Abuse you can see and hear

Examples of Abuse, Definitions of Abuse

 Examples
Without Remorse
Verbal Abuse of Children Caught on Tape
Series of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse you hear, feel, and see  Super Nanny
Do you realize what your words can do?
Definitions
Children of Uxoricide - when one parent kills the other
Emotional Abuse
Good information about emotional Abuse
Patrica Evans Verbal Abuse Board
Information on PTSD

Teen Abuse - covers both genders

John Piper's Ignorance is Killing Children!

I was over at Women In Ministry when I stumbled upon advice from John Piper regarding submission and abuse.

If you would rather read the transcript please go to Women in Ministry site she has it there.

The John Piper's in the world need to know that NOT only are the women of his church being damaged, but his STUPIDITY is also damaging the children! That is going to effect our future generations of the church, and their tithes to keep their doors open and also help others.



I'm sorry but I have to look at this man's body language first of all. His giggle at the beginning was offensive for one thing. Its not funny, but a very serious issue.

When the women of his church that have been abused, and wake up and leave his church? John Piper is seriously going to wonder what happened. That's the sad part.

The John Piper's of the world need to step up, and educate themselves on domestic violence within the church. They need to go to a faith based domestic violence organization, and spend some time there. I'm talking about more the HI HELLO to the gate keeper.

This teaching is irresponsible and dangerous, and one day I can see the church getting their BUTTS sued off with the advice they give. He actually told women to take the verbal abuse 'for a season', and a smack down in the evening...then call him in the morning. Has John Piper lose his mind?

If those that are out and feel safe enough, and their children are willing? Have them sit down and write John Piper a letter about dealing with domestic violence within the church as a child.

Allow John Piper to hear from a child that realizes the church has told their Mommy that she needs to take verbal abuse for a season, and allow herself to be hit by Daddy. THEN the church will be called to help mommy with the aftermath. Ask the child to tell John Piper what effect that had on their life. John Piper doesn't seem to understand the damage it does to the WHOLE FAMILY! Domestic violence, and the even the types he giggles at like verbal abuse and emotional abuse DAMAGE Jesus's children!

You see to me the 'leader' of the home Mr. Piper has a responsibility as well.
You as a leader of the church need to sit these children down, and truly explain your position to them as they:

Hide under the beds
Cover their ears
And cry in fear!

I wonder if your position would change as you see the pain in their eyes, and damaging effects of their lifes! I wonder if submission at that point would be as important to you at that point. Do you think Jesus would see it your way?

What the Bible does tell us is this: Children have a special place in God’s heart and anyone who harms a child is inviting God’s wrath upon Him. Jesus welcomed little children to His side and said that the kingdom of God belongs to “such as these”. Mark 10:13 Guess what John Piper? That includes YOU as you lead your congregation to help HARM these children!

Your advice is damaging the children John Piper! You are allowing HARM by your giggle and mocking of this issue. Its real and it hurts. Its damaging, and you have allowed the cycle to continue to the next generation. You John Piper are enabler of abusive behavior. Shame on YOU!

Jesus had harsh words for anyone who would cause a child to stumble, “But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” The Bible tells parents to be gentle and loving with their children (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21).

It seems to me God it is abundantly clear how feels about the issue. Double check your notes, but if you give counsel to the Daddy that harms them? You can't claim ignorance ANYMORE!

You see YOUR LEADER of the home is also damaging the children, and the future generations of the church. You telling women that we don't need to hear from you until its done, and NOT tell her to call the police for her protection and those of the children? HELLO that's illegal in this country! SHAME ON YOU JOHN PIPER!

You are giving them the wrong image of God. You are telling them that the church, and our Lord Jesus would allow their mother to be mistreated, and for them to endure witnessing and living with that. You are telling them its acceptable. Do you think GOD would be pleased with that stand?

Please tell those children that submission teachings are MORE important, and I will tell you they will ask about the teaching for their Daddy. How are you going to answer them? He is the leader of the home? WILL THAT make them SLEEP BETTER?

Please let them know that you have to be SURE what type of abuse you are dealing with so you will know how to respond. Please tell them that one kind of pain from the abuser is better than the other please. They truly need to hear this from your pulpit. How about a children's sermon huh? Please tell the children the truth!

Children? Here is the address!

Desiring God
John Piper
2601 E Franklin Ave
Minneapolis, MN 55406

Children would you rather call? Call toll free! 1.888.346.4700

Please tell JOHN PIPER that your PAIN is important to GOD! Your witnessing of abuse is SIN in GOD'S EYES! Tell him you will pray for him - goodness knows the man needs it - and tell him you hope he sleeps WELL tonight!

John Piper's your Ignorance is Killing Children! SHAME ON YOU!

Faith Board Enables Emotional Abuse Part Two

I guess Family Life got an earful or something, because they decided they were going to 'change' the article. I have to say - it didn't make it any better. This faith board is still enabling emotional abuse.

Do you have a one-way marriage?

See yesterdays post, Faith Board Enables Emotional Abuse to see where we left off.

Editor’s note: One of the most difficult issues to address today is, “How long do you stay in a very unhappy marriage?” In the following article an anonymous wife describes her experiences and what God has taught her during a long, difficult relationship. It also sparked some interesting discussion in our comments section (see end of article) after it was sent by e-mail in the May 2009 issue of The Family Room. To provide greater context to the story and to address some misunderstandings, we worked with the writer to make revisions on May 4, 2009.

Ahem. I don't think there were many misunderstandings. Just because they changed the slant a bit to making her 'choice' in a way doesn't change the main point. That part wasn't strong enough, and their message came Thur loud and clear!

I have been married for over 47 years to a man who has centered his life and interests on himself.

When he and I were dating, he attended church with me occasionally and was active in his own church youth group, so I thought that we had the same commitment to church and God. We were only 18 years old, I was naïve, and I should have made a greater effort to make sure that we shared the same faith.

In the first weeks of marriage I asked him several times if he would like to begin visiting churches. He finally told me that when he was a child he was forced to go to church, and “Nobody is ever going to make me go again.” I expected that he would be loving, gentle, and kind. But within one month of the wedding, he was shoving me around and making me leave the room when his friends came to our apartment. One time, I was sitting on the couch with him and he kicked me, knocking the breath out of me.

This needed to stop. I told him I would not be mistreated, and I began packing my suitcase. He apologized and said he would never do it again. And to his credit he has not mistreated me physically ever since. Of course, I have experienced many other types of pain over the years.

He was almost always negative with his words, and rarely positive. A couple of times, I discovered that he was having a fling or an emotional affair.

It’s important to understand that I did not accept all of my husband’s mistreatment without any attempt to confront his behavior and plead with him to change. Though he considered himself king of the home, I did not accept all of his behavior or his decisions in the name of blind “submission.” I often urged him to consider counseling, either as a couple or individually, and he refused. “Counseling is for nutcakes,” he said. I left him books to read, and I got him to attend marriage conferences. For awhile I tried to make myself more appealing—I participated in many Bible studies on how to be a godly wife, and I read books on how to understand men. Those things were helpful but not the ultimate answer.

In the end I realized that nothing I could do would change my husband—he was a hardened, self-centered man committed to living his life the way he wished. I knew I needed to give him and our relationship to God, and ask Him to give me the strength to persevere and to love my husband.

When people hear my story, some wonder why I did not get a divorce. They say that I should have moved on and found someone to love me, that I deserved to be loved. They say I have been too subservient, and have stayed too long in an “abusive” relationship. We had three children, and some feel I should have taken them out of the house to protect them.


This is a difficult and sensitive issue to address because so many couples today do not stay together in circumstances like mine. Many cannot conceive of enduring hardship as I have. But I have been convinced that God has wanted me to keep the vows I made before Him.

I would not counsel wives to remain in the home if their husbands are physically abusive, or if they feel their children are threatened by severe emotional abuse. But my husband has kept his word for 45 years and has not hurt me physically since those incidents early in our marriage. He was not physically abusive to the children. And as difficult as he has been to live with, his treatment was never strong enough to lead me to seriously consider separation or divorce.

I have to shake my head here. I mean can we look at the news? BOY are we firm on abortion for example, but when it comes to abuse? We are WIMPY! We stand solid as a rock for unborn children, and when it comes to the foundation of the family? WELL! That's different! She got one point right! She can't change her husband, and she may need to accept the way he will always be. That's a HUGE step for most abused spouses. We allow ourselves to dream of that change, and give in to false hope. In some ways we are programed to! Why do I say that? Lets look to a verse she used before the revision.

The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

I mentioned before HOW OFTEN is the 'may' used compared to the 'may not'. She may have changed her article, but way to often do you see women shamed when they mention the 'may not' portion. I'm NOT going to tell you that people can't change their ways by watching and experiencing chaste and respectful behavior.

The part I still don't see is the addressing of his soul. This man may very well go to Hell. The abused spouse isn't always the best party to hold them to accountability. I will admit the church is very wishy washy this. "We don't know both sides of the story' type of deals. Its like they need to place secret cameras in the house so they can feel comfortable seeing the real deal! Remember you can't TELL them the cameras are there - people tend NOT to be themselves. lol I realize that won't happen. Just throwing it out there about how ridiculous it gets at times.

She says she mentions his sins, but what you don't read? His consequences for his sins. None. No boundaries. Nothing. Does anyone see the incentive to change? I don't! There are alot of men and women that don't have to go to great lengths to arouse some sense of morality and ethic out of their spouse. Her husband doesn't have to. The ways she describes things I'm sure she will tell you she was quite the nag. The nature of him as written? You think he would have an issue agreeing with that?!

Strength and wisdom

As I’ve grown in my faith during my marriage, I have relied on God to give me the strength and wisdom to stay with my husband and to keep our family together. I think about what the disciples learned during their time with Jesus. As Robert Coleman writes in his book, The Master Plan of Evangelism:

Following Jesus seemed easy enough at first. It soon became apparent that being a disciple of Christ involved far more—it meant the surrender of one’s whole life to the Master in absolute submission of his sovereignty. There could be no compromise. There was a cross in it—the willing denial of self for others. This was strong teaching. Not many people could take it.

The same is true in some marriages. It’s difficult to stay in a “one-way marriage”—where you are the only one making an effort to keep it going. There is a cross in it, and not many people can take it.

God has taught me many things through the years of heartache and disappointment.

Lets compare crosses here shall we?

The disciples of Christ's mission.



Versus being a victim of abuse due to a broken spouse.
See the difference? That isn't her cross! That is HIS cross to take up, and he needs to heal himself. She can't do that for HIM! It takes consequences when you are dealing with a person like she speaks of. Goodness knows there are other issues within marriage that are hurtful, and very hard to deal with. She is talking about a person that will NOT give an ounce of energy, and is more than willing to hurt her with no sense of remorse.

Telling your spouse, "I'm sorry" and then slowing going back to the way things were? The bible speaks of repentance as well. Your spouse is not your GOD, and if he is abusing you and your children? I just can't handle people saying they are your CROSS!

You may wonder how this applied to a difficult marriage. When you consider that
God is sovereign and rules over the universe, you realize that He is in control
of every person and circumstance in your life. Even if your husband is making a
poor decision, in the long run it will work for good. It does not mean God
causes poor decisions, but He may allow them so that He might receive glory and
mature our faith. You can never lose by being obedient to God.

She was talking about God's character here.

I don't know HOW she feels that bad decisions turn GOOD all the time for God's Glory. Can it happen? Sure. Personally, I think she is using part of that as an excuse for him.

I can think of situations like the early Christ followers dealing with torture because of their principals of not being STOPPED speaking about Christ. I can see men like Martin Luther King, Jr. knowing that one day he KNEW he would be killed for his cause. I can understand why some people risk their lifes to become missionaries, because to them the message of Christ is worth dying for.

These are honorable. Making excuses for an abusive spouse is NOT! There is a DIFFERENCE!

She changed her prayer portion, but I still don't agree with it!

Sometimes in our marriage I was angry or hurt, and I told my husband in a very unpleasant manner how I felt. I would try to make him feel guilty. I gave him books on how to meet your wife’s needs. I tried all the things that a human can try, without success. God showed me one day that I was trying to do His work—only He can change a person.

I also learned to pray and trust God with our children. My husband loved his children, but he did not make the effort to spend time with them or build a relationship with them. Just as he was with me, he was continually negative with them, and rarely had anything positive to say.

I found myself in the position not only of being the primary parent for my children, but also working with my husband to soften him and help him understand their needs. For example, if he was too harsh in disciplining a child, I would talk with him to help him think about whether his “punishment fit the crime.” When a child brought home a report card from school, I would encourage him to praise the child rather than just criticize for what he considered a low grade. It was a constant process.

Yet I also realized that sometimes I needed to depend on God. I remember one time in particular when I was upstairs in our home, and I heard my husband criticize our children with excessive harshness. It broke my heart. On other occasions I might have run down and defended my children or removed them from the room, but in this case I cried out to God. I asked God again to give me the strength to deal with my husband and to help my children understand their father. I prayed for my husband to cease his words to them at that moment. God answered each of those prayers.

Prayer is powerful. It can go where you cannot. It reaches inside your husband’s head and heart.

God’s way is so often different from ours. 1 Peter 3:1 tells us, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

sighhhhhh. Spiritual Pixie dust.

God has given me joy

Some people who hear my story feel that I have responded to a bad marriage by adopting some type of unrealistic, super-pious spirituality, or by hiding behind a shroud of “submissiveness” when the truly loving thing to do would have been to confront my husband. But both of these assumptions are far from the truth. Whether I kept my mouth shut or confronted my husband, the bottom line is that I feel like God wanted me to stick it out in my marriage and that there was no way I could do that without relying on Him. The essentials I’ve mentioned here have helped me to do just that, but I learned them over many years of trial and error as well as failed attempts to fix things on my own. I have certainly not practiced them perfectly. I’ve failed many times, and I’ve acted unbecoming of a follower of Jesus Christ. But confession and repentance bring me back to where I should be.

Do I still wish I had a husband like I’ve seen others have? Yes. Is it my ultimate goal? No. When I let go of my expectations and gave them to God, I was set free. He offers a joy that no one can steal and a peace that passes all understanding.


In a sense, God has become my sweetheart—one who loves me perfectly and never fails me. His companionship has become so real to me over time. I’m reminded of the verse in Isaiah 54:4 that describes God as a husband. So although I wish I could have had a loving husband, I wouldn’t trade that for the oneness I have experienced with God as a result of my trials.

I finally accepted that my marriage might not ever get any better. You might think that realization would plunge me into despair or hopelessness, but it was actually the opposite: I felt an incredible sense of freedom and peace as I released my marriage to God.

Someone once asked me how I would feel when my husband passes away. Would I be relieved that he couldn’t hurt me anymore or cause my life any more stress? My response was no. As God has helped me grow over the years, He’s also given me a genuine love for my husband. I released my marriage to Him, knowing that it would never be a fairy tale romance, and He has filled in the gaps where it fell short.

I am so grateful to God for teaching me these spiritual disciplines. Today my marriage is not the major struggle it once was. In our older age I have increasingly become a caregiver in our relationship because of his disabilities due to strokes, and our home has mostly become peaceful. God has given me great joy in life. You, too, can thrive in a difficult marriage and experience an intimacy with God you never thought possible.

I can see this article being helpful for those deep in denial, and able to view things so they look better. I seriously have to wonder WHY Family Life would tell a spouse that you need to use God as your rose colored glasses.

I think this lady may be surprised at how much relief - after her grieve of course - that death my bring her.

She reminds me of my grandmother. I didn't learn until I was adult that my grandfather had beat both my mother and grandmother during his life. I lived 1,000 miles away, and I guess that part of the family history was easy to hide. I knew my grandmother had an unhealthy view towards things, and when I found that out I knew why she did. She used it as a tool to endure the years of being beat and abused. I'm sure there came a time in which he stopped hitting her, but his verbal and emotional they didn't stop.

The saddest part? After 60 some years of marriage, and at an elderly age my grandmother for first time actually started to live when he passed away. I'm thankful she got that short period of time, but the reason it wasn't longer was because of the teachings she got at her church. She made him her cross, and he didn't get better. The church ignored it, and gave him a leadership role. The Southern Baptist Church made sure he got everything he wanted, but I don't think he ever had peace. You know the peace that the church was to help him find in his relationship with Christ? He didn't find PEACE in his authority and her submission. She on the other had peace during her life. Different types of peace, and the type of peace the author claims she has now.

I still think this article is irresponsible, and it doesn't give a good view of what you should do when your PEACE within the home isn't present. I'm not saying divorce, but YE SH why does the church always forget about the sinner? Ya know! Those are the ones Jesus came FOR!

A Faith Board that enables Emotional Abuse. Its a sad and irresponsible stand. Is that truly the family values they want to show? How to endure entitlment, Rage and Wrath? What? We can't show protection for the abused? She and her family need our prayers of enlightment, and to show what true peace can mean.

Damage of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse

Super Nanny is going to try to show Phil Davis the damage he is doing to his family by using his youngest children. How the emotional abuse and the verbal abuse is truly damaging. Reminds me of this story:


NAILS IN THE FENCE


There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him
a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must
hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned
to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually
dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out
one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led
him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say
things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put
a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you
say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

~ author unknown ~

(This is a series of articles I wrote to show a Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see.  Click to see the different topics we have covered)

Now watch how Super Nanny is attempting to show Phil Davis the same lesson the father did, but in a different way.



You can see that this man does love his family, but he isn't capable of showing that love in the proper way. He needs help to show him how NOT to place more nails in fence...more darts in their soul. The rest of the family needs different types of help as well. We need to stop denying the damage that words can cause.

James 3:1-18 CEV My friends, we should not all try to become teachers. In fact, teachers will be judged more strictly than others. (2) All of us do many wrong things. But if you can control your tongue, you are mature and able to control your whole body. (3) By putting a bit into the mouth of a horse, we can turn the horse in different directions. (4) It takes strong winds to move a large sailing ship, but the captain uses only a small rudder to make it go in any direction. (5) Our tongues are small too, and yet they brag about big things. It takes only a spark to start a forest fire! (6) The tongue is like a spark. It is an evil power that dirties the rest of the body and sets a person's entire life on fire with flames that come from hell itself. (7) All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures can be tamed and have been tamed. (8) But our tongues get out of control. They are restless and evil, and always spreading deadly poison. (9) My dear friends, with our tongues we speak both praises and curses. We praise our Lord and Father, and we curse people who were created to be like God, and this isn't right. (10) (SEE 3:9) (11) Can clean water and dirty water both flow from the same spring? (12) Can a fig tree produce olives or a grapevine produce figs? Does fresh water come from a well full of salt water? (13) Are any of you wise or sensible? Then show it by living right and by being humble and wise in everything you do. (14) But if your heart is full of bitter jealousy and selfishness, don't brag or lie to cover up the truth. (15) That kind of wisdom doesn't come from above. It is earthly and selfish and comes from the devil himself. (16) Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble and do all sorts of cruel things. (17) But the wisdom that comes from above leads us to be pure, friendly, gentle, sensible, kind, helpful, genuine, and sincere. (18) When peacemakers plant seeds of peace, they will harvest justice.

The damage of emotional and verbal abuse is real.

Entitlement, Minimize and Divert

I'm going to continue a series I wanted to do on visuals of emotional and verbal abuse. Please keep in mind that some of these scenes could be triggering to some parties.  We are using segments of video from the program Super Nanny.  It's sometimes easier to see and feel the points when you are able to visualize them.

(I did a series of articles on this program to point out different aspects of abuse.  Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see to view the complete series of topics)

Points to remember:

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Abusing Authority:
Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are "the truth"); telling you what to do or not to do; making big decisions; using twisted "logic"

Do they expect and/or demand that individual family members follow their orders or wishes? Do they become angry if their wishes are not fulfilled or if what they want to do is not anticipated?

Now watch the video, and watch for the diversion to get OFF the subject using a cereal bowl.



At the beginning of this video you can tell that Mr. Davis can be very nice and charming when he wants to. I'm sure thoughts crossed his mind about whether or not maybe he should have kept the chauvinist comments to himself. "I wonder what she is thinking about me!"

Now within a women's christian setting the wife's comments would have got a tongue lashing from the group. Chances are very good the wife may not bring up the chauvinist attitude, and if she did? Well they do ask HOW he is chauvinist. They ask for examples, and with each example they tend to tear it apart about how she must be perceiving this incorrectly. "Well most men don't do as much housework, and we always do more with the children! According to the Proverbs 31 woman isn't that our goal?!" I have seen women ripped to pieces over mentioning this type of thing, because they see it has dishonoring their husband. "I would NEVER be caught talking like that about my husband! You should be ashamed!" We need to break the silence, and not ask people to stuff this unhealthy dynamic.

Granted her attitude may not be appropriate with the christian setting, but we are talking a party that came to their house to help them. It could be pretty normal to be voicing these complaints in some counseling type of settings. lol I'm not saying super nanny is a counselor okay? I was talking generally!

Once again we notice that Mr. Davis doesn't have an issue with telling Super Nanny that his responsibility is to go to work. She works as well, but per the previous video he feels its not much of a contribution because, 'she sits on her rear end all day'. She has a office job, and I guess he is a laborer of some sort.

His job is physically demanding so he really needs the quality time, and since her job is NOT - she needs to take care of things once he gets home. I dealt with this attitude myself. "You sit at a desk all day! I actually WORK!"

Now keep in mind one of the tactics when the heat is on is to divert! Divert attention off this subject, and move on to the next! You don't get resolution that way do you? Resolution isn't something you get when you deal with an abuser.

He moves on the cereal bowl that was left out for his diversion, and she tries to keep them on the same subject. Its gets louder and louder because both parties want to be heard. He doesn't want to talk about giving up his quality time, and she wants him to admit things. Diversion is a very important trait, and they do this very easily at times. They can do it the loud way - per the video - or they have softer and calmer ways.

I can hear some people say, "Just walk away!" I will show you the response to that in an upcoming video. I'm not saying this is a proper form of communication okay? I will tell you that their sense of entitlement does rear this type of frustrating conversation, because as you can tell from the previous video they walk away and say its NOT their job! In an upcoming video you will see how 'walking away' doesn't solve things either.

Now we see that this couple has already separated over some of this behavior already. I cut out part of the first of this show, and their daughter Morgan has mentioned it has been more than once. They have separated more than once over this type of thing. Each time he mentioned he would 'step up to the plate'! She loves him, and she wants this family together. She isn't certain where their future would bring them.

If we look at how most churches approach it: 'we need to stop the possible divorce'! You notice she doesn't WANT the divorce, but she wants the abusive dynamics to stop. Most victims want this, and yet when you go for help it isn't perceived like this. Because it Matters has a post about this dynamic between the couples and the church.

Abusers do tend to make promises when they KNOW they have gone to far! "I will change! You need to give me another chance! Can't you forgive me?" They wail at alter calls, and say they have fully repented...please talk to her to give me another chance! I'm SURE they mean it at the time, but the problem is they don't have the tools to stick to their promises. They slowly turn back into the demon behavior that got them into the doghouse to begin with. Alot of times they get worse, because they don't want their families to speak out again! They tend to tighten their control! You could miss your opportunity to help the WHOLE family if you aren't familiar with the traits about domestic violence within the church!

Once again I want to remind you their behavior is mellow, and I'm SURE its due to the cameras on them. If they can get this out of control on camera - can you imagine in private? They will be on better behavior due to the cameras, and it gets alot worse when the attention isn't on them.

Does his behavior teach his children skills that they will need to lead a healthy life? Would the dynamic change if the wife 'changed herself', and he didn't do his part? How do you make the children realize that this isn't proper behavior as far as a man goes without being seen as dishonoring her spouse? They have had conversations before about how this needs to stop, and they might stop for a while...but they continue as soon as the heat is off.

Abusers may be very sincere at the time, but they don't have the tools or capability to do this on their own. Their spouse or partner isn't the one that should be handling that part with them. They have their own habit patterns they must break in order for the relationship to get on healthy footing. Remember they are frighten of the abuser's behavior if they bring up something that he doesn't like to the surface. If they know they will be punished for it some how - HOW are they going to be helpful to their spouse at that point?

The victims and their children need a different type of help. They also need time once the abuser has committed to getting their own help to learn to trust again. Abusers will be very impatient at that point. That is a clear sign they have more work to do. Its called consequences, and they can learn from those. Don't guilt the family into being more open with the trust in order to encourage them. That is something they truly need to earn back, and pressure from the outside to SHOW trust as encouragement will hinder the victims growth. They need to realize its OKAY to voice their feelings and reactions. They haven't been able to for a long time, and you are asking them to stuff them again. The abuser gets the encouragement, but at what price for the victims?

Remember abusers feel an unhealthy sense of entitlement towards their family. They minimize their damage, and divert off subject matters that make them uncomfortable.

If you missed part one see below:

Visions of Emotional and Verbal Abuse - Can you feel the humilation

Visions of Emotional and Verbal Abuse - Can you feel the humilation?

From time to time I watch some brainless TV, and this last week I watched Extreme Home Makeover. ONE of my favorites! I was in the mood for a bit more feel good television, and the ABC program I was using suggested Super Nanny. I have never watched the show, but I had heard about it. I figured what the heck!

(This is part of a series of articles I wrote using this program.  Series of Emotional and Verbal Abuse your hear, feel, and see. to view the different topics)

I watched this show, and I realized this was a great example to show others about emotional abuse, and verbal abuse within the family. Keep in mind I will not show the entire show, but have broken it up in pieces to show different points.

I want to remind you that as most of us would - they are going to place their best foot forward since the cameras are on them. As with most people their behavior will be tame compared to what its like without the cameras present.

I'm not doing this to demonize anyone, and keep in mind this is mild...and this type of behavior is common among people that commit this type of domestic violence. Remember gender doesn't apply. It will show you how words can tear apart a family, and give you a hint that fists aren't the only weapon that can do the job!

Watch this clip below, and see if you can identify the following behaviors that are signs of possible domestic violence. Remember domestic violence is a pattern of behavior!

Keep mind these videos could trigger some people!

Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.

Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

You notice how she is acting towards the end? She turns red, and his scratching herself. You can tell how many times she has heard this speech before.

He doesn't have problem thinking it is MORE than okay to humiliate his wife on national television. Her job is minimized because, "You don't do that much! I mean you sit on your rear end all day!" He feels entitled to his role, and also feels entitled to tell her what her job is. This type of attitude is very common, but most people aren't going to show it in this fashion. Abusive people do know that most of the world isn't going to accept this type of behavior.

Her contribution isn't the same as his. She giggles because she is nervous. Could it be shame? Humiliation? Beaten down, and doesn't want to go there anymore? I don't know which, because it could also be a fear of retaliation once those cameras leave if she stands up for herself.

Remember some of the signs to watch for in people that come to you for help!

Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
Excessive fear of conflict
Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)

Questions to her that you can see the answer to in her behavior!

Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

This is our first introduction to the Davis family, and I will try to take this step by step. I want people to see things so maybe they can recognize it when someone comes to them for help.

Please don't think that this doesn't happen in Christian homes, because they aren't exempt! This is very mild behavior compared to what your contact could be experiencing within their home. Abusers do know they have to act a certain way around others, and they aren't likely to cross a personal boundary that is widely accepted when company is present. Phil Davis is different in that way, and I'm sure a bit more agressive behind the scenes.

Someone told me years ago that if an abuser doesn't have a problem with showing his abusive nature to the world it could be that he is a bit more dangerous than most. I have to agree with that statement. We do have stereotypes in our heads of WHAT an abuser looks like, and how we could point them out with time. They have spent their lifetime hiding that part, and showing the world the opposite for a reason. They want people to think they are good person, and don't want to call attention to that part of them. Its motive on their part. Remember they don't call this the silent killer for nothing!

The next couple of days I will be breaking up this show to point out certain behaviors, and show the pattern. Remember men aren't the only ones that do this.

Part Two Entitlement, Minimize and Divert

Part Three Abuser Tears Down the Children as Well

Visions of Emotional and Verbal Abuse - Can you feel the humilation?

"Why Won't Anyone Listen?"

Escaping the Trap of Domestic Violence had a very interesting article from a father on the article they entitled, "Why Won't Anyone Listen?" about his thoughts on domestic abuse.

Anonymous said...
As a father of a young daughter, I must object to some of these comments from bible quoting individuals Women must submit? To what? broken bones, black eyes, shattered self esteem, endless trips to the hospital. What Lord do you pray to? Tell me something why don't you then tell the Doctor that "you were correcting you partner's deficient attitude?" You could not even pass that off in church if you brought her there instead of the emergency room. If I made such comments that "women are men's property" or that "The woman is to be subject to the man. This is not new information. You forget that its the man that takes care of his female. It's her job to take care of him",I would be ashamed to have a y chromosome. If my male gene constitutes the right for me to force submission then what sort of man would I be? Experience tells us that cooperation between partners is the most effective way to achieve a satisfying relationship. Ask yourself this is, if you achieve your means by striking fear into an individual how secure are you? It is most likely your insecurity that causes you to want to dominate someone else. The Lord God never intended such violence. "Blessed are the peace makers for they shall see God."

The individual that wrote this comment, truly, does "listen" and understands. I want to encourage you, that although you may have run into 'road blocks' in finding someone that will really listen and offer help...there IS help available. The first step in receiving that help is to tell someone. Violence against women and wife abuse needs to spoken about, and only then can all parties be helped and healed! Domestic violence and the church needs to be addressed, and its sad at times but we do have to realize sometimes that help will happen outside of the church. Protection from abuse is the first goal, and it should come first before the marriage. The marriage can be dealt with later, but sadly safety at times is not always the goal. To me that shows blindness of the real issue, and a form of reigious abuse.


Closing quote from this blogger Kathryn:

Numerous times I've let you know that there is an army of individuals that pray for the readers of this blog site. They are connected to you through their prayer support...never forget that. More than anything else, I wish I could give each and every one of you a big (((HUG))).

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

The Color Purple

This story is of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and of course emotional and verbal abuse. I'm sure there are other threads within this story, and I know its a story of domestic violence that people would like to forget.

I watched this and you can see the generations of how domestic violence and emotional abuse just continued. I'm sure its to ugly to show in some churches, but it shows the reality of life that isn't so pretty to look at. The husband of the main character was victim himself, and it showed how his son tried to continue the cycle once again.

It is a story of faith as well. It may not be the modern day story, but its the reality of alot of people's lifes. THEN and now! To me it also shows the baby steps that everyone makes towards a difference.

The color purple is a story that has alot of forms of domestic violence. Every form including the theme here....emotional abuse.

This movie is off site and you will need DivX Web Player to watch it. They do make that program for Mac and PC computers. It gives the movie a neat effect. It darkens the whole screen, except for the movie itself. lol MOVIE theater effect I guess! If you don't feel safe doing so on the movie page? Here is DIVX site. You are looking for the video download.

Click Here for movie


At the end it sense of hope. God can change our lifes around, and God will hand us things in his time. The character's children grew up with no domestic violence within their family, and met their mother and history will change for all. Funny how God can do that at times Huh?

Domestic Violence Victim is Told to NOT divorce on RADIO!

Abstract-Ellie wrote about a call regarding a women whom experienced a beating from husband per the advice given on Family Radio. I guess the victim alone needs counseling in cases of domestic violence!

Pastor: Ok, let's have the next caller

Caller: Hi Pastor, my sister called you about 6 months ago about some of your tracts she was handing out at her church, and how her husband didn't approve?

P: OK, and what can I do for you today?

C: Well, you said she should hand out the tracts and then let her husband discipline her later.

P: OK

C: Well, he disciplined her pretty hard. Gave her a couple of breaks and stuff. My question to you is, does she have to to go back to him after what's happened?

P: (long pause) Well, uh, one thing I should say is... this abuse.... uh... don't think of it as justification for a divorce, God tells us how no matter what, divorce should never even be thought of as an option, so please please, don't even think about that.. Now, maybe your sister might be able to find some counselling that would help, and perhaps even be estranged from her husband for a while until things calm down a little; but never... never... consider divorce. Thank you for calling today, let's have our next caller

Can we say denial? YIKES! God wishes people to get healing, and that also includes abusers. Victims of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse or ANY form of domestic violence are NOT called to return after a 'cooling off period'.

Going back doesn't heal them - God can but it will have to be with agreement and effort on behave of the abuser. True repentance of their wrongs. That's doesn't mean half baked excuses like, "I told you I was sorry can we drop it now? We don't need to talk about this anymore!" type of responses!

Beanerywriters had a very telling poem on behalf of abused children. It a poem of domestic violence towards the child. It speaks volumes of the effects of verbal abuse of a child, and effects of emotional abuse of a child. Granted the poem speaks of both parents abusing the child, but the message is the same at times even with just one abusing. Abuse effects children even when they are NOT the direct victim!

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. The poem/song below was written by Linda, who experienced soul-deep abuse from her parents during her childhood. It is posted with her permission. —Carolyn

(Chorus)
I’m a well-adjusted child,
But things weren’t always this good.
When Mommy would beat me,
And Daddy would abuse me,
I loved them the best that I could.

(Verse 1)
Now I know that there’s others just like me,
Who think that no one is there.
I want to help,
Please, God help me help them,
Simply because I care.

(Verse 2)
Now I know how it hurts deep inside,
And the pain is too hard to bear.
As I fall to my knees,
Dear God, hear my pleas,
Let’s let them know that we care.

(Verse 3)
If you see a child who is hurting,
Don’t turn you heart away.
Give him your love,
And ask God above,
To save him before it’s too late.

The church needs to show that they hear victims of domestic violence. They need to HEAR the effects of verbal and emotional abuse! They need to hear they must take action! God does hear, and I don't think he likes the church's reaction. I wanted to give examples of ignorance, and how people are silenced. AND how some people WANT to hear!

Breaking the Silence - Children's stories of domestic violence! PBS

I finally found it. Its a video I had heard about on PBS, and it speaks about the children of domestic violence. I realize domestic violence is a strong term for alot of people, but if you see this documentary you will realize that signs of verbal abuse, and signs of emotional abuse are always present. Its portion of domestic violence that people don't wish to acknowledge.

There have been alot of critics of 'Breaking the Silence - Children's Stories of Domestic Violence'. The parents that lost custody do speak of course, but the children are speaking just as loud. The children that grew up, and were able to see things clearer now. They also see the emotional child abuse, and the verbal child abuse that was used towards them. It talks to the children that were ripped from the parents that cared for them, and how the system at times can work against them. It has children that have finally escaped, and NOT just their parents that wanted custody of them. It shows how backwards the system can be, and how at times people can't see the things they will be fighting for until they get out!

It speaks of sexual abuse, and horrible domestic violence of all realms! Please keep in mind it could trigger some watchers!

I found two links, and I hope that one of them you can play. Its about one hour long.





Breaking The Silence; Children's Stories October 2005 PBS Documentary- (1hr 4 min)This powerful PBS documentary chronicles the impact of domestic violence on children and the recurring failings of family courts across the country to protect them from their abusers. In stark and often poignant interviews, children and battered mothers tell their stories of abuse at home and continued trauma within the courts. The one-hour special also features interviews with domestic violence experts, attorneys and judges who reveal the disturbing frequency in which abusers are winning custody of their children and why these miscarriages of justice continue to occur. This Documentary is a part of the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights lawsuit (Dombrowski v US) in conjunct with other National Organizations on behalf of Battered Mothers and Battered Children Nationally. Entire Petition here: http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/ocean/host.php?folder=3&page=468

Breaking the Silence: Childrens Stories

I found this video at:

Kansas Mothers For Custodial Justice: What is Fair for Children of Abusive Men? in case the links don't work for you!

Please note: This video is NOT about gender bashing! Its not against MEN in general! There have been alot of very ugly cases in the opposite direction, and I know at times men have a harder time with this. Say thank you to stereotypes!

Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse and the rest are the enemy.... no gender is immune!

What is Emotional Abuse actually?

I think most people have seen lists of behaviors from a number of different sources about emotional abuse, but what most don't grasp is that this is a pattern of behavior. Emotional abuse has a pattern of behavior!

PATTERN is the key element to this concept of emotional abuse, and just because someone is ugly one day doesn't make them abusive.

I think people tend to overuse the word 'emotional abuse' myself. ABUSE in general tends to be overused as well. Abuse is a 'PATTERN' of behavior not just being what the world calls a 'jerk' on occasion. Can't name a person on earth that hasn't been guilty of that!

Recently, I heard a pastor describe this very well. I will try to place it in a nutshell for you. He mentioned that week he had worked with a number of others at the church on a project he was responsible for. They didn't do something his way, and he got all bent out shape over it. Instead of handling it the way we are asked to he basically had a temper tantrum instead. His behavior was far from acceptable. He had one of those moments we have all had when we realize we opened our mouths, and placed our foot into it instead! "OH! I can't believe I just said that!" type of moments! He had to humble himself, and he had to go to the others and apologize and ask forgiveness. He truly repented of this. This wasn't normal behavior for him, and he was genuine about his asking for forgiveness, and repented of his bad behavior.

His behavior isn't called abusive because it isn't a pattern of behavior for him.

• If he had a pattern of blowing a gasket when people on projects didn't do things his way it could be different.



• If he apologized to people more to save face more then out of genuine repentance that would be completely different as well.



• If his apology was full of blame shifting, "I realize I was acting awful, but if you guys would have JUST done what I asked in the first place it may NOT have happened!" This is an example of NOT being very sorry!

I'm sure we have all experienced those types of 'apologies' in the past, and we also know they were NOT very geniune in nature.

Another thing people tend to get mixed up about is the fact that a person that can be emotional abusive can also be a nice, caring person at times.

Just because they happen to be a broken soul that acts sinfully towards others at times because of wrong habit patterns doesn't mean they can't also be nice at times. It also doesn't mean they can't be genuine with their repentance as well at times.

Some people that are emotionally abusive WILL apologize after a while, and some will never mutter a word! Some will say they will stop the behavior, but that normally happens when their world has fallen down around them. Remember a couple of things:

• If the pattern of behavior continues, and they don't do anything about it chances are they aren't all that genuine.



• If they seek out help, and then make excuses about how that can't continue is another sign.



• If they flat out deny things, and tell others they are basically blowing it out of proportion, being to sensitive, or claim that most people act like this another good sign.



• Complain they can't do this (help, accountability, etc) with others, because they don't wish others to know their personal business.



• Claim their partners behavior is just as bad, and when are they going to address their's also?



• Make excuses about how the therapist or counselor would be bias against them for all kinds of reasons.



• Claim they can't help it due to their past. ie: child abuse, etc.



• They claim its just a bad temper, and YOU know they don't MEAN IT!

People on the receiving end of emotional abuse (remember its a pattern) either tend to get defensive at times, or they start to doubt themselves. They can be upfront in their approach to this person about their hurt over the emotional abuse, and their partner will respond with either:

• Not allowing the person to finish their thought



• Twisting what they said to tell them what they really mean. Normally very extreme twisting at that!



• Mock or Ridicule them



• Tell them they are being HURT themselves by listening to a complaint from their partner



• Totally ignoring them or silent treatment



• Pouts or storms off



• Diverts the attention off themselves with statements like: "YOUR not perfect either!" "If you wouldn't do that I would have to act this way!" "I have to do this otherwise YOU won't listen!"

These are just a few. The end equation is that the person that is trying to get the point across about the HURT, or are attempting to explain themselves is brushed off in all kinds of ways.

I think people get this concept of emotional abuse confused by the fact that anyone can be a jerk on occasion. Anyone can call someone names, and anyone can come across as cold and unfeeling. What I tend to get confused about is that when there is a pattern there, and people are reaching out and people offer simplistic advice.

MAYBE you just need to be in a better MOOD most of the time!

Maybe they don't feel loved or respected, and THAT's way they are acting ugly!

People tend to place that burden of their pain right back on their plates. YOU can do something to make this stop in other words. LOOK at your actions, and maybe you are causing this. That's junk! That's excuses of people that don't want to get involved. Pattern show issues with the emotional abusive person that is causing the behavior in this case!

The key here is PATTERN! If your partner has a pattern of mocking, screaming, pushing you to your limit, etc..........THINK! People say we are responsible for our own actions all the time. Why is it when there is a pattern involved, and you mention this pattern they say YOU are responsible! YOU need to change so it doesn't happen. When you take your first step to realizing YOU aren't doing anything to make them blow their stacks... YOU are taking the first step towards doing something about it.

People are responsible for their own actions, and even if someone is 'pushing their buttons'.........that doesn't change. Don't allow others to tell you that is does.

You can find lists of behaviors on emotional abuse all over the internet, so I won't supply you that. I want to give you the key ingredent that most miss out on - and that is PATTERN! PATTERN is the key!

Children of Uxoricide - When one parent kills the other....what happens to the children?

I found this video on youtube, and they are speaking of a segment of the population that are pretty much ignored. They are speaking about the children that are left after one parent kills the other. What happens to them, and the silence they are forced to take on about that day/night when they lost both of their parents.

I can't imagine the pain and torment these children have to stuff away to make it comfortable for the rest of the world, and yet I have to be reminded that even before the death that silence was there.



In this video they are going to speak about what they call, 'uxoricide'. Its a clinical term for when one parent kills the other. The video speaks of what happens to those children after this has taken place.

Most of the time when uxoricide happens the child is taken to live with a grandmother, and in this study those grandmothers asked, 'What about the children? How do we raise them? How do we help them?' They did a search, and there was no material at all about this. None. There was research about the happening of when one parent kills the other, but nothing about afterwards.

They had to do some background for the study, and wanted to start with some adults that had this happen to them during their children.....and what happened to them.

They started to use what they call the 'Campbell' study, and they found that in 65% of the cases children were home during the homicide. 43% witnessed the homicide. They also wanted to see many children were actually effected, and they came up with a number just over 4,000 children nationwide. They wanted to compare that to another group of children, and they picked childhood leukemia in which 2,600 to 2,800 children are effected. How much more funding and attention do those poor children get compared to those of uxoricide! We have a huge segment of the children that are pretty much being ignored.

They study currently had spoke to 40 adult survivors or uxoricide, and they were holding this talk in hopes of finding additional adults to help them with this study. They were looking towards the audience for referrals in a way. They wanted to have 90 total to make the study complete in some fashion.

Things they found that happened later in their lifes in many of the participates:

1) Continued violence in their lifes. The number of men and women were equally effected by uxorcide, and both genders were found that violence continued in their lifes. Women reported about being victims, and men were the most up front about the fact they were abusive to their partners. The men were very open about this fact, and once they were arrested they realized they were no better than their father. It effected them so much that alot of them finally turned their lifes around. They learned to find ways of helping themselves, and others to wake up about the effects of domestic violence.

I thought that was quite interesting! What about you?

2) The second item is that these children make peace with the parent that killed. Once their parent is released from jail they feel they must reestablish a relationship with that parent.

Common themes:

'We all make mistakes!'
'He was in a blackout! He didn't know what he was doing!'
'Venegance is mine says the Lord' Its not my place to judge what he did.'
'No matter how sick that family tree is - I'm still a branch of it!' I can't escape or cut the family off.
'He is the only grandfather my children will ever have! I can't take that away from them!' Remember we are speaking of adults that grew up after this happened!

One set of daugthers that witnessed their mother being shot, and fell to the floor asked her daugthers to go and get her bible. She then told them to NOT hate their father for what he did....he is sick! She then died. Those two daugthers are now taking care of Dad in their lifes.

In alot of ways children see this as loyality to the memory of their mother.

One chilling story I remember is a child remembering the news media after it happened. The media reported that, 'Estranged husband shot and killed his wife'. This child turned to her sister and said, "SEE everyone knew Dad was strange, and no one did anything to stop him!'

3) I just about cried when I heard that these adult children mentioned that this study was the first and only time in their lifes that they were really allowed to ever really talk about this part their lifes.

Most people encourage the children NOT to talk about it. These children of uxoricide should be able to talk about it.

What happens is that if they children were witnesses of the parent being killed they are told NOT to talk about it before the trial! After the trial no one ever tells these children.......its okay to talk about it now.

The children reported that those people that took them in after the uxoricide told them to place the past behind them, and move on! We aren't going to talk about that - it was something bad! Its important now to just get your life together!

Sound familiar? Those children wanted and needed to talk about it.....and in most cases were told NOT to!

4) They also found that most of these children had just one important person in their lifes that impacted them afterwards. Most of the time these children are placed in foster care, and shuffled around from home to home for the rest of their lifes.

One brother and sister mentioned an Aunt they had. She wasn't around that much, but kept in contact with them. Their aunt was a missionary, and was gone much of the time. The aunt came once the homoside took place - which mom shot dad - and she was placed in a mental wards for some months while the aunt took care of them. Once mom was released she was in no position to be taking care of anyone, but the aunt did leave to go back to work in the missionary field. Mom was a broken shell of a person, and wasn't capable of caring for anyone. One thing the children did remember was the aunt was always in contact. She would send letters, tapes and packages. They said just knowing she was there - even if on the other side of the world really made a difference in their lifes.


5) What do you call the person (mom or dad that killed) afterwards?

Most of the time they found that people could NOT refer their parent as MOM or DAD, because it may insult this child or children in some way. They start to call this parent by their first name. That was very troublesome to the children! They wanted to continue to call them MOM or DAD!

6) In alot of cases children find mom or dad after they have been killed, and try to clean up the room or the mess. Its one of the most painful memories, and yet is constant with these children's memories.

They look at it as trying to take care of the mom or the dad.

At the end of the video one of the men that did this study presented a study of one of the families (children) of uxoricide.

The last portion was a women that survived this in her childhood, and spoke of a conversation she had with her grandchild.

'Grandma where is your Mom and Dad?'

'Where is my Mom and Dad honey?'

'Grandma your Mom and Dad are in heaven!'

'Your right! They are!'

Even after all these years this women had such a hard time speaking of this, and she had such a hard time just keeping it together to speak to this group of people.

I found the silence is always present during these cases. Silence is there when its happening, and silence and denial is happening after an escape for that life. Silence is even there when someone is killed.

I'm praying for these children of uxoricide, and I will pray for the adult survivors as well. I will pray that the silence is broken, and people are finally allow to speak of this. My hope for them is peace finally. Love, Joy and Peace!

Will you love me to Death?

beanerywriters had a post about a poem Domestic Violence, and the author's children even got involved with the process! There is no name listed for the author, and please check out the blog linked above for other good sources of literature on the subject!

While I was writing this poem, the kids wanted to know what I was doing. I told them I was writing the poem as a way of releasing that part of my life, and they thought they wanted to help. They wanted to do something, so I told them we would do a cover for the poem, a cover page. And I told them we would each draw a picture, but I let them draw two pictures, representing or depicting what those five years—the worst of the five years—meant to us.

The night has closed in; the hour’s grown late.
In hopeless despair, we ponder our fate.
The door soon kicks in. How angry you are!!
Oh no! Not again!! Not yet another scar!!!

Two little boys are down on their knees.
Their terrified cries: “Please don’t! Daddy please!!”
That look on your face. That glare in your eye.
“Oh God! Here it comes!” I silently cry.

You grab me, You hurt me, Squeezing too tight.
I know in my soul, it’s never been right.
My heart hits the floor; I just hold my breath.
Will this be the night that you “Love Me To Death??”

The sun of a new day, shining so bright,
Chases the terror of the past midnight’s fight.
But brand new tomorrows don’t keep it away.
It’s never gone long. It’s never okay.

It won’t last too long, this calm peaceful wind.
Soon there’ll be rage, and you’ll hurt us again.
Can we ever break free? Oh, what can we do??
When even the courtrooms can’t constrain you.

You won’t let us go. You’ve imprisoned me.
With fear of our safety, and my sanity.
Four little boys, they’ve done you no wrong.
To protect their lives, I’ve got to be strong.

All of this madness, it just has to end.
I have to let go, to start living again.
I’ve trembled at hearings, I’ve gagged on my fears;
I’ve shuddered and braced myself, fighting back tears.

And now that it’s over. Now that it’s done.
How long do the kids and I have left to run??
Please!! Let me sit back and just catch my breath;
For once, give me hope, you won’t “Love Me To Death!”

We put it down on paper so we could let it go. My oldest boy drew the handcuffs and the knife—he drew the knife and the handcuffs—because the knife symbolized his father threatening us with the knife, and the handcuffs symbolized his freedom from the trauma.

“When they took dad away in handcuffs we were free.”

The second son drew the gun and the baseball bat because we were threatened with the gun and we were threatened with a club.

And I drew the broken heart and the crying eyes. Actually, my third son helped me draw the crying eyes because I wasn’t that good of an artist. But that’s how each of us felt—that’s what we needed to let go of. So that’s how the cover came about.



Additional Poems:
You can't
What It Means To Be A Victim
A Chosen Vessel
Will You Love me To Death
Shattered Pieces
Recycled Rose
Saturday Night Special
Walls

'Dr. Dobson' counterdicts himself to much!

I'm NOT going to say the man doesn't have some good things to speak about. I do believe that all people do have some good nuggets of wisdom within them. I just wanted to be clear on that point.

I wrote a post in the past about his book: Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis in which he gave some very dangerous advice when dealing with domestic abuse with marriage. I called the article, Dobson's Advice that could get women killed!

In that article Dobson basically told others:

He believes the best approach is to force a crisis that confronts the problem head-on. Only then can it be treated and resolved. When you and your husband are both in a good mood, let him know that you have something important to discuss. Tell him that you love him very much, but that you are not going to allow him to abuse you any more. Tell him that you want him to get counseling for his anger problem immediately, and that unless he agrees, you are going to need to separate from him for a while. Given his past behavior, it's likely that he will beg for your forgiveness and promise that he will never harm you again. As much as you may be tempted to believe him, don't. Set a deadline for him to start counseling and stick to your guns. You also need to have a safety plan in place in the event that your husband responds negatively to this news.

First off I firmly believe ANGER isn't the root of the issues. There is a difference between anger issues, and abuse issues. We are clearly speaking of abuse issues, and so he missed the mark right off the bat. When someone abuses others that are close to them they are clearly broken, and you are basically dealing with someone that doesn't have a rational mindset.

Anger management could show them how to tone down their anger, but it will not remove the abuse from happening. The abuse is the core issue, and with anger management it isn't addressed. Their irrational mindset, and sense of entitlement isn't going to go away with anger management. They will find more covert ways of doing it. Does that solve the issues? Hardly.

His advice also doesn't help setup A Safe Haven that he speaks about in the article I linked to.

If children cannot feel safe when at home, how will the world outside seem to them? Yet many homes today have become battlefields where parents fight endlessly and children become the innocent casualties caught in the crossfire.

While his children were arguing one day, Dr Dobson pointed out to them: “Look out at that world. It can be a dangerous place. There are people out there who will make fun of you, or hurt you, or take your money. There must be a safe place where we care for one another and help each other. And that safe place is right here at home.”

Indeed, home should be a safe haven and happy environment for children to grow up in. It should be a place of encouragement, unity, love and forgiveness. This minimises if not eliminates the risk of children, particularly teenagers, choosing to hang out in malls just to get away from the troubles of home. If children feel loved and happy within the home, they may prefer spending time with family members rather than outside doing unhealthy activities.

That said, we cannot keep our children at home always. But we can educate them to recognise and avoid bad friends who are potentially negative influences. Peer pressure in today’s society is very real to both adults and children.

I see nothing WRONG with this advice on the surface. If you combine that with his dangerous advice he gives to those that live with domestic violence - which basically ignores the true issues - no wonder people get frustrated when things just don't turn out as Dobson wishes they would.

In his book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis instead of truly addressing the issue he spends more time speaking about how a women can push her man to far, and would much rather be hit so she can show her badge of honor (black eye in his example) so she can get the sympathy she was after. I guess since he spent more time on this example then what he was suppose to be addressing you can tell 1) he clearly doesn't have a clue about domestic abuse, and 2) he doesn't know how to show others how they can reach that 'safe haven' he believes children need to thrive.

He would much rather blame the 'battlefields' instead of solving the issues.

We need parents who are bold enough to say to other parents: “Please tell me if my child is misbehaving.” No one has perfect children, and while they are at a mouldable age, we should do all we can to teach our children good behaviour.

In our urban society, there is little sense of neighbourliness and people are often apathetic to the safety of others. But wouldn’t it benefit parents to know that there are other responsible adults looking out for their children when they are not around? We can all play a part in reaching out to our neighbours to help and protect one another.

In these two paragraphs he wishes that parents would encourage other parents to tell them when their children are misbehaving, instead of getting defensive because they are critizing their children.

When will Dobson allow spouses that are being abused to do the same thing, and receive compassion and understanding? With his website he did change the troubling advice towards domestic abuse, but still insisted the book was fine. That to me in a counterdiction. The book itself - even after a couple of revisions - still pushes his very dangerous advice. Advice that could get people killed.

When is Dobson going to truly bring the evil of domestic violence out into the open, and beam that bright light of truth on it? His safe haven article is fine on the surface for alot of families, but if he can't realize that victims of domestic violence aren't the ones that should be addressing abuse within the home with the pert of the violence his safe haven advice is mute. The victims aren't safe with this person, and accountability and addressing this needs to be done with others because of the safety issues. Children can have that safe haven - at least most of the time - if the church would step up and realize their advice in some areas lack common sense, and how they lack education within some very dangerous areas.

Until that happens 'safe havens' are just a dream that may never be realized by thousands of children.

This was one of the first books I read that truly opened my eyes on the dynamics of domestic voilence within homes.



Lundy Bancroft followed that book up with:



I also read:



Which I have to admit was very hard for me to read at first. I didn't want to admit I found that label I was looking for. I tried for a long time to make me believe it HAD to be something else.



Is her newest book. I haven't read it myself, but I know others that have and found it very helpful.

On the faith side:

'Kelly Clarkson - Because of You'

'Kelly Clarkson - Because of You'

Video about a child - and effects of abuse. Its not faith based, but you can see how things effected her into her adulthood. How she made the choice not to continue the cycle.

'Kelly Clarkson - Because of You Video' I found on a site out of the country, and I also included a link the 'Kelly Clarkson - Because of you on You Tube' right below the embeded video!

I have also included 'Kelly Clarkson - Because of You Lyric's right below the video links!

To me this is a very powerful song!





Because of You - On You Tube

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Kelly Clarkson Because Lyrics, Kelly Clarkson Because of You Lyric, Kelly Clarkson Because of You Video, Kelly Clarkson Because Of You, Domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, emotional abuse of a child, emotional abuse parent, emotional abuse within a marriage, emotional abusive, protection from abuse, Suffering, Violence against Women, verbal abuse, Wife abuse,

Controlling Behavior

This article is about controlling behavior, and a person that needs to be in control. The tone of the article is more sarcasm than serious. I don't think the author literally wants to 'control' you. I think it is part of his points. Controlling behavior is one of the main characteristics of domestic violence or domestic abuse.

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'CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR'

Public Enemy Number One

By
Kurt R. Howland

INTRODUCTION

Welcome! I hope you've found yourself a comfortable spot to read this little paper on controlling behavior. If not please do so.... go on I've got all the time in the world. Good and comfortable? I hope so, because after reading this you may not be feeling so comfortable. Now myself! I’m very comfortable, but I’m the one that’s writing. I’m the one who’s in control. That’s right I’m the guy that’s going to be telling you what’s right, and how you should be thinking. How do you like that? Well, I guess it really doesn't matter does it? I mean, you can’t do anything about it, this paper is already written, it’s finished, you don’t have anything to say about it. You see I’M IN CONTROL, and you’re helpless to change it.

Now you could stop reading, but that wouldn't change anything. You’re curious now, you need to see what this is all about. Boy! I love being in control. The power, the feeling of being better, almost God like. Do you know what I mean? But of course you do! You've felt it before, at work, with your kids, maybe your spouse. I know you've controlled someone during your lifetime. Yep, someone's felt helpless under your rule, just like you’re helpless now.

Hey! Let’s talk about that. How does it feel to be under control and not in control? Inferior isn't it, maybe a little hopeless to. How about oppressing? Whatever it is you're feeling, I bet it’s not good. So as you've probably guessed by now, what we’re going to talk about in this paper, is why we do it, how we do it, and how to stop using controlling behavior. So let’s begin. (Oh! And that’s just a suggestion not an order.)

WHY?

Where Does The Need Come From.

There are many reasons and sources for this behavior, but generally it starts very early in life, and comes about from the way we are raised. Everyone is in control of us. Now for the most part, this is for our own good. The problem lies in the way it is explained to us in our childhood, and if we really understand that the authority figures in our lives are acting out of love and caring. Another problem here is that these figures many times aren't acting out of love and caring, but are just finishing the cycle that they have been taught to complete. Many times the child gets answers like, “because I said so” or “just do what you're told” and “who pays the bills around here anyway” and of course “don’t you talk back to me.”

Now what my source of truth for this paper says about this, is this, Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, provoke not your children [to anger], lest they be discouraged.” Children and adults need answers that encourage not discourage them. We crave explanations, our curious nature needs to know.

Our next lesson comes from the school “Bully“, now everyone has run into one of these characters. They seem to have already graduated from the ”College of Controlling Behavior”, and they’re only nine years old. Anyway... you know how it goes, give me your lunch money or else!!! In retrospect we can laugh at those kind of experiences, but the feeling of helplessness never goes away. Many of us vow never to let that happen to us again. Never to be out of control as long as you live. (Let me give you a little advice here, ”Forgive” it works miracles.) The point is this, before we even get out of grade school we are being bombarded with signals that lead us to think controlling behavior is normal behavior. Hey, maybe it is! It does seem that without God’s intervention in the matter, we all take that turn to some degree. Without that wisdom from above we all seem to get lost in the ways of the world. But I digress, so let’s move on.

We know by now that we want to be in control. So we grow up, and go to work. What a let down..now we've got some sniveling little wet behind the ears, fresh out of college assistant manager breathing down our back. (“God, just shoot me now and get it over with.”) Ya get the picture, and it doesn't get any better. The more we move ahead, the further we get behind. There’s always someone in front of us, someone cracking the whip, steering the cart, in other words controlling us.

So what do we do as the intelligent adults that we are. Easy, we take it out on the ones we love!!! I bet you wish you hadn't started reading this, Huh! Can’t stop, Ha, Ha, Ha, I love it. We can be so stupid sometimes, that to be in control we will inflict the same type of control that we hate, upon our family. Whatever it takes to ease our discomfort, that is what we will do. Now many times we will try to get to the top of the heap in our job, and be the controlling force there, but even if we do, there are usually casualties on the home front anyway. And once controlling behavior has infiltrated the home it’s very hard to let go of. Even when one feels remorse for using control on a loved one, It’s still hard to quit because most of the time we feel there is more discomfort and pain, by not being in control.

I want to give you something to think about right now. It is the base, the ground floor to resolving this problem. Ephesians 5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” We are going to talk more about this, but for now just think about the equality that this scripture is telling us about.

Another reason for controlling behavior can be a lack of an authority figure in our life, or the loss of one. This type of situation can bring out the need to become a strong “In control” kind of person. Let’s face it if you have two or three kids, and you’re the only one they can depend on, you take control. Later when someone else enters into a relationship with you, you may not want to give up control as easily as your new partner may want you to. There’s a safe feeling being in control. You think about what might happen if this partner leaves, or dies, or whatever. So you fight it, you try to stay in control never quite submitting yourself to one another.

HOW & WHO

How Do We Control, and Who Does The Controlling

I may make a few enemies in what is to follow, but I wasn't mister popularity to begin with, so here we go. The way we control ranges from the very subtle to blatant outbursts of physical violence. Here are some of the ways we control, but in no way is this list complete. We come up with new ones all the time.

EMOTIONAL • ECONOMIC • DOMINATION • INTIMIDATION • VERBAL • PHYSICAL • SEXUAL

• ISOLATION •

Control normally starts at emotional and verbal levels. It also follows a pattern of escalation. As this pattern or cycle progresses, the one who is doing the controlling... No, the equality of the battle for control, changes.

You see at it’s base or in the beginning, the battle for control is quite equal, and either sex has just as good a chance at coming out the winner. My reasoning here is that women can be just as emotionally and verbally, controlling and abusive as men. In fact many times they are much better at it than us. As men we don’t want to think so, but I’m sorry guy’s, it’s true, women ain’t stupid.

Now taking this into consideration we must also realize that this area of controlling behavior can be just as much the woman's impropriety as the mans. This statement is not to place blame on either party, but to let it be known the Sin that both are capable of.

Remember we mentioned a winner earlier, well that’s another problem with control. Unlike equality, with control there always has to be a winner. This is why we see the cycle of escalation in controlling behavior. If the man can’t gain control through emotional or verbal means, he will move on to the next playing field. This may be economic control, or intimidation, whatever it is, you can bet the odds will be stacked a little more in his favor. Along with this move we generally see anger increase.

Please make a mental note here not to get the two confused. Controlling behavior and anger can very easily be mistaken for each other. Many times people will become so good at concealing their controlling behavior that we just think they’re angry. When they’re really mad because they feel they are not manipulating you enough, or losing control of you. It can become a very fine line, and sometimes almost impossible to discern between the two.

As I was saying when the move from emotional and verbal control is made the equality of the battle moves into the males court. It’s not hard to understand, and there’s no complicated formula. The fact is the male of the species is generally bigger, stronger, and more aggressive. Another fact about the male is he usually doesn't play fair. If he did he wouldn't move out of a playing field where everything is fair and equal to where he is physically superior.

This escalation of the battle for control will continue all the way to physical violence if the female or weaker subject resists. This is why what our society calls domestic violence is so hard to get a handle on. We really don’t know what the statistics are because much of the abuse (which most of the time is controlling behavior) never gets to the physical stage. There are many more abusive relationships, that stay at the emotional and verbal stages and never get reported. Even the ones that go on to isolation and intimidation are rarely reported to anyone for intervention.

This can be the worse kind of control, and the worse kind of abuse. It’s kind of a limbo, a life of living under threats, name calling, blaming, ridicule, mind games, jealousy, sarcasm, isolation, and whatever else one partner can think of to keep the other under control. This is where we also see the most equality in the battle for control. You may have seen it in a neighbor, or a relative. You know, one week your mother-in-law isn't talking to your father-in-law. The next week it’s the other way around. The following month they’re threatening to leave each other. At their anniversary party they manage to publicly humiliate each other in front of all their friends and family. All of this over control, and because with control, you must have a winner.

At this stage both parties need to look at why they are doing what they are doing. Again this is not to blame anyone, but to get both parties to understand how they should be treating each other. The truth is this, Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” And 1 Corinthians 7:3 “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.” Here we see equality in a relationship, this is the way we are to treat one another.

When we go beyond and do physical harm, we get to the areas of control where the weaker partner doesn't have a chance. Here we are crossing a boundary that God has defined. When this happens the male has over stepped his bounds and needs to be held accountable for this trespass. Again the truth is, Ephesians 5:28 “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”

At this point there is no blaming the female partner, because no matter what she did, or said, it does not give you the right to use physical violence on any human being. In fact you have a responsibility given by God to deal with these kinds of situations. You as the head of the household are to use your God given wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to show your family how they are to act, and how they are to communicate in a Godly manner. The truth states it like this;

Ephesians 5:22-33, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife [see] that she reverence [her] husband. “

As you can see you are to treat your wife with the same love that Jesus gave the church. Even as far as he did in giving his life for us, you should be ready to do the same for your wife and partner. You are the teacher not the jailer. Here we see more of the equality that I told you to think about before. Submitting to one another with love, kindness, and caring. When we submit like this we put ourselves at a very equal, but vulnerable position. But if all parties can do this, you wind up with a very open relationship that follows Gods will.

If we adopt this doctrine, we are able to hear our partners opinion without becoming angry because it doesn't agree with ours. Verbal control turns into family discussions. Discussions that allow all parties to express their feelings, and let out their frustrations about a certain subject. The escalation of control stops because no one is looking to be the winner. The violence stops also when the male understands it is an ungodly type of behavior, and the cowards way out. The male, at this point will search out knowledge of how to handle different situations, so he is able to teach his family. Here again is an area where all parties involved in the relationship are responsible for their behavior. Why? Because we are operating at an emotional and verbal level where all those involved are equally capable.

STOPPING

How Do You Stop Controlling Behavior

Well it’s not easy! But it can be done if you really want to change, and learn a new way of behaving. As we went over before most of us have been learning about controlling behavior for a long time. Our society has been basically telling us that it is normal behavior. The big American message has been be strong, get what you want, be in control. The biggest problem here is the source of this information. It’s coming from the secular world, but we know that the truth is, 1 Corinthians 1:25 “Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.” That’s right we can screw things up pretty good when we try to do it on our own.

To make the change takes a strong commitment to become better. What most of us don’t understand also is that it is a long term commitment. You don’t change years and years of habit overnight. And once you have changed your behavior to more what God has intended it to be, you have to maintain it. Proverbs 4:7 “Wisdom [is] the principal thing; [therefore] get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.”

Wisdom and understanding are two of the most important things in life. You need to get out of the secular way of thinking that learning stops when you get out of school. It should be just beginning, and it should never stop. Face facts, the things around you don’t stop changing, and things don’t get easier. Technology changes, people change, attitudes change, the whole world changes. If you don’t keep up, if you don’t have an understanding of things and people around you, you become frustrated and angry.

How do you cope with all this? By understanding there is one thing that never changes, and that is the truth. If something is true it’s always true. It may not be popular, but it’s still true. So we need a source of truth that we can go to. A source that we can study, and become expert in. A source that throughout our entire life we can depend on to solve, and guide us through the trials we may face during our lifetime. Here is that source, John 14:6 “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.”

As a person using controlling behavior it may be very hard to surrender control to Jesus, but believe me from personal experience, it’s much easier than surrendering to the police when you find you have over stepped your boundaries. And that’s the next thing I would like to talk about, so on with the show.

You need to understand that everything has a starting point. You also need to understand that the starting point of Domestic Violence and Physical Abuse is Controlling Behavior. We have such a large problem in the world today because most people don’t understand that simple little fact, or they just don’t want to admit it. What is happening is this, controlling behavior is being ignored in our society today. Only when it reaches the physical stage is the problem being dealt with. The sad part about that is, much of the time it’s to late. Not only to late to resurrect the relationship, but many times to late to save a life. It’s a serious problem that is destroying our families, and that we are afraid to look at. We seem to find it easier to deny the real root of our problems today. We are all looking for answers in new Pop - Psychology, and from men with great theories. Remember what I said, the truth is always the truth. Well, the truth is we want to do it on our own, we want to be in control. We can’t believe that it could be so simple, that God could have had it figured out all this time. We just can’t fathom that he could have done it without us. Well he did, and he had it all written down for us in a nice neat little book. All we have to do is surrender to it, give up control for once, and trust in him to know what is best for us. Because again the truth tells us, Romans 7:18-20, “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” (NIV) No matter how hard we try we can’t do it on our own.

SUMMARY

So Much To Say, So Little Time

I never thought of it this way, but I guess a good rule of thumb might be this. If you can’t stay, and play on the field of equality, you are most likely overstepping your bounds and probably disrespecting the rights of another human being.

You men out there reading this, listen up!!! You have the God given authority to be the head of your wife, and the head of the household. With this comes a great responsibility. Because of this you need to know how to fulfill your obligation to this position in a Godly manner. When you don’t do this, you give up the authority that God has given you. The consequences that come from this, are your own. It is not your wife's fault, it is not your girlfriends fault, it is not your child's fault, it is not your bosses fault, and it is not Gods fault. It is your fault!!! WAKE UP!!!

Before I go let’s take a quick look at some differences in behavior and relationships.

'CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR'

Jealousy, Mind games, Put downs, Withhold money, Denying work freedom,

Limiting friends, Limiting travel, Making all decisions

EQUALITY

Trust, Honesty, Understands feelings, Sharing finances, Freedom to work,

Respects partners needs, Shared responsibility

Deny no longer the things that are true, for they will always be true, your denial will only ensure the sealing of your fate. Matthew 10:33 “But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.”

Well, my time is up, and I must relinquish control, I just hope you can do the same. God Bless!

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It was a bit of different style of writing, and felt it had some good points on controlling behavior. What did you think?




controlling behavior, Domestic abuse, domestic violence, Domestic Violence and the church, emotional abuse, emotional abuse of a child, emotional abuse parent, emotional abuse within a marriage, emotional abusive, Prayer for the Abused, Violence against Women, need for control,