Parish Response To Domestic Violence

From time to time I find a person of faith that truly effects my heart and soul when it comes to their position on domestic violence and the church.  Fr. Charles W. Dahm I have to say just warmed my heart completely.

 

When I started this blog many years ago – I had no voice.  It was hard to find anything besides stats, and some surface statements about emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse within the Christian home.  So I would find articles from time to time, and cut and paste them on my blog.  It was just my own personal collection, because HELP in this area was so truly hard to find.  To be more direct within the Faith realm that is!

 

In 2006, I posted an article I found called: Marriage Annulment Grounds in the Catholic Church.  To date this maybe one of the most popular articles on this blog, and has been almost since I posted it.  I have tried in the past to get Priest's attention to it, because some the responses there are honestly over my head.  I’m not Catholic, and I feel unqualified to answer the requests on questions.  I pray one day to find someone within the Catholic community to help in that area. 

 

I honestly feel helpless when it come to that article, but I can’t remove it because it seems to bring such solace to people. So it stands, and I have found posters themselves have discussions about the piece.

 

Recently, I saw a video on PBS about churches and domestic violence, and I uploaded it youtube.  I wanted to be sure it didn’t disappear.  The video itself featured, Father Charles Dahm of Chicago.

 

Fr. Charles W. Dahm, O.P., heads up the domestic violence outreach ministry for the Archdiocese of Chicago. This video  below is of a sermon delivered by Fr. Dahm titled: "Let's Reach Out to Victims of Domestic Violence as Jesus Would."

 

He nails it!  He pulls no punches, and he does not have the fear that way to many other men or women of faith have when it comes to speaking about abuse within the Christian home.  There is fear and stigma it seems when it comes to this subject of domestic violence within the church. 

 

I think part of it is the divorce stats, and some honestly have a hard time dealing with this issue because they feel they may add to the stats.  So – sadly – they do nothing. 

 

At times they do make it worse by using all these ‘spiritual pixie dust’ approaches, and refuse to acknowledge the habitual dangerous pattern within marriages.  They will NOT acknowledge the cycle of abuse within AT ALL.

 

Sadly, you see to often this avoidance approach by dealing with the last episode while ignoring the overall danger to every member of this family.  Fr. Charles W. Dahm has the courage to face all aspects of this, and yes that includes the ugly underbelly that others have yet to find the courage to even acknowledge with any substance.

 

Let’s Reach Out To Victims of Domestic Violence as Jesus Would Sermon

His words and message were awesome, and you don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate them.

 

St. Pius V is a Catholic parish in the Pilsen neighborhood on Chicago's near southwest side.  His Parish has programs for both the abused, and the perpetrators – the gender doesn’t matter. 

The Catholic Campaign for Human Development (CCHD) awarded St. Pius V Parish a $15,000 grant to increase its capacity for outreach, and for the establishment of parish-based volunteer training programs that have already been established in 15 parishes in the archdiocese since 2007 through the efforts of Father Chuck and the St. Pius V counseling team.

Here is a video of an interview with Fr. Charles W. Dahm about the program that includes men, women and children.  Its about 2.5 minutes long, and he tells you briefly how he approaches this with love, compassion…and most remarkably understanding, and the pitfalls of abuse.

 

Fr. Charles W. Dahm Interview about his Parish’s Domestic Violence Program

 

 

Here are some additional resources:

Catholic women to create national network against domestic violence

Domestic Violence Victims Turn Toward Faith

 

 

Thank you Fr. Charles W. Dahm for speaking about domestic violence within the Christian Home!  Your sermon – message on domestic violence within the church touched my heart.

Victims are against forgiveness as the solution to the problem

I actually call forgiveness the "F" word for the evangelical community, because of how they use forgiveness.  

It's not that victims are against forgiveness. 

Victims are against forgiveness as the solution to the problem.  

Because the problem will go on and on and on as long as every victim continues to give forgiveness.  The organization does not have to address the issues. 

All God’s Children Documentary

As you might have guessed I was watching All God’s Children on Youtube the other night, and the above quote I felt was very profound.  The Video segment above has this quote.

Children of missionaries were placed in boarding schools while their parents served as missionaries – in this case in Africa.  The children were abused badly by the caregivers, and as adult survivors they asked the missionary organization to start dealing with what happened.  The organization threw out the ‘forgiveness’ card, and stonewalled with prevention of this from happening to other children.  They wanted to blow it off as a ‘select few’ that I’m sure they wanted to treat as bad apples, but were overwhelmed with the numbers of survivors that came forward after the story went public.

What happened next was a show of fear towards the missionary alliance’s reputation, and self preservation.  They attempted to ‘deal with it’, but you get the sense they did it more from pressure than from genuine concern.  

Once the heat was removed (somewhat anyway) they were able to go on ‘doing God’s work’.   What they failed to realize or face was helping these victims, and preventing future victims IS God’s work as well.  They pretended their priories were not out of whack.

Sadly, what it shows is if other missionary children are abused?  They have no hope of true support within their community.  They will be set adrift.  I pray that the links I supplied below will be of help to you.

As the men and women within this video documentary spoke of the triggers they deal with to this day?  That doesn’t show a lack of forgiveness, but of struggle. 

They are still struggling to learn to cope with their past, and superhuman type of forgiveness others demand of them is NOT helping them by any stretch of the imagination.

Its true that the faith community does tend to use forgiveness so they don’t have to address the problem or issues.  Once the victim ‘forgives’ they move on as if nothing ever happened.  Victims are left to deal with this on their own, and sharing the burdens that comes from healing is the ‘unforgiveable’ to ask for.

Today forgiveness is a tool that is used, so the church doesn’t have to deal with things that seem to ugly.

Forgiveness is suppose to be for us, and yet it is used as a ‘on demand’ concept for others.  The forgiveness then turns into something for others, and not for the victim at all. 

You see this way to often when dealing with emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse.  Most of the time people that abuse others in this way?  The victims are asked to forgive their abuser, and then sadly those victims must then find ways of forgiving those that counseled them (on forgiveness) because they would rather wipe the slate clean afterwards – then help them mend other aspects that go along with healing afterwards.

You see those cycle of emotions afterwards are used as ‘points of unforgiveness or bitterness’, and that is the big lie when it comes to support of abuse victims.  Its laziness, unforgiveness towards victims, and fear of how this would impact THEIR circumstance and might bruise THEIR lifes or organization.    It has nothing to do with smearing God in some way, but has everything to do with their fear of facing sin.  Its self perseveration in the ugliest form.

Cycle of Healing – When do you face this?

They say its human to take the path of less resistance.  Victims are easy to steam roll because they are in weaken state anyway, and sadly all too often the faith community takes the ‘secular’ path that is far from biblical.

People that are abused, and are allowed healing tend to have cycles similar to the cycle of grief – loss of a loved one.  I remember when my father died they reminded me of these stages, and how they may not go in order – and you can deal with one cycle again and again at times.

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
  

They tell you these cycles are normal and healthy.  In time you will reach the other side in which you learn to live with what has happened, and are able to go on with life.  That doesn’t mean you forget about the death, and you don’t mourn anymore.  It means that grief no longer overwhelms your life.  Most people have dealt with a death, and you see the genuine support people need as acceptable due to this.

Sadly, that is NOT true for abuse victims most of the time.  That seems especially true if those victims are within the church body – and the abuser is also.

It amazes me that people just ask this superhuman concept of others (instant forgiveness) when abuse happens, without having them process things that they have dealt with.  Then you notice those that counsel this ‘instant forgiveness’ are the ones railing against some pet sin they are against, and then place this aura of how its ‘everywhere around them’.  No, they aren’t ones that do the superhuman concept of instant forgiveness either.   Sadly, they are in so much denial they can’t see it.

Transformation is what is truly amazing!

They say if you beat a dog long enough he will learn to bite you in return after a while.  In softer terms if you torment a cat all the time you may get a good scratch or bite in defense as well.  Most people can ‘grasp’ and understand these concepts, and most are NOT going to blame the animals for their reaction.  If you take that animal and place it in better circumstances people are amazed at the transformation. 

My Siamese cat died in January – he was 17 years old.  He was rescue animal, and you could tell something had happened in the past due to his fear towards things that most cats would not be.  He never lashed out, or would bite.  He was just full of fear.  He was a young cat, and we used plenty of love, patience, and fun to help him come out of his shell.  In time he slowly came out, and he learned that not everyone/everything around him was worth fearing.  Those fears would pop up from time to time, but they lessoned as he enjoyed being spoiled with praise, kisses, rubs and plenty of kitty treats. 

He learned to trust us, and knew we had his best in mind.  When he was older we brought home a puppy, and at that point our cat was strong enough to show him (the puppy) WHOM the top dog was in the house.  Our cat also was secure enough in his position within the family to learn to love the puppy, and in return the puppy had a healthy respect for that ‘old man’.  My Siamese didn’t fear him as he would in the past, and after the patriarchy was established (if you will) he truly cared for his new pup. 

Towards the end of his life I think he sensed my fear of losing him, and he just lovingly endured things as we tried to save him with genuine affection in his eyes.  The day I put him down he was not afraid either, and he almost gave me one last smile as he fell asleep for the last time.    The transformation in that cat was amazing.

I think it is the same with people that are hurt and abused.  They need love, patience, grace and loads of support.  Fear hurts, and is NOT a comfortable state of living. 

Asking victims to forgive is all well and good, but telling them NOT to process their grief, fear, and the other host of emotions?  Its not healthy nor is it normal way of dealing with things.   People are big on saying love is not an emotion, but an action.  Sadly, the actions are not there with most abuse victims.  Using forgiveness as a tool to wipe the slate clean instead of helping them process what happened to them?  That’s not love its fear.

Avoidance is fear – not love!

On the one hand I can understand and empathize with this fear, but on the other hand I can see the terrible effects not facing those fears have on life.  The instant forgiveness crowd may not realize they cement belief systems in victims when they can not do as God would have them do. 

You learn to NOT trust an abuser, and you learn NOT to trust counsel as well when they also aren’t safe to help them process things.  That isn’t being a perpetual ‘victim’, but common sense towards the human nature.   Its like learning to speak ‘cat’, and telling my old pal he didn’t need our love to move past his fear. It’s unrealistic, and spiritual pixie dust to expect it.

When you read Psalms you hear similar cries of pain and anguish, and yet Psalms is NOT used to show you how NOT to deal with injustice, abuse and neglect.  It doesn’t tell others to have this superhuman forgiveness, so others can wipe the slate clean because they are afraid of dealing with reality of circumstances.  Instead it shows the pain and reality of life at times, and does NOT encourage people to stuff things down because those around them are to afraid to help. 

Its sad that people can show MORE compassion towards the death of pet than they do the destruction of a person.

The church sadly is no different than the world when it comes to injustice within the church.  They just have their unique way of NOT dealing with it.   The abuser tells you that its all your fault, and the quote ‘healthy’ ones within the church tend to send the same message once the abuse surfaces.  Telling them to forgive where the church can forget!  Yes, it’s the same as telling victims its their fault all over again.

It’s a sick mindset.  The denial is also very strong, and you could see this within the IFB community when the Tina Anderson story was exposed.  They just were plain unable to to understand WHY people were against Chuck Phelps being a board member afterwards.  They didn’t conceive the reasons that others didn’t accept their ‘authority’ to hound, manipulate and bully those that cried foul.  The organization called, Do Right BJU was started and BJU felt they were right – and they showed the world how sadly they do not have good grasp on reality nor scripture.

We had a person on a faith board that used to be in existence that loved to use manipulative statements of forgiveness towards other hurting people.  He or She would say something along the lines of, “I’m glad MY God forgives me better than you can forgive others!”  Why people think that type of statement is anywhere near helpful towards anyone just boggles the mind.  Yet this statement reassembles the attitude towards victims of abuse completely.

When it seems forgiveness is more for them than for you?  Its okay to cry foul, and please continue to reach out and find those that do understand what God asks from them towards your pain.

Victims are against forgiveness as the solution to the problem.

Forgiveness isn’t the solution to the problem of denial – its just one step of many towards healing.  It’s the scapegoat of the church uses to NOT do what God asks of them.  You can’t share in each other burdens when you pretend those burdens no longer exist.

The church sadly in most cases are more hurtful than secular society when dealing with sin within their own circle.   I’m so thankful for those individuals, organizations, churches and leaders that live out Christ like Love towards victims.  I just pray that some day they aren’t so few and far between.

Please accept the following links if you also need support:

All God’s Children – Documentary website

Missionary Kids Safety Net

Missionary Kids Advocates Forum

MK Planet online community for current MKs and Adult MKs (MK=Missionary kids)

The Hope For Survivors Ministry providing support for victims of clergy sexual abuse

In the links section at the top of my blog is other types of support and missions to help you with your faith towards healing.

My prayers are with you, the faith community, and lastly the abusers themselves.

Afraid of Conflict Resolution

I will admit at times I get apprehensive about being ‘real’ around certain people.  I used to be REALLY bad at that, because I was taught that you should always be the sugar sweet person at all times. 

 

That means instead of voicing your opinion about why something makes you upset?  You have to stop, think, and possibly go a different route to voice this – or you know not to voice it at all. 

 

Why?  People tend to point out your attitude as they see it, and wish to deal with that more than the substance of the point or hurt in question.

 

I’m not going to say that it’s a bad thing to watch your tone and approach.  I will say at times we tend to go a little to far in that realm.  If your approach isn’t ‘just so’ that is what is pointed out and concentrated on more than the true hurt that people need to deal with.

 

The Wartburg Watch recently had an article called the confessions of a SGM Pastor.  They speak of two awful stories about people within a fellowship that found out their children had been sexually abused by another party within the fellowship.  The principals that church followed were to help bring ‘peace’ among all parties.  The problem is in order to have this ‘peace’ they basically avoided dealing with the circumstances completely.  The families couldn’t speak of the hurt and betrayal they felt over the molestation, because to the church it showed their lack of forgiveness.

These were situations where the family of the victim and the family of the perpetrator were friends. There were pre-existing, close relationships. As they’re trying to sort these things through, when relational conflicts arose between the victim’s family and the perpetrator’s family, we unwisely used a Peacemaker model for conflict resolution. This resulted, put them on an equal plane – get the log out of your eye, get the log out of your eye, go for the speck, go for the speck – this resulted in the victim’s family being corrected when they should have been gently cared for as sufferers.

I read this and I thought of the many stories we have all heard not only that dealt with this issue, but also the theme of the blog – domestic violence in the church.  This is more doctrine that fact.

 

How often are men, women and children asked to look at their own sin before they speak about verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse?  I think of Tina Anderson , and how she was asked to own 1% of the sin of her being raped.  How many stories have read over at Danni Moss’s Blog, Because It Matters in which she spoke of boy and girls being molested by people in the church, and adults feeling very justified in attacking the children to defend the adult.  How these children were running after the molester to be with them – thus they must have wanted it.    How the adult in the church was a 'Godly’ person, and just made a mistake.

 

How often do we hear hints of BE more submissive, watch your tone and approach, and make sure you are ‘encouraging’ to the person that is abusing you verbally, emotionally or physically? 

 

We don’t do well in gently caring for sufferers.  When a spouse or child are being abused we see more often than not how we need to realize a relationship is 50/50 in fault, and we never attempt to deal with the dangerous brokenness of character – or obvious sinfulness of that person.  We are asked to look for the GOOD qualities, and don’t be so nasty that all you see is the BAD ones! 

 

Yes.  There are always assumptions about your motivation, character, and how you dealt with things so far.

Patriarchy is the ultimate cause of all abuse against women?

Pastor Versus Feminist

Patriarchy is the ultimate cause of all abuse against women.

This one small sentence sure does pack a punch doesn’t it?

Do I buy that 100%?  No.  I do think at times patriarchy can be a contributing factor to abuse towards… WELL anyone!

I have family, and I have known families that tend to live by the ‘father rule’.  If the sentence, ‘patriarchy is the ultimate cause of all abuse against women’ you would see it in every instance of patriarchy.

You don’t find that to be the case, because not all people view patriarchy as authority and power based.

I’m talking a heart and attitude issue here more than anything.  My uncle for example would NEVER use the trump card, ‘I have the last word’ type of thing.  He respected and loved his wife to much to even condone such a stand.  

I realize some people would think their decision making within their household would come to standstill.  Guess what? It didn’t.  Matter of fact I’m sure he would scratch his head, and wonder why that even needs to be factor.

When you have an abusive person I do believe there are many issues at work.  I don’t believe when we get up close and personal that everyone has the same backgrounds and issues involved.  I have mentioned so many times that people are custom, and I do believe when it comes to abusive people?  Its no different.

‘Never the twain shall meet’

Have you ever heard that term before? Its Defined as: something that you say when two things or people are so different that they can never exist together or agree with each other.

A great example of this would be feminists, and complementarians.  Can you imagine?

One group telling the other they are responsible for the fall of society and are man haters.  

Then you have the other side the coined the phrase: Patriarchy is the ultimate cause of all abuse against women.

I mean WHEN have you ever seen them ‘admit’ they agree on anything?!  The extremists in both camps would rather be put to death it seems like.

I guess I seem to get more angry at the complementarians, because of their bull headedness towards being right.  I’m not saying the feminist’s don’t do that, but complementarians should know better.   

Whether or not they like the feminists they are to be Christ like towards them, and they have just as much fun throwing out myths and downright lies about the group overall.

Both groups I have seen use scare tactics, and it personally seems to me Christians are called to be above that.  

Since complementarians love the word ‘worldly’?  Their behavior shows they are projecting it, and please don’t use the excuse ‘we are all sinners’ okay?  Its been going on long enough they should have grasped a clue a while ago and stopped.

There are VOLUMES written on authority and submission – biblical roles for the genders, etc.  When it comes to family violence, or domestic violence very little is mentioned at all.  Have I seen even a small approach to address this?  Yes. 

What is sad is then you see video’s like John Piper and Wife submission, and you sit there wondering if they actually believe what they say.  Why?  It tends to go against the ‘stand on abuse’ that they wrote prior.

Things everyone has to admit

If we look at history, and the treatment of women from the past to the present?  No one can deny the abuse that has gone on, and is still present even today.  The children suffered as well, because they were at the bottom of the totem pole.  I honestly don’t understand why people get defensive about that fact.

We have removed laws that made beating of wives legal, and we have even had past church leaders such as Augustine blame the women if they were being beat.  The extremes of the past?  We all know there were abuses.  

Extreme form today?  Look at the middle east.  The misogynist attitude has always been around, and its amazing that people wish to deny it.

In the Christian context?  How often do we hear if women would do their part properly:  Submission, modesty, roles, etc. they wouldn’t get raped, abused and mistreated.

Too often you hear pastors, and female mouth pieces telling women they are to take it with humility.  On the other hand, excuses about how people can only take it so long before they lash out with justification.

Steven Tracy, author of Mending the Soul reminds us that:

So for many abusive men, in order to maintain their fragile sense of masculinity, they use physical force to keep their wives in their “proper place” and to squelch all threats to their limited male potency. This dynamic of insecure, powerless men using force to control their wives helps to explain why assault and homicide rates are highest when a woman separates or threatens to separate from an abusive husband or boyfriend. In other words, abusive men must be in control, and threats to their control of the relationship must be dealt with by force if necessary. Physical abusers also tend to employ many other forms of control (verbal threats, control of the finances, control of her relationships, etc.) to dominate and subjugate their
wives.

The fragile sense of self isn’t just based in gender, because women can be dangerous as well when they feel powerless.

No More Justifications

You often read about how its selfish to proclaim your ‘rights’, etc.  I firmly believe that is a diversion, because everyone needs a healthy sense of self.  Normally, those that are quick to call you selfish are also quick to remind you of others ‘God Ordained’ role, position, etc.  It’s a spiritual pixie dust way of proclaiming their ‘rights’.

There is no doubt in my mind that faith in Jesus Christ has moved men and women to be more kind, compassionate, grace filled, and in short transformed their lifes!  My uncle I mentioned above was a missionary, and it was clear how Jesus was a primary role in how he lived and treated others.

What seems to be lost on the complementarians is that certain men will use their teachings as justification of power and enforcement.  I have seen too many use the excuse that God will transform them, and all will be well with the world!  Sadly, after that they encourage their family members to act in ways that would enable the sinful behavior. 

I was truly taken back when Shirley Taylor quoted Dorothy Patterson:

Dr. Dorothy Patterson said “Whenever my husband tells me to do something, and even though I know it is wrong, I just have to do it, and he stands accountable before God.” (used by permission Christianity Today 1998)

It seems to me that complementarians have a real problem noting the limits of what they see as men’s authority, and headship.  Jesus noted:

Matthew 20:25-28 ISV  But Jesus called the disciples and said, "You know that the rulers of the gentiles lord it over them and their superiors act like tyrants over them.  (26)  That's not the way it should be among you. Instead, whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant,  (27)  and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.  (28)  That's the way it is with the Son of Man. He did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people."


The above scripture doesn’t say that no one can have authority, but it does place limits or boundaries upon the role – even a biblical role.

How often do we hear that truly abusive circumstances are few and far between?  Phyllis Schlafly decided since she has never dealt with domestic violence, or know someone involved with domestic violence?  If you run into a friend like that – get new FRIENDS!

John Piper attempted to deal with submission and domestic violence, and his example of it?  Group sex. 
Now how to apply realistic forms of domestic violence in the church when well known pastors aren’t even comfortable talking about it?  Seriously. How.

Learn to deal properly with the least of these

It is much more realistic that a wife will face the dilemma of how to respond to a husband’s verbal abuse, harsh punishment of the children, or demeaning treatment.  Its all well and good to say you should NOT submit to sin, but at what point does biblical submission allow a wife to go against her husband’s decisions?

John Piper encourages you to come to the church for help, but his ‘example’ using group sex to show how he understands domestic violence in the church?  It shows he doesn’t, and people will be afraid to come to the church.

Bruce Ware got into a lot of hot water with his comment:

and their husbands on their part, because they are sinners, now respond to that threat to their authority either by being abusive, which is, of course, one of the ways men can respond when their authority is challenged,

Now if you look at the above quote?  Does it show the boundaries of authority, headship, or his biblical role?  No.  It puts men in a box as well.  Bruce Ware decided that if you don’t treat men in the fashion he sees as biblical he will either get abusive or act feminine (laid back).

Keep in mind some complementarians are softer in their beliefs.  There are men that truly understand the serving of others. 

When you look at history that shows the domination, control, and abuse towards women and children JUST due to gender or position?  Then you have silly examples of how the church claims they understand domestic violence in the church by using things like:  Group Sex, men get aggressive when a threat to their authority is present, get new friends if know victims, etc?

Why they can’t grasp that the impression that their form of patriarchy can encourage abusive men to take their teachings and run with it?  Back off the hatred of feminists, and think about it.

While I don’t agree with, ‘Patriarchy is the ultimate cause of all abuse against women.’ I can certainly understand WHY they get that impression.

They need to point out the boundaries clearly, and speak against those with a low sense of self – that take the teachings and use them as competition.  It doesn’t mean I’m on top and you are below me.  I’m in control and you are to follow me.  You are to do as I say, when I say and how I say – or else I have the biblical justification as HEAD to make you remember WHO is in charge!



If complementarians can’t admit that happens?  Which sadly, they seem to think NOT so much – the fear will remain towards them as NOT being safe.

Formulating lies and scare tactics towards feminism is just going to cement that fear even more firmly.

The bible does state how to deal with the ‘least of these’, and so far?  They have completely missed the target.

Invisable Line of Domestic Violence

We had area where we used to go and visit for long weekends.  It was a rural area, and the deer were plentiful.  Time had already taken out the natural predators (like wolves, etc) due to the threat to humans, and the deer were over taking the area.  They were killing all the vegetation.  You see the animals knew the boundaries of the vacation areas, and knew the hunters could not cross that line.

What the animals may not have realized is they were killing off their food sources as their numbers grew, and the food sources were not as plentiful anymore. They were facing a new type of death, and that was starvation.

Soon people realized they had to do something with this booming population, and they brought in professional sharp shooters to bring the number of deer down to a manageable population.  As you can imagine some people were very upset over this.  They felt the death of these animals over the vacation homes flowers, trees and vegetation was just plain sinful. 

I can understand their view on the surface okay?  What they didn't see was the bigger picture of what would happen to these animals - and the area - if the food sources disappeared.  It wouldn't benefit anyone, and animals aren't likely to move outside the invisible line at the time just for food.  You would think so wouldn't you?  The deer meat was donated to local homeless shelters, and rest of the deer population had enough food to survive the winter.

Some deer were cocooned in that small vacation area for so long they didn’t realize there was life outside the invisible line.  There were deer that stayed inside the invisible line once the sharp shooters came, and then you had those that scattered. 

What would happen if the sharp shooters never entered the area?  In time after the land completely went to waste the deer would have moved on, but not until the resources were completely gone and many deer had died. You now have a whole section of land that went to waste, and those factors that surround that issue.  Then you have this population of unhealthy deer, and the effects of those deer integrating into the more healthy population of deer outside that invisible line.  Most people I think realize you don’t want sickly animals within healthy ones without a plan of action.

Is my husband giving me the silent treatment?

I was on a faith board recently, and I read a note from wife.  It was short and sweet with not much information to go on.  She was wondering if what she was experiencing was the silent treatment from her spouse.  Here is a summary of what was said, but not word for word:

Communication is impossible for my Husband to have with me. It's been 12 years, and he has yet to have a conversation with me that is on any kind of adult level. He will not talk most of the time, even to our children. We went to therapy, and he literally could not give an answer to any question. The silence was deafening. Finally, after many visits I was told to lower my expectations, and I would not be disappointed anymore. I don't know how much more hurt I can handle. This is not healthy for my children and me. Does God want me to continue on letting him treat us this way?

When I think of the silent treatment it comes to a form of emotional abuse its normally a tool they use to hurt someone.  The silent treatment is a childish way of abusing a person, and in most cases I would tell you to just do life as if they were not in the room. (yes I have done that)  I realize that is easier said than done, and in some cases that does ignore the fear factor.  In other words, you are waiting for the bomb to drop.  You tend to walk on eggshells during this period, and its one of the most hurtful and scary things.  You just know when they finally DO SPEAK all hell will break loose.

There is one thing that I have noticed with human nature within the Christian realm especially, and that is to assume that the woman is just expecting to much.  There were statements like, "Are you sure he literally isn't saying word?"  Opinions of how he could be he is just a quiet person, and you just don't want to look for those non verbal clues. 

Annulment catholic church and Domestic Violence

I came across an article called, 'A new theology of divorce'. Mike Sweitzer-Beckman is the author, and he was speaking about he was one of the statistics when it comes to children of divorce.  He isn't one of those that seemed all that harmed by it as he speaks of his parents, and later their new marriages and his new step siblings.

He spoke of a number of different circumstances of annulment that people he knew from the Catholic church had gone though personally.  I'm not Catholic myself, but I have heard about the process a number of times from people I know.  I wanted to point this article out, because it seems one of my most popular articles on this blog from the past was Marriage Annulment Grounds in the Catholic Church. 

5 reasons domestic violence isn't addressed in church

Houston's Praise 92.1 Radio had an article by Noelle Sewell regarding the top 5 reasons the church doesn't address domestic abuse.

Should we try to add to the list or do you think the list is fine the way it is?

Number one reason is the pastor himself could be the abuser

They themselves maybe or have been perpetrators of domestic violence (Yes I went there). There are pastors who are perpetrators and their deacons, elders and ministry leaders know it but they are afraid to call them on it. Often times the church leaders don’t want to appear to be attacking the pastor, cause disruption in the congregation, being shunned by other members, being removed from their ministry position, being asked to leave the church. Now you should make sure that there is abuse before approaching the pastor. Pray about if you have any doubts because once you make the accusation and it not true it will be difficult to restore the person’s reputation. If you witness it you need to address it with the leadership so both parties involved can be offered assistance. Be prepared to be osterized or removed from a position and/or asked to leave the church if the leadership is not ready to address the issue with the pastor.

Stop Wounding Me With Your Mouth

I came across an article in The Herald out of Ohio.

Program targets domestic violence  Women receive advice, support

By Patrick Cooley
Herald Staff Writer

SHARON —

A dozen women watched as images of women, abused and beaten by their husbands and boyfriends, came across a computer screen at the center of New Life Covenant Church in Sharon on Saturday morning.

Many said the images were hard to watch, and a few were brought to tears.

“Looking at those videos, it brought back a lot of memories,” said Laura, a Farrell woman who asked that her last name not be used. “It was hard to watch, but I think it was something that I needed (to watch).”

Laura, who was a victim of an abusive relationship for five years and stays at the ARC House in Farrell, was among those attending “Stop Wounding Me With Your Mouth,” a program that dealt with domestic abuse, specifically how verbal abuse can be hurtful and escalate into physical abuse.

Each of several speakers urged women to remove themselves from abusive relationships and to reach out to the victims to let them know there are resources to help them.

“I need you to be muscular Christians,” said Lizette Olsen, the director of AWARE, a domestic violence advocacy agency.

She said a survey by the Mercer County court system in 2009 showed that more than 4,800 families in the county had been affected by domestic violence.

“You might ask, ‘Why don’t some of these women just leave?’ ” Ms. Olsen said. “For some of them, this is all they’ve ever known.”

She said that many women come from a culture where they are told this is acceptable behavior, and where they are repeatedly told to keep family matters within the family.

“Shame is a powerful motivator,” Ms. Olsen said.

She also spoke about systematic ways women are degraded.

“It’s not just the under-educated,” Ms. Olsen said. “I’ve had women who are doctors, lawyers and pharmacists who don’t know how much money they make because whenever they get money, they have to hand it over to their husbands, because he tells them they’re a woman and too stupid to handle money.

“One of the most empowering things we can do is take them to the bank to start their own checking or savings account,” she said. “Some of the women are shaking because they’re so scared, they think their husband might know they’re there.”

Ms. Olsen said many men will use the threat of violence as a method of control over their spouses and girlfriends.

Another speaker was Malinda Gavins, who is on the board of directors of the Ohio Domestic Violence Network and State Coalition for Domestic Violence Programs.

When you talk to a domestic violence victim they will tell you they heal from (physical wounds) much more easily than the emotional wounds,” she said. “Those are the wounds the courts don’t want to deal with.”

Ms. Gavins said the youngest victim she’s seen was a teenager whose mother sold her into marriage, and the oldest victim she’s seen was an 82-year-old woman.

“She said the first time her husband beat her, she called her mother and her mother said, ‘Welcome to marriage,’ ” Ms. Gavins said.

She said that making degrading statements about women is something that has become commonplace in the culture and especially in genres of music, and urged parents to talk to their children, boys and girls, at an early age.

“They’re already hearing the music,” Ms. Gavins said.

The Rev. Patricia Tatum, pastor of New Life Covenant, said it is part of the church’s mission to reach out to victims of domestic violence. She said the church will be having classes for victims and anyone interested in attending should call 724-494-8735.

Shows and Movies for Abuse Support

Shows and Movies


SHOWS

Victim of Emotional Abuse Speaks out on the TODAY show. approx 9 minutes
Toxic Relationships on Today Show. approx 8 minutes
Toxic Relationships on Today Show PT II. approx 9 minutes
Hidden Victims of Domestic Voilence (Discovery Education Channel) 35 min.
Robin Givens Talks about Faith and Domestic Violence
Sacred Silence (Discovery Education Channel) 25 min.
20/20 Segment on domestic abuse
Series of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse you hear, feel, and see  Super NannyChild Abuse: Family Matters (Discovery Education Channel) 25 min.

MOVIES

Breaking the Silence - Children's Stories of Domestic Violence

The Color Purple

What's Love Got To Do With It

Gospel of John Day 1

Gospel of John - Day 2

Gospel of John - Day 3

Facing the Giants

Cry for Help - The Tracy Thurman Story

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

This is the third and final part using the show from the Wife Swap to show that women can be abusive also.

Part One and Part Two show what has happened up to this point, and Part three? This is the final blowout!




Jay finally blows that leaves the table himself, but he quickly returns at his wives request.

Lin decides she will change the mood of the table, and attempt to show the NICE parts of her week. Tony points out to her that when she was in charge? She never said one selfish thing, or acted in one selfish way. That did NOT go over well in his wife's presence!

Their attempt? It pretty much failed Rebbecca completely. You see the world is about HER, and those nice things? They should be showered upon HER as well!

Tony mentions the exercise routine that she worked out with him, and nicely asked if his wife would like to participate with him after their child goes to school. "GREAT" in a very nasty tone she responds with.

Jay nicely speaks to her, and tells her that this is a good thing. It will be a good thing for the both of them to participate with. Tony knows that if they BOTH do this its likely they continue compared to just ONE of them would be best. He also knows she might talk him OUT of doing this, because she needs him to do other things instead.

Did you see her LOOK as well? Yikes talk about EVIL!

AFTER THE SWAP?

Jay has a new appreciation for his family. He participates more with the household, and spends more time with his child. They have decided there are drill sergeant days and there are going to be sweet romantic days as well.


The BOSS at the other house? It meant Rebbecca got things back to the way she wanted them. She didn't want him to take the DJ job, and he had to decline.

She mentions that she didn't want him to change, and he doesn't need to change. WELL maybe the exercise part was okay, but the rest of it? She doesn't want things to change a bit. Why would she? Where is the incentive for her to?

You see she can say her family is first and foremost in her mind and heart, but actions speak louder than words. Her children aren't first, and her husband? That is FAR from a 50/50 partnership! You had better TELL her it is, but in reality it isn't. Remember when she mentioned how JAY was just going with the motions? She never even attempted them. True abuser fashion!

The exercise part that rubbed off on Tony? HER words, "I don't CARE!" They took a walk, and of course her opinion? Its not a good use of TIME! How long before she demands he stop that now?

When you have an abusive spouse that sees NOTHING wrong with their world? That is going to be HARD to make her see that others may not feel the same way! What makes it harder still? In her own words, "She doesn't care!" That woman is terribly emotionally and verbally abusive. At this point I think Tony is totally broken, and doesn't know what to do. He shows his love, and all she wants is MORE! Remember she wants her 50/50!

Tony was just being thoughtless, and YES even arrogant! He saw that and is in the process of changing that. YES people can change, but you have to admit what is there in order to DO THAT! I didn't truly see fear and intimidation on her part (Lin) towards Jay. I can't say that with Tony! He is intimidated by her!

Could a bit of assertive nature help? SURE it could! Can you imagine HER reaction to that? If I were guessing I doubt anyone ever pointed this out to him. In real life? He would be shamed by others for NOT being a man. NOT HELPFUL but hurtful advice. Break him a bit more why don't you?! Women are told to be nicer and more submissive. Men are told to STEP UP. Neither forms of advice are helpful, nor do they care fruit. The chances of Tony being in denial to help him deal with his world? VERY likely just as woman do.

What people don't concentrate on to much? The other side of this. How to handle the I DON'T CARE and GET OUT OF MY WAY type of person? They care MORE about themselves than anyone. Where would the incentive be to change? To see the light? To COME out of the COMA?

The Abusive Woman - The other side. You see abuse isn't about gender. Its about brokenness. Its about hurt and pain. Its about denial and control. Doesn't matter the gender does it? Its there no matter WHOM it happens to!

The other parts of the series of the abusive woman

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

Yesterday I started to talk about the Abusive Woman using a show someone sent to me. The show is Wife Swap, and we have the two button pushers from both families living together. The more laid back counterparts? The are in the other home.




What's funny is Jay mentions, "When is she going to come out of her coma, and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her?"

ITS true in this situation, but its also true with his viewpoint towards things! He will at least come up for air in time!

It has been 4 days of her sitting on the sofa, and playing sick. She refuses to even do the dishes, because HE needs to realize marriage is a partnership. (giggles - oh boy!)

She totally dropped the ball with everything, because she doesn't 'want to'. I was surprised at how nicely he put it to her in a confrontation, and telling her he will treat her like a queen next? YIKES! That will help huh? NOT!!

THE SWAP Happens!

Lin decides she will be the new boot camp instructor within the home. What was kind of neat about that was she was going to TRY to get HIM to feel better about himself. She was going to be that 'helper' we hear about. Her whole focus is HIM, and she will try to help him get control of his life as she puts it. She will also place some focus on the children that Rebbecca also neglects.

Did you see the man's face when she told him HE was going BACK to being a DJ!!!!!!! He lit up didn't he?

Jay on the other hand is told that he will cook, clean, and do all the WIFE role stuff. What is his attitude compared to her's? YES MAME!

She took away the army clothes, and told him he WILL get involved with his daughter's interests this week. No more exercise, but quality family time!

She also wishes to show him a bit of spice and romance that his wife will feel once she returns. He is a bit insulted by the fact she insists he doesn't appreciate his wife, and he leaves the room upset.

Tony of course didn't take to the boot camp exercise to well at first, but she didn't scream at him over it. Its hard to change your lifestyle, and would be for anyone! Their daughter loved the attention given to her at cheer leading practice, and its clear she misses that from her mother.

Jay packed away his boot camp gear, and JUMPED right into his duties.

Rebbecca made some claim about him just 'going though the motions' so he can turn back to his old ways, and continue to be selfish. She basically projected things she will do to him. This is typical abusive behavior.

Its amazing how she can't see that trait within herself isn't it? That is what she did at the end! He didn't JUST go with the motions, but saw the light. You will see her ingrained root of rage, and control tactics the whole show.



Since Tony doesn't wish to take his exercise routine seriously Lin decides a major checkup at the doctor is needed to wake him UP! After the doctor scared him enough? He decided his children were motivation to take his health seriously, and stop being selfish as he put it. I hope he sincerely sticks with it. He seems like a nice man to me. I wouldn't wish anything to happen to him. He seems like a good DAD!

Jay of course as you can imagine is getting tired of being 'bossed' around, and confronts her about the 50/50 cut in her home. Its amazing she was SO SICK that she couldn't take the trash out, but sit there and complain about it. She could start the dishes, because she was able but refused to. He was doing it all, but he needed to step UP according to her!

Jay admits its amazing how someone can sit there and look at you with a straight face, and LIE about their contributions.

Abusers are very good at this. I have to wonder HOW they can do this myself!

Can you imagine people telling you that you may be a bit sensitive about that? How maybe you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Maybe they just need to feel your LOVE a bit more? Talk about frustrating and feeling not heard huh?

Victims hear this regularly. NOT just by the abusers, but from support systems they attempt to reach out to. HOW can they get control of things, and change the dynamics when everyone is not listening, or can't validate them in any way? If you can't admit how bad it is, and try to just sugar coat it? It brings helplessness to some, and downright anger to others. You can't blame either of them!

Lin is finding she feels good about giving support, instead of always ASKING for support all the time. She really can't feel that way at home if you look to Jay. He is the BOSS and LEADER of the home, and she is to follow orders. She maybe leading Tony at this point, but the attitude and intent is not the same is it? It seems to me that is the proper view of leadership. Why? People respond to that in a way that is good for everyone! I'm sure it looks different for other families, but I'm talking her approach. IT helps the family, and doesn't have to concentrate on feeling like the LEADER!

When it comes to 'family time' Jay is finding he has a whole new respect for what his wife does.

He also is finding that his little girl? WELL she isn't such a 'little girl' anymore, and he better get more involved with her life before her childhood passes him by.

Both Jay and his daughter are disappointed in Rebbecca that she is either sick or doesn't wish to do things.

They notice that she says one thing, and does another. As you can see from this dynamic it is not only Jay that is being taken advantage of in some ways, but its his daughter that is being neglected. Its not just the spouse that feels things, but the children as well.

Tony gets to try out his DJ job, and you can see how MUCH he feels good about himself in that role. Its like he has a new spring in his step!

His old radio station also offers him a job when he is ready. That just totally made his day! You can see even his daughter was excited for him, and she saw clearly how much that impacted him!

Jay and Rebbecca decide he needs a romantic dinner to remind him that his wife could use a little romance in her life! What happened when Rebbecca is called to task over her laziness, excuses, and la la land talk?

She refuses to participate and leaves.

How does she handle the confrontation at that point? She not only leaves the restaurant, but leaves his home to goes to a hotel. The next day she refuses to say goodbye, and goes to the spa instead.

All these shows end when the couples met together at a neutral spot, hug, and then go and sit down all four them together.

Rebbecca can't stand the attention of the cameras at this point, and totally refuses to participate in the last portion at all.

She threatens to stop the show if they don't get TONY in the car with her NOW!

Abusers do this all the time. They sabotage things they don't like when things get uncomfortable.

They don't like it if they are going to be confronted, or face with their own character flaws. She refuses to have ANYTHING to do with ANYONE! That was her form of control.

Tony has to remind her NOT to get mad at him because he is on her side. You notice she attacked him right off the bat? If something else is bothering abusers in life its quite normal for an abuser to attack their partner. Things are uncomfortable for them? They snap their partners heads right OFF! Does she sound like she would be in the mood to receive a nice, "Back off will you please" speech?

She makes it quite clear to him if he doesn't do as she expects? There will be hell to pay once she gets home. She does this before SHE allows any further production to continue! ON YEAH spoiled is a good word for it! Control freak abuser is another!

When Tony finally gets her to the table Jay makes it clear it was more than rude of her to make all of them wait. Granted maybe he could have done it differently, because I think he knew what her reaction would be. HE does have a point none the less!

Tony attempts to stick up for her, and Jay tells him how it was ALL WEEK! She of course interrupts, and he asks her to LET HIM FINISH! Abusers interrupt all the time, and in their intimidating ways? Victims don't normally get a chance to finish. They just won't listen to it. If they are pressed to? Chances are good payback is coming, or downright silent treatment is your punishment.

I can tell you right now Tony is going to be trouble as SOON as he gets in the car with her. HOW DARE he let that man even OPEN his mouth!

She made all kinds of excuses as to WHY she didn't help with anything. She was sick. She wasn't suppose to do anything. He points out to her that she didn't' have any issues sitting around doing nothing but barking orders!

The other parts of the series!

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!


The Abusive Woman - Final Part

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

From time to time people point out shows they have seen online that presents abusive traits in people. The one I wanted to show today was from Wife Swap, and we are going to SWITCH roles a bit! Why? The woman is the abuser!

I'm sure most of you know that I don't see abuse just in the eyes of women, and I do believe both sexes can be targets of abusive people.

Its an interesting program, and you can see good things and bad things from both families.



Johnson Family - Lin and Jay are the fitness family

Blackburn Family - Rebbecca and Tony are the at home business couple

The Johnson family not only surrounds their world with Fitness, but his military background encourages the extreme form of in charge type of leadership. Jay spends more time in his chosen lifestyle than he does with his daughter. After the introduction his wife Lin admits that she is in submission. She will mention that she does everything he does, plus all the housework duties. His response? 'You love our life don't YOU!' She wishes he could place the boot camp and exercise drills aside along enough to have something else in life. HEY maybe a little romance! His daughter wishes she could have more attention from him.

The Blackburn Family is a couple that claims things are done 50/50, and they also feel fitness is important. According to the program? She is the 'controlling force' in the home, and if fitness is important why he is over 370 pounds states the show producer. He does everything in their home while she sleeps, watches TV or gets a snack. What I giggled at? When the wives left for their new home? Tony says to Rebbecca, "Remember don't be to bossy!" During the introduction he mentions that she is not mean, but she likes to be obeyed. She said she doesn't see what she will gain from the swap personally, because everything she does is pretty right (with a huge grin). She didn't heed his advice later on regarding being bossy, and her abusive entitlement came into play.

When you hear the introductions you can see right away that the main button pushers? They will be living with each other in the SAME house! Jay and Rebbecca together? THIS will be fun huh?

You can see both of them have a bit of entitlement issues, and both of them seem to be in denial of things. Some people don't realize HOW they are coming off, and HOW things effect their families. Jay was open to changes after the show was complete, but Rebbecca wanted everything the same.

Wonder if either of them will wake up and smell the reality? WELL at least we know ONE does!




At the beginning the new wives arrive, and they read a little instruction manual as to how their home is run. As I'm sure with ALL of us if we had this happen would have giggles, OH BOY'S, and YOU have to be kidding me moments!

Tony is scared that she is going to work his butt off exercising, and I giggled because she knew he felt that way. You could tell she was going to attempt to be sensitive about this. Their daughter was thrilled because she helps cheerleaders in their fitness (cheerleading is the child's hobby) business. She is excited to know someone will be involved with her activities now.

Rebbecca tells Jay right off the bat she is spoiled, and his arrogance over the health and well being of his family is stated. He of course hints around at her lack of fitness. That doesn't sit well with her of course. There are ways of doing that, and other ways that cause people to be defensive. I think Jay doesn't seem to recognize he does get people defensive.

Lin is uncomfortable with the spoiled life style, and Rebbecca doesn't like to be taken advantage of. SHE claims that 50/50 deal arrangement for her home is what she is used to. She never sees that 50/50 never existed in her home, but loves to say it all the time. Quite normal for an abusive personality. They claim all kinds of things, but have nothing to back them up. I have wonder if saying things enough makes them actually believe it. Defensive mechanism for themselves maybe? I don't know.

When you go about 4:31 into the program is where Jay is attempting to be nice (although he is arrogant)about how she needs to get in shape if she wants to be there for her children. Hints that she will have a heart attack one day. I don't think I would have liked to be spoken to in that manner either, but part of the swap? Its to live the other families life for a week. She pretty much told you she isn't going to do that. When the going gets tough? The abuser digs in their heels.

If you watch closely they both Jay and Rebbecca TRY to get their points across to the other, and BOTH of them use diversion to pretend they didn't hear the other person's points.

As you can see both of them would NOT be very easy to get along with, or to find a place of resolution with. How great and grand would that be for anyone within a relationship if you are NOT able to resolve things? If they are able to? How completely exhausting that attempt would be! Can you FEEL IT?!

Then you have the two submissive parties in the other household. She was respectful to him towards his weight, and he appreciated it. You could tell he was ready to be attacked, and I'm sure we both KNOW by now who made him feel that way in the past.

One thing that did enter my mind as I watched this was hearing Pastors tell me this is a good example of how women wish to take over their leadership within the home. THIS is what happens when leadership is being usurp by women.

Given her attitude and you swap gender roles?

WHY the church would feel this dynamic within the couple would feel MORE comfortable to women? Think about that for a minute. I mean WHO WOULD?!

If it makes you squirm why would it not make others feel uncomfortable as well?

This has NOTHING to do with people 'wired to lead', etc. Its cruel and oppressive, and it would have that effect on anyone. You notice he is effected by this, and women in that area are not wired any differently. We are talking character flaws, and not ROLES here! Her behavior if it was a man would be used as showing leadership. If I were guessing unless a man had video tape like this? He would be dismissed in his way as well. They could be harsh and cruel to the man as well by telling him to MAN UP as well.

Its strange to me how people feel belittling people in that fashion would have a good outcome!

It has nothing to do with his 'manhood', and everything to do with unhealthy dynamic within their lifes.

DAY two happens and Rebecca refuses to get out of bed. Jay goes on with his day, and in his nasty mindset decides to mock her at practice.

She of course decides to deal with life with snacks and television. Remember she already made up her mind to dig in her heels. He isn't getting anything from her at this point. In her eyes? He started things, and she will end it her way.

SHE isn't going to do ANYTHING if she doesn't want to!

YOU are NOT going to force her, or talk her into it either!

She has an excuse for everything, and guess what?

THAT can cause resentment can't it? It would make no difference what gender it was, because resentment will happen with this 'I don't care' attitude! I will do what I want, and you DEAL WITH IT' attitude! Hinting at submission of just doing it? That enables bad behavior, and doesn't change a thing. THAT is what they WANT afterall! They like it the way it is! Why change it? They see no need, and there is nothing in it for them. They see no incentive AT ALL!

Part Two of the "The Abusive Woman - Watch the Other Side" is tomorrow!

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

Religious Abuse Religious Extremism

As I struggle with my anger over the story of Jaycee Lee Dugard I read a story regarding Elizabeth Smart as well.

In both cases, the accused abductor seems to have been motivated by religious extremism, Ed Smart said.

"It makes you angry that anyone would use God as an excuse to rationalize their predatory behavior," he said.

It amazes me that most people can connect the dots with the religious abuse - among other forms of abuse - with these two ladies, but can't see the downright screwy thinking of the church regarding domestic violence of all forms.

I mean they use GOD to rationalize the abusive behaviors towards family members ALL THE TIME!

WORK ON YOURSELF

I remember years back when I started on my journey of learning that I had experienced abuse. What I was living with was indeed abuse - verbal and emotional abuse. I didn't recognize the physical abuse right away. I assumed that getting the snot kicked out of me was the only form of physical abuse. I learned later that was incorrect as well.

There were a number of people that KNEW I was being abused, and yet never pointed that out to me. They never told me I was being abused. I had never heard of emotional abuse, verbal abuse at the time. They knew I was in the dark about the issues, and instead I was told to 'work on myself'. That was a form of religious abuse to me. Why? It was never validated that what I was dealing with was WRONG on so many levels. I don't have an issue with 'working on yourself', but how can you truly do the work that is needed if people can't vocalize the core issues?

If you can't call out the sin that was happening in my life HOW do you work on it? How can you 'work on yourself' if no one will tell you what you are dealing with? People say that abuse victims are codependent. How certain behaviors of that codependency actually enables the abuser to continue. How you need to learn proper boundaries, and learn to disengage when it comes to certain actions or behaviors. That was 'secular' talk. I don't agree with some of the opinions of the secular concept either, but at least they hit closer to validating my reality at the time!

God, the Cosmic Janitor would fix everything if I just did things the right way! I loved the way Adventures in Mercy described this concept so well! How if I just believed in the Spiritual Pixie Dust they were handing me all would be well! Just follow their instructions step by step, and things will just magically turn around! My faith and commitment to my marriage would be in question if I wasn't willing to do so after all! Do this to the best of my ability! They would tell me if 'best of my ability' was fulfilled! For some reason I wasn't able to gauge that from what I was told. Their definition was religious extremism, and they always had an out about HOW you must not be doing something right if it didn't work!

So how do you 'work on yourself'? Here is the quote from Adventures in Mercy that I thought nailed it on the head!

When I was twenty and full of idealism, I thought that being a Christian meant I would be spared from heartache and spared from the bad things that happen to those poor non-Christians. I thought that if another person said they loved Jesus (and honestly did), that meant they would not do bad things, or that, if they did, they would quickly ammend them upon consideration.

I thought that if I followed the five steps to success, or the a-b-c’s of perfect family’s, or plastered Bible verses all over my wall, that we would be protected from sin and the fall and the destruction that it brings. I thought the Bible-based books I bought would help me fix all problems. I thought that Christian service and Bible memorization would innoculate us from dealing with hard things in hard ways.

I thought that Real Life on Planet Earth didn’t apply to me.

That attitude is so common its sickening! I do remember questioning this concept, but I was quickly shamed over that way of thinking. Why didn't I clue into the fact that was the wrong way of handling things as well? I was used to being shamed, guilted, and told WHAT is WRONG WITH YOU! Just follow the program WILL YA! That wasn't just happening with my marriage, but also my childhood had shadowed this same line of thinking. They had a different way of doing it, and I just assumed that is how the world turned.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

There are situations in life where the phrase does apply, but NOT within an abusive environment. I couldn't understand WHY people need to nit pic over every last detail to find that ONE portion of the relationship that was wrong - so they could use this phrase to hang their hat on!

OH dear! It sounds like your husband tends to be a bit of neat freak, and all you need to do is STEP IT UP a bit in the cleaning of your home! I always go out of my way to SERVE my husband in ways he likes! Granted my husband wouldn't call me those filthy names if I didn't, but maybe there are other things you are doing to push those buttons of his! It takes TWO TO TANGO!

What does that tell a victim? It tells them that their house cleaning that isn't up to par for the abuser, and you pushed their button by NOT doing it THEIR way! Granted SOME people don't call people NAMES over this, but there has to be something else IN ADDITION to this to make him act this way!

You see people within the christian bubble don't act irrational! ONCE you get married all the rules CHANGE! Look for that reason they were justified so you can STOP IT the next time! We are sinners that can't call out the sin without finding the sin on the other side as well! NOW - try finding that verse in the bible!

All their advice did was make me feel worse. I was this bad awful person that caused others to abuse me. I wasn't good enough in childhood, and now not good enough in marriage. People will ALWAYS find something wrong with me! I will never have the 'chaste' behavior down perfectly, and I will always be doing something in my life to screw it up! I will never be deserving of love, respect and honor. Why? I'm not perfect and never will be. I followed the program, and yet my effort wasn't good enough. How can I be good enough for you God?

People with a crushed spirit have now been ground into the earth, and transformed into DUST!

SPIRITUAL PIXIE DUST OR SECULAR ADVICE

I found the concept of verbal abuse one night on the internet, and it was recommended that I read, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I have to tell you it was hurtful and painful to read, but it was like a LIGHT went on in my life! I remember since I lived in a black and white world some of the concepts didn't apply, so of course I spent alot of time talking myself OUT of this concept of 'verbal abuse'. I didn't fulfilled every last concept, so of course it didn't apply to me.

I went outside the church for help with encouragement from people online. I was asked to contact my local domestic violence shelter. The thought of that scared the daylights out of me. Are they going to tell me my situation doesn't apply? Are they going to tell me it isn't that bad? What if they tell me I was silly, and called the wrong place? The thought of more rejection just paralyzed me. I just couldn't figure out WHAT I was doing wrong that made life so painful! I'm NOT saying I felt I was an angel, and perfect in every way! Believe me life had already shown me I was far from that! I think I just didn't wish to risk someone telling me yet again how this had to be something I did to cause this. I felt awful because I couldn't figure out what that evil was within me, and what they attempted to show me about myself certainly didn't fit the bill of evil.

Because It Matters recently wrote an article about her struggles called, Dealing With the Aftermath of Abuse.

When I was in my late 20s I realized I had nightmares most nights and had for as long as I could remember. These nightmares were the product of the church terror motivation campaign – the world is out to get Christians and will torture and kill us all if they get a chance (including showing graphically violent movies depicting this to teens and adults – talk about abuse!); the government is controlled by evil gremlins who hate Christians and will tear apart Christian families if they get a chance; etc.

On the other side of the coin was the church’s constant drill that I was inherently evil and unacceptable. In real life I was regularly held up for public reprimand and ridicule in youth group and at Christian school and that phenomenon appeared in my dreams frequently as well – though I followed the rules religiously. Fortunately, I knew my parents loved me, but in my dreams they turned on me just like the church did. Those dreams were a reflection of what was happening in real life, just magnified and concentrated.

Realizing I was being plagued by nightmares allowed me to address those fears on a conscious level. But they reappear from time to time still. In more recent years, the dreams that haunt me are of my marriage and rejection by the church.

The Religious Extremism kept me feeling guilt and shame. I learned that even if you are unequally yoked that a magically transformation by your chaste behavior could even turns things around. I was noticing that no matter WHAT your circumstance was 'people with little faith' were the ones that struggled, and didn't think their life would turn around if they followed their program. I was beginning to wonder if the mercy, grace and love was something you get to experience once you got into heaven only. WELL for certain people like me of course! I couldn't do anything right so of course that didn't apply.

I learned alot of the advice I was receiving was making my situation worse, and the shaming that I felt over it was a form of religious abuse. If you can't vocalize the reality of my world you can't help me cope with it. I learned within the years the church does divert conversations about my life just like he did. They projected their issues upon me just like he did. SURE it was a different form, but between the both worlds? My faith and home? Both made me feel worse about ME, and I was wondering if I would ever be good enough to love. Love like they said God loves you - not the 'love is just a feeling' type they hit you with. That statement confused me in my circumstance and I felt I was expecting to much from my life and faith. Maybe I was just solidly warped.

My counseling with the domestic violence shelter validated some of the things I wanted to own that no one would allow me to. It wasn't my fault, or something I did to HIM to make him abuse me. Being a better wife doesn't stop the abuse. Playing my role better doesn't change him. They didn't encourage me to leave and divorce. They didn't attack my faith. They didn't shove divorce lawyers down my throat, and tell me how MAN oppressed me. They didn't do any of the things that I was told they would do. They were perfectly okay with me taking a long time to feel safe around them.

The second book I read was Lundy Bancroft's, 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. I have to say I think I enjoyed that book more than Patricia's book. He broke things down into smaller pieces for me to understand. He spoke of different types of abusive behavior, and he labeled them for me. Some of the behaviors I didn't experience, but there were some I clearly did. WOW it wasn't my imagination afterall! People do actually ACT like this, and YES it is okay to admit it is damaging! WOW! Why did I have to stay in this tortured state all this time? Why can't people just admit it? I had to wonder after a while if they felt the group might question their faith, walk, etc if they dared validate me.

I did find some faith based material on the subject after a while, and I found that huge chucks of it are rejected by the church. The books I spoke about helped me own my reality, and learn to cope with it. My counseling at the domestic violence shelter helped me learn about aspects of me and my experiences in life that were priceless. I found forums online like OUR PLACE, that I could talk to both people of faith...lol and just plain secular people that helped me on this journey.

I found that God does love me, and he will help me along my journey. I'm okay speaking my truth, and if people want to attempt shame me over it? So be it! I won't live their reality anymore. Its not healthy for me. Its okay to have my voice, and speak out against their contradictions and unhelpful viewpoints. Its okay to tell them they are damaging the people they claim they wish to help. God gave me the gifts he gave me, and he also gave me the strength and love he wanted me to have. Man will not tell me not to use them due to some equation they have to fulfill their definition of a Christ follower. I like reality better. My life has alot of hurts, but now I can feel God's love. With all their advice? That is something they just couldn't show me. Their pride and unwillingness to humble themselves to that reality shows me things that I needed to see. They may claim I'm blind, but who is seriously! Who is blind here? It took books, forum, domestic violence shelter, and some fellow Christians that think outside the box to help me see that God loves me. I'm okay with all my warts, because he still loves me. He doesn't have unrealistic hoops for me, and he lead to healing.

I don't need the Religious Extremism, and their list of rules to follow their program. I refuse to take the shame and guilt over their religious abuse to keep me down from reality. I will pray for them, and I hope they soon see the light of truth is better than warping reality into something that makes it more palatable for them.

Mr. Smart said: "It makes you angry that anyone would use God as an excuse to rationalize their predatory behavior," he said. Isn't though?