The other side of the story

I believe it was a couple of months ago I had posted a message from Jimmy Carter.  He had spoke about the abuse of women within the faith realm.  Recently, I had was reading ibelieve.com and someone posted an article regarding a message he recently again stated.  Jimmy Carter: Abuse of Women? Blame the Catholics and Southern Baptists.  It was amazing to me how not one of the people looked to read the transcript, or even listen to the short audio message the man presented.  They just assumed what the article said was so, and when others posted what was actually said?  His politics were the response.  They wouldn't go near the truth.

I noticed that when some were trying to point out the inaccurate information within the article that those posters were accused of NOT living during the man's time being President.  They were told they didn't understand the man's politics. 

I remember those years very clearly myself.  I had parents on both sides of the political realm, and YES that made for some interesting dinner conversations.  I will mention they did keep it respectful.  I wasn't the type of child (or young adult at that point) to engage with the conversations, but my younger brother just thrived on it.  I remember he had a huge world map that took up his entire one wall in his bedroom, and during the time he literally took a black sharpie marker to remove Iran off it.  He also had an American flags in his bedroom window for each Hostage that was being held.  The intensity of the conversations during that time for dinner?  WELL it was on high alert, and I never was like my brother as he got into the discussions.  He did very well defending his views, but I felt intimidated by whole conversation myself.  It was a very intense time in history, and I remember wondering if I asked a question would it be more like jabbing a stick into a beehive. I wasn't ever really comfortable with politics as a child, but as I grew older I tend to discuss it in small portions at a time.  My brother got another world map AFTER this time, and I noticed he left it alone this time! 

It seems once a person is branded  you just can't look at anything else they have to say within that faith board.  I knew that Mr. Carter had issues with the Southern Baptist or the SBC.  I couldn't believe that he would actually SAY the things the author of the article mentioned.  I searched the speech out, and found the transcript and sure enough that wasn't what he said.  The video presentation was what I sought out first.  Mr. Carter's transcript on what he said is what I searched for next. 

The article in question claimed:

Jimmy Carter has once again blamed traditional religion, particularly Southern Baptists and Roman Catholics, for "creating an environment where violations against women are justified".

I did a search of the transcript for the portion that was quoted. This is what was mentioned:

This view that the Almighty considers women to be inferior to men is not restricted to one religion or tradition. Its influence does not stop at the walls of the church, mosque, synagogue, or temple. Women are prevented from playing a full and equal role in many faiths, creating an environment in which violations against women are justified.

The truth is that male religious leaders have had – and still have – an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter.

The article quoted:

Their continuing choice provides a foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world," said Carter. Carter goes on to list horrific violations against women such as rape, genital mutilation, abortion of female embryos and spousal battery.

What the transcript and video showed he said was:

Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world. This is in clear violation not just of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights but also the teachings of Jesus Christ, the Apostle Paul, Moses and the prophets, Muhammad, and founders of other great religions - all of whom have called for proper and equitable treatment of all the children of God. It is time we had the courage to challenge these views and set a new course that demands equal rights for women and men, girls and boys.

At their most repugnant, the belief that women are inferior human beings in the eyes of God gives excuses to the brutal husband who beats his wife, the soldier who rapes a woman, the employer who has a lower pay scale for women employees, or parents who decide to abort a female embryo. It also costs many millions of girls and women control over their own bodies and lives, and continues to deny them fair and equal access to education, health care, employment, and influence within their own communities.

The quotes caught a few people by surprise, and then of course the SBC or those that are 'Baptist' aren't naive and give dangerous advice to those victims of domestic violence.  I mentioned Paige Patterson's quick little remark about domestic violence, and just to add a bit of sugar gave them a link to the audio of him actually 'uttering' the ignorance they claim their church doesn't endorse.  You remember his advice?

He was approached due to this woman's husband beating her. She was told to go to the end of the bed each night, and when he is about asleep you start to pray for him out loud so he can hear. He told her to get ready, because he might get a little more violent. SURE enough she came to church that Sunday with both eyes black. She was angry at me and said, "I HOPE your HAPPY!" I told her, "Yes Maam I am, but I'm sorry about what happen." What she didn't know is her husband came to church, and he was staying in the back - when I gave the invitation to come to Christ - he came. "My wife has been praying for me, and I can't believe what I did to her! Do you think Christ would want someone like me?" NOW they have a great marriage, and it all came about because of she sought God.

I was told then:

let's not jump from a few idiots to an entire denomination. I know some really obnoxious atheists, but I have enough perspective to realize that not all atheists are like that. I am always mildly amused when people who decry stereotypes left and right try to lump a group of Christians into one stereotype. It's like their own hypocrisy escapes their notice.

They were actually shocked to find out that Paige Patterson isn't just any pastor; he's the president of the Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.   I mentioned what John Piper said about taking verbal abuse for a season, and maybe a smack for the night - then you could come to the church for help.  Once again they stated they had never heard a pastor condone domestic violence from the pulpit.  Then of course the typical comment came:

The last I heard God hates divorce. Why would any christian pastor support it? Maybe, just maybe, these pastors were trying to keep the marriage together. Maybe, just maybe, we don't know all the facts in those supposed situations where pastors counciled women to be "abused" by their husbands.

 Maybe just maybe the church just plain doesn't wish to face that their actions don't line up with their message.

Its like they are taking it as attack due to pride of a denomination, and not looking at the whole picture.  The Christian church ISN'T the only doing this!  You see other faiths such as Jewish or Muslim do the same thing, and justify it in their very own unique flavor of oppression just as the Christians do. 

I realize that men, women and children that are dealing with abuse tend to doubt their reality.  Its not US that are struggling with the reality of domestic violence, but the ones that don't have to when it comes acknowledging it exists and is happening!  When someone mentions that some misbehavior on your behave may have caused another person to abuse you?  Don't listen to the lies!  They are just not strong enough to handle the truth, and find the strength within you to find others that maybe scared as well - but are willing to place their faith towards what they know is right.  When it comes down to it?  We have alot of cowards within our houses of faith.  They may do awesome things in other areas, but when it comes to families NOT so much!  Their cowardly ways of not placing their faith in action towards hurting people show they may not be capable of acknowledging reality.  Don't spend the energy trying to get them to see, but spend your energy finding those that are willing to acknowledge it.  They are like abusers that refuse to hear, and all you do is bang your head against a wall.  Your first priority is your safety and well being.  If the house of faith isn't willing to step up and do what they say they will do - allow the secular world to help instead.  You see their faith can't be all that strong, and their truth can't be truth if they have to manipulate you with guilt.  They can acknowledge that spiritual leaders give rotten advice, but can't acknowledge that some may take that ignorance to heart?  Its not US - its THEM!  If they truly wished to help broken people did we not hand them that opportunity, and did they NOT take it?  They claim they don't know all the facts, and yet:

No, we don't know all the facts, but we do know what they said publicly. According to the descriptions given by the pastors themselves: one said women should be willing to take a smack. Another told her to antagonize a man who was physically violent.

and they claim their churches don't condone violence? Their leaders do, but they don't?  Those leaders are not dealt with, but ignored so is that WHY it doesn't happen to them?

If you place Mr. Carter's personal politics aside, and people bothered to listen to what the man said about faith and domestic violence?  They should be ashamed of themselves, but they aren't it seems.  Its easier to shame abuse victims, and ignore perpetrators of abuse just like their leaders do.  Maybe they can't acknowledge us because then they would have to acknowledge those leaders dangerous advice.  They call those that flee 'worldly', and yet their 'do as I say and not as I do' isn't for some reason.

The Christian faith states we are to be different from those of the world.  How are they different in this case?  Their acts of denial are different, and yet if you think about it - its not so different is it?  If you need help please run if someone is trying to guilt you into staying within a dangerous household.  If you have the church telling you that you can't be right with God if you flee?  Stop and ask yourself if they are willing to put their money where their mouth is!  Chances are they won't.  Those that find you a safe place are those that are safe themselves.  The rest just like spiritual pixie dust, and condone their spiritual leaders and their ignorant advice by NOT SPEAKING OUT AGAINST IT!  They aren't so right with God are they?  To me?  They are the ones that should repent, and yet their denial, pride and arrogance won't allow it.

They say there are two sides to every story!  Take a GOOD LOOK at their side, and let that marinate really well.  Do they stand for faith, truth and love?  To me it looks like cowardly.  They can't stand in faith knowing that truth, and showing love towards the victims as the bible calls them to do.  That's your other side the story!

TOOLS for change! Who is ready?

I was reading a story of a women recently, and how she is dealing with the guilt of never telling her father she loved him before he passed away. The dynamics of her childhood were not of a kisses and loads of hugs atmosphere.

If I were guessing there was a true lack of that, and that to a child is a sense of comfort. We all know some people just aren't capable of it for some reason, but it sounds like this and other dynamics caused distance between her and father during her childhood.

It sounds in part like a familiar story of a young girl rebelling, and finding herself abused, abandoned, and pregnant.

She was struggling at this point, and trying to get her life back on track. The distanced relationship with her father changed one day with a phone call. He wanted to help, and first and foremost? He wanted to babysit that grandchild, and wanted HER to go out and do something for herself. She needed a break, and he clearly saw that. It was the start of their rebuilding, renewing, and improving on that relationship of the past.

Tragically, her father had a car accident and later died from his injuries.

I never told him I love him. I had thirty days of being with him in that hospital and could never bring myself to tell him those three simple little words. Its been 14 years now and I still cry over it. How can a child not tell their own father who was dying that they loved him. Regardless of if he knew it or not, I never said those words and i cannot forgive myself. I cannot move on. I cannot let go. I need to tell him. I go to his graveside and tell him, but it doesnt help. I ask Jesus to relay the message, but it doesnt help. How do I forgive myself and move on? I cannot handle this anymore. I have to tell him!!!!

The love between them was clearly demonstrated, and YES people did mention she needs to forgive herself most of all! Her father knew, and even if words were not spoken he knows! It sounded alot like a prodigal son type of story! The story had a twist in this case!

He wasn't one that told her he loved her either, and his behavior at times in childhood sounds like alot of anger.

You could see the tools he had that may not have been healthy, and passed those tools onto his child.

I don't think she saw it, but we could all see it in what she said.

He pushed her to hard, and expected more than what she was capable of - in turn as adult she was never satisfied with her achievements. It wasn't PERFECT!

She opened up all the cans of worms of her sins after he passed away, and then wondered if her father was alive if he would have saved her those sins by his strictness.

Later on realized it was her own immaturity. It was the cartwheels of life you see either with yourself or others as you travel along that road of life.

Her guilt she knew was hindering her relationship with God as well. She was also starting to realize that the tools of her past play a part in her decisions, feelings, and patterns in her life.

She wanted to know how to change those tools - how could she change?

WHERE does she begin!

She received the, "Jesus will heal you" type of responses.

I KNEW she had just stepped on a landmine, and I'm SURE her mind was swimming! She had a hint, but wasn't sure YET about the tools of change.

BEING myself I just couldn't hold back at that point! LOL!



You can learn those tools! I did! I was a very frighten, lonely, and was abused in alot of ways as a child. I didn't know this fully at the time, but I figured it out later in life.

My parents didn't have the tools to deal with certain things the way they needed to, and I did suffer for that.

REMEMBER!!! You do the best you can with the tools you have available at the time.

My folks didn't have tools, and I can't blame them for that. It is what it is!

I had a warped way of viewing the world and the people within it due to that.

I had a different way of dealing with my faith due to that.

I'm sure some of the items I will struggle with all my life.

I didn't realize I was any different than anyone else. I was told I was a strong person, and yet I knew that was a role I played because I felt I had to. It was a way to stay safe.

I honestly thought everyone knew that, and other 'strong' people did the same thing!

Those were my tools at the time. I played a good role for a long time! No one knew about the abuse in my home, because I tried to reach out a couple of times and was ignored. I tried to confront and was belittled and shamed. You see everyone liked the role my folks were playing, and didn't want to go there. Between those parties (including the church) and the rest of the family - I learned real quick you need to hush and stay that way.

I was a child, and those tools came with me into adulthood.

I knew I wasn't strong enough to take them all on - or at least I didn't feel that way - and I just worked on my armor instead.

It was the only protective shield I had. I remember these LONG conversations with God as a child about this. I didn't blame him for NOT changing things, because I figured there must be SOME reason for it!

God was my only comfort then, and in his arms I did feel loved, understood, and had someone on my side.

I grew up, and was college educated, community oriented, successful in business, and well liked and respected by others. I still had my role, and it seemed to be working.

My personal life? WELL I was pretty much groomed in a way that didn't show me GREAT tools in that area! I figured out the game on how to make things look great on the outside, but I had no tools for a good intimate relationships.

The clues and the red flags? They were what I grew up with, and didn't have a clue on how to deal with them. I had already learned from the poundings I got as a child, and I was very scared and shamed about asking to many questions or commenting.

I was used to people telling me - what did you DO?!?! NO matter what happened!

It would be my performance that would bring good things, and a shamed based learning came if I didn't follow the formula.

I found myself in trouble (my marriage), and for the first time in my life? I realized I was abused.

Can you imagine? Figuring that out so late in the game? What did I do AFTER I got past the stage of trying to deny it? lol and believe me that was a battle in itself! HUGE BATTLE I mean WHO in their right mind would want to OWN that???

Next came that I shamed myself into thinking I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! How could I be so STUPID! What in heaven's name was I thinking!

You know what didn't help? Statements like,

"If people go into relationships with red flags what do they expect would happen?"

"Why don't they just leave!"

"Maybe if you just got right with yourself, and showed them love and respect they wouldn't do that to you!"

Those were not only humiliating, made me feel more shame, but were down right confusing. It sent me SPINNING for years!

When you don't have the right tools? Its pretty easy to take those statements, and really bury yourself in a hole. You don't have a healthy sense of self worth as it is, and it made me feel like it was all my fault all over again. They can't help because its my fault.

My childhood nightmares coming true all over again! People expect you at times I think to have tools they take for granted, and I seem to think that is part of the blind spot.

I never cried.

It wasn't a part of the armor I was comfortable showing. It gave me a great sense of shame even doing it privately.

I learned the deal is you have to learn. Things implode on you worse if you can't find a way to get past that. I think a sense of true depression for me?

It was due to me NOT having the tools for outlet of feelings, and those energies within turned against me and worked their destruction.

I thought only certain feelings were allowed to be surfaced, and you will pay for the rest. HOW wrong was I!

My father's death taught me how to cry. It was weeks after his death, and I was in the shower. No one was home, and just WENT with the urge! I wailed in agony! I was so exhausted I dragged myself to my bed. I told God I felt alone, and Daddy left me and was everyone going leave me? I swear I felt him wrapping his arms around me, and saying, "I will never leave you!" It soothed me enough that I fell asleep.

I found after that experience its much easier for me cry, and I tried my darnest NOT to fight it. It makes me human. If people say it is weak? I learned that is their issue, because I want to be human! If that makes sense!



I got help for my issues in a safe environment that didn't push or place pressure on me. It took years to come out of the fog that was my life! I practiced and acquired new tools.

Tools that others take for granted, and I'm proud to own now.

I dealt with an anger stage as well, and you know what? I think I needed it!

I was like a pressure cooker that only allowed little spits of steam to surface all my life.

It was nice and cleansing to get that toxin out of my system! It wasn't pretty either!

Its released now, and I get to start fresh!

I think that part of the healing others don't understand. That's fine - in some ways I'm glad they don't! That means they don't have the pain I did! I don't think I can explain it any better than that!

You can learn to cry and you can learn new tools. Its an awesome journey, but it isn't instant for everyone! I hear stories about how they just laid it on out, and the next day the sun came and shined all over them! LOL That's great, but the journey worked for me!

I was right. God had me deal with things for a reason. HEY maybe I was a smart KID afterall!

When my father died I wanted to tell him things on his deathbed. Dad was one that had anxiety attacks, and he was terminal. It was just a matter of time that day. I was afraid that what I said would make him worry instead of letting go.

I asked God to pass along the message. I have no doubt he did! Don't beat yourself UP over this! Its not worth it!

You need to let go, and allow God to show you those new tools he wishes you to have. Those are MUCH better than the pain you are keeping...believe me!



I guess the word TOOL made her realize things. She is going to go and find those tools, and I pray that she does find them!

Abusive people and their victims lack the tools for life. People think they have tools that most people have, and don't stop to think maybe there is a link there! Why? Because we don't! It could be for ALL kinds of reasons!

Submitting more and trying to be a better wife? Finding ways to respect and love my husband?

I learned to submit due to fear from childhood. Telling me you don't do that didn't compute. I didn't have the tools to grasp the meaning of that.

My submitting made an angry man feel more entitled to take it a step further.

He didn't have the tools to realize that loving and sacrificing wasn't a sign of weakness. He needed the power over, and the AUTHORITY they teach? That was an awesome tool, but he couldn't grasp that wasn't what was being told to him.

The sugar sweet messages on HOW to approach husbands when you are unhappy? Those are a sign of weakness to an abuser, and he will take advantage of that. Why? That is what they do! Matter of fact they will rub your nose in the sugar sweet! They have NO GRASP on the tool of its intention!

Fixing one portion of the toolbox - the marriage - isn't going to bring restoration. Learning those tools is hard work, and it takes a commitment! I see so often these stories of seeing the sin, and the next thing you know this HUGE miracle happens...and they are transformed. I won't say that can't happen, but in most cases the journey for the tools is beneficial for the individuals. Could be why we don't see those instant transformations as often as people would like.

You can't do anything if you don't have the tools to make it happen. Don't shame yourself over the tools you didn't have in the past! That would be silly! Acknowledging tools that you need to acquire? Working for those? Those bring the change within you that God wants. TOOLS for change...Now who is ready?

Saudi Judge gives ignorant excuses for domestic violence. Are we much better?

Cnn.com was quoted this week:

Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."

The judge also ignorantly stated:

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.

We can all see the ignorance in those comments about what domestic violence actually is. The blog world is on fire about the judges comments, and people are making comments about how backwards this thinking is. That's being NICE!

As the author at It Dawned on Me stated

I lived in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for 14 months many years ago. Every time I see stories like this, it makes me angry. This is yet another example of men…and this time validated by a judge…using violence to subjugate women. Women have little opportunity to be indecent in this country. They wear veils everywhere they go. They cannot socialize, attend classes, work, or even be seen with a man who is not their husband. When friends come to visit in homes, men socialize with the men in one room and women visit with the women in another room.

What that author speaks about also is seen in the news, and it does set things up to be a no win situation for the women and children in part of the world. They also use this type of excuses when it comes terrorism as well. People pushed their buttons or made them act. They misuse the 'honor' word as an excuse for violence, and in a way to escape from personal responsibility.

I hate these stories as much as anyone I'm sure. I guess I'm also in the minority because YES you do hear about the vicious nature of some of the stories, but in our area of the world we just have a different way of saying basically the same thing.

What did you do to make him so mad?

You need to learn to submit more, and respect leadership within the home! Now go home, and pray to be a better wife!

That is what would be said - among other things - when a wife got slapped for overspending or being perceived that she has a wrong attitude.

We speak about how they are raised in that part of the world with this ignorant attitude towards women, and as you can see it was endorsed by a judge.

Here? Its endorsed by the church.

There are HUGE differences in some realms, but in others? Not so much from where I sit. We have our own ways of endorsing and enabling violence against others within our families. We sprinkle a little scripture on top, but can't do alot of things you see on the news due to our laws. They wouldn't get jailed there, but would here. Those women across the world do have it worse in alot of ways than we do on our side of the world, but we do have things in common. Our houses of faith endorse domestic violence in different ways, and neither of them call it out for the sin it is. Neither call it out for the pure evil that is violence against fellow humans.

We have separate excuses. We have separate ways of life.

We both encourage domestic violence by not holding people accountable, and calling it out for what it is.

SIN!

That Saudi judge needs education badly about the dynamics of domestic violence, but in some ways are we any better? Do our words give protection from abuse? We both have forms of religious abuse, and for some reasons ours is just more acceptable.

Why is that? Does that make it better because we do it different?

Damage of domestic violence, and the hard road to healing

This will be the final portion of the series, and I hope I have opened some eyes to things you need to see. Its very hard to place these actions into words, and then show the true impact to families. I'm hoping visuals will help in that area.

(This is a portion of the Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see.  Check this link for the different topics we covered)

The damage of these types of domestic violence relationships can last a lifetime if people aren't shown how to learn to deal with them. Healing is a long hard road for not only the abuser, but the victims they love. At times its the abuser that makes alot of promises, but the work is to overwhelming for them. They are going to need support of men around them (or ladies if she is the abuser), and people need to remember not to rely on the family to help to much with that. If they get to frustrated with things they will lash out at the family members once again. Remember following up with family members privately isn't a form of gossip, but will help you gauge if your path is the correct one. You also don't want the family to stuff the fear anymore.

In this segment Super Nanny is going to leave the family for a while to see if any changes within the dynamics can stick.



As you can see Phil has tried, and YES he does better in some areas. The root of rage within him is still present. Change isn't easy. He was trying very hard to be as honest as he could, but as you saw he broke the bond of trust once again. At times they will own their mistakes, but at others their defensive nature will come out. Keep in mind the family may get the wrath of that as well. Those patterns are hard to break.

I was happy to see during this show that Super Nanny didn't wait for Phil to get himself help. She found help for him, and pushed for his commitment for lasting change. I think its important that the parties that are helping out in these areas do have resources available to give abusers, and to follow up to make sure they do it. Keep in mind that their spouse may not be the best person to do this. It would be best to have the abuser make the call themselves - it shows commitment on their part. You don't want the spouse to be accused of causing trouble, nagging, or handing them any excuse to blame. That is why it is important the help source follow up with them personally to be sure they are going to do this.

Most abusers like Phil Davis will say, "No Problem! It will be looked into." I'm sure once again their intent is there, but most of the time they won't follow up. Its safer for victims to have someone else follow up with them to make sure they do what they promised. Their habit patterns need to be front and center in your mind. They will be looking for excuses, and they love to blame everyone but themselves. They are right with you at first, but they will change their minds just as fast. They will also start to point fingers, "What about HER??" They will also ask for breaks, and remind people how well they have been doing as a tool to get you to back off. Its fear that is talking, and remember they are some of the best con artists out there. They know where the line in the sand is, and you can count on them pushing it. Its their habit patterns, and giving up their entitlement isn't going to be easy.

Counseling for Phil Davis will involve alot of work, pain, tears, etc. He speaks to a woman that runs a program for abusive men during this segment. He also speaks to a man that was brave enough to finish the program. He then speaks to an adult that dealt with this kind of abuse growing up, and how this impacted her world.

Christian men will need help like this, but they will also need spiritual support. They will need both, and so will their victims. At first you need to look for motive until the fruits of change have some staying power. It will be up and down for a while, and encouragement is going to be needed badly.

Lets watch our final chip of the help Super Nanny was offering him.



For myself on a personal note I don't understand why churches don't think about the impact this abuse has on the children. They grow up to make poor choices in partners, and feel this is the way they deserve to be treated. God doesn't want that for anyone. You can't help but be damaged by the effects of domestic violence, and it doesn't have to require fists.

Abusers can be men or women, but you have to have the tools to see things. You need to educate yourself to recognize the traits. Within a week after this was released on television Phil was being investigated by child protective services. Neighbors that knew the family said they had never seen abuse towards the family members. They felt they were nice normal family, but as you saw they were not. Child Services was concerned of course about the emotional and verbal abuse, but they were more concerned about the slaps to the children. Their safety and well being were more of a concern first! Safety first, and then deal with the rest.

Since the showing it was mentioned that Phil Davis indeed followed up and continued his counseling. It wouldn't be an easy ride for him, and most of the time its to much for them. They tend to make excuses like cost, time, and its not doing anything to help - once things get to deep. They will need that encouragement to continue, and remember their family members maybe risking safety if they do this themselves.

Just like the neighborhood you may not be able to see things right away either, but knowing when to hush and listen...and learn the proper responses and questions to give you hints of the possible trouble could go a long way. We aren't talking normal marriage dynamics you are used to dealing with. Can you imagine how the divorce rates would be effected if people got healing, instead of ignoring the elephant in the living room? Lets say the worse does happen, and a divorce occurs for a moment. If the children got healing you may have helped stop the cycle, and that also would effect the divorce rates within the church. Their generation will benefit! Think about it!

Remember this form of abuse can lead to the physical type that most say is the 'real' form. Why have families deal with this type of domestic violence until that happens? We should be striving for the hard road to healing, and doing our part to ending the cycle of domestic violence. Remember God speaks against the type of behavior you saw in this video, and if the family feels unsafe don't encourage them to stay. The rage within people that abuse emotionally and verbally - among other types - are not safe people to be around. Its not an easy decision, and in most cases unlike you hear about they are looking for the abuse to stop ... not divorce!

How much hope could you bring to children, and the family general once we recognize and deal with this. Wouldn't it be awesome to hear what Morgan said? "It makes me want to come home!" With God's help and fellowship with our faith community we can help heal the damage of domestic violence, and be there for the long road of healing.

Do I hear an Amen?!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Some people may have seen Lifehouse Skit, but I found a different version this week. I wanted to post it as my present to you! I know some of you may have have the best day due to domestic violence within the home, but always know that God is there for you.



Everything!

Happy Holidays, and God Bless

Woman At The Well - Lessons about Domestic Violence

Lessons from the Woman at the Well is another current book that is on the market geared towards women within the church dealing with domestic violence.

BibleForums has a thread in which she writes out some of things she has learned from the past, and it does start out a bit rough. I feel it has some very sound advice, and she goes answer questions on the thread itself as well.

If you would like to read the author's personal testimony she has posted that as well!

Betty Ashanti Davis I felt did a wonderful job of writing on the thread, and she addressed some of the attitudes we write about here on this blog. Her book is worth checking out as well! In the up coming weeks I will be speaking about a number of others I have read as well about domestic violence in the church.

I understand the author is currently working on getting a website together as well, and I wish Betty Ashanti Davis and her new book Lessons from the Woman at the Well must success! Its so neat to be seeing so many authors finally coming forth, and writing about domestic violence and church. Remember Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse along with other forms are also forms of domestic violence.

Emotional Abuse Verbal Abuse Message Board

Recently I knew board has popped up, and I wanted to point it out due to the fact it also has a section for people of faith! It seems to be the traffic is quite good, and if you are needing input quickly this would also be a good source of support.

I know I have mentioned others in the past, but I wanted to introduce you to a new one. It seems also very well moderated.

Our Place

Patriarchy Leaves the Broken Behind

The bible speaks alot about the oppressed and broken people of this world. God's word tells us to help the oppressed, neglected and abused.

I was reading today about some ladies mentioning Michael and Debi Pearl, and I'm sure they have some awesome things to say on certain subjects but on abuse within the home they are clearly naive. On the brew*crew the poster wrote about how this legalistic way of thinking can do more harm than GOOD! Domestic Violence within a Christian marriage is possible, and it does happen ALOT with a good article noted by The Dorcas network! There are days in which I have energy to take on those that mention its a rare thing, because if you look at the numbers it happens just as much as it does in the within the protective bubble within the church.

At times I get this impression that people are using the shelter of the church so they don't have to deal with life's uglies. I don't think that is what God had in mind when he spoke of separate. I realize some are stronger in some areas than others, but to avoid all contact isn't healthy either!

The uglies of the real world can't get in if I only have friends from church.

The uglies of the real world can't affect my children that are home schooled or only go to Christian schools.

The uglies of the real world can't come into our minds if we only see God Gloried movies, read book from Christian authors.

If separate ourselves so much from the real world as a protective measure for one we can't REACH the others, and two we don't truly realize the reality of the world. The reaction of people that DO come in with all the world's uglies like domestic violence can't be that picture perfect image that the bubble needs to have to be safe. Emotional abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical abuse all go on within the doors of the church. The victims when they start to question or get strong enough to face facts are pushed away, and told to HUSH basically.

Adventures in Mercy wrote an very powerful article I felt. When God Leaves The Broken Behind: Biblical Patriarchy’s Biggest Problem

If there is one thing different about this God of ours, it is that He goes after the ones that all the other groups forget, or purposely exclude, or even outrightly despise. He’s the God who leaves the 99 to go get the 1, who will search the house for the lost coin, who will hear the prayers of a sinner because of the sinner’s humility, yet closes off His ears to the one who basks in his own righteousness. He is the God of whom women sing, “He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Yet, in the name of this very God, we are handed books or “doctrines” or systems of thought that promote exaltation of the strong. What happens to the weak when they cry out for help? The advice to them goes something like,

“Try harder. Do more. You didn’t do it the right way. Try harder. The problem is you, not the system, never the system. If it fails you, that’s only because you failed it. Try harder. Do more.”

And if you dare to ask where Jesus went in all of it, you will be scolded and reminded of your failure. Because if you would have just tried harder, Jesus would have blessed you. The verse in Titus is rewritten, and the new song is, “Sanctification by works, not of grace, lest any man should think the power came from God.” Work harder. Do more. And for God’s sake, don’t question the authority of the system. You’ll never get your picture in the magazine that way.

YES if you try harder, and be a better servant things will turn around for you! If you wouldn't do things that make him so mad you can avoid the bruises. If you would do things to GIVE and not GET maybe he wouldn't be so frustrated! He is the HEAD, and he is the authority in your home - blessed are those that respect that role!

I have said this before and I will say it again - I have to wonder if a huge scandal like the sexual scandal of the Catholic church when it comes to women dying due to what the church demands of the women doesn't finally wake UP the church!

Those within the protective bubble try hard to get that area neat and clean. Their husbands may be good men, and realize the responsibility of their role. They are NOT Mr. Demand man, and are quite loving to their children. Its when you have women within that bubble that ask questions, and mention things that aren't right within the home that get blasted! They are rebellious, and they gossip about their husbands! They don't understand submit, and they can't respect the HEADSHIP within the home! As was noted within that article followers are quick to announce their stand against abortion, but when it comes to abuse within their own fold? They fall flat, and have no mercy for those that are oppressed!

Thus says the Lord, ‘Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed, deliver him from the power of his oppressor” - Jeremiah 22: 3a

Patriarchy, in some homes, concentrates all power into the hands of an oppressor. What happens to the wife when she speaks out, if she ever does? She is told to hush. She is told that respectful women won’t talk about it. She goes to her bookshelf of marriage books for help, for counsel, for guidance. There, she reads books that counsel her to be more submissive, that her husband’s behavior will change if she can just reach the right level of submission. She reads books that tell her to speak in a child-like tone and to act like a young girl, to help her husband feel important. She reads books that tell her that good wives will never never NEVER speak about their husband’s in a negative way, no matter what. “Biblical” patriarchy isn’t delivering this woman from her oppressor. It is handing her to him on a platter, and telling her to smile cheerfully while they’re at it, or God will not be pleased.

It amazes me at times the hoops that those ask others to jump though so that the men can feel their role in a proper fashion. Those behaviors are NOT to be talked about, because they belong OUTSIDE the bubble! Is it any wonder WHY these women go secular? They may bite and pray that the Lord will deliver them out of oppression, but they also know it will not be with the hands of the church to help in that area. Their job is to make sure she is saintly enough to be inside their bubble of protection, and if she steps out of that to much sadly alot of people are shunned.

I'm sure part of it may be fear of being attacked, or threaten by the abuser as well. You read about missionaries all the time that place their lifes in harms way in order to honor God, but most of us won't even go near that place. We have our own families to worry about. We have a hard enough time keeping them inside the bubble safe and warm.

I have seen so many state this isn't the way patriarchy is suppose to operate. It doesn't mean POWER and CONTROL! Yet if you look at how it is dealt with when trouble is brewing...WELL...and the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than Words!" We are all human, and none of us should be placed in a the position of unquestioned authority on this earth. God is the only one that can hold that role.

Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they refuse to confront sin. Patriarchy leaves the broken behind when they ignore the bruises on the outside and those within. When you get to legalistic about this they add to those bruises, and to me it seems like punishment for dirty mess you brought into the bubble.

This is what patriarchy gives to men like that. Complete and total power. What does it give to their wives? Hell. A hell that is “God’s Way,” a hell that is, “Biblical,” a hell that they are required to smile about, to accept with joy. If women in homes like these wonder whether patriarchy really is God’s way, they are told that they are walking in rebellion, have left the Scriptures, are being deceived by Satan or even have left the faith.

Is a system God’s way, when it creates more oppression than was there before? Is a system God’s way, when it leaves the weak and the broken in a state of being worse off than before? Is a system God’s way, when it takes the healthy and pulls them down, limb by limb—when it offers condemnation instead of healing, derision towards the wounded, even as it inflicts the wounds, instead of compassion and mercy?

What answer does the patriarchy camp have for these thoughts of mine? I don’t know. I am one of the weak and the broken. They have no ears for people like me.

Is this not the fact which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke? - Isaiah 58

Patriarchy allows the Holy Hush to happen, and Patriarchy leaves the broken behind.

Exercise-a-thon for Domestic Violence

Focus Ministries has a mention on their home page about a fund raiser the are doing for the ministry.

FOCUS Ministries is a not-for-profit organization devoted to offer hope, encouragement, education, and assistance to women who are struggling in difficult circumstances, especially dysfunctional marriages, spousal abuse, separation or divorce.

Based in Illinois, FOCUS Ministries provides help for women suffering the horror of domestic violence and for those who want to help.

They are asking others to have fun with an Exercise-a-thon, and that means ANYTHING you find FUN! Choose any exercise (run, bike, walk, skip, jump rope, swim, play tennis, baseball, football, lift weights, etc.), set your own goal, raise pledges, and take action against domestic violence!

They also have included a pre-printed form for you organization's use!

Just print off the FOCUS Exercise-a-thon form, fill in your name and address by the participant’s name, raise support, exercise, and then send in the completed form with the funds raised. Checks are to be made out to FOCUS Ministries and sent to P.O. Box 2014, Elmhurst, IL 60126. A tax deductible receipt will be given. If you have questions, please email at contactus@focusministries1.org. We want to thank you for your support of this ministry.

Focus Ministries has alot of helpful information on the site for both the parties who need to reach out, and those churches that wish to support them.

Exercise-a-thon for Domestic Violence....what an awesome idea!

Domestic Violence? Church Leadership show perfect example of how they don't have a clue what it is!

The Church Leader Gazette wrote an article about domestic violence, and some of it maybe comment sense, but the rest of it is nonsense!

Men are definitely at fault in most cases of domestic violence. As we
learned in elementary school, boys should not hit girls–a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances. But contrary to popular belief, women are oftentimes at fault by provoking the man. Some women provoke a negative response from their husbands inadvertently, because they do not know how to deal with a man probably because they never had a father in the home to teach them or they never had a mother, older sister or older woman to teach them how to handle a man. However, some women intentionally provoke their husbands by pushing buttons that they know will cause a negative reaction.

First off, I know I have taught my son never to HIT anyone...except in self defense. There is no need for hitting, and to say that people PUSHED your buttons to do that? For goodness sakes! How many times in life have people been in situations in which others PUSHED their buttons? I would say quite a bit at times, depending on WHOM you are talking to. I have never hit anyone that pushed my buttons. lol unless you want to count the time I was a child, and creamed my brother on occasion!

What is this man saying? Men don't grow up and figure out that isn't acceptable? I mean HARDLY! If they don't figure that out they will on their way to jail! I think we all know men that have had their buttons pushed, and have never lashed out at another person in that fashion. This author is giving lack of self control as a reason. Lack of proper authority figures within the home is also mentioned for others feeling they are entitled to make excuses for the lashing out. How many times did people attempt to push Jesus's buttons? Do we read pages and pages in the bible in which he told others he was 'justified' because someone made him do it?

HE HAS to be kidding ME! What in insult to men and woman alike!

Dear sister, never think that domestic violence is a normal way of life, and it should not occur in any relationship, especially in a Christian family relationship. Here are some things that you can do, as a young woman, to make sure that you do not end up in a relationship like this. I am going to deal with this issue from two standpoints: (1) Do not marry a man who is prone to violence in the first place, and (2) If God blesses you with a good man, here are some things you should do, and should not do, so as not to provoke him to negative behaviour. So, please listen carefully and take heed to the following:

I had to giggle at this part! Women can take a good man, and push them into beating them! For goodness SAKES! People that BEAT are broken people! Gender doesn't matter on this! He must really think we are raising a bunch of weak MEN in this world for him to say such a thing! I understand the not marrying a violent man part, but the rest is just excuses! MAKE SURE you don't MAKE your man HIT YOU! Is he seriously saying most people are that weak? I mean lets get down to reality here - abusers are weak people! I would like to introduce this author to some real men that don't make excuses for their bad behavior - because there are TONS of them out there!

The author then lists some traits for abusive personalities to show women WHO not to marry.

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU CAN DO ONCE YOU ARE MARRIED TO KEEP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FROM EVER HAPPENING

YBW,
let me remind you that the young black men of today are not your grandfather or even your father. The young black men of today are simply not going to put up with any disrespect from their woman. It is true that a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances, period. however, some women can bring this type of harmful activity upon themselves by not applying the Word of God, wisdom, and common sense to the marital relationship. Below are some common sense things that you can do to avoid having anything close to domestic violence happening in your home, assuming that you married a God-fearing, decent man in the first place:

I guess according to this author men of today don't know what is meant by being a gentleman or God Fearing Man. I mean even gentlemen and God Fearing men know how to properly deal with disrespectful people. I guess a speech about how not to get involved with women that are disrespectful wasn't needed, because he already gave men the green light to bash them. I mean they DID push the buttons right?

In domestic violence relationships don't hand abusers excuses for their behavior! There is no good excuse. I don't care HOW badly someone is pushing your buttons, disrespecting you, etc - you have no right landing hands on anyone. There is no YOU brought it upon yourself! I know I have been in situations where I would have LOVED to lay hands on someone, but I knew enough to get the heck out of dodge somehow! I figured out a way to cool myself down before I did something stupid! Goodness we have all been there! Just because someone else is acting badly doesn't give you the green light or excuse of them pushing you into sin. You did that ALL by yourself!

People don't make you sin! People don't PUSH you to sin! People don't PROVOKE you to sin! Its your decision to sin, and if you want to make excuses for it...that's SIN as well!

His list this time? Sighhhhhhhh!

Do not lie to your husband about anything, past, present, or future. There is no sense in lying to the person that you are married to, or to anyone else for that matter, but especially to your own husband. Lying will destroy the foundation of your marriage faster than anything. So, be honest about everything.

In domestic violence situations it isn't always SAFE to not lie about things! I mean he is talking about domestic violence right? I can understand the NOT lying in healthy relationships - he has a point it does break the foundation. If you are doing things to avoid a rage sessions, answering questions you know are being asked so he has the excuse to be provoked, etc. You are scared and you may lie to avoid these things. You aren't doing it for the same reason as someone outside of a domestic violence relationship. There are completely different reasons why people that are abused would lie compared to this sad excuse he is giving. I'm not justifying lieing here! Just being truthful with the reality of domestic violence! The truth will get your bashed just as much as the lie!

Dear sister, if you have a problem with wandering eyes and you just can’t control yourself when a handsome man gets within eye-shot, then you might need to get some spiritual healing in that area before you get married. One thing you do not want to do in front of your husband or husband to be is look at other men. That is disrespectful to him and the Bible tells us that “jealousy is the rage of a man”. And please don’t do this passive-aggressive nonsense of being vindictive and trying to get back at your husband by making him jealous because you had a disagreement or something. Many women have gone to a premature grave for doing silly things like that. You shouldn't’t do this at all, but if you just have to look at another man, have enough sense to do it when your husband is not around. I know this may sound petty to you, but the name of the game is don’t do anything to disrespect your husband.

If anyone man or woman took their partner to an early grave due to going to far in regards to their jealousy they should have sought spiritual healing before marriage. Stop making excuses!

People will look at the opposite gender, and at times it means NOTHING! Don't LOOK at anyone when your spouse is around?

Again this author has made no effort in doing any research whatsoever in the area of domestic violence. Alot of people can do nothing at all, or innocently look somewhere and get accused of this. There was no vindictive or passive agressive motive behind it. I'm sure there are people that play games, and if they do shame on THEM! To think that is some justication for domestic violence? This author does realize this behavior is illegal right?

May I encourage you not to disrespect your husband in front of your family or in front of your girlfriends, and definitely don’t disrespect him in front of his buddies. Depending on his makeup, he might be able to take a little bit of your mouthing off and showing out at home with just you and the children there, but he is not going to take your embarrassing him in front of other people. And for common sense sake, don’t go around telling your family and friends all of your business that goes on in your house because this is another point that may get his ire up and may cause him to go off on you.

I think this author is seriously trying to combine sinful behavior of immature adults, and combine that with domestic violence. Your spouses disrespects you in front of family or friends - that's no excuse to take it out on her or the children behind closed doors. That's not a God fearing man we are talking about here. YES the behavior should be addressed, but to think this author is almost saying it is justified makes me wonder how God fearing he is. There are steps in the bible to address BAD behavior, and what he speaks of isn't IT!

This may sound like a no-brainer to you, but do not commit adultery in any way, shape, form or fashion. If you are ever tempted to commit adultery, run–don’t walk–away from it. This is a sure cause for domestic violence. Society has it backwards, but when you get married, you are to be married until “death do you part.” This means that no one or nothing should come between the two of you. Again, let me repeat, you may be married to the strong, silent type, but “jealousy is still
the rage of a man”.

This man has to be kidding me right? Again we need to seek the bible for addressing this, and not use excuses for domestic violence as excuse for this behavior.

There are other ways that women show disrespect to their husbands that seem small to them, but are very irritating to men. Here are the big five: (1) talking back to him when he is trying to tell you something; (2) talking back while he is trying to tell you something (we all know women can think and talk faster than men); (3) rolling the eyes; (4) smirking; (5) cursing and calling your husband names. You don’t have to respond to everything that he does or says. Be a woman who respects and loves her husband despite his faults or failures, and be Christ-like in your response. The Bible, in fact, tells you in 1 Peter 3:4: “But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” This is not about being a doormat. This is about being smart.

I think I can safely say no one likes this type of behavior. What does it say about a man that asks women to act Christlike, and yet gives excuses to men that can't seem to? Blind maybe? Men are to be respect to their wifes despite their faults and failures as well. Guess what Mr. Author>>> domestic violence isn't respectful in the least! You are asking women to stand up to a standard you have in your head, and not allowing the men in your life have the standard that God has asked them to.

Please understand that the way God has wired you as a woman is that your satisfaction comes from satisfying your husband and your family. God did not give him to you just for him to please you. You are to please him as well. Make sure you do your part. The older women will tell you that it really doesn’t take much to please a man. If you don’t know how to please a man, you better ask somebody. But as a man, I can assure you that it doesn’t take much. If you have been married to your husband for just a little while, God will give you the ability and the instincts to know what your husband wants and needs. Don’t let the devil tempt you into thinking that you don’t know what your husband wants and needs. Do not fight these instincts, and do not act as though you don’t know what your husband wants and needs. You know! Don’t sit in your house and not meet your husband’s needs, and think that he is going to be all you need for him to be. Honey, this is a two-way street. Yes, God expects that man to be “all that” to you, but God also expects you to be “all that” to him.

(shaking head and sighly loudly) Why do people write articles about domestic violence when they haven't got the first clue what they are dealing with? Women don't need to be told what they desire, etc. LOL I highly doubt men do either! Neither need to be told HOW we are wired!

In domestic violence situations you don't know how to satisify the person that is abusing you. lol if just doing that WORKED we wouldn't have the issues we have today! I'm sorry but I find articles like this extremely disrespectful when they plow all this ignorance into the issue. People abuse others - because they CAN! You can have the house clean as pin, favorite dinner on the table, slippers waiting be placed on the minute they walk in with children quietly and being dutiful - and an abuser will still RAGE and abuse. Its their brokeness that causes this, and not this nonsense about pleasing your man. Abusive people are irrational, and you can't negotoite with a crazy person! They aren't capable of that! I think this man seriously needs to spend some time with men, woman and children that have been abused. He has no clue what he is talking about, and if an abused person is reading this...it can be very damaging!

Understand that men are very serious about their food. Food is not just a necessity to a man, it is an event. It is something that he looks forward to. So, don’t make an issue out of his food. Don’t burn his food. Make sure his food is prepared on time, whether you do the cooking or not. Make sure it is done in a sanitary fashion, meaning, for example, that you wash your hands before you touch his food. Most men are very funny about how people prepare their food. Dear sister, you can probably eat a little something and keep on moving, but a man cherishes a good meal and takes it seriously. You can avoid a lot of trouble in your marriage by making sure this area is taken care of.

lol he has to be kidding! Lets mark that up to the saying, "A way to man's heart is via the stomach" shall we? You burn something - don't be cross when he punches you! Bleck!

If you have children, take care of your children. Do your part in raising, teaching, loving, and caring for them as their mother. There are some things that your husband will do with the children that you will not and cannot do. But he will appreciate it if you fulfill your part as their mother. Now let me emphasize something here, nothing will get a father and/or husband more upset than if he sees his children being neglected and/or mistreated by their own mother. Not being a loving, caring, and doting mother over his children will get you in a lot of trouble real fast.

Abusive spouses aren't good parents. Any good parent would be upset at the neglect and maltreatment of their children! Abusive spouses that abuse the spouse, and as you hear alot DON'T abuse the children.....aren't good parents either. A good parent would never mistreat their partner ever! Showing disrespect for anyone isn't being a good parent.

If you are a Christian young lady, God has commanded you to submit to your husband and God has also commanded you to obey your husband. Ephesians 5:22 states: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” Titus 2:5 states: “To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Now, if you want to be obedient to God, go ahead and have this kind of attitude and spirit and do this, and you can avoid a whole lot of pain and heartache in your marriage and in your family. I told my wife before we got married that we were going to do this thing called marriage “God’s way or no way,” and what I meant by that is: God is holding me accountable, and I am holding her accountable to doing it His way. And when we do it God’s way, we have peace and tranquility in our homes. When we cease to do it God’s way, we bring problems and trouble in our homes, and sad to say, even domestic violence.

Oh please!

God isn't going to give you the excuse that if you wife was the worse of characters its okay and understandable why domestic violence happens. Does this author seriously think God would give him an excuse? Your wife doesn't follow the word, but ME as a good Christian man is NOW OKAY with God if I push her around a bit?

I think this author needs to back to bible study. I'm not sure he is been shown a clear description fo what God's way is.

Daughters and YBW, if you claim to be a Christian, act like a Christian, and go ahead and stop trying to do marriage your way, and do it God’s way and save yourself a whole lot of heartache and trouble. I hope that you will take the above suggestions in the loving spirit in which they were written.

The above is a bunch of excuses, and you seem to forget that any person that commits domestic violence isn't acting as a CHRISTIAN - no excuses! Domestic violence isn't caused by not being submissive, etc. That's garbage! Its not caused by not honoring and disrespected someone! It amazes that me that people can believe this simplistic stuff in this day and age! It's truly shocking!

Daughters and YBW, domestic violence is a choice. Many people choose to have drama like this in their marriages, because of simply wanting to do things their way and not God’s way. No, a man should never hit a woman, but a woman should never provoke a situation that would cause a man to hit her or to abuse her in the first place. Contrary to society, this is a two way street. But you can avoid domestic violence and the pain that comes with it, if you just do the things listed above, in your marriage. I assure you that your marriage and family will be a happy one if you do these things. ,

You can't assure people of that! Its NOT possible! Ask the people that have been victims of domestic violence! Ask the people that work with abusers, and victims! Domestic violence within a relationship doesn't happen because someone broke some rule that you listed. I'm sorry but men that write this junk make me wonder if they justified their own bad behavior within their relationship themselves.

As a final note, dear sister, if you are doing God’s will and you are doing your part, but you are still in a relationship that is violent, then I strongly encourage you to run to safety as fast as you can–to a battered women’s shelter or some other organization like that, where the batterer can’t get to you. Again, here is the number to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

May God Bless You and Keep You,

huh? I thought he could assure people of safety if they followed the rules? Guess that shows you how good the advice was! I truly feel sorry for people like this. TRULY! I pray for the poor victims that come into the path of them. Ignorance can kill as well. I would challege this author to do some homework, and maybe dedicate his time to his local shelter to see the error of his statements. I realize he won't, because he would rather place his myths of the issue out there rather than dealing with the reality. Its so sad.

When will the church come out their bubble and smell the reality?

The scourge of domestic violence

Gloucester Daily Times has a midweek musing about The scourge of domestic violence.

Rev. Richard J. Simeone spoke of how for a number of years they have a brief ceremony proclaiming Gloucester a domestic violence free zone. They had the fanfare that most of these ceremonies have as well! As much as we would like to believe that these events lesson or stop domestic abuse we also know that they don't.

Rev. Simeone got a first hand experience it seems from a mocking of this sentiment that all to often happens:

At this year's proclamation ceremony, due note was given to the strides made over time in public awareness of the problem as well as concrete steps toward dealing with this public health disease.¬ Yet, it was also noted that we still have much work to do.¬ It made me think about a conversation I had earlier the day of the ceremony with an acquaintance of mine, to whom I mentioned that I was heading to the ceremony.¬

The other person made a scoffing noise, and I asked what it was about.¬ The reply was, "Oh, I have a neighbor who has one of those 'Strong Men Don't Bully' bumper stickers on his car, and all he does every evening is yell and swear at his wife."

The comment made me wince, yet also reminded me anew that as important as slogans are, as important as proclamation ceremonies are, they cannot carry the day unless you and I are committed daily to the hard work of living with civility and decency toward each other.¬ Doing so requires radical changes and a willingness to explore inner foundations of our tendencies to violent behavior.

That part I will agree with! I do think we need to change our mindset about this issue, and start recognizing habit patterns that society tends to have. I know even I can be included in that statement (blushing!). People do feel if you are not being strong armed, and physical attacked its NOT domestic violence. That is not correct, and that is how our education needs to change. Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior, and the ones that mock the lists of behaviors must not know this. To me that shows an error on our education front.

The Sunday liturgies at St. John's Episcopal Church begin with a act of penitence commencing with the recitation of what is often called the Summary of the Law.¬ This piece of the Christian gospel recalls Jesus connecting two pieces of the Torah into a single command:¬ "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and mind, and soul and strength," and, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."¬ It is the second part which is critical to the topic at hand, and the operative words are, "as yourself."

Far too much religious teaching has focused only on the matter of loving our neighbor without consideration for the fact that we can only love the neighbor with the same measure of love we have for ourselves.¬ Neighbor in this context means anyone other than ourselves, be that spouse, partner, child, coworker, friend or a total stranger.

I do believe in my heart that abusers do truly have a self hate about themselves. I don't know how it is planted there, because I'm sure there are not just one source that is custom made for them. When I look at abusers in that light I often feel sorry for them. I'm not doing that as an excuse for the behavior, but to see them as this truly broken person. A broken person that often neglected by society if not as much - at times MORE so as society enables their behavior to continue. You can't heal what you refuse to recognize or acknowledge is there.

I agree with Rev. Simeone stating that we can only love he neighbor with the same measure of love we have for ourselves. In that way I wonder at times if they are capable of loving in any true form. They do wish us to believe they could, but someone that can't empathize and feels entitled to rage isn't showing that to me.

The foundations of violent behavior are laid in the wounding we have received, often at young and tender ages, which lead us to have a deep, if often unconscious, self loathing.¬ The psychological reality is that until we explore these issues in ourselves so that we no longer project our hurt and anger onto others, domestic abuse in its many and varied manifestations will not abate.¬ We need to remind ourselves daily that domestic violence encompasses the ill-spoken word toward another as much as the hand raised to do physical harm.¬ The man with the bumper sticker on his car probably believes what it proclaims.¬ Because he doesn't beat up his wife, he undoubtedly thinks he's not bullying her.¬ But, yelling and swearing at her are OK because, after all, isn't that the way his father treated his mother, and very likely him?

Very true!

We do see very often this attitude of its just words. We look at James 3 in the bible, and we find that this also is a very serious matter in the bible! I think at times that saying we all grew up with Stick and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you? I think we believed the lie of that old wife's tale. It is a lie. Those children grow up as well, and learn to be come adult bullies that do much more damage. We were so naive giving such advice to our children at one time.

Here is a crucial aspect of the problem of domestic abuse: our range of definition is too narrow.¬ Domestic does not just mean the home.¬ It means any and all of the places where we carry on the business of daily living, from the local scene to the national landscape.¬ Yet we can never hope to really experience a diminution of violence in daily life until we look deeply at the roots of our own pain. Bringing it into the light where we may acknowledge it is the beginning of healing and transformation.

I know I have looked into the root of my own pain, and brought it into the light so that I may transform. It really HURT at first, and there was alot of anger there as well. I did work past this (most of it anyway...okay I hope! lol), and I know it was part of my past...but no longer part of me. Well! NOT like it was! As I educated myself on this I also had to learn some assertivness training in certain circumstances that otherwise I would be to afraid to approach in the past. I had to change this otherwise I may set myself up to be walked all over once again. It doesn't have to be just at home. It could be a my job, volunteering or just a friendship for example.

I often wonder at times if victims have a easier time of this because we had things jammed down our throat for so long. I have to think if our pain of the past isn't a tool that can make us stronger to face this portion of healing. Escape to me is just the first step, but as victims I feel that we need to do ROOT work ourselves. I used to beat myself UP once the realization of my life came, "How could I have been SO stupid!" I had to realize at the time I didn't have the tools I have today. I have heard people in the past mention that they had seen signs, but didn't realize how dangerous they were at the time. You didn't have the tools then. Its okay! YOU do now, and if you wonder about that part....do some of your own ROOT work! Its worth it!

Until we do this the scourge of domestic violence will continue to darken even the brightest day.¬ We will go on paying the price of domestic violence in wounded bodies, broken families, lost wages, children with diminished potential and communities where we feel unsafe and threatened.

It is time to move more intentionally beyond days of proclamation and well-intentioned and heart-felt slogans — as important as they are. It is time to do the inner work, with whatever professional help is necessary, to heal the inner wounds that afflict us, so that more deeply loving ourselves, we can more truly respect the dignity of every person including ourselves.

There are alot of things we hear when we grow up, and when things go down you realize the words sound good but people have a hard time owning them! We all hear how you never know what goes on behind closed doors, and I can't name a person that wouldn't agree with that statement. The problem starts when you realize they don't believe that could be true for them when a charming abuser comes into their fold. They don't know what happens behind closed doors, and the additional problem? They don't want to believe it either! I think abusers by the time they hit adulthood are pretty much professional con man (or women), and they have learned to play the human race very VERY well! That is why I don't believe they don't grasp what they do is wrong, because they wouldn't make such an issue over keeping it silence. They wouldn't have problems with people KNOWING their personal business. If its so ordinary and everyday - why the secrets? Why the intimidation to keep it secret? Why the threats towards others to keep the secrets? Its because they know, and they are not willing to change their brokenness. I'm sure it looks like a huge undertaking for them. Almost impossible. Just like the undertaking this author is asking for the world. I'm sure soceity feels this is TOO huge! It needs to be done in reality, and we all know it! Its a HUGE undertaking, but one that most will say they don't have a problem with...until it hits front and center in their own lives.

If we are take on the scourge of domestic violence there are changes we are all going to have to make. Its overwhelming, but I hope the world can at least start that charge to change! We would all be better off!

Gunman kills three during church service

Fox News Reports:

A shooting inside of a New Jersey church service Sunday morning left one woman dead and two others hospitalized, MyFOXNY is reporting.

Reshma James, 24, died after being shot by her estranged husband during church services at St. Thomas Knanaya Church in Clifton, NorthJersey.com said.

Congregants were attending the morning service when shots were reported at 11:40 a.m. According to the church’s Web site, service traditionally begins at 11:15 a.m.

Dennis John and Silvy Perincheril, both of Hawthorne, were reportedly injured in the shooting, according to NorthJersey.com. Perincheril — who was shot in the stomach— is the church's choir director. James was Perincheril's niece, visiting from California.

The shooting was believed to be a case of domestic violence, with the gunmen suspected to be the spouse of James, NorthJersey.com said.

A witness told NorthJersey.com that the shooter came into to the church saying, "I came to take my wife."

Officials from the Passaic County sheriff’s department and the prosecutor’s office responded to the scene, where more than 200 parishioners had been attending service, MyFOXNY reported.

According to NJ.com, St. Thomas Knanaya is a Syrian Orthodox Church. People at the scene said that the shooting took place during a prayer service for the dead.

Port Authority Police and the State Police have been notified that a suspect — who remains at large — may be trying to evade capture by fleeing to one of the nearby metropolitan airports, MyFOXNY said.

Breitbart also reports on this story:

CLIFTON, N.J. (AP) - A gunman opened fire during services Sunday at a northern New Jersey church, injuring three people, one of them critically, authorities said. The gunman remained at large.
About 200 people were in St. Thomas Syrian Orthodox Knanaya Church in Clifton when the shots were fired before noon.

A law enforcement official said the shooting may be the result of domestic violence.

The New Jersey State Police and county law enforcement agencies were looking for the gunman.

Members of the church are mostly first-generation immigrants and their children from Kerala, India.

Kansas City.com added:

Police were searching for 27-year-old Joseph M. Pallipurath of Sacramento, Calif., after the shooting at St. Thomas Syrian Orthodox Knanaya Church in Clifton.

Detective Capt. Robert Rowan told The Star-Ledger of Newark that the victim, 24-year-old Reshma James, had recently moved from California to escape an abusive marriage and had filed a restraining order against Pallipurath.

Prayers are going up for this church, and the families of the victims. I will also pray for the shooter.

If things like this don't wake the church up that it can happen at their front door...I don't know what would.

Its so sad that it takes a gunman that kills three during a church service, and those types of related stories to show some that it can happen anywhere.

Silence of Domestic Violence

A Forward Design had an article on their blog about restoring the broken.


Shauna Gauthier mentions stats that I'm sure we have all heard of, but she continues:

With these revealing statistics, one might wonder why domestic violence is not at the forefront of our discussions in churches and other community groups. Though the topic is gaining some momentum these days, it is still quite clear that the church has struggled to contend with issues of abuse.

Isn't that the truth! I think they truly don't know what the answers are so they choose NOT to deal with them at all. Domestic violence doesn't have easy answers, and at times there are no good choices. There is no clear path to take. To me they seem to spiritualize it more than deal with it.

There was a story the other day on Ibelieve.com that I read about a women that I'm not sure realizes what she is dealing with yet clearly. I think she is beginning to see it, but the AHEM healthy ones can't see it at all!

SHe was speaking about how her and her spouse were having a disagreement about her housekeeping, and it seems she was trying to get him to understand that she was overloaded as it was. He got frustrated and began to call her names among other things. She wasn't that perfect little Christian lady and was a bit sassy in return. He ran up grabbed her as a man would grab another man, and truly began to rage at that point. It scared her as you can imagine! Can we say either of them was innocent? I'm sure we can say both were not innocent, but the grabbing the wife in that fashion was a bit over the top! Can we say dangerous even?

I would add that both of them or at least one of them need to grow up.

Sniping back and forth will do nothing but lead to greater problems whether verbal or physical. One of them need to stop with the sarcastic and hurtful remarks.

The wife needs to talk to the husband if he is trying to talk to her about the situation. Her refusal to speak to him is just as or more inflamatory than snide and childish comments.

She did get some good comments, but of course you get comments about how she shouldn't provoke him to anger. It seemed to me he provoked first!

You know WHEN the conversation really died? When she posted a letter from him to her as he was quoting scripture to show her how wrong she was in provoking him in this way!

Among some of those:

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Ephesians 5:21-33
Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (I’ve done this buy allowing you to be who you are. I don’t interfere with your hearts desires and wishes. You do as you please with mostly no complaints from me.) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (I told you to clean and you refused.)

and

Hebrews 13:17
Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. (What advantage is it to you to fight against me? Why do you battle with me? Submission is a hard thing to do but it is a command from God.)
Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. (A desert land is hopeless: hot, no water, sweat, dry, unbearable!! Is it any wonder the bible uses such analogies?)

and

Proverbs 31:10-31
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. ... (IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A WIFE LIKE THIS THESE DAYS!)

and you LOVE this part:

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. YOU ARE GOING TO SEND ME SCRIPTURES ABOUT WHAT A HUSBAND SHOULD DO INSTEAD OF FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU CAN BE DOING DIFFERENTLY. I SAW ON THE COMPUTER YOU LOOKED UP “VERBAL ABUSE”. AS IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH VERBALLY ABUSING YOU WHEN YOU PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE. PLEASE START LOOKING AT HOW YOU CAN CHANGE. IF THERE IS ONE THING FOR CERTAIN IT IS THIS: I HAVE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS. I’VE MADE DRASTIC CHANGES. YOU HAVE CHANGED FOR THE WORST. WHY IS THAT?

You know what I found most telling? The 'you provoked him to anger' crowd somehow disappeared, and had nothing further to say after she posted the letter. I guess he was justified in all his scripture.

As the article I posted to at the top stated:

This is what evil looks like. It is the silencing of those in whom God has uniquely and intentionally created to bear beauty in the world. In an abusive relationship a perpetrator, who was almost always a victim at some point in his or her life, utilizes power and control to destroy the beauty of another. Thus, the cycle of abuse is perpetuated.

I'm sure the husband was a victim at one time, and he felt silenced himself. In this case she isn't really heard, and no one has seen this man's brokeness either. To me BOTH are silenced in different ways!

The grander narrative reveals that Jesus came for the marginalized. There seem to be varying contexts surrounding the marginalization of people, but the effects remain the same. In Jesus’ day those who were deemed “unrighteous” were silenced, shamed and ostracized from society. It was his love that granted them a voice. The savior of the world deemed them worthy of love, conversation and the breaking of bread together. As followers of Christ, we are to reveal the incarnation of this love through our own lives. What does it look like to give a voice to the voiceless? How will we reveal and pursue the humanity of victims and perpetrators alike? How will we begin to seek out the beauty of God that each individual was created to uniquely reveal? When we begin to answer these questions as a community of God, then we will be able to begin contending with issues of domestic violence and abuse.

Great questions. How indeed!

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship

Leslie Vernick speaks on this program about 'The Emotionally Destructive Relationship'. I thought it was a very good discussion, and spoke about how we need to realize how we could be an enabler at times. Some people do take offense to that, but as I look back at my own life I was almost molded into that role. Heck I remember early on wondering if maybe I took being LADY LIKE to a harmful level! I mean people were encouraging me to be MORE so, and I felt I did that also...lol (giggles) I even remember trying to be Marsha Brady at one time just trying to fit into the mold of what would make things work! Okay! Maybe not funny, but I have to giggle at myself when I remember that part! The sad part is the extremes I went to, and the lies that were told to me! NOT ONCE could the possibility be MAYBE it wasn't ME to the extreme it was being stated. That's the part I think some of the simplistic advice givers don't realize! This two to tango deal when I was breaking under the pressure of being what was called of me! I heard that statement, and I felt helpless.

I could understand it after a while, and I was able to make changes within myself to make a big impact on my own life. Don't take it as a negative - take it as the light just went on now HOW do I change this so I can better my life! When you are dealing with domestic violence within your marriage, and see the TRUE role you had within it - NOT what others think you should be looking at it makes all the difference in the world! To me there is no shame in this - it just IS!

Add Time for Hope with Dr. Freda Crews to your page

I hope you find this video about the Emotionally Destructive Relationship helpful!