Friday, March 27, 2009

Story of a man being abused!

Posted by Hannah at 10:16 AM

Just to be fair I wanted to share this story. I speak about how domestic abuse does happen to men as well, and I truly believe it! This story is NOT faith based, but it shows the irrational mindset of an abuser.

Helen Sun, 37, told police she wanted to have a conversation with Robert Drawbaugh without him leaving. She changed the locks on their bedroom door and, while he was sleeping Monday, handcuffed herself to him, authorities said.

Drawbaugh was able to dial 911 from his cell phone. Nearly out of breath, he told dispatchers he woke up handcuffed, was still bound to his wife and was holding her down, according to a recording released by police.

Dispatchers heard Drawbaugh scream in agony, apparently as his wife bit him.

"Owwww!" Drawbaugh shouted repeatedly. "Are they almost here? Oh God. I need help!"

Asked by dispatchers why his wife was attacking him, Drawbaugh said he divorced her. He also said she has a history of violence.

Officers who went to the home in Fairfield heard Drawbaugh screaming for help and forced their way in through the front door.

Drawbaugh was treated at a hospital, police said. Sun told investigators that restraining Drawbaugh was the only way she could get him to speak to her, authorities said.

With domestic violence we speak alot about power and control, and how abusers get out of control once they feel they have lost that from their victims.

In this example, she handcuffed herself to him while she slept. She also changed the locks to the bedroom so he couldn't get out. Notice she used tools to make sure she could keep what control she had left. In her desperation while he called 911 for help? She starts biting him.

Here is the 911 call, and you can hear this man trying to defend himself as she bites him in the arm. Her behavior shows another aspect of controlling behavior when they realize things aren't the way they want them. She feels enough entitlement that restraining someone in this way makes total sense to her. Wouldn't surprise me if she has narcissist traits about her as well.

Irrational minds are not just with men! To me this story is clearly a man that is being abused. If she had other weapons in the room with her she could have killed him. People can say they don't know the other side of the story, and make all the excuses they want to. I can't think of ONE that would be rational in this case! I hope the guy gets a restraining order. Goodness knows he has MORE than enough proof needed for one!

I don't know about you, but I felt for this man as I listened. I realize she was arrested, and I hope she gets help. She deserves some jailtime, but with the justice system the way it is? You have to wonder.

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Anonymous said...

The 911 operator should have told him they were on their way instead of interrogating him - I'm sure he would have appreciated knowing that sooner -

Rhia on 4:26 AM said...

The Dunedin 30+ year study found:

About 27 percent of women and
34 percent of men among the
Dunedin study members reported
they had been physically abused by
their partner. About 37 percent of
women and 22 percent of men said
they had perpetrated the violence.

Rhia on 4:27 AM said...

Not sure if the last post went through. The Dunedin 30+ year study found:

About 27 percent of women and
34 percent of men among the
Dunedin study members reported
they had been physically abused by
their partner. About 37 percent of
women and 22 percent of men said
they had perpetrated the violence.

Rhia on 5:44 AM said...

The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women has a brochure (link at the end) that talks about the Myths & Realities of Domestic Abuse Against Men. Here is one example from it:


A person who is 5’4”, prone to violence, and very angry can do a lot of damage to someone who is 6’2”, weighs more, and is a non-violent person. Size, weight, and/or being muscular are not good indicators of whether or not a man will be a victim or a batterer. This myth focuses only on the physical aspects of domestic violence. An abuser does not need to be bigger or stronger to throw a meat cleaver at you, rip the phone of the wall and use it as a weapon, cut up all your clothing, or threaten to call the police and tell them that you are abusing them. Violence is a matter of personal choice, not body size.

Callers to our helpline have reported that they have had their arms broken, been stabbed and shot at, been hit with heavy objects that caused them to go to the emergency room to get stitches and had their intimate partners try to run them over with a vehicle. Numerous abused men have reported lifethreatening
injuries at the hands of their intimate partners.

Waneta Dawn, author of "Behind the Hedge, A novel" on 12:28 AM said...

In my state, women do jail time for abuse. For a few years they were putting both parties in jail when there was an altercation. After awhile they realized that most of the time one of the party's was the agressor and the other was attempting self-defense, and the police were given the job of discerning which was which.

I was a facilitator for men who were court ordered to attend a batterers group, and was told that about once a year they ran a woman's group as well. However, I was told that since most of the women had been defending themselves, the group was taught differently than the men's group was taught.

Personally, I agree women can be awful, and this story is a case in point. Women, too, can believe themselves entitled to have things their way.

Yet, the reason the emphasis must be on male domestic violence has to do with societal teaching that gives men rights that lead them to expect to have power at the expense of their wives/partners. As of now, society does not have the same justification for women. There is no "girls will be girls" shrug. No church teaching that wives are to be the authority over their husbands.

Of Course, these societal truths do not mean we ignore women when they abuse. It does, however, explain why statistics say men are the abusers 85% of the time.

Rhia on 2:30 AM said...

When you said "the reason the emphasis must be on male domestic violence" I find that I disagree. The focus should be on how it is wrong for anyone to abuse anyone regardless of gender. As for the stats please reread what I have already posted and then this material below:

Here is part of an article from the May 2009 Journal of Interpersonal violence done on behalf of American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children:

The incidence of female-to-male (F-M) interpersonal violence (IPV) is
widely debated. Reported incidence and prevalence rates vary by factors
such as study population characteristics (e.g., surveys of the general
population vs. studies of incarcerated persons, or those in substance abuse
treatment), the nature of the relationships (premarriage, early marriage,
cohabitation), and study design factors such as sampling method and definition
of violence. Population-based surveys that query respondents about violent
acts reveal different perpetrator and victim profiles and overall incidence
rates than do studies that measure outcomes of violence obtained by interview
of incarcerated IPV perpetrators or IPV victims who report crimes or
seek emergency care in shelters. Data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics
and the national Violence Against Women Survey suggest that women are
more likely than men to experience IPV (Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000). But
population-based prevalence studies using surveys that measure violent acts,
such as the Conflict Tactics Scale (Langhinrichsen-Rohling, 2005; Straus,
1979), have suggested that men may be as likely as women to be IPV victims
(Bohannon, Dosser, & Lindley, 1995; Brush, 1990; Brutz & Ingoldsby, 1984;
Burke, Stets, & Pirog-Good, 1988; Straus & Gelles, 1990). Archer’s (2000)
meta-analysis of aggression gender differences suggested, in fact, that
women may be more likely to use one or more acts of physical aggression
against intimate partners than men (Archer, 2000)

Schafer, Caetano, and Clark (1998) estimated that 21.4% of males are
physically abused by female partners, compared to 13.6% of women who
are reportedly abused by a male intimate partner. Another study of dating
college students found that women were more likely than men to report
they initiated violence against a nonviolent partner (Bookwala, Frieze,
Smith, & Ryan, 1992). Moreover, recurrence of F-M violence during a
5-year follow-up period may be more common than male-to-female (M-F)
recurrence (Caetano, McGrath, Ramisetty-Mikler, & Field, 2005).
Many researchers have noted that women are more likely to experience
serious injury related to IPV than are men. Yet women may abuse their partners
more severely than do male offenders. The 1992 National Alcohol and
Family Violence Survey findings suggested that 2.0% of U.S. couples experienced
severe M-F IPV compared to 4.5% of couples who experienced severe
F-M IPV (Caetano, Ramisetty-Mikler, & Field, 2005; Straus & Kantor, 1994).

Hannah on 11:51 AM said...

I'm sorry BloggerT7165 I don't see in this post where I said, "the reason the emphasis must be on male domestic violence" part. I will admit I'm on pain meds from a car accident, and maybe I'm overlooking it...I can't find it tho.

I think abuse is wrong, and I don't care if people want to measure the 'worseness' or however they wish to term it. There are cruel people on this earth that hurt others, and it isn't even truly recognized no matter what the gender..heck not enough attention is on child abuse either! Children have less power than adults do, and people ignore that as well. They seem to forget those children grow up, and some can turn into the monsters you hear about on TV.

I don't understand how people can sit there and scratch their heads and say, "How could this have happened!" I mean what do they expect? Children that have been abused have a higher chance of growing up and abusing others. Its like has common sense left the building? LOL!

Stats can be very validating to some people, but to me they don't wake up the right people. How many years has literature spoke about what verbal and emotional abuse can do as far as damaging? YET we have way to many people thinking 'hitting' is the only form. Then you have those that are hit, and they ask "It has to be something they did to push their buttons'.

When soceity stops making excuses for themselves about denying the existance of abuse, and how it CAN happen in their backyard..maybe everyone would be better off.

No one deserves abuse - I don't care who they are. I do agree with you there. I have no clue how to wake up the world to that even if they say they are woken up! When they stop telling others to be nicer to abusers and they will stop? lol maybe I will believe them that they have woke up!

Gem on 5:46 PM said...

One needs to be very careful and discerning. My husband was an abuser, and was an expert at "playing the victim". Really, I used to be manipulated by his accusing me of being the abuser, and guilt over my angry reactions to him and did not see how effective he was at this form of manipulation/control until I read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men"

When I read the book- including the following- it cleared this up for me:
QUOTE:The term abuse is about power: it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else. Wherever power imbalances exist, such as between men and women, or adults and children, or between rich and poor, some people will take advantage of those circumstances for their own purposes. (pg 123)


Myth # 14 "There are just as many abusive women as abusive men. Abused men are invisible because they are ashamed to tell" [followed by a page of compelling evidence] (pg 45)


"a man's claim... that he is the victim of a violent or controlling woman"

AND etc. [there were other things which I can't find again at the moment. Read the book :) ]

Hannah on 9:45 AM said...

I understand what you are saying about discerning. Abusers always think they are the victim, and they will go out of their way to show you.

I can't think of a logical reason why ANYONE would handcuff your partner to a bed in order to talk, and then when you wake up and they won't let you go you call for help...and they start biting you! To me she felt like she was losing control, and was wanting it back..THUS her actions.

Just my opinion here, but if she felt she was the victim in that situation - maybe in her own world! What she did was criminal!

I have met and dealt with female abusers myself. Believe me they are out there! They are after control as well.

Lundy's book was one of the first I read to wake me up - along with Patricia Evans. I remember thinking I found my label that I'm NOT crazy! LOL Then went on for days trying to talk myself OUT of that! Abusers take advantage of that part of being victim. They play the 'doubt' card like no tommorrow!

Rhia on 11:49 PM said...

My apologies Hannah you did not say that Ms. Dawn did. I for one think that the focus should be on human rights and how all abuse by anyone is wrong.

Rhia on 5:11 AM said...

My apologies Hannah that comment was made by Ms Dawn.

Here is a study from 2006 that highlights some of the problems I often see when the discussion of male victims comes up (or female victims of female offenders):

The Glasgow Caledonian students were among 6,500 women surveyed from 36 universities for an international study into attitudes on domestic violence.

Of the 200 women, 60% said it was acceptable for women to hit their husbands while 35% admitted assaulting their partner.

Among European students, only English women were more likely to have carried out assaults, with 41% admitting that they had punched or kicked their partners.

That part (besides the 35% being higher than the 15% mentioned above) shows the problem. It is not acceptable for anyone to abuse or hit anyone else.

The studies co-author said "The bottom line is that we need make the same 'big deal' about violence by women as we do about men who behave violently."

Hannah on 10:48 AM said...

I agree with your statement, "the focus should be on human rights and how all abuse by anyone is wrong!" Personally, I think abuse is the root of all the evil in the world.

Gem on 7:55 PM said...

Abuse is a misuse of power. The woman in the video did that, as she restrained him to hurt him. Not every instance of a woman slapping, kicking, or biting a man is "abuse", although the male might see it as "abuse" because he isn't getting what he wanted. Suppose a husband is sexually coercive? She may bite and kick him. He considers himself "abused" but who was misusing POWER?

I have told my teenage daughter to be sure to slap anyone who gets fresh with them and crosses personal boundaries. If a husband doesn't have any regard for his wife's boundaries, he may be at the receiving end of some of that too. I speak from experience. And he might whine on a website about how he is the poor poor persecuted victim, but the truth is very different than the picture he would paint.

I just wanted to say that here because I have seen men online make much of their victimization, men whose behavior is clearly and consistently abusive. Not that its all of them, but its not that uncommon, and I dislike the push to make it "even steven" when authors like Bancroft and Gottman have done the research and found that-in heterosexual relationships- its far more often the women who are AFRAID. The men are annoyed and feel disrespected, but they are not dwelling in fear for their life.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I agree that there are women abusers, and being of the same race as the woman in the article, I must say I have seen stereotypical Asian female abusers, although male perpetrators are also common among Asians, so poor us - we get both!

While I welcome any revelation of truth, I find it unfortunate that whenever anyone points out that women can abuse too, out comes some person with stats on how women abuse at the same, or greater, rate as men. So on the one hand, they protest that feminists make it a gendered issue, on the other hand, they do the same thing, belying their real misogynistic agenda.

I have no doubt women abuse too, but I seriously question the validity of some of these stats, and have seen them convincingly rebutted in places. Non-abusive men don't jump up and down with stats about women as their first response to any dialogue on domestic violence - that seems to be the prerogative of fathers rights activists.

I agree with Waneta, that sociopathy does not discriminate between genders, men are given the message in society and the church that they are entitled to exercise power and control - that's why men are more likely to abuse.

Hannah on 2:51 PM said...

Most of the time those that scream about the stats? I don't care what their gender is remind me of whiners.

They are the ones that read about something horrific, and instead of showing compassion tell others WHAT about MY GENDER!

The attitude shoots their cause in the foot.

People can recognize it, but I don't think they can.

Everyone is hurt by abuse - even the abuser. They are broken, and in denial. Its not a competition. Heck if we got all the male abusers off the earth? The woman abusers leftover won't make the world any more rosy.

Generally, men are bigger and stronger. It makes sense they have the upper hand as far as numbers. The emotional abuse isn't gender specific with numbers. It has nothing to do with strength.

One of the biggest lies we caught children? Sticks and stone may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

When you look at patterns of that behavior? They were sugar coating instead of dealing with truth.

Anonymous said...

meh imo as a 16 year old young guy when i was a 14 year old boy i was abused by a gf i was with and i didint know what to do shed say i was useless nothing and would slap me id never defend my self because id never purposely really hit a girl like punched got angry mad at girl you know. only thing was play fighting and even then ive never hurt the girl other than one accident which was just a accidental tap on the cheek that was to hard which i gave her a hug after [ and allowed her to kick and punch my silly butt] the fact is Abuse in all cases needs to be stopped abuse in a relantionship is unacceptable ive lived through it and i kept going back being manipulated back that was when i was a boy. and well really i just dont know how we will ever solve it.

Hannah on 8:51 PM said...

It is overwhelming at times Mikeman I agree.

I'm sorry that happened to you, and I hope you are on the path to healing.

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