Who Would Jesus Sue? A Call to Action!

Social Media was on fire yesterday with: 

#WHOWOULDJESUSSUE: A CALL TO ACTION

 

Most should remember a story in the media last year about Julie Anne being sued by her former church pastor, because of some comments she left about her former church on google reviews.  The church turned out to be spiritually abusive, and Julie Anne was brave enough want to forewarn others.  The pastor at the church decided he didn’t like what Julie Anne had to say, and sued her and three others for defamation to the tune of $500,000.  The pastor didn’t win, but no doubt he felt this would be a great tool to use to silence those that would speak out against him.   He figured wrong, and was left will some hefty legal bills instead.  Julie Anne has a new website that she started after this experience called, Spiritual Sounding Board.  Kudo’s to HER!

 

Julie Anne and many others are now helping to sound the alarm about Pastor Bob Grenier of Calvary Chapel Visalia (CCV), California.  This time around it is the Pastor that is suing his own family member (stepson), and a family friend that witnessed the abuse.  Alex Grenier (stepson) started a site called, Calvary Chapel Abuse.  Just as Julie Anne did in the past Alex Grenier started to speak out about a wolf in sheep’s clothing that claims to be a Man of Gawd!  Sadly, Alex and his siblings had to endure years of abuse growing up with the father’s rages, beatings, and sexual assault.  Daddy Dearest didn’t like the fact his son grew up, and decided to tell the world about the hell they had been through.

 

Pastor Bob has one son left – out of 4 – that isn’t estranged from him.  He is siding with his father, and no doubt hoping to inherit the church kingdom after his father retires.  For some strange reason people are to shallow the fact that Pastor Bob did nothing wrong during their childhood years, and no red flags should be waving due to the fact most of his children will have nothing to do with him.

The lawsuit was filed on October 17, 2012, in Tulare County, California, where Pastor Grenier served til recently as a chaplain to the local police force. (He agreed to a leave of absence on February 19, 2013.) In his lawsuit, filed with his wife and co-plaintiff Gayle (who is Alex’s and Paul’s mother), Pastor Grenier claims to be an innocent victim of a “cyber-bullying hate campaign.” They are asking for an award “of exemplary and punitive damages.”

On February 8, 2013, Paul Grenier submitted to the court a sworn Declaration supporting Alex’s allegations. For instance, Paul claims that as a five-year-old boy he “was forced to perform oral sex on Bob.” He also details a childhood of suffering sadistic physical and sexual abuse by his father.

The defendants’ attorney, Paul Clifford, filed an anti-SLAPP motion on December 17, 2012, contending this is a clear issue of freedom of speech and suggesting the lawsuit is frivolous. A tentative ruling on the motion will be made on February 25, 2013, with a court hearing scheduled for February 26 before Superior Court Judge Paul Anthony Vortmann.

The decision on this case has momentous ramifications for First Amendment rights as “citizen journalist” bloggers and spiritual abuse survivors organize and speak out against ecclesiastical abusers. This may also involve separation of church and state. A social media campaign around the theme of #WhoWouldJesusSue begins February 20 to publicize the suit.

Abusive churches and Pastors don’t like the internet do they?   In the past these types of suits would be unheard of, and the silence around the abuse would stay silent.  It always amazes me that abusers never realize that their children do grow up, and become adults that can think independently of them.  I guess they assume that their control over their lifes will extend for a lifetime, and yet more and more of these children are speaking out once they do hit adulthood.

 

Thankfully, with the internet and how society has changed?  People have started to speak out earlier, and this type of evil is brought into the light.  I pray that this slows down the cycle of violence that has been swept under the rug in the past.

 

Below are articles and resources about this campaign, and I encourage you to educate yourself.  I think a healthy trend is starting with a band of bloggers that reach out and support those that are brave enough to call out their abusers.

 

I would encourage you to participate, and Julie Anne has written a piece on how you can do that online.  The big BANG of social media was yesterday, and I think a continued effort beyond that is needed to keep this in front of people’s consciences don’t you?  Place the articles on your Facebook pages, and tweet them as well.

 

How to Participate

 

Meet the Family

Growing Outrage over Bob Griener’s suit. – has additional links to the legal paperwork in question.

Stand Up to Wicked Shepherds with #WhoWouldJesusSue? – Cindy is very good at speaking on the technical issues, background, and beliefs that stem from this type of dynamic.

Calvary Chapel’s Tangled Web – new article on case

More Reasons to Participate

Who would Jesus sue? Social media demands justice over pastor's lawsuit against his step son and others speaking out against sex abuse

Who Would Jesus Sue – Facebook Page

Standing Up to Spiritual Abusers via Social Media Today #WhoWouldJesusSue

John Piper, and his 7 clarifying Justifications on Domestic Violence

Crying Out For Justice had noted on their blog that John Piper wrote an article (after how long?) to ‘clarify’ his position on Wife Abuse.  I had written a piece called, John Piper’s Ignorance is killing Children.  I had taken a video from John Piper when he spoke about wife abuse, and what submission to your husband looks like in such cases.  I uploaded his video to youtube, because his website stated you could ‘share’ their content.
I never in a million years would have expected them to take the video down off their site (Desiring God), and never say a word about WHY they removed it.  Most people that I have noticed feel they wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. 
I had no idea the firestorm that would start over this video, and when I check my youtube account?  It tells me it has been shared all over the place, and is quoted quite often.  To this day I still received comments on youtube under the video itself.
John Piper made some awful comments about domestic violence in the church in 2009.   This is 2012 – almost 2013.  It took John Piper almost 4 years to ‘clarify’ his position on domestic violence in the church.  Most people that feel they are misunderstood tend to correct the misunderstanding within weeks.  John Piper decided that years was appropriate in this case.   

We don’t need clarification – you need to repent!

Clarifying Words on Wife Abuse

by John Piper | December 19, 2012
Several years ago, I was asked in an online Q&A, “What should a wife’s submission to her husband look like if he’s an abuser?”
One of the criticisms of my answer has been that I did not mention the recourse that a wife has to law enforcement for protection. So let me clarify with seven biblical observations.

Sadly, he didn’t clarify anything.  He basically gave another confusing message, and maybe its time he shuts up completely on this subject.  It’s clear the man has no clue what type of dynamics are involved within an abusive relationship, and all he seems to be doing is pandering to different sides of his following.
We will look at his seven biblical justifications (ahem – I mean observations), and compare them to what he said the first time.
He isn’t showing the humility he asks from others – per scripture. He doesn’t offer to repent of his errors, or even offer an apology for some misunderstanding. No. He wants to clarify.
He feels his ignorance towards this issue and its realities for many families was awesome, but misunderstood. People just didn’t understand him. In truth its not his communication skills that are lacking but comprehension of the issue he speaks of. 
He knows people feel this, and takes the coward’s way out. Repentance is what is needed – not clarification.

Its very saddening to me personally.  We can assume his viewpoint has not changed. That’s scary! The lack of police wasn’t the only error he made.  Notice also he placed this in writing, because last time he caught it over giggling at the question. Lets look at a portion of what was said last time:

A woman’s submission to her husband is rooted in the word of God, calling her to be—for the Lord’s sake, for the Lord’s sake—submissive to him. Which means she always has a higher allegiance, namely to Christ.
Therefore Christ’s word governs her life. And Christ has many words besides “Be submissive.” “Be submissive” is not an absolute, because her Lord has other things to tell her, so that if the husband tells her something that contradicts what the Lord tells her, then she’s got a crisis of, “To whom do I submit now?” And clearly she submits to Jesus above her husband. The reason she is submitting to her husband is because of her prior superior submission to the Lord.
So if this man, for example, is calling her to engage in abusive acts willingly (group sex or something really weird, bizarre, harmful, that clearly would be sin), then the way she submits—I really think this is possible, though it’s kind of paradoxical—is that she’s not going to go there. I’m saying, “No, she’s not going to do what Jesus would disapprove even though the husband is asking her to do it.” – From John Piper’s video 4 years ago

This time he decides he needs to remind her of all the people, offices, etc. that she is in submission to. Once again, he is asking her to call on her church with his comment, ‘is a call to humble, Bible-Saturated, spiritual wisdom’. Yes, he hints at the source all through his piece. This is just your first taste of it.

1. Every Christian is called to submit to various authorities and to each other: children to parents (Ephesians 6:1), citizens to government (Romans 13:1), wives to husbands (Ephesians 5:22), employees to employers (2 Thessalonians 3:10), church members to elders (Hebrews 13:17), all Christians to each other (Ephesians 5:21), all believers to Christ (Luke 6:46).
This puts the submission of wives and husbands into the wider context of submission to Jesus, to the civil authorities, to each other, and to the church. This means that the rightness or wrongness of any act of submission is discerned by taking into account all the relevant relationships. We are all responsible to Jesus first, and then, under him, to various other persons and offices. Discerning the path of love and obedience when two or more of these submissive relationships collide is a call to humble, Bible-saturated, spiritual wisdom.

His second statement on domestic violence is a bit more complicated than his first.  The first time we heard his speech on the wife’s submission to her husband ‘for the Lord’s sake’, and then he goes into some strange speech about ‘group sex’.  Now he reminds her (and others) of all the authorities people are to submit to, and how it takes discernment in order to juggle all of them.
Why he can’t just tell her that it is OKAY to call the civil authorities when she feels she is in danger?  He is over doing this WAY too much.  Honestly, he is confusing the issue more than it needs to be.  Its wise to call the authorities if you feel threatened in this way.  During this period you don’t have time to juggle of this stuff he rambles about.  That wasted time could cost lifes.

2. Husbands are commanded, “Love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). They are told to “love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28–29). The focus of a husband’s Christlikeness in loving his wife is “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
Christian husbands are not Christ. They are finite, fallible, forgiven sinners. They do not stand in the place of Christ. Their wives relate directly to Christ (Hebrews 4:16; 11:6), not merely through their husbands. Husbands do not have the wisdom or the power or the rights of Christ. Their likeness to Christ in leading their wives is limited and focused by these words: He gave himself up for her . . . nourishing and cherishing . . . not harsh with them.
Therefore, an abusive husband is breaking God’s law. He is disobeying Christ. He is not to be indulged but disciplined by the church. The wife is not insubordinate to ask the church for help. A Christian woman should not feel that the only help available to her is the police. That would be a biblical failure of her church.

Sadly, an abusive man does not love his own body.  He can’t grasp the concept of nourishing and cherishing in the way that John Piper speaks of.  He is not capable of being what God commanded, and when you understand that part?  The rest of what John Piper states here doesn’t make any sense.
No one can relate to Christ ‘through’ an abusive person the way he means it.  Sadly, they are too broken.   They can’t ‘lead’ their wives in the way he speaks of either.  This assumption alone shows how disconnected he is from this circumstance.  The way he is presenting this?  The husband is a good, honorable Christian Husband – that failed miserably in some fashion.  It goes much further than that.
The biblical failure of the church is why these articles are needed to begin with.  The way submission is taught is confusing most of the time as well.  When you write books, and you tell women that if a man stops by your house to ask for directions – you need to do it in an submissive way in order to honor his gender is just a bit over the top.  This is why he has to tell woman its not ‘insubordinate’ to ask for help  in the first place.  That alone should tell you there is a failure within the church.
What's the Difference – By John Piper, Page 60

appropriate ways. there are ways for a woman to interact even with a male subordinate that signal to him and others her endorsement of his mature manhood in relationship to her as a woman. i do not have in mind anything like sexual sugges- tiveness or innuendo. rather, i have in mind culturally appro- priate expressions of respect for his kind of strength, and glad acceptance of his gentlemanly courtesies. her demeanor—the tone and style and disposition and discourse of her ranking position—can signal clearly her affirmation of the unique role that men should play in relationship to women owing to their sense of responsibility to protect and lead.
it is obvious at this point that we are on the brink of contradiction—suggesting that a woman may hold a position of leadership and fulfill it in a way that signals to men her endorsement of their sense of responsibility to lead. But the complexities of life require of us this risk. to illustrate: it is simply impossible that from time to time a woman not be put in a position of influencing or guiding men. for example, a housewife in her backyard may be asked by a man how to get to the freeway. at that point she is giving a kind of leadership. she has superior knowledge that the man needs and he sub- mits himself to her guidance. But we all know that there is a way for that housewife to direct the man that neither of them feels their mature femininity or masculinity compromised. it is not a contradiction to speak of certain kinds of influence

I have wonder if they don’t make these teachings confusing on purpose so that people have to constantly come back, and ask how to do something right.  They are made to be dependent on them for even the most simple tasks in life.  Why in heaven’s name do you seriously need to instruct a grown woman on how to give driving directions when asked?  It should be common sense – Be nice and offer them!
Sorry but when you get these types of confusing messages?  Yes, you are better off going to the police.  You don’t time to juggle the colliding submission levels, and all that jazz.  You end up being busy double thinking things to make sure you doing it as your pastor would wish, and the protection of the family comes second.  This should not be!

So the short answer, I think, is that the church is really crucial here to step in, be her strength, say to this man, “You can’t do this. You cannot do this! That’s not what we allow. That’s not what Christ calls you to be.”
I can’t go in to all the details, but I would say to the woman, “Come to a church that you feel safe in. Tell them the case. Let the leaders step in and help you navigate the difficulties. -John Piper’s Video on Abuse from 4 years ago.

An abusive man needs to hear more than what is offered here, and an understanding of his mindset is essential.  It’s a pattern of behavior, and most of the time you find that the woman (or man) that is being abused doesn’t recognize it for what it is. 
Anyone can have a good day, and be nice.  Yes, even abusive personalities.  Too often we use that simplistic example to avoid looking at his core being.  That core doesn’t change with a session of church discipline – or even a number of them.  We also need to acknowledge that humans have a choice to see their sin, and turn from it – or refuse to.  That part is something John Piper ‘refuses’ to acknowledge or in fact deal with at all here.
If you can’t deal with that part? You need to stay silent. It’s a reality for so many people, and has been inside and outside the church.

3. But recourse to civil authorities may be the right thing for an abused wife to do. Threatening or intentionally inflicting bodily harm against a spouse (or other family members) is a misdemeanor in Minnesota, punishable by fines, short-term imprisonment, or both. Which means that a husband who threatens and intentionally injures his wife is not only breaking God’s moral law, but also the state’s civil law. In expecting his wife to quietly accept his threats and injuries, he is asking her to participate in his breaking of both God’s moral law and the state’s civil law.
God himself has put law enforcement officers in place for the protection of the innocent. “If you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer” (Romans 13:4). A wife’s submission to the authority of civil law, for Christ’s sake, may, therefore, overrule her submission to a husband’s demand that she endure his injuries. This legitimate recourse to civil protection may be done in a spirit that does not contradict the spirit of love and submission to her husband, for a wife may take this recourse with a heavy and humble heart that longs for her husband’s repentance and the restoration of his nurturing leadership.

Once again John Piper assumes he is capable of ‘nurturing leadership’.    Sadly, he is not.  He never addresses or goes NEAR this issue.  This is a problem, because if you can’t acknowledge it?  You can’t fix  it either.
Most that call the authorities do this out of fear for their safety.  The speech about where her heart maybe be at that point?  It shows how completely gone he is with the realities of these circumstances. 
Do people call the police when someone breaks into their homes out of a heavy and humble heart that wishes their repentance and restoration?  NO!  They call because they are scared, and maybe harmed..and want help and protection!  The rest?  Granted could come later.
The way he presents this will make the family feel badly about calling for help.  Their terror wasn’t enough, because they were not thinking of love and submission.  Seriously, what a dumb statement!  The picture I submitted here is showing how to do this the WRONG way.  Bleck!
John Piper needs to understand the systematic breakdown of her personhood over time by her abuser’s words.   They way he presents this places DOUBT in their MINDS!
John Piper’s added extras don’t help, but render things.  Romans 13:4 is all you need.

Here is a partial look at the relationship…
Some repeated comments include:  She will never make it without him, and the children will be homeless.  No one will want her, or believe her.  She is crazy, and everyone knows it. 
An Abuser once told his children, ‘Without me?  You will be living under a bush, and eating BUGS!” 
He builds a dependency on him, and any anxiety in his life no matter how small?  Its spilled over all this family, and you can bet he has them scared to death.
The family sadly already has an unhealthy sense of responsibility towards him, and his abusive behavior. 
When John Piper speaks of domestic violence in the church, and he uses phases like:  ‘maybe the right the thing to do’ or ‘may, therefore, overrule her submission to a husband’s demand’ leaves doubt in her mind.   That is the LAST thing she needs!
The abusive person has already brainwashed her into thinking she can’t make a plausible decision to SAVE her life, and the church is going to believe HIM.  Remember she is crazy, and everyone knows it. She already feels incapable of making decisions due to his treatment of her (ie: verbal and emotional abuse – or in Piper’s words verbal unkindness), and may not feel capable of the biblical gymnastics he was asking of her.  Remember this is a time of terror and trauma.  Not the TIME to think and feel all the junk Piper has in mind.  She needs to hear someone that can be blunt, and Piper isn’t doing that.
Calling the police is taking every OUNCE of energy, and bravery she has.  She doesn’t need some speech about where her heart should be – or maybe.  It just confuses things for her.  She needs to hear support. 
She knows the church will ask her to look her sin, and what they don’t understand is she may not be able to balance that in a rational way.  The family has already been trained to owe sins that are NOT their’s to own anyway.  Their approach needs to show appreciation to this concept.  John Piper does not do this. 
All the family will feel is shame – it’s a normal environment for them.  The abuser’s words of how awful they are, and how life is their fault?  It’s a normal mindset for them, and they feel they are already condemned.  She already FEELS like a piece of dirt on the bottom on his shoe.  The abusive person LIKES IT THAT WAY, and Piper doesn’t seem to grasp that either.  Its his form of control, and its  full of entitlement for HIM – not God.  He is too broken to grasp God’s moral law, because all he sees is how people wronged him.
Does this SOUND like a person that LOVES his body, and is capable of cherishing and nourishing others when he can’t do that for himself?
When you can’t get to point A – understanding the mindset of the abuser or family – you will not help the abusive person or the family get to be point B.  All the silly spiritual pixie dust you place in between doesn’t change that fact.

4. The church should not harbor an abusive man or woman whom the civil authorities would punish if they knew what the church knows. We are called to mercy. “Be merciful as your heavenly Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36). But there are times when mercy to one demands justice for another. This is often the case with criminal abuse. Moreover, there are many ways to show mercy toward a guilty person who must pay fines or go to jail. We are seldom in a position where the choice is simply mercy or no mercy.

I have to be honest that this partial comment about ‘would punish if they knew what the church knows’?  It makes me very uncomfortable, because YES the church does have a reputation of covering up. John Piper knows this.  They feel they can do a better job – in house.  It also tells you she has gone to them first, and they are wrestling with calling the authorities.
Unfortunately,  when you have people in a church that tend to feel they know better than anyone else?  People get hurt.  John Piper has not shown his discernment on this issue yet.  You need the law, and you also need people in faith behind you – full of support and encouragement.
Most of the time the church tends to look for the ‘accident’ instead of the ‘pattern of behavior’.  Churches HAVE used the excuse that being a card carrying Christian means abusers won’t manipulate the circumstance.  They won’t wail at the alter in repentance when their fingers are crossed behind their backs.  Abusive personalities didn’t get that way because of martial issues.  Its been a long journey for them, and they know how to play their cards. 
The church gives out to much benefit of the doubt – or feel they will see right through them.  It never dawns on them that is the other way around.  The abuser will play them as well.  Sadly, Piper are too focused on the Disneyland Happily ever after.   They never wish to look at the core issues, because it may not turn out ‘biblical’ enough for them.  That’s a problem!
In most cases – they couldn’t discern the proper type of justice or mercy in these cases if their life depended on it.  Instead of being FIRM, and letting the family know they WILL be their support system the way they need it?  They go down rabbit trails.  This needs to be a time of encouragement, and so far?  It hasn’t been.  I agree we are seldom in a position where choice is simply mercy or no mercy.  We also need to allow natural consequences to happen, and at times allow God to take the wheel.
Problem is you give the wrong type of mercy if you don’t have a good grasp on whom you are dealing with. 

5. For many women, the thought of a husband going to jail and losing his job and being publicly shamed is so undesirable that they often endure much sin before becoming desperate enough to turn to the authorities. What I want to stress is that long before they reach a point of desperation — or harm — the women of the church should know that there are spiritual men and women in the church that they can turn to for help. By way of caution and lament, I cannot promise that every church has such spiritual, gifted, and compassionate men and women available for help. But many do. The intervention of these mature brothers and sisters may bring the husband to repentance and reconciliation. Or they may determine that laws have been broken and the civil authorities should or must be notified. In either case, no Christian woman (or man) should have to face abuse alone.

No doubt women do think about jail, job, and being shamed publically.  The church needs to make her feel that the shame of the circumstance is not her’s to bear.  Shame should be felt by the one whom harmed others.  Why does that message NOT come out of the church’s clearly enough for all to see?  Will that red flag be enough to seek changes, or will we make excuses and simplistic comments about it?

Now that’s one kind of situation. Just a word on the other kind. If it’s not requiring her to sin but simply hurting her, then I think she endures verbal abuse for a season, and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church. – Piper’s comments from 4 years ago

He confuses people because prior he told the women to take things for a season, or wait until you are hit.   There was no clarification as to how this changed since his more recent statement (or Ahem – clarification). 
Are they going to asked if they waited a season, or asked WHY they waited until harm came?   
Could those past statements be part of the reason WHY families become ‘desperate enough to turn to the authorities’.
Yes, of course they can.  You see John Piper some of the statements and attitudes towards domestic violence within the church need to owned and repented of.  Your list of the 7 justifications doesn’t cut it.
People can be mature believers, and still not know HOW to handle this type of circumstances.  It’s not a putdown at all.  You need a special type of help with experience in these matters.  Once again, there is no clarification on this either.  He leaves this damning statement out there for people to wonder about.
Since he can’t make up his mind – due to NOT clarifying police action or not…how do they determine if they will contact civil authorities?  You see, he didn’t clarify anything here.  This was to be the WHOLE purpose of his new article.  There is no mention of separation during this ‘intervention’ either – just intervention of the abuser.  Would separation even be on their minds?  Still no comment.
The bible does speak of those that do not choose to repent, and turn from their sin.  The actions towards that person – if they happen to be a spouse – is ignored they feel ‘biblically’.  Quite honestly even if he did repent instantly (which we love to look at, and yet we are to see if they can live it also)?  Do they forget the family is still scared?  Will he be allowed to live and marinate with that reality he left his family in?  I’m sorry – forgive me shouldn’t be enough for anyone yet. 
Their only true focus it seems is reconciliation.  The reality of the marriage not working out the way they feel it must makes the church wiggle with anxiety.  Now we switch from the abusers' anxieties to the churches.  That doesn’t help the terrified family, and you have to wonder when their time comes….
The churches focus is on the future – with hopefully no divorce or remarriage. 
The family wants to feel safe, and is wondering what type of attack the abuser will attempt now that they are outed.  Where does their future lie?  How will they get by?  Where will they live?  Will they ever be safe?  Those questions are NOT due to thinking of divorce or remarriage – its out of personal safety and well being.  Something most are used to, and they have not had the luxury of.  They are scared to death! 
The church worries about reminding the family that they need to think of income from the husband.  How children can get screwed up if they don’t grow up in a two parent home.  The shattered family makes the church nervous, and although some maybe well intended PUSH the repentance and reconciliation way before its even a healthy time to embark on that journey.  
The family may feel at this point that their fear is frivolous to the church – due to their reaction.  The church will say it is NOT, but they won’t put their own anxieties to the side long enough to make that family feel safe.  They feel steamrolled without options this time, and if you listen to most family members?  They hear manipulative comments coming from these compassionate brothers and sisters.  “How will you live if your husband is in jail?”

6. When Jesus commands his disciples, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39), he is describing one way of love: the testimony that Jesus is so sufficient to me that I do not need revenge. This was the way Christ loved us at the end: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:22–23).
But this is not the only path of love open to those who are persecuted. The Bible warrants fleeing. John Bunyan wrestled with these two strands in the Bible of how to deal with persecution:
He that flies, has warrant to do so; he that stands, has warrant to do so. Yea, the same man may both fly and stand, as the call and working of God with his heart may be. Moses fled, Ex. 2:15; Moses stood, Heb. 11:27. David fled, 1 Sam. 19:12; David stood, 24:8. Jeremiah fled, Jer. 37:11–12; Jeremiah stood, 38:17. Christ withdrew himself, Luke 19:10; Christ stood, John 18:1–8. Paul fled, 2 Cor. 11:33; Paul stood, Acts 20:22–23. . . .
Do not fly out of a slavish fear, but rather because flying is an ordinance of God, opening a door for the escape of some, which door is opened by God’s providence, and the escape countenanced by God’s Word, Matt. 10:23. (Seasonable Counsels, or Advice to Sufferers, in The Works of John Bunyan, volume 2, page 726)

‘I do not need revenge’,  is again NOT on the list of priorities for the family during this period of time.  John Piper doesn’t understand this, and I guess has ignored proven concepts like it’s the most dangerous time for them is when they escape.  They will be reviled and threatened – NOT the abuser!  They want to hide – not get back at him.   Anger may come WAY later, but its more over the treatment they had to endure  and are finally able to allow it to safety surface.   That is called righteous anger, and not the sinful type he is hinting towards here.
When you can’t wrap you head around this additional concept, it also shows how completely disconnected he is to their reality. 
He seems to be looking at the family within a different environment.  One in which someone attacks the family, and the family – as a unit – wants to lash back at them.  We aren’t speaking of an outsider coming to harm the family.  We are speaking of an insider that they live with that has been harming them, and is going to be royally ticked off that he has been exposed. 
If they separate from him?  He is going to go nuts over that aspect alone.  Granted the church maybe able to calm him down at the moment, but its not something that will stick completely within him.  His resentment and contempt for them is still firmly seeded.  John Piper can’t seem to even conceive of this at all.  He is barking up the wrong tree here! 
The only ‘stood’ parts you see hinted at here is the reconciliation of the family.  Its not time to deal with this yet!  STOP rushing!  I realize its unreasonable to ask for him to look at the fact that the abuser may not wish to change due to choice.  So life without him is not something he will ever speak about.

My closing plea is to all Christian men, and in particular to the leaders of churches: Herald a beautiful vision of complementarian marriage that calls men to bear the responsibility not only for their own courage and gentleness but also for the gentleness of the other men as well. Make it part of the culture of manhood in the church that the men will not tolerate the abuse of any of its women.

So, in other words:  being complementarian, and living HIS version of it is the answer.  We have seen plenty of churches that can speak a good game, but you find they also ‘tolerate’ quite a bit.  Saying you won’t tolerate something is just words.  Showing compassion, and following up with the right type of action is what is needed.  

You need to be responsible with speaking about abuse.  You haven’t been, and this little piece still shows the ignorance that you held on to all this time.  John Piper you didn’t clarify anything.  You just cemented in what you said the first time.  Your courage was lacking in correcting your errors, and there was no gentle humbleness.  Lead by example!  Its time to repent – NOT CLARIFY!

We don’t need your 7 biblical justifications.  That’s all you did here.  You justified what you said last time, and it shows who your ignorance is killing children, and their families.

Open Letter to John Piper about Divorce – Written by a man
Domestic Violence, Christmas, John Piper, SGM and TGC
Double Standards in the true Confusion – Video shows how John Piper approaches those that suffered abuse – other than spouses.  HUGE difference!
John Piper, and Domestic Violence in the Church

Traumatic Bonding: How does it work?

I was reading a story about an experiment with little ducks today.  The story was to illustrate how traumatic bonding works.  I don’t know about most, but at times visuals tend to help me truly understand concepts better.
This reference came from the book, "Get Me Out Of Here: My recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder," by Rachel Reiland.
In it, the author was being asked to examine the nature of her relationship with her parents and the closeness of her bonds to them. The therapist shared with her the duck-test story:
"Some scientists were conducting an experiment," he said, "trying to gauge the impact of abuse on children. Ducks, like people, develop bonds between mother and young. They call it imprinting. So the scientists set out to test how that imprint bond would be affected by abuse.

"The control group was a real mother duck and her ducklings. For the experimental group, the scientist used a mechanical duck they had created - feathers, sound, and all - which would, at timed intervals, peck the ducklings with its mechanical beak. A painful peck, one a real duck would not give.
They varied these groups. Each group was pecked with a different level of frequency. And then they watched the ducklings grow and imprint bond with their mother.

Think the Best of Them!

My last post I wrote about an article I had found online that did a book review for 'No Place For Abuse".

I received a comment, and additional issues started to pop into my head.  How regular advice turns into actual enabling of the abusive relationship.  Here is the excellent comment in question.

Hannah, a supportive friend sent me that article before I left my abusive relationship. At that time, I was thrilled that a Christian article endorsed separation, because my advice was that I could not or should not separate.

But reading another article on the site (gotquestions.org) about divorce for abuse concerned me. Although there isn't anywhere to respond or comment, there are contact details so you can write to them. That's what I did, and my concerns were exactly what you referred to. It is incredible how people dismiss the experience of the abused victim and deny her the right to judge or observe the abusers' changes. Her safety is also discounted, with the recommendation to reconcile taking priority as soon as things look "safe". There is no acknowledgment of the abusive cycle, or the manipulative tactics involved.

But the great thing is that I saw the recommendation for that book and being new to all of this, I was hungry. One thing led to another, and I slowly gained more information and insight to abusive behavior, and eventually separated.

Thanks for your post - if only more people challenged the type of thinking propagated by that article.

Thank you Anonymous!

If there is one thing I see over and over again on advice to victims is to 'think the best' of their abuser.

Concentrate on the good things.

Look at the positives.  

I think you get my drift here.

Victim Mindset

The victim mindset is normally geared to 'think about the positive' aspects of their abuser.  At times they go to great lengths to place themselves in a negative light JUST so their abuser is thought about in a better one.

They are willing throw themselves 'under the bus' as the saying goes for the benefit of the abuser.

People that claim they understand the power and control aspect of domestic violence within the church?  They tend to take the assets and debits at face value. They don't see this as part of the cycle, and yet again they show how little they truly do know.

What people tend to do when victims point out NOT so nice things about their partner?  They apply stereotypes towards them.  They are being to negative, and can't think of nice things to say.  They need to take their 'black and white' view of things off for a moment, and stop viewing things as they are cutting the spouse down, being negative, etc.

If everyone has to be so 'nicey nice' all the time is it any wonder why people don't go to the church before things get really bad?

People get so caught up with this 'preconceived' ideas that if someone states one thing in frustration or anger they are half the issue.  They aren't thinking enough of the good traits of the spouse.  Victims like most people will either 'own' the fact they are awful person for even showing that 'disrespect', or will get defensive because most people only hear and deal with one nasty portion they mentioned and nothing else.

It may seem easy to most to 'stick' to negative thinking about your spouse, because we hear church ranting and raving about that all the time.  Victims at times will actually do this as well, but if you look beyond the surface stuff?  The coping mechanism most of the time is doing just the opposite - think the best and make excuses for them.  They may at times voice their frustration, but most of the time their 'self talk' goes in the opposite direction.

Victims throw out surface stuff to see what the reaction will be. It like sticking your toe into the water to see how COLD it is!

They are a good parent, but when they drink they get nasty.

They are good spouse, but tend to be very jealous if someone even looks at me - or I at them.   

The reactions I see a lot:

Are you both Christians?  Have you spoke to your pastor?  Are you counseling?  What is your definition of 'drink to much'?  Is their infidelity in your past, and is that why they are jealous? Are they stressed at work?  What are doing to serve your partner so they don't go there in their thoughts?  You need to make sure you don't concentrate to much on the bad stuff, and remember they are good parent and spouse!  If you spend to much time in the negative aspects you will be come hard hearted, and you will make them react worse!

Ever notice how advice tends to border line encouragement of codependency?

Alot of the times victims have a hard time even getting to 'but' part of the sentence, and when they are brave enough to finally do that?  People around them already have this 'image' of the abusive person in their head, and they just can't fathom that the extreme negative aspects that victims tend to 'hint' at.

You said they were a good parent/spouse, so maybe you are taking this to far!

WAFFLING

Waffling is a term people use about victims going back and forth over being 'angry' at their circumstance, or feeling 'sorry' for the abuser.  We all need empathy, but victims tend to take it to far.  If they would just be 'nicer' or 'more understanding' the abuser won't abuse.

If I follow the recommendations of the police that filed a restraining order?  My partner will get more depressed.  They will get angry with me.  They may lose their job.  I just want someone to help me, and to help them!  If I would have just kept my mouth shut that night he/she wouldn't have been arrested, and I wouldn't be in this place.  I made things worse.  What happens with the children?  They are scared, but they love him/her also.  They may blame me.  Is it my fault?  Why does he/she do this?

What they miss is balance.  They are so confused that they are indecisive and can't make up their minds.

This may be a trait that some have had all their lifes in dealing with relationships, or the abuser fostered this to use to their advantage. Waffling is helpful the abuser, because it is a aspect they can use to get themselves off the hook regarding accountability.   Doubt is a aspect abusers use as a weapon, and have no problems turning it around to their advantage.

People may be incapable of decisions at the beginning, but with help and support that can turn around.

People that try to help support victims and their families tend to miss the 'waffling' aspect of this.

Its a lingering aspect that is part of the power and control cycle that people claim they understand, and this is one aspect where they show their ignorance by not connecting the dots.

The waffling is a by product of the abusive relationship, and a tool the abuser used to keep them in their 'place'.  Abusive people will use this to their advantage, because confusion can easily be used as a 'power over' aspect.

Think only the Best of Them!

This is another red hot area people completely dismiss within the abusive relationships.  "Thinking the Best of Them' has been used as a coping mechanism for the relationship itself.  Victims use this all the time just to be able to deal with their reality.  They forever are making up excuses for their abusers actions, and only focusing on the positive in order to live in denial with all they have within them.

Thinking the best of someone can be enabling instead of helpful to victims.  This advice is good when you are dealing with a healthy couple, but with an abusive one?  You are asking the victim to use a coping tool they have used for a long time, because mentioning anything BUT the good can be dangerous.

They may have brought up things in the past 'softly', and it was turned around on them.  Abusers show them - because they are incapable processing anything negative about themselves - that they brought things up wrong, its actually the victim issue not them, or if you don't like it get f*ck out!

Helping parties don't realize their 'Think the best of Them' is received the same way.  You have now placed them in the corner, and they are ready for the attack.

In it's true form, Enabling behavior means something positive. It's our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.

However, when we apply it to certain problems in living - domestic violence, financial trouble, codependency, certain forms of chronic depression -- enabling behaviors have the reverse effect of what is intended.

Victims tend to 'look for the good aspects' so they don't have to deal with the ones that are dangerous.

Victims don't need to 'think the best of them', because they could hand you volumes of information on that subject.

They need help with dealing with the not so nice parts.  

They can give you all kinds of excuses for the behavior as well, because it has been drilled into them.  The Abuser's bad childhood, their drug, drink, or p#rn habits.  They have an awful boss, and their family doesn't cooperate.  Abusers basically drill into victims they are the 'true victims'.  They can't help themselves.  The victims role is to make their world safe and comfortable - anything less?  They failed at their job once again.

To think the BEST of them is another advantage people hand over to the abuser with the power and control cycle.

The abusers will tell them they don't think enough of the GOOD stuff, and their behavior is the end product of that.  They basically hint that even others know victims are pushing their buttons, and why can't they grasp their abusive behavior is a reaction to such.

If you would THINK the best of me like everyone says?  You would forgive and forget!  Since you can never do that you are actually 'abusing' me!  Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?  Everyone knows how selfish you are!

People assume because they can identify the difference EVERYONE can!  They don't apply the 'abusive dynamic mindset', and use normal healthy thinking instead.

When parties that wish to help they must place the normal family dynamics to the side.  There is always an ugly twist to those that abusers use to their advantage, and you will miss your opportunity if you can't separate the two.

Waffling and "Thinking the best of them" are tools of survival within the abusive relationship.  People not able to identify the unhealthy use of these aspects?  They will not help anyone, but will allow the abuser to have the upper hand once again.

Deceitful Practice of Educating on Abuse

I have noticed in some circumstances in which people speak about abuse they tend to ‘generalize’ it, or even try to incorporate everything they see sinful into the definition. 

You might ask WHY they would do this, and I have begun to see a pattern. 

They do this so they don’t have to deal with what they seem to see as more ‘minor’ offenses to them.  

They twist the definition to show that ‘everyone’ is guilty.  That way it can be addressed in a more general manner, and dealt with as such as well.   

HOW everyone can be sinful at one time or another, and downright hinting how everyone can be abusive.

The strange part of that is then they generally go into HOW the word abuse is over used.  What do they think they just did themselves?

Pattern of Behavior

What they seem to not deal with is the part of the definition that speaks of ‘pattern’.  There is a pattern of behavior.  

They take an individual that may have done something ugly one day.  I think we all can agree that being ugly isn’t acceptable either.  The problem with their example is they aren’t using the pattern that is incorporated within the definition. They label the ‘ugly’ abuse instead of what it is, and enforce the idea that everyone can be ugly at times.

At this point they will attempt ‘blur’ the line of what a pattern is.  If we take a person that has an addiction to drugs or alcohol that seems to be something they can comprehend when see their patterns of behavior.

When you attempt to show the same principal in other areas?  They mysteriously appear as if they can’t grasp the connection. 

I view this as a convenience more than ignorance.  It reminds me of a game my mother would play when she didn’t want to admit she was wrong.  I called it the ‘Southern Belle Act’.  They claim they don’t understand, but you know they do. If you can see the pattern of behavior in an addict then you know what people are talking about.  They play like they don't realize it is the same.

My mother is a very intelligent person, but when she didn’t wish to deal with something she will act as if she didn’t grasp something.  I’m not slamming my Mother, because once the issue is pushed she would admit what she was doing.  We all have our quirks don’t we?

Sadly, the parties that are trying to ‘redefine’ the concept of abuse aren’t so fore coming.  They will take examples of people that misuse the word abuse to their advantage in their presentation of how the world seems ‘confused’ as to what it means.

Lets look at a good example of this:

However, sometimes, when people use the word abuse, they mean other things. Today, the word abuse is used to describe everything from violence, rape, molestation, and verbal cruelty to any form of corporal punishment, hurting someone’s feelings, offending the religious views of another, or even “grounding” a child from something he wants to do. In society’s effort to extend the definition of abuse, the word has nearly lost its meaning.

It hasn’t lost it’s meaning at all. 

You notice that the author didn’t bring in the ‘pattern’ part of the definition?  It shows their start of the ‘Southern Belle Act’.  Unfortunately, the author will attempt show most of society are guilty parties playing the Southern Belle Act.

The first portion of her statement are seen as legitimate forms of abuse, and the last segment is where she will attempt to show US our ‘confusion’.

According the author society in general doesn’t understand:

Definitions of ‘corporal punishment’ versus ‘child abuse’

Definitions of  ‘hurting someone’s feelings’ versus ‘emotional abuse’

Definitions of ‘offending another’s religious views’ versus ‘legalism’

The last portion when she speaks of ‘grounding’?  It was some strange news story taken from Canada about how a girl was upset at her father for grounding her from a school trip, and took him to court over it.  The controversy was over HOW the child could the win this case, and how the father’s authority within the child’s life was taken from him.  The child wasn’t mistreated, and from what you read about the case?  She was being disciplined over a legitimate act that needed discipline.

How some strange court hearing that is being appealed to me doesn’t even fit into ‘example’ of society’s ignorance of abuse.  From what I have read of the case 'abuse' wasn’t even mentioned.  The author ‘used’ this example of how we as society have twisted the word abuse none the less.  How?  It must be something personal, because she never did connect the dots on that one.

This to me is a red flag when someone is attempting to educate you about abuse in this fashion.  They approach you as ignorant, and have to dumb down segments to make their points. 

How everyone can be ugly at times, and we are all sinners – thus hinting we are all abusers.  The ‘key’ concept of abuse is pattern of behavior. 

When they point out silly things like we don’t know the differences between polar opposites such as ‘hurting feelings’ and ‘emotional abuse’? 

You can be rest assured the rest of the discussion is going to be focused on how they need to speak DOWN to you to make sure you understand.

YES that is part of the “Southern Belle Act” as well.  They know they are being rude and condescending.  Unlike my mother, most of those types aren’t willing to admit it.  They claim they are trying to educate, but that is just the start of their deceitful presentation.

The ignorance is that they don’t seem to think people can see it for what it is. 

I love the way you lie - Ugh!

Its Your Fault TOO!

I have been reading opinions about the latest Eminem song, called, "Love The Way You Lie".  (Video Link highlighted)

Some people say they 'get' the song, and others feel it glamorizes domestic violence.  I found a short interview with Rihanna, and the part that bothered me is her almost childlike response, "I wanted to be part of a HIT!"

I tried for a number of weeks to figure out WHERE the attraction was for this song, and how it is strange that none of them (Characters in the video) truly try to explain the message behind it.  Rihanna got the snot kicked out of her, and I can't believe that she would truly wish to 'glamorize' what happened to her.

WELL below is my STAB at a theory!  

Lets look at the chorus of the song:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

This is the first part I think some are truly bothered by.  WHY would she said such a thing?  I like the way it hurts?  I like the way you lie? Huh?

To me personally?  It sounds like opinions towards victims of domestic violence from society.  She must like it or why wouldn't she leave?  She must have done something to trigger him like that!  She isn't innocent after all. 

I'm talking about how those justifications we read about after she got beat up, and had to listen to people justifying Chris Brown actions towards her.  She PUSHED him to beat her.... right?  Abusers for the most part are out for themselves, and in their sick viewpoints towards the relationship?  Watching her cry or burn isn't something that moves them in reality.

For the chorus she is playing the part that society had labeled her with.  I'm not talking ALL of us, but the ones that stood up for Chris Brown in a fashion that justified what he did to her.  How she pushed his buttons, and she loves the way he lies. Why else would she stay in a relationship with him?  RIGHT?!

maybe he was defending himself against her

WHY YALL ON RIHANNA SIDE HE HIT HER FOR A REASON SHE MIGHT HAVE DID SUMTHIN TO **** HIM OFF OR PUSH HIM TO HIS LIMIT

im guessing that rhianna hit him first and if she did, then she got what she deserved.

We have heard cruel attitudes towards victims, and maybe Rihanna is playing the part they asked her to in the chorus.  It was the opinion of society towards her, and it shows to THEM at least she has twisted thoughts towards the relationship as well.

Tell Me Why!!

Someone mentioned the song, "Tell Me Why" by Taylor Swift.  I'm not truly familiar with her music, but her words were very telling.  The first time I listened I thought WOW she is speaking about the dynamics of verbal abuse and emotional abuse...I wonder if most people noticed that?

On the other hand, when I listened to Tell  Me Why a second time?  I thought of all the rebukes this person would get.  I won't say 'woman' because quite frankly?  I could hear the excuses being handed to every man, women and child.

The artist doesn't have a video for this song, but I found a video link on You Tube for Tell Me Why that gives you the lyrics on the screen.

5 articles dealing with domestic violence and the church

Why is Loving You Hurting Me?, by Frederick D. Haynes III  is a very touching article about domestic violence in the church.  He speaks very clearly about the silent on this issues, and the suffering of those that we pretend are not there.

Well, let me see if I can make this plain by focusing the lens even more. There is no sadder story than the one of Tamar, found in the thirteenth chapter of second Samuel. Tamar is the daughter of King David, and Tamar happens to be extremely beautiful, yet, Tamar soon discovered that the beauty she had going for her ended up being used against her. I think I'll park here, parenthetically, because for some of you, what you have going for you has been sadly used against you. Perhaps it's the way God has blessed you to look; perhaps it's the education you have been blessed to achieve; but whatever the case, it is some gift that God has blessed you with, that sadly, has turned out to be something that haters and others are using against you. This happens to Tamar. The Book says that she is exceedingly beautiful and yet, her beauty gets her in trouble. Why? Because she has a half-brother, by the name of Amnon, and Amnon begins to lust after her. Amnon is so crazy with lust for Tamar that the Bible says: he became sick because of his love for her. Amnon is a sick man because Amnon wants to have his own sister. Sick people do sick things that will infect and affect others who are around them.

You may know what it's like to be sick and you may be doing things that are making you sick. Not only are you making yourself sick, but your "sickness" is infecting and affecting others that you supposedly care about. Not only is Amnon sick, but to heal this sickness, he consults with his street smart cousin, who tells him how to get with his own sister. He lets his father, David, know that he is sick, and he wants his sister, David's daughter, to come and feed him out of her hand. The Bible says that David allows Tamar to go to her sick brother, and when she got there Amnon made her cook the food that he desired. As soon as the food was ready, the Bible says that Amnon had everybody put out; he then went into his bedroom and called in Tamar. Tamar innocently went into the room of Amnon and he raped her.

Can you not hear the helpless screams of Tamar as she says, please don't do this? This is a terrible thing to do. But being physically stronger than Tamar, Amnon because of his sickness, takes advantage of Tamar. Imagine how Tamar must have felt. She must have felt something similar to what Ludacris articulates in the song, "Runaway Love," about poor little Lisa:
Forced to think that hell is a place called home.

For some of you, the one thing you don't want to do is go home. As a matter of fact, for some people the one place they look forward to not going to is home. Some of you spend as much time away from home as you can because of the hell you are catching at home. Why? Because I've discovered that hell is not merely an eschatological destination that you will go to after you die if you are without Christ; hell can be an existential situation that you find yourself in, even if you love Christ. In other words, hell can come to you right where you live. That is what happened to Tamar. Tamar is a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault. I'm dealing with this because sadly and shamefully, domestic violence has become the pink elephant in the living room of the African-American community. Some of us go to church, Sunday after Sunday, not realizing that there are people in our pews, sitting there, silently suffering. Yes, they are praising God, but they are internally shattered and broken by the hell they are catching at home.

Cheesehead in Paradise speaks of a roommate she had in college that she didn't recognize right away as a victim of domestic violence.  She speaks of how her roommate changed over time.  She speaks of the controlling nature of the abuse, and at times the phony type of love that others offer victims when they ask for help.

And in every story in the Bible where Jesus encounters those who have been victimized by power, Jesus always answers with grace, with love. Not the kind of phony “love” that must beat a person to keep them down, but a love that builds up. Christ always invites a love and a relationship that is about trading places. Christ invites us not to become or create victims, but to lower ourselves willingly to serve another, just as they are serving us. Christ will indeed be martyred, but he recognizes that our call is not to be subservient to our fellow humans to the point of our own demise or victimization, but instead to live in service to others in relationships of mutuality. The power of Christ in the world, and the truth of the gospel are a great equalizer: we succeed together, we fail together. We are faithful together and we falter together.

If I had known then what I know now about abuse and violence and power, I would have probably tried much harder to get my friend away from her boyfriend. But I didn’t. In fact, they got married one week after Blue Eyes and I did, and I lost track of them completely. I do not know if there was ever a transformative moment in their lives, whether he was able to get the help he needed to realize how his own sense of extremely low self-worth, and his endless quest for power in the absence of self-esteem was destroying others around him. I don’t know if she ever fully understood that she was beautiful, strong and beloved as a daughter of God. I don’t even know if she is still alive, honestly. Many women and men who find themselves in those unbalanced relationships do not survive. They fall victim to a love that wounds, that destroys, and overpowers and minimizes. In other words, a love that is not real.

The love for each other to which we are called by Christ—the love which he modeled for us in his living and in his dying and in his resurrection—is a love that asks us to be willing to trade places with others, it asks us to be brave in the face of adversity, and to lean unto Christ when we cannot be brave. It affirms that we are created good and strong and beautiful and that we are beloved of our creator. It requires that we remember who we are and Whose we are, so that we never misuse power against others. It behooves us to deal gently with those who are victims and to trade fear for justice in the lives of those who victimize. It challenges, it builds up, it accepts the love of another, it transforms. And it never hurts. Thanks be to God. Amen.

A Different Kind of Christian had Advent sermon about domestic violence.

He uses the term, 'levanten la cabeza' which I looked up and mentioned it meant 'lift his head'

Levanten la cabeza.  When facing the worst of life, up unto the end of the world, levanten la cabeza.  Christians are to be characterized by an attitude of hope, active hope.  Levanten la cabeza.
This commandment is important for us today, because many of us already know what it is to live in a destroyed world.  For many in our society, in our family, the world has already come to an end.  Their world has been torn down by poverty, by racism, by sexism, by depression, by disease.  So many in our society live in a destroyed world.  This command has deep meaning for those facing a world destroyed: levanten la cabeza.
When we encounter systems that seek to destroy our humanity, or the humanity of our neighbor, levantando la cabeza, lifting up our heads, is a radical action.  Levantando la cabeza means confronting the systems that sinfully seek to deny our identidad, identity, as beloved children of God.  Levantando la cabeza means standing up for our rights, and the rights of others.  Levantando la cabeza means hoping actively through seeking justice, through pursuing education, through organizing.  Levantando la cabeza means claiming our social identity as God’s beloved community, and enacting the justice and love that characterizes that community.
The commandment has social implications, and also personal implications.  We have a responsibility to allow the command to levantar la cabeza to transform the way we live our personal lives, our family lives.  When we find ourselves in places of depression, of unemployment, of sickness, Jesus commands us to levantar las cabezas, to live into our identity as children of God, beloved creatures.
Whatever attitude or person desiring to negate our identity as beloved daughters and sons, querida/os hija/os de Dios, is sinful.  There are few people I have more respect for in life than my friends who have stood up, who have levantado la cabeza in the face of domestic violence.  They have claimed their identity as children of God.  They have said, you cannot treat me this way for I am a beloved child of God.  I am inspired by their courage.  I believe this is the kind of action Jesus commands when he says, “levanten la cabeza.”
Today we begin the church season we call Advent.  We begin what we call “a season of expectation.”  What Jesus’ command, to levantar la cabeza, says to us is that as we wait, we hope.  Esperamos con esperanza.  We have a commandment that guides our attitude about expectation.
We lift up our heads, because we already know the end of the story.  I don’t mean I know the end of the story specifically.  I wish I was one of those preachers who could prophesy the end of the world for you.  I wish I could point out exactly who was the antichrist, and give you the hour and time of the second coming.  I could make a lot more money that way, like the writers of the Left Behind series have.  I could sell images of the last things.  People love talking about the end times.

Must Christian Wives Submit to Domestic Violence? By Patricia Backora

Some misguided Christian ministers advise, or even COMMAND abused wives to stay with their husbands, even if they or their children are in danger. Did Jesus set the example for this?

EEENO's World had a nice article about Thanksgiving.  How one of her relatives volunteers at a domestic violence shelter, and how she had also thought about doing just this.

For the record, I have no idea why this type of abuse brings up such strong feelings within me--I didn't witness it growing up, and am not a victim myself. I saw a video on domestic abuse in my college "Women's Studies" course, and it absolutely chilled me to the core. That feeling has haunted me ever since. Such a feeling of utter helplessness. Horrifying. It's a vicious cycle---children who have witnessed domestic violence most likely will either choose a partner who is abusive, or will become abusers themselves. And so it continues....

I once heard a pastor say that everyone has a calling (obviously), but if there's an injustice that you just can't STAND, then there's a reason, and you have an obligation to take a stand to fix it. Makes sense to me---people are naturally more effective and successful in areas that they're passionate about. So, I've got some work to do.

Back to Thanksgiving. The woman at the party was telling me how one of the kids she'd worked with sent her a card with that famous starfish story about how although throwing one shore-stranded starfish back into the sea may just seem like a drop in the bucket, to that one starfish it means everything! The girl wrote that she "was that one starfish".

As I was sitting there sipping my coffee in a warm home, surrounded by happy people, children's laughter, pets, and a 2-table dinner spread, it suddenly hit me: We have SO MUCH to be thankful for in this country. Now, I know this. I KNOW. We hear it constantly. At Thanksgiving we're supposed to think about all of the things we're thankful for, blah blah blah, and I do. But this year, sitting there in the warm house, thinking about how some people have to walk for two DAYS just to fill a rusted pail with muddy water (that will eventually make their waiting family ill), how some children spend their lives scavenging through garbage dumps and will never have the simple luxury of squishing a playdough shark, how many people in the world would have DIED from the sinus infection I was getting over (when all that was needed to clear it was a $12 co-pay on some easily accessible antibiotics that I didn't even have to get out of the CAR to obtain--thank you drive-thru pharmacy), the true meaning of Thanksgiving hit me. THANKS.

To those who have been given much, much is expected.

I hope you enjoyed my list of 5 articles that I found regarding domestic violence and the church.

Invisable Line of Domestic Violence

We had area where we used to go and visit for long weekends.  It was a rural area, and the deer were plentiful.  Time had already taken out the natural predators (like wolves, etc) due to the threat to humans, and the deer were over taking the area.  They were killing all the vegetation.  You see the animals knew the boundaries of the vacation areas, and knew the hunters could not cross that line.

What the animals may not have realized is they were killing off their food sources as their numbers grew, and the food sources were not as plentiful anymore. They were facing a new type of death, and that was starvation.

Soon people realized they had to do something with this booming population, and they brought in professional sharp shooters to bring the number of deer down to a manageable population.  As you can imagine some people were very upset over this.  They felt the death of these animals over the vacation homes flowers, trees and vegetation was just plain sinful. 

I can understand their view on the surface okay?  What they didn't see was the bigger picture of what would happen to these animals - and the area - if the food sources disappeared.  It wouldn't benefit anyone, and animals aren't likely to move outside the invisible line at the time just for food.  You would think so wouldn't you?  The deer meat was donated to local homeless shelters, and rest of the deer population had enough food to survive the winter.

Some deer were cocooned in that small vacation area for so long they didn’t realize there was life outside the invisible line.  There were deer that stayed inside the invisible line once the sharp shooters came, and then you had those that scattered. 

What would happen if the sharp shooters never entered the area?  In time after the land completely went to waste the deer would have moved on, but not until the resources were completely gone and many deer had died. You now have a whole section of land that went to waste, and those factors that surround that issue.  Then you have this population of unhealthy deer, and the effects of those deer integrating into the more healthy population of deer outside that invisible line.  Most people I think realize you don’t want sickly animals within healthy ones without a plan of action.

Is my husband giving me the silent treatment?

I was on a faith board recently, and I read a note from wife.  It was short and sweet with not much information to go on.  She was wondering if what she was experiencing was the silent treatment from her spouse.  Here is a summary of what was said, but not word for word:

Communication is impossible for my Husband to have with me. It's been 12 years, and he has yet to have a conversation with me that is on any kind of adult level. He will not talk most of the time, even to our children. We went to therapy, and he literally could not give an answer to any question. The silence was deafening. Finally, after many visits I was told to lower my expectations, and I would not be disappointed anymore. I don't know how much more hurt I can handle. This is not healthy for my children and me. Does God want me to continue on letting him treat us this way?

When I think of the silent treatment it comes to a form of emotional abuse its normally a tool they use to hurt someone.  The silent treatment is a childish way of abusing a person, and in most cases I would tell you to just do life as if they were not in the room. (yes I have done that)  I realize that is easier said than done, and in some cases that does ignore the fear factor.  In other words, you are waiting for the bomb to drop.  You tend to walk on eggshells during this period, and its one of the most hurtful and scary things.  You just know when they finally DO SPEAK all hell will break loose.

There is one thing that I have noticed with human nature within the Christian realm especially, and that is to assume that the woman is just expecting to much.  There were statements like, "Are you sure he literally isn't saying word?"  Opinions of how he could be he is just a quiet person, and you just don't want to look for those non verbal clues. 

5 reasons domestic violence isn't addressed in church

Houston's Praise 92.1 Radio had an article by Noelle Sewell regarding the top 5 reasons the church doesn't address domestic abuse.

Should we try to add to the list or do you think the list is fine the way it is?

Number one reason is the pastor himself could be the abuser

They themselves maybe or have been perpetrators of domestic violence (Yes I went there). There are pastors who are perpetrators and their deacons, elders and ministry leaders know it but they are afraid to call them on it. Often times the church leaders don’t want to appear to be attacking the pastor, cause disruption in the congregation, being shunned by other members, being removed from their ministry position, being asked to leave the church. Now you should make sure that there is abuse before approaching the pastor. Pray about if you have any doubts because once you make the accusation and it not true it will be difficult to restore the person’s reputation. If you witness it you need to address it with the leadership so both parties involved can be offered assistance. Be prepared to be osterized or removed from a position and/or asked to leave the church if the leadership is not ready to address the issue with the pastor.

Zero-Tolerance on Domestic Violence Within the Church

Creekside Ministries wrote an article Called, A Zero Tolerance Level.

I have to tell you in my little naive world as a same child? I always assumed that the church 'had that' no questions asked because that is how it is there!

When I grew older I knew there were taboo subjects that you need to approach lightly. In the environment that I grew up in? I already felt I wasn't capable of it, or so I thought. I would throw out small hints, and if they didn't follow up? I just wasn't justified.

When I grew to an adult I knew some subjects you just didn't bring up at all, unless you could show you are almost a Saint! They were going to look at my every move, attitude, and it seemed to me like a hunting trip for that one sin they could hang their hat on.

The Ministries first quote:

I have a zero-tolerance level for abuse in any form. It is always sin. It is a completely inappropriate reaction to stress, frustration, demands, disappointments, others' behavior. There are no excuses. We always have the choice how we respond. Period.

I'm sure most can agree with that quote from Creekside ministries, but what I have found is that the 'no excuses' is short lived in most cases.  We are going to use an example of someone that truly has their heart in the right place, and accepts what is happening and is willing to help!  I will answer in my mindset at the time when I was totally beaten down by the abuse.

I said short lived, and why do I say that? I have seen and read so many times one little sentence goes towards the 'no excuse' portion of their answer, and the rest of the time you are getting the third degree. When you live in a world that is full of fear and doubt? People don't seem to realize their intention isn't going to come across as they would like.  I will admit some people's hearts ARE in the right place, but when you don't understand a person's world?  It can backfire on you!

In the 'old' days when these items they pointed out to me about ME?









I used the same pattern of behavior I had when growing up and beyond. It was like I had a microscope, and I set it on 'magnify level 1000'. I would just rip myself to pieces!

For Example I might say about a disagreement: "Okay I sighed during our conversation, and he found it offensive maybe? This is what set the whole fight off!?" I was setting myself up to own something - well the after effect anyway - and place all my guilt on a sigh for example.

People will mention that maybe that sigh is did set him off, and maybe he was offended by it. He could have felt disrespected by that, but it doesn't justify his behavior.

Did you see the one sentences above?

If he was listening? Not only would he jump on that 'sigh' with both feet, but he would also feel more justified about it in the future. They don't realize that people that are abusive go on hunting trips looking for some sin to hang their hat on. They also don't realize when they mentioned, 'his behavior wasn't justified' and he will leave that out in the future as if it was never said. The 'offended' and 'disrespected' parts? THAT would be the only source of discussion with him.

I wish someone had mentioned that abusive parties do tend to focus on the parts that would either justify their actions, or use it in a way to smash me over the head regarding their behavior and how I asked for it almost.  When you live in a world full of confusion?  You aren't looking for that loophole, and they can twist things around to make you FEEL you sin more so than what was intended.

They also don't realize the level of magnification victims use to feel bad about it. They may have pointed this out and to them 'matter of fact' regarding this sigh, but their intent wouldn't be realized to me. They may not "intend" my sigh during the conversation equals justifying his abuse, but that is what I heard.  That shows my mindset at the time.  I was primed and ready to own it.

Some people will say that is because I was to sensitive.

NO! I was hypersensitive because in my environment that is how I learned I must be.  I don't think people count on that part, and I think that is where some communication is lost.  They aren't counting on my being hypersensitive due to watching my every move, and every statement to make sure I don't set off a bomb!  Its a way of life!


YES the 'sigh' had nothing to with the abuse. It wasn't due to being provoked, or having a bad day even! It was because he made the choice to abuse. I never figured that out until I was told this 1000 times it seems like! People that cared about me figured out that hypersensitive part about me, and they realized I had to get OUT of that habit pattern before I could truly HEAR what they are saying!

In other words, maybe the 'sigh' was a factor Hannah but it still doesn't justify his actions! The sigh should have NEVER sent him over the top like that!









I realize Harry Potter is a taboo subject within some circles, and I don't mean to offend here! I read the books while I was recovering from major surgery.  I was bored to death on bed rest, and someone brought them over.

Anyway, if any of you have seen this series of movies there was a character named Dobby. Dobby was the resident house-elf of the Malfoy family, and he served the Malfoys with total submission. The Malfoy family treated Dobby with unkindness and cruelty, often reminding him to do extra punishments to himself when he does something disagreeable to them. Dobby also told Harry Potter that he was used to death threats as he received them frequently by the Malfoys. Though he always did as he was told, he longed to be free of the Malfoys.

During the story Dobby was trying to get Harry Potter to leave the school for his own safety. When Harry Potter refused Dobby set something up so Harry would be hurt, but not killed in hopes that he would scare him away instead. (It was the setup for the danger in the movie) Dobby during the hospital scene admitted to hurting Harry, and you can imagine Harry was upset as we would all be. Dobby decided he would punish himself, and Harry couldn't take watching him hit himself anymore and asked him to STOP! Dobby was always beating himself up, because that is what he was conditioned to do.

I was like Dobby in the movie. I wouldn't iron my hands for punishment, but I would hand myself over for extra punishment when anything disagreeable would happen. Bad Hannah! Bad Hannah...YOU SIGHED YOU SIGHED YOU SIGHED...as my example goes! Guess what would leave the equation completely at that point? 'There are no excuse. We always have the choice how we respond. Period!' His behavior to me was justified, because he always told me it was...and people hinted at the sigh as part of his provoked reaction. I was Dobby just taking my punishment for it.

When people speak of No Tolerance of Domestic Violence within the Church? I think it is always important to realize the Dobby factor in that.  I didn't intentionally become Dobby.  I was Dobby in alot of ways, and I never really saw that.