I was reading on the web one night and found an response to an abused women from Focus on the Family. Basically the article told her that she should sit down and have firm 'talking to' with her husband about the fact if he hurts her again she will be forced to separate. As I had mentioned in the past, and I'm sure you might have heard before I don't like Dobson's response to this issue at all. Jocelyn Andersen the author of Woman Submit! also pointed out how his advice could get people killed, and also in his book "Tough Love" he spends way to much time on how women might be provoking the man.
Begin Quote: My colleague, Dr. James Dobson, addresses the issue of domestic abuse in his book Love Must Be Tough. He believes the best approach is to force a crisis that confronts the problem head-on. Only then can it be treated and resolved. When you and your husband are both in a good mood, let him know that you have something important to discuss. Tell him that you love him very much, but that you are not going to allow him to abuse you any more. Tell him that you want him to get counseling for his anger problem immediately, and that unless he agrees, you are going to need to separate from him for a while. Given his past behavior, it's likely that he will beg for your forgiveness and promise that he will never harm you again. As much as you may be tempted to believe him, don't. Set a deadline for him to start counseling and stick to your guns. You also need to have a safety plan in place in the event that your husband responds negatively to this news. End Quote
Was the ministries advice. NOW with a truly dangerous person - one that has proven that to you in the past - do you seriously think this would be a safe response? I know we wouldn't, and this shows the ignorance people face within the church when it comes to this issue. This is the attitude - among other things - that Jocelyn Andersen, myself and others are trying to relate to ministries. If you don't understand the dynamics of relationships of this sort then STOP handing out advice! This advice was dangerous, and clearly shows ignorance of subject. To me is downright irresponsible, and this is coming from a major ministry! I mean WOW think of the impact!
Jocelyn Andersen got a response from Focus on the Family ministries!
Response from Dr. Bill from Focus on the Family was an article she wrote about it. If you go back to the link in question they did change their response, but I don't like the fact they STILL recommend his book (Tough Love). To me it kind of makes the point mute, since the book basically says the same thing. Progress? Possible I guess. When are they going to change that section in his book to show his new found 'wisdom' especially when they are still recommending it.
Here is their revision link.
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I've been putting up THIS for 30 years, think he wast to talk about it, Mr Dobson?!
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He hit me once years ago and when this recently came up in conversation he said he can’t now remember why he did it, but I must have deserved it.
§ One day I was mopping the kitchen floor. He came over and took the mop out of my hands and said, “ Can I show you how to do this “correctly”. When I objected he called me an idiot and said he was just trying to “teach me”.
§ He has numerous times told me I do not do the dishes “correctly”, that he does a better job, that I don’t do them “right” and at times has come over while I am doing the dishes and taken over.
§ I came home from work last week. He had made dinner and was getting it all together. I reached for the vegetables and was going to add the butter to them, trying to help. He grabbed the bowl of vegetables from me, he told me “I did not “do it right” (butter the vegetables) and then called me a fuking asshole. When I later confronted him for calling me what he did , he said it was my fault he called me that, that if I didn’t act like a fucking assole he wouldn’t have to call me one. So even his verbal abuse of me is my fault in his thinking. I know this is typical abuser MO, blame the victim for the abuse the abuser dishes out. Over the years whenever I have confronted him on his verbal abuse he says he would not talk to me like he did if I didn’t deserve it. When I have told him he is abusive, he later brings it up as a joke or as an off comment, “since I abuse you so much why don’t you get out”…etc
§ One night I got up to let the dog we had out to go to the bathroom in the backyard. As I always did I stood at the sliding glass door, turned on the porch light and waited for the dog to finish and come back. He happened to get and come out into the room. He totally went ballistic, became outraged, and SCREAMED that I was an f--king idiot, why the hell did I have to turn the f—king porch light on when the dog went out ! Irrational anger, he was just insane with anger. He was violently angry because I turned the porch light on, he said did I think the dog needed it on to see ? I cried myself to sleep and I have never forgotten that. I still remember how irrationally angry he was and how such a trivial thing set him off in a rage. When I have mentioned this, he now says it never happened. I must have imagined it.
§ Some time back I wrote a check at Target and they wouldn’t accept it, told me to call an 800# they gave me. I couldn’t understand what could possibly be wrong. I was so upset. I went straight to my bank. I was so upset I started crying to the woman at the bank, I thought maybe somebody had stolen my identity or something and did not want my good credit ruined. The lady there was so sweet and she helped me and looked at my account and said I had never had a bounced check ever. She called the 800# and come to find out Kmart had reported my driver license (in error) to Check Rite and so I was in the computer as giving Kmart a bad check. I left the bank and went home, I was so upset .When I started to tell Bill what happened rather then comfort me or offer some support or even wait to hear the whole story, the first thing he yelled was, “ I told you to stay off that godamn computer !” , like that had something to do with it (he had some wild notion it happened because I bought a few things from Amazon online and used my credit card). Next day I called Kmart, they straightened it and sent me a letter of apology. When I later brought this incident up to him, he denied it ever happened (he denied he said the things he did). I have read in books on abuse that this denial by the abuser of things said is called “crazy making”. He is good at this.
§ Last spring I got some potted plants to set out on the patio. He flipped out and said he did not want them set on the patio cement because he did not want water from the pots getting on the cement , it might damage it (the cement). When I objected he said I was a moron if I did not understand that. (I guess the rain doesn’t damage the cement when it gets on it though huh? )
§ He tells me where I must plant the flowers in the flower beds, I have no real choice in the matter unless I want to be met with criticism and insults, consequently I have given up working in the yard, I let him do it all.
§ When we had to move in with his mother (to take of her and her brother who both had Alzheimer’s) he called me a bitch during the time we were taking care of her. It hurt me deeply because here I was having given up my job and my own home to take of his mom and he still treated me in this manner.
§ .
§ He sometimes raises his hand to me, of course he claims this is in jest but I get the feeling he really would like to hit me. Or balls up his fist and says “this what u need”
§ Many, many times over the years if I have disagreed with him on something he has told me he has said if I don’t like it “get out”. Consequently many years back after hearing that so many times I opened my own checking account and we have had separate accounts and credit cards for years. I do not feel secure without having my own money, not knowing when he might throw me out if I do not agree with him.
§ He tells me I abuse him, that he does not abuse me in any fashion.
§ If I have cried at his hurtful words and verbal abuse he tells me I’m being too “sensitive”. That no one but yourself can “make” you feel bad, so if I feel bad or take things to heart (his cruel words and treatment of me) then its my own fault and something I need to work on or get over.
§ He tells me I’m crazy
§ Some years back he and his siblings had a family counseling session with a mediator (due to the problems with his mom’s health and her estate), during that meeting my husbands brother confronted him on his treatment of me. His brother stated it hurt him when he heard my husband talk to me like he does. My husband came home and told me he could not believe his brother would say that, that he was abusive, he said he doesn’t like his brother and accessed he was a jerk.
§ During a discussion he mentioned sarcastically maybe we should get counseling (so the counselor could set me straight) when I commented I wondered what the counselor would say about the names he calls me he said the counselor would tell me it’s no big deal, all kinds of men talk to their women that way, and I make a big deal out of it, so really it’s my problem that I let it bother me.
§ During an argument he told I should ask my “church people” or some of my “white” friends. I took my dinner and went and ate in the bedroom. When I came out he said “I guess I should apologize because I let you “get to me” and that’s why I said what I said”, in other words it’s my fault for “getting to him” so basically the cruel words are “my fault”, its my fault he says what he says. And he didn’t really apologize.
§
OMG..he and I just a little discussion about his "verbal abuse"...he told me he never cusses me unless I really “make him hot”, I provoke it. So in essence it’s my fault, not his. I guess that incident where I was adding butter to the vegetables and he grabbed them from me and said I did it "wrong" , and then called me a fucking asshole made him hot huh?
He said "at least I don't slap you like some men do to their wives when they piss them off"
I brought up him going nuclear because I turned the porch light when I let the dog out to go potty, he said I NEVER cussed you out over the porch light. He said I imagine stuff, he said " lots of guys on death row imagine and have themselves convinced they didn't kill their victim, and your just like that. I believe this denying of things said and telling me I imagine it is called “crazy making” in abuse books.
He said when I tell him to "do things" he just does it etc. He says whenever he tells me to do something I get upset (like how to mop the floor, do the dishes, what size Tupperware container to use for left overs, what and where to plant in the garden, how many clothes to put in the wash machine, he comes behind me and adjusts the temperature when I'm cooking food on the stove, God must I go on...) he tells me how to do EVERYTHING !
And again he told I'm too sensitive and I hold things inside and don't talk about them...yeah he doesn't know just how much I hold in, because I've learned there's no point in talking to him, he twists everything back on me, even his abusive language.
I feel like I am so emotionally damaged because of so many years of this I am beyond repair. When I was 16 I remember he told me he wanted a younger girl (he was 33) so he could "train her" his way. God I was too young and dumb to understand the implication of that. I have so much anger pent up inside of me from so many years of being criticized about everything, everything. And when I have confronted him with his constant critical barrages he says I’m just paranoid or too sensitive.
Today he tells me how to mop the bathroom floor again. We have a very, very small bathroom , two people can barely stand in it at the same time. I use the sink to mop the floor with , he tells me I need to take the big commercial size mop wringer/bucket in the bathroom to clean it, that’s how they cleaned the floors where he used to work, he was a custodial supervisor and he says he got great evaluations because all “his people” listened to him and did what he said. I should too. Most often I avoid doing any housework when he is home, I wait until he goes to shoot pool or goes out, simply to avoid his attacks.
I used to get together occasionally with a girlfriend once a week, we would have coffee and chat and then we prayed together. We were prayer partners. He made comments that maybe we were lesbians, all in jest of course.
The kitchen needs painting. We had a new countertop put in and a new floor. He took some wall paper off one of the walls. In the mean time he fell and hurt his shoulder. So he has not been able (or willing) to paint the kitchen, it’s been in disarray for nearly 8 months now. I would dearly love (and would do it in a minute if he was not here) to jump in and paint the kitchen and fix it up. But I won’t, because he will criticize my painting and how I do it. So it sits undone as the months go by. So I won’t even try because I don’t want to deal with him and how he will berate me if it’s not done “his way”. So it remains undone. I avoid things that I know will bring his critisism.
Came from a lunch out with a girlfriend, we exchanged Christmas gifts as we do every year. I came home and put my gifts on the kitchen table which included a DVD and a book. First thing out his mouth at eying the gifts was A) you already have that movie, I said no I don’t and he said yes I do, he thought he bought it several years ago for me. Upon further reflection it was determined he had bought it for his sister. B) He said “you really need to do something about your book shelf, there’s books on top of it. We have separate book cases. Of course he does not mention that his has books piled separately on each shelf …it’s just mine he mentions. Also he is always commenting “why do I save my books, why don’t I get rid of them”. He says its OK to save his because he uses them for “reference” but mine of course are useless and are just taking up space.. Of course 98% of the books on his shelf haven’t been looked at in at least 10-15 years. But of course he is always right when it comes to his stuff.
You know this may not seem like a big deal, his negative comments about the gifts but when taken in context its always the same negative thing. It would have been nice had he simply said “ Hey what did you get ? and maybe smiled….but I guess I expect too much huh ?
He was cooking dinner tonight and while he was handling the French bread he stopped and blew his nose. I asked him to make sure he washed his hands before he went back to working with the bread and putting on the plates (because he never does wash his hands) and of course he got mad. He started talking about his mentally ill aunt who washed her hands 50 times a day and took 5 baths a day, said I must be becoming like her. All this because I wanted him to wash his hands after blowing his nose while working with food. If we had a guest who say this would the think my request was unreasonable ? You can’t tell him anything but he can spend his whole life telling you what to do.
This morning while sitting down at the breakfast table:
He sat down 1 minute before I did, and had just finished buttering his pancakes. As I sat down I asked him to leave the top off the butter as I was going to use it immediately. He purposely put the top back on it and handed it to me. This angered me ( I could not figure WHY he would push my button over something so trivial, why put the lid back on when I simply asked him to leave it off, I guess it was a control issue with him, asserting his control by refusing to accommodate a simple logical request I had made). I took the top off and tossed it in front of my breakfast plate (about 2 inches in front of me)…he then proceeded to go into a tirade and stated “go ahead throw it so it goes on the carpet , you are such a selfish, irresponsible person !” and on and on…note that we were about 7 feet from any carpet area and the lid was right in front of me on the table.
I ended up crying in the bathroom, God his attacks are endless and I never know what stupid, meaningless thing will give him fuel to go off on me and attack my character as a person. This just goes on and on…we are supposed to go out shopping later, God I don’t even want to be around him.
He called me a “fucking moron” tonight because I don’t use the Dish remote control for the TV the same way he does.
Called me a moron again tonight.
Whenever we “discuss” things or I disagree with him he often tells me in a condescending tone that “ you have to think”, implying of course that I don’t , that I’m a moron (as he often calls).
Last night he berated me because when I take a bath I only stay in the bath 10 or 15 minutes ! He said most women stay in at least an hour (to soak)! Can you imagine ! I told him no they don’t , and I pointed out the water would be cold by
then, he said “oh some refill it”……..what the fuck ? ! So now I don’t take a bath correctly ! He also commented he thinks its nuts that each night when I take my pills I have a small glass of milk to take them with ! gee like this matters ! I enjoy drinking a little milk when I take my pills, but this he feels is something he has to point out as being dumb or unreasonable.
I hate him.
We were watching TV and the woman on the show was crying because she was being treated bad by her husband and Bill commented about it. I told him he used to make me cry all the time because of the mean, harsh things he said to me ( I no longer cry, I am beyond that, I just build more anger inside and if I do cry it’s not because I’m hurt like I used to be when younger, I cry because I hate him and I feel trapped) and he said “ Oh you just cried all the time because you liked to cry, all spoiled children cry”…
Once again he takes no responsibility or accountability for any of the abusive ,cruel things he has/does say. I just cry/cried because “ I like to cry”, so it’s not his fault, once again its mine.
He always tells me “if there is any thinking to be done let me do it “, of course indicating my “thinking” has no value. No respect.
Today is New Years Day , he is putting his shirt on and getting dressed so I ask him where he going. He says”Costco” I say “Costco is probably closed today” (as they are normally closed on all holidays. He says in his usual condescending tone “ Why would they be closed”, indicating as usual I don’t know what I’m talking about. Then about 40 minutes later he tells me to call them and find out. I do and they are closed. I tell him, “they are closed” , he says “ I kinda figured they might be “ ! He can never be wrong ! When I said they were probably closed it
was like I didn’t know what I was talking about…now all of a sudden “he figured they were closed”..
I was cleaning the shower walls today and he came and wanted to tell me "a better" way to do, code word for 'his way' of course, when I objected, he stormed off and said "you just don't want to learn anything".
Today he got made because we did not agree on something and proceeded to tell me "you are really fucked up in the head, you are a fucked up person, you really need to see a doctor".
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