Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Victims aren't innocent - they like the drama!

Posted by Hannah at 1:40 PM

I have been reading a thread on bibleforums.com about an author that had written a book about domestic violence. Her writing touched me very much, and I guess I should have realized that in time - someone would mock what was happening in people's lives. I will be honest I doubt the poster meant to mock, but to me that is how it was received. I guess this subject makes me sensitive, and it is heart breaking to me over the years. It wears me out at times, and I wonder at times if it would be better just to walk away.

There was a time in which I was so enraged over how abusers tear victims and their families life's apart. I will admit there was almost hate there. As the years went on God showed me that I must learn to pity them as well due to their broken nature. My heart slowing started to change, and I realized if we didn't address them the cycle of violence would continue on. We have to address both portions, and I personally should give rat's butt what the stats are about gender! It doesn't matter to me - abuse doesn't have gender. If anyone is abused its wrong in my eyes, and God is never pleased with abuse.

I grew up going to church, and I had a family that was totally involved. My parents were the type that brought faith into I would say almost every aspect of our lifes. To me the church was a sanctuary. People - like God - that saw the sin in their world that breaks people. They would be that haven to go to if they were in trouble. I will admit I was very naive in that aspect. I'm not saying the church was there to solve all their issues, and take away the consequences of them. That would be unrealistic, but a strong support system in place can do wonders in the lifes of the broken.

When domestic violence started in my own life I reached out, and I found secular help as people would put it. I received things I needed at time, and my path to healing had begun. I was still this scared rabbit, and I remember going into a huge anger stage in my life. I will say at times that anger comes back over things I see, read, and experience in my life. Its nothing like the past, because that anger almost ran my life. I guess righteous anger took over at some period.

I'm NOT going to sit here and tell you all my opinions are right on the mark. At times I think I see the world in much different lenses as most. Abuse doesn't filter into every aspect of my life, but the cause of domestic violence and faith are ingrained in me somehow. I can have a big mouth, and can be very loud at times. I know I shatter that Christian bubble of how life is to look, and I know it rubs on people at times. Most of the time people characterize me as the most laid back person they ever knew. They tell me I'm levelheaded, and have a gift to see both sides that others may never have. I remember a couple of counselors telling me I had the unique ability to detach at times that most people will never grasp. I think those were gifts God gave me in time in order to be on the journey that raises such passion within me. I will never be one of the biggest voices, or even well known...lol or anywhere close to that! That's okay! I know some of the things I have written about gave others hope, and validated what they felt at times but were afraid to admit. I think that is awesome! It starts their journey, and no one can minimize that part EVER! WOO HOO! Thank you JESUS!

I do have one HUGE sore point! I ranted and raved about it on an earlier post. Church Leadership's perfect example of how they don't have a clue! Irresponsible ignorance just drives me crazy! I would never write about subjects that I had done no research on whatsoever! When you deal with something extremely dangerous you need to make sure you get your facts straight!

ladies, the man is not talking to the men here. He doesn't have to adress the brokeness of the man, he is dealing with the wife and her actions. He did a very good job doing this. You see we do have a choice to submit even to an abusive husband. God says to do it but we still have a choice. It is our actions as women he is dealing with.

I would like to see his write up to the men, which I am sure he has one.
There is a much truth to this thread but there is an underlying lie too many are believing also. Many men out there are jerks, but lets face it, with all the drama we as women put out, there are very few that are innocent. Women get into relationships they should have never been in in the first place. They don't have the blessing of their parents, and they don't usually really know the guy they marry.

I read that first paragraph about the discussion about the article I posted about, and I felt my blood pressure going UP! We have a choice to submit to an abusive husband? I guess that is true, but the poster really meant - as to say its what you should do - is what drove me right over the top! How this author KNEW what he was talking about, and its okay to write about all the uglies sins a woman can do to drive their partner to abuse. Do people drive others to drink as well? Do we FORCE our partners to get into porn? Do we shove drugs and booze down their throats with our actions? We can't MAKE them do anything! Part of our walk with Christ is to learn self control, and to grow into a better person. We are to strive to become as Christlike as possible. This author handed ammo to the abuser, and if I were guessing it will be an article they use to drive home the message of WHO is in control and WHY! Is that making it worse or better?

I have to admit the type of advice above will send victims back to their homes to TRY a bit harder, and you know how I view that? I call it the Christian form of the 'honor killing'. Its not in the form of honor to God as we are called to do. Its to honor what they view as important. I mean remember victims aren't 'innocent' here! They do the drama! The church can't use education and any form of common sense here! They can't see the broken person behind the anger, and you know what else? ABUSERS love the way the church handles this stuff! They THRIVE on it! Oh boy Oh BOY OH BOY - YES........now she will come home now, and they told her to OBEY ME (evil snicker)! Victims at times will lash back in ways because of the pressure, and the church has no problem making sure they POINT those sins out as SOON as they happen! We will dissect every portion of it, and use that 'Christian's are called to judgement' part to rub their noses in it. What they never do once again? They never really touch on the rage that it is ingrained within the abuser. ABUSERS LOVE hearing about how she got pummeled from the church again, and the church don't realize they just added gas to their tank! They added FUEL their FIRE of hate, contempt and now they handed them a HUGE blessing of justification! The church will say, "That's NOT what we meant!" Guess what? The abuser doesn't take it the way you MEANT! He is to busy relishing it to really give a poop about the rest of what you have to say. Why? His broken nature and his entitlement. Now we watch the Christian in the bubble crowd throw up their hands, and tell the victim, "We will pray for you" as they walk out the door.

No one is innocent in this world. No one is clean as a whistle! To say that victim's drama helps this be brought upon themselves is excuses. To say if you can't handle the suggestions the author brought on, and realize if you don't do them you could be provoking someone is just an excuse. Telling others that they have a choice to submit to an abusive spouse is SIN! We know what that will mean to the abuser...that SUBMIT part, and the abuser is smiling with glee...that's the sick part no one wants to admit. You can't tell the abuser that either! Their next suggestion about sitting down with the abuser, and calmly having this discussion isn't going to happen due to their brokenness. That part the church ignores as well. They throw up their hands, pray, and walk away thankful they aren't in this mess. THANK GOD they didn't make the wrong decisions! We listened to our parents, and didn't RUSH into something! YEP to me our version of the honor killing! People remain in dangerous situations with no support over the honor of keeping the marriage together for the church! They are slowing killed off emotionally, physically so the marriage stats can be viewed better by the world. It amazes me that lack of humbleness when it comes to that. They can't admit they made this huge error of judgement, and tried to use their spiritual pixie dust to make it go away.

I was on the phone today with a friend, and I told her I need to NOT get upset over this stuff. I responded to the poster, but I will admit I had to rewrite it about 4 times before it didn't sound downright rude! I wasn't diplomatic either I will admit. My friend told me that it gets me mad because I lived the 'lie' and I know the damage it does. I see the damage the 'lie' does to others, and responses such as that remind me of the lack of empathy that they shouldn't have. It did make me feel better, but I will admit I should have just walked away! Below is my triggered response. lol NOPE I wasn't innocent, and I'm sure someone will attempt to spank me over that! I think my friend is correct in what she said. Ignorance does trigger me badly, and the 'lie' does enrage me. As I was ranting to her on the phone I will getting myself more and more upset! LOL I finally stopped when she giggled at me, 'Hannah YOU are getting me MAD NOW!' Tee hee! I was getting myself worked up a a bit, and told her I couldn't go back there for a while. I knew what it would do to me. So HERE you go world - my NOT so innocent, triggered by the lie and angered at the honor killing of Christians for the SAKE of marriage! Enjoy! (insert raspberries)

I think we both realize he isn't addressing the men. That's quite clear. I don't think myself or anyone else would give the spiritual green light for the behavior he mentioned either.

I disagree if you are talking of the sin of domestic violence that you are NOT to address the broken nature of the person that is commiting that legal crime. Remember it is illegal. He is a criminal in the eyes of the law, and the behaviors that the man listed aren't going to save his behind in the front of a judge. Are you saying they should? They should in the eyes of the church? Would God agree with that? I don't think so. God would wish this broken person to be healed from the urge to hurt others in the sense. No one should submit to being abused due to some sin someone else feels they have commited against them - even if they DID do it! There is no excuse, and what this author left out is their doesn't have to a sin involved in order to be abused. Ask a victim of child abuse or other victims of violence crime! They shouldn't have to be abused because they didn't get their parents approval or went to fast into the relationship either. That is giving excuses so people don't have to deal with it.

Victims are about as innocent as you and I are. Its NOT okay in my eyes to blindly sit back and allow abuse because they didn't have the tools that others did at the time they married. Once they are healthy enough to start making changes in their lifes...to say you made your bed way back when in the days you were not innocent and didn't have the tools to make the decision we as soceity feels you should have made. Chances are very good that man or woman you are speaking to came from abused home, and felt they did better than their parents did. Come to find out their spouse was just a better charmer. Allowing those people to stew in their juices of past generations doesn't stop the cycle of violence - it allows it to continue. Don't you see that?

Allowing the jerk man as you put it and the drama lady no hope to grow and become healhier because its easy to blame them isn't going to make this world a better place. Standing up and confronting sin, and having no toleration for it will. We aren't going to make any changes in this world unless we grow a backbone, and encourage others to do the same.

When one starts to grow we need to encourage that, and not tell them they aren't innocent. You have a choice to submit to abuse. Not everyone grew up in the Christian bubble, and were geared to make good choices. If that was the requirements of the Christain life maybe we need to list that on the door before people walk in. They will then have the choice if they want to see if they should take the risk of being denied fellowship.

I'll never forget the day I realized that I had been lied to all my life by what I had been taught in the church. I saw them handing over extra burdens to the abused instead of helping. I thought it was just a mistake. WHen I realized the denial was so deep and so thick I can't tell you how hard I cried, and how completely heart broken I was. I felt betrayed! My parents had told me if I was ever in trouble to go to your church fellowship. I never realized that there was conditions on that - I was that naive! I'm passionate about this because I see this HUGE error, and I don't know HOW to turn on the light! Both parties need to be healed, and they need separate help! They didn't bring this on themselves, because the world of broken people raise broken children. No one is innocent, and they shouldn't have to be to receive help. That help at times needs to be more than words and prayers.

SOceity at times is also blinded by denial, but the church in my eyes should be more step ahead of that denial. Instead I see the holy hush where there should be a shattered silence. I refuse to validate any of the sins that man listed, but to say that is an excuse for domestic violence.....that is where I draw the line! You see you don't have to any of those things on the list to be abused, and NO people aren't innocent either! There is a video on youtube regarding a 20/20 show. She spoke of how she landed in her hole, and how she felt she landed there. If you listen to how he addressed her in the video you can see clearly the irrational mindset of domestic violence. She didn't do a darn thing except ask him what he wanted for lunch! He instructed his son to pick up a video camera to tape him berating and abusing his wife. Why? To use a a tool for family night to show the kids what a bad person mommie is. That's the reality of domestic violence - its a sick broken mindset of the abuser. We need to stop making excuses for them. She was scared to reach out, and unless we figure out a way of fixing that bottleneck so it feels safer to others.......that will also continue the cycle of violence. We need to help them feel strong enough to face it. To grow past it. Those kids in the video will struggle all their lifes to make sure they don't follow their parents NOT so innocent path. We need to tell people we will be there no matter what path they go down, and stop throwing out the spiritual pixie dust as a solution.

End of Hannah's not so innocent and drama filled rant for the day!

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www.wanetadawn.com on 11:28 AM said...

God bless you and your efforts in the fight for truth, righteousness, and justice. You are right, Hannah. The church is responsible to stop wrong teaching, to stop victim-blaming, to stop making excuses to not help. Look at Isaiah 58. Does God even listen to the prayers of Christians when they don't do everything they can to help free the oppressed? Perhaps that's why when people do nothing but pray their prayers aren't answered. According to Isaiah 58, God also expects us to DO something constructive to free the oppressed from oppression. And that does not include telling the oppressed they LIKE their oppression, or that they should SUBMIT to their oppressor, or that the oppressor is doing no wrong. Peter also indicates the prayers of the husband who is unkind to his wife are hindered. I assume that means they are answered very slowly, or that the hand of God and His angels are hampered from bringing aid because the so-called Christian has by his actions given the forces of evil permission to rule. The aim of the forces of evil are to maim, to kill, and to destroy.

What will it take to get the church to wake up? Does each error-teaching pastor have to see (and feel) his daughter suffer abuse at the hands of her husband before that pastor will even see the need to take a better look at this issue and correct his misinterpretations by adding some godly compassion and mercy, and by stopping the practice of interpreting scripture by acting as if God wrote it in the USA in 1920? God forbid that each and every one of the pastors who add to the victimization of the victim must hurt through the pain of his own daughter(s) before he will listen to God on this subject.

But God does say that he will change men's hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. Perhaps this is what our basic prayer about dv should be. (Too often the issue feels so big, I hardly know how to pray.) Dear Lord God, in the name of your precious son, Jesus, please soften the hearts of pastors and congregations who further wound the hearts of the wounded and make their confusion even more confusing, and increase their heavy and painful burdens--especially your precious hurting children who have suffered abuse from their family members--and bring the wounders to see their sin and to repent of the evil they have done to so many hurting people. Thank-you Lord God for hearing and answering my prayer and in this way bringing help to the many devastated women and children. Amen.
~Waneta Dawn
(author of "Behind the Hedge, A novel" which is a story that deals with this issue. Although the pastor in the story does partially "get it" and does try to help, some of the congregation do not.)

Anonymous said...

Victims aren't innocent - they like the drama is too ridiculous to address. I am interested, however, to "the church" different bloggers have referred to. wanetadawn was the last one I read. There are many churches, with many different viewpoints on abuse. By the way, I've had issues with "my church" regarding abuse.

Hannah on 5:50 PM said...

There are way to many churches that refuse to address domestic violence.

The poster I mentioned above was told by a pastor on that board that this isn't as huge of an issue as she is making it.

WHen you have attitudes like it is any wonder this is blown off?

Anonymous said...

There is NO Gender in the spirit and pastors who preach about submission are following a legalistic doctrine! Church OF Christ doesn't believe that women should be leaders or speak in the church. They all take Paul's letter to the Corinthian church way out of content and if they are going to stand on that ridiculous scripture that by the way (is a guys opinion from the stone ages) then why don't they stand on all the legalistic scriptures like women not cutting their hair or eating pork? Do you see how asinine it is?
Churches today need to wake up and pray for knowledge and get to know God for real instead of playing this game where men are above women and (the order of things) thats just not true in the spirit.
we are living in a spiritual war people! It is time to become warriors, not followers of man!

Thanks for the mention of this subject line.

Hannah on 9:04 AM said...

I agree with NOT being a follower of man.

Thank you for your note!

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