Men are Visual. Women are Vessels

I don’t know about most, but I can’t stand messages that come across about how men are so weak minded, and sex craved.  To me one of the lessons we hear preached from time to time tends to encourage this aspect, and they basically are enabling lust to happen. 

Lust to me is the same thing as coveting.  There is a huge difference between admiring a pretty person, and allowing your mind to imagine how they would be in bed.  Today it seems they tend to blur those things, and fantasy turns into the norm.  That isn’t what the bible says at all. 

We also tend to over exaggerate this aspect in life, because the ones don’t wish to speak about choices in life – tend to tell you its ‘everywhere’ and they can’t escape it.  There is no possible reason you are look at them as possibly weak minded in this aspect, because its always the other parties fault.

Romans 8:5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.

There is a huge difference between admiring someone, or the ‘OH BOY to much FLESH for me’ moments.  Then you have those that use that ‘to much flesh for me’ parts of life, and twist them into a lust fest.  The author I speak about uses that moment, and encourages wife’s to allow their husband’s to use them as a vehicle to get all those thoughts out of their mind.  What he doesn’t seem to realize is that doesn’t eliminate the lust, but just lets them have a bit of fun with it.  Here is what I’m talk about:

Understand his appetites, and free his body. Your husband’s two primary physical appetites are for food and sex. He will appreciate it whenever you make the effort to prepare delicious and nutritious food for him. Understand the pressure he feels sexually as a man: Men are wired to respond to visual stimulation, and must deal with seeing sexual imagery often in our society today. Your husband can’t escape it, so he must try to resist the temptation of it while fighting to remain faithful to you as God calls him to be. Your husband needs sexual release often in order to be emotionally healthy. Don’t withhold sex from him when there’s conflict between you. Instead, work on communicating with each other through sex, which will calm your husband, bond him closer to you, and motivate him to work on your marriage more. Let him know what you need him to do to help you enjoy sex with him more, and help him learn how to improve your sex life together. Do whatever you can to make yourself physically attractive, such as by taking good care of your body through exercise and eating well and dressing attractively both in public and at home. If your husband refuses to have sex with you, seek counseling to figure out how to solve the problem.  - How to Learn What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You

(My first comment is the husband doesn’t need water as well? (laughs) look at the second sentence about the primary physical appetites!  Okay – moving on….)

What is lust?

The dictionary definition of lust is "1) intense or unrestrained sexual craving, or 2) an overwhelming desire or craving."
or
Lust is having a self-absorbed desire for an object, person, or experience.

The bible speaks against this, and not once in the bible does it speak of using another person to satisfy it.   It also never says that someone else is responsible for you coveting something that isn’t yours.

Did Doug Wilson Drop His Disclaimer?

I wanted to do a follow up piece about my last blog post, Shock Jock Doug Wilson Penetrates The Gospel Coalition.   I did modify the last post because Jared Wilson decided to take down his articles that brought such offense to many.  I did kept the cache of these pieces so that the article still had its reference.

Jared Wilson posted an apology.    Some Reflections, Just one Explanation, and an apology.   Some aren’t truly satisfied completely with it, but it is a good start!

My first foolishness in posting the original excerpt was not to heed Douglas Wilson’s disclaimer in the beginning of his book. He characterizes it as a “blunt instrument” and describes the particular audience he is writing for. That should have been my first indication either not to post the piece at all or to have at least posted it with a sufficient prefatory warning or more parsing of context. Either way, the blame for the insensitive bluntness of the blog post is not his, but totally mine.

What did the disclaimer say?  He maybe referring to the beginning of Chapter one of Doug Wilson’s book called Fidelity.

This book was written for men and their sons.  I suggest that wives read this only when their husbands give it to them, and no the other way around.  The introduction mentioned the issue of 'straight talk' - and this means, in part, a rejection of euphemism.  Some of what is said here may be offensive to some Christian women, but the point is certainly not to give offense.  The point is to provide biblically specific and pointed help to Christian males.

Euphemism - the substitution of a mild, indirect, or vague expression for one thought to be offensive, harsh, or blunt.

From what I gather since this book was for men only, it seems that Doug Wilson feels they wouldn’t have been offended by how he words things.  I know my brother and my father would not have appreciated it anyway, but maybe he feels some men can’t grasp his point without them.  To be honest, I think it is just a disclaimer due to his style of communication more than anything.

I’m not going to link to Doug Wilson’s comments, but I did grab the cache of his article as well.  The Politics of Outrage

Why Women Can't..

“I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of writing about equality for Christian women in our churches and homes,” I emailed a woman equality blogger.
But as long as pastors and bloggers and “Bible scholars” tell the world that women just don’t measure up, I will keep on.

Above is a quote from Shirley Taylor, and she can quoted a pastor’s reasons why women would not be good in certain positions compared to men.

I searched for the article, and I believe I found the one in question.  It was titled, Why women can not be head pastors.  I had to admit I’m getting rather used to silly examples that are said to used to make points that are somehow suppose to make sense to the general public.

To quote one of his comments to his ‘ahem’ points that made me giggle, and also has a sting of truth to it?

“I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony; I don’t know where to begin!”

To me?  That said it all!

I seriously don’t think people that come from this point of view truly realize how completely racist and bigoted they sound.  I really don’t think they stop long enough to hear themselves at times.  Its truly sad!  

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me because the Christian faith has been fighting bigoted overtones for how long?  Almost since it began?

The pastor in question used a common circumstance we have all giggled about in the past.  Wife hears noise in the house.  Wife wakes up husband, and has him go and investigate.

You are wise because that is what normally happens and is typically, for those of you who have a man in the house, the best move. Why? Because men are better equipped to deal with these sort of situations. There is an aggression that men have, both physical and mental, that is more able to handle situations that might become combative. That is the way we are made.

It also seems to be human nature to pick the biggest and strongest when possibility facing a battle of strength.  If we look at the story of David and Goliath?   It seems to slap the theory the pastor made in the face.  If people didn’t know the story?  WHO would have thought that David would have creamed the bigger, stronger, and more aggressive Goliath?  Can people deny that those at the time felt he would get beaten as well?  I mean seriously, if we didn’t know it came from the bible?  We would SWEAR it was a movie made by Walt Disney!

When humans are faced with dangerous circumstances gender doesn’t always play a role.  The term, ‘momma bear’ for example.  A tough, aggressive, and protective mother. Often going to extreme lengths to protect her children and herself.   We have to admit we have used this term to describe more than the animal.  

Why Women can’t?

God gives everyone the strength needed in combat of different sorts. 


What has that got to do with being pastor?  According to the author the pastor is also better at confronting false teachings.  He feels since men are better at being physically and mentally stronger?  They are in a better position of confronting false doctrine. 

To make matters even MORE confusing?  It was pointed out that Christian faith has been pelleted with false doctrine (again I would say since the beginning), and pastor agreed.  One poster’s ending point was:

I am seeing few men with the characteristics needed for true shepherding. That troubles me.

His response?

I too am troubled by the lack of male leaders. Frankly, think that there are many reasons, but one that is very important, in my opinion, is that men are not taught to be men anymore. They don’t know what it means. They are taught that they don’t have too many essential differences between them and women. They are taught that they don’t have a particular role. They are taught to suppress their masculinity and embrace their “feminine side.” It is confusing. In the end, I think we need more people who are complementarian leading the church and expressing this value with greater confidence and boldness.
Men will still be wimps because we are still sinners. Adam still followed Eve.

I have to wonder if this pastor doesn’t see that he can’t seem to grasp ‘essential differences’!  His examples sure don’t show them.  I mean according to what he says above?  Sinner equals wimps.  Okay then.

The Fear of Homosexuality

I get so frustrated with hate at times.  People won’t call it hate, but to me it is hate just the same.

I’m going to start with a story about a time when I was young teenager.  The names will be changed, but I wanted to use names so people could get a better visual.

I had a boyfriend named Jay, and his best friend Alex dated a friend of mine from school.  We did see each other, and did things together quite a bit.

One day we went over to Alex’s house to play cards I think it was.  We walked downstairs to the basement, where his family had the card table, chairs, etc.  Off to the side there was a bedroom, and in there were pictures of ‘girls’ all over the walls.  I remarked to Alex that I surprised he had all those pictures on his wall when he claimed to ‘love’ my friend.  Everyone except me was giggling at this point, and I knew I was missing something.  They told me that this wasn’t Alex’s room in the basement, but his adult sister’s room.  Yes.  Alex’s sister was a lesbian. 

A few weeks later Alex’s parents allowed he and Jay to hold a small party with a few friends down in the basement.  Jay and I along with other friends were sitting around the pit group talking.  Then I heard someone else come down the stairs, and she announced to her brother ‘I brought a man this time!”  It was Alex’s sister, and she introduced the man to him.

The next thing I knew she walked over to get something, and tripped on something laying on the floor.  She landed right in my lap.  My reaction?  I got her up off me so fast it wasn’t even funny.  I think everyone felt my reaction was one of being startled when she fell on me out of no where.  I knew differently, and after that happened I was so ashamed of myself.  How could I react that way?  I would have never reacted that way to someone that was heterosexual.

I allowed the fear, stereotypes, and culture to have me react in ways I hated.  I was so mad and disappointed in myself.  I was acting homophobic, and was prejudiced against someone I didn’t even know.  

I don’t think I had ever met a lesbian up to that point.  WELL at least not that knew of.   I knew I had to learn to change that reaction, because it wasn’t healthy – and it would be unreasonably hurtful to others.  It was MY issue not theirs.  A far cry from a proper Christian response.

I did grow up and grow out of that type of response.  I have worked and dealt with people that were homosexual since that day, and thankfully I have never had that fearful reaction again.  I can’t say I understand the lifestyle, but learning some grace I don’t have to be uncomfortable or fearful now.  I have met some very nice people, and some NOT so nice.  (giggles) just like any other human interaction! 

I realize what the Christian response is to the issue of homosexuality, but I have to admit that is an area I struggle with.  You won’t see me taking a stand in either direction, because I don’t feel right either way.  I do know I will not hate, nor will I react in ways I did as a teenager.    I will not fear homosexuality, because fear brings out the worse in people.  I treat them as I would anyone else.  I am ashamed of some of the Christian responses, because at times they can very vile.

Jack Schaap Transcript - response to 20/20 broadcast

Jack Schaap arrogant response to the 20/20 program, and his enabling Elders snickering in the background

The picture of Jack Schaap preaching to his church after segments of him appeared on the 20/20 show about Tina Anderson and Independent Fundamental Baptist Church.  It seems his congregation was a bit alarmed that they used him as an example of what some circles teach.

Schaap states with pride that he was quoting the word of God, and yet if you listen to what he said during the program?  None of it came from the bible at all.

You see I'm don't take my theology from a woman ISN'T in the bible.  Telling women they better look like they did when they got married, and don't allow themselves to get fat?  Its not in the bible either.

His response to the 20/20 program is defensiveness, and something the program pointed out.  You don't question nor criticize your pastor.  He can't throw 20/20 out of the church, and so instead Schaap decided to proudly rage in church instead. 

He basically proved the point of the show, and I don't think he even realized it.  The attitude they spoke of is right there for the world to see.

He was so comfortable with what he say - he told video locations throughout the internet to pull down his response due to copyright infringements.  lol okay then!

You don't take down videos of you justifying yourself to your congregation if you sleep well at night with what you said.  You don't take down videos of yourself saying, "Hallelujah God's word is getting out!" of you really MEAN IT!

You notice the elders in the background with smiles and grins on their faces?  It shows to the world their acceptance of the venom he throws at others, and their pandering to his hatred.  He admits he is arrogant, and basically tells others if you don't like OH WELL!

I have recently seen the Jack Schaap video up again on the internet.  You can search for it, but I decided to post his transcript of the video response to 20/20.

Jack Schaap Transcript - response to 20/20 broadcast:

ABC news called me this week and said "We heard that you believe that men should be in charge of their wives"

I said, "No sir, I didn't say that. I said God said that. He said husbands are the head of the wife."

I said, "You got a problem with what I said when I'm quoting the Bible, then maybe you should take it up with God."

He said, "Do you think that's appropriate?"

I said, "Son, anything God says is appropriate. I think you better get that straight right now."

I never apologise for standing where God stands. I never worry standing where God stands. Somebody says, "You know what they are going to say about you?"

Pffft, who cares?

Stand in line, pick a number, slob!

Get you little squirt gun out and squirt away.

This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women

Look we exposed a new oppressive layer!

I had been reading some reviews about a book called, 'Half the Sky:  Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women'.

Christianity Today has a quote that I see as universal in some aspects, but when it comes to our culture it gets blown off.

While women do suffer at the hands of men, the authors point out that it is women who abort their female fetuses, who cut the genitals of their daughters, who favor their sons over their daughters for education and medical treatment, and who often abuse their daughters-in-law. "In short, women themselves absorb and transmit misogynistic values, just as men do. This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women, but a messier realm of oppressive social customs adhered to by men and women alike."

All over the world we have social customs, and belief systems that can be oppressive.  It's never a tidy world, but often looks like the layers of an onion.

Once you deal with the top layer, and peel it away?  You normally have different issues to deal with underneath.

Misogyny seems to be a part of the shootings

This a picture of the victims of the shooting from NewJersey.com In Order, Reshma James - Dennis John Mallosseril - Silvy Perincheril






NYdaily's photo of suspect

Phillyburbs stated:

Reshma James had taken out a restraining order against her estranged husband, Avigliano said.

"She found out he wasn't all he was cut out to be," Avigliano said. "He was abusive toward her, and she left him and came out here."

The couple were married just over a year ago in India and moved to Sacramento in January.

Reshma's aunt, Maria Joseph, of Hartford, Conn., said she warned her niece, who was studying to become a nurse, not to marry him. Other relatives told her the man had a history of "behavioral problems," Joseph said.

Telegraphindia mentioned:

“I do not know whether the possessiveness was born of genuine love or an irrational suspicion about her. He did not like her meeting people and preferred her to be indoors all the time,” said James Kochuparampil, Reshma’s maternal uncle.

The couple had together arrived in Kerala three months ago, apparently to try and save the marriage which was falling apart because Pallipurath, 27, allegedly tortured his 24-year-old wife. But Reshma’s relatives here said they never guessed the marriage was on the rocks.

By then, however, the family had already received tidbits of information about Pallipurath’s wayward behaviour, for instance that “he was on drugs”. Still, they let Reshma go back to the US because she had relatives in America she could turn to for help anytime.


The couple, however, separated after returning to the US, the husband going to his home in Sacramento, California, and the wife taking refuge with her aunt Silvy Perincheril, 47, in New Jersey. Perincheril, a nurse, was by Reshma’s side in the church and was shot and critically injured by Pallipurath.

Reshma had graduated in nursing from Chennai and was completing formalities for enrolment as a registered nurse in the US. She had to start working soon to ensure a decent life for her family back home.

worldnewsaustralia wrote:

James had taken out a restraining order against Pallipurath, prosecutors said.

In California, the suspect's father had called on him to surrender, as did relatives of one of the victims in New Jersey.

All three victims were shot once in the head and didn't regain consciousness, depriving investigators of the opportunity to interview them.

sepiamutiny has breakdowns of the events.

Someone had sent a list to me that I wanted to share about situations like this. Domestic violence was must certainly an huge issue within their relatonship. There is alot of talk about what a Misogynist is, and I had found a list I wanted to share with everyone. I found it on VNN Editorial

Characteristics Of A Misogynist


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BY MAHANIDHI DASA

EDITORIAL, Dec 4 (VNN) — The Twenty-six Characteristics of a Misogynist (one who hates women)
presented by Mahanidhi dasa

1. He thinks that his masculinity depends on dominating women.
2. He feels powerful by subjugating women.
3. His emotional security depends on women being controlled.
4. He wants to insure that women are less powerful than he.
5. He controls women by destroying their self-confidence.
6. He is unnecessarily critical of women.
7. He intimidates women by finding faults with them.
8. He humiliates women in public and devalues their opinions.
9. He sees encounters with or about women as a battle to be won.
10. He must always win in a discussion with or about women.
11. He blames women for failings that are not related to them.
12. He blames women for his own failings and shortcomings.
13. He accuses women of being too sensitive if they get upset with him.
14. He will confuse issues by changing the subject.
15. He will confuse issues by denial or word jugglery.
16. He will confuse issues by acting as if nothing happened after it did.
17. He belittles or ignores women s accomplishments.
18. He denies her feelings and makes her wrong for feeling them.
19. He is condescending, taunting, jeering, or angry toward her.
20. He is hostile, aggressive, contemptuous, or cruel to her.
21. He makes derogatory comments about women in general.
22. He wants to punish women when they displease him.
23. He has no remorse or guilt for the pain he causes women.
24. He is in anxiety about women and meditates on them.
25. He forces women not to do things that they re qualified to do.
26. He selectively quotes authorities to substantiate his position.

Misogyny is a mental disorder that requires therapy. If someone you know has some or all of the above symptoms, humbly request that person to find qualified treatment for their condition.

Issues in Christian Marriages

Issues in the Christian Marriage Excerpted from Dr. Margaret Rinck's Christian Men Who Hate Women

Chapter 4:  

Issues in the Christian Marriage Unique Manifestations of Misogyny in Christian Relationships

There are some unique expressions (of misogyny) within Christian homes, that result from distortions of Christian faith and theology. These distortions play into the already sick relationship, in many cases exacerbating it.

Using the Bible as a Weapon

Christian misogynists (CMs) use the Bible as their main tool to control those around them.  The evangelical faith does stress the importance of scripture; yet these men use it as a weapon to control and manipulate others. By quoting the Bible and referring to its authority, CMs have a seemingly foolproof weapon in their campaign to control their wives. Christian women also view scripture as their standard of behavior; so when their husbands use it to point out their failures, they are quick to succumb and condemn themselves. They end up feeling constantly condemned by their spouses, by scripture and by God.It never occurs to them to question their husbands' interpretation of scripture or to decide for themselves whether it is being used appropriately.

As we all know, scripture can and has been used to justify everything from slavery to the Holocaust.In the hands of a CM, we see a more subtle, but nonetheless serious distortion.

No Christian wants to be "out of God's will" or do something "Jesus wouldn't do;" so compliant, dutiful wives fall into line when CMs use these phrases whether or not it makes sense, feels right or seems healthy.
Another common way CMs manipulate their wives is to grow very solemn and serious, take out their bible...and proceed to tell them what "God or the Holy Spirit has led me to do..." Christian wives are drawn easily into such spiritual manipulation.

Misuse of Biblical Authority/Roles

...the evangelical Christian respects authority. All authority figures are seen as receiving their position from God...The husband is seen as the "head of the home" (though scripture never uses that phrase; it describes men as "head" of their wives, not the home.) He has final authority, and what he says goes! Without debating the merits of this theological doctrine, suffice it to say that it is often abused. Many men use this notion of their sanctioned "authority" to commit atrocities against women. For the most part, women have been taught to acquiesce to authority; and when the weight of the church's or God's sanction is added, they do not receive permission to question or offer opposition. Some Christian teachers advocate these ideas to an extreme. At a national seminar I attended, one well-known bible teacher said that even if a woman's husband beat her she would be better off to "obey God" submit to the beatings and even die, rather than to leave him and seek relief.

Underlying Root Problem

Using the bible as a weapon, especially the concept of "God's will" to manipulate and misusing the concept of biblical authority are symptoms of deeper problems within the Christian community.

The Code of Silence

The first issue is denial. The concept of wife abuse is an anathema to most Christians. The idea of anyone hating someone else, much less men hating women, is difficult for most Christians to conceive. The facade of Christian "niceness" maintained by an abuser at church and in the community confuses his spouse. Besides, he is even nice at home--sometimes! He'll lead the family in prayer one minute; the next he's beating someone black and blue. Or he'll come home raging and shouting earlier in the day and beg forgiveness, swearing that he has had a "new experience with the Lord"...Or he may come home and act as if the tirade or beating never happened.

Shame is another reason why denial has such a tight grip on the Christian church. Instead of being a place where people feel safe to expose their painful problems, the church is often a "holier than thou" social club where everyone tries to appear more sanctified than everyone else. If a person can't appear more holy, one certainly doesn't want appear less holy; so women who are hurting from misogynistic relationships find it almost impossible to summon up the courage to tell anyone...

One problem frequently faced by wives in misogynistic relationships is that when they do tell someone in the church, they are either discounted or not believed. The misogynist looks so good--how could he be doing these things!

The following statements are typical responses that these wives often receive from pastors, pastoral counselors, elders, and even other women:

"You're just tired. Get a good night's sleep and things will look better tomorrow."

"Sounds like you need to be a better wife so that he'll be a better husband. You aren't trying enough to please him."

"You wouldn't upset him so much if you'd just be submissive."

"You're not being a good wife. If you were, he wouldn't act like this."

"You haven't been praying hard enough for him."

"All you have to do is trust God. He knows what's best. It'll work out. Don't forget Romans 8:28."

"You shouldn't talk that way about your husband. He's a fine Christian man, a leader at our church! Why are you trying to get attention this way?"

"Are you giving him enough sex? Maybe if you were more interested in sex, he'd stop being so upset.All most men need is a warm dinner and a warm wife in bed."

Silence is not golden when it covers up any type of abuse. However, silence and denial are apt to be the norm until the church becomes a safe place for people to be real.

Sexism in the Church

Like it or not there is sexism in the church. Many conservative Christians dismiss the idea of sexism as non-Christian, silly, feminist, or irrelevant. They regard themselves as doing things "God's way" and do not see any need to consider whether prejudice has also crept into the pew. Those sensitive to the realities of sexism in our culture realize that it permeates all our institutions, just like any other sinful behavior. Yet even in churches where such sensitivity exists outwardly, sexism is often lurking underground.

The Submission Syndrome: Out of Balance Theology

Another root problem in the evangelical church is misuse of the biblical idea of submission.This concept has been warped and twisted in so many ways that I doubt the biblical authors would recognize it.

Many Christians confuse obedience with submission. Even the traditional wedding ceremony contains the wife's promise to "obey" her husband. Yet scripture never uses "obey" in relation to wives; it does use the word in reference to slaves and children (Eph. 6:1,5) Another misapplication of this concept is the assumption that only women are to be submissive. The Bible is clear both in precept and in example that submission is the lifestyle of all Christians. Scripture calls for mutuality in the marriage relationship. (Eph.5:21)

Proper Biblical Roles between Men and Women in Marriage
 

1. Both partners live in a daily, personal, voluntary, submission to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.
2. Love is based on a deep, mutual respect as the guiding principle behind all decisions, actions and plans. (I Cor. 13).
3. Both partners are aware of their status as "heirs together" in Christ (I Peter 3:7) and as equal members of the Body of Christ (I Cor. 12) members uniquely gifted by God's Holy Spirit. Both recognize that the purpose of those gifts is to build up the body of Christ as well as their own relationship.
4. Natural abilities and talents of each individual, as well as spiritual gifts, are a practical basis for delegating various roles and responsibilities in the home.
5. The emphasis is on a mature relationship between two adults, not on prescribed, arbitrary roles or functions into which each personality rather than as a career or an organization.
6. Each person maintains their own God-given personal identity and personality. The concept of being "one flesh" does not mean that each individual has lost his individuality or uniqueness."
7. The sexual relationship is not only procreative but it is one of joy, fun, fulfillment and refreshment for both partners.
8. Intimacy and deep emotional closeness replaces game playing and role playing.
9. Honesty and fidelity are the cornerstones of healthy communication patterns, based on a deep, abiding trust in the other person and in Christ.
10. Decision-making is based on process where both partner have a willingness to come to a mutually satisfying outcome. Consensus is the goal in all matters of importance and neither party manipulates the other to force agreement. Each person has areas of authority and responsibility where they themselves make decisions based on their gifts, talents, and expertise in those areas. When consensus does not come immediately, the matter is committed to prayer and is not acted upon until there's agreement

The Salvation Syndrome

A woman in a misogynistic relationship may believe that she can change or "save" her husband by being sweet, submissive and passive, but the reality is that this tactic does not work. She must realize the misogynists emotional investment in maintaining his stance. The misogynist's deepest fear is abandonment. He believes that the best way to keep his woman from leaving him is to cripple her emotionally, to limit her activities, and to keep her guessing psychologically. He does this by using the variety of tactics previously discussed. The goal is to keep her in her palace so he will not have to be alone. This action is unconscious; outwardly he appears to be in control, the ultimate master of his fate. This type of person will likely use God, salvation, the church and even conversion itself as more powerful ways to protect himself from abandonment. He may experience a conversion, but he will not alter his life game plan because of that conversion per se. In my experience, the CM must lose or almost lose his wife because of his behavior before he becomes honest enough to face his deepest fear and truly experience God's grace.

Another problem with the salvation syndrome is that it reinforces his wife's codependency. On one hand the codependent person sees herself as the victim, the martyr, the one called to suffer, and on the other, as the righteous one, the savior, the "Messiah", the one who is "right" and righteous...She keeps hoping God will act, while refusing to take the necessary action to confront her husband in order to change the dynamics of the situation. She fails to understand that perhaps one way God will use her to "help" her husband is by refusing to be abused and leaving him.