Parish Response To Domestic Violence

From time to time I find a person of faith that truly effects my heart and soul when it comes to their position on domestic violence and the church.  Fr. Charles W. Dahm I have to say just warmed my heart completely.

 

When I started this blog many years ago – I had no voice.  It was hard to find anything besides stats, and some surface statements about emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse within the Christian home.  So I would find articles from time to time, and cut and paste them on my blog.  It was just my own personal collection, because HELP in this area was so truly hard to find.  To be more direct within the Faith realm that is!

 

In 2006, I posted an article I found called: Marriage Annulment Grounds in the Catholic Church.  To date this maybe one of the most popular articles on this blog, and has been almost since I posted it.  I have tried in the past to get Priest's attention to it, because some the responses there are honestly over my head.  I’m not Catholic, and I feel unqualified to answer the requests on questions.  I pray one day to find someone within the Catholic community to help in that area. 

 

I honestly feel helpless when it come to that article, but I can’t remove it because it seems to bring such solace to people. So it stands, and I have found posters themselves have discussions about the piece.

 

Recently, I saw a video on PBS about churches and domestic violence, and I uploaded it youtube.  I wanted to be sure it didn’t disappear.  The video itself featured, Father Charles Dahm of Chicago.

 

Fr. Charles W. Dahm, O.P., heads up the domestic violence outreach ministry for the Archdiocese of Chicago. This video  below is of a sermon delivered by Fr. Dahm titled: "Let's Reach Out to Victims of Domestic Violence as Jesus Would."

 

He nails it!  He pulls no punches, and he does not have the fear that way to many other men or women of faith have when it comes to speaking about abuse within the Christian home.  There is fear and stigma it seems when it comes to this subject of domestic violence within the church. 

 

I think part of it is the divorce stats, and some honestly have a hard time dealing with this issue because they feel they may add to the stats.  So – sadly – they do nothing. 

 

At times they do make it worse by using all these ‘spiritual pixie dust’ approaches, and refuse to acknowledge the habitual dangerous pattern within marriages.  They will NOT acknowledge the cycle of abuse within AT ALL.

 

Sadly, you see to often this avoidance approach by dealing with the last episode while ignoring the overall danger to every member of this family.  Fr. Charles W. Dahm has the courage to face all aspects of this, and yes that includes the ugly underbelly that others have yet to find the courage to even acknowledge with any substance.

 

Let’s Reach Out To Victims of Domestic Violence as Jesus Would Sermon

His words and message were awesome, and you don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate them.

 

St. Pius V is a Catholic parish in the Pilsen neighborhood on Chicago's near southwest side.  His Parish has programs for both the abused, and the perpetrators – the gender doesn’t matter. 

The Catholic Campaign for Human Development (CCHD) awarded St. Pius V Parish a $15,000 grant to increase its capacity for outreach, and for the establishment of parish-based volunteer training programs that have already been established in 15 parishes in the archdiocese since 2007 through the efforts of Father Chuck and the St. Pius V counseling team.

Here is a video of an interview with Fr. Charles W. Dahm about the program that includes men, women and children.  Its about 2.5 minutes long, and he tells you briefly how he approaches this with love, compassion…and most remarkably understanding, and the pitfalls of abuse.

 

Fr. Charles W. Dahm Interview about his Parish’s Domestic Violence Program

 

 

Here are some additional resources:

Catholic women to create national network against domestic violence

Domestic Violence Victims Turn Toward Faith

 

 

Thank you Fr. Charles W. Dahm for speaking about domestic violence within the Christian Home!  Your sermon – message on domestic violence within the church touched my heart.

John Piper, and his 7 clarifying Justifications on Domestic Violence

Crying Out For Justice had noted on their blog that John Piper wrote an article (after how long?) to ‘clarify’ his position on Wife Abuse.  I had written a piece called, John Piper’s Ignorance is killing Children.  I had taken a video from John Piper when he spoke about wife abuse, and what submission to your husband looks like in such cases.  I uploaded his video to youtube, because his website stated you could ‘share’ their content.
I never in a million years would have expected them to take the video down off their site (Desiring God), and never say a word about WHY they removed it.  Most people that I have noticed feel they wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. 
I had no idea the firestorm that would start over this video, and when I check my youtube account?  It tells me it has been shared all over the place, and is quoted quite often.  To this day I still received comments on youtube under the video itself.
John Piper made some awful comments about domestic violence in the church in 2009.   This is 2012 – almost 2013.  It took John Piper almost 4 years to ‘clarify’ his position on domestic violence in the church.  Most people that feel they are misunderstood tend to correct the misunderstanding within weeks.  John Piper decided that years was appropriate in this case.   

We don’t need clarification – you need to repent!

Clarifying Words on Wife Abuse

by John Piper | December 19, 2012
Several years ago, I was asked in an online Q&A, “What should a wife’s submission to her husband look like if he’s an abuser?”
One of the criticisms of my answer has been that I did not mention the recourse that a wife has to law enforcement for protection. So let me clarify with seven biblical observations.

Sadly, he didn’t clarify anything.  He basically gave another confusing message, and maybe its time he shuts up completely on this subject.  It’s clear the man has no clue what type of dynamics are involved within an abusive relationship, and all he seems to be doing is pandering to different sides of his following.
We will look at his seven biblical justifications (ahem – I mean observations), and compare them to what he said the first time.
He isn’t showing the humility he asks from others – per scripture. He doesn’t offer to repent of his errors, or even offer an apology for some misunderstanding. No. He wants to clarify.
He feels his ignorance towards this issue and its realities for many families was awesome, but misunderstood. People just didn’t understand him. In truth its not his communication skills that are lacking but comprehension of the issue he speaks of. 
He knows people feel this, and takes the coward’s way out. Repentance is what is needed – not clarification.

Its very saddening to me personally.  We can assume his viewpoint has not changed. That’s scary! The lack of police wasn’t the only error he made.  Notice also he placed this in writing, because last time he caught it over giggling at the question. Lets look at a portion of what was said last time:

A woman’s submission to her husband is rooted in the word of God, calling her to be—for the Lord’s sake, for the Lord’s sake—submissive to him. Which means she always has a higher allegiance, namely to Christ.
Therefore Christ’s word governs her life. And Christ has many words besides “Be submissive.” “Be submissive” is not an absolute, because her Lord has other things to tell her, so that if the husband tells her something that contradicts what the Lord tells her, then she’s got a crisis of, “To whom do I submit now?” And clearly she submits to Jesus above her husband. The reason she is submitting to her husband is because of her prior superior submission to the Lord.
So if this man, for example, is calling her to engage in abusive acts willingly (group sex or something really weird, bizarre, harmful, that clearly would be sin), then the way she submits—I really think this is possible, though it’s kind of paradoxical—is that she’s not going to go there. I’m saying, “No, she’s not going to do what Jesus would disapprove even though the husband is asking her to do it.” – From John Piper’s video 4 years ago

This time he decides he needs to remind her of all the people, offices, etc. that she is in submission to. Once again, he is asking her to call on her church with his comment, ‘is a call to humble, Bible-Saturated, spiritual wisdom’. Yes, he hints at the source all through his piece. This is just your first taste of it.

1. Every Christian is called to submit to various authorities and to each other: children to parents (Ephesians 6:1), citizens to government (Romans 13:1), wives to husbands (Ephesians 5:22), employees to employers (2 Thessalonians 3:10), church members to elders (Hebrews 13:17), all Christians to each other (Ephesians 5:21), all believers to Christ (Luke 6:46).
This puts the submission of wives and husbands into the wider context of submission to Jesus, to the civil authorities, to each other, and to the church. This means that the rightness or wrongness of any act of submission is discerned by taking into account all the relevant relationships. We are all responsible to Jesus first, and then, under him, to various other persons and offices. Discerning the path of love and obedience when two or more of these submissive relationships collide is a call to humble, Bible-saturated, spiritual wisdom.

His second statement on domestic violence is a bit more complicated than his first.  The first time we heard his speech on the wife’s submission to her husband ‘for the Lord’s sake’, and then he goes into some strange speech about ‘group sex’.  Now he reminds her (and others) of all the authorities people are to submit to, and how it takes discernment in order to juggle all of them.
Why he can’t just tell her that it is OKAY to call the civil authorities when she feels she is in danger?  He is over doing this WAY too much.  Honestly, he is confusing the issue more than it needs to be.  Its wise to call the authorities if you feel threatened in this way.  During this period you don’t have time to juggle of this stuff he rambles about.  That wasted time could cost lifes.

2. Husbands are commanded, “Love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). They are told to “love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28–29). The focus of a husband’s Christlikeness in loving his wife is “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
Christian husbands are not Christ. They are finite, fallible, forgiven sinners. They do not stand in the place of Christ. Their wives relate directly to Christ (Hebrews 4:16; 11:6), not merely through their husbands. Husbands do not have the wisdom or the power or the rights of Christ. Their likeness to Christ in leading their wives is limited and focused by these words: He gave himself up for her . . . nourishing and cherishing . . . not harsh with them.
Therefore, an abusive husband is breaking God’s law. He is disobeying Christ. He is not to be indulged but disciplined by the church. The wife is not insubordinate to ask the church for help. A Christian woman should not feel that the only help available to her is the police. That would be a biblical failure of her church.

Sadly, an abusive man does not love his own body.  He can’t grasp the concept of nourishing and cherishing in the way that John Piper speaks of.  He is not capable of being what God commanded, and when you understand that part?  The rest of what John Piper states here doesn’t make any sense.
No one can relate to Christ ‘through’ an abusive person the way he means it.  Sadly, they are too broken.   They can’t ‘lead’ their wives in the way he speaks of either.  This assumption alone shows how disconnected he is from this circumstance.  The way he is presenting this?  The husband is a good, honorable Christian Husband – that failed miserably in some fashion.  It goes much further than that.
The biblical failure of the church is why these articles are needed to begin with.  The way submission is taught is confusing most of the time as well.  When you write books, and you tell women that if a man stops by your house to ask for directions – you need to do it in an submissive way in order to honor his gender is just a bit over the top.  This is why he has to tell woman its not ‘insubordinate’ to ask for help  in the first place.  That alone should tell you there is a failure within the church.
What's the Difference – By John Piper, Page 60

appropriate ways. there are ways for a woman to interact even with a male subordinate that signal to him and others her endorsement of his mature manhood in relationship to her as a woman. i do not have in mind anything like sexual sugges- tiveness or innuendo. rather, i have in mind culturally appro- priate expressions of respect for his kind of strength, and glad acceptance of his gentlemanly courtesies. her demeanor—the tone and style and disposition and discourse of her ranking position—can signal clearly her affirmation of the unique role that men should play in relationship to women owing to their sense of responsibility to protect and lead.
it is obvious at this point that we are on the brink of contradiction—suggesting that a woman may hold a position of leadership and fulfill it in a way that signals to men her endorsement of their sense of responsibility to lead. But the complexities of life require of us this risk. to illustrate: it is simply impossible that from time to time a woman not be put in a position of influencing or guiding men. for example, a housewife in her backyard may be asked by a man how to get to the freeway. at that point she is giving a kind of leadership. she has superior knowledge that the man needs and he sub- mits himself to her guidance. But we all know that there is a way for that housewife to direct the man that neither of them feels their mature femininity or masculinity compromised. it is not a contradiction to speak of certain kinds of influence

I have wonder if they don’t make these teachings confusing on purpose so that people have to constantly come back, and ask how to do something right.  They are made to be dependent on them for even the most simple tasks in life.  Why in heaven’s name do you seriously need to instruct a grown woman on how to give driving directions when asked?  It should be common sense – Be nice and offer them!
Sorry but when you get these types of confusing messages?  Yes, you are better off going to the police.  You don’t time to juggle the colliding submission levels, and all that jazz.  You end up being busy double thinking things to make sure you doing it as your pastor would wish, and the protection of the family comes second.  This should not be!

So the short answer, I think, is that the church is really crucial here to step in, be her strength, say to this man, “You can’t do this. You cannot do this! That’s not what we allow. That’s not what Christ calls you to be.”
I can’t go in to all the details, but I would say to the woman, “Come to a church that you feel safe in. Tell them the case. Let the leaders step in and help you navigate the difficulties. -John Piper’s Video on Abuse from 4 years ago.

An abusive man needs to hear more than what is offered here, and an understanding of his mindset is essential.  It’s a pattern of behavior, and most of the time you find that the woman (or man) that is being abused doesn’t recognize it for what it is. 
Anyone can have a good day, and be nice.  Yes, even abusive personalities.  Too often we use that simplistic example to avoid looking at his core being.  That core doesn’t change with a session of church discipline – or even a number of them.  We also need to acknowledge that humans have a choice to see their sin, and turn from it – or refuse to.  That part is something John Piper ‘refuses’ to acknowledge or in fact deal with at all here.
If you can’t deal with that part? You need to stay silent. It’s a reality for so many people, and has been inside and outside the church.

3. But recourse to civil authorities may be the right thing for an abused wife to do. Threatening or intentionally inflicting bodily harm against a spouse (or other family members) is a misdemeanor in Minnesota, punishable by fines, short-term imprisonment, or both. Which means that a husband who threatens and intentionally injures his wife is not only breaking God’s moral law, but also the state’s civil law. In expecting his wife to quietly accept his threats and injuries, he is asking her to participate in his breaking of both God’s moral law and the state’s civil law.
God himself has put law enforcement officers in place for the protection of the innocent. “If you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer” (Romans 13:4). A wife’s submission to the authority of civil law, for Christ’s sake, may, therefore, overrule her submission to a husband’s demand that she endure his injuries. This legitimate recourse to civil protection may be done in a spirit that does not contradict the spirit of love and submission to her husband, for a wife may take this recourse with a heavy and humble heart that longs for her husband’s repentance and the restoration of his nurturing leadership.

Once again John Piper assumes he is capable of ‘nurturing leadership’.    Sadly, he is not.  He never addresses or goes NEAR this issue.  This is a problem, because if you can’t acknowledge it?  You can’t fix  it either.
Most that call the authorities do this out of fear for their safety.  The speech about where her heart maybe be at that point?  It shows how completely gone he is with the realities of these circumstances. 
Do people call the police when someone breaks into their homes out of a heavy and humble heart that wishes their repentance and restoration?  NO!  They call because they are scared, and maybe harmed..and want help and protection!  The rest?  Granted could come later.
The way he presents this will make the family feel badly about calling for help.  Their terror wasn’t enough, because they were not thinking of love and submission.  Seriously, what a dumb statement!  The picture I submitted here is showing how to do this the WRONG way.  Bleck!
John Piper needs to understand the systematic breakdown of her personhood over time by her abuser’s words.   They way he presents this places DOUBT in their MINDS!
John Piper’s added extras don’t help, but render things.  Romans 13:4 is all you need.

Here is a partial look at the relationship…
Some repeated comments include:  She will never make it without him, and the children will be homeless.  No one will want her, or believe her.  She is crazy, and everyone knows it. 
An Abuser once told his children, ‘Without me?  You will be living under a bush, and eating BUGS!” 
He builds a dependency on him, and any anxiety in his life no matter how small?  Its spilled over all this family, and you can bet he has them scared to death.
The family sadly already has an unhealthy sense of responsibility towards him, and his abusive behavior. 
When John Piper speaks of domestic violence in the church, and he uses phases like:  ‘maybe the right the thing to do’ or ‘may, therefore, overrule her submission to a husband’s demand’ leaves doubt in her mind.   That is the LAST thing she needs!
The abusive person has already brainwashed her into thinking she can’t make a plausible decision to SAVE her life, and the church is going to believe HIM.  Remember she is crazy, and everyone knows it. She already feels incapable of making decisions due to his treatment of her (ie: verbal and emotional abuse – or in Piper’s words verbal unkindness), and may not feel capable of the biblical gymnastics he was asking of her.  Remember this is a time of terror and trauma.  Not the TIME to think and feel all the junk Piper has in mind.  She needs to hear someone that can be blunt, and Piper isn’t doing that.
Calling the police is taking every OUNCE of energy, and bravery she has.  She doesn’t need some speech about where her heart should be – or maybe.  It just confuses things for her.  She needs to hear support. 
She knows the church will ask her to look her sin, and what they don’t understand is she may not be able to balance that in a rational way.  The family has already been trained to owe sins that are NOT their’s to own anyway.  Their approach needs to show appreciation to this concept.  John Piper does not do this. 
All the family will feel is shame – it’s a normal environment for them.  The abuser’s words of how awful they are, and how life is their fault?  It’s a normal mindset for them, and they feel they are already condemned.  She already FEELS like a piece of dirt on the bottom on his shoe.  The abusive person LIKES IT THAT WAY, and Piper doesn’t seem to grasp that either.  Its his form of control, and its  full of entitlement for HIM – not God.  He is too broken to grasp God’s moral law, because all he sees is how people wronged him.
Does this SOUND like a person that LOVES his body, and is capable of cherishing and nourishing others when he can’t do that for himself?
When you can’t get to point A – understanding the mindset of the abuser or family – you will not help the abusive person or the family get to be point B.  All the silly spiritual pixie dust you place in between doesn’t change that fact.

4. The church should not harbor an abusive man or woman whom the civil authorities would punish if they knew what the church knows. We are called to mercy. “Be merciful as your heavenly Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36). But there are times when mercy to one demands justice for another. This is often the case with criminal abuse. Moreover, there are many ways to show mercy toward a guilty person who must pay fines or go to jail. We are seldom in a position where the choice is simply mercy or no mercy.

I have to be honest that this partial comment about ‘would punish if they knew what the church knows’?  It makes me very uncomfortable, because YES the church does have a reputation of covering up. John Piper knows this.  They feel they can do a better job – in house.  It also tells you she has gone to them first, and they are wrestling with calling the authorities.
Unfortunately,  when you have people in a church that tend to feel they know better than anyone else?  People get hurt.  John Piper has not shown his discernment on this issue yet.  You need the law, and you also need people in faith behind you – full of support and encouragement.
Most of the time the church tends to look for the ‘accident’ instead of the ‘pattern of behavior’.  Churches HAVE used the excuse that being a card carrying Christian means abusers won’t manipulate the circumstance.  They won’t wail at the alter in repentance when their fingers are crossed behind their backs.  Abusive personalities didn’t get that way because of martial issues.  Its been a long journey for them, and they know how to play their cards. 
The church gives out to much benefit of the doubt – or feel they will see right through them.  It never dawns on them that is the other way around.  The abuser will play them as well.  Sadly, Piper are too focused on the Disneyland Happily ever after.   They never wish to look at the core issues, because it may not turn out ‘biblical’ enough for them.  That’s a problem!
In most cases – they couldn’t discern the proper type of justice or mercy in these cases if their life depended on it.  Instead of being FIRM, and letting the family know they WILL be their support system the way they need it?  They go down rabbit trails.  This needs to be a time of encouragement, and so far?  It hasn’t been.  I agree we are seldom in a position where choice is simply mercy or no mercy.  We also need to allow natural consequences to happen, and at times allow God to take the wheel.
Problem is you give the wrong type of mercy if you don’t have a good grasp on whom you are dealing with. 

5. For many women, the thought of a husband going to jail and losing his job and being publicly shamed is so undesirable that they often endure much sin before becoming desperate enough to turn to the authorities. What I want to stress is that long before they reach a point of desperation — or harm — the women of the church should know that there are spiritual men and women in the church that they can turn to for help. By way of caution and lament, I cannot promise that every church has such spiritual, gifted, and compassionate men and women available for help. But many do. The intervention of these mature brothers and sisters may bring the husband to repentance and reconciliation. Or they may determine that laws have been broken and the civil authorities should or must be notified. In either case, no Christian woman (or man) should have to face abuse alone.

No doubt women do think about jail, job, and being shamed publically.  The church needs to make her feel that the shame of the circumstance is not her’s to bear.  Shame should be felt by the one whom harmed others.  Why does that message NOT come out of the church’s clearly enough for all to see?  Will that red flag be enough to seek changes, or will we make excuses and simplistic comments about it?

Now that’s one kind of situation. Just a word on the other kind. If it’s not requiring her to sin but simply hurting her, then I think she endures verbal abuse for a season, and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church. – Piper’s comments from 4 years ago

He confuses people because prior he told the women to take things for a season, or wait until you are hit.   There was no clarification as to how this changed since his more recent statement (or Ahem – clarification). 
Are they going to asked if they waited a season, or asked WHY they waited until harm came?   
Could those past statements be part of the reason WHY families become ‘desperate enough to turn to the authorities’.
Yes, of course they can.  You see John Piper some of the statements and attitudes towards domestic violence within the church need to owned and repented of.  Your list of the 7 justifications doesn’t cut it.
People can be mature believers, and still not know HOW to handle this type of circumstances.  It’s not a putdown at all.  You need a special type of help with experience in these matters.  Once again, there is no clarification on this either.  He leaves this damning statement out there for people to wonder about.
Since he can’t make up his mind – due to NOT clarifying police action or not…how do they determine if they will contact civil authorities?  You see, he didn’t clarify anything here.  This was to be the WHOLE purpose of his new article.  There is no mention of separation during this ‘intervention’ either – just intervention of the abuser.  Would separation even be on their minds?  Still no comment.
The bible does speak of those that do not choose to repent, and turn from their sin.  The actions towards that person – if they happen to be a spouse – is ignored they feel ‘biblically’.  Quite honestly even if he did repent instantly (which we love to look at, and yet we are to see if they can live it also)?  Do they forget the family is still scared?  Will he be allowed to live and marinate with that reality he left his family in?  I’m sorry – forgive me shouldn’t be enough for anyone yet. 
Their only true focus it seems is reconciliation.  The reality of the marriage not working out the way they feel it must makes the church wiggle with anxiety.  Now we switch from the abusers' anxieties to the churches.  That doesn’t help the terrified family, and you have to wonder when their time comes….
The churches focus is on the future – with hopefully no divorce or remarriage. 
The family wants to feel safe, and is wondering what type of attack the abuser will attempt now that they are outed.  Where does their future lie?  How will they get by?  Where will they live?  Will they ever be safe?  Those questions are NOT due to thinking of divorce or remarriage – its out of personal safety and well being.  Something most are used to, and they have not had the luxury of.  They are scared to death! 
The church worries about reminding the family that they need to think of income from the husband.  How children can get screwed up if they don’t grow up in a two parent home.  The shattered family makes the church nervous, and although some maybe well intended PUSH the repentance and reconciliation way before its even a healthy time to embark on that journey.  
The family may feel at this point that their fear is frivolous to the church – due to their reaction.  The church will say it is NOT, but they won’t put their own anxieties to the side long enough to make that family feel safe.  They feel steamrolled without options this time, and if you listen to most family members?  They hear manipulative comments coming from these compassionate brothers and sisters.  “How will you live if your husband is in jail?”

6. When Jesus commands his disciples, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39), he is describing one way of love: the testimony that Jesus is so sufficient to me that I do not need revenge. This was the way Christ loved us at the end: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:22–23).
But this is not the only path of love open to those who are persecuted. The Bible warrants fleeing. John Bunyan wrestled with these two strands in the Bible of how to deal with persecution:
He that flies, has warrant to do so; he that stands, has warrant to do so. Yea, the same man may both fly and stand, as the call and working of God with his heart may be. Moses fled, Ex. 2:15; Moses stood, Heb. 11:27. David fled, 1 Sam. 19:12; David stood, 24:8. Jeremiah fled, Jer. 37:11–12; Jeremiah stood, 38:17. Christ withdrew himself, Luke 19:10; Christ stood, John 18:1–8. Paul fled, 2 Cor. 11:33; Paul stood, Acts 20:22–23. . . .
Do not fly out of a slavish fear, but rather because flying is an ordinance of God, opening a door for the escape of some, which door is opened by God’s providence, and the escape countenanced by God’s Word, Matt. 10:23. (Seasonable Counsels, or Advice to Sufferers, in The Works of John Bunyan, volume 2, page 726)

‘I do not need revenge’,  is again NOT on the list of priorities for the family during this period of time.  John Piper doesn’t understand this, and I guess has ignored proven concepts like it’s the most dangerous time for them is when they escape.  They will be reviled and threatened – NOT the abuser!  They want to hide – not get back at him.   Anger may come WAY later, but its more over the treatment they had to endure  and are finally able to allow it to safety surface.   That is called righteous anger, and not the sinful type he is hinting towards here.
When you can’t wrap you head around this additional concept, it also shows how completely disconnected he is to their reality. 
He seems to be looking at the family within a different environment.  One in which someone attacks the family, and the family – as a unit – wants to lash back at them.  We aren’t speaking of an outsider coming to harm the family.  We are speaking of an insider that they live with that has been harming them, and is going to be royally ticked off that he has been exposed. 
If they separate from him?  He is going to go nuts over that aspect alone.  Granted the church maybe able to calm him down at the moment, but its not something that will stick completely within him.  His resentment and contempt for them is still firmly seeded.  John Piper can’t seem to even conceive of this at all.  He is barking up the wrong tree here! 
The only ‘stood’ parts you see hinted at here is the reconciliation of the family.  Its not time to deal with this yet!  STOP rushing!  I realize its unreasonable to ask for him to look at the fact that the abuser may not wish to change due to choice.  So life without him is not something he will ever speak about.

My closing plea is to all Christian men, and in particular to the leaders of churches: Herald a beautiful vision of complementarian marriage that calls men to bear the responsibility not only for their own courage and gentleness but also for the gentleness of the other men as well. Make it part of the culture of manhood in the church that the men will not tolerate the abuse of any of its women.

So, in other words:  being complementarian, and living HIS version of it is the answer.  We have seen plenty of churches that can speak a good game, but you find they also ‘tolerate’ quite a bit.  Saying you won’t tolerate something is just words.  Showing compassion, and following up with the right type of action is what is needed.  

You need to be responsible with speaking about abuse.  You haven’t been, and this little piece still shows the ignorance that you held on to all this time.  John Piper you didn’t clarify anything.  You just cemented in what you said the first time.  Your courage was lacking in correcting your errors, and there was no gentle humbleness.  Lead by example!  Its time to repent – NOT CLARIFY!

We don’t need your 7 biblical justifications.  That’s all you did here.  You justified what you said last time, and it shows who your ignorance is killing children, and their families.

Open Letter to John Piper about Divorce – Written by a man
Domestic Violence, Christmas, John Piper, SGM and TGC
Double Standards in the true Confusion – Video shows how John Piper approaches those that suffered abuse – other than spouses.  HUGE difference!
John Piper, and Domestic Violence in the Church

Splitting: A book recommendation

  I was reminded of this book today, and I wanted to do a quick blog post about it.

Its titled, SPLITTING: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist.

Its not a faith based book first of all, but I have heard so many GOOD things about it I wanted to mention it.  

It not only can help those that feel their spouse is borderline or narcissist, but also those of you with abusive and difficult ones.  In other words, don't get caught off guard by the labels.


Its a good tool for counselors, lawyers, and individuals in high conflict separations and divorces.


Barbara over at Sanctuary for the Abused quoted from the author:

I wrote SPLITTING after ten years as a divorce attorney representing many fathers (and mothers) whose spouses appeared to have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders or traits. Since I had been a therapist for the previous decade, I recognized these personality problems -- but I did not realize at first how successful they can be at manipulating and confusing legal professionals.

It reminded me of all the people I know that just raved about this book, and how helpful it was to them. 

It doesn't even matter if you’re already somewhere “down the path” with your high-conflict ex, you will find that Splitting:  Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist will be a tremendous help in understanding with whom you’re dealing with.  It is also helpful to show others such as your support system or professionals you are working with.

It will prepare you to better handle what is to come both personally and legally.  It will be instrumental in helping you to understand the motivations of your ex-partner and the expectations of what will surely continue to take place both inside and outside of the court room.

As the saying goes, More tools is your toolbox the more prepared you are! Protection from abuse in regards to yourself and your children often times depend on being prepared. 


I know it was extremely helpful for a friend of mine that was involved in a very ugly custody batter with an convicted abuser.


Domestic violence lawyers or attorneys have also found this book helpful, and I have heard them use this book as a reference point.

You will not certainly die - Its a lie!

Scripture written on Toilet Paper is like False Teachings

Recently, I had a number of people contact me regarding their circumstances that involved abuse.  For whatever reason the email they gave me was returned stating they couldn't delivery my message back to them.

I hope you are still reading, because this post is for you all.

I can't tell you how frustrating at times it is when I get notes from people, and the church doesn't recognize how they have fallen into the trap of 'enabling' sin.  The church sadly has become the sin enabler of the world.  I'm not going to tell you that most of the time their intentions aren't good, because I'm sure they are.  The church does enable, and they don't wish to face that.

What are enablers?  You will see people wanting to help, and have the very best intentions with that help.  It goes against the grain of what we have been taught not to 'help' others.  The helping is NOT the issue, but the form of helping is.

For example, you have friends or relatives that know an addict has spent all their money on their addiction of choice.  Then they don't have the money to pay rent, and plead for help.  Their friends or family either will pay that rent for them, or have the addict move in with them so rent won't be issue in the future.

Helping someone in times of trouble is NOT what I'm referring to here.  I'm speaking more about 'helping' them get out of trouble due to a repeating pattern of sinful behavior.

Enablers tend to make excuses for the addict.  Lets say the addict is stealing from the person they live with, and the person can't bring themselves to 'throw them out' because they would be homeless at that point.

Another example may be they will continue to give them money, because they are afraid of what they may do to get it otherwise.  I remember reading a story about some parents that were afraid their child would sell their body if they didn't.

Its easy to look from outside, and say to these people you must take a firmer stand.  Its easier to say "I won't put UP with that!"

Is the enabler part of the problem at this point?  Yes of course.  When the enabler stops their behavior does that make the addict stop their behavior?  No. You are talking two different dynamics here.

Domestic Violence and the Church

I'm contacted so often about how the church places people's safety and well being on the back burner, and places the marriage to the forefront.  In Matthew 6:²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

God's people are more important, and we are NOT placed on the back burner in his eyes.

Sabbath Was Made for Man

When I spoke about Mark 2.  Christ’s application of the Sabbath laws are very interesting. Technically…He broke the standards of the Sabbath Law as they were understood by the Legalists. To the accusations against Him Jesus said,

Mark 2:27
{2:27} And he said unto them, The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath

I was reading a story from a man that was speaking about how the church teaches the laws of marriage and divorce - than of course remarriage.


To me this story made sense of how ridiculous we can get when  we are to rigid with no mercy. 

It can be said that man wasn’t made for the Law, but the Law made for man. Divorce is a stipulation of the Law. So too, like the Sabbath regulations, man wasn’t made to abide by divorce Law, but divorce Law was made for man.

How does this work? By principle. Divorce laws provided equity and justice in the dissolution of marriages. The writing of divorcement protected women from abuse and exploitation. In the New Covenant we are not bound by the Law. However, the principles of God’s Law are still very much alive. If a woman or her children are being abused physically, emotionally, or psychologically we should consider the Law’s purpose…the protection of women. The door swings both ways…sometimes it’s the protection of men.

Let’s say a woman or her children are being abused by her husband but he hasn’t committed adultery (or at least there isn’t any evidence for adultery). Under the traditional interpretation of biblical divorce laws this woman is forced to stay with this abuser…if she divorces him she is expected to live a single life with her children. If she remarries the church is forced to classify HER as an adulteress and dis-fellowship her. Should she seek a divorce and desire to remarry a godly man not only has she been abused by her ex-husband, but now she’s spiritually abused by the church…when she’s done nothing wrong. One thing I’ve noticed…the Legalist’s interpretation puts the victim in bondage and empowers the abuser. For example…

When we look at this man's comment about how Divorce Law was made for man - you have to stop and realize due to our sin this law was needed.  We speak of the world and how they try to find loop holes in things, and yet when Christians do not side with mercy, compassion, grace, etc but use the law ARE we NOT doing the same THING?

The Sabbath's intent was to be of service to the man, and not man created for the purpose of keeping the sabbath, no matter what. The sabbath is to serve the man, not man supposed to serve the sabbath.

Are we to follow the law in extreme fashions that we do empower abusers, and leave victims in bondage?  It seems we can't LOOK at circumstances, and use the discernment skills that the Lord has given us.  We ask ourselves is separating this couple biblical?  When we clearly see people being harmed why is it we struggle with what we know is right?

Why we question what is moral and ethical shows how we place the law before mercy - and in this case humans.  The law served no one - not the family nor the abuser.

We use the law to say things are 'biblical', and yet use no common sense or compassion towards them.  If that were correct way Jesus would be scolding those eating on the Sabbath, and not telling the extremists to basically GET WITH IT and GET REAL!

The strangest part to me?  Christians sit and struggle with the above story.   Do remember a while ago that Saddleback church got themselves into hot water, because of comments about this 'struggle'?

"I wish there were a third [reason for divorce] in Scripture, having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse," Holladay said. "There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, 'If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.'"

Do you know WHY these people struggle?  They place the law above all else.  They don't feel the freedom like Jesus did when he told his followers to eat the grain on the Sabbath, and how they were NOT doing anything wrong!

When men can't see what Jesus pointed out in this story?  They are not the leaders that they claim to be.  When people STRUGGLE with the thought having to leave families 'as is', because they realize the abuse that is happening...then side on 'law' instead of common sense and mercy?  They are going the same thing the Pharisees did in the story. 

It reminds me of the story in the bible about the master and his servants, and how he left on trip giving three of them 'talents' to work with in his absence.  The story is in Matthew 25:14-30.  As a small child this story kind of scared me, because at times I would do what was 'safe'.  I was so afraid of failing, and being reamed for this - and that I could picture myself placing those talents in the ground myself.  I would watch the others make a profit, but would be to scared to take that risk myself.

As I grew into maturity I realized there are times in which you must take a risk for the betterment.  We all must use discernment in circumstances, because one size doesn't always fit all.  Mr. Holladay like many others bury their talents in the ground, because its the 'safe' thing to do as they see it.  They 'wish' there was some form of rescue or mercy for abused parties.  WHY they feel that leaving victims in abusive circumstances would be 'biblical' is mind blowing.

You might think that fear and suspicion will keep you out of trouble, but really they’ll just cause you suffering and pain.  It this case?  For everyone involved.  You don’t need fear to avoid being a gullible idiot; for that you just need common sense.  To live a life of abundance, you must ultimately move beyond fear and work to create abundance for others.  Otherwise you’ll ultimately be cast out as worthless.

Mark 2:27
{2:27} And he said unto them, The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath.

The Passing of Danni Moss - Because It Matters

Its with a heavy heart, and deep sadness that I wanted to inform everyone of the passing of Danni Moss.  She had been struggling her illness (recurring cancer) for sometime, and finally passed away yesterday.

I had been out of commission for a host of reasons recently, but felt drawn to post of the loss of Danni.

Because it Matters was her blog, and her writing style and viewpoints will be greatly missed.  The link I supplied is part of her story of attempting to grasp how to deal with domestic violence within the church, and how the church in her circumstance - along with many others - just didn't know what to do about it.

I was surprised to find that my pastors would not stand against the abuse in my marriage, even when they knew I was telling the truth about it.  The first time I left Gary, my pastors (SBC church) were shocked at my accusation of abuse.  They did not believe me.
 
I later learned that apparently a huge percentage of women who leave their husbands claim abuse as the reason.  Abuse is a nice hot-button word that, at one time perhaps, engendered automatic horror and sympathy.  Now (and perhaps always, I don’t know) there is so much concern that accusations might be false pastors “err on the side of caution” and are more likely to disbelieve an accusation of abuse than to take it seriously.

The church provided counseling from an elder who was also a professional certified counselor.  In our first session, which was when I told Gary I was leaving him (he didn’t know before then because I was afraid of him) the counselor got to see his anger.

However, Gary’s facade never completely cracked in public in 20 years of marriage.  Only one time did he ever reveal his rage to someone outside his own family (wife and children) and that was to his sister.  But to her it was a one-off anomaly.  For us it was a way of life.  When I tried to tell counselors about his anger they discounted it, thinking I meant “anger” in the way we all sometimes get angry.  By anger I meant uncontrolled rage.  But if I used the word “rage” with counselors they just heard “anger” and discounted it.

Danni speaks of the roadblocks that are placed in front of the victim of domestic violence.  She speaks on how they err on the side of caution, and when you speak of the uncontrolled rage how they discount it.

Properly trained counselors do know how to go about seeking truth compared to falsehood.  I do believe that since the church has a motive of keeping marriages together at all costs they ignore parts of that training.  I have to wonder at times if some of them get trained in that area at all.

I have seen and read numerous calls for help, and how people speak of this uncontrolled rage - and it was also ignored and discounted.  Most of the time people are told to concentrate on their sin, and then try to find that sin to focus on to get the point across.

So many times I have seen online people being told they have to do this because their spouse isn't there to give the other side to the story, and yet in Danni's case the same treatment was given when that other side was clear to everyone.  He was there and showed his true colors up close and personal.

This counselor knew these things were happening in our home; I told him everything.  He said he believed me.  In hindsight though, as a licensed counselor, he either did not believe me or he deliberately chose to violate the law because he did not report it to the authorities.  I didn’t know then that he was legally required to report abuse if he was told about it.

But his attitude was the same as I found from every other Christian counselor (except the one who did report my husband).  Saving the marriage was their only consideration.  This first church counselor told me that I had no grounds for a divorce, period.  I started proceedings toward divorce because, while he was crying on everyone’s shoulders in public, in private Gary was threatening to charge me with child abuse, to take the children and run out of state, to cut me off financially, etc.  I consulted with several professionals and they told me my only protection was to get a divorce.

When the church places 'grounds for divorce' ahead of personal safety I have to wonder if they have totally lost their prospective that Jesus would have them see.   When legally you are told that the only way you can protect yourself and your child/children is divorce to escape domestic violence why does the church see 'saving the marriage' as their only consideration.

Laws are different all over the place, and yes at times your only protection is filing.  You are placed between a rock and a hard place when you throw your faith into this reality.  The church will claim you don't have forgiveness in your heart, and your hard heart is the real issue.  The true reason for these actions are completely ignored, because they see no biblical reason for the divorce. 

When you are told that God stands for truth, mercy, grace, love, etc. ? When you are told how and why Jesus died on the cross for us?  It boggles the mind of everyone 'outside the church' and YES some of us 'inside' that people use legalism instead of plain common sense.  You don't tell people to stay in harms way when they ask for help, and yet this is what is encouraged.

The church doesn't help the family, nor the abuser in this instance.  You have to wonder WHY they feel justified?!

However, I told the counselor and my pastors that I would stop the divorce if Gary gave any indication of repentance.  The pastors and counselor promised they would keep that qualification a secret.  After winning me back with an amazing repentance performance (that I didn’t realize until years later was all private – he never acknowedged publically that he had done anything wrong) Gary slipped and told me one of the pastors had told him I would drop the divorce if he repented.  Still later, he denied it.  But how would he have even come up with such a statement in the first place if the pastor hadn’t told him?


In this first separation, the church denied the reality of the abuse in my home, failed to report the abuse allegations to the authorities, and betrayed my confidence to Gary, enabling him to manipulate me back into the marriage with their support and blessing.

This is another factor I see all to often.  The 'means to the end' to keep that family together.

They don't wish to deal with the sin directly, but manipulate factors to accomplish their goal.  Is it any wonder why the divorce rates are the same as the world's?  The church will blame the parties within the marriage, and yet ignore their own portion of it.

Its like a weed in your yard.  You can see the weed, and pull out the surface along the grass line.  As you know unless you find the root to remove - the weed will grow back.  I hear all to often about the parties 'lack of faith', or 'belief in truth'.  Why they can't acknowledge their 'means to the end' shows just that is beyond me!

The second time I separated from Gary the pastors of my church (the same church) did believe me.  I had started telling them things were slipping back into old patterns within a couple years of our previous separation.  By “old patterns” I was talking about the physical violence.  It wasn’t until about the time I left him for the final time that I acknowledged the verbal abuse was just as serious a problem.

Four years after our first separation, I took our oldest son, J, to a Christian counselor recommended by a pastor friend (who later became our pastor).  My goal was for us to learn how not to push Gary’s buttons and cause his anger and violence – I still didn’t understand that Gary was responsible for his own anger and rage choices.

When I told the counselor what was happening, culminating in Gary punching J in the stomach in front of neighbor children when I was away from home, she told me she would talk to J to see what he said, but if he said the same thing I had, she was required by law to report Gary to the authorities.  And she did.

Even though my pastors believed me the second time, I was clearly told they would do nothing.  Well, to be specific, the senior pastor called me into his office for a meeting.  He told me that he believed it could be that I had no choice but to get a divorce (which I was not pursuing at that time) if Gary did not repent of his abuse.  But at the same time he told me not to tell anyone he had said so – which I correctly interpreted to mean he wasn’t going to say so in public or make any move to stand up for us.

Keeping up appearances, and making a half hearted attempt to deal with reality is yet another roadblock.

Dealing with abuse of any kind is ugly, and there are never any good answers.

The church will acknowledge the the spouse can't change the other spouse, but the follow up in how to deal with that reality is sorely lacking.  Pray for a miracle, and just do your part is normally the pat answer.  You are then set a drift to do this on your own.  Some things are just to dirty to deal with for the church, and they wonder WHY people feel betrayed?!

They guilt trip the party that is clearly asking for help, and yet never confront and deal with the abusive party.  You are told to come and ask for help when you need it, and yet you are handed basically nothing.  Acknowledgment, Validation, and even someone saying 'I don't know how to help you' would go a long way, and yet that would go against the appearance they need to give. You are asked to walk on eggshells around this person, and somewhat told they 'know its wrong' without truly STATING it like they need to.

Gary did not want us to have anything to do with the counselor who reported him to the authorities, telling me our former counselor discredited her (I never heard it directly from the source but I believed him at the time).  I didn’t trust the counselor from our church that we had previously, based on what had come out of that experience.

A close friend and mentor offered to provide counseling.  She was not a Baptist (which was a positive factor to me by that time) and I had seen God use her, so I trusted her.  She was not a professional counselor but had majored in counseling in some capacity in school.

However, she did not believe I should have separated from Gary.  In her theology that was never acceptable since it was “putting asunder” what God had joined.  This was lack of godly submission on my part.  In our 4-5 sessions she focused on me during all but one.  She never believed me about the abuse or violence.  And after just a few sessions she told me “God said” it was time for us to get back together.

Nothing had been addressed.  Gary never had to acknowledge what he had done and he definitely came out of that separation believing he had been vindicated.  My heart shattered in a million pieces.  But I obeyed her because that’s what I’d always been taught to do. 

Enabling is yet another tool in the chest to keep the marriage together at all costs.

The authorities and church will acknowledge that abuse is happening, and yet you don't 'put asunder' what God has joined.  Don't deal with the sin, and ask the victims to 'submit more'.  When a broken person doesn't have to admit their actions?  When nothing is dealt with?  Where is the incentive for the sinful behaviors to stop?  Where is his incentive to become the man that God would wish him to be?  Where is the support the whole family needs during this trial that the church claims THEY will be there for?

Due to the fact Danni 'obeyed' as she had been taught?  To the church it shows the 'lie' they assumed was there.  It wasn't that bad.  No one sees how victims get nailed if they leave (sin), or if they stay when told they must (SEE it wasn't that bad afterall!).

Gary convinced the social worker that I had taught J to be rebellious.  He convinced the social worker and everyone else who would listen that J was so violent and rebellious that he (Gary) was only defending himself and standing up for his honor when he hit his son on a very regular basis.  No one would listen to me when I tried to tell them J was responding back to his father in exactly the same tone of voice, profanity, and attitude that his father used toward him.  The people in Gary’s required anger management course told him if their son back-talked them they’d hit him, too.

For the remainder of our marriage, Gary believed it was his right to hit back “in self defense, to stand up for himself as a man”, physically or verbally, every time he could egg one of the boys into a fight. And he was usually the one doing the “egging” – he just didn’t swing first, so he could say he never “started it.”

This incident cemented J’s hardness toward God because the church and the system that was supposed to protect him, blamed him.  He knew from then on, his father would always be believed and he would be the “bad guy.”  It happened over and over.  My health broke down due to the stress at this point.

The church also forgets about the children.

I don't know how many times articles about how children are better off with 'two' parents are placed out there to encourage you not to divorce or separate.  They stress the damage you are going to do to the children.

Abusers don't just target their spouses.  The abusive behaviors they refuse to acknowledge within the homes, and the pressure to 'keep together' are damaging the children.  Children don't even have to be direct targets of the abuse for them to be effected, and yet no one will go there.

When children start to break under the pressure of the abusive environment once again the abuser gets off.

People tend to take the path of less resistance.  Its easier to blame the parent and children than it is the abuser directly.  Who is more likely to 'bow' to their pressure?  The frighten people or the abuser they know will ignore them?

I wanted to believe that this time the reconciliation would be different.  I desperately wanted it to be OK.  If more submission was the problem then that’s what I wanted to do.  But I couldn’t understand why his abuse and violence were always excuseable.  Why was his anger always excuseable but no one else was allowed to have any emotions other than delight in his every thought or expression – even the nastiest ones?

After our second separation, we ended up changing churches for reasons unrelated to our marital issues.  We went back to a church we had attended the first couple years of our marriage.  Through one thing and another the pastors of this church were aware of our marital situation through the intervening years.

It didn’t take long before they began to see problems with Gary themselves.  This was surprising to me because no other pastor had ever bothered to pay attention enough to see problems.  They proved for themselves that he was a liar, manipulative and controlling; this had nothing to do with our marriage or family issues.

When Gary’s anger, rage and literal expressions of hatred toward me increased while I was sick after chemo I realized it was never going to end.  This time I didn’t attempt counseling.  I knew what would happen; it had all happened before.  I also felt that God was very specifically leading me to get a divorce - an assertion that has gotten me a lot of flack.  But I’ve been listening to that voice for a long time; I know what it sounds like.  I had also told Gary after the second separation that if he escalated again I would get a divorce.  And that’s what I did.

However, when I told my pastors I was getting a divorce I was surprised to find they were not supportive – even though they knew I was telling the truth.  But one pastor said, while I might need to get a divorce for the safety of myself and my children, I could never remarry since there was no known sexual adultery.  I have no idea whether Gary’s subsequent remarriage would change his opinion about this.  The other pastor said I had no grounds for divorce since there was no known sexual adultery – regardless of the abuse going on in our home. The logic which would allow him to kill me but not have sex with someone else escapes me.

You would think people would grasp that this woman needed help if her husband was even this cruel as she struggled with her chemo treatments, and fought to survive.

Instead of support that was clearly needed to escape a dangerous person?  She receives speeches about how she can't marry again, and how she doesn't have 'grounds' for divorce biblically.  No one stepped up to give her other alternatives, and her and the children were set adrift.  The 'world' sees this type of behavior, and is it any wonder WHY they question things?

The church looks like a bunch of fools (rightfully so), and yet makes excuses that the world hates them and reminds themselves that Jesus told them they would.  They don't grasp that they are not showing the world the values they claim they represent.  When Jesus told his disciples that other people would know that they were His disciples because of their love for one another (John 13:35), He was telling them about the main characteristic of a true Christian.  As in Danni's circumstances and many others that love for one another to me isn't present, and what the world is sensing as well.  Instead of acknowledging this?  Well all we have to do is read more of her story....

I was very hurt by this, even though I understood why they said the things they did and they weren’t ugly or mean about it.  What pastors (speaking in general of all the pastors I had) don’t realize is that when they don’t stand up for abuse victims, by default they stand up for the abuser.  The victim needs the protection of the church leadership at least standing up to say, “this person is getting a divorce with cause.  We know about it, we know the details, and we agree the cause is valid.”

Even if they don’t give details, taking a stand for abuse victims when asked keeps the abuser from poisoning people against the victim — which will happen, guaranteed.  It happened with me and really hurt that Gary went around telling people a variety of lies about me and muddied the water.  I still do not feel completely comfortable in that church because I know there are people there who see me the way Gary painted me, even without realizing it.

I realize that churches at times don't see this part, and at times like alot of the dynamics they don't wish to see.  They to often sprinkle spiritual pixie dust around, and hope it just goes away.

When it doesn't and the marriage fails we see the bolded portion of what she quoted on her facebook page.

I'm a 40-something single mom starting over after 20 years of marriage. I'm loving learning to be myself; life is so interesting and fun! I'm an information sponge and endlessly curious about everything, so school suits me to the core.

I've been in school the past couple years, pursuing a degree in psychology. This was mostly a second choice, since I had basically faced the reality that I was not going to be acceptable in church - and my passion is to bring healing to hurting Christians.

However, over the past year I have gradually come to realize that I don't have to settle for second choice. I have finally found a church home where I can have a place and be fully accepted. I have also found a Bible college whose theology I can agree with where I can train for full-time ministry. So I am trusting for provision to be able to go that direction.

It seems to me at times if you can't go along with the program, and use denial - pretend things are like this - etc. you are treated like the leper in church.  It amazes me how the church will step up and out for causes such as abortion, homosexuality, etc because they feel they are called to do so.  When it comes to the dynamics that tear apart families apart they remain silent if truly look at what they have to offer.


That is the part that I felt betrayed by the most.  When you have tragic circumstances in your life, and you find their formula isn't addressing your safety concerns?  The grace Christians claim they give because Jesus called them to isn't present.  Some people get mad at God, but its not God that did this.  God would not allow people like Danni to feel unacceptable in his eyes - humankind is the one to blame for that.  They just use God as their excuse.

Danni I feel Jesus was speaking of you when he said:

"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you.  If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you."  (John 15:18-19)

Jesus chose you, and you are now finally out of pain.  You will be missed!

So why will pastors not take a stand for the abused within their churches?

One, they don’t want to make a mistake in taking sides.  If an abuser denies the allegation of abuse, they are afraid not to believe him (or her).  However, from the first separation I begged my pastors to follow the Mt. 18 pattern for church discipline.  But they wouldn’t do it and follow through to the final step of withdrawing fellowship.  The problem with this is, when pastors will not “take sides” they are taking sides.  They are taking the side of evil and leaving the abused abandoned in their abuse.  The hurt of this is overwhelming!

Pastors are also afraid of creating division in the church.  This is the ostrich approach to the issue, I suppose.  Unfortunately, the Bible says that those who sin are to be rebuked publicly so others will see and fear.  The silence of the church on the issue of abuse is contributing to its continued growth because abusers are affirmed in their behavior.  So by saying nothing pastors are “calling evil good” and enabling evil to continue.

The big one though is that pastors don’t want to be guilty of “putting asunder” what God has put together.  They take one statement by God (repeated two or three times in the Bible) out of the context of the whole and elevate it above every other consideration.  As I outlined in my article on the theology of an abusive marriage, the Bible has more to say about the issue of abuse.  Besides the little bit in that article, there is even more Scripture has to say about marriage and abuse as well.  But seminaries and Bible colleges don’t teach the rest of the Word on the subject of marriage.

I suspect when pastors fail to take a stand against abuse in marriages, they are afraid of either making a mistake that would earn them God’s wrath or they are afraid of gaining the disapproval of church members who have the power to ruin their careers. 

Until something changes, abuse will abound in Christian marriages.  The Bible does have an answer for the issue of abuse and that answer isn’t silence and denial.

 I do hope the family decides to keep her blog up for others to read.  She did bring healing to hurting Christians - her passion!

I pray that pastors can humble themselves enough to read some of her story and insights.  I hope they can take the pain she and her children had to deal with, and learn to change how they approach this subject.  Was the heat that she was asked to take justified so the church didn't have to deal with some?

As tears stream down my face I ask for prayers especially for her young daughter that will now have to live with him full time.   Danni's family will be in my prayers, and I hope they will find ways of protecting that young child.  I pray for Gary as well so that he may find healing for himself, and be the man that God wishes him to be.

For me Danni - one hurting Christian you have touched ....Thank YOU!  Your love and passion for God and for the world didn't go unnoticed.  I hope your wisdom in your blog is used in the future so that others don't have to deal with the pain of domestic violence within the church as well.

A quote she enjoyed ... "A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for everyone else." -- heard on a kids show, of all places.  I think that fits her to a tea! 

Fashions in bigotry come and go. The right thing lasts.

I was reading some interesting comments when a poster asked a group of women WHY feminism is so scary to the church.  I will be honest the thought had crossed my mind a couple of times myself.  The topic when raised can be very heated, and before you know it all these extremes come out.  I don't call myself a feminist personally.  It seems if you speak to some women in the church they will tell you that they feel the Suffragists are fine.  The ladies of the 1960's are a totally different story.

There is one thing I did notice is that they truly aren't educated on how much those women suffered during the suffrage movement.

I do not have too much of a problem with the first feminists. Many of them were pro-life, pro-mother, and did not view SAHM as the realm of the stupid, uneducated, and oppressed. I do not think there is anything unBiblical with women voting, or women receiving pay equal to men doing the same job, nor with women being educated, protected from abuse, and treated with care and honor by men. If some men of that era hadn't believed the same, and acknowledged that the suffragists were right, feminism would have fizzled, unless they were prepared for an armed coup.

At times I truly wonder if women (and men for that matter) ever truly look at history.  At the time they speak of society believed that educating women (suffragists) was a waste of time and energy.  Were there 1960's feminists that felt the stay at home mom was stupid, uneducated and oppressed?  I'm sure there were some of those of course, but to me it was more about having the same choices.  There were still barriers that were there due to fear of letting women in, and wanting them to stay in their place.  They didn't want them in the workforce to work along of men for example.

I was a child at the time, and I remember this triggered me when it came to myself NOT being allowed to play baseball of all things.  Why?  I was a girl afterall!  My mother cut my hair super short, and it was shorter than the boys hair at the time.  Guess who had to wear swimcap, and it wasn't due to 'long hair causes plumbing issues in pools'.  It was because I was girl.  I wanted to stand up and show them all their stupid rules in place stopped my choices!  I was just as good a baseball player as the boys, and my hair was SHORTER!

Restricted Area

Have you ever noticed the 'restricted areas' within the christian faith?  In the Harry Potter books his school library had what they called the 'restricted area'.  It was the section where the bad magic was referenced in the books, and other unsavory parts of that world were held that you were not to go near.  You were only allowed to go there when you had permission, and only for the STRICTEST of reasons.  YES I read those books while I was home on bed rest after an operation, and needed some fantasy entertainment as I laid there bored out of my skull!  I needed something MINDLESS!  (giggles)

In the books the major EVIL character most referred to as 'you know who', because they didn't even wish to mention his name.  He represented everything and evil, ugly and bad about life.  People avoided even speaking about him at all, and as sure you might have guessed Harry Potter did have to deal with Voldemort (you know who) in every book.  Harry would mention Voldemort's name, and everyone would freak out and say, 'DON'T SAY THAT NAME!"  Voldemort was part of their 'restricted section' within their world.

So what is within the 'restricted section' within the bible?  Its not so much you can't read it, but to me at times you can't really dive into these areas with questions.

I want to use 1 Peter 3-7 as an example today.

1 Peter 3:1-6 ISV  In a similar way, you wives must submit yourselves to your husbands so that, even if some of them refuse to obey the word, they may be won over without a word through your conduct as wives  (2)  when they see your pure and reverent lives.  (3)  Your beauty should not be an external one, consisting of braided hair or the wearing of gold ornaments and dresses.  (4)  Instead, it should be the inner disposition of the heart, consisting in the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great value in the sight of God.  (5)  After all, this is how holy women who set their hope on God used to make themselves beautiful in the past. They submitted themselves to their husbands,  (6)  just as Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him lord. You have become her daughters by doing good and by not letting anything terrify you.

I want to say something first about this verse.  I have seen this happen.  A wife that was respectful, and honoring to her husband - even thought he was disobedient to the word.  Her behavior did contribute to him being won over, and learning to grow as a Godly man.

Does your church feel safe to you?

I was pleased today when I found an article on CBMW about Defenders of Women.  It speaks of the insecurity that some women feel about approaching the church when they truly need help.  When they truly need to be validated, and supported.  One of the stories within the article showed how legalistic people can be, and pretty much throws common sense to the wind.

After several years of being battered, I was finally divorced from my husband. I began attending a church and became a Christian. When I talked to the pastor about church membership, his major concern seemed to be whether I had obtained a "scriptural" divorce.

He did not tell me how glad he was that I had managed to stay alive; or how brave I had been to protect my children all those years by deliberately bringing my husband's wrath down on my head whenever I saw him heading for one of my children. He didn't tell me how great it was that I had finally found the courage to leave.

To be honest with you?  I don't understand this.  You are talking to someone that has just escaped a dangerous circumstance, and his first priority was it make sure her escape to safety was scriptural?  Seriously!  That makes no sense to me!

Do you know WHAT that says to people?  My grace towards your situation is conditional upon a couple MORE questions from YOU!  I realize you mentioned you and your children were terrified, but I need to make sure you did this right first! 

Feminism Culprit for families breaking up?

How is THAT for title to catch some attention? The Council of Biblical Manhood & Womanhood I guess felt it was a GREAT title for a report that basically didn't say what the titled claimed!  Why use it then?  I suppose because its one of the 'pet' evils they like to rally behind, because the report they speak about doesn't say it.  How about website rating?  Attention getter of other types?

They tell you that your title should have SOMETHING to do with your piece that you write overall, but it would seem to me it was more of a attention getter instead.

The actual report they speak about, but don't link to within their article is called 'The Good Childhood Inquiry'.  That is another question I had!  Why not link to the actual report instead of a newspaper article that they took their quotes from instead of the report?  I mean they suggest quoting from the report, and then state in a around about way it was actually quoting from the newspaper article.  Why not quote from the source itself?  I would assume because the report doesn't agree with claims they love to put out there!

As mentioned towards the bottom of the article CBMW titled 'Feminism the Culprit for Family Breakup? A Controversial UK Study Says So' - no the Study doesn't say what they claim on the title.  Enquiring minds do wish to know WHY they would use that title!  I mean they claim FIRST the articles 'Says so', and then near the bottom it says 'does not establish a causal link between feminism and the destruction of the family' EVEN suggestively as they claim!