Domestic Violence: A New Tool To Help

There are times in which its hard to prove domestic violence.  Victims have a hard time standing for themselves for a number of reasons.    I have heard today about a potential tool that could help all involved.  Its called a ALS or Alternative Light Source machine.  There are different ALS machines for different purposes.

 

Strangulation is one aspect of domestic violence that has been hard to prove, because it doesn’t always leave marks.  Waneta Dawn sent me a link on a News Story from USA Today. 

 

States cracking down on strangulation attempts

 

 

 

Attempted strangulation cases have long vexed police and prosecutors seeking stiff penalties for attacks. The act can leave victims close to death, but unlike blows that produce a black eye or broken nose, it generally leaves few, if any, external signs of injury needed to prove a felony assault charge. An attempted murder charge is also hard to sustain in cases where suspects intend to frighten rather than kill. As a result, advocates say, suffocation cases have historically been handled as misdemeanors that don't reflect the act's severity or carry meaningful punishment.

Debra Holbrook of Mercy Medical Center is in the above video, and she speaks about using Alternative Light Source for documented proof of strangulation.   Alternative Light Source is also known as “ALS”.  It has been used in the past for sexual abuse, sexual assault, or rape.  The process reminds me of Luminol.  Instead of the blooding glowing – the popular known use of luminol that you may be familiar with – marks from the strangulation can be seen.  Alternative Light Source or “ALS” you don’t need the chemicals like you do with Luminol.

 

This process takes the ‘he said she said’ option off the table.  It can be done at the crime scene or in the hospital.

 

William Umansky, a Defensive attorney was noted in the USA article to say:

he thought his state's law was flawed because it allows for felony prosecution without objective proof of a victim's injury. He said it gave prosecutors too much leverage to secure guilty pleas.

"Domestic violence is always bad, but the way I see it commonly prosecuted, there's no ligature marks on the woman's throat, no evidence of bruising. Just the verbal allegation, and all of a sudden, there's a felony charge," Umansky said.

The process of Alternative Light Source, or ALS does tend to take ‘doubt’ out of the equation.  As noted in the video Debra Holbrook states bruising is not needed, because the process shows the perpetrators hands on the throat – “they light up like a Christmas Tree!”  This can even happen days later when victims come to the hospital complaining of a sore throat.

 

This has to be a huge validation for the men, women and children that fall victim to strangulation.  This is a new technology designed to detect hard-to-see injuries and has been successfully used to prosecute domestic violence suspects.  ALS or Alternative Light Source is used to detect bruises hidden under a victim's skin.  Forensic Nurse Debra Holbrook states, "you can actually see hand marks, fingerprint marks, on somebody's throat."  Marked Woman is an article in which she goes into detail. 

Holbrook also stresses that women can come to Mercy even if they are not ready to involve the police. In Maryland, healthcare workers are not required to report domestic abuse cases to the authorities. "We're here to help," Holbrook says. "We will collect their evidence. We will take the pictures. Everything we do goes in a locked file, their insurance company won't know, their significant other won't know, their private doctor won't know. It's confidential and when they're ready to report, we can bring all these cases forward and can use them all to help them."

Keep in mind every state or country may be different as far as reporting domestic violence.

This is new technology, and I’m sure not all areas have this to use.  Hopefully, with time it will be more readily available.

 

Get in touch with your hospitals, and local domestic violence agencies to make sure they are aware of Alternative Light Source. 

 

New Use of Technology Shines Light on Strangulation is an article about ALS or Alternative Light Source.

 

Debra Holbrook

 

Power and Control has other medical videos, and is the source of the one I used in today’s video above.

Strangulation is the topic of today, but the same principal could be used for other parts of the body that bruising hasn’t surfaced.

This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women

Look we exposed a new oppressive layer!

I had been reading some reviews about a book called, 'Half the Sky:  Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women'.

Christianity Today has a quote that I see as universal in some aspects, but when it comes to our culture it gets blown off.

While women do suffer at the hands of men, the authors point out that it is women who abort their female fetuses, who cut the genitals of their daughters, who favor their sons over their daughters for education and medical treatment, and who often abuse their daughters-in-law. "In short, women themselves absorb and transmit misogynistic values, just as men do. This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women, but a messier realm of oppressive social customs adhered to by men and women alike."

All over the world we have social customs, and belief systems that can be oppressive.  It's never a tidy world, but often looks like the layers of an onion.

Once you deal with the top layer, and peel it away?  You normally have different issues to deal with underneath.

Domestic Violence Registry Proposed in Texas

The State of Texas is talking about putting together a domestic violence registry for those individuals that have been convicted of domestic violence 3 or more times.



If you can't see the video click here

Roy Rios from Lubbock’s Women's Protective Services supports House Bill 100. Under the legislation, it would take three convictions for a person to be entered into the registry.

"Having your information out there on this level is always intimidating, but I think as far as what this really stands for, making sure people are accountable when they are convicted of family violence, I think it has more pros then it does cons,” said Rios.

Rios believes that by making this information public, it will add to public safety and help deter people from getting into violent relationships. Defense attorney Rod Hobson believes otherwise.

"The idea is I guess you're not going to date the person if they've been convicted three times of something that's in a centralized database. Some people might not want to date somebody if they've been convicted once. Some people might not care. Why is the state of Texas getting involved in a situation to this extent," Hobson said.

Hobson said domestic violence convictions are already a matter of public record and asks who is going to pay for it.

There are concerns on both sides, which would include how this could stop offenders from gaining employment. Another reason they brought up was having their name posted online forever even after they had been rehabilitated.

I would have to wonder what they would consider 'rehabilitated' personally. Men and women that graduate from the domestic violence classes that are court ordered after three convictions?

The Passing of Danni Moss - Because It Matters

Its with a heavy heart, and deep sadness that I wanted to inform everyone of the passing of Danni Moss.  She had been struggling her illness (recurring cancer) for sometime, and finally passed away yesterday.

I had been out of commission for a host of reasons recently, but felt drawn to post of the loss of Danni.

Because it Matters was her blog, and her writing style and viewpoints will be greatly missed.  The link I supplied is part of her story of attempting to grasp how to deal with domestic violence within the church, and how the church in her circumstance - along with many others - just didn't know what to do about it.

I was surprised to find that my pastors would not stand against the abuse in my marriage, even when they knew I was telling the truth about it.  The first time I left Gary, my pastors (SBC church) were shocked at my accusation of abuse.  They did not believe me.
 
I later learned that apparently a huge percentage of women who leave their husbands claim abuse as the reason.  Abuse is a nice hot-button word that, at one time perhaps, engendered automatic horror and sympathy.  Now (and perhaps always, I don’t know) there is so much concern that accusations might be false pastors “err on the side of caution” and are more likely to disbelieve an accusation of abuse than to take it seriously.

The church provided counseling from an elder who was also a professional certified counselor.  In our first session, which was when I told Gary I was leaving him (he didn’t know before then because I was afraid of him) the counselor got to see his anger.

However, Gary’s facade never completely cracked in public in 20 years of marriage.  Only one time did he ever reveal his rage to someone outside his own family (wife and children) and that was to his sister.  But to her it was a one-off anomaly.  For us it was a way of life.  When I tried to tell counselors about his anger they discounted it, thinking I meant “anger” in the way we all sometimes get angry.  By anger I meant uncontrolled rage.  But if I used the word “rage” with counselors they just heard “anger” and discounted it.

Danni speaks of the roadblocks that are placed in front of the victim of domestic violence.  She speaks on how they err on the side of caution, and when you speak of the uncontrolled rage how they discount it.

Properly trained counselors do know how to go about seeking truth compared to falsehood.  I do believe that since the church has a motive of keeping marriages together at all costs they ignore parts of that training.  I have to wonder at times if some of them get trained in that area at all.

I have seen and read numerous calls for help, and how people speak of this uncontrolled rage - and it was also ignored and discounted.  Most of the time people are told to concentrate on their sin, and then try to find that sin to focus on to get the point across.

So many times I have seen online people being told they have to do this because their spouse isn't there to give the other side to the story, and yet in Danni's case the same treatment was given when that other side was clear to everyone.  He was there and showed his true colors up close and personal.

This counselor knew these things were happening in our home; I told him everything.  He said he believed me.  In hindsight though, as a licensed counselor, he either did not believe me or he deliberately chose to violate the law because he did not report it to the authorities.  I didn’t know then that he was legally required to report abuse if he was told about it.

But his attitude was the same as I found from every other Christian counselor (except the one who did report my husband).  Saving the marriage was their only consideration.  This first church counselor told me that I had no grounds for a divorce, period.  I started proceedings toward divorce because, while he was crying on everyone’s shoulders in public, in private Gary was threatening to charge me with child abuse, to take the children and run out of state, to cut me off financially, etc.  I consulted with several professionals and they told me my only protection was to get a divorce.

When the church places 'grounds for divorce' ahead of personal safety I have to wonder if they have totally lost their prospective that Jesus would have them see.   When legally you are told that the only way you can protect yourself and your child/children is divorce to escape domestic violence why does the church see 'saving the marriage' as their only consideration.

Laws are different all over the place, and yes at times your only protection is filing.  You are placed between a rock and a hard place when you throw your faith into this reality.  The church will claim you don't have forgiveness in your heart, and your hard heart is the real issue.  The true reason for these actions are completely ignored, because they see no biblical reason for the divorce. 

When you are told that God stands for truth, mercy, grace, love, etc. ? When you are told how and why Jesus died on the cross for us?  It boggles the mind of everyone 'outside the church' and YES some of us 'inside' that people use legalism instead of plain common sense.  You don't tell people to stay in harms way when they ask for help, and yet this is what is encouraged.

The church doesn't help the family, nor the abuser in this instance.  You have to wonder WHY they feel justified?!

However, I told the counselor and my pastors that I would stop the divorce if Gary gave any indication of repentance.  The pastors and counselor promised they would keep that qualification a secret.  After winning me back with an amazing repentance performance (that I didn’t realize until years later was all private – he never acknowedged publically that he had done anything wrong) Gary slipped and told me one of the pastors had told him I would drop the divorce if he repented.  Still later, he denied it.  But how would he have even come up with such a statement in the first place if the pastor hadn’t told him?


In this first separation, the church denied the reality of the abuse in my home, failed to report the abuse allegations to the authorities, and betrayed my confidence to Gary, enabling him to manipulate me back into the marriage with their support and blessing.

This is another factor I see all to often.  The 'means to the end' to keep that family together.

They don't wish to deal with the sin directly, but manipulate factors to accomplish their goal.  Is it any wonder why the divorce rates are the same as the world's?  The church will blame the parties within the marriage, and yet ignore their own portion of it.

Its like a weed in your yard.  You can see the weed, and pull out the surface along the grass line.  As you know unless you find the root to remove - the weed will grow back.  I hear all to often about the parties 'lack of faith', or 'belief in truth'.  Why they can't acknowledge their 'means to the end' shows just that is beyond me!

The second time I separated from Gary the pastors of my church (the same church) did believe me.  I had started telling them things were slipping back into old patterns within a couple years of our previous separation.  By “old patterns” I was talking about the physical violence.  It wasn’t until about the time I left him for the final time that I acknowledged the verbal abuse was just as serious a problem.

Four years after our first separation, I took our oldest son, J, to a Christian counselor recommended by a pastor friend (who later became our pastor).  My goal was for us to learn how not to push Gary’s buttons and cause his anger and violence – I still didn’t understand that Gary was responsible for his own anger and rage choices.

When I told the counselor what was happening, culminating in Gary punching J in the stomach in front of neighbor children when I was away from home, she told me she would talk to J to see what he said, but if he said the same thing I had, she was required by law to report Gary to the authorities.  And she did.

Even though my pastors believed me the second time, I was clearly told they would do nothing.  Well, to be specific, the senior pastor called me into his office for a meeting.  He told me that he believed it could be that I had no choice but to get a divorce (which I was not pursuing at that time) if Gary did not repent of his abuse.  But at the same time he told me not to tell anyone he had said so – which I correctly interpreted to mean he wasn’t going to say so in public or make any move to stand up for us.

Keeping up appearances, and making a half hearted attempt to deal with reality is yet another roadblock.

Dealing with abuse of any kind is ugly, and there are never any good answers.

The church will acknowledge the the spouse can't change the other spouse, but the follow up in how to deal with that reality is sorely lacking.  Pray for a miracle, and just do your part is normally the pat answer.  You are then set a drift to do this on your own.  Some things are just to dirty to deal with for the church, and they wonder WHY people feel betrayed?!

They guilt trip the party that is clearly asking for help, and yet never confront and deal with the abusive party.  You are told to come and ask for help when you need it, and yet you are handed basically nothing.  Acknowledgment, Validation, and even someone saying 'I don't know how to help you' would go a long way, and yet that would go against the appearance they need to give. You are asked to walk on eggshells around this person, and somewhat told they 'know its wrong' without truly STATING it like they need to.

Gary did not want us to have anything to do with the counselor who reported him to the authorities, telling me our former counselor discredited her (I never heard it directly from the source but I believed him at the time).  I didn’t trust the counselor from our church that we had previously, based on what had come out of that experience.

A close friend and mentor offered to provide counseling.  She was not a Baptist (which was a positive factor to me by that time) and I had seen God use her, so I trusted her.  She was not a professional counselor but had majored in counseling in some capacity in school.

However, she did not believe I should have separated from Gary.  In her theology that was never acceptable since it was “putting asunder” what God had joined.  This was lack of godly submission on my part.  In our 4-5 sessions she focused on me during all but one.  She never believed me about the abuse or violence.  And after just a few sessions she told me “God said” it was time for us to get back together.

Nothing had been addressed.  Gary never had to acknowledge what he had done and he definitely came out of that separation believing he had been vindicated.  My heart shattered in a million pieces.  But I obeyed her because that’s what I’d always been taught to do. 

Enabling is yet another tool in the chest to keep the marriage together at all costs.

The authorities and church will acknowledge that abuse is happening, and yet you don't 'put asunder' what God has joined.  Don't deal with the sin, and ask the victims to 'submit more'.  When a broken person doesn't have to admit their actions?  When nothing is dealt with?  Where is the incentive for the sinful behaviors to stop?  Where is his incentive to become the man that God would wish him to be?  Where is the support the whole family needs during this trial that the church claims THEY will be there for?

Due to the fact Danni 'obeyed' as she had been taught?  To the church it shows the 'lie' they assumed was there.  It wasn't that bad.  No one sees how victims get nailed if they leave (sin), or if they stay when told they must (SEE it wasn't that bad afterall!).

Gary convinced the social worker that I had taught J to be rebellious.  He convinced the social worker and everyone else who would listen that J was so violent and rebellious that he (Gary) was only defending himself and standing up for his honor when he hit his son on a very regular basis.  No one would listen to me when I tried to tell them J was responding back to his father in exactly the same tone of voice, profanity, and attitude that his father used toward him.  The people in Gary’s required anger management course told him if their son back-talked them they’d hit him, too.

For the remainder of our marriage, Gary believed it was his right to hit back “in self defense, to stand up for himself as a man”, physically or verbally, every time he could egg one of the boys into a fight. And he was usually the one doing the “egging” – he just didn’t swing first, so he could say he never “started it.”

This incident cemented J’s hardness toward God because the church and the system that was supposed to protect him, blamed him.  He knew from then on, his father would always be believed and he would be the “bad guy.”  It happened over and over.  My health broke down due to the stress at this point.

The church also forgets about the children.

I don't know how many times articles about how children are better off with 'two' parents are placed out there to encourage you not to divorce or separate.  They stress the damage you are going to do to the children.

Abusers don't just target their spouses.  The abusive behaviors they refuse to acknowledge within the homes, and the pressure to 'keep together' are damaging the children.  Children don't even have to be direct targets of the abuse for them to be effected, and yet no one will go there.

When children start to break under the pressure of the abusive environment once again the abuser gets off.

People tend to take the path of less resistance.  Its easier to blame the parent and children than it is the abuser directly.  Who is more likely to 'bow' to their pressure?  The frighten people or the abuser they know will ignore them?

I wanted to believe that this time the reconciliation would be different.  I desperately wanted it to be OK.  If more submission was the problem then that’s what I wanted to do.  But I couldn’t understand why his abuse and violence were always excuseable.  Why was his anger always excuseable but no one else was allowed to have any emotions other than delight in his every thought or expression – even the nastiest ones?

After our second separation, we ended up changing churches for reasons unrelated to our marital issues.  We went back to a church we had attended the first couple years of our marriage.  Through one thing and another the pastors of this church were aware of our marital situation through the intervening years.

It didn’t take long before they began to see problems with Gary themselves.  This was surprising to me because no other pastor had ever bothered to pay attention enough to see problems.  They proved for themselves that he was a liar, manipulative and controlling; this had nothing to do with our marriage or family issues.

When Gary’s anger, rage and literal expressions of hatred toward me increased while I was sick after chemo I realized it was never going to end.  This time I didn’t attempt counseling.  I knew what would happen; it had all happened before.  I also felt that God was very specifically leading me to get a divorce - an assertion that has gotten me a lot of flack.  But I’ve been listening to that voice for a long time; I know what it sounds like.  I had also told Gary after the second separation that if he escalated again I would get a divorce.  And that’s what I did.

However, when I told my pastors I was getting a divorce I was surprised to find they were not supportive – even though they knew I was telling the truth.  But one pastor said, while I might need to get a divorce for the safety of myself and my children, I could never remarry since there was no known sexual adultery.  I have no idea whether Gary’s subsequent remarriage would change his opinion about this.  The other pastor said I had no grounds for divorce since there was no known sexual adultery – regardless of the abuse going on in our home. The logic which would allow him to kill me but not have sex with someone else escapes me.

You would think people would grasp that this woman needed help if her husband was even this cruel as she struggled with her chemo treatments, and fought to survive.

Instead of support that was clearly needed to escape a dangerous person?  She receives speeches about how she can't marry again, and how she doesn't have 'grounds' for divorce biblically.  No one stepped up to give her other alternatives, and her and the children were set adrift.  The 'world' sees this type of behavior, and is it any wonder WHY they question things?

The church looks like a bunch of fools (rightfully so), and yet makes excuses that the world hates them and reminds themselves that Jesus told them they would.  They don't grasp that they are not showing the world the values they claim they represent.  When Jesus told his disciples that other people would know that they were His disciples because of their love for one another (John 13:35), He was telling them about the main characteristic of a true Christian.  As in Danni's circumstances and many others that love for one another to me isn't present, and what the world is sensing as well.  Instead of acknowledging this?  Well all we have to do is read more of her story....

I was very hurt by this, even though I understood why they said the things they did and they weren’t ugly or mean about it.  What pastors (speaking in general of all the pastors I had) don’t realize is that when they don’t stand up for abuse victims, by default they stand up for the abuser.  The victim needs the protection of the church leadership at least standing up to say, “this person is getting a divorce with cause.  We know about it, we know the details, and we agree the cause is valid.”

Even if they don’t give details, taking a stand for abuse victims when asked keeps the abuser from poisoning people against the victim — which will happen, guaranteed.  It happened with me and really hurt that Gary went around telling people a variety of lies about me and muddied the water.  I still do not feel completely comfortable in that church because I know there are people there who see me the way Gary painted me, even without realizing it.

I realize that churches at times don't see this part, and at times like alot of the dynamics they don't wish to see.  They to often sprinkle spiritual pixie dust around, and hope it just goes away.

When it doesn't and the marriage fails we see the bolded portion of what she quoted on her facebook page.

I'm a 40-something single mom starting over after 20 years of marriage. I'm loving learning to be myself; life is so interesting and fun! I'm an information sponge and endlessly curious about everything, so school suits me to the core.

I've been in school the past couple years, pursuing a degree in psychology. This was mostly a second choice, since I had basically faced the reality that I was not going to be acceptable in church - and my passion is to bring healing to hurting Christians.

However, over the past year I have gradually come to realize that I don't have to settle for second choice. I have finally found a church home where I can have a place and be fully accepted. I have also found a Bible college whose theology I can agree with where I can train for full-time ministry. So I am trusting for provision to be able to go that direction.

It seems to me at times if you can't go along with the program, and use denial - pretend things are like this - etc. you are treated like the leper in church.  It amazes me how the church will step up and out for causes such as abortion, homosexuality, etc because they feel they are called to do so.  When it comes to the dynamics that tear apart families apart they remain silent if truly look at what they have to offer.


That is the part that I felt betrayed by the most.  When you have tragic circumstances in your life, and you find their formula isn't addressing your safety concerns?  The grace Christians claim they give because Jesus called them to isn't present.  Some people get mad at God, but its not God that did this.  God would not allow people like Danni to feel unacceptable in his eyes - humankind is the one to blame for that.  They just use God as their excuse.

Danni I feel Jesus was speaking of you when he said:

"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you.  If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you."  (John 15:18-19)

Jesus chose you, and you are now finally out of pain.  You will be missed!

So why will pastors not take a stand for the abused within their churches?

One, they don’t want to make a mistake in taking sides.  If an abuser denies the allegation of abuse, they are afraid not to believe him (or her).  However, from the first separation I begged my pastors to follow the Mt. 18 pattern for church discipline.  But they wouldn’t do it and follow through to the final step of withdrawing fellowship.  The problem with this is, when pastors will not “take sides” they are taking sides.  They are taking the side of evil and leaving the abused abandoned in their abuse.  The hurt of this is overwhelming!

Pastors are also afraid of creating division in the church.  This is the ostrich approach to the issue, I suppose.  Unfortunately, the Bible says that those who sin are to be rebuked publicly so others will see and fear.  The silence of the church on the issue of abuse is contributing to its continued growth because abusers are affirmed in their behavior.  So by saying nothing pastors are “calling evil good” and enabling evil to continue.

The big one though is that pastors don’t want to be guilty of “putting asunder” what God has put together.  They take one statement by God (repeated two or three times in the Bible) out of the context of the whole and elevate it above every other consideration.  As I outlined in my article on the theology of an abusive marriage, the Bible has more to say about the issue of abuse.  Besides the little bit in that article, there is even more Scripture has to say about marriage and abuse as well.  But seminaries and Bible colleges don’t teach the rest of the Word on the subject of marriage.

I suspect when pastors fail to take a stand against abuse in marriages, they are afraid of either making a mistake that would earn them God’s wrath or they are afraid of gaining the disapproval of church members who have the power to ruin their careers. 

Until something changes, abuse will abound in Christian marriages.  The Bible does have an answer for the issue of abuse and that answer isn’t silence and denial.

 I do hope the family decides to keep her blog up for others to read.  She did bring healing to hurting Christians - her passion!

I pray that pastors can humble themselves enough to read some of her story and insights.  I hope they can take the pain she and her children had to deal with, and learn to change how they approach this subject.  Was the heat that she was asked to take justified so the church didn't have to deal with some?

As tears stream down my face I ask for prayers especially for her young daughter that will now have to live with him full time.   Danni's family will be in my prayers, and I hope they will find ways of protecting that young child.  I pray for Gary as well so that he may find healing for himself, and be the man that God wishes him to be.

For me Danni - one hurting Christian you have touched ....Thank YOU!  Your love and passion for God and for the world didn't go unnoticed.  I hope your wisdom in your blog is used in the future so that others don't have to deal with the pain of domestic violence within the church as well.

A quote she enjoyed ... "A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for everyone else." -- heard on a kids show, of all places.  I think that fits her to a tea! 

Stop Wounding Me With Your Mouth

I came across an article in The Herald out of Ohio.

Program targets domestic violence  Women receive advice, support

By Patrick Cooley
Herald Staff Writer

SHARON —

A dozen women watched as images of women, abused and beaten by their husbands and boyfriends, came across a computer screen at the center of New Life Covenant Church in Sharon on Saturday morning.

Many said the images were hard to watch, and a few were brought to tears.

“Looking at those videos, it brought back a lot of memories,” said Laura, a Farrell woman who asked that her last name not be used. “It was hard to watch, but I think it was something that I needed (to watch).”

Laura, who was a victim of an abusive relationship for five years and stays at the ARC House in Farrell, was among those attending “Stop Wounding Me With Your Mouth,” a program that dealt with domestic abuse, specifically how verbal abuse can be hurtful and escalate into physical abuse.

Each of several speakers urged women to remove themselves from abusive relationships and to reach out to the victims to let them know there are resources to help them.

“I need you to be muscular Christians,” said Lizette Olsen, the director of AWARE, a domestic violence advocacy agency.

She said a survey by the Mercer County court system in 2009 showed that more than 4,800 families in the county had been affected by domestic violence.

“You might ask, ‘Why don’t some of these women just leave?’ ” Ms. Olsen said. “For some of them, this is all they’ve ever known.”

She said that many women come from a culture where they are told this is acceptable behavior, and where they are repeatedly told to keep family matters within the family.

“Shame is a powerful motivator,” Ms. Olsen said.

She also spoke about systematic ways women are degraded.

“It’s not just the under-educated,” Ms. Olsen said. “I’ve had women who are doctors, lawyers and pharmacists who don’t know how much money they make because whenever they get money, they have to hand it over to their husbands, because he tells them they’re a woman and too stupid to handle money.

“One of the most empowering things we can do is take them to the bank to start their own checking or savings account,” she said. “Some of the women are shaking because they’re so scared, they think their husband might know they’re there.”

Ms. Olsen said many men will use the threat of violence as a method of control over their spouses and girlfriends.

Another speaker was Malinda Gavins, who is on the board of directors of the Ohio Domestic Violence Network and State Coalition for Domestic Violence Programs.

When you talk to a domestic violence victim they will tell you they heal from (physical wounds) much more easily than the emotional wounds,” she said. “Those are the wounds the courts don’t want to deal with.”

Ms. Gavins said the youngest victim she’s seen was a teenager whose mother sold her into marriage, and the oldest victim she’s seen was an 82-year-old woman.

“She said the first time her husband beat her, she called her mother and her mother said, ‘Welcome to marriage,’ ” Ms. Gavins said.

She said that making degrading statements about women is something that has become commonplace in the culture and especially in genres of music, and urged parents to talk to their children, boys and girls, at an early age.

“They’re already hearing the music,” Ms. Gavins said.

The Rev. Patricia Tatum, pastor of New Life Covenant, said it is part of the church’s mission to reach out to victims of domestic violence. She said the church will be having classes for victims and anyone interested in attending should call 724-494-8735.

Cause of the broken family: Fleeing feet or flying fists?

From time to time I receive a comment about how staying within an abusive environment, and submitting to an abusive man brings healing to a family.

How?

Your chaste behavior towards a person that is beating you will turn their ways around. You are asked to suffer like the slaves were asked to in scripture, because it does mention the submit part for wives shortly afterwards. You are told to suffer as Jesus did for us! God is calling you to SUFFER for HIM!

We read in the bible many times in which people fled from danger, because God opened the door for escape. Jesus did this. David did this. We find stories of people hiding others, and lying to authorities about their presence there to save the lives of those that are hidden. You are told those don't count.

WELL It Worked FOR ME!

Do we say to missionaries that are persecuted to death that they were at fault because they didn't LOVE their enemy the right way? What about the verse that says, “Ask for it, believing, and it will be done.” Did they not believe, and that is why those under the power of Satan did those awful things to them?

WELL I bet we can find at least a COUPLE of persecuted missionaries that escaped will tell you it worked for THEM...so it MUST be so! Right? We need to Praise God for his help towards those faithful servants, and pretty much remind people that missionaries that died that they were at fault after all because they didn't do it right! Look at the spiritual few that it worked for!

The church would have a fit if we said that wouldn't they? Why does that make sense when someone is being terrorized within the home? OH YES - the magical bond right? Ahem sorry! The Spiritual one.

The fleeing feet caused the fracturing of the family, and not the flying fists and sinful actions of the abuser!

You just didn't do something RIGHT, and that is why all these awful things are happening to you! The fists and the emotional abuse are because you were NOT a good spouse, and if you try better? God will change your circumstance.





Instead of a person lets use a object. Break a plate through violence and it's broken. Period.

Even if you keep the shattered pieces "together" instead of removing them from the house, that's only denial to say that the plate isn't broken. The plate has still been broken by violence.

It takes time and work to attempt to glue those pieces together again to see if it will work as a plate again. If you are craftsman you will get it to work, but if you are half hearted or careless it won't.

You use the wrong adhesive, and when you wash it? The heat of that atmosphere will break it apart again.

You throw that plate down on the floor, and more shattered pieces will be present. Throw it again? You have even more!

If you were that perfect spouse and God made that plate whole again, and once again it was thrown to the floor would it not smash?

In the case of an abused Christian spouse, she (or he) can do only their own part by behaving in a Christlike manner.

A Christian wife can no more accept the love of Jesus on behalf of her husband than she can do his own breathing for him to keep him alive. It can't happen the other direction either!

You should have KNOWN!

If I had known what I know today, and I started to date the spouse that abused me...and didn't get married but left? Would that have stopped him from abusing the next person?

Most people would say chances are NOT! Most everyone KNOWS that if you leave a dangerous person they aren't going to be less dangerous with the next person they meet. They may act nicer to them, and not do certain things...but it makes them no less dangerous. Why? They are more than willing to do it to someone!

That part of them that is full of rage, contempt, hurt, etc will still be there. THE core within them can be changed ONLY if they do the hard work, and make that sincere decision to stick with it. That person is the only one that can invite the Holy Spirit to come into their life, and allow God to change them. It's a totally PERSONAL decision, and there is WORK involved with it!




We make sure that pedophiles are kept away from children. We no longer keep booze in the presence of alcoholics. We keep our drugs locked up around addicts. We take temptations away from those that are tempted to the BEST of our ability!

The one that is asked to be the craftsman to put that plate back together? That would be the responsibility of the plate.

Why does that make sense?

Carter Speaks out about Treatment of women of faith, and how it encourages domestic violence!

I ran across this article today regarding our former President Carter, and how he feels that faiths have been doing women (in some sectors of course) a disservice. That they are using cherry picked scripture to keep them in a inferior position, and he feels its against scripture.

The words of God do not justify cruelty to women, and when I read that I almost fell off my chair today.



He seemed have joined an organization called The Elders, and they wish to speak about things that seem more like 'tradition' or 'culture' than truth when it comes to issues like women's rights in this aspect. I was floored when I came across this. Churches for the most part don't wish to acknowledge this is happening, and here comes a gentleman that is willing to bring the truth into the light!

He also has decided after MANY years to leave the Baptist church over their view of women in scripture.

I have been a practising Christian all my life and a deacon and Bible teacher for many years. My faith is a source of strength and comfort to me, as religious beliefs are to hundreds of millions of people around the world.

So my decision to sever my ties with the Southern Baptist Convention, after six decades, was painful and difficult. It was, however, an unavoidable decision when th e convention's leaders, quoting a few carefully selected Bible verses and claiming that Eve was created second to Adam and was responsible for original sin, ordained that women must be "subservient" to their husbands and prohibited from serving as deacons, pastors or chaplains in the military service. This was in conflict with my belief - confirmed in the holy scriptures - that we are all equal in the eyes of God.

This view that women are somehow inferior to men is not restricted to one religion or belief. It is widespread. Women are prevented from playing a full and equal role in many faiths.

Nor, tragically, does its influence stop at the walls of the church, mosque, synagogue or temple. This discrimination, unjustifiably attributed to a Higher Authority, has provided a reason or excuse for the deprivation of women's equal rights across the world for centuries. The male interpretations of religious texts and the way they interact with, and reinforce, traditional practices justify some of the most pervasive, persistent, flagrant and damaging examples of human rights abuses.

At their most repugnant, the belief that women must be subjugated to the wishes of men excuses slavery, violence, forced prostitution, genital mutilation and national laws that omit rape as a crime. But it also costs many millions of girls and women control over their own bodies and lives, and continues to deny them fair access to education, health, employment and influence within their own communities.

Part of the statement from this organization was as follows:

Religion and tradition are a great force for peace and progress around the world.

However, as Elders, we believe that the justification of discrimination against women and girls on grounds of religion or tradition, as if it were prescribed by a higher authority, is unacceptable.

We believe that women and girls share equal rights with men and boys in all aspects of life.

We call upon all leaders to promote and protect equal rights for women and girls.

We especially call on religious and traditional leaders to set an example and change all discriminatory practices within their own religions and traditions.

The Elders are fully committed to the realisation of equality and empowerment of all women and girls.

I applaud Past President Carter's Stand on this issue!

I have heard almost ALL my life about how the teachings of the role women do not equal 'less than', but to me actions speak louder than words! That is NOT to say that men of all faiths act or believe this way, but to say there isn't many? That's hardly the truth! It takes men like President Carter that are willing to speak up, and take the critism about this that will make a difference for all.

It may also change the roles of men in a good and healthy way. It will encourage more men that do serve their roles within the family in a biblical way to stand up and speak up against the ones that push the 'tryant' ways of others. No one wishes to rock the boat, but maybe now the issue can be discussed.

If we can open this door, and speak of the injustice that is done in the realm of women? What is to stop the conversation from contining on to Sexual abuse among other things. You won't have to worry about people accusing you of 'slandering a man of God' when you dare speak a word. WOW maybe common sense can be used, and uglies can be faced instead of hidden.

I have no doubt there will be either silence or a major uproar over his stand. I started a thread at Crosswalk's Ibelieve forum in their 'current event' section. I have to seriously wonder if anyone will have the courage to even talk about this.

Carter Speaks out about Treatment of women of faith, and how it encourages domestic violence! What a man of GOD!

Saudi Judge gives ignorant excuses for domestic violence. Are we much better?

Cnn.com was quoted this week:

Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."

The judge also ignorantly stated:

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.

We can all see the ignorance in those comments about what domestic violence actually is. The blog world is on fire about the judges comments, and people are making comments about how backwards this thinking is. That's being NICE!

As the author at It Dawned on Me stated

I lived in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for 14 months many years ago. Every time I see stories like this, it makes me angry. This is yet another example of men…and this time validated by a judge…using violence to subjugate women. Women have little opportunity to be indecent in this country. They wear veils everywhere they go. They cannot socialize, attend classes, work, or even be seen with a man who is not their husband. When friends come to visit in homes, men socialize with the men in one room and women visit with the women in another room.

What that author speaks about also is seen in the news, and it does set things up to be a no win situation for the women and children in part of the world. They also use this type of excuses when it comes terrorism as well. People pushed their buttons or made them act. They misuse the 'honor' word as an excuse for violence, and in a way to escape from personal responsibility.

I hate these stories as much as anyone I'm sure. I guess I'm also in the minority because YES you do hear about the vicious nature of some of the stories, but in our area of the world we just have a different way of saying basically the same thing.

What did you do to make him so mad?

You need to learn to submit more, and respect leadership within the home! Now go home, and pray to be a better wife!

That is what would be said - among other things - when a wife got slapped for overspending or being perceived that she has a wrong attitude.

We speak about how they are raised in that part of the world with this ignorant attitude towards women, and as you can see it was endorsed by a judge.

Here? Its endorsed by the church.

There are HUGE differences in some realms, but in others? Not so much from where I sit. We have our own ways of endorsing and enabling violence against others within our families. We sprinkle a little scripture on top, but can't do alot of things you see on the news due to our laws. They wouldn't get jailed there, but would here. Those women across the world do have it worse in alot of ways than we do on our side of the world, but we do have things in common. Our houses of faith endorse domestic violence in different ways, and neither of them call it out for the sin it is. Neither call it out for the pure evil that is violence against fellow humans.

We have separate excuses. We have separate ways of life.

We both encourage domestic violence by not holding people accountable, and calling it out for what it is.

SIN!

That Saudi judge needs education badly about the dynamics of domestic violence, but in some ways are we any better? Do our words give protection from abuse? We both have forms of religious abuse, and for some reasons ours is just more acceptable.

Why is that? Does that make it better because we do it different?

Cheating or beating--which is worse?

I saw a thread on Ibelieve.com about if you had to have ONE happen which would be worse? Cheating or Beating?

It was an interesting thread to read, because as you know churches tend to push the cheating card only. Overall which was the biggest fear, or considered the worse? Beating.

They spoke of the dynamics that may come with the beating part compared to the cheating part. The biggest factor was fear. Fear for their live. How beating isn't normally the only thing you deal with.

Of course you had those that threw in the 'one time' only deal, and I sat their scratching my head. So if you spouse beat the stuffing out of you ONE time you wouldn't be afraid of them? I'm sorry but if people can't admit that its pride.

Someone finally mentioned how its strange how pastors will only acknowledge the cheating part as excuse to separate or divorce. Funny because the poll showed overwhelmingly the women would rather be cheated on.

Cheating or Beating -- which is worse? It was an interesting thread!

Faith Site Enables Emotional Abuse?

I read an article on Family Life recently. The title of the article was Do You Have a One-Way Marriage? I was appalled that a faith site would enable emotional abuse, and somehow feel its okay to show others how the author endured the emotional abuse...and to show how YOU can TOO! What is wrong with this world!

Before you can know that peace and joy, you have a huge decision to make. Will you love Jesus more than you love yourself? How far are you willing to go in this love relationship? What holds you back? The better you know God’s character, the more your fears will dissolve. You cannot lose by living life God’s way.

Over the years my husband has been out of work several times. One of those times, he didn’t bother seeking a new job. He sat and played solitaire every day or watched television. This went on for a year and a half. I had a little part-time job, and when our extended family asked if I would get a full-time job, I said, “No. He needs the pressure.”

Of course, after many months I was sometimes concerned for the house and car payments and other expenses. Often I had little food in the house; but through a variety of ways, God met each of those financial needs. I’m glad I had matured in my faith before that time so that I knew not to nag but to trust God for everything.

At one point I fed my family with only $20 for two weeks. It was the worst our food situation had ever been. During those two weeks, God gave me unbelievable ways to stretch that $20. For example, eggs went on sale at a tremendously low price. I made pancakes, egg salad sandwiches, deviled eggs—all providing the protein for our meals.

You would think those two weeks were a dark time, but it was actually exhilarating as I started each day telling God, “I wonder how you’ll provide today.” I learned from that experience to have faith and depend on God without reservation.

Commitment to your husband is tied to your commitment to God. When you pull away from your husband emotionally, you’ll discover you have pulled away from God. If you toy with the option of leaving your husband or divorcing, then you will feel tossed about without God’s peace and presence.

I look at this portion, and I can see this story being handed to spouses that are enduring abuse within their homes. Its not done out of love, but as a weapon to guilt them in to staying. I mean LOOK at the message here!

You can't know peace and joy unless you learn to endure the abuse!

You can't say you love Jesus more than yourself if you will not endure the abuse of your spouse!

You do NOT know the character of God if you are NOT willing to do this in love, and allow God to dissolve your fears when you ask him to.

You are losing everything by not living life God's way! We are showing you HOW!

You commitment to God isn't there when you have to emotionally detach from an abusive person.

Here a faith site uses a women that enables her husband's sinful behavior as a tool for the church NOT to deal with domestic violence. YES you do NOT need to be HIT to be abused! Her husband needs help and an awakening, and he needs to realize that HIS relationship with God is HINDERED at this point!

Think about it! They are asking people to martyr themselves for marriage, and enable the abuse to continue upon themselves and the children. They are totally ignoring the broken person that is acting abusive towards his family. The church is failing this whole family by publishing this piece. She needs help and he needs it DESPERATELY!

Most people won't even grasp that part, because of the dripping manipulative statements about how you can't be right with God if you don't learn to endure.

Sometimes in our marriage I was angry or hurt, and I told my husband in a very unpleasant manner how I felt. I would try to make him feel guilty. I gave him books on how to meet your wife’s needs. I tried all the things that a human can try, without success. God showed me one day that I was trying to do His work—only He can change a person.

I remember one time in particular when I was upstairs in our home, and I heard my husband berating our children. It broke my heart. I wanted to run down and defend my children and remove them from the room, but instead I cried out to God. I told God that He promised not to give me more than I could bear. I reminded God that I had asked Him to protect my children from damage and to give me strength to not interfere. I also prayed for my husband to cease his words to them at that moment. God answered each of those prayers.

Prayer is powerful. It can go where you cannot. It reaches inside your husband’s head and heart. Often if a man is not a godly husband, he will not be a godly dad. As you pray and ask specifically, God will protect your children from your imperfect home and marriage.

The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

You know what bothers me most about the scripture she cites at the end, and when you look at the dynamics of domestic violence? The word MAY - they MAY be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, etc. It doesn't say they WILL - they MAY be won!

Since our total focus is to keep these people together at all costs the word MAY never turns into 'MAY NOT' ever! That's unheard of! May not? Nope. It doesn't compute with the church. Their way of again enabling the emotional abuse within this family. I have seen this verse used time and time again! Did you ever see an article mentioning the 'may not' part? NOT when they are trying to prove this point huh!

We also have this woman allowing her children to be abused, because she feels she can't stand up and protect them. She tells other victims that if they pray GOD will protect them so you don't have to. You have NO responsibility to help in anyway. God will protect them from the emotional abuse, and your mother NOT stepping in at all isn't enabling him to continue!

As we look to the next generations of this type of family she may see her children did have to deal with the effects the ungodly father placed upon them, and also the enabling mother that allowed herself to 'walk away' from her responsibility to her children.

I find this portion of the article totally irresponsible! They are telling wives to allow their spouses to continue to berate the children, and if you don't? WELL you don't have enough faith in God, because he will protect them ALWAYS! Why? She asked him to!

If there is one thing I have learned in my walk in faith is that God has three answers he uses to our prayers. Yes, No, and NOT now! To me she is using God as a crutch to not deal with her life, and uses very good heart tugging phrases to make others feel badly if they can't do the same.

Its a perfect weapon in the church's arsenal to keep people together, and NOT have to get their hands dirty!

I love cooking and trying new recipes. It takes planning and a lot of work to make a really nice meal. I was so disappointed the times my husband came home late without calling. Sometimes he would say, “What is this slop?”

For birthdays or anniversaries, I hoped for a surprise, a gift, or at least a card. I shared my expectations or gave modest suggestions of what I would like. Most years he gave little acknowledgment to the occasion and gave me nothing … or he gave me something he wanted. Through these experienced I learned to take my hurts to the Lord and ask Him to heal my heart.

Intimacy was another problem area. My husband was selfishly driven in the area of sex. He wanted sex, but not non-sexual affection.

If this area is difficult for you, just remember that God will reward your obedience. The major turning point for me was one instance when he wanted to make love and I did not, but God brought to my mind that I should anyway. As a result, we conceived the only one of our children that I birthed. This was particularly special because we struggled with fertility issues and never expected to be able to have children outside of adoption.

Part of loving your husband involves forgiving him daily. Keep short accounts and don’t let the negatives build up. When you do that, you give up the right to seek revenge. It brings peace for you and your home.

What does unconditional love look like? There is a great model of what commitment to love your husband should look like in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient, kind, not jealous and does not seek its own nor take into account a wrong suffered. Love bears all things and hopes all things. Love never fails.”

Denial reigns in the church, and using scripture to enforce it is the way to go!

She speaks nothing of the broken trust between the spouses. I suppose she blindly trusts him as well right? She assumes her forgiveness brings peace to her home.

I have to ask one question!

Does her husband seem at peace?

If he was at peace wouldn't the abuse stop? I'm not talking romance novel relationship after that, but a healthy one! If he was at peace he would be able to give his family a healthy, loving and peaceful home could he not? He might be able to show love as she cites in her scripture if that were the case - him being at peace.

Denial is not peace. Denial is a lie.

God has given me joy

I have not practiced these things perfectly. I’ve failed many times, and I’ve acted unbecoming as a follower of Jesus Christ. But confession and repentance bring me back to where I should be.

Do I still wish I had a husband like I’ve seen others have? Yes. Is it my ultimate goal? No. When I let go of my expectations and gave them to God, I was set free. He offers a joy that no one can steal and a peace that passes all understanding.

I am so grateful to God for teaching me these spiritual disciplines. My marriage is not the major struggle it once was. My relationship with my husband is basically peaceful, and God has given me great joy in life. You too can thrive in a difficult marriage and experience an intimacy with God you never thought possible.

None of us are worthy, but God always wishes for us to live in reality. God wishes her to have true peace, and her husband to have the same.

This man may lose his children, and she may have her heart broken when she found her children were NOT protected by her faith. You do NOT stop the cycle of abuse by enabling the abusive person to continue to abuse. You do NOT end the cycle of abuse by writing articles on how to enable the abuse, and then use scripture in a manipulative way to guilt you into staying.

These types of articles are the reason people LEAVE the church! We have Faith Sites that endorse articles that show others how to enable the emotional abuser. She may feel she has the strength to continue, but telling others they have no faith if you don't do it my way? We enable abusive people to continue, and we as the church don't bring that true healing we are called to show the path to.

What is wrong with people that bring the truth into the light? The truth may not always be easy to deal with, easy to shallow, and it may HURT alot! If the followers of Christ truly wish to show the world a light of hope they need to stop telling oppressed family members to martyr themselves for the sake of marriage stats. The people within that union are what is important to God, and denial of the issues just makes things worse.

This family needs help, and it screams THAT all over this article. This man needs Jesus, and he needs to turn from his abusive ways so that his relationship with God is not hindered.

I seriously have to ask Family Life which is more important! All the abusive souls in the world with their souls at stake, or the marriage stats they scream about to much? They may be able to save alot more marriages if they could deal with reality. Asking a wife to endure the abuse of her husband, and ignore the neglect and outright sin upon her children ISN'T the true way!

If you have the opportunity I would ask you to speak out LOUDLY against this type of article ENDORSED by Family Life! Our responsibility as faith followers is to step in and HELP all involved! We are not to just allow this woman to drown in denial, and show others to live with false hope. Do we step up and speak TRUTH, or do we allow faith sites to show others how to enable abuse? Abusive men are not entitled to abuse families, but articles like this tell them they ARE! Shame on THEM! SHAME! I'm praying for this family tonight, and I hope you will to.

Commercial showing the cycle of abuse

I found this commercial online about the cycle of domestic violence or domestic abuse. It seems to be a series, and is made in more than one language. Instead of showing all the different videos I found one with all of them in a row. Its shows the story of how a son grew up with domestic violence, and the cycle continued in his generation.


Village of Men Domestic Violence PSA - English from Jon Strocel on Vimeo.

This commercial shows a man that was brave enough to get help for himself and his family...and stop the cycle of abuse within his family.

Another Pro Life Movement - Domestic Violence

The Other Pro-Life Movement was an article I was reading on Today's Christian Woman. It was about: How to recognize and help rescue the battered women among us Authored by Corrie Cutrer.

Many years ago Catherine Clark Kroeger faced a decision that would influence her life's course. Serving alongside her pastor husband, Catherine became aware of a woman in her church whose husband was physically abusing her.

Incredibly, several influential church leaders discouraged Catherine from getting too involved. "To them, I was destroying the home by encouraging the woman to get away from the abuse," she remembers.

Then Catherine received a call from the battered woman's counselor, who said, "You've got to get either the husband or the wife out of the home, or you're going to have a murder."

So Catherine drove to the woman's house to pick her up and help her find shelter. "I decided preserving the life was more important at that time than preserving the family," Catherine says. It wasn't a popular choice among members of her congregation, but the woman likely is alive today because of it.

It amazes me that people value the marriage MORE the people within it! They can claim they don't all they wish to, but actions speak louder than words! For example, John wrote, “But whoever has the world’s goods, and beholds his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:17,18). If we say we love another believer but let him/her go on suffering when we have the ability to relieve his suffering, we don’t love him at all. Our actions contradict our words, and actions speak louder than words.

It was the first in a series of similar incidents that made Catherine realize the prevalence of domestic violence within Christian circles, and how women desperately need help. She went on to become a seminary professor, counselor at a local shelter, and coauthor of two books on domestic violence.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. And this statistic often excludes incidents of emotional and sexual abuse that go untold.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than cancer or traffic accidents. According to The American College of Obstetricians and Gyneco-logists, domestic violence is the cause of nearly a quarter million hospital visits every year.

When you look at the education seminars that are placed together with a faith aspect you notice whom is missing in actions within those meetings? Pastors. Clergy.

They can't tell me they are NOT aware of the stats out there that is harming countless men, women and children. They can't ignore how the cycle of violence is learned from one generation to other.

Its sad to see that women are leading this charge, and want to open the ears of the church! You see clergy close their minds, hearts, and ears to the message of oppression that so many people deal with in life. A small amount of BRAVE and HONORABLE men have decided to speak up, but what is sad to me? If men are the leaders why aren't they in great numbers, and leading the charge?

They say they care, but actions speak louder than words! James made a similar observation. “If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,’ and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? Even so faith, if it has no works is dead, being alone” (James 2:15-17). We can say we know the Lord, but if we are indifferent to the needs of other Christians, our actions contradict our words, and actions speak louder than words.

In their book No Place for Abuse (IVP Books), Catherine and coauthor Nancy Nason-Clark reveal that 83 percent of American and Canadian clergy interviewed during a six-year study shared that at some point in their ministry they've counseled a woman who has an abusive spouse or partner. Additionally, Paula Silva, cofounder of Focus Ministries, a small Illinois-based organization that reaches out to battered women, reports that her ministry alone received 2,000 calls, e-mails, and visits in 2007 from Christian women in abusive situations seeking help.

"Saying that abuse isn't happening to women within the church is like saying sin doesn't happen," says Paula, who's also coauthored Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis (Judson Press).

Catherine believes the church can create an environment where long-term abuse goes undetected. "Many churches today still promote a misplaced theology on the family where the husband's will always trumps the wife's, divorce is not an option, and submission is deeply misunderstood," she says. "We deny and minimalize abuse because we have this glorified concept of what the Christian family ought to be."

The article goes on to show the different forms of abuse, and it ended with:

Surprisingly, Paula says emotional abuse leaves the deepest scars in women. "It destroys the spirit," she says. "A woman tends to believe those false messages she's been told, even if she's out of the relationship. It's hard to shed the lies she's believed for so long."

That's why—regardless of the type of abuse—it's so important to get help.

Its strange to me how people realize they need to cherish the life of child, but it comes to the life of the mother? Actions speak louder than words.

Another Pro Life Movement - Domestic Violence - Please seek help with some of the resources listed on the sidebar of this blog if you need them.

It Takes Two To Tango!

I have heard and read way to often the 'two to tango' phrase when people were confronted by hurtful cruel acts of a person acting abusive. Remember ABUSE IS A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR! I will admit at times early before I knew what I was dealing with I tended to engage with abusive people when I should have just choose another form of communication.

I don't know how many times I have heard people state to others that they don't have to fight. You make a choice NOT TO! What people didn't realize is that can backfire on you as well. It reminds me of the time in school in which a bully approached me in the lunch room, and I spoke to my mother about my fear. She told me I had a choice to turn and walk away. I told her this person would jump me at that point. Instead of acknowledging that point she told me not to be silly about this.

I think I learned from childhood how to detach from a situation, and I have to say it has its place. I won't tell you its the best way to handle things. I don't believe it is. I remember taking the advice about how to make that choice NOT to fight. I was then accused of ignoring, withdrawing, etc.

I was then told that I needed to use boundaries. No matter what HOLD your line! I wasn't asking for anything unreasonable. I was asking for communication without raging, name calling, blameshifting, etc. I learned a new lesson:

When you are again thrown off balance by your difficult person's words or behavior...you again get to relearn that hard lesson that is inevitably learned by everyone who tries to get close to a fool: To love a fool is like hugging a fan; you will only be sliced up in the process.

This 'it takes two to tango' really confused me at that point. Okay. I have tried all the above, and MORE..so much MORE! Him? If you look at that portion you will see that most people are cowards on that front. They did not fear my reaction to their advice, but it seems they were of his! Instead of acknowleding his behavior for what it was I was asked to 'change myself' only. I was given no validation that what he was doing was wrong. If it was mentioned it was pretty much in passing.

I have to wonder HOW people are to grow as others wish them to, and change in a way that is healthy when you can't acknowledge the dynamic that is there? I didn't fight back, and I got thrashed for it. I walked away and I got jumped just like the child in the lunch story I mentioned. I detached and I did see him for what he was, and I learned pretty quick at that point that the world COULDN'T!

Quote by Nancy Edwards that moved me.

Jesus is good and pure; our motives are always mixed.
Jesus speaks words of life; we speak words that protect our own sense of reality.
Jesus loves sinners and judges sin; we judge sinners and ignore sin.
Jesus is wise; we are dogmatic.
Jesus sees people’s hearts; we see their defenses.
Jesus is very attractive to needy people; we are often the last place they would come.

I remember that hint of blame towards me when I woke up. You know the saying! YOU are just looking for the easy way OUT! It takes TWO to TANGO!

You know how that made me feel?



I figured out that their answers were setting me up to lose. I could never win or even make any headway if they couldn't acknowledge the evil I was dealing with. I couldn't make it better if I molded myself into their perfect person that didn't do the dance of the tango. If I learned to NOT FIGHT, and detach myself from the venom and used boundaries ... take wouldn't change the dynamics.

If you can't acknowledge evil behavior you are just enabling it!

Sanctuary for the Abused had an article today that linked to another article called, Blaming the Victim of Narcissism.

Barbara at Sanctuary for the Abused had a comment to her post that I wanted to share:

A group of guerrilla fighters burst into an evangelical church, during Sunday service, in South America. "Everyone who proclaims to Love the Christ, must stay and be shot! the rest of you can leave."

Within minutes the church was nearly empty. The congregation exited out the windows and doors. In the end, only 3 remained; waiting to be killed.

The guerrilla fighters immediately threw down their guns and proclaimed:
"My fellow BRETHREN! now that we have rid ourselves of the hypocrites, let us worship our Lord in Truth!"

I think we all wonder if we would be the ones that fled, or the ones that stayed don't you think?

The three that remained at times remind me of the percentage of church goers that will acknowledge the dynamics of domestic violence in its true form. I look at the ones that preached to me about how I need to change myself, and yet they were afraid to acknowledge what was truly happening to me were hypocrites as well.

I have seen and heard from so many people feeling that they can't worship the Lord in Truth, because in their world there isn't any. People have told them they are JUST as evil, and they are looking for the easy way out. They are told to change themselves, and don't worry about your spouse. They see these huge hurtles and large mountains...and they are tired...they don't know if they can prove themselves any longer. They just aren't good enough for Jesus. The spirit is being stripped, and their sense of self worth is disappearing all together. They hear we are rags compared to Jesus..but that rag has an extra meaning that others can't comprehend. People stop them from feeling the love, compassion and mercy. I don't think those that are ignorant realize what a stumbling block they are handing these suffering people, nor do those people choose to view it to close either.

Barbara's article today is quoted as saying:

Since when is it good to be friendly with bad people? Since when is winking at their wrongdoing a virtue?

Perhaps someone can quote chapter and verse in the comments, because holier-than-thous really deserve to have their religion's true teachings show what frauds their twisting of religious doctrine makes them.

In the New Testament, in Revelations, I believe, in one of the letters to the churches, some holier-than-thou Christians are read the riot act for that very same pretense.

The author unloads both barrels at them with this truth: "Good people are not lukewarm toward evil.' Its says.

Cowards Are.

The article she linked to began:

The first thing the victims of narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame.

Not one bit.

In other words, he didn't get mad because dinner was was late. She didn't blow up because you are "too this" or "too that." You didn't "ask for it" by speaking up and saying that you deserved some attention and respect.

The narcissist attacked you just because you are there, period. Don't you have a right to be there?

Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications?

Does that make any sense? That's as hateful as the crime against humanity of attacking people just for being a certain KIND or nationality.

The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.

It would make as much sense to blame a sheep for getting attacked by a wolf. So what if the wolf says, "I attacked her because she is an obnoxious sheep!" What idiot falls for that line? Yet narcissist sympathizers are doing precisely this and are therefore being irrational.

The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period.

If people tell you that it takes two to tango...ask them when the behavior of the abuser would be acceptable? When is it acceptable to attack with rage, wrath, name calling, blameshifting? Why would they think their mininizing of that fact would be acceptable to Jesus? Would Jesus say it takes two to tango, or would he call out evil for what it is!

Emotional Abuse and Your Faith Interviewed

Recently, Waneta Dawn author of Behind the Hedge and myself (Hannah Thomas) of Emotional Abuse and Your Faith were interviewed on Blog Talk Radio by Sista Girl Speaks Up. She also had on her show two gentlemen: James Walker and Pastor Arthur Thompson.






I thought I would post it in case anyone was interested in listening to us speak about domestic violence within the church.

Wives, Submit to your Husbands?

I saw a video posted on YouTube that I wanted to share. It was a man that was responding to something he said joking around, and someone took it really serious. He was then reminded of his leadership and authority within the home. He was joking about pets in the family, and how certain dogs were HIS and the others were his wifes! He was being humorous. Here is his response about how men can take advantage of certain verses - even about Wives, Submit to your Husbands! He was addressing the person reminding him about his authority.



There always seems to one that has to bring up the verse in Genesis (3:16), and how God placed the order down there. I have to scratch my head in confusion everytime someone does this. We are talking about a curse - which I would assume to MOST people would be mean 'bad' no? The man will rule over her being a curse, and yet it is used as tool to have women obey men seems to contradicts how you are to deal with curses.

I mean if you know God had cursed someone do we use that curse to your advantage? Is that correct? People can say that is a consequence. Okay. So what are they saying? God says its okay to take advantage of people's consequences then? We are talking about personal responsibilities and not something wartime here by the way!

Part of that passage speaks about pain in childbirth as well. Are we in sin when we use things to sooth that pain as well? I mean some ladies use breathing, exercise among other things to make the pain of childbirth more tolerable.

Why is it acceptable to ease childbirth, and then go in a completely different direction for the 'rule over' part? I mean we wish to EASE the curse of the pain of childbirth, and then use the 'rule over' you as something you don't wish to ease? So lets ease one portion of the curse and NOT the other! Does that make sense to anyone else?

The bible calls for the man to love his wife. We see scripture has a definition of what love is:

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 GW I may speak in the languages of humans and of angels. But if I don't have love, I am a loud gong or a clashing cymbal. (2) I may have the gift to speak what God has revealed, and I may understand all mysteries and have all knowledge. I may even have enough faith to move mountains. But if I don't have love, I am nothing. (3) I may even give away all that I have and give up my body to be burned. But if I don't have love, none of these things will help me. (4) Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. (5) It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. (6) It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. (7) Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up. (8) Love never comes to an end. There is the gift of speaking what God has revealed, but it will no longer be used. There is the gift of speaking in other languages, but it will stop by itself. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will no longer be used. (9) Our knowledge is incomplete and our ability to speak what God has revealed is incomplete. (10) But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will no longer be used. (11) When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I no longer used childish ways. (12) Now we see a blurred image in a mirror. Then we will see very clearly. Now my knowledge is incomplete. Then I will have complete knowledge as God has complete knowledge of me. (13) So these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the best one of these is love.

So if you look at the above definition of what God says is love why comments like, "Someone has to be in charge! He gave men that responsibility!" Its in the bible that women are to 'obey' us. We are the HEAD and have the last word! I mean does 'ruling over her' mean love? Do that line up with the scripture we find? Sounds like pride and arrogance to me!

I don't take issue with men and women within marriage yielding to one another. I mean that makes sense for harmony doesn't it? Does 'ruling over her' do the same thing? It would seem it would cause disharmony within the relationship, but so many men feel entitled to that. They claim they are the LEADERSHIP within the home! Remember SOMEONE has to be in charge right? We need to look to scripture for the definition of leadership!

Matthew 20:20-28 GW Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her two sons. She bowed down in front of him to ask him for a favor. (21) "What do you want?" he asked her. She said to him, "Promise that one of my sons will sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom." (22) Jesus replied, "You don't realize what you're asking. Can you drink the cup that I'm going to drink?" "We can," they told him. (23) Jesus said to them, "You will drink my cup. But I don't have the authority to grant you a seat at my right or left. My Father has already prepared these positions for certain people." (24) When the other ten apostles heard about this, they were irritated with the two brothers. (25) Jesus called the apostles and said, "You know that the rulers of nations have absolute power over people and their officials have absolute authority over people. (26) But that's not the way it's going to be among you. Whoever wants to become great among you will be your servant. (27) Whoever wants to be most important among you will be your slave. (28) It's the same way with the Son of Man. He didn't come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people."

Does that sounds like SOMEONE has to be in charge? Jesus said that we are NOT to have absolute authority over people, and yet it is preached to often that MEN are to have that authority. Wives, SUBMIT to your HUSBANDS! Absolute authority in some denominations - yet Jesus says that is NOT to be SO! I would assume because it goes against his defination of love!

Someone recently called to my attention Landover Baptist church. Its NOT a real church. In fact it tends to mock the counterdictions they see within the church, and BOY does it make the church MAD!





The church can make all the excuses they want about how that ISN'T what they mean in those scriptures! That is HOW some men view them, and what the author of the first video's point was! YET others seem to have this URGE to remind us of Genesis 3:16.

Some men claim due to Eve being the first to sin that is way things are the way the are! Can I giggle back and remind them WHOM was the first to lie? It wasn't Eve! Adam lied and tried to NOT take responsibility for his actions. Funny how the 'Eve' portion you hear alot about, but that Adam characteristic? WELL - that so does NOT apply does it? (No. I don't think all men are like that! NOR do I think all women are easily deceived!)

To me those that push the WIVES submit to your husband, because EVE was easily deceived so that makes all women so...and that is WHY we must 'rule over' you crowd pretty dangerous. I mean if they believe that do they believe men tend to be lairs and blame shifters? If so, what makes them good leaders? You can't use ONE portion of scripture and NOT use the other in the same WAY!