If you have noticed “church-speak” being used within your faith community to convey their message, what has the impact been on you and others around you?
Angry: What a person is deemed to be when they tell the truth about something that has happened. Because you are "angry" and have a "bitter spirit" your legitimate concerns and issues can be written off and ignored. After all, "you are the one with the problem", not the actual offender, especially if the offender is a pastor or elder.
A Family matter: When the church leadership doesn't want the embarrassment of public disclosure in the community at large regarding a scandal in the church, that scandal becomes a "family matter" and is not to be discussed with people outside of the church or group. That the community at large has a vital and legitimate interest in the matter is ignored, even when the matter involves wrong-doing such as criminal sexual conduct, child or wife abuse, a suspicious death and so on. In such cases the primary reason for something to be "a family matter" is so the leadership or church can "save face".
A Jezebel Spirit: (1) A term used specifically to describe a woman who is "unteachable". (2) Also used to describe a woman in the congregation or group who has the audacity to seek to publicly expose the unwanted and unasked for sexual harassment she received from the pastor or other prominent male church member. Such harassment usually fits the definition of a criminal sexual offense as defined by statute law, and exposure would result in negative publicity in the community at large.
Teachable: You are "teachable" when you passively accept what you are taught without questioning the exegesis or logic.
We don't want to take sides: This phrase is used to avoid making any decision at all which would deal with the abuse which was taking place in the situation.
But, please know through my faith in God I have not only
survived.....I have a happy life.
Jackie Hooper
In the Christian community, one in every four women experiences family violence. As the awareness and incidence of domestic violence increase, however, pastors find themselves ill-equipped to deal with the crisis. There is very little training, if any, provided in seminary on this subject. The challenge for every pastor and counselor is to go beyond a casual awareness of the problem to the harsh reality of this epidemic, to move past apathy to conviction, and to turn empathy into compelling action.
“Here is a book that exposes the well hidden secret of abuse within the home – yes, even the Christian home! As a pastor I have long ago concluded that those of us in leadership must create an atmosphere where victims can safely tell their story and get the help they need. My prayer is that this book will be widely read and be used to give mothers and children the courage to go for help rather than suffer the long term consequences of abuse. And those who read this book will be ready to provide a helpful response when the need arises.” —Dr. Erwin W. Lutzer, Senior Pastor, The Moody Church, Chicago, IL
"I have known Brenda Branson and Paula Silva for many years. They have a track record that is unexcelled when it comes to understanding the issue of domestic abuse. I always have found their work to be impeccable and their insights to be intelligent. Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis is no exception. I highly recommend it to pastors, women's ministry directors, Sunday School teachers and any layperson who cares about the families around them who, often behind closed doors, are imploding with abuse. Someday, we all will give an account for what we have done in this life, so may we be educated and responsible in our response to the victims of abuse and their abusers." —Jan Silvious, author, Foolproofing Your Life
"The fact of the matter is what happens in the broader community can happen within the body of Christ," said the Rev. Jonathan Weaver, pastor of Greater Mount Nebo African Methodist Episcopal Church. "The church is not a haven for saints, but a hospital. For the longest time, talking about domestic violence has been off-limits, but it is a vexing problem plaguing our community."
The Church's Role
For Christian women, faith may become another obstacle
to leaving an abusive and dangerous marriage. For women like Laura, some
teachings may confuse rather than clarify:
I think the church's contribution takes place much earlier than when it is finally perceived you are abused. So many times when I was frustrated with my husband, I leaned on my faith. My beliefs were about "turning the other cheek," "for better or worse," "treat others as you would like to be treated," all the sort of phrases that speak of unconditional love. They are profound, and they teach great things. But the church gives young women no perspective about protection, self-preservation, empowerment. Maybe these ideas are threatening in a basically patriarchal system. But the lack of them leads a well-intentioned wife to believe that selfless love comes before self-preservation. I was never taught to assess how others treated me. I was never taught that it was okay to stand up for myself.
In the family of faith, those who understand the servanthood of Christ and the concept of mutual submission within marriage -- and whose experience does not include domestic violence -- may see no problem with Ephesians 5:22-24:
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Yet if we could see how some Christian husbands use these verses to justify their abuse, we would have second thoughts. In Jenny's marriage, her church-going, Bible-savvy husband interspersed his tirades with Scripture, but she says, "It was always used to hurt me."
Unfortunately, a woman who finally overcomes her denial, self-doubt and fear to seek help from the clergy may find someone who uses the same verses to send her back to do a better job of being a wife. Even if her pastor is sympathetic, he may not be knowledgeable.
Many survivors of domestic abuse complain that even if they were taken seriously, the attention automatically focused on the abuser -- restoring him in order to restore the marriage. A woman whose husband has controlled her and robbed her of autonomy needs more than a church intent on controlling the outcome of her situation. She needs a safe, neutral and compassionate place where she will not have to fight for believability and where she can find comfort while gaining the strength to take steps to provide safety for herself and her children.
Rev. Fortune says: "Treatment of families experiencing violence and abuse requires integrating the needs of the whole person. Thus the importance of developing a shared understanding and cooperation between secular and religious helpers to deal with family violence cannot be emphasized too strongly.
"Occasionally, a social worker, psychotherapist or other secular service provider will wonder, 'Why bother with religious concerns at all?' The answer is a very practical one: religious issues or concerns which surface for people in the midst of crisis are primary issues. If not addressed in some way at some point, they will inevitably become roadblocks to the client's efforts to resolve the crisis and move on with her life.
"For a pastoror other person approaching family violence from a religious perspective, there is little question about the relevance of religious concerns. Rather, they may doubt the importance of dealing with concerns for shelter, safety, intervention and treatment. [They may think], 'These people just need to get right with God and everything will be fine.'"
In cases of domestic violence there are urgent needs which just can't wait until the abuser is willing and able to "get right with God." There are resources available -- though, as is often the case, the secular world is way ahead of the church in addressing this social problem and providing help.
Christians can do better than we have in helping women trapped by
domestic violence:
1) Clergy can draw women out of isolation by opening the subject from the pulpit. As one pastor reports in the video, When You PreachRemember Me, "After preaching on this subject for the first time, the floodgates opened up, and a number of women came to me saying it was the first time they knew they could." Men also need to hear what is not acceptable and to know they can change.
2) We need to familiarize ourselves with the resources available to victims of domestic violence and make referrals to these agencies. At best, we might start volunteering to help in these agencies ourselves, working alongside those who are more knowledgeable and learning how to better serve those in need.
3) We need to stand ready to believe a woman who says she is abused and stay focused on her and her needs until she is safe.But first we need the humility to admit how far we have to go. Though our longing to serve wherever there is need might lead us to be on the cutting edge of understanding society's problems, often as not Christians remain not only unmoved by the pain and suffering outside church walls, but also blissfully unaware of that within.
And so while Jenny may have arranged the flowers on the altar, held our babies in the nursery and received communion with us a hundred times, we don't really know who she is. Unless a way is prepared for her to break the silence of fear and shame and doubt, we never will.
Barbara Curtis established a San Francisco crisis intervention program for rape victims, which is still in existence. She became a Christian in 1987.
Domestic violence cases are notoriously difficult to prosecute.
But every once in a while, prosecutors get handed the tools for a conviction on a silver platter: An impartial eyewitness who just happens to be a police officer.
Such was the case in a domestic violence trial that made the local papers here in Maryland last week. A cop pulling into an Exxon station saw a man hit his girlfriend in the face three times, called in back-up and had the man arrested.
But according to Anne Arundel County Circuit Judge Paul Harris, who is "probably as against domestic violence as anybody, when the case is proven," one can't simply assume that a woman who is being hit didn't consent to the attack. "Sadomasochists sometimes like to get beat up," the judge reminded the courtroom--then acquitted the man.
The judge appeared to be in a snit because the girlfriend, the alleged victim in the attack, had disappeared, even though she had been ordered to testify. Ignoring decades of research proving that domestic violence victims are often too afraid and intimidated to testify against perpetrators, the judge discounted the female cop's eyewitness account.
The amazing part was the Judge Harris's comments afterward. You have to wonder how much he needed....maybe a video?According to charging documents, a police officer was on routine patrol when she saw Michael Antonio Webb approach a car at an Exxon station in Laurel. Webb reached in the driver's side door and swung his hand three times at the driver, police said.
Webb, 24, of Columbia is 6 feet, 3 inches tall and weighs 315 pounds, according to charging documents. Now serving a four-year prison term after pleading guilty to a drug distribution charge in June, Webb was unavailable for comment yesterday but had pleaded not guilty in the assault case.
His attorney, Kara Donaldson, was out of the country and could not be reached for comment yesterday.
The officer testified in court that she was 25 feet from the car at the time of the incident.
"I witnessed him use his right hand, not in a fist, but in, I guess, an open hand, and push the female's face. ... As I saw him grabbing her hair ... and trying to pull her out, that's when I called it on the radio," the officer said, according to a recording of the hearing.
The woman told the officer that Webb had attempted to pull her out of the vehicle, causing her hairpiece to fall off, and that he hit her in the face, though she characterized it as "more of a tap than a punch." The woman had no visible injuries, police said.
The officer testified, "She appeared scared. She was talking very quiet to me. She wasn't making eye contact with him."
But Harris, in an interview in his office yesterday, said the state did not prove its case, saying there was "too much speculation."Harris noted that the jury instructions on charges of second-degree assault say that it must be proved that "the defendant's actions were not consented to by the victim.""How do you determine that without the victim?" Harris said, adding that criticism of his handling of the case was "blown out of proportion."
Harris said the sadomasochist comment was intended as a hypothetical. "I'm probably as against domestic violence as anybody, when the case is proven."
Lynn McLain, a professor at the University of Baltimore, said: "Very often, domestic violence victims do not appear and do not testify, and often that is because they are intimidated by the abuser."
Of the judge's comments, McLain said, "It certainly seems to me these comments were unusual. ... They were inappropriate. And I would suspect that those comments would be reported to the [Commission of Judicial Disabilities], and they would investigate to see whether they were inappropriate."
But the family, as traumatized as they must be, aren't the only parties involved. There is also a church, now without a pastor and facing questions about its judgment in selecting a pastor. From Ted Parks' article in the Church of Christ magazine the Christian Chronicle, we find out more about what's going on from within.
**The church’s progress after the shattering loss does not mean the congregation fully comprehends what happened the Wednesday morning in March 2006 when Matthew Winkler died.**“The pieces just do not fit together,” said Fourth Street rember Pam Killingsworth. “I think there’s some things that weren’t meant to be understood. And we’re just going to have to live with that fact and go on with our lives.
**“At this point,” she added, “I’m ready just to give it to God, and let him take care of it.”
Indeed, this is a tragedy that affects families, congregations, and the church at large. in a week when we contemplate acts of violence, we find that this story is added to the others, and we grieve and we wonder. We pray and hope for better days.
Mary Winkler's story reminds us that even within the sanctity of a family, yes a clergy family, all may not be right. It's too bad that Mary didn't have a safe haven, but as is true of many pastor's wives there appears to have been no place to go and so she suffered in silence so as not to embarrass her husband -- until it was too late.
Testimony by throngs of women being brutally victimized - humiliated, beaten and murdered - has caught the attention of social service agencies, law enforcement and the courts along with hospital emergency rooms, but churches have been slow to join in the fight against domestic violence.
Since then, he’s learned to identify the signs of domestic abuse. “It’s a common social problem” that comes veiled in excuses and cloaked in embarrassment, shame and fear, he said. Women come in looking for “help for their husbands. They say, ‘he drinks too much and has a problem with anger.’ ” Father Dahm, the co-founder of Chicago’s 8th Day Center for Justice and an outspoken advocate for day laborers, economic justice and the homeless, knows what lies under those concerns - “she’s a victim of abuse.
“I think (the clergy) has to look it right in the eye,” he said. This means broaching the issue in the homily, perhaps in the form of an example for the purpose of making a point pertaining to violence. In his message to priests and deacons, he warned, “If you talk about it, then be prepared because the floodgates are going to open.”
Although the priest may be the one the victim seeks for help, it doesn’t mean that he has to become a family counselor. “I’m someone who is a bridge for them, to get them through to safety. I connect them with resources, then I don’t have to worry about it.”
When a woman opens the door to the secret pain in her life, he said, “How we respond in the first 15 seconds is critical.” It may knock a priest or deacon off base for a moment, especially if the woman and her spouse are highly respected members of the parish community, but her cry for help deserves an empathic response. He advised the clergy to offer immediate support with a phrase such as, “That’s terrible. How can I help you?”
Attention must be paid to the woman’s emotional state of mind, he added. “You have to give them permission to talk about the situation. You have to hold the abuser accountable.”
Having witnessed the result of brutality and ruled over the murderous consequences of abuse, Deacon Welter is unwavering in his attitude toward violence. He routinely tells women, “You have a right to be safe and free from harm.”
Meanwhile, churches need to become “user-friendly” by keeping a supply of pamphlets on-hand to help women in violent situations. “You don’t put them out in the narthex, where he can see you taking it or everyone in church can see you; put them in the bathroom,” she said. The USCCB has available “palm-size cards” with hotline numbers for help that she can put in her purse.”
I also want to say I'm not so sure I agree with the avenue she seems to be taking. She mentions at the beginning of the video that people were offering prayers for her after this happened. Those prayers made her feel weak. That made me feel uneasy right off the bat! I'm NOT saying prayers can't do that to a person, but I would assume those prayers were meant to uplift her in this awful time in her life! They were not given with some manipulative tone that you hear some use them as! WHY would she see those prayers as a Damsel in Distress? The Victim? She may have a similar experience to a lot of people when it comes to domestic abuse, but I sincerely believe she isn't ready to become advocate of this cause! How many people that have had this happen to them are emotionally, physically, etc ready for such a job? She was silent on this issue as she mentions, but now wishes to speak out. Speaking out is fine - especially about her OWN experiences maybe...or others since he is in the front of the media as well.
Having had this happen to you doesn't automatically give you the green light to become an advocate! There are a lot of things you must learn, and changes within yourself you MUST happen before then! It doesn't just TAKE a couple of weeks either! She might be a wonderful advocate somewhere down the road, and I'm NOT saying she can't speak on the issue! She doesn't have the qualifications to be an advocate in the realm in which I think she means! I have to wonder if she is getting caught up in this whole mess! I'm sure she means well!
I agree with her stating that most of the world HIDES from this issue, and its no secret what I feel with in the faith realm in regarding to that statement! They are lacking worse in more cases than the secular world! If she brings this cause UPFRONT where it belongs I'm all for that, but she has to be VERY careful with how she plans to do that! She has a lot of healing that needs to be done, and I'm NOT saying God isn't calling her to this cause....that isn't my MINE to call! I think she is pushing way to hard for now, and needs to concentrate on HER! She could be a very good spokesperson down the road, but she is to broken...because SHE is human like anyone else and that DOESN'T make you WEAK to admit that! All people that are involved in domestic abuse are broken, and that doesn't mean LESS THAN or objects of PITY! That doesn't HAND them the trophy of VICTIM HOOD! lol! People get so carried away with that! People become broken with all kinds of uglies in this life, and restoring yourself is part of it as well! Granted some roads are worse than others, and some woundedness is worse as well! She needs to stop thinking in terms of stereotypes, and realize she is human and its okay to say I'M Broken but I'm working on being RESTORED! With abuse the mindset of the individual must also change - that job isn't just for the abuser!
By her own admission the NIGHT in the parking lot was the first clue that her relationship had a bit more problems than usual. She hid her issues, and she didn't speak out about them. Why? I believe she has stated before she speaks of other aspects of her life! Abuse THRIVES in silence, and her judgement call she needs to admit was AWFUL...not just mention this is something she kept to herself! Her denial of the past is part of moving forward, and owning your part in this! The denial keeps us within the relationship! Our hiding does also! YES there are reasons for that, but if we can't even admit the hiding and denial was there.....lol when is the healing and growing going to begin? I mean that aspect of this! If she didn't have the wealth and the power to rid herself of him from her life.......would he really be gone now? I'm sure she might say YES, but when you are a different position...you just never know!
One point she did make VERY well is the fact that you didn't see to many celebrities or public people speaking out about THEIR experiences with this did you? Society as a WHOLE does in a lot of ways place this on the back burner as people that fight for this cause get burnt to a crisp with their efforts to change! There was a lot of media on this, and a lot of opinions on WHO did what WHEN...Who said THIS or THAT...and she is RIGHT! That isn't the issue here! Domestic abuse needs to come out of the closet! October is domestic violence month, and there are other causes as well that use this month....and you see a lot MORE coverage for that! It is a very scary subject for ALL involved, but if we are make a difference it has to be HEARD and recognized! She may be able to HELP there, but that is AFTER she heals herself! If that makes her feel weak.....she needs to check her pride a bit! Everyone involved with abuse has to do that, and its not easy.....and if she feels she will overcome THAT is part of it!
I will admit I don't know much about her story, but her not willing to admit to that reporter that she had been in another relationship with abuse.......just shows its a pattern in her life! Its very well documented if you don't take care of your issues it WILL happen again! Getting them OUT of your life is just the first one! Separation from the abuser is just the very FIRST baby step towards making yourself abuse free! That doesn't mean you won't run into an abusive personality again - it means you are better equipped to deal with it properly! We can see it sooner before the horror takes over our lives! We learn when to walk away EARLIER even if it breaks our hearts, and we are STRONG enough to use the LAW if necessary to KEEP them away for good! We are OKAY with people NOT agreeing with us, and are still very comfortable with what we feel! We find ways of NOT allowing people to make us feel stupid, worthless, or as if we deserves this! There are ALL kinds of factors that you may have - and another person has a different set to own! If we have a pattern in our lives, and that doesn't always have to be bad relationships in the past........we have certain mindsets we MUST get ourselves out of as well!
Friends, as we rally today in the awareness of the domestic violence that diminishes the integrity of men and women, and of our homes and communities, let us rally today, in the hope of domestic peace, and the assurance that it is never God's will that anyone of God's precious children, whether boys or girls, men or women, old or young - it is never God's intention - to use boy-friends and husbands as instruments of divine punishment or retribution. It is never God's intention that anyone live in fear in their own home. It is never the intention of God that anyone should live in captivity and fear. So let us rally in the hope of domestic peace, knowing that peace in our time is God's will. Let us rally in the hope of domestic peace, knowing that the kingdom of God is not reflected in notions about the home being a man's castle. Let us rally in the hope of domestic peace, knowing if you are a Christian, that Christ came to bring peace to you; knowing that if you are Jewish, that the peace of the house is the shalom of right relationships; knowing that if you are Muslim, that in Islam is peace; knowing even if you are not sure what you believe, or if do not believe, that there can be no justification, no excuse, no rationalization for harming those you have made a solemn promise to love.
All too often I hear the Scriptures of my faith quoted in justification of abuse and harm, when they were meant to provide God's grace for families like yours and like mine to fulfill their dream of peace. All too often, women who are seeking advice from their clergy or faith leaders have been told to go back, to put up with it, to be quiet and be more obedient, when what they should have been told was that their lives are precious in God's sight, and that the abuse they are experiencing is grievous to the heart of God. All too often, communities of faith have tacitly condoned the actions of abusers by their silence or worse yet have reinforced the patterns and cycles of abuse by defending the false sanctity of so-called traditional family values.
But God's intention for households of peace is given from the opening chapters of the Biblical witness, and is continued right through to the very chapters so often quoted from the Apostle Paul as justification for the subjugation of women: for in the same sentence where Paul so famously speaks of obedience, Paul commands: Husbands, love your wives, and never treat them harshly.
Pastors, have you ever preached a sermon against domestic violence? Odds are, you haven’t. I’ve listened to approximately 4,000 sermons and have yet to hear a pastor condemn domestic violence from the pulpit.
Southern preachers prefer to pontificate on matters like abortion and homosexuality. Sometimes they rail against feminism. On occasion they preach against pornography, using the occasion to slam churchwomen over immodest attire. In every denomination, pastors preach often enough on tithing, and never fail to pass the plate. Yet they fail at addressing an issue faced by approximately one fourth of their congregation.
Recently a wildly popular pastor shoved the problem of Christian violence into the spotlight when he choked, kicked and stomped his wife in the parking lot of an Atlanta hotel. In the South, beating your wife may or may not be a crime. Records show that the most common law enforcement response to domestic violence is “separating the parties.” Victims rarely press charges because they fear reprisal. Law enforcement rarely presses their own charges (though they could and should), essentially treating wife-beating as a “victimless crime.”
Bynum is pressing charges against Weeks and seeking to end the marriage. Attorneys for Weeks say he will contest the divorce on the grounds that she was cruel. The strangest part of this story is not that the man who kicked and stomped his wife is contesting the divorce or fighting the charges; that happens all the time. What is so bizarre is where this man was just a few days after the beating: He was behind his pulpit telling his congregation that the devil made him do it.
Finally, a preacher is talking about domestic violence! If only his congregation had responded with a resounding movement down the aisle – and right out the church door. No one should sit under the teaching of a wife-beater. The elders should have stripped this man of his title and never let him behind the pulpit again.
My 17 years of counseling with couples and families have shown that when emotional abuse is also taken into account, most often the perpetrators are women.
The dominating and angry spirit that is within many women (until they are truly saved) drives them to destroy their marriages and corrupt children. This is a hard reality that society must acknowledge and deal with straight-up.
Ever since the original corruption of the first woman in the Garden of Eden by the serpent – and man's failure to resist or correct her – that same malevolent spirit has been destroying the relationship between men and women. (And to this day, men continue to perpetuate women's contempt for them by being weak, selfish and angry.)
Christians need to search their hearts about what it really means to be "born again." Only then will they be able to reject false preachers and resist the forces that seek to destroy God's order, and the bond between man and woman.
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