I have been reading alot of stories about how domestic violence maybe on the raise due to our economic issues in the world presently. There are all kinds of circumstances in which could escalate domestic abuse, but we need to be realize that didn't CAUSE a person to abuse. It just gave the abuser an excuse to show their true colors.My perspective of it from the inside at the time was that his anger was because of his stress, issues at work, because he lost his job, because he couldn’t provide for his family like he wanted to, etc. But here’s the nugget — I excused, or made excuses for, his rages and actions, based on the circumstances. This is the same thing he always did. His rage was always because I did…, the kids did…, if you would only….
Rage and other personal emotions and actions are always a personal choice. They are not something that happens to a person against their will. They choose to behave that way — even if they genuinely believe otherwise. They can choose NOT to behave that way — even if they genuinely believe otherwise.
There is no medical condition and no circumstances that excuse anger, rage, violence, verbal abuse, name calling, etc. You may doubt me, but this is a fact. It took me a very, very, very long time to learn this myself. Somehow a whole lot of other people in the world, even people with bi-polar disorder (a common excuse) or other medical conditions, manage to learn to be responsible for their behavior under even worse circumstances, without abusing those around them. Somehow other marriages, comprised of two imperfect people, manage to exist for entirely lifetimes without rage, anger, disrespect, violence, etc.
The abuser is an abuser because that is their choice - the circumstances just give them another chance to show it.
Lessons from the Woman at the Well is another current book that is on the market geared towards women within the church dealing with domestic violence.
BibleForums has a thread in which she writes out some of things she has learned from the past, and it does start out a bit rough. I feel it has some very sound advice, and she goes answer questions on the thread itself as well.
If you would like to read the author's personal testimony she has posted that as well!
Betty Ashanti Davis I felt did a wonderful job of writing on the thread, and she addressed some of the attitudes we write about here on this blog. Her book is worth checking out as well! In the up coming weeks I will be speaking about a number of others I have read as well about domestic violence in the church.
I understand the author is currently working on getting a website together as well, and I wish Betty Ashanti Davis and her new book Lessons from the Woman at the Well must success! Its so neat to be seeing so many authors finally coming forth, and writing about domestic violence and church. Remember Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse along with other forms are also forms of domestic violence.
When a woman is savaged attacked with a hammer in her own home, she is not “battered”. She is the victim of ATTEMPTED MURDER. When another family member is shot by this man it is ATTEMPTED MURDER.
The trials of Job are not limited to biblical sheepherders.
Domestic violence is a sensitive subject for many people. I don’t know why it should be. You shouldn’t be allowed to commit violent acts against another human being no matter what degree of relationship exists but violence is often tolerated in marital situations. Still, it is imcomprehensible that an attacker would be allowed to roam free after he heartlessly attacked a cancer patient with a hammer. That this man had the ability to shoot her sister with a shotgun is simply unbelievable. Where were the local police? The New Jersey justice system? How can targets of domestic violence sleep easily if their predators are not actually restrained? The attackers in instances such as these seem to be operating with a single minded obsession, as if they are determined to remove a weed from their garden. It’s irrational anger projected onto a hapless target. If the crazy worldview of the attacker can’t be changed, the attacker himself needs to be locked up.
Throughout her 25 years of marriage, Olfat, was regularly beaten and humiliated by her husband. Yet she never complained to anyone for fear of tarnishing her family’s reputation.
“I suffered a great deal of psychological and physical violence,” said Olfat, now a 49-year-old mother of four. Her husband was always accusing her of having relationships with other men as an excuse to hit her.
Following in the steps of other victims of domestic abuse, Olfat decided to put an end to her ordeal. She recently separated from her husband, after her children had all married and left home.
Although it was a taboo subject for a long time, violence against women is now being denounced in the Syrian media and other public forums as a reprehensible form of behaviour.
In the past few years, the Syrian government has held several conferences designed to raise awareness about domestic violence. However, the current public outcry against the abuse of women is mainly the result of efforts by civil groups
Over the last year, local associations have been running a number of projects to help women speak out about the aggression to which they are subjected.
This new assertive stance against domestic violence is helped by the fact that social attitudes are changing.
“The fact that more women are educated, go to work and are financially independent empowers them to reject violence when it is inflicted on them,” said Rouba Hamoud, a Syrian lawyer and women’s rights advocate.
A study conducted in 2006 by the Women’s Union, an umbrella organisation, indicated that one in four Syrian women suffered abuse of some kind, whether physical, verbal, psychological or legal. Other field studies suggest that only one out of every 250 cases of domestic violence is ever reported.
One successful initiative, launched by a group of Christian nuns in November 2007, is a free hotline which women can call if they suffer violence at the hands of their husbands, fathers or brothers.
The Trust Hotline, so far the only one of its kind, provides victims with practical advice on how to stand up to abusers, and informs them about their legal rights. As well as psychological and legal counseling, women may be offered a temporary refuge in extreme cases.
The service is run by the Sisters of the Good Shepherd and funded by donations to the Catholic Church in Syria. When it started, the hotline received 20 phone calls a month; the average number has now reached 230.
“Our aim is to empower a woman to find the inner strength to help herself,” said Rahada Abdoush, one of six volunteers working on the hotline.
Abdoush said the women who call up are generally anxious at first, so the volunteers try to reassure them that all calls remain totally anonymous.
“At the end of each call, we tell the victim she can call us back any time and we’ll do our best to assist her,” she said.
Abdoush sometimes refers victims to a psychologist or a social services adviser, and can even put them in touch with a lawyer who will handle divorce cases pro bono.
The Good Shepherd nuns also provide a shelter for abused women who have no family they feel they can turn to. At the five-room refuge in Damascus, the women receive psychological help and financial support until they become capable of facing life again. They can also learn a handicraft like knitting to help make them more independent.
Hotline staff appear on Syrian television talk shows regularly to draw attention to their work. In the past year, several articles have been published in the press describing the assistance that abused women can get.
Domestic violence has become a widely-discussed issue in the Arab world, and satellite TV channels carried repeated slots designed to raise awareness of the issue last month, to mark the international day dedicated to combating violence against women.
In Syria, analysts say there is some way to go before the silence that still surrounds domestic violence is broken. They say that stronger government policies are needed, not just initiatives by non-government groups.
“Domestic violence is seen as a private matter in our society,” said Nihad Tuhmaz, a professor of sociology at the Baath University in Homs. “The idea of a hotline is new to our society, which doesn’t usually take new things on board easily.”
Tuhmaz said that most of the women who dared to use the hotline and talk about their problems are educated, and in any case many others, especially in rural areas, do not have access to this kind of help.
Umm Ammar, who is from a village near Homs, is still grieving for her daughter, who died recently after her husband hit her with a shovel. Her daughter remained in a coma in a hospital in Tartus for ten days before dying..
“She used to come to us in tears every time her husband beat her up badly,” said Um Ammar. “Once, her skin was badly bruised because her husband had tied her up with a thick rope.”
The husband is now is custody.
The lack of laws that specifically address domestic violence remains an obstacle to change. Local human rights advocates have worked on designing a draft law to address this issue and lobby for the protection of abused women. The Syrian government has still not made any steps to endorse the law.
There is also growing pressure to change laws under which those convicted of so-called “honour crimes” against female family members they accuse of immorality get more lenient sentences than the standard penalties for criminal assault.
(Syria News Briefing, a weekly news analysis service, draws on information and opinion from a network of IWPR-trained Syrian journalists based in the country.)
It seemed like a rather new relationship at the time, and he remembers how she was thankful for his help with the dinner dishes. I mean REALLY thankful almost shocked that he would do that at all! He mentioned - as he shook his head in amazement - how this man had certain hours placed aside that she was 'allowed' to vaccum so it didn't interrupt his television viewing. His peace and quiet that he needed in the evenings so he could relax. He really seemed disturbed at his views on how he would only pay for college for one child, and NOT partcipate in the other ones need for tuition. THAT child stayed at his home more often, and had the luxury of sleeping his basement. He now had a new wife, and 'their' children slept upstairs. He was done with them - his older children. The way he spoke to them, and about them just sent this man's head swimming that he could treat his own children this way. 
You remember this scene? I remember flying into California for a wedding, and we were all glued to the TV for a short period of time in the bar in the reception hall because of the outright shock we were all in! I liked OJ Simpson, and my heart just sank as I saw him drive down that highway. The highway wasn't even far from the reception I was at. We did all RUSH back to our seats when the wedding party arrived!
I remember as the trial when on I was getting a huge sick feeling in my gut! That man I felt was a handsome football player RETIRED was actually capable of murder.
“Your honor, I stand before you today sorry. I didn’t want to hurt any of these guys. I know these guys. These guys have eaten in my home. I’ve done book reports with their kids. I’ve sung to their mothers when they were sick. You know I wasn’t there to hurt anyone. I just wanted my personal things and I realize that was stupid of me. I’m sorry.“
I know I have mentioned others in the past, but I wanted to introduce you to a new one. It seems also very well moderated.
If there is one thing different about this God of ours, it is that He goes after the ones that all the other groups forget, or purposely exclude, or even outrightly despise. He’s the God who leaves the 99 to go get the 1, who will search the house for the lost coin, who will hear the prayers of a sinner because of the sinner’s humility, yet closes off His ears to the one who basks in his own righteousness. He is the God of whom women sing, “He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Yet, in the name of this very God, we are handed books or “doctrines” or systems of thought that promote exaltation of the strong. What happens to the weak when they cry out for help? The advice to them goes something like,“Try harder. Do more. You didn’t do it the right way. Try harder. The problem is you, not the system, never the system. If it fails you, that’s only because you failed it. Try harder. Do more.”
And if you dare to ask where Jesus went in all of it, you will be scolded and reminded of your failure. Because if you would have just tried harder, Jesus would have blessed you. The verse in Titus is rewritten, and the new song is, “Sanctification by works, not of grace, lest any man should think the power came from God.” Work harder. Do more. And for God’s sake, don’t question the authority of the system. You’ll never get your picture in the magazine that way.
YES if you try harder, and be a better servant things will turn around for you! If you wouldn't do things that make him so mad you can avoid the bruises. If you would do things to GIVE and not GET maybe he wouldn't be so frustrated! He is the HEAD, and he is the authority in your home - blessed are those that respect that role!Thus says the Lord, ‘Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed, deliver him from the power of his oppressor” - Jeremiah 22: 3a
Patriarchy, in some homes, concentrates all power into the hands of an oppressor. What happens to the wife when she speaks out, if she ever does? She is told to hush. She is told that respectful women won’t talk about it. She goes to her bookshelf of marriage books for help, for counsel, for guidance. There, she reads books that counsel her to be more submissive, that her husband’s behavior will change if she can just reach the right level of submission. She reads books that tell her to speak in a child-like tone and to act like a young girl, to help her husband feel important. She reads books that tell her that good wives will never never NEVER speak about their husband’s in a negative way, no matter what. “Biblical” patriarchy isn’t delivering this woman from her oppressor. It is handing her to him on a platter, and telling her to smile cheerfully while they’re at it, or God will not be pleased.
Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they refuse to confront sin. Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they ignore the bruises on the outside and those within. When you get to legalistic about this they add to those bruises, and to me it seems like punishment for dirty mess you brought into the bubble.This is what patriarchy gives to men like that. Complete and total power. What does it give to their wives? Hell. A hell that is “God’s Way,” a hell that is, “Biblical,” a hell that they are required to smile about, to accept with joy. If women in homes like these wonder whether patriarchy really is God’s way, they are told that they are walking in rebellion, have left the Scriptures, are being deceived by Satan or even have left the faith.
Is a system God’s way, when it creates more oppression than was there before? Is a system God’s way, when it leaves the weak and the broken in a state of being worse off than before? Is a system God’s way, when it takes the healthy and pulls them down, limb by limb—when it offers condemnation instead of healing, derision towards the wounded, even as it inflicts the wounds, instead of compassion and mercy?
What answer does the patriarchy camp have for these thoughts of mine? I don’t know. I am one of the weak and the broken. They have no ears for people like me.Is this not the fact which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke? - Isaiah 58
FOCUS Ministries is a not-for-profit organization devoted to offer hope, encouragement, education, and assistance to women who are struggling in difficult circumstances, especially dysfunctional marriages, spousal abuse, separation or divorce.
Based in Illinois, FOCUS Ministries provides help for women suffering the horror of domestic violence and for those who want to help.
I wanted to call people's attention to a woman I know that has been working with abuse victims online. Her site is called, "Jesus Heals Abuse". I have known Minister Jacky Hughes for a number of years, and she has a big heart for the Lord. She is from the UK, and if you enjoy listening to podcasts Here is Jacky Hughes Message of Love about her site.
Religion can play role in domestic abuse
By Mike Ford, The Delphos Herald
Published: Saturday, November 15, 2008 Print E-mail By MIKE FORD
The Delphos Herald
Christian churches are a staple of many communities across the region and the nation. They provide valuable moral guidance, support and social services.
However, the religion can have a negative psychological affect when a person who never feels “good enough” is caught in a cycle of “sinning,” repenting and praying for forgiveness only to “beat themselves up” for repeating the cycle. Regardless of how bad the behavior really is, the guilt and shame can be perpetuated by religious beliefs and manipulated by an abusive spouse.
The Delphos Public Library will host a talk on the subject at 6:30 p.m. Monday by Kathy Boaz, the director of Van Wert Crisis Care. She oversees a 20-bed shelter where abused women can stay for 90 days while transitioning out of an unhealthy relationship, if they choose to not return to it. She says there are several ways religion can be harmful, including denial.
“A lot of times, the church may not welcome discussion. I know a woman whose church does not want to believe she’s in an abusive relationship because they know him and think he’s a very nice, likable guy. Well, he is a very nice, likable guy. However, in the home, you have other things that do take place and, sometimes, a church doesn’t want to face the situation and this makes it hard for the wife to come forward. It’s a very taboo subject that nobody wants to talk about and the women are afraid of being ostracized in church,” she said.
When a husband with control issues uses his wife’s religious beliefs against her, he can gain further control over her. She may feel as though God will withhold approval if she fails to submit to her husband’s “authority” as God’s “head” of the household. Boaz says this can prohibit her from giving herself permission to leave the abusive relationship.
“They feel like they need permission to leave and they don’t get it sometimes. I know a woman who got very upset with her pastor. She said ‘wait a minute; I’m the victim and you’re making me feel like it’s all my fault.’ That made it very difficult for her to go back to that church and sit under that pastor,” she said.
An unhealthy approach to religion can reinforce a person’s poor self-esteem by placing a heavy emphasis on performance, which can contribute to a co-dependent dynamic in the home.
“When a woman is in an abusive relationship, there is almost always some form of co-dependence that hinders her recovery process. It becomes very difficult for her to separate from him; I call it a ‘soul tie.’ The two have a deep bond and she feels very attached, or tied, to him. That tie isn’t usually broken when she leaves the relationship and most people don’t even know they need to break a soul tie. Then, they go on to repeat their behaviors by gravitating toward the same type of man because the soul tie was never broken. This is why women will look for the same type of man they just left. They’re conditioned to it and it’s familiar; it seems normal to them,” she said.
Not only does this factor in for the individual but it often spreads to children.
“What we often see at the shelter is second and third generation of abused women - it’s normal to them. A woman may not even recognize it as abuse because it may not be as bad as what her mother went through,” she said.
Boaz also says many abused women become confused and “don’t even know who to listen to anymore.” However, the confusion is not limited to domestic violence.
“Everything has a ‘voice.’ Everything in your life speaks to you and you have to permit yourself to take control over who you allow to speak to you and who you’re going to listen to. By the time women come to us, they have the self-talk in their head, the voices of friends and the voices of family members. Everybody is telling them what they should do. It drowns out the sound of their own voice and they need to be able to just be quiet so they can sort through things and find their own voice again,” she said.
Boaz says breaking destructive cycles requires a great deal of effort to overcome one’s conditioning.
“You have to radically change paths if you want to truly be free. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it will require effort to make a change because it won’t seem natural. You’re conditioned to bad habits and patterns. You have to change your thought patterns. You have to make different choices concerning your surroundings and the people you allow to be around you in order to get a different outcome. If you keep doing the same things, you’ll keep getting the same results. You have to take control over your conditioning and that’s not easy,” she said.
In Pursuit of Happiness: Elizabeth's Story, 'Why Won't You Help Me?' Save Email Print
Posted: 4:31 PM Nov 20, 2008
Last Updated: 11:21 PM Nov 20, 2008
Reporter: Liz Hayes
Email Address: lhayes@wsaw.com
For many people experiencing difficulties in life, reaching out to their church or community of faith seems like a good move.
But one area victim of domestic violence says that wasn't the case for her.
Continuing our series, 'In Pursuit of Happiness,' Liz Hayes shares Elizabeth's story. She's a woman who contacted her church when she discovered she was in an abusive relationship, but says they blamed her.
"I have wanted to be married and be a mother ever since I was a little girl. I love having a family. I want to be married, I want to have all my children live with me. I don't have that right now," she said.
44-year-old Elizabeth didn't have the perfect childhood, but as a married woman things got really tough after tragedy struck....the death of the couple's 8-month-old daughter.
"At her funeral the pastor said through this experience you will either become bitter or better."
She says her husband began attacking her emotionally after the enormous loss. On the anniversary of the child's death... the couple had a disagreement. According to police reports, it escalated to violence.
Elizabeth says her husband grabbed her and threw her onto the bed, her head crashing into the wall.
"He then came on top of me, he had me down with one arm, I was on my side and he began to beat me with his fist, including a punch in the head."
She screamed for her daughter to call 911.
"I took the phone from her and I dialed 911. My husband ran to the phone base and unplugged it."
Elizabeth's husband was arrested. A religious woman, she reached out to their church for help.
"When I went to the church one of the responses was, "Are you sure that he hit you?" "Yes, I'm positive he hit me."
"He has been in church leadership positions, in which he has been highly respected."
She soon discovered her social circle was slipping away.
"We like the way he looks in public, so he must be that way with you."
"My integrity has been questioned, my interpretation of the events has been questioned, and I have been repeatedly told that what he's telling me is correct."
She says the church leaders caused more pain to an already painful situation, adding churches need to become more educated on domestic violence.
"Please help me. I can't take this anymore and I don't know what to do, will you please help me?"
The court system, however, did help.
Her husband plead guilty to battery and was sentenced to one year probation and counseling.
Elizabeth discovered The Women's Community and for once felt validated.
"For the first time I felt like someone understood what I was saying. I had no idea what this power and control was all about."
And Elizabeth says she has a new church community where she is finding the support she needs.
But she says things are still tough. She and her husband are separated, plus she endures physical therapy for her injuries. However, she's finally in control of her own life and will forever be in pursuit of happiness.
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on Interstate 95 on Friday. Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off.
The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and the man then allegedly ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield.
The man was freed on $7,500 bail.
Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved.
Emmanuelle Rodriguez, 19, was reportedly picked up by his girlfriend and seven-month-old son from his mother's house in Port St Lucie, Florida.
The alleged incident took place on Interstate 95, as the couple were travelling north to their new apartment in Fort Pierce.
Following an argument, Rodriguez knocked off his girlfriend's glasses and nearly caused a traffic pile-up.
According to the report, the victim told police that Rodriguez got angry while she drove and "started to hit her in the arm and striking her in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off her face."
The victim nearly lost control of the vehicle because she couldn't see the road. Rodriguez then ripped off the rear view mirror and used it to beat and shatter the windshield. She exited I-95 and told Rodriguez to get out and get his mother to pick him up.
According to Sun-Sentinel.com, Rodriguez told investigators that he argued, and he "didn't want to hit her so he threw a sandwich at her striking her in the face knocking her glasses off."
The type of sandwich thrown was not disclosed in the report.
Rodriguez was released on £5,000 bail from the St Lucie county jail, according to the report.
ladies, the man is not talking to the men here. He doesn't have to adress the brokeness of the man, he is dealing with the wife and her actions. He did a very good job doing this. You see we do have a choice to submit even to an abusive husband. God says to do it but we still have a choice. It is our actions as women he is dealing with.
I would like to see his write up to the men, which I am sure he has one.
There is a much truth to this thread but there is an underlying lie too many are believing also. Many men out there are jerks, but lets face it, with all the drama we as women put out, there are very few that are innocent. Women get into relationships they should have never been in in the first place. They don't have the blessing of their parents, and they don't usually really know the guy they marry.
I think we both realize he isn't addressing the men. That's quite clear. I don't think myself or anyone else would give the spiritual green light for the behavior he mentioned either.
I disagree if you are talking of the sin of domestic violence that you are NOT to address the broken nature of the person that is commiting that legal crime. Remember it is illegal. He is a criminal in the eyes of the law, and the behaviors that the man listed aren't going to save his behind in the front of a judge. Are you saying they should? They should in the eyes of the church? Would God agree with that? I don't think so. God would wish this broken person to be healed from the urge to hurt others in the sense. No one should submit to being abused due to some sin someone else feels they have commited against them - even if they DID do it! There is no excuse, and what this author left out is their doesn't have to a sin involved in order to be abused. Ask a victim of child abuse or other victims of violence crime! They shouldn't have to be abused because they didn't get their parents approval or went to fast into the relationship either. That is giving excuses so people don't have to deal with it.
Victims are about as innocent as you and I are. Its NOT okay in my eyes to blindly sit back and allow abuse because they didn't have the tools that others did at the time they married. Once they are healthy enough to start making changes in their lifes...to say you made your bed way back when in the days you were not innocent and didn't have the tools to make the decision we as soceity feels you should have made. Chances are very good that man or woman you are speaking to came from abused home, and felt they did better than their parents did. Come to find out their spouse was just a better charmer. Allowing those people to stew in their juices of past generations doesn't stop the cycle of violence - it allows it to continue. Don't you see that?
Allowing the jerk man as you put it and the drama lady no hope to grow and become healhier because its easy to blame them isn't going to make this world a better place. Standing up and confronting sin, and having no toleration for it will. We aren't going to make any changes in this world unless we grow a backbone, and encourage others to do the same.
When one starts to grow we need to encourage that, and not tell them they aren't innocent. You have a choice to submit to abuse. Not everyone grew up in the Christian bubble, and were geared to make good choices. If that was the requirements of the Christain life maybe we need to list that on the door before people walk in. They will then have the choice if they want to see if they should take the risk of being denied fellowship.
I'll never forget the day I realized that I had been lied to all my life by what I had been taught in the church. I saw them handing over extra burdens to the abused instead of helping. I thought it was just a mistake. WHen I realized the denial was so deep and so thick I can't tell you how hard I cried, and how completely heart broken I was. I felt betrayed! My parents had told me if I was ever in trouble to go to your church fellowship. I never realized that there was conditions on that - I was that naive! I'm passionate about this because I see this HUGE error, and I don't know HOW to turn on the light! Both parties need to be healed, and they need separate help! They didn't bring this on themselves, because the world of broken people raise broken children. No one is innocent, and they shouldn't have to be to receive help. That help at times needs to be more than words and prayers.
SOceity at times is also blinded by denial, but the church in my eyes should be more step ahead of that denial. Instead I see the holy hush where there should be a shattered silence. I refuse to validate any of the sins that man listed, but to say that is an excuse for domestic violence.....that is where I draw the line! You see you don't have to any of those things on the list to be abused, and NO people aren't innocent either! There is a video on youtube regarding a 20/20 show. She spoke of how she landed in her hole, and how she felt she landed there. If you listen to how he addressed her in the video you can see clearly the irrational mindset of domestic violence. She didn't do a darn thing except ask him what he wanted for lunch! He instructed his son to pick up a video camera to tape him berating and abusing his wife. Why? To use a a tool for family night to show the kids what a bad person mommie is. That's the reality of domestic violence - its a sick broken mindset of the abuser. We need to stop making excuses for them. She was scared to reach out, and unless we figure out a way of fixing that bottleneck so it feels safer to others.......that will also continue the cycle of violence. We need to help them feel strong enough to face it. To grow past it. Those kids in the video will struggle all their lifes to make sure they don't follow their parents NOT so innocent path. We need to tell people we will be there no matter what path they go down, and stop throwing out the spiritual pixie dust as a solution.
Feds Focus on Disabled as Hidden Victims of Abuse
Run Date: 11/28/08
By Annemarie Taddeucci
WeNews correspondent
Women with disabilities often feel left out of domestic-violence shelters and unable to communicate with hotline operators. A national meeting in December may help spotlight a hidden population of abuse victims and survivors.
(WOMENSENEWS)--Domestic violence among women with disabilities rarely if ever gets this kind of national attention.
But next month, representatives from 150 programs that receive funding from the Department of Justice's Office on Violence Against Women will meet in Nashville, Tenn., to discuss this particular safety problem.
Cindy Dyer, executive director of the Office on Violence Against Women--which provides $10 million in yearly funds to state and community organizations--said the focus of the Dec. 16-17 meeting will be on improving coordination between disability-service providers and the array of institutions involved with domestic violence: battered women's shelters, the police and the courts.
"One thing we do know is that we need to be able to provide a victim with all the different services that she needs wherever in the system she falls," said Dyer.
Dyer said women with mental disabilities are a particular concern because abusers will often consider them less likely to report abuse or be believed.
Karen, a woman with multiple physical and congenital disabilities, said that has been true in her own case.
Because she feared being identified by her current abuser, she only agreed to be interviewed if her real name was not published. She said service providers have been unwilling and unable to help her.
"I've been abused by caregivers, family, boyfriends, nurses and doctors, and even by other disabled people my entire life," Karen told Women's eNews recently. She was contacted through an online support group for people with disabilities.
'I've Been Turned Away'
Karen said she has been forced to deal with counselors with no training in disability issues, including social workers on an abuse hotline. "Battered women's programs have literally turned me away because of my disabilities," she said. "My church gave me the cold shoulder as well."
Karen thinks service providers often don't consider the possibility of domestic violence among people with disabilities. She said she is often told that she must be exaggerating and her abusive caregiver is the one who is treated like an "overstressed victim."
"It's made out to be my fault because I haven't done the 'sensible' thing of resigning my life and moving into a nursing home."
While men with disabilities are susceptible to domestic abuse the problem is worse for women because they, as a group, are five to eight times more likely to suffer from domestic violence by intimate partners than are men, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.
Women in the United States with disabilities are significantly more likely to suffer from domestic violence than are other women.
Estimates differ, but the Atlanta-based Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in October that 37 percent of women with disabilities report intimate partner abuse as compared to 21 percent of women without disabilities.
This figure does not include violence suffered at the hands of caregivers or family members who are not intimate partners.
Many Shelters Inaccessible
Many battered women's resources are not accessible to people with disabilities. Safe havens and the legal system may not be equipped to deal with a victim who is deaf or cognitively impaired, for example.
The Office for Women in Westchester County, New York, is beginning to move into this neglected area of abuse prevention.
In partnership with the Westchester County's Office for the Disabled, the women's office is currently conducting one of the first local studies in the nation on rates of abuse among women with disabilities.
The joint effort--which works with shelters and other providers of nonresidential services for sufferers of domestic violence--hopes to gain more information about such incidences among residents of Westchester County. The agencies were founded five years apart about three decades ago.
Camille Murphy, director of the Office for Women, said the idea arose when she and her colleagues noticed over the years that "although all of our shelters are accessible, the use of them by disabled people had become real."
Last spring, Westchester County was "able to turn a direct focus on the issue," says Murphy. Soon thereafter surveys were sent to 350 police departments, elected officials, battered women's shelters and disability service providers.
To date the county has collected about 10 percent of the surveys and expects to complete the data collection process in January 2009.
Murphy said 70 percent of those women with disabilities surveyed so far have been abused by caregivers, including both family members and professionals.
When the research is complete, Murphy said she and her colleagues hope to better understand how to provide services that address the unique needs of domestic violence victims who have a disability.
Murphy says that in addition to encouraging community outreach, Westchester County expects to be able to create a "more formal network of service providers," who will have been trained in disability sensitivity and accessibility issues in order to more directly concentrate on these needs.
Model of Comprehensive Services
One group that might provide Murphy with a model is New York City's Barrier Free Living. Established over 25 years ago, it offers comprehensive services for people with disabilities and has been recognized by the U.S. Department of Justice as one of 12 model programs in the country.
The organization runs two programs for people with disabilities who are affected by abuse.
Freedom House, in operation since 2006, is the nation's first totally accessible crisis shelter. Offering food, clothing and occupational therapy, the safe haven has strobe lights that serve as alarms for deaf individuals, Braille signage for the blind and a completely wheelchair friendly design.
It was developed for both abuse survivors with disabilities and those survivors with children who have disabilities. In short, the shelter primarily serves individuals and families affected by disability and domestic violence, housing 95 residents at a time for up to four-and-a-half months.
Nonresidential intervention services--such as counseling and safety planning--are provided by the Secret Garden, the second program run by Barrier Free Living.
Secret Garden services include help with placement in residences, lining up future home care, medical care and schooling for children.
Between the 44-apartment Freedom House and the intervention services of the Secret Garden, Paul Feuerstein, president of Barrier Free Living, estimates that the organization served 2,000 victims of abuse last year, most of whom were women and children.
"We have worked with women from 13 different states and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, who have come to us for services because they haven't been able to find the accessible shelters where they are," Feuerstein said.
Annemarie Taddeucci, a quadriplegic, is a writer and journalist, as well as a graduate student in the forensic mental health counseling program at John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
This story, part of our New Writers Program, was funded by the McCormick Tribune Foundation.
Women's eNews welcomes your comments. E-mail us at editors@womensenews.org.
Women's Silent Pleas Are Heard by Seattle Facility
Run Date: 11/20/06
By Molly M. Ginty
WeNews correspondent
Seattle has opened the first transitional housing facility in the United States for deaf domestic violence survivors, with special alarms to signal for help. Fourth in "Dangerous Trends, Innovative Responses" eight-part series.
(WOMENSENEWS)--Faith Stinson never heard the screams.
When she opened her bedroom door, she found her 6-year-old son trembling and sobbing in the hallway. Her boyfriend had berated the boy, then locked him outside her room. Stinson, who is nearly deaf but who was not wearing hearing aids at the time, didn't hear the barrage of insults or her son wailing and pounding on her door.
"My ex tormented my son, made scenes in public and stalked me while I was at work," says Stinson, a Seattle writer whose name has been changed to protect her privacy and safety. "Through it all, he took advantage of his hearing and my inability to catch everything others said."
One night in September, Stinson's ex raped her. Shortly afterward, she and her son moved to A Place of Our Own, a new program that is run by the Seattle nonprofit Abused Deaf Women's Advocacy Service and that houses deaf women and their children as they transition from leaving their batterers to living independently.
"A Place of Our Own is the first of its kind in the United States, and probably in the world," says Marilyn Smith, the facility's director, who is deaf herself and who helped found Abused Deaf Women's Advocacy Services in 1986 after a local deaf woman was murdered by her husband. "Deaf victims deserve a housing program that is designed specifically for them and where they are among other deaf victims in an environment that is deaf-friendly."
Abused Deaf Women's Advocacy Services is helping to launch replication projects in 15 communities across the nation in Austin, Texas; Columbus, Ohio; Denver; Des Moines, Iowa; Detroit; Honolulu; Minneapolis, Minn.; Philadelphia; Rochester, N.Y.; Salt Lake City; Tampa, Fla.; Washington, D.C; in the states of Wisconsin and Vermont; and in the San Francisco Bay Area. It also has 28 other communities on its waiting list.
"This program fills a critically important niche," says Nancy J. Bloch, CEO of the National Association of the Deaf, based in Silver Spring, Md. "It serves as an exemplary model for others across the nation to emulate."
Universal Violence Rates
Deaf and hearing women experience domestic violence at roughly the same rate, with 1 in every 4 women affected during her lifetime. Women--whether gay or straight--are the victims in 85 percent of cases, according to the Washington-based National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
For both deaf and hearing women, the cycle of violence is the same: an eruption, a period of making up and restoring calm, the buildup of tension, then the next explosion. The pattern can be difficult to break because it becomes the norm, and also because of extenuating factors: children, money, housing and the stubborn hope that the situation might change.
But for the hard of hearing, who number 28 million in the United States, there are added complications.
"Victims may be unable to convey the truth to police or social service providers who don't speak sign language," says Smith, who was raped as a college student but whose attacker was not arrested because police could not understand her signing. "The abuser may even act as translator and repeatedly insist that nothing is wrong."
Emergency response teams that rely on 911 calls are not always designed to communicate with the deaf, and cell phones can only be used by the hearing.
If the abuser can hear, he may more readily find higher-paying work than his victim. Like Stinson's ex, he may be the breadwinner and homeowner in the relationship. Finding housing without the abuser can be daunting. Hard-of-hearing people seeking rental apartments face discrimination in 50 percent of cases, according to a 2005 governmental study.
"These are barriers to self determination that don't exist in the broader environment," says Cathy Hoog, an advocate specialist at A Place of Our Own.
Text Telephones and Interpreters
Over the past two decades, Abused Deaf Women's Advocacy Services has trained emergency personnel to identify deaf domestic violence victims and has put text telephones on Seattle's streets and American Sign Language interpreters in its police precincts.
It has created support groups, educational workshops and housing referral services for deaf victims. It has provided community education to 22,000 deaf and hearing people in addition to the thousands of deaf citizens it has served through the national deaf domestic violence hotline it helped create.
In August it launched A Place of Our Own, which is designed to accommodate 19 deaf women and their children. Costing $8.6 million to build and created with support from foundations, individuals, the city of Seattle, King County and the state of Washington, the facility has a projected annual operating budget of $1.5 million. The program recently received a $350,000 grant from the U.S. Department of Justice, and will use this money, appropriated through the Violence Against Women Act, to hire three more employees and bring its total staff to 19.
Currently managed by the YWCA of Seattle's King and Snohomish counties, the program expects to operate autonomously in three years.
Each of the facility's apartments includes TTYs--teletypewriters that enable the deaf to use the telephone--and lighting systems that signal children's cries, doorbells, fire alarms and telephone rings.
Open Sightlines and Communal Design
The 32,256-square-foot, four-story building offers open sightlines so clients and staff can sign and lip read while in different rooms. Communal areas such as the dining room, study and garden are designed to promote interaction and build community among residents.
Staff members are fluent in American Sign Language and either have experience working with the deaf or are deaf themselves. Working with clients one-on-one and in groups, they provide therapy, parenting classes, child care, job skills training, and legal and medical advocacy.
"All of this makes this a safe place for deaf victims, and makes them less tempted to go back to their abusers," says Rob Roth, a member of the program's steering committee and the former director of San Francisco's Deaf Counseling, Advocacy and Referral Agency.
The facility accepts clients who earn 30 percent of Seattle's median income--setting its income limit at $18,700 for one mother and a single child--and charges clients less than 30 percent of their income in rent. Residents and their children may stay for up to two years.
So far the facility has only four residents, but administrators expect to be at full capacity by December.
Clients already have success stories to share. There is the boy who no longer slaps his mother to get her attention, as his father did. There is the progress made by Faith Stinson and her son, who are launching a new life together.
"I'm undergoing counseling to work through the changes that have affected both of us," says Stinson. "This is a place where both of us can feel secure and safe."
Molly M. Ginty is a freelance writer based in New York City.
Women's eNews welcomes your comments. E-mail us at editors@womensenews.org.
This series is supported by a special grant from Mary Kay Inc.
Get Updates Regularly!
By Submitting your email address:
| Emotional Abuse and Your Faith © 2009. All Rights Reserved | Template by My Blogger Tricks .com |
