There are so many people living in desperation and isolation, looking at the church being silent, and hearing that silence as even coming from God himself. It’s time that they at least have an acknowledgment that what has happened to them has been soul-altering and life-changing.
The following letter is a tool that I have written. My desire is that it be sent to pastors to help open their eyes to the misuse of power and control in their churches, and to caution them regarding how very easily any of us can become guilty of lording it over our people.
In particular, I want to assist pastors and church leaders to understand that one extremely common scenario which is occurring in our conservative, Bible-believing churches with alarming regularity, concerns how we are mishandling cases of abuse (both domestic and sexual) that are brought to our attention and/or occurring right under our noses within our own congregations.
Readers are freely granted permission to reproduce this letter and use it to good ends. Please do not alter or change the wording. We would be very interested in hearing from anyone who uses this as a tool to call the body of Christ to justice and wisdom in dealing with the oppressed.
To the Glory of the Lord Jesus Christ, Pastor Jeff Crippen, Tillamook, Oregon
This is Pastor Jeff’s introduction, and I encourage you to go and read it. He also has given you the permission to share it word for word. You may also share it with your pastor or church as well. It’s a letter FROM a pastor to other PASTORS!
In the letter he speaks of a journey he and his church went on. How they had to take certain traditions of the church, and place them on their heads. I highly doubt most churches or clergy mean to come across with the wrong type of message, but I have to admit they do seem to hard headed at times to go against a tradition that seriously needs to be looked at. I call it tradition, because quite frankly that is all it is. They feel it is truth, but when their truth oppresses so many people? They seriously need to take a closer glance don’t you think?
Why is Loving You Hurting Me?, by Frederick D. Haynes III is a very touching article about domestic violence in the church. He speaks very clearly about the silent on this issues, and the suffering of those that we pretend are not there.
Well, let me see if I can make this plain by focusing the lens even more. There is no sadder story than the one of Tamar, found in the thirteenth chapter of second Samuel. Tamar is the daughter of King David, and Tamar happens to be extremely beautiful, yet, Tamar soon discovered that the beauty she had going for her ended up being used against her. I think I'll park here, parenthetically, because for some of you, what you have going for you has been sadly used against you. Perhaps it's the way God has blessed you to look; perhaps it's the education you have been blessed to achieve; but whatever the case, it is some gift that God has blessed you with, that sadly, has turned out to be something that haters and others are using against you. This happens to Tamar. The Book says that she is exceedingly beautiful and yet, her beauty gets her in trouble. Why? Because she has a half-brother, by the name of Amnon, and Amnon begins to lust after her. Amnon is so crazy with lust for Tamar that the Bible says: he became sick because of his love for her. Amnon is a sick man because Amnon wants to have his own sister. Sick people do sick things that will infect and affect others who are around them.
You may know what it's like to be sick and you may be doing things that are making you sick. Not only are you making yourself sick, but your "sickness" is infecting and affecting others that you supposedly care about. Not only is Amnon sick, but to heal this sickness, he consults with his street smart cousin, who tells him how to get with his own sister. He lets his father, David, know that he is sick, and he wants his sister, David's daughter, to come and feed him out of her hand. The Bible says that David allows Tamar to go to her sick brother, and when she got there Amnon made her cook the food that he desired. As soon as the food was ready, the Bible says that Amnon had everybody put out; he then went into his bedroom and called in Tamar. Tamar innocently went into the room of Amnon and he raped her.
Can you not hear the helpless screams of Tamar as she says, please don't do this? This is a terrible thing to do. But being physically stronger than Tamar, Amnon because of his sickness, takes advantage of Tamar. Imagine how Tamar must have felt. She must have felt something similar to what Ludacris articulates in the song, "Runaway Love," about poor little Lisa: Forced to think that hell is a place called home.
For some of you, the one thing you don't want to do is go home. As a matter of fact, for some people the one place they look forward to not going to is home. Some of you spend as much time away from home as you can because of the hell you are catching at home. Why? Because I've discovered that hell is not merely an eschatological destination that you will go to after you die if you are without Christ; hell can be an existential situation that you find yourself in, even if you love Christ. In other words, hell can come to you right where you live. That is what happened to Tamar. Tamar is a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault. I'm dealing with this because sadly and shamefully, domestic violence has become the pink elephant in the living room of the African-American community. Some of us go to church, Sunday after Sunday, not realizing that there are people in our pews, sitting there, silently suffering. Yes, they are praising God, but they are internally shattered and broken by the hell they are catching at home.
Cheesehead in Paradise speaks of a roommate she had in college that she didn't recognize right away as a victim of domestic violence. She speaks of how her roommate changed over time. She speaks of the controlling nature of the abuse, and at times the phony type of love that others offer victims when they ask for help.
And in every story in the Bible where Jesus encounters those who have been victimized by power, Jesus always answers with grace, with love. Not the kind of phony “love” that must beat a person to keep them down, but a love that builds up. Christ always invites a love and a relationship that is about trading places. Christ invites us not to become or create victims, but to lower ourselves willingly to serve another, just as they are serving us. Christ will indeed be martyred, but he recognizes that our call is not to be subservient to our fellow humans to the point of our own demise or victimization, but instead to live in service to others in relationships of mutuality. The power of Christ in the world, and the truth of the gospel are a great equalizer: we succeed together, we fail together. We are faithful together and we falter together.
If I had known then what I know now about abuse and violence and power, I would have probably tried much harder to get my friend away from her boyfriend. But I didn’t. In fact, they got married one week after Blue Eyes and I did, and I lost track of them completely. I do not know if there was ever a transformative moment in their lives, whether he was able to get the help he needed to realize how his own sense of extremely low self-worth, and his endless quest for power in the absence of self-esteem was destroying others around him. I don’t know if she ever fully understood that she was beautiful, strong and beloved as a daughter of God. I don’t even know if she is still alive, honestly. Many women and men who find themselves in those unbalanced relationships do not survive. They fall victim to a love that wounds, that destroys, and overpowers and minimizes. In other words, a love that is not real.
The love for each other to which we are called by Christ—the love which he modeled for us in his living and in his dying and in his resurrection—is a love that asks us to be willing to trade places with others, it asks us to be brave in the face of adversity, and to lean unto Christ when we cannot be brave. It affirms that we are created good and strong and beautiful and that we are beloved of our creator. It requires that we remember who we are and Whose we are, so that we never misuse power against others. It behooves us to deal gently with those who are victims and to trade fear for justice in the lives of those who victimize. It challenges, it builds up, it accepts the love of another, it transforms. And it never hurts. Thanks be to God. Amen.
He uses the term, 'levanten la cabeza' which I looked up and mentioned it meant 'lift his head'
Levanten la cabeza. When facing the worst of life, up unto the end of the world, levanten la cabeza. Christians are to be characterized by an attitude of hope, active hope. Levanten la cabeza.
This commandment is important for us today, because many of us already know what it is to live in a destroyed world. For many in our society, in our family, the world has already come to an end. Their world has been torn down by poverty, by racism, by sexism, by depression, by disease. So many in our society live in a destroyed world. This command has deep meaning for those facing a world destroyed: levanten la cabeza.
When we encounter systems that seek to destroy our humanity, or the humanity of our neighbor, levantando la cabeza, lifting up our heads, is a radical action. Levantando la cabeza means confronting the systems that sinfully seek to deny our identidad, identity, as beloved children of God. Levantando la cabeza means standing up for our rights, and the rights of others. Levantando la cabeza means hoping actively through seeking justice, through pursuing education, through organizing. Levantando la cabeza means claiming our social identity as God’s beloved community, and enacting the justice and love that characterizes that community.
The commandment has social implications, and also personal implications. We have a responsibility to allow the command to levantar la cabeza to transform the way we live our personal lives, our family lives. When we find ourselves in places of depression, of unemployment, of sickness, Jesus commands us to levantar las cabezas, to live into our identity as children of God, beloved creatures.
Whatever attitude or person desiring to negate our identity as beloved daughters and sons, querida/os hija/os de Dios, is sinful. There are few people I have more respect for in life than my friends who have stood up, who have levantado la cabeza in the face of domestic violence. They have claimed their identity as children of God. They have said, you cannot treat me this way for I am a beloved child of God. I am inspired by their courage. I believe this is the kind of action Jesus commands when he says, “levanten la cabeza.”
Today we begin the church season we call Advent. We begin what we call “a season of expectation.” What Jesus’ command, to levantar la cabeza, says to us is that as we wait, we hope. Esperamos con esperanza. We have a commandment that guides our attitude about expectation.
We lift up our heads, because we already know the end of the story. I don’t mean I know the end of the story specifically. I wish I was one of those preachers who could prophesy the end of the world for you. I wish I could point out exactly who was the antichrist, and give you the hour and time of the second coming. I could make a lot more money that way, like the writers of the Left Behind series have. I could sell images of the last things. People love talking about the end times.
Some misguided Christian ministers advise, or even COMMAND abused wives to stay with their husbands, even if they or their children are in danger. Did Jesus set the example for this?
EEENO's World had a nice article about Thanksgiving. How one of her relatives volunteers at a domestic violence shelter, and how she had also thought about doing just this.
For the record, I have no idea why this type of abuse brings up such strong feelings within me--I didn't witness it growing up, and am not a victim myself. I saw a video on domestic abuse in my college "Women's Studies" course, and it absolutely chilled me to the core. That feeling has haunted me ever since. Such a feeling of utter helplessness. Horrifying. It's a vicious cycle---children who have witnessed domestic violence most likely will either choose a partner who is abusive, or will become abusers themselves. And so it continues.... I once heard a pastor say that everyone has a calling (obviously), but if there's an injustice that you just can't STAND, then there's a reason, and you have an obligation to take a stand to fix it. Makes sense to me---people are naturally more effective and successful in areas that they're passionate about. So, I've got some work to do. Back to Thanksgiving. The woman at the party was telling me how one of the kids she'd worked with sent her a card with that famous starfish story about how although throwing one shore-stranded starfish back into the sea may just seem like a drop in the bucket, to that one starfish it means everything! The girl wrote that she "was that one starfish". As I was sitting there sipping my coffee in a warm home, surrounded by happy people, children's laughter, pets, and a 2-table dinner spread, it suddenly hit me: We have SO MUCH to be thankful for in this country. Now, I know this. I KNOW. We hear it constantly. At Thanksgiving we're supposed to think about all of the things we're thankful for, blah blah blah, and I do. But this year, sitting there in the warm house, thinking about how some people have to walk for two DAYS just to fill a rusted pail with muddy water (that will eventually make their waiting family ill), how some children spend their lives scavenging through garbage dumps and will never have the simple luxury of squishing a playdough shark, how many people in the world would have DIED from the sinus infection I was getting over (when all that was needed to clear it was a $12 co-pay on some easily accessible antibiotics that I didn't even have to get out of the CAR to obtain--thank you drive-thru pharmacy), the true meaning of Thanksgiving hit me. THANKS.
To those who have been given much, much is expected.
I hope you enjoyed my list of 5 articles that I found regarding domestic violence and the church.
I was over at Women In Ministry when I stumbled upon advice from John Piper regarding submission and abuse.
If you would rather read the transcript please go to Women in Ministry site she has it there.
The John Piper's in the world need to know that NOT only are the women of his church being damaged, but his STUPIDITY is also damaging the children! That is going to effect our future generations of the church, and their tithes to keep their doors open and also help others.
I'm sorry but I have to look at this man's body language first of all. His giggle at the beginning was offensive for one thing. Its not funny, but a very serious issue.
When the women of his church that have been abused, and wake up and leave his church? John Piper is seriously going to wonder what happened. That's the sad part.
The John Piper's of the world need to step up, and educate themselves on domestic violence within the church. They need to go to a faith based domestic violence organization, and spend some time there. I'm talking about more the HI HELLO to the gate keeper.
This teaching is irresponsible and dangerous, and one day I can see the church getting their BUTTS sued off with the advice they give. He actually told women to take the verbal abuse 'for a season', and a smack down in the evening...then call him in the morning. Has John Piper lose his mind?
If those that are out and feel safe enough, and their children are willing? Have them sit down and write John Piper a letter about dealing with domestic violence within the church as a child.
Allow John Piper to hear from a child that realizes the church has told their Mommy that she needs to take verbal abuse for a season, and allow herself to be hit by Daddy. THEN the church will be called to help mommy with the aftermath. Ask the child to tell John Piper what effect that had on their life. John Piper doesn't seem to understand the damage it does to the WHOLE FAMILY! Domestic violence, and the even the types he giggles at like verbal abuse and emotional abuse DAMAGE Jesus's children!
You see to me the 'leader' of the home Mr. Piper has a responsibility as well.
You as a leader of the church need to sit these children down, and truly explain your position to them as they:
Hide under the beds
Cover their ears
And cry in fear!
I wonder if your position would change as you see the pain in their eyes, and damaging effects of their lifes! I wonder if submission at that point would be as important to you at that point. Do you think Jesus would see it your way?
What the Bible does tell us is this: Children have a special place in God’s heart and anyone who harms a child is inviting God’s wrath upon Him. Jesus welcomed little children to His side and said that the kingdom of God belongs to “such as these”. Mark 10:13 Guess what John Piper? That includes YOU as you lead your congregation to help HARM these children!
Your advice is damaging the children John Piper! You are allowing HARM by your giggle and mocking of this issue. Its real and it hurts. Its damaging, and you have allowed the cycle to continue to the next generation. You John Piper are enabler of abusive behavior. Shame on YOU!
Jesus had harsh words for anyone who would cause a child to stumble, “But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” The Bible tells parents to be gentle and loving with their children (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21).
It seems to me God it is abundantly clear how feels about the issue. Double check your notes, but if you give counsel to the Daddy that harms them? You can't claim ignorance ANYMORE!
You see YOUR LEADER of the home is also damaging the children, and the future generations of the church. You telling women that we don't need to hear from you until its done, and NOT tell her to call the police for her protection and those of the children? HELLO that's illegal in this country! SHAME ON YOU JOHN PIPER!
You are giving them the wrong image of God. You are telling them that the church, and our Lord Jesus would allow their mother to be mistreated, and for them to endure witnessing and living with that. You are telling them its acceptable. Do you think GOD would be pleased with that stand?
Please tell those children that submission teachings are MORE important, and I will tell you they will ask about the teaching for their Daddy. How are you going to answer them? He is the leader of the home? WILL THAT make them SLEEP BETTER?
Please let them know that you have to be SURE what type of abuse you are dealing with so you will know how to respond. Please tell them that one kind of pain from the abuser is better than the other please. They truly need to hear this from your pulpit. How about a children's sermon huh? Please tell the children the truth!
Children? Here is the address!
Desiring God
John Piper
2601 E Franklin Ave
Minneapolis, MN 55406
Children would you rather call? Call toll free! 1.888.346.4700
Please tell JOHN PIPER that your PAIN is important to GOD! Your witnessing of abuse is SIN in GOD'S EYES! Tell him you will pray for him - goodness knows the man needs it - and tell him you hope he sleeps WELL tonight!
John Piper's your Ignorance is Killing Children! SHAME ON YOU!
I found a video tonight as I was browsing. I have to say I was very touched, and at the end tears were coming down my cheeks as I listened to this pastor preach to his church about the sin of domestic violence.
He spoke of sexual abuse of children, and domestic violence within the church. He spoke of how scripture is used to keep people within homes where violence is taking place. He spoke of the damaging effects of emotional abuse, and he spoke of how the world (attitudes at times) pretty much sets up the abuse that happens.
He spoke of how Jesus would not wish others to stay in danger. He mentioned stories of how the cycle continues. You could hear the spirit and attitude in his voice, and you could HEAR the urgency! He mentions how he feels its the most unreported crime, and the stats are awful as they are. Its about 20 minutes.
In the 10 second mark you will notice the audio went out, and you see a lady RUN up and hand him a replacement mic! So its NOT your computer! Just wanted to warn you of their audio issue ahead of time.
I don't know how much longer google will host this video, so I also uploaded it to another location.
How people's lifes would change if they approach this issue like this pastor does!
Thisthewaith, a minister and President of a Chicago theological school, tells of a woman who had complained to her husband of his abuse and the scars she bore. He responded that her bones were his bones, as it said in the Bible – relating back to the story of Adam and Eve (“Every Two Minutes” 311). Other texts, such as 1 Peter 2:19-21 tell the faithful that they should suffer as Jesus suffered for them. As my colleague, Rev. Michael Tino writes, “If a woman is taught to believe that the pain inflicted by her abusive [partner] is a test of her faith and her willingness to keep her family together no matter what the personal cost, there is a problem with what she is being taught—not with her (Tino “Saving Paradise).”
Oh what a day that will be when the words are gentle and the homes are safe. It’s up to us, though. It’s up to us clergy to speak the truth in public at times like this. It’s up to us to teach our kids how to relate to one another and how to handle arguments. It’s up to us to reach out to one another in moments of grief and not to turn our heads when we see violence. Too often, way too often, I’ve heard the story of a woman who was abused in public, only to have people brush right by and go on with their day. “What business is it of mine,” they say and we should reply that truly Dr. King was right, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” We need not to take care of the woman with bruises; we need simply to be there with her. We need not to fix her problem, we need simply to let her know that she can survive and have a better life. We need not to make it all better for her; we need simply to end the cycle in our own lives.
Something that Rev. Rebecca Parker writes I know myself I have felt in the past, and I can't believe I'm the only one. Its sad when you think about it.
Rev. Rebecca Parker writes, “When I was in distress, I did not turn to my family or my church. In both places, I had learned that personal need had no place. The good person cares for others, but if she is hurt, frightened, confused or in need, these weaknesses are to be nursed in private, covered over or solved without bothering anyone else (Proverbs of Ashes 23).” From henceforth, know that this is a place where your hurt, fear, confusion and need are met with love and compassion. This place, this sacred space is for all of you, battered and broken, saddened and spiritless, happy and healthy. Our compassion for you will be carried in our hearts as we journey towards a world transformed by acts of love and justice.
Enjoy the sermon on domestic violence! I wanted to share today, and didn't want to hold on to it due to my cold. lol I'm a bit to foggy to write more! Blessings!
Someone asked this out of their heart though, “Does the Bible say it is alright to divorce a spouse who is abusing you. I think that’s an excellent question of Scripture.
It’s not like you can escape the pain. You think you are. There’s an immediate release when you divorce and you think I’ve escaped the pain but anyone in this room who has been divorced you could come up here and give testimony after testimony after testimony after testimony to say that, no, you don’t escape the pain.
There’s still a pain there. It’s a long-term pain. It may come years later when a son or daughter graduates from high school and they have to get back together somehow and make that thing work. It may come years later as you talk with a new spouse and an issue comes up that had come up in a previous marriage. You don’t escape the pain.
And I’d always rather choose a short-term pain and find God’s solution for a long-term gain than try and find a short-term solution that’s going to involve a long-term pain in life. And I take that to mean, and there are some Christians who disagree about this. But I believe that to mean that if someone abandons you that you are free to remarry.
Now the question is, why doesn’t it say anything about a Christian leaving a Christian? The Bible doesn’t say anything about that because it doesn’t speak as if that would ever happen. It can imagine an unbeliever leaving because an unbeliever isn’t going to follow… if an unbeliever leaves you and says, “hey, you have to stay married to me for the rest of your life. I’m going to go live with this other person, but tough. Or I’m just going to go out and do my own thing and whether it’s 20 or 30 or 50 years and you can’t remarry” — that doesn’t seem right, does it? It isn’t even Scriptural. The Bible talks about that.
So adultery is one, and abandonment is a second. I wish there were a third in the Scripture. Having been involved as a pastor in situations of abuse there’s something in me that wishes there was a Bible verse that says if they abuse you in this and such kind of way then you can leave them.
I want to tell you, the advice that we give, in our counseling ministries, first of all, if you’re in these kinds of situations, I strongly recommend that you take advantage of our lay counseling ministries. Go in and talk to someone and let them minister to you.
The advice that we give is not divorce but separation. You should not put up with the abuse. There is nowhere in the Bible that says you should put up with abuse. There is nowhere in the Bible that says it is an attitude of submission to let somebody abuse you. That is not submission.
And so we recommend very strongly, separation. Why do we? It’s the only way to healing, because there’s an abusive cycle that’s been set up. Separation combined with counseling has proven to provide healing in people’s lives.
Now whenever I talk about divorce, I talk about it with a great heart for what many of you have been through. Because I realized many of you look back on your lives, some of you were divorced before you were a believer in Christ. Does God hold you accountable for that like He would hold a believer accountable for that? No, of course not. You didn’t know. He doesn’t hold us accountable for what we don’t know.
So what if you were divorced after you were a believer? And as you look back on it now you’d say “I told myself it was for a right reason but I realize it was more my selfishness than anything else.” You have the maturity to admit that. I would remind you that although divorce is a sin, God forgives sin. There’s lots of sins out there. I gotta tell you, without God’s forgiveness in my life, not just before I became a Christian, but after I became a believer, I’d never make it into heaven, would you?
I say that, not to excuse divorce, because God hates divorce. But just to let you know the heart of God about this.
It seems Saddleback's Teaching Pastor Tom Holladay is the person actually stating the comments, but he is speaking for the whole church's position to me since they placed it on their website.
It seems to me that unless you have been directly impacted in some fashion regarding domestic abuse within the home that you may not be looking for scripture passages.
It’s not like you can escape the pain. You think you are. There’s an immediate release when you divorce and you think I’ve escaped the pain but anyone in this room who has been divorced you could come up here and give testimony after testimony after testimony after testimony to say that, no, you don’t escape the pain.
This quote really bothered me. They aren't separating and/or divorcing to 'escape the pain' as he puts it, but for safety and welling being. To stop the children from witnessing their parent being abused. To make sure their children KNOW that this behavior is unacceptable, and don't wish them to think its normal. They escape the abuse for all kinds of reasons, and most know that not all the pain is going to go away.
Are all those 'testimony after testimony' people ones that wanted to escape the abuse? I doubt it. I'm sure there are awful stories in other situations, but quit minimizing domestic violence! This man is speaking from ignorance of the damaging effects of domestic abuse, and YES some pain you do escape when you separate and divorce. I mean DUHHHHHhh here!
There’s still a pain there. It’s a long-term pain. It may come years later when a son or daughter graduates from high school and they have to get back together somehow and make that thing work. It may come years later as you talk with a new spouse and an issue comes up that had come up in a previous marriage. You don’t escape the pain.
Sigh. There is a long term pain in dealing with what happened to you. There is guilt, shame, remorse, mourning among others. There are habit patterns that you have that you realize you need to change in order to NOT fall into this trap again. I'm not talking remarriage here. I'm referring to all kinds of relationships.
You have to accept at times that your spouse refuses to look to themselves, and will continue to blame you for the rest of their days. You have to deal with the things they say to your children during visitation. You have to deal with those that Saddleback Church that tell you, "You can't escape the pain!" So we can't escape the pain within the relationship or out of it I guess. It doesn't matter if there is a HUGE difference between the two right? Having to live with it full time, and having no place to escape to compared to your own place with some sense of peace and safety isn't a reasonable expectation. Nope. Remember you son or daugther will graduate from high school one day, and you have to COME together for that! I have wonder if he realizes how completely insane that sounds???
And I’d always rather choose a short-term pain and find God’s solution for a long-term gain than try and find a short-term solution that’s going to involve a long-term pain in life. And I take that to mean, and there are some Christians who disagree about this. But I believe that to mean that if someone abandons you that you are free to remarry.
Now the question is, why doesn’t it say anything about a Christian leaving a Christian? The Bible doesn’t say anything about that because it doesn’t speak as if that would ever happen. It can imagine an unbeliever leaving because an unbeliever isn’t going to follow… if an unbeliever leaves you and says, “hey, you have to stay married to me for the rest of your life. I’m going to go live with this other person, but tough. Or I’m just going to go out and do my own thing and whether it’s 20 or 30 or 50 years and you can’t remarry” — that doesn’t seem right, does it? It isn’t even Scriptural. The Bible talks about that.
I'm sorry but this statement makes no sense when it comes to the subject matter. What has this got to do with someone abusing you within a marriage? The author stated pretty clear so far that he has no clue about dynamics within marriage in the realms of abuse. If I were guessing they feel abuse is an 'anger issue'. How much you want to bet? Separate and let us place your spouse into our 'anger' ministry. Abuse isn't about anger. They missed the boat once again.
So adultery is one, and abandonment is a second. I wish there were a third in the Scripture. Having been involved as a pastor in situations of abuse there’s something in me that wishes there was a Bible verse that says if they abuse you in this and such kind of way then you can leave them.
I want to tell you, the advice that we give, in our counseling ministries, first of all, if you’re in these kinds of situations, I strongly recommend that you take advantage of our lay counseling ministries. Go in and talk to someone and let them minister to you.
The advice that we give is not divorce but separation. You should not put up with the abuse. There is nowhere in the Bible that says you should put up with abuse. There is nowhere in the Bible that says it is an attitude of submission to let somebody abuse you. That is not submission.
And so we recommend very strongly, separation. Why do we? It’s the only way to healing, because there’s an abusive cycle that’s been set up. Separation combined with counseling has proven to provide healing in people’s lives.
They bible does speak about helping those oppressed, abused, in bondage, etc correct? If the party that is doing those things refuses to stop or even acknowledge the damage do we just STOP helping victims? Do we NOT get them away from that? Is domestic abuse NOT bondage or oppression?
Again I have no issue with separation, but that is also very simplistic comment when you see that what abusers are after is control. They are going to LOVE a church that tells their spouse, 'you can't escape the pain!" You don't press charges - you place them into their counseling ministry! I have no issue with stating that counseling can bring you healing, but his statements show very clearly you need to be VERY careful with WHOM you get counseling FROM! I mean if the biggest issue is down the road dealing with that spouse for a graduation to show you that you can't escape the pain? GAG! Sorry!
I don't know about you, but their counseling ministry may be one of the last places I would go to for help. Maybe they need to attend some of their 'Celebrate Recovery' classes so they can be educated about abuse. I have attended some that aren't associated with their church, but other organizations run them. They seem to recognize the 'long term pain' no matter what avenue you decide to go. I don't have a problem with separation at all. What they fail to realize is that most abusers aren't going to truly face their issues unless they are either forced or surprisingly are willing to. Sadly, most refuse to when faced with anything. That is the saddest part of all at times I think. Saddleback seems to think that addressing that wouldn't be an option because, 'doesn’t say anything about that because it doesn’t speak as if that would ever happen.' You see that is a very REAL possibility when dealing with this! YET never even hinted at!
Now whenever I talk about divorce, I talk about it with a great heart for what many of you have been through. Because I realized many of you look back on your lives, some of you were divorced before you were a believer in Christ. Does God hold you accountable for that like He would hold a believer accountable for that? No, of course not. You didn’t know. He doesn’t hold us accountable for what we don’t know.
So what if you were divorced after you were a believer? And as you look back on it now you’d say “I told myself it was for a right reason but I realize it was more my selfishness than anything else.” You have the maturity to admit that. I would remind you that although divorce is a sin, God forgives sin. There’s lots of sins out there. I gotta tell you, without God’s forgiveness in my life, not just before I became a Christian, but after I became a believer, I’d never make it into heaven, would you?
I say that, not to excuse divorce, because God hates divorce. But just to let you know the heart of God about this.
So if you choose divorce - because that is all that available in your state - to AHEM escape the pain you will need to admit somewhere down the pike it was due to selfishness.
People seem to realize in most cases abusers aren't going to leave. You know why? Its there house, etc. See the power and control there? Saddleback would have open arms if they went against one of their main characteristics? In most cases the victim is the one that needs to flee, because abusers aren't going anywhere.
Mr. Holloday they 'may not escape the pain' in some ways, but they escaping the abuser! You know the one that oppressed them, and placed them under bondage?! You can't escape the pain, but you can escape the abuse. Talk about irresponsible babble. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Rev. Richard J. Simeone spoke of how for a number of years they have a brief ceremony proclaiming Gloucester a domestic violence free zone. They had the fanfare that most of these ceremonies have as well! As much as we would like to believe that these events lesson or stop domestic abuse we also know that they don't.
Rev. Simeone got a first hand experience it seems from a mocking of this sentiment that all to often happens:
At this year's proclamation ceremony, due note was given to the strides made over time in public awareness of the problem as well as concrete steps toward dealing with this public health disease.¬ Yet, it was also noted that we still have much work to do.¬ It made me think about a conversation I had earlier the day of the ceremony with an acquaintance of mine, to whom I mentioned that I was heading to the ceremony.¬
The other person made a scoffing noise, and I asked what it was about.¬ The reply was, "Oh, I have a neighbor who has one of those 'Strong Men Don't Bully' bumper stickers on his car, and all he does every evening is yell and swear at his wife."
The comment made me wince, yet also reminded me anew that as important as slogans are, as important as proclamation ceremonies are, they cannot carry the day unless you and I are committed daily to the hard work of living with civility and decency toward each other.¬ Doing so requires radical changes and a willingness to explore inner foundations of our tendencies to violent behavior.
That part I will agree with! I do think we need to change our mindset about this issue, and start recognizing habit patterns that society tends to have. I know even I can be included in that statement (blushing!). People do feel if you are not being strong armed, and physical attacked its NOT domestic violence. That is not correct, and that is how our education needs to change. Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior, and the ones that mock the lists of behaviors must not know this. To me that shows an error on our education front.
The Sunday liturgies at St. John's Episcopal Church begin with a act of penitence commencing with the recitation of what is often called the Summary of the Law.¬ This piece of the Christian gospel recalls Jesus connecting two pieces of the Torah into a single command:¬ "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and mind, and soul and strength," and, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."¬ It is the second part which is critical to the topic at hand, and the operative words are, "as yourself."
Far too much religious teaching has focused only on the matter of loving our neighbor without consideration for the fact that we can only love the neighbor with the same measure of love we have for ourselves.¬ Neighbor in this context means anyone other than ourselves, be that spouse, partner, child, coworker, friend or a total stranger.
I do believe in my heart that abusers do truly have a self hate about themselves. I don't know how it is planted there, because I'm sure there are not just one source that is custom made for them. When I look at abusers in that light I often feel sorry for them. I'm not doing that as an excuse for the behavior, but to see them as this truly broken person. A broken person that often neglected by society if not as much - at times MORE so as society enables their behavior to continue. You can't heal what you refuse to recognize or acknowledge is there.
I agree with Rev. Simeone stating that we can only love he neighbor with the same measure of love we have for ourselves. In that way I wonder at times if they are capable of loving in any true form. They do wish us to believe they could, but someone that can't empathize and feels entitled to rage isn't showing that to me.
The foundations of violent behavior are laid in the wounding we have received, often at young and tender ages, which lead us to have a deep, if often unconscious, self loathing.¬ The psychological reality is that until we explore these issues in ourselves so that we no longer project our hurt and anger onto others, domestic abuse in its many and varied manifestations will not abate.¬ We need to remind ourselves daily that domestic violence encompasses the ill-spoken word toward another as much as the hand raised to do physical harm.¬ The man with the bumper sticker on his car probably believes what it proclaims.¬ Because he doesn't beat up his wife, he undoubtedly thinks he's not bullying her.¬ But, yelling and swearing at her are OK because, after all, isn't that the way his father treated his mother, and very likely him?
Very true!
We do see very often this attitude of its just words. We look at James 3 in the bible, and we find that this also is a very serious matter in the bible! I think at times that saying we all grew up with Stick and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you? I think we believed the lie of that old wife's tale. It is a lie. Those children grow up as well, and learn to be come adult bullies that do much more damage. We were so naive giving such advice to our children at one time.
Here is a crucial aspect of the problem of domestic abuse: our range of definition is too narrow.¬ Domestic does not just mean the home.¬ It means any and all of the places where we carry on the business of daily living, from the local scene to the national landscape.¬ Yet we can never hope to really experience a diminution of violence in daily life until we look deeply at the roots of our own pain. Bringing it into the light where we may acknowledge it is the beginning of healing and transformation.
I know I have looked into the root of my own pain, and brought it into the light so that I may transform. It really HURT at first, and there was alot of anger there as well. I did work past this (most of it anyway...okay I hope! lol), and I know it was part of my past...but no longer part of me. Well! NOT like it was! As I educated myself on this I also had to learn some assertivness training in certain circumstances that otherwise I would be to afraid to approach in the past. I had to change this otherwise I may set myself up to be walked all over once again. It doesn't have to be just at home. It could be a my job, volunteering or just a friendship for example.
I often wonder at times if victims have a easier time of this because we had things jammed down our throat for so long. I have to think if our pain of the past isn't a tool that can make us stronger to face this portion of healing. Escape to me is just the first step, but as victims I feel that we need to do ROOT work ourselves. I used to beat myself UP once the realization of my life came, "How could I have been SO stupid!" I had to realize at the time I didn't have the tools I have today. I have heard people in the past mention that they had seen signs, but didn't realize how dangerous they were at the time. You didn't have the tools then. Its okay! YOU do now, and if you wonder about that part....do some of your own ROOT work! Its worth it!
Until we do this the scourge of domestic violence will continue to darken even the brightest day.¬ We will go on paying the price of domestic violence in wounded bodies, broken families, lost wages, children with diminished potential and communities where we feel unsafe and threatened.
It is time to move more intentionally beyond days of proclamation and well-intentioned and heart-felt slogans — as important as they are. It is time to do the inner work, with whatever professional help is necessary, to heal the inner wounds that afflict us, so that more deeply loving ourselves, we can more truly respect the dignity of every person including ourselves.
There are alot of things we hear when we grow up, and when things go down you realize the words sound good but people have a hard time owning them! We all hear how you never know what goes on behind closed doors, and I can't name a person that wouldn't agree with that statement. The problem starts when you realize they don't believe that could be true for them when a charming abuser comes into their fold. They don't know what happens behind closed doors, and the additional problem? They don't want to believe it either! I think abusers by the time they hit adulthood are pretty much professional con man (or women), and they have learned to play the human race very VERY well! That is why I don't believe they don't grasp what they do is wrong, because they wouldn't make such an issue over keeping it silence. They wouldn't have problems with people KNOWING their personal business. If its so ordinary and everyday - why the secrets? Why the intimidation to keep it secret? Why the threats towards others to keep the secrets? Its because they know, and they are not willing to change their brokenness. I'm sure it looks like a huge undertaking for them. Almost impossible. Just like the undertaking this author is asking for the world. I'm sure soceity feels this is TOO huge! It needs to be done in reality, and we all know it! Its a HUGE undertaking, but one that most will say they don't have a problem with...until it hits front and center in their own lives.
If we are take on the scourge of domestic violence there are changes we are all going to have to make. Its overwhelming, but I hope the world can at least start that charge to change! We would all be better off!
I found a news article today on the Morning News . It spoke of how a group of pastor's came and listened to a presentation about domestic violence. I thought it was well written and hard hitting........let me know what you think?
Local pastors consider role in addressing domestic violence
By Jamie Rogers (jrogers@florencenews.com) Morning News Reporter Published: October 29, 2008
FLORENCE — Local pastors considered their role in preventing and treating domestic violence in their communities during an engaging and, at times, spirited roundtable discussion on Wednesday in Florence.
The faith leaders roundtable was held by the Pee Dee Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual and was one of many events being held in conjunction with October being recognized as Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
The Rev. Carl Smith, president of Redeeming the Time, which specializes in biblical treatment of domestic violence batterers, moderated the event.
South Carolina consistently ranks as one of the top 10 states in domestic violence, Smith said.
That is why it’s more pertinent than ever for religious leaders to be agents of safety, he said.
Roundtable participants agreed pastors must be willing to get in the pulpit and speak to their congregations about domestic violence.
“We have a mandate to meet the needs of the people through the gospel of Jesus Christ,” minster Elaine Baldwin, who participated in the discussion, said. “Domestic violence is an issue in this community, and just because people refuse to talk about it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. It is real.”
Some pastors are aware their parishioners are abusive to their spouses or partners but choose to skirt the issue, Smith said. Some pastors even blame the victim and tell them to go back to an abusive spouse, he said.
“Don’t be telling her to go back, pray harder and make a better supper. Don’t you dare do that!” Smith said.
Pastors should be willing to say the word “divorce” from the pulpits, although a well-planned separation might be a better option, Davis said.
Whether it be during a divorce or a separation, this is a critical time for the victim, he said.
“This is the most dangerous point in her life, when she’s trying to leave,” Smith said. “He’ll do any- and everything to track her down.”
Abusive mates often become enraged and determined to do serious harm to their fleeing partners, he said. One of the best ways to stop domestic violence is to change the attitude and behavior of the batterer, Smith said.
“Until somebody he respects faces him and says he shouldn’t be doing that, he won’t stop,” Davis said. “We pastors have to be willing to have the guts to say it.”
Roundtable participants agreed that churches should support local domestic violence awareness groups that help domestic violence victims and treat their abusive partners.
The Pee Dee Coalition is working to form a regional faith-based advisory council that would help pastors aid in the fight against domestic violence.
Anyone with information about possible cases of domestic violence is encouraged to contact the nearest law enforcement agency.
In addition, the Pee Dee Coalition provides assistance and resources designed to help victims of this crimes and can be reached at any time at (843) 669-4600 or (800) 273-1820.
I was disappointed when I saw the comments were closed. I was blown away when I read the one they GOT!
Posted by ( florencesc ) on October 29, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Here we go again, who do you work for Mr. Durant, the newspaper or Pee Dee Coalition. What, did they call you and tell you they were staging this event? Everyone seems to be on a faith-based kick, why? Do they suspect that it works or is it the trend? We have the utmost respect for Pastors, especially the ones who remember the seperation of church and state. I know it’s an emotional issue and many people have died at the hands of domestic violence. Our hearts and prayers go out to each and every victim and family. What we are saying is don’t allow yourselves, as pastors to become the centerpiece and platform for Pee Dee Coalition. Your were ordained and blessed with Gods Word to handle any and all problems for which you seek guidance. You don’t need Pee Dee Coalition to tell you about divorce or any other related matter that deals with God’s children. As a Pastor, people come to you in confidence seeking guidance and assistance with all sorts of domestic issues, some of which are abusive and violent. Let God be your guide and not the statistics that Pee Dee Coalition quotes to you. I am very sure that Pee Dee Coalition’s concern for life and safety is very valid. If you are not careful you’ll be the justification for the next state or federal grant they receive, regardless of whose life was loss or saved. Stick to your pulpit and church as you provide guidance and assistance to those who seek you out. Don’t allow yourself to be used by the state or any agent thereof. Domestic violence is a serious issue but let the state, i.e. Pee Dee Coalition do their own thing and assist in any way they can, separate from what you do. We noticed that in your article they seemed to suggest a topic for the pulpit. Let God be your guide! To all the victims and families of domestics violence, I know that you have been and are being emotionally and possibly physically abused, and we would be the first to say that we are all here to assist you in any way we can. All we are saying is don’t become a victim of a system or agency that simply needs you to justify their next grant. Pastors you are doing fine on your own, trust in God that you will continue to do your best in assisting those who come to you in need.
SINCE I can't leave a comment for this person - I will write it here!
It amazes this a pastor or a representative of one would leave a post of this manner! How completely insulting! Do you realize how many pastor's DON'T have a clue about this issue, and DO send their church member home? They are enabling illegal behavior, and your condoning it! The church has been silent on matter for way to long, and there are PLENTY of victims left dead, injured, or completely broken. Some that survived have left the church - I pray not forever! There is NOTHING wrong with getting into the pulpit, and preaching about the sin of domestic violence! I would assume from your statement your church is not a safe one, or maybe its fear of the subject. If it is hate towards the organization that you writing about then you need to check your bible for the proper bibical attitude, because you SURE aren't showing it! I'm not familiar with Pee Dee Coalition, but if they woke some pastors up GOOD FOR THEM! I'm sure those pastor's are able to figure out the biblical stand on what they learned without someone writing with a tone of contempt!
Would LOVE your comments! I hope those pastor's do considering their roles when it comes to domestic violence! The Cheraw Chronicle also wrote about this event!
A Sermon by Rev. Waltraut Stroh. Held on the 9th March 2008, ISS, The Hague. The theme is the domestic violence.
A new letter of Paul to Christians in all continents
Dear brothers and sisters in our Lord Jesus Christ,
Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I received a letter signed by many sisters and some brothers from different countries asking for my opinion and advice on a family issue which they call domestic violence. I was shocked to read about the behaviour of many husbands all over the world. Therefore I write this letter and I strongly urge you to read it carefully.
My brothers, how can you treat your wives in such a way, beat them and misuse them? Were they not given to you by God? How can this happen within the church of Christ? Did you forget what I wrote earlier to you, that you are the body of Christ? That all parts are of equal importance and should be honoured equally? That if one part suffers, all the other parts suffer as well? How can you make your own body suffer? Did you forget that I wrote to the husbands to love thier wives as their own body? And you, who are brothers or neighbours or colleagues of such husbands, do you say, “Am I my brother’s keeper? This is only a family affair”? Should you not bring your brother back to the right path?
I was even more shocked that many husbands use my letters as an argument to controle their wives and eventually even batter them. God behold. When did I ever allow a husband to beat his wife? Yes, I told the wives to submit to their husbands and to respect them. But does this allow men to treat women as slaves? Did you not continue to read what I told the husbands further, ‘love your wives and care for them’? Some of you may have paid a bride price when you got married. But this does not mean that your wives are your property. Each one of you, men and women, are the property of Christ. He paid for you with his own blood to make you free people. If I wrote to you earlier “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free” I dod not mean the freedom of men only. Respect therefore each other’s freedom. Through your faith in Christ Jesus you are all children of God. There is no difference between rich or poor, black or white, man or woman, not in the eyes of God. In the beginning God created man and woman in his own image. Discover the image of God in each other. Every stroke on your wife’s body is a stroke in the face of God. I want to be clearer than in my letters before as they were misinterpreted. Hereby I tell the wives, ‘love and respect your husbands’ and I tell the husbands, ‘love and respect your wives’. Treat your partner as you want to be treated. Any other attitude does not come from Christ.
Some husbands refer to my letters and call themselves the head of the family. They use this argument to defend their dominant role. They controle and discipline their wives they way they like. When I wrote that the man is the head of the woman I referred to Christ as the head of the church. Christ is the head of all believers, women and men. But he is not a head that seeks control and power. Although he had divine authority he humbled himself to be a servant. He was prepared to suffer and to carry his cross. He sacrificed his life for our sake. Are you, men, willing to identify with Jesus, the humble servant? Or do you prefer to identify with Jesus, the Lord and Master? Why is the attitude of humility and servanthood mainly preached to women? Jesus told us that the church is different from the world. Whoever wants to be first must become a slave. Christian families and christian husbands should give an example.
You, who were baptized in the name of Christ must confirm yourself to him. Did you forget how Jesus allowed Mary of Bethany to be his disciple and called her sister Martha to give up the role of housewife? Did you forget how he was involved in a theological discussion with a samaritan woman at the well and with Martha at the grave of her brother Lazarus? How he praised the faith of a foreign woman whose daughter was sick and learned from her that his mission was beyond Israel? Jesus took women serious. Do you, my brothers, know better than Jesus? And you, my sisters, don’t give up. Let yourselves be encouraged by the example of your sisters in Christ, the women who stayed close to Jesus in his hour of agony, the women who were the first witnesses of the resurrection, the women who became my coworkers and leaders in the christian churches: Priscilla and Phoebe, Lydia and Dorcas and many more. Without their strong commitment to the cause of the gospel my mission would not have succeeded.
Christ gave us the commandment “Love your neighbour as yourself”. Is your wife, is your husband not more than your neighbour? My dear brothers and sisters, let your hearts be filled by the love of God. Let this love be shown in your homes and in your behaviour as husbands and wives, as mothers and fathers to the glory of God.
Peace to you and grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with unending love,
Paul apostle and servant of Christ.
Thank you Rev. Waltraut Stroh for sharing this with the world!
Taking Back Your Power had a very moving article about the Place of God's people within the role of domestic violence issues.
2 Samuel 22:1-3, 18, 48-50: And David spoke the words of the song to the Lord in the day that the Lord delivered him from the hands of his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said, “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold, and my refuge. My savior, you save me from violence…He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me…The God who executes vengeance for me, and brings down peoples under me, who also brings me out from my enemies; you even lift me above those who rise up against me; you rescue me from the violent man. Therefore, I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the nations, and I will sing praises to Your name.
In the scripture lesson today, King David sings a song of thanksgiving for God’s protection of him during times when violent men attempted to take his life. To take back his power, David took refuge in the God of his salvation, in whom he trusted. When David fled from the presence of Saul, one of the first places he went was to the tabernacle of God, where he found food and a weapon. Violent men attempted to take David’s power, due to jealousy and fear. Today, there are women in America suffering at the hands of violent men, due to issues of control and power. For many of them, the tabernacle of God has not proven to be a place of shelter and assistance. Indeed, too many battered and abused women are ill-advised by their religious leaders to return to abusive relationships, being told of a duty to honor marriage and accept these unbearable situations. It is time for faith-based organizations to become a refuge for individuals who are in relationships with persons “too strong” for them to cope with alone. The Church is to be a sanctuary where we as God’s own possessions go for help and comfort. Unless the Church becomes part of the solution to ending violence against women, this hate crime will continue to devastate women, their children, and yes, even the men themselves.
I think everyone realizes that I also think men that are caught up in this issue are also victims of the church, soceity, and ignorance over all as well!
There are three specific ways that God’s people can help women take back their power and stop this tsunami of hate that is created by the twin earthquakes of control and power. First, church leaders should socialize men that just because the Bible states “your wives,” it does not mean that women belong to men or are their property, or that men have a right to use violence to control women. They must remind men who use the biblical scriptures as justification for violence against women that Christ never hurt nor harmed the Church. Instead, Christ loved the Church so much that He gave His life for it. Ephesians 5:25 states, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Further, Ephesians 5: 28-29 say, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, just as Christ also does the church.” Therefore, as believers, men are morally obligated not to abuse their wives; to do so constitute sin.
Also, faith-based communities must address violence against unmarried women. Because of the putatively “sinful” nature of the relationships, women cohabiting or in dating relationships have not found the empathy needed to leave these relationships and take back their power. We must give comfort and hope to everyone, for Romans 3:23 relates that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The lack of concern for unmarried women leaves many women without the support of their faith-based communities at the very time when support and understanding is greatly needed.
Second, to fully participate in the prevention and stopping of domestic violence, God’s people need to learn about domestic violence, its cause and consequences, and its effects on children. Too few faith-based leaders have taken courses on domestic violence. To advise victimized women to remain in abusive relationships without fully understanding the extent and etiology of the violence represents an injustice to women.
Third, God’s people must condemn domestic violence from the pulpit and the pews. It must be known that God does not condone violence in any form. Psalm 11:5 states, “The Lord tests the righteous and the wicked, and the one who loves violence His soul hates.” In many churches, women represent over 60 percent of the congregation, and in some Black churches, the percentage rises to more than 70 percent. Therefore, it is inconceivable that only women outside of faith-based communities are experiencing violence in their homes. Instead, it is more likely that victims and batterers are worshiping together in places of worship. To hear leaders denounce the abuse in places of worship would give women a sense that their concerns are valid, and that the violence in no way represents God’s love. For men to hear that the violence is morally wrong would reinforce the idea that violence against women is always wrong and will not be tolerated by God’s people.
The church to often condones violence by their reactions to it. Both sides of this issue - abused and abuser - need help in different realms. The way the church handles things alot of times neither side is handed to much at all. They are handed more things that are geared toward denial more than help. How sad!
PRAYER: Father God, thank you for your wondrous love for your children, and that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Today, we pray for the millions of women (author's note and men) enduring domestic violence. We ask that you touch the hearts of your people to help in ending violence in this land. It is our hope that women (and men) can find sanctuary and help in your house. Then with upraised voices we all can sing songs of praise to you for continuing to be our refuge and our shield. I called on you in my time of violence and you heard me and delivered me from the violent men in my life. You turned my life around and gave me hope. Like King David, I praise your holy name.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
AMEN!!!
The role of God's people within domestic violence circumstances must be updated, and I hope with time the church stops the denial comments and JUMPS on the bandwagon of helping the hurting and the oppressed!
As I read people of faith's reactions to those spouses that speak of domestic violence I have to wonder if they remember the what I feel is the forgotten victims of domestic violence...the children.
Ward of Court wrote a post recently, and I wonder at times if people that enable abusers stop to think about the children - and how this impacts their lifes greatly as well. It seems the author of this blog lost both her parents one night. Her mother was killed, and her father landed in prision.
This is the reason why I write about my mom. I want her example to shine brightly and help others being victimized by Domestic Violence. Although her murderer, my father, is about to leave prison with a whole life ahead of him, he hasn’t left behind a legacy. His life in my opinion is empty, wasted. My mother, although dead, will still live on as her example helps others. This will be her legacy – A legacy of self-discovery, self-love and resurrection. For many leaving an abusive insignificant other, the road ahead is a long, bumpy one that doesn’t seem to have an end. Many will become homeless, living in shelters as a result of escaping. But just compare your life before, living in utter anguish, walking on egg shells, afraid to breathe too hard for fear of setting off the abuser, to your life now, living in shelters, but protected and cared for and safe. I always say it’s better to live in a shack with someone you love than in a lavish mansion with someone you don’t love. The lover in this case is you. If we love ourselves, we will we do whatever it takes to preserve our quality of life and the lives of our children if there are any involved. So tonight, as every night, I will be remembering my mom whose life was cut short at the age of 49. If she was 79, it still would have been too short.
I would urge the church to listen to this young poster, and I for one pray for her and her family. What an awesome memorial for her mother!
People need to remember the forgotten victims of domestic violence - the children!
SBC Impact has an article called, 'Violence in the Church - An Introduction'. They are looking for feedback, and I encourage my readers to hand them that! Domestic violence it seems to me is almost a foreign languange to others, and fear of NOT helping change things seems to be the trigger of NOT doing anything at all!
Here is a snippet:
Why it is untouched- I am thankful for the few churches and pastors giving serious attention to this problem. However, one of the questions that lingers is, “Why is so little attention given to this issue within the setting of the Church?” For me, in order to bring it successfully into the spotlight, I must first have a deep understanding of why it has not yet been in the spotlight. I offer three reasons and ask for others to offer more. I know many of you can help with that.
1. The theology and practice of marriage and divorce silently pushes us away from the issue of domestic violence. Slippery, but real, questions present themselves in this arena. Pastors literally spend hours trying to keep spouses together. Spending energy on a heavy issue that may cause a spouse to leave the home seems to emotionally split a pastor (it does me).
2. Domestic violence seems, to me, to be the most dangerous ethical issue a person can get involved with within the Church in America. The life threatening nature of getting involved with helping abused people break the cycle of violence at home is itself enough to mute voices and pause action.
3. Preaching, discussing or standing corporately against domestic violence does not fit well within the context of the rapid church growth machine. On a side note, it seems to me many other ethical issues are never put on the table for discussion and action for this same reason.
What are your thoughts of Violence within the church?
I remember years ago I found something from rbc ministries about domestic violence within Christian Marriages. I believe I posted in on this blog as well. I will have to find it, and place a link here. It was a rather long article about domestic abuse within Christian marriages, and since it was part the of the beginning of my journey it was a sense of relief of finding at least SOMETHING that related to this issue of abuse.
Okay. I did find things here and there about domestic violence within the church on the web, but most of it showed me they clearly didn't understand the issue. I started this blog at a time that I was personally searching for answers, and when I found something of interest...I would quote the source, link it, and copy every word! I was afraid that they would change their mind, and remove it from their site. You will notice there wasn't to much of my opinion towards the beginning, because I was used to everyone asking me to HUSH!
I found another article on there recently, and the author mentioned video that the ministry put together. It does speak about domestic abuse, and how at times the violence within the home can be worse than the divorce. I realize divorce can be a hot button for people, but isn't their main focus. They were trying to make a point of NOT glossy over the impact of domestic violence.
Towards the beginning they mentioned this book below!
The author mentions on the video how domestic violence is more than just getting angry. How its not about anger at all. How its more about CONTROL! How men have abused their power, and how they use that power to create fear to control the wife and household. How they may not have HIT their wifes, but how they use fear to show, "you MESS with me at all and here is what I will do to you!" Threats, name calling, abuse of pets, tearing phones out of the wall, removing parts to the car so you can't drive, accusing you of cheating, etc.
They do an interview with a lady named, Julie Owens who comes from a family of Pastors. She married and quickly found that her husband had a different side of him. Her family suggested counseling, and he did go to counseling for a short period of time. The abuse got worse, and shortly after her baby was born she left. She came to her parents house one night after filing for divorce, and while getting the baby out of the car he came up from behind her and attacked her. Dragged her into the house, and told her he was going to wait for her father to return home. Her father did return, and he was ready for him! She tried to stop him, and her husband stabbed her in the stomach. He then CUT her father across the forehead - in which he received over 40 stitches during the struggle to defend himself.
That next Sunday he got up, and told the church what had been happening. How his son in law had attacked him. He opened the church up to the freedom of speaking of domestic abuse. The pastor then found out quickly how the counsel that most churches give for this issue is more hurtful than helpful.
The heart of God is to protect the vulerable.
How Jesus, Peter and others showed how you shouldn't have to take avoidable suffering.
They speak of the famous "God Hates Divorce" speech that everyone is familiar with! How they are taking part of the sentence, and not incorporating the story that this sentence was taken from. God does hate divorce, but he also hates the violence.
Children of abusive relationships have a hard time sleeping, and have a hard time concentrating at school at times. They know no one is safe. They don't know what safety in the home is.
Psalm 11 speaks about how God hates the violent person.
Proverbs 6 God lists things again, and one of those is how he hates one that lifts his hand to shed innocent blood.
The problem isn't the bible its the misuse of scripture. The misinterupation of scripture. God doesn't wish others to enable violence to continue. Separation at times places the ball in the abusers court to see the damage they are doing. It allows time for both parties to get healing and the help they need. I believe its doing the abuser a favor so they will look at themselves, and I pray they do get the help they need. People that discourage separation because they are afraid of divorce? They are the first to tell the abused to have enough faith to allow God to do his work, but yet their faith isn't strong enough to think it can be done within 4 walls of safety. To me that is very telling. They push faith upon broken people as a tool, but they are not willing to use that tool themselves. I have to ask...where is their faith?
Here is the first video about domestic violence presented by Rbc Ministries. It should work, but if it doesn't here is the direct link to the domestic abuse video for RBC Ministries.
It amazes me at times the lengths some newspapers will go for the all mighty buck! Episcopal Life was reporting about a day at their Lambeth Conference. They were talking that day about the Violence Against Women, and the silence of domestic violence within the church. The popular press in England decides that we need to take portions of what Bishop Catherine Roskam said at the conference with a nasty little twist. I guess the truth doesn't sell enough newspapers or something. Its pretty sick! They are attempting to say she mentioned that pastors beat their wifes in certain parts of the world, because its morally acceptable there. YEAH! Okay then! They must be deaf and their reading skills must certainly be lacking. I wonder if their supervisors are aware! It makes their newspapers look bad that's for sure!
Episcopal Cafe also goes into some detail. Bischop Greg who was actually at the event mentions the opposite of what the newspapers report as well.
Its amazing that newspapers would rather twist things to get more money than protect people from further harm. Domestic violence within the church needs to be spoken about, and the newspapers instead of reporting truth decide to say it was targeted against certain leaders within the world only. I guess truth doesn't sell. I mean its either that or they can't hear or read Bishop Catherine Roskam's comments. They turn around and write a twisted version of things, and then go to parties within the church they KNOW would be insulted just for the cherry on top. SHAME ON YOU! We know you didn't show them the WHOLE truth, because they wouldn't say what they did targeted towards what you CHOOSE to show them ONLY! You would have got some different responses if you had shown the WHOLE thing, instead of peices of it to change the meaning.
Some comments they received:
"I don't think we see things like that in the church, what she said is far removed from the real picture."
Bishop Paul Yugusuk from Sudan said: "I don't think it's true - the church speaks out against this.
"In the wider community these things still exist but we don't do that as bishops or pastors.
"She is being unfair – she's talking from a general view without any evidence."
The only thing the comments they got show is denial. NO domestic violence and pastors abusing their wifes isn't isolated to certain parts of the world. Its worldwide and their comments do show how far this church have to go in this realm. We hope that the partcipates at the Lambeth Conference listened to Catherine Roskam about the violence against women. I also hope they tell the others what she really said. Goodness knows we can't expect some newspapers to do that.
Standing in the Shadows is a very touching story of a minister's wife that was treated sinfully, and her husband left the family to start another one! Yet is a story of hope, new beginnings, forgiveness and it also sounds like a ministry she can call her own!
Healing......
I knew that my healing and the healing of my children could only come with forgiveness. As long as I had unforgiveness in my heart, I was still in bondage - he still controlled me. Forgiveness is never easy but necessary. Too often, we don't allow the wounds and the scars to heal and we never let go of our hurt. But I knew that unforgiveness turns to bitterness and bitterness destroys the mind, the soul, and ultimately the body. I needed to forgive him but I also needed to forgive the members of my church.
I think anyone of faith that has been dealing with any form of domestic violence can relate to this. Forgiveness isn't easy at times, and bitter pill we can't do away with will destroy us in the end if we can't let of it. Forgiveness as you can clearly see isn't for them - its for US! COULD be way the bible asks us to forgive in the first place huh? Abuse isn't always easy to forgive, but I believe you can let go of it little by little!
Plea...........
I realize that some of you reading this "lengthy" blog have gone through painful ministry relationship breakups. Yet, I know that some are still in those painful relationships such as the minister's wife of 50 years. Please let me hear from you - talk to me. I want to pray for you. I want my children to pray for your children. Sometimes, it is not always advice that you seek but a listening ear. Often, the focus is on the minister/pastor with very little emphasis on the wife. When there is a divorce, that wife and those children become invisible. It happens - please talk to me.
The pastor's wife has a very difficult position at times. WHen you are dealing with abuse, forgiveness, and just life that goes also with that please reach out! Reach out until someone listens!
He speaks of scripture that is used as examples of victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence, and how they are misapplied. How the because of the true nature of domestic abuse or domestic violence they victims rarely speak up, but within the last 30 years people are starting to speak for them.
How he feels that the stats are just the tip of iceberg due to the silence. How hitting is just a small portion, and how its much bigger than that.
He starts in Genesis and continues to the worse case of domestic violence in the bible, and that would be killing of Jesus Christ.
NOT submissive to your husband - because of his sinful nature could cause him to abusive towards his wife! The wife - because of her sinful nature - isn't submissive because she wants to be the BOSS says Pastor Ware!
and their husbands on their part, because they are sinners, now respond
to that threat to their authority either by being abusive, which is, of course,
one of the ways men can respond when their authority is challenged, or more
commonly by becoming passive, acquiescing and simply not asserting the
leadership they ought to as men in their homes and churches.
Ware it seems doesn't understand the definition of what abusive is. He is using what people call a 'myth' definition. That is where he is getting himself into trouble. True abusers have a pattern of behavior. Its not being a jerk one day, and lashing out towards their spouse on occasion. Being labeled an abuser means you have a pattern of behavior that is abusive.
When you have a person that has a pattern of behavior of being abusive - then his statement is offensive, and really shows ignorance towards what abusive natures truly mean. Why? A true abusive person doesn't need an excuse! They are also going to LOVE what he said, and run with it!
People with a true abusive nature don't have to feel their role is being usurped. Burning dinner and not being able to read their minds is all it takes. What they want and need from day to day changes, and you are expected to figure that out without being told.
Anyone that understands the true definition of what being abusive is compared to the myth type that Ware uses knows he comment is ungrounded, and completely off the mark!
The myth definition has been overused in the past, and people have ended up dead. Being submissive or not isn't going to cause the abusive person to lash out. The abusive person is going to lash out because their pattern of behavior shows they are abusive. You can't MAKE someone abusive! Its choice! Abusive people can be healed, but they also have to face the music of their past sins.
Can a whining child trigger an abusive person to lash out? Yep! A NON whining child can also cause an abusive person to lash out as well! Why? An abusive person doesn't need a rational excuse - they are just are.
True abusive people are going to use the excuse of their spouse NOT being submissive. Why? They are known for twisting scripture to fit their needs. They will also tell their children = sorry I was to hard on you during the whipping but if you were not whining you may not have gotten that hard!
From the standpoint of those that understand the definition of what abusive means - and clearly Ware's ignorance towards what it means is where you hit the rub.
I mean how often do you tell a spouse of an alcoholic that if they were nicer to them that day they may not have gotten drunk? Generally, people aren't going to say that. Why? Most people know alcoholics don't need an excuse! Triggers are excuse.
There are some very interesting conversations about this man, and him clearly not doing his homework!
