The Church Leader Gazette wrote an article about domestic violence, and some of it maybe comment sense, but the rest of it is nonsense!
Men are definitely at fault in most cases of domestic violence. As we
learned in elementary school, boys should not hit girls–a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances. But contrary to popular belief, women are oftentimes at fault by provoking the man. Some women provoke a negative response from their husbands inadvertently, because they do not know how to deal with a man probably because they never had a father in the home to teach them or they never had a mother, older sister or older woman to teach them how to handle a man. However, some women intentionally provoke their husbands by pushing buttons that they know will cause a negative reaction.
First off, I know I have taught my son never to HIT anyone...except in self defense. There is no need for hitting, and to say that people PUSHED your buttons to do that? For goodness sakes! How many times in life have people been in situations in which others PUSHED their buttons? I would say quite a bit at times, depending on WHOM you are talking to. I have never hit anyone that pushed my buttons. lol unless you want to count the time I was a child, and creamed my brother on occasion!
What is this man saying? Men don't grow up and figure out that isn't acceptable? I mean HARDLY! If they don't figure that out they will on their way to jail! I think we all know men that have had their buttons pushed, and have never lashed out at another person in that fashion. This author is giving lack of self control as a reason. Lack of proper authority figures within the home is also mentioned for others feeling they are entitled to make excuses for the lashing out. How many times did people attempt to push Jesus's buttons? Do we read pages and pages in the bible in which he told others he was 'justified' because someone made him do it?
HE HAS to be kidding ME! What in insult to men and woman alike!
Dear sister, never think that domestic violence is a normal way of life, and it should not occur in any relationship, especially in a Christian family relationship. Here are some things that you can do, as a young woman, to make sure that you do not end up in a relationship like this. I am going to deal with this issue from two standpoints: (1) Do not marry a man who is prone to violence in the first place, and (2) If God blesses you with a good man, here are some things you should do, and should not do, so as not to provoke him to negative behaviour. So, please listen carefully and take heed to the following:
I had to giggle at this part! Women can take a good man, and push them into beating them! For goodness SAKES! People that BEAT are broken people! Gender doesn't matter on this! He must really think we are raising a bunch of weak MEN in this world for him to say such a thing! I understand the not marrying a violent man part, but the rest is just excuses! MAKE SURE you don't MAKE your man HIT YOU! Is he seriously saying most people are that weak? I mean lets get down to reality here - abusers are weak people! I would like to introduce this author to some real men that don't make excuses for their bad behavior - because there are TONS of them out there!
The author then lists some traits for abusive personalities to show women WHO not to marry.
HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO ONCE YOU ARE MARRIED TO KEEP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FROM EVER HAPPENING
let me remind you that the young black men of today are not your grandfather or even your father. The young black men of today are simply not going to put up with any disrespect from their woman. It is true that a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances, period. however, some women can bring this type of harmful activity upon themselves by not applying the Word of God, wisdom, and common sense to the marital relationship. Below are some common sense things that you can do to avoid having anything close to domestic violence happening in your home, assuming that you married a God-fearing, decent man in the first place:
I guess according to this author men of today don't know what is meant by being a gentleman or God Fearing Man. I mean even gentlemen and God Fearing men know how to properly deal with disrespectful people. I guess a speech about how not to get involved with women that are disrespectful wasn't needed, because he already gave men the green light to bash them. I mean they DID push the buttons right?
In domestic violence relationships don't hand abusers excuses for their behavior! There is no good excuse. I don't care HOW badly someone is pushing your buttons, disrespecting you, etc - you have no right landing hands on anyone. There is no YOU brought it upon yourself! I know I have been in situations where I would have LOVED to lay hands on someone, but I knew enough to get the heck out of dodge somehow! I figured out a way to cool myself down before I did something stupid! Goodness we have all been there! Just because someone else is acting badly doesn't give you the green light or excuse of them pushing you into sin. You did that ALL by yourself!
People don't make you sin! People don't PUSH you to sin! People don't PROVOKE you to sin! Its your decision to sin, and if you want to make excuses for it...that's SIN as well!
His list this time? Sighhhhhhhh!
Do not lie to your husband about anything, past, present, or future. There is no sense in lying to the person that you are married to, or to anyone else for that matter, but especially to your own husband. Lying will destroy the foundation of your marriage faster than anything. So, be honest about everything.
In domestic violence situations it isn't always SAFE to not lie about things! I mean he is talking about domestic violence right? I can understand the NOT lying in healthy relationships - he has a point it does break the foundation. If you are doing things to avoid a rage sessions, answering questions you know are being asked so he has the excuse to be provoked, etc. You are scared and you may lie to avoid these things. You aren't doing it for the same reason as someone outside of a domestic violence relationship. There are completely different reasons why people that are abused would lie compared to this sad excuse he is giving. I'm not justifying lieing here! Just being truthful with the reality of domestic violence! The truth will get your bashed just as much as the lie!
Dear sister, if you have a problem with wandering eyes and you just can’t control yourself when a handsome man gets within eye-shot, then you might need to get some spiritual healing in that area before you get married. One thing you do not want to do in front of your husband or husband to be is look at other men. That is disrespectful to him and the Bible tells us that “jealousy is the rage of a man”. And please don’t do this passive-aggressive nonsense of being vindictive and trying to get back at your husband by making him jealous because you had a disagreement or something. Many women have gone to a premature grave for doing silly things like that. You shouldn't’t do this at all, but if you just have to look at another man, have enough sense to do it when your husband is not around. I know this may sound petty to you, but the name of the game is don’t do anything to disrespect your husband.
If anyone man or woman took their partner to an early grave due to going to far in regards to their jealousy they should have sought spiritual healing before marriage. Stop making excuses!
People will look at the opposite gender, and at times it means NOTHING! Don't LOOK at anyone when your spouse is around?
Again this author has made no effort in doing any research whatsoever in the area of domestic violence. Alot of people can do nothing at all, or innocently look somewhere and get accused of this. There was no vindictive or passive agressive motive behind it. I'm sure there are people that play games, and if they do shame on THEM! To think that is some justication for domestic violence? This author does realize this behavior is illegal right?
May I encourage you not to disrespect your husband in front of your family or in front of your girlfriends, and definitely don’t disrespect him in front of his buddies. Depending on his makeup, he might be able to take a little bit of your mouthing off and showing out at home with just you and the children there, but he is not going to take your embarrassing him in front of other people. And for common sense sake, don’t go around telling your family and friends all of your business that goes on in your house because this is another point that may get his ire up and may cause him to go off on you.
I think this author is seriously trying to combine sinful behavior of immature adults, and combine that with domestic violence. Your spouses disrespects you in front of family or friends - that's no excuse to take it out on her or the children behind closed doors. That's not a God fearing man we are talking about here. YES the behavior should be addressed, but to think this author is almost saying it is justified makes me wonder how God fearing he is. There are steps in the bible to address BAD behavior, and what he speaks of isn't IT!
This may sound like a no-brainer to you, but do not commit adultery in any way, shape, form or fashion. If you are ever tempted to commit adultery, run–don’t walk–away from it. This is a sure cause for domestic violence. Society has it backwards, but when you get married, you are to be married until “death do you part.” This means that no one or nothing should come between the two of you. Again, let me repeat, you may be married to the strong, silent type, but “jealousy is still
the rage of a man”.
This man has to be kidding me right? Again we need to seek the bible for addressing this, and not use excuses for domestic violence as excuse for this behavior.
There are other ways that women show disrespect to their husbands that seem small to them, but are very irritating to men. Here are the big five: (1) talking back to him when he is trying to tell you something; (2) talking back while he is trying to tell you something (we all know women can think and talk faster than men); (3) rolling the eyes; (4) smirking; (5) cursing and calling your husband names. You don’t have to respond to everything that he does or says. Be a woman who respects and loves her husband despite his faults or failures, and be Christ-like in your response. The Bible, in fact, tells you in 1 Peter 3:4: “But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” This is not about being a doormat. This is about being smart.
I think I can safely say no one likes this type of behavior. What does it say about a man that asks women to act Christlike, and yet gives excuses to men that can't seem to? Blind maybe? Men are to be respect to their wifes despite their faults and failures as well. Guess what Mr. Author>>> domestic violence isn't respectful in the least! You are asking women to stand up to a standard you have in your head, and not allowing the men in your life have the standard that God has asked them to.
Please understand that the way God has wired you as a woman is that your satisfaction comes from satisfying your husband and your family. God did not give him to you just for him to please you. You are to please him as well. Make sure you do your part. The older women will tell you that it really doesn’t take much to please a man. If you don’t know how to please a man, you better ask somebody. But as a man, I can assure you that it doesn’t take much. If you have been married to your husband for just a little while, God will give you the ability and the instincts to know what your husband wants and needs. Don’t let the devil tempt you into thinking that you don’t know what your husband wants and needs. Do not fight these instincts, and do not act as though you don’t know what your husband wants and needs. You know! Don’t sit in your house and not meet your husband’s needs, and think that he is going to be all you need for him to be. Honey, this is a two-way street. Yes, God expects that man to be “all that” to you, but God also expects you to be “all that” to him.
(shaking head and sighly loudly) Why do people write articles about domestic violence when they haven't got the first clue what they are dealing with? Women don't need to be told what they desire, etc. LOL I highly doubt men do either! Neither need to be told HOW we are wired!
In domestic violence situations you don't know how to satisify the person that is abusing you. lol if just doing that WORKED we wouldn't have the issues we have today! I'm sorry but I find articles like this extremely disrespectful when they plow all this ignorance into the issue. People abuse others - because they CAN! You can have the house clean as pin, favorite dinner on the table, slippers waiting be placed on the minute they walk in with children quietly and being dutiful - and an abuser will still RAGE and abuse. Its their brokeness that causes this, and not this nonsense about pleasing your man. Abusive people are irrational, and you can't negotoite with a crazy person! They aren't capable of that! I think this man seriously needs to spend some time with men, woman and children that have been abused. He has no clue what he is talking about, and if an abused person is reading this...it can be very damaging!
Understand that men are very serious about their food. Food is not just a necessity to a man, it is an event. It is something that he looks forward to. So, don’t make an issue out of his food. Don’t burn his food. Make sure his food is prepared on time, whether you do the cooking or not. Make sure it is done in a sanitary fashion, meaning, for example, that you wash your hands before you touch his food. Most men are very funny about how people prepare their food. Dear sister, you can probably eat a little something and keep on moving, but a man cherishes a good meal and takes it seriously. You can avoid a lot of trouble in your marriage by making sure this area is taken care of.
lol he has to be kidding! Lets mark that up to the saying, "A way to man's heart is via the stomach" shall we? You burn something - don't be cross when he punches you! Bleck!
If you have children, take care of your children. Do your part in raising, teaching, loving, and caring for them as their mother. There are some things that your husband will do with the children that you will not and cannot do. But he will appreciate it if you fulfill your part as their mother. Now let me emphasize something here, nothing will get a father and/or husband more upset than if he sees his children being neglected and/or mistreated by their own mother. Not being a loving, caring, and doting mother over his children will get you in a lot of trouble real fast.
Abusive spouses aren't good parents. Any good parent would be upset at the neglect and maltreatment of their children! Abusive spouses that abuse the spouse, and as you hear alot DON'T abuse the children.....aren't good parents either. A good parent would never mistreat their partner ever! Showing disrespect for anyone isn't being a good parent.
If you are a Christian young lady, God has commanded you to submit to your husband and God has also commanded you to obey your husband. Ephesians 5:22 states: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” Titus 2:5 states: “To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Now, if you want to be obedient to God, go ahead and have this kind of attitude and spirit and do this, and you can avoid a whole lot of pain and heartache in your marriage and in your family. I told my wife before we got married that we were going to do this thing called marriage “God’s way or no way,” and what I meant by that is: God is holding me accountable, and I am holding her accountable to doing it His way. And when we do it God’s way, we have peace and tranquility in our homes. When we cease to do it God’s way, we bring problems and trouble in our homes, and sad to say, even domestic violence.
God isn't going to give you the excuse that if you wife was the worse of characters its okay and understandable why domestic violence happens. Does this author seriously think God would give him an excuse? Your wife doesn't follow the word, but ME as a good Christian man is NOW OKAY with God if I push her around a bit?
I think this author needs to back to bible study. I'm not sure he is been shown a clear description fo what God's way is.
Daughters and YBW, if you claim to be a Christian, act like a Christian, and go ahead and stop trying to do marriage your way, and do it God’s way and save yourself a whole lot of heartache and trouble. I hope that you will take the above suggestions in the loving spirit in which they were written.
The above is a bunch of excuses, and you seem to forget that any person that commits domestic violence isn't acting as a CHRISTIAN - no excuses! Domestic violence isn't caused by not being submissive, etc. That's garbage! Its not caused by not honoring and disrespected someone! It amazes that me that people can believe this simplistic stuff in this day and age! It's truly shocking!
Daughters and YBW, domestic violence is a choice. Many people choose to have drama like this in their marriages, because of simply wanting to do things their way and not God’s way. No, a man should never hit a woman, but a woman should never provoke a situation that would cause a man to hit her or to abuse her in the first place. Contrary to society, this is a two way street. But you can avoid domestic violence and the pain that comes with it, if you just do the things listed above, in your marriage. I assure you that your marriage and family will be a happy one if you do these things. ,
You can't assure people of that! Its NOT possible! Ask the people that have been victims of domestic violence! Ask the people that work with abusers, and victims! Domestic violence within a relationship doesn't happen because someone broke some rule that you listed. I'm sorry but men that write this junk make me wonder if they justified their own bad behavior within their relationship themselves.
As a final note, dear sister, if you are doing God’s will and you are doing your part, but you are still in a relationship that is violent, then I strongly encourage you to run to safety as fast as you can–to a battered women’s shelter or some other organization like that, where the batterer can’t get to you. Again, here is the number to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
May God Bless You and Keep You,
huh? I thought he could assure people of safety if they followed the rules? Guess that shows you how good the advice was! I truly feel sorry for people like this. TRULY! I pray for the poor victims that come into the path of them. Ignorance can kill as well. I would challege this author to do some homework, and maybe dedicate his time to his local shelter to see the error of his statements. I realize he won't, because he would rather place his myths of the issue out there rather than dealing with the reality. Its so sad.
When will the church come out their bubble and smell the reality?
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