Crazy Love and Domestic violence

Leslie Morgan Steiner has a video about, “Crazy Love”.  I enjoyed it because she approached the subject of domestic violence in a some what different manner than most.  Keep in mind the video is only 15 minutes long, and she can’t touch on everything.  You can see by the comments on the TED website that some found her short approach refreshing, and others felt she left to much out.

 

I wanted to take parts of what she said, and maybe glance at why some just don’t see (victims and non victims) the ‘crazy love’ as she put for what it is.  Victims no matter whom they are – male, female, child – should be able to identify with parts or all of it.

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times. The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.

Let’s stop to think about the words, ‘crazy love’ just for a moment.  I realize that isn’t a biblical term, but it is a good definition of the type of love you see in relationships with domestic violence.  You have abusers that tell their victims they are the worse type of person, and that is why they abuse.  Then you have the victim that feels the need to fix, and views the abuser as a soul mate type of individual. 

 

Keep in mind I don’t wish to place those descriptions into a box, and that I’m generalizing here!  Abusers have all kinds of reasons as to WHY they do what they do.  Victims may not feel the ‘soul mate’ part, but do feel love for them.

 

The problem I see is most don’t recognize the word ‘crazy’ in front of the word love, and the reason it was placed there.  Its not just the victims or abusers that don’t clue into the concept, but also general society as well.  All we have to do is look at how to many in society – within the church or out – respond to domestic violence.

 

Let glance at how this ‘crazy love’ begins:

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me. We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.

What abusers tend to do is make this person feel very special, and I never thought about the part of creating them to be the ‘dominant’ partner in the relationship.  Keep in mind it isn’t the type of dominant we normally hear about.  Remember the word “CRAZY” here! 

 

What is the crazy part?  Remember in her story he idolized all that she was and did.  Abusive personalities then concentrate on breaking down the ‘dominant’ traits they felt so lovely before.  I guess they feel that is what makes them dominant, and yet all that they loved about that person to begin with is gone.  They end up frustrated, and the victim completely destroyed.  No one wins, and everyone loses.

 

Its all part of the dance.  We can all look back at abusive relationships, and recognize the idolizing part afterwards.  It’s not so easy to see at the time, because the early stages of falling in love tends to be described as:   sweep them off their feet.  In healthy relationships the ‘adoring’ part stays, but you aren’t so easily sweep up in the moment anymore.  You move on to the next stage of working on the whole of your relationship, and you grow to love the person more and more in different ways.  It’s different, but still awesome.  Your firm foundation is present, and now its time to build up and out from there.

 

Before I go on lets picture a group of small children, and one of the children just received a new toy that they love.  Their whole world at that point revolves around this new possession that is all theirs!   This type of thinking is normal for a young child, and at times they can get very possessive of it.   They don’t want to share it, and no one can touch or play with it.  They might do something to it, or break it, or change it in a way that they don’t like!  Along comes their friend to see what all the excitement is about, and they aggressively pushed away.  “It’s MINE!” you hear screamed.  We have all seen this scene played out at one time or another.  Then you have caregiver or parent come and attempt to teach the child the what's, whys, and how's of sharing, and learning to be better friend.

 

In abusive relationships you see similar dynamics.  What may seem like early stages of being swept off you feet now turns into a reality of YOU being their possession.  Think of a young child with a favorite NEW toy in which they refuse to share with others.  The difference is you no longer have a caregiver or parent to enforce how their behavior and attitude is wrong.  After all, they are an adult at this point. 

 

In healthy relationships you can point this out, but in abusive relationships such statements are returned with violence.   It’s similar to the dynamic of the young child being told by another child that they need to share their new toy, and they refuse to.  You don’t have someone helping them realize this is a immature trait that leads to selfishness.  You are ‘theirs’ and they will do what they will with you.  A young child can be taught, but abusive person will remind you they will do what they want, when they want, and how they want.  If you don’t like it?  Tough!

 

Most people will attempt to ‘reason’ with such a circumstance, and sadly that is when the abuse escalates to very scary levels.  Since you are no more than a possession to them they do not realize the irrational nature of their behavior.  What they do realize once they have calmed down there is the distance between them and their victim.  Their response to that distance isn’t rational either. 

 

They will then use your ‘dominant’ position within the relationship against you, and then manipulative the past to make them look like the ‘true’ victim.  They need your help since they were the abused child of the stepfather, and they FOUGHT all their life to get where they are now.  YOU are their partner, and if you love them enough you will help them evolve.  You will help them to get your level of ‘dominance’.   Yes, it’s a crazy type of dominance as well.  It’s a brand new definition that Webster’s dictionary hasn’t even considered yet.

 

They will pick one trait at a time (most of the time anyway) that they ‘loved’ in the past, and demand that it be altered or stopped all together.  This trait is the cause of all the tension within the relationship.  They will point out that you look ‘stuck up’ or ‘better than everyone else’ when this trait is present.  That mysteriously turns into how the world sees it the same way they do, but they were brave enough to finally point it out to you.  How you were lucky that they were gracious enough to live with it up until this point, and they had every right to finally SNAP!  YOU are just to uppity to admit it.

 

This is also the time they start to use all those secrets that were revealed in that ‘magically atmosphere’ of trust in the beginning of the relationship.  After all, they were not the only ones that were sharing during that time of excitement.  Those secrets between the two of you at one time were received with empathy, compassion, and love.  It now is being used against you, and to make you feel badly about yourself.

 

I will use an example in this case.  As I have written about myself in the past I wasn’t given much guidance in certain areas growing up.  Lets pretend for now it was in the area of cleaning up the house.  Now in the beginning of the relationship I might have shared that I felt inadequate because I didn’t know how to do something in regards to cleaning the house.   How I try my hardest now – because under the surface it makes me feel better. 

 

In response your new partner makes you feel so much better about this aspect of your past, and they will love you EVEN if it were true – which of course they believe its not.  They see you as one of the tidiest people they know in so many areas, and they will be there to remind you about those – and always make you feel better.  I know silly example, but lets use to get view the principal here!  The basic point is everyone has tender spots, and insecurities in some areas. 

 

In a healthy relationship you realize the lines in the sand with your spouse or partner that you do not cross.  You don’t cross them, and you realize your spouse wouldn’t either.  I’m not saying in times of tension humans aren’t tempted to, because we are all capable of this.  If we value the relationship on any level?  We realize the trust that would be destroyed on some level if we crossed that line during the uproar.  It’s basic respect of any relationship.  That’s not to say you might not say something else hurtful or stupid, but you also know where the lines are drawn.

 

The abusive person sees no line in the sand, except when it comes to them.  You are the child’s toy in our story above, and as their possession there is no need for boundaries.   So there is nothing wrong with reminding you that since you grew up NOT knowing how to clean a house that lets just face facts here – you a slob when it comes to 98% of things you do in life!  It’s the truth, and they shouldn’t have to hide it!  Notice they don’t just use the ‘house’ only, but makes sure to include that 98%.  It will be useful for them in the future.  Why?  You were defined as a slob, and they will use it in most areas of disagreement the future as well.  Your secrets are now turned into ammunition.

 

At the same time?  As we see with most con men in life they also have learned the art of manipulation.  The whole entire conversation will again turn to them, and their woes in life.  Some abusive personalities will turn on the water works (tears) at this point, but others use different tactics.  Remember con men have a way of turning their ugly actions around, and make it about the injustices towards them. 

 

That aspect isn’t all that uncommon, and YES there are different ways of doing it.  For example, when Jack Schaap was arrested and jailed within the last year for fooling around with a child.  The parties that he had wrapped around his little finger were the first to say he was one of the most Godly men they knew, and how everyone makes mistakes. 

 

We have one small grain of truth there (everyone makes mistakes), but the overall principal of the sin is completely lost on them.  No doubt it took time and effort for Jack Schaap (or certain circles of the IFB in general) to mold these people to think this way.  Abusive partners do the same thing in some ways.  They have a way of warping reality, and their campaigns of minimizing the abuse is very successful.

 

I think in some ways people in church or in general society have a hard time realizing just about anyone can get taught up in something very ugly and dangerous.  It’s easier to think of others as either totally naïve or stupid then to realize its happened in history to many times to count.  It’s easier to think you are immune, and can’t be manipulated.  In reality its just the opposite.

 

I guess it was interesting to me Leslie’s prospective on being made the dominate person in the relationship.  In reality, she was only speaking of qualities or characteristics of her that were thought to be positive.  Gifts, if you will.  Instead of appreciating those gifts, and realizing its an asset to the relationship?  They are turned into threats of the abuser’s need for dominance and control.  Yes, indeed doing your best to destroy what you claimed you love is a crazy love for sure.  It certainly isn’t the type that Jesus would have us portray towards others.

Jack Schaap Scandal and Heresy

I wrote an article a little while back called, Jack Schaap Fired and then Exposed.  Since that time loyal IFB’ers (Independent Fundamental Baptist) have followed their pattern of the 4 steps of denial that Bruce Gerencser described very well in his article,  The IFB River Called Denial.  They must learn to deal better with this Jack Schaap’s Scandal. 

 

Independent Fundamental Baptist’s Behavioral Steps after Jack Schaap Scandal

First, they deny.  When the Schaap scandal first became public, IFB commenters on blogs and news sites were quick to deny that Schaap had done anything wrong. The accusations were lies and they were certain that Schaap was completely innocent. (IFB pastors are often worshiped like a god)

Second, they marginalize. When they could no longer deny the reality of the Schaap scandal, they turned to letting everyone know that Schaap was a “sinner” just like everyone else and, while his “fall” was regrettable, people should not judge the IFB church movement or First Baptist Church negatively. One bad apple doesn’t spoil the whole bushel. (actually it can)

Third, attack the critics. Instead of owning the scandal, many IFB defenders decided to attack those who reported the scandal or wrote negative things about Schaap, Jack Hyles, First Baptist Church in Hammond, and the IFB.  You can read about one such attack here.

Across the blogosphere, in discussion forums, in blog comments, and emails, the defenders of the IFB have attempted to ameliorate  the scandal by attacking people like me. They can’t dismiss my impeccable IFB credentials so they attack me personally or they dismiss me out of hand because I am an atheist. Why should anyone listen to what I have say, they write. I am a God-hater. I am bitter, angry, have an axe to grind.

They try and discredit the messenger so they won’t have to deal with his/her message. The goal is direct attention away from the facts.

Fourth, if all else fails, attack the victim. Let’s not forget that there is a victim in the Jack Schaap scandal. Schaap’s “sin” was not a victimless one. He had sexual relations with a minor in the church. Some media sites are reporting that the girl was being counseled by Schaap. (in Ohio, such a relationship is illegal)

He isn’t kidding either.  I had over 8000 hits on that article in less than 24 hours, and I received some strange comments – good comments – comments from hurt.  At the time of the Jack Schaap scandal they made comments about how they were NOT going to cover things up like the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State.  Its to be expected that people were reeling over this, and at first WISH To be in denial because it HURTS!  How they handled things afterwards?  There truly is no comparison. 

 

One group (Penn State) seemed to own the sin with growing maturity, and the other reminds me of young teenagers. 

 

The type that is shocked they got caught, and deny everything.  Then they move on to how it is NOT that bad, and how others ‘made’ them do it.  They get mad and defensive at the circumstance, and everyone in connection with it.  I have seen this type of behavior time and time again in YOUNG teenagers, and then they come to a fork in the road for their life.  Do they continue such behavior when caught doing something, or do the own their actions. 

Poem about Emotional Abuse

Poem about Emotional Abuse

In light of Domestic Violence Awareness Month I went back to a poem on emotional abuse, sexual abuse that I wrote one night.  I look at the date of the post - 11/15/07 - and realize how far my life has come.

I wrote it from personal experiences, and those that you hear about often from others.  I have goggle hits on this poem about domestic violence since that date.  It was time of great hurt, frustration, and feelings of being lost.  Why am I the only one that doesn't get it type of thing.

From what I remember about that time I was struggling with how to deal with rages, and then later the push for closeness afterwards.  There was never any discussion, remorse, repentance.  It was the old - forgive and forget.  Act like nothing happened, and lets just go to bed.  If we have to do it another way?  The rage would start again.

I was on a faith board, and a abuse board at the time.  I had been ripped to shreds at the faith board.  I had be told to forgive 7 x 70, and yet the habitual behavior couldn't addressed because it made him mad.  The fact it angered him was enough for them to feel it needs to be left alone.

People too often try to combine trust and forgiveness.  That combination is not a God thing, but a human one.  Its used when they don't know how to deal with evil, and quite frankly don't wish to either.  The result may not fill their formula for a 'happy ending', and fill their testimony wall.

Forgiveness is for the person, and it can bring so much healing.  Trust may never return for a number of reasons.  The two aren't connected no matter how much people want them to be.

There are circumstances in which parties can earn their trust back, but there has to be much humility.  Its not on their time line after all - if there is pressure it takes you back to square one.  It can happen of course.

Then there are times in which trust may never be a good option in certain circumstances.  You can forgive a pedophile, but you wouldn't have them babysit. Its also acceptable to NOT have them in your life anymore as well.  That is just one example of course - you I'm sure can think of others.

Life is full of custom parts and pieces.  God's word is able to work with that. God created our world full of custom parts and pieces after all.

Yes, change can happen when two people are committed and willing to do the work.  Its hard for both parties, but honestly at times I think it is harder for the abusive party.

They have a hard time seeing 'what is in it for them' when they are pretty much get everything now (as they see it anyway) their way.  They have a strange way of not dealing with the pain they are in, and the pain they cause others.  They see no incentive.  When there is no incentive?  Think of the mindset here .... why would they bother?

The one line in the poem, 'You can’t intimidate into intimacy with someone you love' was mentioned to me at the time.  It struck me right between the eyes.  So often you see that happen - be it in churches, or marriages.  You don't have intimacy with intimidation, fear, guilt, manipulation.  They are polar opposites, and yet are encouraged way to often to make things work.

Domestic violence, emotional abuse, sexual abuse are soul crushing experiences.  When I finally had the courage to ask for help?  I told the counselor I wanted my "ME" back.  I lost myself completely, and I would NOT be able to help anything or anyone until 'SHE' returned.  (giggles) Of course a new and improved ME that is!

When you read you can see how people can be completely lost within the realm of abuse.

Thank you Lord for being with me all these years, and helping me find that NEW me!  Thank you for helping me see things more clear, and for giving me the courage to step out
despite my fear.  Thank you for helping me see that I'm not a 'bad' person in anyway, because I see error when others refuse too.  If that makes me a rebel?  THANK YOU For helping me a REBEL!  My journey is not done, and I know you will be there with me for the rest of it.  Thank you for making me feel loved...

If that will make you feel safer to think that then go ahead, but its wrong!

 

So many times I have read people ask, ‘HOW do you respond to someone that asks questions about your abusive relationship?’

 

Goodness knows they have plenty of questions, and some come from a pure heart. 

 

The above comic I choose because it resembles the weird logic people use.    They only believe in their own ‘Just World’ reality.

 

Yes, its frustrating.  Yes, Its hurtful.  When you understand how they are coming to conclusions over your life’s circumstances?  Pray for them, because they need your prayers very badly.

 

Dealing with being a Victim

 

If you read enough comments to articles, forums that deal with people in real life?  The questioning of the hurting seems puzzling, and hard to answer at first.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with questions okay?  Its how they are framed, and what direction they tend to focus on. 

 

The victim blaming or Just World phenomenon starts with questions more geared towards, ‘what did you do that made this happen?’

 

If you are still in an abusive relationship, trying to peal yourself away from one, or even recently left?  You hear some odd comments that you KNOW isn’t as simple as it sounds.    “I would have left!” is a good statement I have said myself!

 

SURE they make sense on the surface, but not when you look at bit deeper. 

 

There must have been red flags…for another example! 

 

In hindsight SURE you can see them clearly, and you also can see the devastation afterwards.   Its hard to go back and be that person at the beginning, because no matter what people say you don’t always have the tools to see things THEY think you should have at the time – or if you had indeed have a hint what it all entailed.

 

Yes, it’s the start of victim blaming.  That is the term some use anyway.

 

We hear people saying all the time, ‘If I knew how things were then I would have made different decisions' or ‘If I knew then what I know now…’.      In these type of general circumstances, for the most part people empathize and leave it alone.  Why?  We have all been there.

 

When you speak of abusive relationships people want to dig deeper most of the time.  They love to play Monday Morning Quarterback! ( One who criticizes or passes judgment from a position of hindsight)

 

Victims are constantly on the defensive anyway, because that is how you stay somewhat safe within the abusive relationship.  The questions people ask make you feel worse, guilty, and at times stupid.

 

When you are made to feel guilty or stupid for the relationship, and victims tend to internalize that WAY to much at the beginning. This is something they learned while living with abuse.  (ie:  Its all your fault)

 

People claim they realize that victims tend to own the lies the abuser tells them, and they take it to heart much to much.  From what I found with abusive personalities it could have a grain of truth, but they will want you to  own the own bushel.

 

What they don’t seem to realize is the counsel is taken much the same way – literally.  They may not wish to hint to others they are stupid, but that is the way they come off.  No, they don’t understand victims.  If they did?  They would be much more careful, and they are not.

Violence Against Women Act Submitted Changes, Phyllis Schlafly and convicted Felon Timothy Johnson Opposed. Surprise Suprise.

VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) is being held up in the two different houses of the USA’s government.   Please Note: This law does not just cover women, but men who are abused are covered as well under this act. 

I hesitated to write about this, because I was confused as to what they were fighting about in congress.  The media is so biased that you can tell which side of the aisle they are on just by their writing style, and its hard to make out what the true issues are.  You can always figure out what their issue is, but you can’t get a straight answer as to what the true issues are.  Politics shouldn’t be played with people’s lifes in this way.

I will first mention some of the changes some members of congress wish to see happen to the VAWA, and end with a “Christian” organization that opposes it altogether.

Domestic Violence: A New Tool To Help

There are times in which its hard to prove domestic violence.  Victims have a hard time standing for themselves for a number of reasons.    I have heard today about a potential tool that could help all involved.  Its called a ALS or Alternative Light Source machine.  There are different ALS machines for different purposes.

 

Strangulation is one aspect of domestic violence that has been hard to prove, because it doesn’t always leave marks.  Waneta Dawn sent me a link on a News Story from USA Today. 

 

States cracking down on strangulation attempts

 

 

 

Attempted strangulation cases have long vexed police and prosecutors seeking stiff penalties for attacks. The act can leave victims close to death, but unlike blows that produce a black eye or broken nose, it generally leaves few, if any, external signs of injury needed to prove a felony assault charge. An attempted murder charge is also hard to sustain in cases where suspects intend to frighten rather than kill. As a result, advocates say, suffocation cases have historically been handled as misdemeanors that don't reflect the act's severity or carry meaningful punishment.

Debra Holbrook of Mercy Medical Center is in the above video, and she speaks about using Alternative Light Source for documented proof of strangulation.   Alternative Light Source is also known as “ALS”.  It has been used in the past for sexual abuse, sexual assault, or rape.  The process reminds me of Luminol.  Instead of the blooding glowing – the popular known use of luminol that you may be familiar with – marks from the strangulation can be seen.  Alternative Light Source or “ALS” you don’t need the chemicals like you do with Luminol.

 

This process takes the ‘he said she said’ option off the table.  It can be done at the crime scene or in the hospital.

 

William Umansky, a Defensive attorney was noted in the USA article to say:

he thought his state's law was flawed because it allows for felony prosecution without objective proof of a victim's injury. He said it gave prosecutors too much leverage to secure guilty pleas.

"Domestic violence is always bad, but the way I see it commonly prosecuted, there's no ligature marks on the woman's throat, no evidence of bruising. Just the verbal allegation, and all of a sudden, there's a felony charge," Umansky said.

The process of Alternative Light Source, or ALS does tend to take ‘doubt’ out of the equation.  As noted in the video Debra Holbrook states bruising is not needed, because the process shows the perpetrators hands on the throat – “they light up like a Christmas Tree!”  This can even happen days later when victims come to the hospital complaining of a sore throat.

 

This has to be a huge validation for the men, women and children that fall victim to strangulation.  This is a new technology designed to detect hard-to-see injuries and has been successfully used to prosecute domestic violence suspects.  ALS or Alternative Light Source is used to detect bruises hidden under a victim's skin.  Forensic Nurse Debra Holbrook states, "you can actually see hand marks, fingerprint marks, on somebody's throat."  Marked Woman is an article in which she goes into detail. 

Holbrook also stresses that women can come to Mercy even if they are not ready to involve the police. In Maryland, healthcare workers are not required to report domestic abuse cases to the authorities. "We're here to help," Holbrook says. "We will collect their evidence. We will take the pictures. Everything we do goes in a locked file, their insurance company won't know, their significant other won't know, their private doctor won't know. It's confidential and when they're ready to report, we can bring all these cases forward and can use them all to help them."

Keep in mind every state or country may be different as far as reporting domestic violence.

This is new technology, and I’m sure not all areas have this to use.  Hopefully, with time it will be more readily available.

 

Get in touch with your hospitals, and local domestic violence agencies to make sure they are aware of Alternative Light Source. 

 

New Use of Technology Shines Light on Strangulation is an article about ALS or Alternative Light Source.

 

Debra Holbrook

 

Power and Control has other medical videos, and is the source of the one I used in today’s video above.

Strangulation is the topic of today, but the same principal could be used for other parts of the body that bruising hasn’t surfaced.

One year of Silence or Ridicule?

It was year ago that I had written about the Freedom for Christian Women Coalition.

With the ‘political’ atmosphere within the church about gender at this point?  I was expecting pretty much silent from the Top Dogs, but I also realized that would encourage their mouth pieces to speak instead.   Silent on that was also very telling.

To me it is a very sad sign about how ‘leadership’ skills are viewed today.  I assumed they would be blown off as unbelievers, feminists, rebellious – you know the labels.  What happens to people when they get labeled by the an organization – even without knowing what they are about?  They don’t have to acknowledge you.  Nice for them huh?  Still waiting for those leadership skills to to appear though.

They have tendency when something is mentioned in a negative light about their approaches?  It isn’t repented of, but silently disappears. 

For example, it was less than year ago that I found out that a video I had uploaded to youtube with John Piper clearly showing his ignorance towards the abuse issue?  His transcript and video vanished from the website.  It was as if it never happened. 

I believe my video upload is the only thing that remains – besides transcripts.  I have it burnt on a DVD as well just in case, because their site clearly states you are allowed to use their work.  Yep.  Documented that as well.

Another tendency I find is what I call the Southern Belle Approach.  They play ignorant to the issues around them on purpose, and play the ‘I don’t understand’ approach when confronted.  You see a proper Southern Belle if they don’t like something or someone?  They don’t say anything in order to be polite, or just play ignorant.  When placed against the wall?  They whip out the name calling, divert off the subject, and blow people off as ‘so confused’.    In the past it was Yanks, Scoundrel, etc.

Just like the Southern Belle?  We know the group isn’t confused, but it goes against the group think to admit it.  If they or their mouth pieces can throw out enough labels that are packed to ignite?  It helps to shut the discussion  so they don’t have to deal with it at all.   The points, organization, or issues brought up?  They are ignored, and those that brought them to light are encouraged to hush or they are also looked upon as enemies.  Ie: labels they use.

Personally?  I find it very cowardly approach.  Its very secular, worldly, fleshy, and unbiblical – take your pick of additional labels they use regularly.

Recently at the SBC convention Frank Page stated:

It is time to come together, he said. "It is time for Baptists to be known for what we are for and not for what we are against." Unified ministry, he said, is one aspect for which he wants Southern Baptists to be known.”

Nice dream, but you have to do something to make that happen, acknowledge where you lost your way.  There is way to much fear and pride to do that, and those are nice words – but meaningless unless they step up.

Then you have Al Mohler who is either playing the Southern Belle, or has what is called a convenient memory.  The Associated Baptist Press ran a story about Mohler’s embarrassment of youth when it was pointed out that he didn’t believe as those within the leadership of his group did on women in the church.

"With the insouciance of youth and with the stupidity of speaking more quickly than one ought, I gave him my position," Mohler recalled. "He looked at me with a look that surprised me, and he simply said to me, 'One day this will be a matter of great embarrassment to you.'"
Mohler said that for him, the embarrassment was immediate.
"I went to the library. I looked for every book that I could possibly find on the subject," he said. "Frankly, the urgency on me was such that I didn't think I could eat or do anything until I found out why I was going to be so embarrassed. The campus was full of people who appeared to be wonderfully unembarrassed about the whole issue."
Mohler said he didn't find much, but there was a book by Stephen Clark titled Man and Woman in Christ that "led me, thankfully, into some Scripture study."
"I ended up staying up until I could figure this out," he said. "Somewhere between Carl Henry saying what he said to me and the dawn of the next day, my position had completely changed."

Most good teachers if they see that there seems to be a misunderstanding (difference of opinion, doctrine, etc), and the teacher was once in their shoes?  They will acknowledge it, and then show what changed their opinion.  Today things have changed, and you either pretend you didn’t hear it – or as Mohler did on his twitter claim regarding his  ‘old belief’ system others still feel is valid are ‘confused and not quite together'.


It also seems that Al Mohler and the CBMW didn’t read the confusing document, because it didn’t come from an Egalitarian group.  Could be his dementia like memory again. 

A decent person would acknowledge the letter, and it would show leadership skills even if there is a disagreement.  Tweeting instead?  It shows immaturity instead.  Seriously.  Children do that kind of stuff.

Do they train people at seminary on how to divert in order to show followers they are wrong, and make it sound like you aren’t doing something deceptive, deceitful, etc?

What happened to all this ‘trust’ that organizations realize has been broken, but say they want to change that…yet you have leaders that play these games.

I believe this was the only response out of all the organizations that were contacted.  A tweet to ridicule.  Nice.

This response and the attitude is rude and very disrespectful.  It’s a prime example of what people within the church speak about when they feel stone walled or ignored.

It’s the same attitude no matter what the subject is, and honestly doesn’t even have to do with the Freedom for Christian Women Coalition.

  It’s a pattern when they don’t like something.  Strange how a church leader feels its acceptable behavior to openly mock others isn’t it?  As others would say, “Scripture Please!”

Some have learned accepted principals of human dignity, and others still refuse to accept or acknowledge them. They tend to get legalistic, or come up with exceptions to the rule.  If you read a newspaper about a church scandal?  You see the church speak parroted as they were taught.

For years individuals and groups have tried the soft approach – you get more flies with honey than vinegar type of the thing.  Extremism and stereotypes was the response.  Equality has always meant the same thing in history.  It’s a principal most understand. 

Some individuals now show responses that ignore the meaning in the past.  Let’s try to apply the approach to other circumstances in history that asked for a sense of equality!   Lets see if their approach works shall we?  I mean most look at the term ‘equality’, and understand the universal meaning.  Does their approach show this?

• Did the African Americans get ‘skin confused’ and want sameness?

• What about the American Indian?  While they were being unfairly persecuted at the beginning of American History their rights were a dirty word.  We realize now the error, and we know why.  I mean were they just looking to usurp the white man?

Doesn’t seem to apply does it?  Why does it make sense towards others?  WELL it doesn’t there either.  They just pretend it does.

Sadly certain groups of people are just trying to confuse its meaning. It has always meant the thing same, and today’s rhetoric that is based in fear doesn’t change the meaning no matter how hard they try to show you differently.

These concepts aren’t as complicated as some may wish you to think.  They are about principals of dignity and respect as a fellow human.  Nothing has changed from that definition, and yet you have groups that write articles, books, seminars, sermons, etc all trying to redefine the concept to create fear.

Sadly, the more they talk the more they sound like this is about competition compared to being ‘complementary’ in nature.  The radicals they speak of from the pulpit aren’t in their churches.   Its strange how they claim they run into them all the time.  The attempt  to talk about issues of dignity shouldn’t be approached as if you are opening Pandora's box.  The statements of how if we accept women in a certain fashion – what’s next homosexuals?  Its degrading and please don’t whine when you are called a bigot.  It is what it is.

I pray that by the time my grandchildren come into this world?  History will play the role it always has when it comes to this kind of thing.  They will look like fools for the attitudes and their propaganda.    Yes, the children will be able to acknowledge the radicals did exist but they were far from the majority within the church.  They will scratch their heads, because who knows what they meant by ‘seeing it all the time’.  They will also see the games they played to make others see things the way they want them to.  That is how propaganda works.  The fact they state they are speaking from Christian point of view?  Where is the truth they will ask!

Will they acknowledge the ridicule they dish out?  I doubt it.  If they do people will ask for more.  It might be sexual abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, child abuse, spiritual abuse!  They would have to acknowledge the stone walling and deceit that was present as well.  Their careers maybe in jeopardy, because asking for that much repentance is TOO much to ask.  How dare the helpmeet require so much from them!

The disrespect towards one gender is acceptable, but darn it all don’t you dare emasculate the other!

Join me in breaking the silence, and stopping the lies and spiritual pixie dust!  If they are ignored they would call it what it is.  Disrespect.  Why is it any different for anyone else?

It's First Anniversary of the Freedom For Christian Women's Demand for an Apology from CBMW  Make sure you go and click on the tweet in question on her site!

A Year Ago This Coming Sunday...

Discussion about Apology Demand – Part 1

FIVE SMOOTH STONES

When biblical means Shut up

The Fear of Homosexuality

I get so frustrated with hate at times.  People won’t call it hate, but to me it is hate just the same.

I’m going to start with a story about a time when I was young teenager.  The names will be changed, but I wanted to use names so people could get a better visual.

I had a boyfriend named Jay, and his best friend Alex dated a friend of mine from school.  We did see each other, and did things together quite a bit.

One day we went over to Alex’s house to play cards I think it was.  We walked downstairs to the basement, where his family had the card table, chairs, etc.  Off to the side there was a bedroom, and in there were pictures of ‘girls’ all over the walls.  I remarked to Alex that I surprised he had all those pictures on his wall when he claimed to ‘love’ my friend.  Everyone except me was giggling at this point, and I knew I was missing something.  They told me that this wasn’t Alex’s room in the basement, but his adult sister’s room.  Yes.  Alex’s sister was a lesbian. 

A few weeks later Alex’s parents allowed he and Jay to hold a small party with a few friends down in the basement.  Jay and I along with other friends were sitting around the pit group talking.  Then I heard someone else come down the stairs, and she announced to her brother ‘I brought a man this time!”  It was Alex’s sister, and she introduced the man to him.

The next thing I knew she walked over to get something, and tripped on something laying on the floor.  She landed right in my lap.  My reaction?  I got her up off me so fast it wasn’t even funny.  I think everyone felt my reaction was one of being startled when she fell on me out of no where.  I knew differently, and after that happened I was so ashamed of myself.  How could I react that way?  I would have never reacted that way to someone that was heterosexual.

I allowed the fear, stereotypes, and culture to have me react in ways I hated.  I was so mad and disappointed in myself.  I was acting homophobic, and was prejudiced against someone I didn’t even know.  

I don’t think I had ever met a lesbian up to that point.  WELL at least not that knew of.   I knew I had to learn to change that reaction, because it wasn’t healthy – and it would be unreasonably hurtful to others.  It was MY issue not theirs.  A far cry from a proper Christian response.

I did grow up and grow out of that type of response.  I have worked and dealt with people that were homosexual since that day, and thankfully I have never had that fearful reaction again.  I can’t say I understand the lifestyle, but learning some grace I don’t have to be uncomfortable or fearful now.  I have met some very nice people, and some NOT so nice.  (giggles) just like any other human interaction! 

I realize what the Christian response is to the issue of homosexuality, but I have to admit that is an area I struggle with.  You won’t see me taking a stand in either direction, because I don’t feel right either way.  I do know I will not hate, nor will I react in ways I did as a teenager.    I will not fear homosexuality, because fear brings out the worse in people.  I treat them as I would anyone else.  I am ashamed of some of the Christian responses, because at times they can very vile.

Splitting: A book recommendation

  I was reminded of this book today, and I wanted to do a quick blog post about it.

Its titled, SPLITTING: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist.

Its not a faith based book first of all, but I have heard so many GOOD things about it I wanted to mention it.  

It not only can help those that feel their spouse is borderline or narcissist, but also those of you with abusive and difficult ones.  In other words, don't get caught off guard by the labels.


Its a good tool for counselors, lawyers, and individuals in high conflict separations and divorces.


Barbara over at Sanctuary for the Abused quoted from the author:

I wrote SPLITTING after ten years as a divorce attorney representing many fathers (and mothers) whose spouses appeared to have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders or traits. Since I had been a therapist for the previous decade, I recognized these personality problems -- but I did not realize at first how successful they can be at manipulating and confusing legal professionals.

It reminded me of all the people I know that just raved about this book, and how helpful it was to them. 

It doesn't even matter if you’re already somewhere “down the path” with your high-conflict ex, you will find that Splitting:  Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist will be a tremendous help in understanding with whom you’re dealing with.  It is also helpful to show others such as your support system or professionals you are working with.

It will prepare you to better handle what is to come both personally and legally.  It will be instrumental in helping you to understand the motivations of your ex-partner and the expectations of what will surely continue to take place both inside and outside of the court room.

As the saying goes, More tools is your toolbox the more prepared you are! Protection from abuse in regards to yourself and your children often times depend on being prepared. 


I know it was extremely helpful for a friend of mine that was involved in a very ugly custody batter with an convicted abuser.


Domestic violence lawyers or attorneys have also found this book helpful, and I have heard them use this book as a reference point.

Jack Schaap Transcript - response to 20/20 broadcast

Jack Schaap arrogant response to the 20/20 program, and his enabling Elders snickering in the background

The picture of Jack Schaap preaching to his church after segments of him appeared on the 20/20 show about Tina Anderson and Independent Fundamental Baptist Church.  It seems his congregation was a bit alarmed that they used him as an example of what some circles teach.

Schaap states with pride that he was quoting the word of God, and yet if you listen to what he said during the program?  None of it came from the bible at all.

You see I'm don't take my theology from a woman ISN'T in the bible.  Telling women they better look like they did when they got married, and don't allow themselves to get fat?  Its not in the bible either.

His response to the 20/20 program is defensiveness, and something the program pointed out.  You don't question nor criticize your pastor.  He can't throw 20/20 out of the church, and so instead Schaap decided to proudly rage in church instead. 

He basically proved the point of the show, and I don't think he even realized it.  The attitude they spoke of is right there for the world to see.

He was so comfortable with what he say - he told video locations throughout the internet to pull down his response due to copyright infringements.  lol okay then!

You don't take down videos of you justifying yourself to your congregation if you sleep well at night with what you said.  You don't take down videos of yourself saying, "Hallelujah God's word is getting out!" of you really MEAN IT!

You notice the elders in the background with smiles and grins on their faces?  It shows to the world their acceptance of the venom he throws at others, and their pandering to his hatred.  He admits he is arrogant, and basically tells others if you don't like OH WELL!

I have recently seen the Jack Schaap video up again on the internet.  You can search for it, but I decided to post his transcript of the video response to 20/20.

Jack Schaap Transcript - response to 20/20 broadcast:

ABC news called me this week and said "We heard that you believe that men should be in charge of their wives"

I said, "No sir, I didn't say that. I said God said that. He said husbands are the head of the wife."

I said, "You got a problem with what I said when I'm quoting the Bible, then maybe you should take it up with God."

He said, "Do you think that's appropriate?"

I said, "Son, anything God says is appropriate. I think you better get that straight right now."

I never apologise for standing where God stands. I never worry standing where God stands. Somebody says, "You know what they are going to say about you?"

Pffft, who cares?

Stand in line, pick a number, slob!

Get you little squirt gun out and squirt away.

Bullies - The start of domestic violence

Has anyone seen that video of the Australian boy named 'Casey' in the news recently?  Casey was a large fellow, and a target of teasing and tormenting for years.  This week he finally lashed back, and basically body smashed his bully to the ground.

This was huge news this week, because the bullies friends video taped this.  You could hear the encouragement that the bully was getting from his bully friends.  You could see Casey's attitude of not wanting to fight at first.  Casey finally had enough as children looking on did nothing, and he took his bully and picked him up - slammed him down on the concrete. Casey then walked away from the circumstance.  I noticed one of the bully's bigger friends wanted to take out after him, but a girl stepped in and told him THAT'S Enough!


There are conflicting reports about the discipline that happened. 

• Both boys got 4 days suspension
• Casey got 4 and the bully got 21 days
• Casey was the only one disciplined

The injury to the bully is in question as well.  Some state he has a scuffed knee, and others have pictures with him on crutches.  I heard the smash, and to me the crutches would make sense.  I have bad knees, and I was rubbing them as I watched.

People are questioning if this is a good example of anti bullying.  Why?  Casey had enough, and did he do the wrong thing by pushing back finally?  Most people I think remember being bullied as a child, and really understood where Casey was at that point.  "Good for HIM!" they stated.  Then you have others that wondered if he took the easy way out.

Didn't look like an easy out to me.  They were not going to let him 'walk away' prior to this.  He protected himself, because no one was there to do that for him.

If he gained any power it would have been in the dignity department.  He took it back from what I saw.   The way he stood, and took the blows?  I don't think his attitude towards the bully was the same as the bully towards him.  He told them - leave me alone.  He enforced the boundary the way kids have to at times.  Sadly, of course.

I think the big question we need to ask is about the bully discipline procedure.  When a child is unprotected time and time again - what are we asking from them?  Being that the circumstance was known to everyone....what are we asking children to do exactly? 

The suspensions to me showed our societies silence on the matter.  What did it solve, and what did it teach?  Are not suspensions to serve a purpose?

Domestic Violence Registry Proposed in Texas

The State of Texas is talking about putting together a domestic violence registry for those individuals that have been convicted of domestic violence 3 or more times.



If you can't see the video click here

Roy Rios from Lubbock’s Women's Protective Services supports House Bill 100. Under the legislation, it would take three convictions for a person to be entered into the registry.

"Having your information out there on this level is always intimidating, but I think as far as what this really stands for, making sure people are accountable when they are convicted of family violence, I think it has more pros then it does cons,” said Rios.

Rios believes that by making this information public, it will add to public safety and help deter people from getting into violent relationships. Defense attorney Rod Hobson believes otherwise.

"The idea is I guess you're not going to date the person if they've been convicted three times of something that's in a centralized database. Some people might not want to date somebody if they've been convicted once. Some people might not care. Why is the state of Texas getting involved in a situation to this extent," Hobson said.

Hobson said domestic violence convictions are already a matter of public record and asks who is going to pay for it.

There are concerns on both sides, which would include how this could stop offenders from gaining employment. Another reason they brought up was having their name posted online forever even after they had been rehabilitated.

I would have to wonder what they would consider 'rehabilitated' personally. Men and women that graduate from the domestic violence classes that are court ordered after three convictions?

Think the Best of Them!

My last post I wrote about an article I had found online that did a book review for 'No Place For Abuse".

I received a comment, and additional issues started to pop into my head.  How regular advice turns into actual enabling of the abusive relationship.  Here is the excellent comment in question.

Hannah, a supportive friend sent me that article before I left my abusive relationship. At that time, I was thrilled that a Christian article endorsed separation, because my advice was that I could not or should not separate.

But reading another article on the site (gotquestions.org) about divorce for abuse concerned me. Although there isn't anywhere to respond or comment, there are contact details so you can write to them. That's what I did, and my concerns were exactly what you referred to. It is incredible how people dismiss the experience of the abused victim and deny her the right to judge or observe the abusers' changes. Her safety is also discounted, with the recommendation to reconcile taking priority as soon as things look "safe". There is no acknowledgment of the abusive cycle, or the manipulative tactics involved.

But the great thing is that I saw the recommendation for that book and being new to all of this, I was hungry. One thing led to another, and I slowly gained more information and insight to abusive behavior, and eventually separated.

Thanks for your post - if only more people challenged the type of thinking propagated by that article.

Thank you Anonymous!

If there is one thing I see over and over again on advice to victims is to 'think the best' of their abuser.

Concentrate on the good things.

Look at the positives.  

I think you get my drift here.

Victim Mindset

The victim mindset is normally geared to 'think about the positive' aspects of their abuser.  At times they go to great lengths to place themselves in a negative light JUST so their abuser is thought about in a better one.

They are willing throw themselves 'under the bus' as the saying goes for the benefit of the abuser.

People that claim they understand the power and control aspect of domestic violence within the church?  They tend to take the assets and debits at face value. They don't see this as part of the cycle, and yet again they show how little they truly do know.

What people tend to do when victims point out NOT so nice things about their partner?  They apply stereotypes towards them.  They are being to negative, and can't think of nice things to say.  They need to take their 'black and white' view of things off for a moment, and stop viewing things as they are cutting the spouse down, being negative, etc.

If everyone has to be so 'nicey nice' all the time is it any wonder why people don't go to the church before things get really bad?

People get so caught up with this 'preconceived' ideas that if someone states one thing in frustration or anger they are half the issue.  They aren't thinking enough of the good traits of the spouse.  Victims like most people will either 'own' the fact they are awful person for even showing that 'disrespect', or will get defensive because most people only hear and deal with one nasty portion they mentioned and nothing else.

It may seem easy to most to 'stick' to negative thinking about your spouse, because we hear church ranting and raving about that all the time.  Victims at times will actually do this as well, but if you look beyond the surface stuff?  The coping mechanism most of the time is doing just the opposite - think the best and make excuses for them.  They may at times voice their frustration, but most of the time their 'self talk' goes in the opposite direction.

Victims throw out surface stuff to see what the reaction will be. It like sticking your toe into the water to see how COLD it is!

They are a good parent, but when they drink they get nasty.

They are good spouse, but tend to be very jealous if someone even looks at me - or I at them.   

The reactions I see a lot:

Are you both Christians?  Have you spoke to your pastor?  Are you counseling?  What is your definition of 'drink to much'?  Is their infidelity in your past, and is that why they are jealous? Are they stressed at work?  What are doing to serve your partner so they don't go there in their thoughts?  You need to make sure you don't concentrate to much on the bad stuff, and remember they are good parent and spouse!  If you spend to much time in the negative aspects you will be come hard hearted, and you will make them react worse!

Ever notice how advice tends to border line encouragement of codependency?

Alot of the times victims have a hard time even getting to 'but' part of the sentence, and when they are brave enough to finally do that?  People around them already have this 'image' of the abusive person in their head, and they just can't fathom that the extreme negative aspects that victims tend to 'hint' at.

You said they were a good parent/spouse, so maybe you are taking this to far!

WAFFLING

Waffling is a term people use about victims going back and forth over being 'angry' at their circumstance, or feeling 'sorry' for the abuser.  We all need empathy, but victims tend to take it to far.  If they would just be 'nicer' or 'more understanding' the abuser won't abuse.

If I follow the recommendations of the police that filed a restraining order?  My partner will get more depressed.  They will get angry with me.  They may lose their job.  I just want someone to help me, and to help them!  If I would have just kept my mouth shut that night he/she wouldn't have been arrested, and I wouldn't be in this place.  I made things worse.  What happens with the children?  They are scared, but they love him/her also.  They may blame me.  Is it my fault?  Why does he/she do this?

What they miss is balance.  They are so confused that they are indecisive and can't make up their minds.

This may be a trait that some have had all their lifes in dealing with relationships, or the abuser fostered this to use to their advantage. Waffling is helpful the abuser, because it is a aspect they can use to get themselves off the hook regarding accountability.   Doubt is a aspect abusers use as a weapon, and have no problems turning it around to their advantage.

People may be incapable of decisions at the beginning, but with help and support that can turn around.

People that try to help support victims and their families tend to miss the 'waffling' aspect of this.

Its a lingering aspect that is part of the power and control cycle that people claim they understand, and this is one aspect where they show their ignorance by not connecting the dots.

The waffling is a by product of the abusive relationship, and a tool the abuser used to keep them in their 'place'.  Abusive people will use this to their advantage, because confusion can easily be used as a 'power over' aspect.

Think only the Best of Them!

This is another red hot area people completely dismiss within the abusive relationships.  "Thinking the Best of Them' has been used as a coping mechanism for the relationship itself.  Victims use this all the time just to be able to deal with their reality.  They forever are making up excuses for their abusers actions, and only focusing on the positive in order to live in denial with all they have within them.

Thinking the best of someone can be enabling instead of helpful to victims.  This advice is good when you are dealing with a healthy couple, but with an abusive one?  You are asking the victim to use a coping tool they have used for a long time, because mentioning anything BUT the good can be dangerous.

They may have brought up things in the past 'softly', and it was turned around on them.  Abusers show them - because they are incapable processing anything negative about themselves - that they brought things up wrong, its actually the victim issue not them, or if you don't like it get f*ck out!

Helping parties don't realize their 'Think the best of Them' is received the same way.  You have now placed them in the corner, and they are ready for the attack.

In it's true form, Enabling behavior means something positive. It's our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.

However, when we apply it to certain problems in living - domestic violence, financial trouble, codependency, certain forms of chronic depression -- enabling behaviors have the reverse effect of what is intended.

Victims tend to 'look for the good aspects' so they don't have to deal with the ones that are dangerous.

Victims don't need to 'think the best of them', because they could hand you volumes of information on that subject.

They need help with dealing with the not so nice parts.  

They can give you all kinds of excuses for the behavior as well, because it has been drilled into them.  The Abuser's bad childhood, their drug, drink, or p#rn habits.  They have an awful boss, and their family doesn't cooperate.  Abusers basically drill into victims they are the 'true victims'.  They can't help themselves.  The victims role is to make their world safe and comfortable - anything less?  They failed at their job once again.

To think the BEST of them is another advantage people hand over to the abuser with the power and control cycle.

The abusers will tell them they don't think enough of the GOOD stuff, and their behavior is the end product of that.  They basically hint that even others know victims are pushing their buttons, and why can't they grasp their abusive behavior is a reaction to such.

If you would THINK the best of me like everyone says?  You would forgive and forget!  Since you can never do that you are actually 'abusing' me!  Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?  Everyone knows how selfish you are!

People assume because they can identify the difference EVERYONE can!  They don't apply the 'abusive dynamic mindset', and use normal healthy thinking instead.

When parties that wish to help they must place the normal family dynamics to the side.  There is always an ugly twist to those that abusers use to their advantage, and you will miss your opportunity if you can't separate the two.

Waffling and "Thinking the best of them" are tools of survival within the abusive relationship.  People not able to identify the unhealthy use of these aspects?  They will not help anyone, but will allow the abuser to have the upper hand once again.

We have come a long way BABY!

I was viewing some items on youtube, and came across the video sessions of the Mary Kassian: True Woman '08 Conference, "You've Come A Long Way, Baby!". To me they sprinkled some truth, and then twisted to make it sound good. She mentions she grew up during the time she speaks about. I grew up then as well, and I noticed she doesn't bring up the 'not so great' portions of that era.




I am WOMAN hear me ROAR!

Mary Kassian stated she remembers singing the song, "I am Woman", and I will admit I remembering singing it myself. I guess to say it made me feel a bit empowered at the time would say I swallowed the entire women's movement hook, line and sinker right? I must have gone over to the radical, extreme feminist's view of viewing the world!

Ahem. Wrong!

I was a child back then, and when all this was going on? WELL let me give you a couple of giggles about that:


I wanted to play baseball on the leagues with the boys. I wanted it so bad I could TASTE it! I couldn't because girls don't play baseball. Well they were NOT allowed to play baseball on leagues anyway. You could cheer the boys on, and maybe sell candy! That made me MAD! YEP I wanted to ROAR!

I played in the neighborhood, and was better than some of those boys that were on the baseball teams. I was born GIRL, and that was the only reason I couldn't play baseball with the leagues. My folks were always asking me to TAKE off the baseball cap, and leave my mitt at home. I needed to be 'ladylike'. I hated that TERM!

HEAR ME ROAR AGAIN all to due to being labeled 'GIRL'!

Mom decided one summer she would talk me into short hair! As I look back at the time I knew it was more due to HAIR wars! I had long, thick hair back then. It took FOREVER to get a comb and brush through it, and that was due to activities I liked to participate in. YES baseball was one of them! I'm sure my short hair made my mother's life a bit less stressful!

During that summer after my paper route and chores were done I spent my time at the community POOL! At the time LONG hair caused all kinds of issues with pool maintenance.

Guess what I was thinking?

Remember these ugly things?

WOO HOO no more SWIM CAPS! Heck my hair was shorter than most of the BOYS! Come to find out it didn't matter.

I was GIRL, and GIRLS wore swim caps regardless!

I guess it was just GIRL's hair that caused the issues with the pools? NOPE it was LONG hair they said, but boys with hair down the middle of their back could swim with no caps!

I love the way you lie - Ugh!

Its Your Fault TOO!

I have been reading opinions about the latest Eminem song, called, "Love The Way You Lie".  (Video Link highlighted)

Some people say they 'get' the song, and others feel it glamorizes domestic violence.  I found a short interview with Rihanna, and the part that bothered me is her almost childlike response, "I wanted to be part of a HIT!"

I tried for a number of weeks to figure out WHERE the attraction was for this song, and how it is strange that none of them (Characters in the video) truly try to explain the message behind it.  Rihanna got the snot kicked out of her, and I can't believe that she would truly wish to 'glamorize' what happened to her.

WELL below is my STAB at a theory!  

Lets look at the chorus of the song:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

This is the first part I think some are truly bothered by.  WHY would she said such a thing?  I like the way it hurts?  I like the way you lie? Huh?

To me personally?  It sounds like opinions towards victims of domestic violence from society.  She must like it or why wouldn't she leave?  She must have done something to trigger him like that!  She isn't innocent after all. 

I'm talking about how those justifications we read about after she got beat up, and had to listen to people justifying Chris Brown actions towards her.  She PUSHED him to beat her.... right?  Abusers for the most part are out for themselves, and in their sick viewpoints towards the relationship?  Watching her cry or burn isn't something that moves them in reality.

For the chorus she is playing the part that society had labeled her with.  I'm not talking ALL of us, but the ones that stood up for Chris Brown in a fashion that justified what he did to her.  How she pushed his buttons, and she loves the way he lies. Why else would she stay in a relationship with him?  RIGHT?!

maybe he was defending himself against her

WHY YALL ON RIHANNA SIDE HE HIT HER FOR A REASON SHE MIGHT HAVE DID SUMTHIN TO **** HIM OFF OR PUSH HIM TO HIS LIMIT

im guessing that rhianna hit him first and if she did, then she got what she deserved.

We have heard cruel attitudes towards victims, and maybe Rihanna is playing the part they asked her to in the chorus.  It was the opinion of society towards her, and it shows to THEM at least she has twisted thoughts towards the relationship as well.

Wife Shot During Church Counseling Session

According to SeattlePI:

The man, 41, shot his wife during a counseling session about 5:45 p.m.

The counselor told a detective "that he had been conducting a couples counseling session when the suspect … stood up and began to leave the room. He then turned and pointed a handgun at the victim. … As (she) began to scream (her husband) continued to point the gun at her and told (the counselor) not to move and pointed the gun at him as well."

The woman was hit at least three times her torso.

The husband called 911 and told a dispatcher that he had shot his wife and that he had placed the gun on the hood of his truck, according to a probable cause statement. He then told the dispatcher her was lying on the ground.

Botkin Sisters - Feminists or Helpmeets

I was over at Truewomanhood, and ran across a thread that discussed the Botkin Sisters discussion on Feminists or Helpmeets.  It came to my attention once again that when we place generalizations out there you pretty much miss the boat on your point overall. 

The announcer started by talking about South Korea, and how their birth rate has done down drastically.  He will tell you WHY that is of course!  The young women think men are just jerks, and don't want to have anything to do with families.  They want to place their loyalties towards corporations, and if they get pregnant?  WELL they can't have either - abortion.  Women wish to be totally independent of men and families, because they can't see the benefits it has shown generations of the past. 

You have wonder if any of those that truly believed all of that hook, line and sinker EVER looked at the reasons WHY they may have felt this drastic turn of culture was needed in their eyes.  Sigh.  Instead the vomiting of the blame of the feminists were used instead.  WHY they think that is the effective approach, and will actually get these women to listen to reason with their opinions is totally beyond me.  If you look around? The other gender must not think their idea is so hot either, but that part must be for another day.