed, 38.

The three women said they do see one great good arising from the horrific death of Aasiya Hassan: a new openness about domestic violence, both within and outside of Muslim relationships.

“So much good,” said Ahmed, speaking with conviction, “is going to come from her tragedy.”

If you go to the link above there is also a video that you can watch in which these women are interviewed!

They said they want to commemorate her death each February with outreach and educational initiatives centering on domestic violence.

And, they are working to strengthen a fledgling domestic violence group that has existed at their mosque in Amherst for three years, called RAHAMA, or Resources and Help Against Marital Abuse. Rahama is also an Arabic word which means “mercy.”

The group, which meets at the mosque’s community center, will attempt to educate Muslim women about domestic violence, and provide them with links to services and shelters available in Western New York.

I think that is awesome idea! The story describes the three women, and notes their careers. They call come from different backgrounds and experiences. Some of them knew Aasiya Hassan.

The women acknowledged that girls in Muslim communities are raised differently from boys, and lead different lives as wives and mothers. But, in their view, that doesn’t mean those lives are less valued.

“Women and men have certain roles, and they are complementary roles, but they are not the same,” said Arman, 44.

The women said they reap great benefits by being, in 2009, both regular American women and people of Islamic faith and tradition.

“Being a Muslim woman in America is the best scenario,” said Ahmed. “The best.”

The women from Masjid Noor, the mosque on Heim Road in Amherst, said they knew Aasiya Hassan at arm’s length, which is the way she seemed to relate to many people.

Experts on domestic violence said that’s a classic signal of a woman in trouble: a victim keeps others at bay, does not socialize, and lives a life of increasing isolation.

“That was a common pattern,” said Laura Grube at Child & Family Services Haven House, of Aasiya’s case.

At the mosque, Aasiya Hassan was quiet and did not draw attention to herself, though she was the wife of a TV executive well known in the community.

But they did notice a few troubling signs. How despondent Aasiya often seemed. The way she hung back from socializing with the “sisters” at the bright, bustling mosque: women who like to chat, laugh, and compare notes about their families and jobs.

“She had the typical signs of domestic violence,” said Ahmed. “And I never assumed. I never thought. We never approached her –never reached out to her. We felt really bad about that. Really guilty.”

I think this is NOT unusal behavior for anyone. Most people aren't going to assume things, and do ignore the signs of domestic violence.

No ‘honor’ here

As for a so-called “honor killing,” the women disagreed strongly with the label –a hot-button phrase – that has been applied to Aasiya’s slaying. Most prominently, the president of the state’s NOW office, Marcia Pappas, recently called the incident an “honor killing” and refused to retract her statement in the face of opposition from local domestic violence groups.

Tabbaa said the tradition of “honor killing” in the Middle East has to do with fathers and brothers taking action when a woman in their families became pregnant out of wedlock.

Tabbaa said she was explaining the traditional concept of the phrase –not justifying or defending it –so that there would be better understanding of what it means in the Western world, in the wake of Aasiya’s death.

It has nothing to do with a husband- wife relationship, she said.

“That is not for the husband. The husband is not allowed to kill. The husband has a way out: divorce,” said Tabbaa. “Honor killing is about the dignity of the family.”

These women, as well as many domestic violence experts in Western New York, see Aasiya’s killing as an act of domestic violence, pure and simple.

“Honor killing was not the killing of Aasiya Zubair,” Tabbaa said. “It had nothing to do with religion. It was ... an evil, controlling man. What a sick man.”

I'm not a Muslim, but in college I did alot of different studies of different faiths. In my Christian college we had a number of courses covering different aspects of faith. I actually enjoyed it personally.

I do agree that I don't view this as an honor killing. I had a person disagree with me over the fact the man beheaded her, but I don't think that aspect makes it a proper defination. From what I have studied the aspect of 'honor killing' has more roots within the middle east and their culture. I don't get the impression that is a faith aspect, but more of a cultural one. You have a number of people moving to the West, and they are attempting to bring that part of the culture with them. From what I read there are a number of cultural aspects they are attempting to bring, and in some ways being accepted and others flat out rejected.

Me & the Mosque - Women in Islam is a documentary I found on youtube. These women are speaking about some of the aspects that have begun to change due to culture, and NOT faith being introduced. Another film that I found interesting was Jihad: Struggling with Islam . 'Jihad: Struggling with Islam' chronicles the struggle of one woman to reconcile her Self with the faith she was born into. A faith she has felt no real connection with until September 11, 2001. As the tragedy of that day unfolded, Hina Khan repeatedly thought "Please don't let it be a Muslim, please don't let it be a Muslim". That event led to a rude awakening which forced her to come to terms with what it means to be a Muslim and if this was a religion she wanted to be a part of.

The Toronto-born 34 year-old broadcaster documents her journey as she meets a variety of Muslims from open and inclusive progressives to fundamentalists who celebrated the events of 9/11. This powerful, personal, first-person film was filmed in Toronto, Canada and London, England.

I think this aspect isn't looked into as much as it should be, and I think when it isn't it raises the ignorance and fear of this faith. We have all heard the awful stories of how they treat women and children within the middle east, but if you take a closer look at alot of the muslims in different parts of the world...they don't all agree with that culture of oppression.

I'm glad these muslim women came out to speak about domestic violence within this faith. I hope they have other mosques as well that do the same. Oppression of women in any faith when it comes to domestic violence should be talked about and STOPPED at all costs!

Tackling domestic abuse in Syria

Stop Honor Killings had an article I just found:

Throughout her 25 years of marriage, Olfat, was regularly beaten and humiliated by her husband. Yet she never complained to anyone for fear of tarnishing her family’s reputation.

“I suffered a great deal of psychological and physical violence,” said Olfat, now a 49-year-old mother of four. Her husband was always accusing her of having relationships with other men as an excuse to hit her.

Following in the steps of other victims of domestic abuse, Olfat decided to put an end to her ordeal. She recently separated from her husband, after her children had all married and left home.

Although it was a taboo subject for a long time, violence against women is now being denounced in the Syrian media and other public forums as a reprehensible form of behaviour.

In the past few years, the Syrian government has held several conferences designed to raise awareness about domestic violence. However, the current public outcry against the abuse of women is mainly the result of efforts by civil groups

Over the last year, local associations have been running a number of projects to help women speak out about the aggression to which they are subjected.

This new assertive stance against domestic violence is helped by the fact that social attitudes are changing.

“The fact that more women are educated, go to work and are financially independent empowers them to reject violence when it is inflicted on them,” said Rouba Hamoud, a Syrian lawyer and women’s rights advocate.

A study conducted in 2006 by the Women’s Union, an umbrella organisation, indicated that one in four Syrian women suffered abuse of some kind, whether physical, verbal, psychological or legal. Other field studies suggest that only one out of every 250 cases of domestic violence is ever reported.

One successful initiative, launched by a group of Christian nuns in November 2007, is a free hotline which women can call if they suffer violence at the hands of their husbands, fathers or brothers.

The Trust Hotline, so far the only one of its kind, provides victims with practical advice on how to stand up to abusers, and informs them about their legal rights. As well as psychological and legal counseling, women may be offered a temporary refuge in extreme cases.

The service is run by the Sisters of the Good Shepherd and funded by donations to the Catholic Church in Syria. When it started, the hotline received 20 phone calls a month; the average number has now reached 230.

“Our aim is to empower a woman to find the inner strength to help herself,” said Rahada Abdoush, one of six volunteers working on the hotline.

Abdoush said the women who call up are generally anxious at first, so the volunteers try to reassure them that all calls remain totally anonymous.

“At the end of each call, we tell the victim she can call us back any time and we’ll do our best to assist her,” she said.

Abdoush sometimes refers victims to a psychologist or a social services adviser, and can even put them in touch with a lawyer who will handle divorce cases pro bono.

The Good Shepherd nuns also provide a shelter for abused women who have no family they feel they can turn to. At the five-room refuge in Damascus, the women receive psychological help and financial support until they become capable of facing life again. They can also learn a handicraft like knitting to help make them more independent.

Hotline staff appear on Syrian television talk shows regularly to draw attention to their work. In the past year, several articles have been published in the press describing the assistance that abused women can get.

Domestic violence has become a widely-discussed issue in the Arab world, and satellite TV channels carried repeated slots designed to raise awareness of the issue last month, to mark the international day dedicated to combating violence against women.

In Syria, analysts say there is some way to go before the silence that still surrounds domestic violence is broken. They say that stronger government policies are needed, not just initiatives by non-government groups.

“Domestic violence is seen as a private matter in our society,” said Nihad Tuhmaz, a professor of sociology at the Baath University in Homs. “The idea of a hotline is new to our society, which doesn’t usually take new things on board easily.”

Tuhmaz said that most of the women who dared to use the hotline and talk about their problems are educated, and in any case many others, especially in rural areas, do not have access to this kind of help.

Umm Ammar, who is from a village near Homs, is still grieving for her daughter, who died recently after her husband hit her with a shovel. Her daughter remained in a coma in a hospital in Tartus for ten days before dying..

“She used to come to us in tears every time her husband beat her up badly,” said Um Ammar. “Once, her skin was badly bruised because her husband had tied her up with a thick rope.”

The husband is now is custody.

The lack of laws that specifically address domestic violence remains an obstacle to change. Local human rights advocates have worked on designing a draft law to address this issue and lobby for the protection of abused women. The Syrian government has still not made any steps to endorse the law.

There is also growing pressure to change laws under which those convicted of so-called “honour crimes” against female family members they accuse of immorality get more lenient sentences than the standard penalties for criminal assault.

(Syria News Briefing, a weekly news analysis service, draws on information and opinion from a network of IWPR-trained Syrian journalists based in the country.)

I realize this is a muslim country in alot of ways, but I have to wonder if soon some muslim organizations may start popping since a Catholic organization has NOW broken the ice so to speak.

It wasn't to long ago that that other countries that claim to be Christian ones just started hotlines themselves. They have a long way to go, and I realize cultural aspects also will play a part in this growth. It wasn't to long ago that the USA felt this was a family matter as well. HECK I remember that attitude when I was growing up, and NO I'm not retirement age yet! LOL! Okay we didn't turn a blind eye to honor killings, but I grew up in the south and we turned a blind eye to other things. We have bruised image as well!

I pray for this organizations funding and manpower, and their eduation reaches the hearts and souls that hear it! I'm Christian but I would lie if I didn't say my heart didn't break for those in different parts of the world, and of different faiths that don't have what I have available now. Even unperfect and far from what is needed - still more than those in fear of honor killings, and their husbands feeling entitled to kill.

I will admit I love the study of other faiths, and that is why I don't always focus on my the one that I feel inside. I studied them in college - a Christian college - and it just intrigued me. It still does! I feel that if education and awareness was able to placed in other parts of the world - their faith organizations and overall soceity may begin to view women in a different manner. We don't have kitchen 'accidents' that are overlooked as often in other parts of the world. We don't have honor killings that are encouraged. To think that all those women covered head to toe with a black garment as you see on the television can be harmed if so much as their ankle shows. They can be punished if someone rapes them. I don't believe that all muslims believe in such things, but in certain areas of the world I do believe education and awareness would help so many families.

I pray for them as I do others, because I feel Jesus would wish me to do that. Tackling domestic abuse in Syria? OH yes - and in all areas of the world as well! I will continue until the sufferings stops!

Victims aren't innocent - they like the drama!

I have been reading a thread on bibleforums.com about an author that had written a book about domestic violence. Her writing touched me very much, and I guess I should have realized that in time - someone would mock what was happening in people's lives. I will be honest I doubt the poster meant to mock, but to me that is how it was received. I guess this subject makes me sensitive, and it is heart breaking to me over the years. It wears me out at times, and I wonder at times if it would be better just to walk away.

There was a time in which I was so enraged over how abusers tear victims and their families life's apart. I will admit there was almost hate there. As the years went on God showed me that I must learn to pity them as well due to their broken nature. My heart slowing started to change, and I realized if we didn't address them the cycle of violence would continue on. We have to address both portions, and I personally should give rat's butt what the stats are about gender! It doesn't matter to me - abuse doesn't have gender. If anyone is abused its wrong in my eyes, and God is never pleased with abuse.

I grew up going to church, and I had a family that was totally involved. My parents were the type that brought faith into I would say almost every aspect of our lifes. To me the church was a sanctuary. People - like God - that saw the sin in their world that breaks people. They would be that haven to go to if they were in trouble. I will admit I was very naive in that aspect. I'm not saying the church was there to solve all their issues, and take away the consequences of them. That would be unrealistic, but a strong support system in place can do wonders in the lifes of the broken.

When domestic violence started in my own life I reached out, and I found secular help as people would put it. I received things I needed at time, and my path to healing had begun. I was still this scared rabbit, and I remember going into a huge anger stage in my life. I will say at times that anger comes back over things I see, read, and experience in my life. Its nothing like the past, because that anger almost ran my life. I guess righteous anger took over at some period.

I'm NOT going to sit here and tell you all my opinions are right on the mark. At times I think I see the world in much different lenses as most. Abuse doesn't filter into every aspect of my life, but the cause of domestic violence and faith are ingrained in me somehow. I can have a big mouth, and can be very loud at times. I know I shatter that Christian bubble of how life is to look, and I know it rubs on people at times. Most of the time people characterize me as the most laid back person they ever knew. They tell me I'm levelheaded, and have a gift to see both sides that others may never have. I remember a couple of counselors telling me I had the unique ability to detach at times that most people will never grasp. I think those were gifts God gave me in time in order to be on the journey that raises such passion within me. I will never be one of the biggest voices, or even well known...lol or anywhere close to that! That's okay! I know some of the things I have written about gave others hope, and validated what they felt at times but were afraid to admit. I think that is awesome! It starts their journey, and no one can minimize that part EVER! WOO HOO! Thank you JESUS!

I do have one HUGE sore point! I ranted and raved about it on an earlier post. Church Leadership's perfect example of how they don't have a clue! Irresponsible ignorance just drives me crazy! I would never write about subjects that I had done no research on whatsoever! When you deal with something extremely dangerous you need to make sure you get your facts straight!

ladies, the man is not talking to the men here. He doesn't have to adress the brokeness of the man, he is dealing with the wife and her actions. He did a very good job doing this. You see we do have a choice to submit even to an abusive husband. God says to do it but we still have a choice. It is our actions as women he is dealing with.

I would like to see his write up to the men, which I am sure he has one.
There is a much truth to this thread but there is an underlying lie too many are believing also. Many men out there are jerks, but lets face it, with all the drama we as women put out, there are very few that are innocent. Women get into relationships they should have never been in in the first place. They don't have the blessing of their parents, and they don't usually really know the guy they marry.

I read that first paragraph about the discussion about the article I posted about, and I felt my blood pressure going UP! We have a choice to submit to an abusive husband? I guess that is true, but the poster really meant - as to say its what you should do - is what drove me right over the top! How this author KNEW what he was talking about, and its okay to write about all the uglies sins a woman can do to drive their partner to abuse. Do people drive others to drink as well? Do we FORCE our partners to get into porn? Do we shove drugs and booze down their throats with our actions? We can't MAKE them do anything! Part of our walk with Christ is to learn self control, and to grow into a better person. We are to strive to become as Christlike as possible. This author handed ammo to the abuser, and if I were guessing it will be an article they use to drive home the message of WHO is in control and WHY! Is that making it worse or better?

I have to admit the type of advice above will send victims back to their homes to TRY a bit harder, and you know how I view that? I call it the Christian form of the 'honor killing'. Its not in the form of honor to God as we are called to do. Its to honor what they view as important. I mean remember victims aren't 'innocent' here! They do the drama! The church can't use education and any form of common sense here! They can't see the broken person behind the anger, and you know what else? ABUSERS love the way the church handles this stuff! They THRIVE on it! Oh boy Oh BOY OH BOY - YES........now she will come home now, and they told her to OBEY ME (evil snicker)! Victims at times will lash back in ways because of the pressure, and the church has no problem making sure they POINT those sins out as SOON as they happen! We will dissect every portion of it, and use that 'Christian's are called to judgement' part to rub their noses in it. What they never do once again? They never really touch on the rage that it is ingrained within the abuser. ABUSERS LOVE hearing about how she got pummeled from the church again, and the church don't realize they just added gas to their tank! They added FUEL their FIRE of hate, contempt and now they handed them a HUGE blessing of justification! The church will say, "That's NOT what we meant!" Guess what? The abuser doesn't take it the way you MEANT! He is to busy relishing it to really give a poop about the rest of what you have to say. Why? His broken nature and his entitlement. Now we watch the Christian in the bubble crowd throw up their hands, and tell the victim, "We will pray for you" as they walk out the door.

No one is innocent in this world. No one is clean as a whistle! To say that victim's drama helps this be brought upon themselves is excuses. To say if you can't handle the suggestions the author brought on, and realize if you don't do them you could be provoking someone is just an excuse. Telling others that they have a choice to submit to an abusive spouse is SIN! We know what that will mean to the abuser...that SUBMIT part, and the abuser is smiling with glee...that's the sick part no one wants to admit. You can't tell the abuser that either! Their next suggestion about sitting down with the abuser, and calmly having this discussion isn't going to happen due to their brokenness. That part the church ignores as well. They throw up their hands, pray, and walk away thankful they aren't in this mess. THANK GOD they didn't make the wrong decisions! We listened to our parents, and didn't RUSH into something! YEP to me our version of the honor killing! People remain in dangerous situations with no support over the honor of keeping the marriage together for the church! They are slowing killed off emotionally, physically so the marriage stats can be viewed better by the world. It amazes me that lack of humbleness when it comes to that. They can't admit they made this huge error of judgement, and tried to use their spiritual pixie dust to make it go away.

I was on the phone today with a friend, and I told her I need to NOT get upset over this stuff. I responded to the poster, but I will admit I had to rewrite it about 4 times before it didn't sound downright rude! I wasn't diplomatic either I will admit. My friend told me that it gets me mad because I lived the 'lie' and I know the damage it does. I see the damage the 'lie' does to others, and responses such as that remind me of the lack of empathy that they shouldn't have. It did make me feel better, but I will admit I should have just walked away! Below is my triggered response. lol NOPE I wasn't innocent, and I'm sure someone will attempt to spank me over that! I think my friend is correct in what she said. Ignorance does trigger me badly, and the 'lie' does enrage me. As I was ranting to her on the phone I will getting myself more and more upset! LOL I finally stopped when she giggled at me, 'Hannah YOU are getting me MAD NOW!' Tee hee! I was getting myself worked up a a bit, and told her I couldn't go back there for a while. I knew what it would do to me. So HERE you go world - my NOT so innocent, triggered by the lie and angered at the honor killing of Christians for the SAKE of marriage! Enjoy! (insert raspberries)

I think we both realize he isn't addressing the men. That's quite clear. I don't think myself or anyone else would give the spiritual green light for the behavior he mentioned either.

I disagree if you are talking of the sin of domestic violence that you are NOT to address the broken nature of the person that is commiting that legal crime. Remember it is illegal. He is a criminal in the eyes of the law, and the behaviors that the man listed aren't going to save his behind in the front of a judge. Are you saying they should? They should in the eyes of the church? Would God agree with that? I don't think so. God would wish this broken person to be healed from the urge to hurt others in the sense. No one should submit to being abused due to some sin someone else feels they have commited against them - even if they DID do it! There is no excuse, and what this author left out is their doesn't have to a sin involved in order to be abused. Ask a victim of child abuse or other victims of violence crime! They shouldn't have to be abused because they didn't get their parents approval or went to fast into the relationship either. That is giving excuses so people don't have to deal with it.

Victims are about as innocent as you and I are. Its NOT okay in my eyes to blindly sit back and allow abuse because they didn't have the tools that others did at the time they married. Once they are healthy enough to start making changes in their lifes...to say you made your bed way back when in the days you were not innocent and didn't have the tools to make the decision we as soceity feels you should have made. Chances are very good that man or woman you are speaking to came from abused home, and felt they did better than their parents did. Come to find out their spouse was just a better charmer. Allowing those people to stew in their juices of past generations doesn't stop the cycle of violence - it allows it to continue. Don't you see that?

Allowing the jerk man as you put it and the drama lady no hope to grow and become healhier because its easy to blame them isn't going to make this world a better place. Standing up and confronting sin, and having no toleration for it will. We aren't going to make any changes in this world unless we grow a backbone, and encourage others to do the same.

When one starts to grow we need to encourage that, and not tell them they aren't innocent. You have a choice to submit to abuse. Not everyone grew up in the Christian bubble, and were geared to make good choices. If that was the requirements of the Christain life maybe we need to list that on the door before people walk in. They will then have the choice if they want to see if they should take the risk of being denied fellowship.

I'll never forget the day I realized that I had been lied to all my life by what I had been taught in the church. I saw them handing over extra burdens to the abused instead of helping. I thought it was just a mistake. WHen I realized the denial was so deep and so thick I can't tell you how hard I cried, and how completely heart broken I was. I felt betrayed! My parents had told me if I was ever in trouble to go to your church fellowship. I never realized that there was conditions on that - I was that naive! I'm passionate about this because I see this HUGE error, and I don't know HOW to turn on the light! Both parties need to be healed, and they need separate help! They didn't bring this on themselves, because the world of broken people raise broken children. No one is innocent, and they shouldn't have to be to receive help. That help at times needs to be more than words and prayers.

SOceity at times is also blinded by denial, but the church in my eyes should be more step ahead of that denial. Instead I see the holy hush where there should be a shattered silence. I refuse to validate any of the sins that man listed, but to say that is an excuse for domestic violence.....that is where I draw the line! You see you don't have to any of those things on the list to be abused, and NO people aren't innocent either! There is a video on youtube regarding a 20/20 show. She spoke of how she landed in her hole, and how she felt she landed there. If you listen to how he addressed her in the video you can see clearly the irrational mindset of domestic violence. She didn't do a darn thing except ask him what he wanted for lunch! He instructed his son to pick up a video camera to tape him berating and abusing his wife. Why? To use a a tool for family night to show the kids what a bad person mommie is. That's the reality of domestic violence - its a sick broken mindset of the abuser. We need to stop making excuses for them. She was scared to reach out, and unless we figure out a way of fixing that bottleneck so it feels safer to others.......that will also continue the cycle of violence. We need to help them feel strong enough to face it. To grow past it. Those kids in the video will struggle all their lifes to make sure they don't follow their parents NOT so innocent path. We need to tell people we will be there no matter what path they go down, and stop throwing out the spiritual pixie dust as a solution.

End of Hannah's not so innocent and drama filled rant for the day!

Honor Killings In Texas - Father murders his daugthers

The Qur’an or Islamic tradition does not sanction honor killings. Honor killing has nothing to do with Islam, but is merely a feature of Islamic culture in some areas. Please keep in mind there are good people within this faith, and then they are some that taken things to the extreme...just like any faith!

Police are looking for Yaser Abdel, and below is a video of pictures of his different looks that he may use.



The video I found at Atlas Strugs who also have a good story about this event.

Human Events also have a story on this recent event of an honor killing of his two daugthers, Amina and Sarah Said (may they rest in peace).

The Lewisville cab driver had been suspected of abuse in the past, according to the Dallas News. He was accused of sexual abuse when they were children, and it was recanted later by them. Some feel out of intimidation, and according to the brother:

During the vigil, the girls’ brother took the microphone, saying his father did not kill his sisters.

“They pulled the trigger, not my dad,” he said.

That shows the power and control and fear of this man. It shows the mind bending that this man did also towards his son. I'm not excusing the son, or saying that he is justified in what he mentioned...its just sad to see how abuse can be continued to the next generation in this fashion. The brother blames the boyfriends for this happening, and NOT his father!

What seems the saddest part of all is the fact that these girls reached out for help some teachers at school as well. They kept reaching out and it seems it was in vain.

America's Most Wanted Show also has a story about this tragic event, along with Fox News as well.

My prayers are with this family, and everyone involved.