Monday, March 09, 2009

Do as I say and NOT as I do!

Posted by Hannah at 1:32 AM

Namecalling is justified, and demanding respect is very common. Abusers own this Do as I say and NOT as I do very much so!

(This is part of a series of articles I did using segments of the program called Super Nanny that showed a family in the throws of Emotional and Verbal Abuse.  Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see to see the different topic titles.)

Points to remember:

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He or she uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He or she may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Once you view the video you will see abusers don't just target the spouse! They target the children as well!

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.

If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.

The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.
Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.

Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.

"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

This is a good example of 'do as I say NOT as I do!' We hear alot from spouses about being called names, demeaned, and humiliated. From the video you can see that it goes much further than that! As you can tell from the video Morgan walked away, and he cuts her down and her mother as she does.

Phil claims he knows better, but he does it anyway. You can tell that they do know right from wrong, but aren't capable of NOT going there! He says it makes HIM feel bad, but he doesn't recognize the damage he is doing to his family that receive it.

His feeling awful about calling names doesn't stop him from doing so does it? Do as I say and NOT as I do is a very common trait of abusers.

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