Functional Fixedness

Recently I was reading A Wife’s Submission, and she mentioned and quoted a book called the Sacred Influence.

Charis R. Hart quoted a poster that seemed to hit a nerve with many, and I have to admit the comments from this poster makes me feel very sad for those that are so narrow minded towards the world.  I just don't understand people attempting to shove others into a box that they don't fit into, and just preaching to them that THIS is good - and if you don't do as they say?  Well - sigh - they have some great manipulative little speeches that have been vomited up all over the place.

I guess I have a different prospective on those that preach the constant 'feminists are the biggest foe', and remember a healthy fear of your husband's wrath if you push him to far is just plain reality.  For me?  Its not only insulting to most women, but VERY insulting and demeaning to most men!  People love to yack up the man haters, but in their own statements they show such a short sighted view of men.  I truly have to ask myself WHO are the real man haters at times?  They claim they love them, but how can that truly be when they have such a LOW opinion of them?

They love to mention the suffering, and how it is good, etc.  Then turn around and mention the 'wrath' of men that they said got their buttons pushed.  How its human nature, because they are bigger and stronger!  How everyone has their limits!  They use Jesus as the example for wifes, and yet when his greatest suffering went down?  There was no wrath present - he allowed his father's wrath to happen instead.  It seems their message is suffer as Christ did, and act as he did to towards suffering for the wifes.  Don't forget ONE THING - if you can't you may feel the wrath of your husband.  Strange right?  Wifes - learn to suffer!  Husbands - we know you have wraths and we warned them!  How completely silly.

We have all had people that WANT TO push our buttons, and they can't tell me how Jesus was treated towards the end wasn't suppose to do that for HIM as well!  They mocked him - they ridiculed him - they tortured him - they killed him.  He allowed God's wrath to take care of business, and they don't seem to look to his example of how he responded when those buttons were being pushed.  He was a man afterall - why didn't he react as they claim men are 'wired'?  NOPE - they skip over that part, and remind us they are like GOD'S WRATH!  Strange how they truly do believe they justified sinful behavior.

Can we all do that all the time?  We aren't Jesus are we?  So NO we can't!  Can we do that sometimes?  Heck can we strive for MOST of the time?  Yes, I think we can.  I'm not talking suffering in silence in the form of enabling here!  To me there is a proper way and an incorrect way of reacting to sinful behavior.  We get so caught up with this 'men are wired to be aggressive' stuff at times that we seem to lose prospective on what is right.  It applies to everyone, and not just one gender!

Charis had a picture of her usurping her husband.  Its a picture of what alot of churches say a marriage is to look like, and yet claim the people should be in the opposite seats.  To me its not a form of gender confusion from one group or another - its their message!

Notice the ROLE REVERSAL!
Tsk. Tsk!
That was me. I “usurped his position”.

Here is a quote from the book:

This “martyr” method of marriage, though common among well meaning Christian women, shortchanges both husband and wife.

Your husband will prosper spiritually and personally by excelling in loving you. God designed marriage, in part, to help both husband and wife grow in character. If you do all the sacrificing, if your husband runs over you, he’s not growing; he’s shrinking, spiritually speaking. He’s becoming lower in character. You may well become a saint after living with such a man for twenty years, but he is going to become increasingly miserable, because ultimately, any man who treats others poorly begins to despise himself. This might sound backward, but you need to love your husband by teaching him how to love you, because its spiritually healthy for him to grow in loving you.

At one time, the thought of telling her husband what she needed would have sounded selfish to Jo, and she would have dismissed the thought. She has since learned that respect matters and that a husband won’t truly love a woman for whom he has no respect. Jo realized that if she didn’t respect herself, her husband would adopt that same attitude of disrespect….

An angry husband often acts as if only his wife needs to change. This is a false view based on a lack of respect.

Gary Thomas's words hit a nerve for me.  He said one thing that Lundy Bancroft also said in his book.  Men mistreat their wifes and families - because they can!   If you think about that for a moment?  That statement pretty much applies to any person that tends to abuse others - its not a gender only statement either.

I found a interview with Gary Thomas, and you need to remember that not ALL things within these writings may apply to abusive relationships 100%.  I truly believe that part of my own personal transformation was changing myself - not for my husband or marriage - but because that is what God wanted.  It wasn't the type of change you hear about that hints at enabling bad behavior.

You know what I mean - Advice they place out there but it only hints and is NOT in your face about enabling bad behavior - so NOW they can say that ISN'T what they meant!  Lets show some examples:

Bruce Ware:

and their husbands on their part, because they are sinners, now respond to that threat to their authority either by being abusive, which is, of course, one of the ways men can respond when their authority is challenged, or more commonly by becoming passive, acquiescing and simply not asserting the leadership they ought to as men in their homes and churches.

John Piper:

Now that’s one kind of situation. Just a word on the other kind. If it’s not requiring her to sin but simply hurting her, then I think she endures verbal abuse for a season, and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church.

Dobson:

Dr. James Dobson, addresses the issue of domestic abuse in his book Love Must Be Tough. He believes the best approach is to force a crisis that confronts the problem head-on. Only then can it be treated and resolved. When you and your husband are both in a good mood, let him know that you have something important to discuss. Tell him that you love him very much, but that you are not going to allow him to abuse you any more. Tell him that you want him to get counseling for his anger problem immediately, and that unless he agrees, you are going to need to separate from him for a while. Given his past behavior, it's likely that he will beg for your forgiveness and promise that he will never harm you again. As much as you may be tempted to believe him, don't. Set a deadline for him to start counseling and stick to your guns. You also need to have a safety plan in place in the event that your husband responds negatively to this news.

Its funny how they can't clarify past that point isn't it?  What is even stranger is that can't even admit its pretty darn close to enabling!  NOPE - we always totally miss their point, and of course they never know how to 'clarify' it any better.  I have wonder if they have ever prayed about that?

ANYWAY - here is the first video!



Some are going to take it as a bash, but I don't think it was meant that way.  To me he is trying to show people on how to empower yourself - to change yourself - to do what is holy and has good purpose.  That is key don't you think?  'GOOD PURPOSE'  I think we have lost sight of that part completely at times!

Becoming Strong Enough to Address your husband's "Functional Fixedness".
He mentions that there are quite a few books written for women by women that are very helpful in some areas that relate to men.  He also admits, "Only a women would think that this would work with a guy!"


I thought that was quite funny, and it made perfect sense!  Why?  When I listen to what some preachers try to tell us how women are 'wired', how we think or feel, etc I have to admit they haven't got the first clue about most women.  Why wouldn't that work the other way around?

He attempts to show that functional Fixedness is something that women don't seem to understand.

Men are NOT motivated by people they love - they are motivated by people they respect.

When you plea with your husband about how something hurts you, and he doesn't listen you seem to wonder if your communication skills are off when he doesn't take you to serious.  Why?  He keeps doing what hurts you anyway.

Why does your husband treat you the way he does?  Because HE CAN!

He is not motivated by your pain - he is motivated by HIS PAIN!

When he keeps doing something that he knows frustrates you?  He will put up with your frustration, and your speeches (or nagging as people say) as long as he can continue to do what he wants - because to him?  Overall its working! To him?  I can have her and I can have this - so I'm going to go with it!

People need to remember one thing that is important - God - not your martial status MUST define your life!

To become a strong women of respect is the first step to influence your husband.

He said that in most cases women will put up with their husband's weakness, because she is afraid to rock the boat.  Their whole identity is wrapped up in their marriage, and they fear his anger more than anything.

That opinion makes more sense then those rantings about how women today state 'HEAR ME ROAR', and you can dictate the marriage - and BE THE BOSS instead, etc.   When you look at abusive relationships - there is alot of fear there, and they simply ignore it.  I never understood WHY they never realized how completely stupid it sounds to most people.  They seem to think all women are man hating feminists, and its often quite silly to start from that place.  You tend to lose your audience when you realize this spirit is not within you, and you can't even relate to it.  lol yet you are TOLD you are one and DO feel this!  Just like abusers they tend to tell you HOW you think and feel - amazing isn't it?

He mentions don't worry about him being angry with you - be concerned when he loses respect for you.

 - keep in mind that is one area you need to be careful of if dealing with abuse.  Abusive anger can be dangerous.  I think what most victims don't realize?  Abusers don't have respect for their victims, and sadly I don't think they have respect for themselves either.


He turns a dear ear - she buries the pain - the relationship dies.


If you look real close to alot of teachings? Allowing a person to wake up, and basically tell them they need to respect you in this way is often called usurping the way he suggests.  I think he has a stronger point than they do.

If you can't do things that will wake your spouse up to the fact that you want their respect? They ask us to rely on spiritual pixie dust instead. You aren't given the tools this author speaks of.  If you communicate that you feel he is disrespecting your feelings of being hurt, and still nothing changes - he doesn't see the incentive. To me this author is telling you to find a way to influence him to pay attention, and at times that will be pain for him. Its not rooted in a vindictive nature - as you hear you MUST be doing so often - but due to trying to help him past that stage of selfishness and into a better man of God.

The role of the wife is NOT to change their husbands, but to change themselves.  Christ died for the church to make her holy, and her sacred influence on the husband can help him grow.  Goal isn't always to make her better - or him better - but to make it holy.

A man with a bad temper is destroying his life.  Showing him HOW to relate to people on a better level is a GOOD thing! Its a holy thing - its helping HIM!  YES there is some benefits to everyone, but it is a good desire.

I'm sure some of the items he mentions in his book would be dangerous to try with abusers - we do need to keep that in mind.  One trait of most abusive people is when you put your foot down - say threaten separation - they are all ears and ready to do what is needed.  Their 'pain' motivated them to finally listen, and in healthy relationships they will finally CARE about your pain.  With abusers?  I don't think that applies so much - their motivation is to gain that control they seem to losing.  Its hard for them to respect anyone, because frankly they don't respect themselves.

I thought this book would help others get a good foundation for a healthy sense of empowerment - something you tend to lose within the cycle of abuse.

'Dr. Dobson' counterdicts himself to much!

I'm NOT going to say the man doesn't have some good things to speak about. I do believe that all people do have some good nuggets of wisdom within them. I just wanted to be clear on that point.

I wrote a post in the past about his book: Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis in which he gave some very dangerous advice when dealing with domestic abuse with marriage. I called the article, Dobson's Advice that could get women killed!

In that article Dobson basically told others:

He believes the best approach is to force a crisis that confronts the problem head-on. Only then can it be treated and resolved. When you and your husband are both in a good mood, let him know that you have something important to discuss. Tell him that you love him very much, but that you are not going to allow him to abuse you any more. Tell him that you want him to get counseling for his anger problem immediately, and that unless he agrees, you are going to need to separate from him for a while. Given his past behavior, it's likely that he will beg for your forgiveness and promise that he will never harm you again. As much as you may be tempted to believe him, don't. Set a deadline for him to start counseling and stick to your guns. You also need to have a safety plan in place in the event that your husband responds negatively to this news.

First off I firmly believe ANGER isn't the root of the issues. There is a difference between anger issues, and abuse issues. We are clearly speaking of abuse issues, and so he missed the mark right off the bat. When someone abuses others that are close to them they are clearly broken, and you are basically dealing with someone that doesn't have a rational mindset.

Anger management could show them how to tone down their anger, but it will not remove the abuse from happening. The abuse is the core issue, and with anger management it isn't addressed. Their irrational mindset, and sense of entitlement isn't going to go away with anger management. They will find more covert ways of doing it. Does that solve the issues? Hardly.

His advice also doesn't help setup A Safe Haven that he speaks about in the article I linked to.

If children cannot feel safe when at home, how will the world outside seem to them? Yet many homes today have become battlefields where parents fight endlessly and children become the innocent casualties caught in the crossfire.

While his children were arguing one day, Dr Dobson pointed out to them: “Look out at that world. It can be a dangerous place. There are people out there who will make fun of you, or hurt you, or take your money. There must be a safe place where we care for one another and help each other. And that safe place is right here at home.”

Indeed, home should be a safe haven and happy environment for children to grow up in. It should be a place of encouragement, unity, love and forgiveness. This minimises if not eliminates the risk of children, particularly teenagers, choosing to hang out in malls just to get away from the troubles of home. If children feel loved and happy within the home, they may prefer spending time with family members rather than outside doing unhealthy activities.

That said, we cannot keep our children at home always. But we can educate them to recognise and avoid bad friends who are potentially negative influences. Peer pressure in today’s society is very real to both adults and children.

I see nothing WRONG with this advice on the surface. If you combine that with his dangerous advice he gives to those that live with domestic violence - which basically ignores the true issues - no wonder people get frustrated when things just don't turn out as Dobson wishes they would.

In his book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis instead of truly addressing the issue he spends more time speaking about how a women can push her man to far, and would much rather be hit so she can show her badge of honor (black eye in his example) so she can get the sympathy she was after. I guess since he spent more time on this example then what he was suppose to be addressing you can tell 1) he clearly doesn't have a clue about domestic abuse, and 2) he doesn't know how to show others how they can reach that 'safe haven' he believes children need to thrive.

He would much rather blame the 'battlefields' instead of solving the issues.

We need parents who are bold enough to say to other parents: “Please tell me if my child is misbehaving.” No one has perfect children, and while they are at a mouldable age, we should do all we can to teach our children good behaviour.

In our urban society, there is little sense of neighbourliness and people are often apathetic to the safety of others. But wouldn’t it benefit parents to know that there are other responsible adults looking out for their children when they are not around? We can all play a part in reaching out to our neighbours to help and protect one another.

In these two paragraphs he wishes that parents would encourage other parents to tell them when their children are misbehaving, instead of getting defensive because they are critizing their children.

When will Dobson allow spouses that are being abused to do the same thing, and receive compassion and understanding? With his website he did change the troubling advice towards domestic abuse, but still insisted the book was fine. That to me in a counterdiction. The book itself - even after a couple of revisions - still pushes his very dangerous advice. Advice that could get people killed.

When is Dobson going to truly bring the evil of domestic violence out into the open, and beam that bright light of truth on it? His safe haven article is fine on the surface for alot of families, but if he can't realize that victims of domestic violence aren't the ones that should be addressing abuse within the home with the pert of the violence his safe haven advice is mute. The victims aren't safe with this person, and accountability and addressing this needs to be done with others because of the safety issues. Children can have that safe haven - at least most of the time - if the church would step up and realize their advice in some areas lack common sense, and how they lack education within some very dangerous areas.

Until that happens 'safe havens' are just a dream that may never be realized by thousands of children.

This was one of the first books I read that truly opened my eyes on the dynamics of domestic voilence within homes.



Lundy Bancroft followed that book up with:



I also read:



Which I have to admit was very hard for me to read at first. I didn't want to admit I found that label I was looking for. I tried for a long time to make me believe it HAD to be something else.



Is her newest book. I haven't read it myself, but I know others that have and found it very helpful.

On the faith side:

Dobson's Advice that could get a women killed!

I was reading on the web one night and found an response to an abused women from Focus on the Family. Basically the article told her that she should sit down and have firm 'talking to' with her husband about the fact if he hurts her again she will be forced to separate. As I had mentioned in the past, and I'm sure you might have heard before I don't like Dobson's response to this issue at all. Jocelyn Andersen the author of Woman Submit! also pointed out how his advice could get people killed, and also in his book "Tough Love" he spends way to much time on how women might be provoking the man.

Begin Quote: My colleague, Dr. James Dobson, addresses the issue of domestic abuse in his book Love Must Be Tough. He believes the best approach is to force a crisis that confronts the problem head-on. Only then can it be treated and resolved. When you and your husband are both in a good mood, let him know that you have something important to discuss. Tell him that you love him very much, but that you are not going to allow him to abuse you any more. Tell him that you want him to get counseling for his anger problem immediately, and that unless he agrees, you are going to need to separate from him for a while. Given his past behavior, it's likely that he will beg for your forgiveness and promise that he will never harm you again. As much as you may be tempted to believe him, don't. Set a deadline for him to start counseling and stick to your guns. You also need to have a safety plan in place in the event that your husband responds negatively to this news. End Quote

Was the ministries advice. NOW with a truly dangerous person - one that has proven that to you in the past - do you seriously think this would be a safe response? I know we wouldn't, and this shows the ignorance people face within the church when it comes to this issue. This is the attitude - among other things - that Jocelyn Andersen, myself and others are trying to relate to ministries. If you don't understand the dynamics of relationships of this sort then STOP handing out advice! This advice was dangerous, and clearly shows ignorance of subject. To me is downright irresponsible, and this is coming from a major ministry! I mean WOW think of the impact!

Jocelyn Andersen got a response from Focus on the Family ministries!

Response from Dr. Bill from Focus on the Family was an article she wrote about it. If you go back to the link in question they did change their response, but I don't like the fact they STILL recommend his book (Tough Love). To me it kind of makes the point mute, since the book basically says the same thing. Progress? Possible I guess. When are they going to change that section in his book to show his new found 'wisdom' especially when they are still recommending it.

Here is their revision link.