Its not a Communication Problem. Its not an Anger Managment Problem.

Can't see Video?  Click here.


All to often when abuse victims try to describe what is happening in their life they are told they have ‘communication’ problems.

That is one of the biggest misunderstandings it seems to me.  It isn’t a communication problem between the two parties at all.

On occasion my children and I watch Teen Mom.  One of the couples since the show started was Amber and Gary.  Amber in this case is the abusive party.  Gary on the other hand seems to be the enabler, along with the victim.

I don’t think most people blame a couple for trying to stay together, because they have a child.  If you watch Amber she got herself into trouble for physically attacking Gary, and like most abusive people has a really hard time dealing with the consequences.

I wasn’t able to upload these video clips to youtube due to copyright, and you may have to download Adobe Flash in order to view it the video I have supplied.

One thing you notice is that abusive people refuse to handle the ugly sides of things most of the time.  I can empathize being scared because you know the police and child protective services is looking to speak to you.  Anyone in their right mind would be a bit intimidated and scared.  Amber on the other hand handles this in true abuser fashion.

It’s the way they handle anxiety that causes conflict.  Its not a communication problem, and its not an anger problem.  They divert this anxiety to other things, and attempt to start fights.  They next thing you know they are saying things to bait you into saying something they can attack you over.  They are screaming irrational stuff that makes no sense.  You are often left confused, and wondering how the conversation got to the point it did. 

Lets look at the first scene:

Right away Gary is trying to approach this ugly circumstance in a smart way.  He wants to speak to Amber about getting lawyer, before they deal with the police or Child Protective Services.  Notice how they can’t even have that conversation!

The police want to talk to Amber, and she doesn’t want to deal with this at all.

“So you do thing it would be smart for me to get a lawyer, or do you think it would be smart for me to go to jail?”

“So, if a lawyer is more than jail should I just go to jail?”

You can tell by Gary’s face he realizes she is attempting to bait him into a fight.  She rambles off two irrational questions right off the bat.

She doesn’t want to deal with this.  She doesn’t want to get a lawyer.  She doesn’t want to talk about this.

Gary at this point is attempting to communicate with a person that is going into her irrational mindset.  When abusers get like this?   There is no talking to them. 

I realize some people would tell you then approach it at a different time.  What they REFUSE to acknowledge is this is HOW abusive people deal with anxiety and fear – and there IS no GOOD time to approach this.

Amber would much rather fight if Gary doesn’t shut up, and make this go away.  Amber would rather blame Gary for this happening to begin with.  We all know that things can’t be approached in that fashion.  The victim is placed between a rock and hard place.  You already know a fight is going to happen, because the irrational nature has already started.

She is combative because she thinks the world should leave her alone, and if it has to happen GARY can pay for it!  Why?  Its his fault this happened, and he needs to pay for the consequences.

“The next time someone calls for me how about your give me the phone” – as if she could handle this circumstance.    As if that has anything to do with the conversation. 

Jack Schaap Transcript - response to 20/20 broadcast

Jack Schaap arrogant response to the 20/20 program, and his enabling Elders snickering in the background

The picture of Jack Schaap preaching to his church after segments of him appeared on the 20/20 show about Tina Anderson and Independent Fundamental Baptist Church.  It seems his congregation was a bit alarmed that they used him as an example of what some circles teach.

Schaap states with pride that he was quoting the word of God, and yet if you listen to what he said during the program?  None of it came from the bible at all.

You see I'm don't take my theology from a woman ISN'T in the bible.  Telling women they better look like they did when they got married, and don't allow themselves to get fat?  Its not in the bible either.

His response to the 20/20 program is defensiveness, and something the program pointed out.  You don't question nor criticize your pastor.  He can't throw 20/20 out of the church, and so instead Schaap decided to proudly rage in church instead. 

He basically proved the point of the show, and I don't think he even realized it.  The attitude they spoke of is right there for the world to see.

He was so comfortable with what he say - he told video locations throughout the internet to pull down his response due to copyright infringements.  lol okay then!

You don't take down videos of you justifying yourself to your congregation if you sleep well at night with what you said.  You don't take down videos of yourself saying, "Hallelujah God's word is getting out!" of you really MEAN IT!

You notice the elders in the background with smiles and grins on their faces?  It shows to the world their acceptance of the venom he throws at others, and their pandering to his hatred.  He admits he is arrogant, and basically tells others if you don't like OH WELL!

I have recently seen the Jack Schaap video up again on the internet.  You can search for it, but I decided to post his transcript of the video response to 20/20.

Jack Schaap Transcript - response to 20/20 broadcast:

ABC news called me this week and said "We heard that you believe that men should be in charge of their wives"

I said, "No sir, I didn't say that. I said God said that. He said husbands are the head of the wife."

I said, "You got a problem with what I said when I'm quoting the Bible, then maybe you should take it up with God."

He said, "Do you think that's appropriate?"

I said, "Son, anything God says is appropriate. I think you better get that straight right now."

I never apologise for standing where God stands. I never worry standing where God stands. Somebody says, "You know what they are going to say about you?"

Pffft, who cares?

Stand in line, pick a number, slob!

Get you little squirt gun out and squirt away.

This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women

Look we exposed a new oppressive layer!

I had been reading some reviews about a book called, 'Half the Sky:  Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women'.

Christianity Today has a quote that I see as universal in some aspects, but when it comes to our culture it gets blown off.

While women do suffer at the hands of men, the authors point out that it is women who abort their female fetuses, who cut the genitals of their daughters, who favor their sons over their daughters for education and medical treatment, and who often abuse their daughters-in-law. "In short, women themselves absorb and transmit misogynistic values, just as men do. This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women, but a messier realm of oppressive social customs adhered to by men and women alike."

All over the world we have social customs, and belief systems that can be oppressive.  It's never a tidy world, but often looks like the layers of an onion.

Once you deal with the top layer, and peel it away?  You normally have different issues to deal with underneath.

Narcississm - Its all about Him

Blog talk radio interview with Barbara from Sanctuary for the Abused, and she is interviewed about Narcissism.

All About Him speaks about what is a narcissist, and how to identify a narcissistic behavior.

This isn't a gender issue again, and its a good interview if you have questions about Narcissism.

It Takes Two To Tango!

I have heard and read way to often the 'two to tango' phrase when people were confronted by hurtful cruel acts of a person acting abusive. Remember ABUSE IS A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR! I will admit at times early before I knew what I was dealing with I tended to engage with abusive people when I should have just choose another form of communication.

I don't know how many times I have heard people state to others that they don't have to fight. You make a choice NOT TO! What people didn't realize is that can backfire on you as well. It reminds me of the time in school in which a bully approached me in the lunch room, and I spoke to my mother about my fear. She told me I had a choice to turn and walk away. I told her this person would jump me at that point. Instead of acknowledging that point she told me not to be silly about this.

I think I learned from childhood how to detach from a situation, and I have to say it has its place. I won't tell you its the best way to handle things. I don't believe it is. I remember taking the advice about how to make that choice NOT to fight. I was then accused of ignoring, withdrawing, etc.

I was then told that I needed to use boundaries. No matter what HOLD your line! I wasn't asking for anything unreasonable. I was asking for communication without raging, name calling, blameshifting, etc. I learned a new lesson:

When you are again thrown off balance by your difficult person's words or behavior...you again get to relearn that hard lesson that is inevitably learned by everyone who tries to get close to a fool: To love a fool is like hugging a fan; you will only be sliced up in the process.

This 'it takes two to tango' really confused me at that point. Okay. I have tried all the above, and MORE..so much MORE! Him? If you look at that portion you will see that most people are cowards on that front. They did not fear my reaction to their advice, but it seems they were of his! Instead of acknowleding his behavior for what it was I was asked to 'change myself' only. I was given no validation that what he was doing was wrong. If it was mentioned it was pretty much in passing.

I have to wonder HOW people are to grow as others wish them to, and change in a way that is healthy when you can't acknowledge the dynamic that is there? I didn't fight back, and I got thrashed for it. I walked away and I got jumped just like the child in the lunch story I mentioned. I detached and I did see him for what he was, and I learned pretty quick at that point that the world COULDN'T!

Quote by Nancy Edwards that moved me.

Jesus is good and pure; our motives are always mixed.
Jesus speaks words of life; we speak words that protect our own sense of reality.
Jesus loves sinners and judges sin; we judge sinners and ignore sin.
Jesus is wise; we are dogmatic.
Jesus sees people’s hearts; we see their defenses.
Jesus is very attractive to needy people; we are often the last place they would come.

I remember that hint of blame towards me when I woke up. You know the saying! YOU are just looking for the easy way OUT! It takes TWO to TANGO!

You know how that made me feel?



I figured out that their answers were setting me up to lose. I could never win or even make any headway if they couldn't acknowledge the evil I was dealing with. I couldn't make it better if I molded myself into their perfect person that didn't do the dance of the tango. If I learned to NOT FIGHT, and detach myself from the venom and used boundaries ... take wouldn't change the dynamics.

If you can't acknowledge evil behavior you are just enabling it!

Sanctuary for the Abused had an article today that linked to another article called, Blaming the Victim of Narcissism.

Barbara at Sanctuary for the Abused had a comment to her post that I wanted to share:

A group of guerrilla fighters burst into an evangelical church, during Sunday service, in South America. "Everyone who proclaims to Love the Christ, must stay and be shot! the rest of you can leave."

Within minutes the church was nearly empty. The congregation exited out the windows and doors. In the end, only 3 remained; waiting to be killed.

The guerrilla fighters immediately threw down their guns and proclaimed:
"My fellow BRETHREN! now that we have rid ourselves of the hypocrites, let us worship our Lord in Truth!"

I think we all wonder if we would be the ones that fled, or the ones that stayed don't you think?

The three that remained at times remind me of the percentage of church goers that will acknowledge the dynamics of domestic violence in its true form. I look at the ones that preached to me about how I need to change myself, and yet they were afraid to acknowledge what was truly happening to me were hypocrites as well.

I have seen and heard from so many people feeling that they can't worship the Lord in Truth, because in their world there isn't any. People have told them they are JUST as evil, and they are looking for the easy way out. They are told to change themselves, and don't worry about your spouse. They see these huge hurtles and large mountains...and they are tired...they don't know if they can prove themselves any longer. They just aren't good enough for Jesus. The spirit is being stripped, and their sense of self worth is disappearing all together. They hear we are rags compared to Jesus..but that rag has an extra meaning that others can't comprehend. People stop them from feeling the love, compassion and mercy. I don't think those that are ignorant realize what a stumbling block they are handing these suffering people, nor do those people choose to view it to close either.

Barbara's article today is quoted as saying:

Since when is it good to be friendly with bad people? Since when is winking at their wrongdoing a virtue?

Perhaps someone can quote chapter and verse in the comments, because holier-than-thous really deserve to have their religion's true teachings show what frauds their twisting of religious doctrine makes them.

In the New Testament, in Revelations, I believe, in one of the letters to the churches, some holier-than-thou Christians are read the riot act for that very same pretense.

The author unloads both barrels at them with this truth: "Good people are not lukewarm toward evil.' Its says.

Cowards Are.

The article she linked to began:

The first thing the victims of narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame.

Not one bit.

In other words, he didn't get mad because dinner was was late. She didn't blow up because you are "too this" or "too that." You didn't "ask for it" by speaking up and saying that you deserved some attention and respect.

The narcissist attacked you just because you are there, period. Don't you have a right to be there?

Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications?

Does that make any sense? That's as hateful as the crime against humanity of attacking people just for being a certain KIND or nationality.

The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.

It would make as much sense to blame a sheep for getting attacked by a wolf. So what if the wolf says, "I attacked her because she is an obnoxious sheep!" What idiot falls for that line? Yet narcissist sympathizers are doing precisely this and are therefore being irrational.

The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period.

If people tell you that it takes two to tango...ask them when the behavior of the abuser would be acceptable? When is it acceptable to attack with rage, wrath, name calling, blameshifting? Why would they think their mininizing of that fact would be acceptable to Jesus? Would Jesus say it takes two to tango, or would he call out evil for what it is!

Johanpdx Blog had an interesting article about this called, Does God Hate Divorce? The article spoke about how pastors can use scripture from Malachi in order to NOT deal with domestic violence within the church!

• The passage from Malachi is just as much about the community's unfaithfulness to God as about any individual covenant violation, but, too often the abusive husband (and his sometimes unwitting confederate, the usually male pastor) find it convenient to use Malachi's words exclusively to bind the victim.

That's the part I never understood! Why intend to force them to stay, and NOT address the portion that making them - to put simplistically - happy, safe and in peace? In most cases victims wish the abuse to stop, but not always the marriage to end. When they realize the domestic abuse isn't going to end or even be addressed that is when idea of fleeing comes up.

To me this type of approach is to manipulate someone to stay, and is that really want God would wish from this pastor?

• In Malachi's time, most if not all divorces were initiated by men; the clear intent of the passage is to protect women from being selfishly abandoned, not to prevent women in violent situations from finding safety.

That also seems like common sense. To me God wouldn't wish someone to stay in bondage, because everyone chooses to ignore the reasons for the bondage. I mean is marriage truly suppose to be bondage? I'm NOT talking about the one flesh bond here! When you are dealing with domestic violence within marriage quoting passages to make the victim second guess herself and NOT address the factor of her safety overall is sin. Its a manipulative way of keeping her there, and you are basically saying her safety isn't important to God. That is a lie! God does care about the safety of victims, and these pastors are acting like the ones that walked passed the victim in the story of the good Samaritan! They are walking on the other side of the road, and totally ignoring the morality of what they should be doing and what God calls us to do.

• It's convenient for abusers and their confederates to emphasize only the first words of Malachi 2:16, "God hates divorce," leaving out the part where God hates it when a man covers himself with violence. Even if we accept the interpretation that "violence" here refers to the divorce itself, it seems self-serving to ignore the violence within an abusive marriage--and that the biblical caution is principally aimed at the man. Look at the tenderness with which Malachi talks about the ideals of marriage; compare that to the selfish domination of an abusive marriage.

When I hear about how the portion AFTER the comma in this all famous quote is misapplied in the fashion that the author states above I have to wonder if these Pastor's truly know the spirit of what Jesus represents. They are quoting the words, and NOT getting the message! The fact that domestic violence is illegal as well, and the pastor's are telling the family to ignore that portion just plain shocks me! They never stop to think of the brokenness of the abuser, and they fact that they are NOT safe to the family! They need to be removed so their root of rage, and true brokenness needs to be healed. That their family needs a separate type of healing, and above all a sense of safety within the home.

All to often we see families in the news in areas that are war torn, and we feel sorry for all of them! We wish we could find some way of making the war end, and have peace come over their lives! We THANK God for the blessed place he has placed us in, and mourn for those families living in terror! Do people forget that those that deal with domestic abuse within the christian home are living something similar to those they mourn for on the television? They may not have bullets, bombs, and solders but they do have an abusive christian spouse that is having them live in a type of war zone they seem to ignore.

• The Bible itself doesn't support misplaced and selfish literalism. In God's name, Ezra commands divorce (Ezra 10:10-11) in the same sort of larger situation Malachi addresses--namely when Judah breaks faith and goes after daughters of foreign gods. In an abusive marriage, hasn't faith also been broken?

Protection from Abuse, Violence against Women (or men), Emotional abuse with the marriage, or emotional abuse of a child needs to be dealt with with some common sense! Controlling behavior needs to be addressed! Martial abuse, Traumatic bonding at times as well needs to be taken seriously. Prayer is always welcome, but sacrifice on the behalf of believers to make sure what is morally correct needs to happen! We need to stop the invalidation of the fear and agony that is happening within christian homes! Sermons on Domestic abuse or Sermons on Domestic Violence needs to happen ALOT more often! Most people state they have NEVER heard one!

• Malachi says, "... The Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her ...." How dare anyone cover abuse with public piety when God witnesses the true state of affairs, even though the church and the pastor might be clueless?

I have to wonder at times what the Lord says to these pastors and abusive spouses come judgement day when he KNOWS they KNOW what is really going on, and make some choices NOT to deal with it! How they allowed headship to be used as a tool that is not fashioned after what scripture says it is. How submission is used as a weapon to guilt those that are broken under the bondage of abuse. When you read James 3 and try to tell families that verbal abuse and emotionally abuse isn't REAL abuse! That's a lie! Prayer for the abused is always welcome as I mentioned, but healing must take place as well. When you have a world that won't acknowledge the damage that is clearly stated in scripture they are denying help to those that really need it. You can't ignore narcissist attitudes, and then state 'I said I was sorry' is remorse! Listen to those that are hurting because they are only going to tell you the tip of the iceberg! If you show them you are safe you will get the information you are looking for! If you use scripture to show them they must stay in an environment they are telling you is damaging them - you won't be seeing them anymore and you passed up an opportunity to find true repentance and healing to a family.

The author had a video attached to their message, and it was a song called, "You have to choose!"

So what are you going to choose? YES God hates divorce, but he also hates how churches are dealing with domestic violence! He hates the excuses you are handing down to deal with it as well! Do you really think submission is going to end the healing? If so get some education, but God sees how they treat their wifes of their youth. You need to also!

Perfect Example of Narcissism

This man makes me sick to listen to his ME ME ME attitude of pure Narcissism! Gale Warnings posted this audio, and has more information about these messages on the blog.




You change the situation around a bit, and it sounds like some preachers I have heard about! I found a list called the Narcissiam checklist for pastors, but I think it applies in other areas of our lifes as well!

I thought it was a perfect example of Narcissism! What do you think?

Family Court Crisis; Our Children at Risk

This video below is about 43 minutes, and it shows the breakdown of the legal system in the family court. Along with personnel it shows the stories of 2 ladies and 1 gentlemen, and how the system isn't working for the rights of the children. How they want to bring about chance, instead of lining the pockets of lawyers, mediators, therapists and the rest.


2008 Family Law Documentary

www.CenterForJudicialExcellence.org
As part of our ongoing effort to educate and engage the community, the Center for Judicial Excellence recently produced a 42-minute documentary addressing the serious systemic breakdown of our family courts.

Family Court Crisis: Our Children At Risk features personal testimony from individuals who have experienced the pitfalls of our family law system and expert evaluations of what has gone wrong. The video was screened on the East Coast as part of the fifth annual Battered Mothers Custody Conference on January 12, 2008. www.BatteredMothersCustodyConference.orgAdvocacy

We are taking our efforts to Sacramento! CJE is introducing the idea of a Judicial Performance Evaluation (JPE) program for California to our State legislators. JPE programs already exist in 19 other states and are generally popular among judges and voters alike where they have been established.

Colorado and Alaska are two great examples of states with successful JPE programs. To learn more about JPEs visit the Institute for the Advancement of the American Legal System (University of Denver) online or click here to download a one-page pdf about CJE's advocacy work.

Divorce Court With Juanita Bynum

I heard about this, and saw that it was on Youtube!



Juanita Bynum on Divorce Court 1

Juanita bynum on divorce court 2

Juanita bynum on divorce Court 3

Juanita Byum on Divorce Court 4

Juanita Bynum on Divorce Court 5

Juanita Bynum on Divorce Court 6

Juanita Bynum on Divorce Court 7

Juanita Bynum on Divorce Court 8

Juanita Bynum On Divorce Court 9

The Owl's Song: Domestic Violence Part II: A Prayer

The Owl's Song: Domestic Violence Part II: A Prayer


Prayer for All Who Are Abused



by Vienna Cobb Anderson


You chose, O loving God,
to enter this world quietly, humbly,
and as an outcast.
Hear our prayers
on behalf of all who are abused.
For children,
who suffer at the hands
of parents whom they trust and love;
For spouses,
beaten and destroyedby the very one
who promised to love
and to cherish them forever.
For all people
ignored, hated and cheated
by the very neighbor who could be the closest one to offer Your love.
Hear the cry of the oppressed.
Let the fire of your Spirit fill their hearts
with the power of vision and hope.
Grant to them empowerment to act,
that they may not be passive victims of violence and hatred.
Fulfill for them the promises you have made,
that their lives may be transformedand their oppression ended.
Turn the hearts of the oppressor unto you
that their living may be changed
by your forgiving love;
and their abusive actions
and oppressive ways
brought to an end.
Amen.

Wifely Submission or Spiritualized Denial?

I just read an article on My Blessed Home about 'wifely submission'.

The author quotes a lot of scripture on what a Godly man and women look to for reference as to what God wishes for them. It wasn’t a bad article, but when it comes to the realms of domestic abuse it could be very dangerous! When you are dealing with wife abuse or domestic violence keeping secrets can be deadly. Emotional and Verbal abuse can escalate into physical abuse as well.

Remember emotional abuse and verbal abuse involve a pattern of behavior, and not just being ugly one day.

Unfortunately, her article is a good example if someone is experiencing domestic violence and takes this to heart is called the HOLY HUSH! Keeping silence when your spouse is treating you in a cruel manner is NOT something you are to be silent about. Its not betrayal, and is certainly isn’t NOT being a proper helpmate! Fellowship is a tool that God gave us to use, and we can’t use that tool unless we break the silence of domestic violence. Those that would tell you to be more submissive, keep silent and allow God to change them are examples of religious and spiritual abuse. I don’t think most people intend it to be, but that advice clearly goes against scripture.

Lets look to the bible and see what it says about fellowship. The bible speaks of fellowship, and how it is important:

1 John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.”

1 Corinthians 12:24-27 BBE But those parts of the body which are beautiful have no need of such care: and so the body has been joined together by God in such a way as to give more honour to those parts which had need of it; (25) So that there might be no division in the body; but all the parts might have the same care for one another. (26) And if there is pain in one part of the body, all the parts will be feeling it; or if one part is honoured, all the parts will be glad. (27) Now you are the body of Christ, and every one of you the separate parts of it.

As you can see in 1 Corinthians we are all parts of the body of Christ, and when a part of the body needs help we are to give this help. You can’t do that when you are asked to stay silent when your spouse is acting abusive. It states that when one part of the body is in pain then all parts will be feeling it, and if one part is honored that all parts should be glad. We are all parts of the body of Christ, and if you are victim of Emotional abuse, Verbal Abuse, Physical abuse how will the rest of the body know if you are told to keep silent? How would your spouse get the help they need, and how would you all get the healing that is needed if the destructive secret of abuse is not brought into the light?

You notice in that verse it says nothing of being silence, and enduring cruel acts of our spouse. It states that if one part of the body of Christ is enduring pain that the whole body of Christ is enduring it.

1 John 3:14-24 BBE We are conscious that we have come out of death into life because of our love for the brothers. He who has no love is still in death. (15) Anyone who has hate for his brother is a taker of life, and you may be certain that no taker of life has eternal life in him. (16) In this we see what love is, because he gave his life for us; and it is right for us to give our lives for the brothers. (17) But if a man has this world's goods, and sees that his brother is in need, and keeps his heart shut against his brother, how is it possible for the love of God to be in him? (18) My little children, do not let our love be in word and in tongue, but let it be in act and in good faith. (19) In this way we may be certain that we are true, and may give our heart comfort before him, (20) When our heart says that we have done wrong; because God is greater than our heart, and has knowledge of all things. (21) My loved ones, if our heart does not say that we have done wrong, we have no fear before him; (22) And he gives us all our requests, because we keep his laws and do the things which are pleasing in his eyes. (23) And this is his law, that we have faith in the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love for one another, even as he said to us. (24) He who keeps his laws is in God and God is in him. And the Spirit which he gave us is our witness that he is in us.

With our silence we encourage our spouses to live in darkness, and when others encourage you to keep that darkness hidden ‘he has no love is still in death’! Why? Because of the evil that has taken hold within this person. Fellowship is important to our walk. There are no exception clauses as to WHAT sin we must keep silent! Being a helpmate to a husband is NOT keeping his sins in the darkness. He is in need of fellowship so that his prayers and salvation are not placed at risk! That isn’t being a nag, Jezebel spirit, or sinning against your husband to make sure he walks the proper walk of a Follower of Christ!

Followers should not be afraid of this rebuke, nor should they wish it to be hidden! Why would a true Christian wish to HIDE anything? True Christian leaders of the home would wish this correction to happen so they are being what God wishes them to be! It’s not bad for them to have others help them during this path, but how will that happen if the family is asked to stay silent? God gave us tools here on earth, and he intended for us to use them!

John 3:19-20 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.

Prov. 10:16 The wages of the righteous bring them life, but the income of the wicked brings them punishment.

What do the scripture passages above tell you? In a nutshell to me that people that love evil do not like the sin brought into the light for fear of being exposed. It doesn’t say to be a good helpmate you must keep this silent! The silence of domestic violence is sin as well!

Man was created before woman. For each thing God created, God said "it is good." However, God didn't say that after Adam's creation. God said "it is not good." God saw that Adam was alone, so God made it good by creating woman. Woman is God's gift to man, in the sense that a wife is to be her husband's help meet.

The husband needs his wife's help. God said that it was not good for man to be alone, so He remedied the situation by creating woman.

When a man and a woman get married, they are each to leave their families, and create their own new family unit.

The husband is the God-Ordained leader of the family unit, with his loving wife at his side as his help meet, making it "good."

Since the husband is the God-ordained family leader, the wife is to submit to his leadership. The husband is to cherish and honor his wife, and to love her as Christ loves the church (see Ephesians chapter 5).

I don’t have any real issues with what she is saying here. What I don’t understand how she encourages others to allow women NOT to be treated as that gift! Her views are just fine up until the next point she attempts to make!

Colossians 3:18 is clear that wives are to be under the authority of their own husbands; not others. In Christ, men and women are equal. Women are not under the thumb of men. The wife has the Biblical command to submit to her husband. Other men have no authority over her, unless it is a type of employee/employer situation. That shouldn't be a common situation, since the Bible also tells us that wives are to be the keepers of their homes.

Colossians 3:18 also tells us to submit to our husbands as it is fit in the Lord. Therefore, if a husband wants his wife to do something that is clearly against the will of God (as per the Bible), then the wife need not comply.

If a husband mistreats his wife, she should still be his help meet and submit to him. It is not the wife's duty to set her man straight, or to teach him a lesson. The Bible assures us that God will do this for the wife. One of the ways God does this, is by hindering the husband's prayers.

What if the wife's husband is an unbeliever, or is backslidden? 1 Peter 3 is clear that the wife is still to submit to her husband, and if he can't be won by the Bible, then maybe he can be won by his wife's behavior and his seeing her walk with God. Treat the unbelieving, backslidden, or cruel husband as if he is a wonderful man. This is how you can help him. You are his help meet.

First of all a gentle rebuke is NOT ‘setting her man straight’ or ‘teaching him a lesson’! We need to clarify here! One is based almost in being vindictive, and the other is clearly the opposite. We are all called to receive the gentle rebukes in a humble manner. There is a difference that she has left out. Wife’s are NOT restricted in this manner.

Mat 23:1-12, Mat 20:25-28, John 13:12-17 as some of the examples of how Jesus spoke of leadership in HIS definition! Husbands are to be servant leaders not those that get to tell you how things are to be.

According to the scripture I referenced above silence and treating him as a ‘wonderful’ man alone is NOT what is called for in scripture. YES his prayers will be hindered if he continues to act sinfully towards his wife and family. God asks Christians to bring the sin into the light, and you can’t do that by keeping your mouth shut.

She seems to contradict herself as well. She states that a man is not to keep you under his thumb. She did state how the man is to treat his wife, and states that if he asks you to sin you don’t have to comply. The contradiction comes when he acts sinfully towards the wife you are to treat him as a wonderful person, because you have no right of rebuke. Being a helpmate is to show your chaste behavior – that part I will agree with, but stating that to bring sin into the light is NOT being a proper helpmate is clearly against scripture. Acting cruelly towards someone in a domestic violence situation is keeping them under your thumb. They are doing it for the control and power, and out of insecurity along with evil that is received within his being.

God and the fellowship are to help both parts of that hurting body of church. One that is being cruel, and the one that is enduring the cruelity. The bible states that repetitive sin needs to be addressed, and it can’t be if the wife is told to HUSH!

Since mistreatment and abuse is normally done behind closed doors, and in the darkness as the bible states...she is encouraging those to NOT take it into the light! I'm NOT talking in a vindictive way, or in a tattle tail fashion here! You can lovingly bring things into the light, and allow the fellowship to help you bring the husband back into the fold of the body of Christ. The bible states clearly to me that sin is in the dark because it is evil, and if you are encouraged NOT to mention it that person is enabled it to continue! I’m NOT saying God can’t take care of things on his own! What she is telling a person is there is no need for fellowship to get involved! I’m NOT saying ‘sent him straight’ in a vindictive manner, or ‘teaching him a lesson’ in the same fashion. When you reach out for help this definition doesn’t apply if you do this with the proper spirit!

Being a proper helpmate is helping your husband stay within his role of a Godly husband, and not enable his bad behavior to continue to standing in silent with a smile and prayer!

Your husband may not deserve your love, honor, and submission. regardless if he is being a biblical husband, you still need to be the biblical wife. When you do this, even when your husband doesn't deserve it, God sees your heart and actions, and He will bless you for it. Remember Psalm 37 - trust in the Lord, and wait on Him. Heavenly Father knows best.

Proverbs 31 tells us that the husband’s heart should trust his wife. Don't betray his heart and trust by saying negative or hurtful things to him, or about him. Build your husband up; help him become a better man, by treating him as if he already is.

What the author doesn’t seem to understand is that you can still be biblical wife, and call on the fellowship to help with repetitive sinful behavior such as domestic violence. God will not bless someone that keeps sin the in closet! There are times and situations in which no one but God can do anything about things, and that is when you trust in the Lord and wait on him! The entire process God should be a part of, and the body of Christ (fellow Christians) is to help those in need. I’m not saying God is a last resort, but you can’t use denial in this fashion and expect God to bless it either!

I think most people understand what betrayal is. A person who lives in sin, and tries to use manipulative comments like you are hurting me when you bring it out into the light is sin. They just added to their laundry list of sin! The true Christian will bring sin into the light, and that is hardly betrayal! Asking a Christian wife and family that is enduring domestic violence and abuse is being betrayed by the fellowship when they tell her to hush and pray.

I’m not talking about someone that spends their days finding things to complain about in regards to their husband and others here! We have all seen spouses complain constantly about others, and they need to be rebuked for that action as well! You can help others become better people, and turning from sin when that sin is exposed! You can treat that person with mercy and compassion!

To bring sin into the light is NOT talking badly about your husband – it’s talking about his bad behavior.

There is a difference!

I’m not going to say everything this author noted is incorrect! What I do find odd is the over spiritualizing of things as a way of NOT dealing with it! There are also ways of being the helpmate that God intended, and finding ways to help your husband become the man God intended him to be! Hiding in silence as everyone suffers isn’t helping!

God gave us fellowship to use in the proper form, and when you don’t do that you are causing someone to live in sin! Silence isn’t honoring your man, and if he were a true man of God he wouldn’t want you to either! To me much of this article is misused submission comments, and will breakdown the church, fellowship, and of course the family she intended to help!

If your fellowship is encourages you to keep silent on domestic violence find another support system, because God isn't in the business of having you leave in fear within the home that he wants to be peaceful. There are alot of Christian resources that deal with domestic abuse, wife abuse, martial abuse, emotional and verbal...whatever you are dealing with. God doesn't wish to stay silent on this. Abuse is called the destructive secret, and there is a reason for that. God asks us to call sin into the light!

What resources have you found most helpful?

Congratulations to Sanctuary for the Abused Blog!

Sanctuary for the Abused has hit a mark of 300,000 hits on her blog! I personally wanted to congratulate her for such an awesome milestone!

Barbara covers just about every aspect of abuse you can think of, and finds resources that have helped many over the years. She is good person - herself - as well. We have emailed each other over the years, and I have always been highly impressed with her!

I started to notice her posts first on a verbal abuse board that came across when I first started my journey. She would post resources for us all, and the information she found was incredible! She has been giving to others for a long time, and she did this as she was suffering herself in the most awful ways from her own abuser.

If you are looking for resources on abuse, and extra aspects like porn, Narcissism, child abuse, personality disorders and much MUCH more please check out her blog! She won't disappoint you!

One nice thing is that you know this information is coming from someone with a big heart, knowledge and character! She is doing this to help others, and give them the information they need to do what needs to be done in their own life's. Always respecting the differences of every one's path!

Check her out, and give her a plug! She certainly deserves!

CONGRATULATIONS Barbara! WOO HOO!

P.S. She was my inspiration to start my own blog!

What Makes Narcissists Tick: "Responsibility" Wrap: Narcissist Hurts You to Make YOU Guilty of the Sin of Feeling the Pain

What Makes Narcissists Tick: "Responsibility" Wrap: Narcissist Hurts You to Make YOU Guilty of the Sin of Feeling the Pain

Barbara of SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED gave me a link to this article referenced above. Is a very well written and to the point article! Thank you Barbara! She has an awesome blog, and a HUGE library of articles, references and links on all kinds of aspects of abuse. I recommend her blog very highly, and she is a true person herself as well! She actually inspired me to start my blog!

Below is a part of the article, and I encourage you to go and read it on the author's blog to get the whole message! Christians are often told in abusive relationships that their FEELINGS get in the way to much. This article helps wipe that myth away, and tell us that there is nothing wrong with feelings. I think that is very important Don't you?

But narcissists aren't the only people who refuse to grow up and quit clinging to the cherished myth that they can make unhappy feelings go away and make them into happy ones instead. Many people cling to this belief that "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" because I am strong and I have high self-esteem, when really all I have is a habit of lying to myself.

One thing I remember about the Bible is how virtually anything can be "uncircumcised." Like your heart. Your eyes. Your ears.

In fact, according to the Bible, things that are circumcised can suddenly get uncircumcised. Kinda calloused-over with some crusty shield.

So, I had a hard time figuring out exactly what this figure of speech means. But, like a dog with a bone, I kept at it till I got it.

Nothing uncircumcises a head faster than stating the simple, self-evident truth that we cannot control our feelings, that feelings are not conduct and therefore cannot be right or wrong.

Just state that plain truth to many people and you can almost see it happening: that person's forehead suddenly gets thick as a brick. Reason bounces off it like missiles bounce off an Abrams tank

They act like they didn't even hear what you said. They just come back with, "But" and a reply that assumes you can control your feelings and that certain ones are sins.

How's that for being blockheaded? They can't even give you an answer - just nothing but this complete dodge all the time.

Which is absurd. Feelings are sensations, emotional sensations. You cannot alter sensations (except with hallucinatory drugs and hypnosis). If you get burnt, you should feel burned. If you don't, something is wrong with you. If the narcissist punches you in the face, he is responsible for your pain, not you. If he forces you to your knees and shoves your face into garbage he threw all over the floor, he is the one responsible for your anger, not you.

To think otherwise is incredibly stupid. The cause of a sensation is the stimulus that produces it, not the mind of the person who experiences it.

The worst thing about repressing unwanted feelings is that burying them locks them inside. They never go away then! Just as normal physical pain motivates action and then passes, normal feelings motivate action and then pass whether action has been taken or not.

But denied pain paralyzes and then just festers in the subconscious, motivating negative behavior (usually passive-aggressive behavior) like an unseen puppet master. And not just against the abuser - but rather against any available target, people who had nothing to do with the person who abused you. Hence we see many people subconsciously getting even with a parent by mistreating their spouse decades later.

That's crazy.

Abusive Marriage - Indepth view of the sickness

What an awesome article! LINK

Here are some snippets! I would encourage you to read the entire thing!

I feel an urgency, almost a fury, to send out this call across the nation. This is not written as an appeal to your emotions, to evoke sympathy nor even compassion. The purpose of this writing is to state facts, to uncover the secrets of abusive relationships and to reveal the nature of abuse-induced instability, causing the mind of an abused woman to be incapable of thinking realistically and making rational decisions.

It's as if society expects abused women to think and act as mentally healthy, stable human beings, while scoffing at what could possibly be wrong with such a person who would stay in an abusive relationship. She's already fully aware that no one understands her and that she is judged and ostracized. Yet, she is expected to courageously and confidently embark upon a whole new life for herself in a society which looks down their noses at her, whispers and laughs behind her back, and avoids contact with her as if she has the plague.

WOW that was very powerful to me!!

Unless you have lived with a person who suffers from a mental and emotional disorder -- be it alcoholism, drug addiction, schizophrenia, manic depression, personality disorder caused by childhood abuse, the list goes on -- you have absolutely no idea the impact. Insanity is contagious. Unfortunately, sanity is not. We start out being sensible, rational human beings, attempting to deal with the sick person as if he were mentally sound. We try to reason with the unreasonable. We do not have the education and training it requires to effectively communicate with a mentally ill person and therefore treat him as we would anyone else, expecting him to respond as anyone else would. Of course he doesn't, but we are at a loss. We don't know any other approach. Periodically, he behaves as a sane, rational individual, exhibiting sound judgement, and we forget it is fleeting, or we believe he has finally stepped out of the fog. Certainly we hope he has, for this is what we are giving our lives for -- dying for. We who have lived with such a man know there is something more to him. Had we not seen goodness and love in them, we never would have married these men. To this day I am still uncertain if the goodness and love I believed I saw in my abusive husband were real qualities, true to his nature or merely manipulative tactics to control and dominate me. We hear over and over again that he will never change and there's probably only about 2% that actually do. Yet, we feel it so unfair to make such a judgement of another human being. We feel it would be playing God to decide such a verdict, believing there is always hope. What we cannot see is that staying with him is where we are playing God, attempting to be his savior, healer and redeemer. If he is to change, God is certainly the only one who can do it -- through his willingness to change -- and we must first get out of the way. Until he has run out of people, places and things to use, abuse and blame, he will probably not become willing to change.

None of us know what we would actually do in any given emergency situation. We know what we hope we'd do, what we believe we'd do, but are deciding those things in a calm, rational state of mind. We don't know how our minds and emotions will react in the face of an actual crisis. Living with an abusive person is like creeping silently through a darkened jungle. We are aware of the possible dangers awaiting us but comfort ourselves with a belief that we are careful and prepared. If we follow specific guidelines and take certain precautions, we believe we'll be safe. Even with the ever-present sense of peril, we still feel in control. I could also equate domestic violence with a sudden tornado ripping through your house, being trapped on the 20th floor of a burning building, or being awakened in the night by the sounds of an intruder breaking into your house. If you've never faced the adrenalin-induced panic of such an instance, how can you say what you would do? If your home is burglarized, will you automatically move to another house? A different city or state? Or will you assume preventative measures and believe it probably won't happen again?

What an awesome way of putting it! I mean its true! We never know HOW we are going to react to an emergency, etc do we?

Abusive people honestly believe they are victims and always take every destructive outburst and turn it around so that they are the helpless and hurting party. Suddenly, the perpetrator is the victim and the recipient is the savior. Quite insidiously, without our awareness, the abnormal becomes normal, as we make excuses for his behavior and minimize the impact. Simple acts of considerateness are seen as shining stars of promise, illuminating the darkness of depression and cynicism. For a few days or weeks, he is full of kindness, bringing us flowers or presents, complimenting us, taking us out to dinner. Then suddenly, sometimes without warning, it all blows up in our faces as we're accused of expecting too much, of being selfish and thoughtless. We certainly don't want to be those things, so we apologize and tell him we're happy without all those "extras" -- the extras being mere kindness and common courtesy. All we want is what we see others enjoying and taking for granted -- a peaceful, loving family. Is that too much to ask? And we are willing to pay any price to attain the treasure. Dreams die very hard. We truly believe we are in love with these men when actually we are only in love with the illusion we so cherish and desperately cling to.

We read books, listen to tapes, even attend marriage seminars and earnestly apply what we learn to our own situations. We are told the promises and guarantees of applying these principles and hear testimonies from successful others. With our spirits revived and strength renewed, we gain fresh confidence and determination, believing we have now found the solution. We are recharged with that false sense of power, thinking we know what to do to make it all better. Everything we learn is true and highly effective in the average marriage. There's only one thing missing -- a sane, rational partner. It doesn't matter how fluently or eloquently you can speak English if you're trying to communicate with someone who doesn't know the language. We continue to treat them like normal adult human beings, expecting them to respond as such. When it doesn't happen, we try harder, applying still more patience, effort and understanding. It's like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. But we keep expecting, praying, hoping.

WOW - how many have walked down this road huh? Do we expect the person with no legs to get up and walk? At times I think the church in some ways does tell you that! Its hard to show them that we aren't dealing with a sane person on most people's level....heck its hard for US to understand it and we live IT!

The reason we cannot stand up for ourselves is because we daily live with his defensiveness and paranoia, falsely- accusing us and refusing to acknowledge our goodness and sincerity. We are determined to prove our worth, to make him see and admit that we are right and he is wrong, that we are good and he has been bad, that we have been saints and he has been a devil, and that he owes us the return of all the love and loyalty we have invested in him. If we do or say anything to make him mad, that will only give him a reason to defend himself and say that's proof that we are not loving, good- hearted women. We mustn't give him any real grounds to base his accusations on. We must always prove ourselves worthy, nobel, honorable. As a result, we are driven to give, do, be, and sacrifice anything in order to prove our worth. We lose our self-worth in trying to prove our worth to him. But it's never enough and we are human -- we make mistakes, we sometimes blow up from all the tension, and these things are unforgivable to him. He waits and watches for us to slip up and make one little mistake or to show one negative quality so he can swoop down and devour us with accusations, insults, mockery, and blame. Unknowingly, we sell our souls in becoming more or less than human, disallowed human needs and emotions. Only he has the right to his feelings and needs while we do not have the freedom to feel any differently than what he wants us to feel or to feel nothing at all.

or to feel nothing at all I bolded myself. Its very true I do feel abusers wish we didn't feel. That we were some pet dog and was wagging our tails and always waiting to give them our individed attention. We must be that dog that doesn't bite or nip back tho. It may be a bad example, but if you think how most dogs are in homes. THEY LOVE to lavish you with attention, and they love the attention they receive in return no matter what it is most of the time. I mean you could really be annoyed and turn to the dog and say, "YOu know what? LOL you can really be a royal pain the butt!"....and what will the dog do? Wag their tail! When we get excited - they get excited. When we cry they want to cuddle. They are in our world, but detached enough.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be so cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

I think this statement can be approached towards both genders. I also think when the author states how the 'outside world' cannot possible comprehend is the BIGGEST problem........I mean most that live it have the same issue no?

These men value only possessions, property and material things. They are interested only in their own needs and desires and we, the wives and children, are possessions, prisoners, expected to be there for his convenience and to be put in the closet when we are inconvenient. We are to satisfy him and to take the blame when he is dissatisfied. These men are so disconnected from humanity that they are barely human, themselves. Other people are merely extensions of themselves, not different, unique individuals. To them, everything in life revolves around them. Everything anyone does, says, feels, or thinks is centered around them -- in their minds. They cannot comprehend that people do what they do because of who they are inside. They believe everyone does what they do because of them. They are like a two year old child who has not yet developed the capacity to realize that other people have needs and feelings, too, independent of themselves. They are self-consummed, self-obsessed, and completely self- seeking, with all people and things being merely the means of self-satisfaction. They cherish possessions because material things have no needs, make no requests and haven't a will. Possessions can be bragged about, to make him feel more like a man and they can be blamed, likewise for his inadequacies. We are to be like a pet, requiring only food, without a will of our own, loyal, obedient and affection, regardless of how the master treats us. If we get out of line, we are beaten into submission, whether physically or psychologically.

If he gives us a place to live and food to eat, we are not supposed to want or need anything else. Even those provisions are inconvenient infringements upon "his" money. Everything is "his". His money, his time, his house, his vehicle, his feelings... He will rarely refer to anything in the marriage as "ours". If the wife has a car, it will be "her" car, meaning she is completely responsible for the maintenance and condition. He will not contribute time nor money to her car. The children are "hers" too, unless he needs to use them as trophies to brag about, and then they aren't our children but "his". Practically speaking, they are her children and she is completely responsible for their care and for their behavior. There is very little he will label as "hers", but the minute she gets out of line, he will take what is hers -- the car or the children -- away from her, to punish her, threaten her and thereby put her back in her place. They will almost always use the children to keep a hold of their wife.

Others are seen as completely responsible for the way he feels. If you make him feel good, he loves you. If he feels bad, it's your fault and he hates you. They expect wife and children to run to them with open arms, lavishing them with love, devotion and praise, making him feel like a god, and they are to treat him this way regardless of how he behaves, never asking nor needing anything in return. Sometimes, he offers attention and affection, which we are so hungry for that we rejoice and feel satisfied. Our hopes are renewed with the vision of how it could be, having been given just a taste. Pathetically enough, we have been reduced to the family dog, sitting at the master's feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. We are so hungry for love that we thankfully lap up any crumbs we can get and hope for more. This is his control. We are starving to death, managing to survive on the few crumbs he offers, while awaiting the grand feast he continually promises.

No one can understand why so many of these women go back to their abusive husbands after finally leaving, and they believe she must have some sick, masochistic desire for punishment. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have learned to monitor his mood, taking his emotional temperature before we know whether to talk, laugh, be attentive, or to be completely still and silent. We may need something from the supermarket, but we must first determine his state of mind before we even ask to go. The children may have a problem or a need, but we don't dare bring it up until we are certain the coast is clear. There is a tremendous problem with building and centering your life around someone else. We do not crave the excitement of crisis, the heartache, turmoil nor abuse. Even after we leave, we do not know peace. We cannot hear the silence nor feel the tranquility in his absence for the raging storm which continues to blow like a hurricane in our minds. We have lost ourselves in basing every decision and action on him. We have become conditioned to think, feel, and behave according to what we believe someone else expects. We have lost the ability to act independently and base our decisions solely on our own needs and desires. We have learned to base everything we do or don't do on what we believe or hope his reaction will be. For those women who grew up in abusive homes, they have thought and behaved in this manner all their lives and have never known how to be an individual. Without intense, professional help, we cannot learn to function as whole human beings, separate from another. Thus, many go back.

As a thirty-nine year old woman of a small town in Oklahoma, I can witness to the fact that girls of my generation, of my culture, and those of so many others, were not raised geared toward college, career and independence. We were raised by a mother who stayed home with the children, who cooked and cleaned, and spent her life being of service to her husband and family. I was so very fortunate to be raised by loving, caring parents, who taught me to be kind, compassionate, loving, and loyal. I am so grateful that I was taught these morals and values growing up, but they were also a great handicap to me, making me a prime candidate for an abusive relationship. Abusers intuitively seek out women who are kind, loyal, sympathetic, and understanding, because they can use these assets against us, until they become our vices. They tell us the heart-wrenching stories of being abused, abandoned, unloved, and we, the care-takers, feel their pain and instinctively want to love their wounds away. We try so desperately to show these men the love and devotion they were deprived of, to prove that we are trust-worthy, where others weren't, that are sincere, where others were deceptive. The more we are falsely accused of being liars, whores, manipulators, and thieves, the more we double our efforts to prove that we will never leave them nor forsake them. You see, we understand that these men are only striking out at us because of their own fears and self-hatred, and more than ever, we feel the call to love them. We become their god, feeling completely responsible for their well-being, even for their very lives, as they tell us over and over that they cannot live without us and even attempt suicide, if we leave. It is the abuser who is the most dependant, while the abusee becomes dependant upon the feeling of being needed, of being so important to someone else's life.

No, we are not weak and spineless. Far from it! We have the strength and fortitude of a dozen people. We have to, in order to do all that we do in any given day. Those of us who have lived in abusive marriages are not victims nor antagonizers, and neither are we inadequate wives. We have done our part to make the marriage work, but it cannot be done alone. If it were possible for only one spouse to create a successful marriage, we are the ones who could do it, as we have carried full responsiblity for the quality and content of the relationship, as well as obligations to the children, family members, friends, and finances. We have done everything in our knowledge and power to be the best wives and mothers we know how to be, and we are the ones who have fulfilled our marriage vows. We have paid a debt, for crimes we never committed, and continue to pay over and over through the stigmas and misconceptions of society.