Silence of Domestic Violence

A Forward Design had an article on their blog about restoring the broken.


Shauna Gauthier mentions stats that I'm sure we have all heard of, but she continues:

With these revealing statistics, one might wonder why domestic violence is not at the forefront of our discussions in churches and other community groups. Though the topic is gaining some momentum these days, it is still quite clear that the church has struggled to contend with issues of abuse.

Isn't that the truth! I think they truly don't know what the answers are so they choose NOT to deal with them at all. Domestic violence doesn't have easy answers, and at times there are no good choices. There is no clear path to take. To me they seem to spiritualize it more than deal with it.

There was a story the other day on Ibelieve.com that I read about a women that I'm not sure realizes what she is dealing with yet clearly. I think she is beginning to see it, but the AHEM healthy ones can't see it at all!

SHe was speaking about how her and her spouse were having a disagreement about her housekeeping, and it seems she was trying to get him to understand that she was overloaded as it was. He got frustrated and began to call her names among other things. She wasn't that perfect little Christian lady and was a bit sassy in return. He ran up grabbed her as a man would grab another man, and truly began to rage at that point. It scared her as you can imagine! Can we say either of them was innocent? I'm sure we can say both were not innocent, but the grabbing the wife in that fashion was a bit over the top! Can we say dangerous even?

I would add that both of them or at least one of them need to grow up.

Sniping back and forth will do nothing but lead to greater problems whether verbal or physical. One of them need to stop with the sarcastic and hurtful remarks.

The wife needs to talk to the husband if he is trying to talk to her about the situation. Her refusal to speak to him is just as or more inflamatory than snide and childish comments.

She did get some good comments, but of course you get comments about how she shouldn't provoke him to anger. It seemed to me he provoked first!

You know WHEN the conversation really died? When she posted a letter from him to her as he was quoting scripture to show her how wrong she was in provoking him in this way!

Among some of those:

Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Ephesians 5:21-33
Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (I’ve done this buy allowing you to be who you are. I don’t interfere with your hearts desires and wishes. You do as you please with mostly no complaints from me.) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (I told you to clean and you refused.)

and

Hebrews 13:17
Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. (What advantage is it to you to fight against me? Why do you battle with me? Submission is a hard thing to do but it is a command from God.)
Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. (A desert land is hopeless: hot, no water, sweat, dry, unbearable!! Is it any wonder the bible uses such analogies?)

and

Proverbs 31:10-31
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. ... (IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A WIFE LIKE THIS THESE DAYS!)

and you LOVE this part:

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. YOU ARE GOING TO SEND ME SCRIPTURES ABOUT WHAT A HUSBAND SHOULD DO INSTEAD OF FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU CAN BE DOING DIFFERENTLY. I SAW ON THE COMPUTER YOU LOOKED UP “VERBAL ABUSE”. AS IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH VERBALLY ABUSING YOU WHEN YOU PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE. PLEASE START LOOKING AT HOW YOU CAN CHANGE. IF THERE IS ONE THING FOR CERTAIN IT IS THIS: I HAVE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS. I’VE MADE DRASTIC CHANGES. YOU HAVE CHANGED FOR THE WORST. WHY IS THAT?

You know what I found most telling? The 'you provoked him to anger' crowd somehow disappeared, and had nothing further to say after she posted the letter. I guess he was justified in all his scripture.

As the article I posted to at the top stated:

This is what evil looks like. It is the silencing of those in whom God has uniquely and intentionally created to bear beauty in the world. In an abusive relationship a perpetrator, who was almost always a victim at some point in his or her life, utilizes power and control to destroy the beauty of another. Thus, the cycle of abuse is perpetuated.

I'm sure the husband was a victim at one time, and he felt silenced himself. In this case she isn't really heard, and no one has seen this man's brokeness either. To me BOTH are silenced in different ways!

The grander narrative reveals that Jesus came for the marginalized. There seem to be varying contexts surrounding the marginalization of people, but the effects remain the same. In Jesus’ day those who were deemed “unrighteous” were silenced, shamed and ostracized from society. It was his love that granted them a voice. The savior of the world deemed them worthy of love, conversation and the breaking of bread together. As followers of Christ, we are to reveal the incarnation of this love through our own lives. What does it look like to give a voice to the voiceless? How will we reveal and pursue the humanity of victims and perpetrators alike? How will we begin to seek out the beauty of God that each individual was created to uniquely reveal? When we begin to answer these questions as a community of God, then we will be able to begin contending with issues of domestic violence and abuse.

Great questions. How indeed!

Jerome Preacher Charged with Battery

Bischop Accountability had an article about this pastor, and his charges of domestic violence among other things. Some of the quotes just really stuck me as odd!

But Ron told Nunnally that Darlene threw the first punch - though he admits that she was indeed resisting his sexual advances. He said he thought her reluctance was just part of a game until she hit him.

"That's when I realized this is crazy, what are we doing?" he told Nunnally. "I thought maybe I could make her do it â€- but she didn't want to, so it just got physical from there."

He acknowledges that they fought and that he twice punched her, but he maintains that Darlene was the aggressor, that he never choked her or kept her from calling for help.

The article also speaks about how this had happened in the past, and how his wife didn't wish to risk his reputation as pastor. She didn't return the calls from the interview, but they spoke to others that had seen her bruised up before.

According the Magic Valley this isn't the first time he has been placed in this position of facing domestic violence charges.

Until Thursday, he had been charged with domestic battery, attempted strangulation, rape and sexual penetration with a foreign object - all felonies. Matheney was also charged with a misdemeanor, alleging he destroyed the phone line while she tried to call authorities.

In 1992, he received a withheld judgment in Florida on a domestic violence case and another charge was dismissed against the pastor in New Jersey.

In Thursday's plea-bargain, Matheney made an Alford plea, meaning he does not admit to committing the crime but he agrees that a jury may find him guilty.

In another article by Magic Valley during the trial he asked the court:

"My church is the victim ... I'm asking this court to help my church and help me and this community to heal."

His soon to be X wife stated:

Darlene Matheney said she was victimized by the reverend and still suffers physically and emotionally. She said she didn't want him to go to jail, but requested he receive psychological help. "I feel in myself a loss," she told the courtroom packed with parishioners. "I'm here because I loved him."

Jerome County Prosecutor Paul Krueger told the court Matheney has a prior record of spousal abuse and requested the two-year probation term.

I'm sure he feels he is innocent of the prior issue also right?

Of course his lawyer had to say something about Darlene:

Matheney's lawyer, Lisa Barini-Garcia, called Darlene Matheney "untruthful" and "deceitful" and asked for no probation and a withheld judgment.

Fifth District Court Judge Randy Stoker warned the courtroom against attacking Darlene Matheney's character. "We're not here to try Mrs. Matheney," he said, calling the case against Matheney "serious."

At the end he didn't walk away, but the church's reaction bothered me also:

A high ranking Presbyterian Church official was critical of the newspaper's coverage of Matheney's case. In a letter submitted to Judge Stoker., the Rev. Dale Carlson, general presbyter of Kendall for the U.S.A Presbyterian Church, said Jerome prosecutors tried to "coerce" Matheney into pleading guilty to a felony charge, according to June 26 letter. He called the criminal case an "overreaction" against Matheney.

Matheney continued to preach and work as a counselor as his criminal matter progressed through court, according to a letter to Stoker from church representatives in Jerome. "With our limited knowledge of the law we feel this case should have been formally dismissed, and we consider the results of the plea bargain to be a dismissal by another name," the letter states. "We see no reason why we should seek to change our relationship with him or why he should not remain our pastor."

This man had a prior conviction, they had hospital records, they had other people besides Darlene that had seen bruises beforehand....but all this is an overreaction! YIKES! I pray that this man does indeed get the help and healing he needs. They are truly enabling him, and NOT doing him any favors!

What does this man get as a reward after all this?

According to the MagicValley, and also reported on mountain goat report he is handed a new position at a private school!

The pastor, who maintains his innocence, is leaving his position, although in anything but disgrace. He will become a chaplain at a private school in Utah, the Wasatch Academy prep school in Mount Pleasant, who the Times reports, seem to be "excited for him starting."

Really? Is this how we still feel about domestic violence in 2008? The wife is essentially victimized twice, once by her abuser and a second time by the court. Meanwhile, the abuser continues to preach—what—love? Not exactly the way to encourage domestic violence victims to come forward, already a daunting enough task.

I would question if I would wish my children to attend the school myself. Chaplian twice convicted of domestic violence showing my children what? Its okay to do these things if you friends and supporters are willing to say in denial of your issues?

Its okay to say I hit my wife twice, but she hit me first? She was refusing my advantages, but I thought it was just a game until she hit me? She has medical reports showing things, and he admits things got crazy after he tried FORCE her to do it anyway...BUT remember she hit FIRST! As he mentioned his advantages that were unwelcome, and then the fact he decided that he could force her AFTER she hit him was justified also! I mean WHO think like that? A pastor that was charged with battery, and took the plead bargin because he knew he could be found quilty THAT's WHO!

The Church is Afraid to speak of Domestic Violence!

I have to say at times I get so burned out speaking of this subject - emotional abuse, verbal abuse and domestic violence. It seems no one listens, and no one hears except for the victims themselves! The victims are WHOM I'm addressing most of the time. I want to make sure they feel heard, and I want them to feel they are NOT alone and shame is NOT something that everyone uses to HUSH them up! I feel at times people that see people like myself that speak about abuse as some joke, and we are not be taken seriously. I dare to speak of something that is taboo, and since I speak so much of it I must have a one track mind. Everything in my world must be seen as abusive. Its strange to me how they can't see that some people are able to view things, and realize the difference.

People speak of the healing of faith, and how God can bring healing and peace. The difference between God and those that speak of it at times seems to be that when we do receive healing and peace we are still seen as broken to the church family. Its like we have some label attached to us that can never be removed.

I don't believe that abuse is gender based, and I do believe that men can also be victims of their wives and partners. We hear all the time of stories of abusive mothers (which seems more common place in the news media), and it confuses me as to why others don't feel that abuse can be carried on towards men (or spouses) in their lives as well.

The stereotypes of what men SHOULD be or ARE I think at times is the biggest burden! I read at times they feel its the feminist movement. I have to disagree with that statement. LOL NOT because I'm a feminist, but because I guess I tend to place to much of other types of logic towards issues! HECK the world can't take domestic violence serious enough from what they feel is the 'real' victims, and I see men having to get handed a bigger burden of being believed!

The world at large has blinders on for the most part! If they don't understand or shallow the 'women's' part - which they don't for the most part - why in heavens name would they believe the 'macho' end of things? YEP I'm talking stereotypes! MEN should be able to defend themselves! Okay then. Sigh! That to me shows ignorance of the issue overall.

Here we have the secular world that to me is doing a better of job of attempting to learn the dynamics of abuse, and then you have the church that tends to use scripture to avoid it. They tend to remind me of the superstitious people of the past!

If you just view it as the devil's world, and just do your JOB as a Christian God will make it go away!

If you just place it at the foot of the cross Jesus will take that burden from you!

If you are upset you are doing things out of GETTING and not SERVING!

I have to say that the faith world has more excuses to NOT deal with SIN than the secular world does! The secular world at times also places the burden of the abuse upon the victims, but the church at times are champions of that cause!

In the past you didn't speak of such things!

ITS takes TWO to tango!

They are both NUTS it seems!

Don't speak of it, and those poor children will live their lives the right way - GOD WILLING!

We are NOW living the burden of the silence! Men in the past would risk their manhood - as the world viewed it - if they dared admit things as well. That hasn't changed all that much sadly.

To me there are two types of feminists! The radicals that take things a bit to far, and are unrealistic....lol and those that I'm thankful for! I'm able to vote, own property and basically have ROOM to make my own mistakes in alot of realms that were never granted to those woman of the past! I don't believe that men want to keep us down, and for the most part do things to keep us there. Are there some? LOL oh yes!

I don't have issue with women that work, and I don't have issue with women that don't...in the secular view of the work place okay? I think there are families that juggle careers and family very well, and those that fail miserably! I don't think all or even MOST of the burden should be laid upon the woman as I see some churches attempting. Men or Fathers are important to little boys and girls, and JUST as important are fathers to their children! I also realized no gender is immune when it comes to neglect, abuse, etc to the family. My own father traveled alot, but to his credit when he was home made sure there was special time for his children. I'm sure some men would think he has 'female' traits because of his sensitive nature. I'm sure at times he struggled with that. I for one am glad he had it, and I know my brother would say the same.

I have even read stories of fathers staying home with the children while their wives brought home the bacon.......and both were evil! He was showing to many female traits, and she was basically in sin all over the place. Mr MOM as the movies would call it to me is individual. God makes us all different, and if it works for everyone I truly don't take issue with it! She isn't the authority of the home because she brings home the money! LOL! As if that is the definition! Supporting and being the head has a broader definition. Respect the gifts that God gave you for goodness sakes! YES I know the bible states the man is support the family and all, but it doesn't say income is the definition of that!

In my home MOM was the emotionally detached one - per the stereotype of men compared to Dad! I'm NOT saying she was that to extreme as the world would see it, but Dad at times was easier to cuddle up and get close to! I have to say that confused me for a long time, until I realized the domestic violence that she dealt with growing up...and the church in my eyes basically endorsed that! She did what she had to and survived, and never felt safe enough to let go. That's was society at the time (and seems WORSE than today even!), but she did get better as time rolled by! I think there was alot of factors for that, and she may even struggle with that for life. Dad also had his domestic issues growing up, and it made him more sensitive I'm sure.

Emotional abuse is basically a joke to the church. Its basically a joke to much of the world. They think acting like a jerk - which we can all be at times - is called abusive. DEAL WITH IT as Dr. Laura says and get over it! If they had a clue what the definition entailed maybe they wouldn't be such JERKS to victims! Abuse is a pattern of behavior, and NO it isn't NOT dependent on submission and feeling honored, loved and all the rest! I believe the church trains enablers. GOD doesn't train enablers, but the church does!

LETS look at addicts for a moment okay? If we pray enough do they turn their lives around automatically? I'm not going to say there aren't some, but what about MOST? What do the parents, siblings, partners, etc do when they just HUSH it away with excuses like hard times, joblessness, and just basically life ROTS type of excuses? They tend to prolong things for the most part right? I can't tell you how many stories I have read of people that basically endured domestic abuse, and then when finally BROKE and did something extreme like slap them or screamed or call them names back.....got the brunt of the backlash because they admitted it. They admitted they broke under the pressure, and must endure the condemning statements towards their behavior. The pressure that led up to that act? That may be touched on a bit, but not truly taken into account. The way they are treated its as if it didn't happen. People are just NOT capable of seeing the whole picture. They may have been told about parts of the picture, but its quickly pushed off as 'we are only hearing YOUR version!" They treat them like that sentence also. YOUR version of things! I have yet to see a version that is quickly taken seriously for the most part.

Is there no difference, and am I justify this - their reactions after a while? HECK no! They do call it reactive abuse. The difference is the approach, and the willingness to do things for their partner to show their respect, honor and love..and yet finally broke and lashed back! They broke because they are human, and being human is what they are crucified for! The constant BAM BAM BAM of the abusive nature was returned by words or a slap! They are equal now with them, and are NOW just as abusive! You see a true Christian wouldn't do such a thing! Since they aren't allowed an outlet to speak with or have empathy with....they are to be the perfect humans and endure! HATE to say this but most of us would break after a while! We are all to be the perfect Jesus in the face of a broken spouse, and if you can't do that you are JUST as bad as they are! No one can be Jesus. The people that use those types of statements aren't anywhere close either! LOOK what Jesus endured they tell you! They forget about the many times he almost got stoned, and fled because it wasn't his time yet. He endured the torture and the cross for a purpose, and people have to ask themselves WHAT purpose is enduring domestic abuse? Do they seriously think there are true comparsions here? You have a family of broken and hurting people, and they are handed: Pray, Endure, Pray, Submit, Pray, LOVE THEM, Pray, HONOR THEM, Pray, and show proper LEADERSHIP, Pray, and will you PLEASE keep it down its to ugly for us to deal with! This behavior doesn't belong in the church so STOP! That is what they are telling and showing people. They leave the broken people to heal themselves - by themselves - even when the bible speaks of the body of Christ is to help one another. Their 'help' isn't help, and people get tired and worn out they are told WELL that's because you don't have enough faith, etc.

I get crispy dealing with this issue of domestic violence or domestic abuse within the church. I get tired when people refuse to see it, and I get exhausted when they make excuses for it. To me we are to deal with it as the body of Christ. For the most part we aren't. There are days in which I want to give up. I won't delete the blog, but I do feel like I need to stop writing. Then I get my second wind, and I see there are now so many gifted writers out there that are now writing about this also! I pray that we as a collective group can make people hear. The church is afraid to speak of domestic violence! I guess others will have to do it for them. Sorry...my vent for the day.

You can stop the fights. It is very simple. You stop fighting with him.

Sanctuary for the Abused as a good article on Reactive Abuse.

I have seen in the faith realm that many people will speak of their reactions of finally breaking and fighting back in some fashion. They react with harshness, pushing them away, hitting, etc. They felt they just could NOT take it anymore!

What is the reaction they receive? It certainly isn't one of understanding. Let me make one thing clear here I'm NOT justifying bad behavior from anyone I'm saying its normal at times. Everyone has their breaking point, and in most situations victims of abuse are told to just DO what the abuser wishes then they don't have to worry about it.

What they don't realize is the abuser is looking for the reaction, and will push whatever buttons they can to get it.

Reactive abuse is a tool that abusers use to show the world that its NOT THEM that is crazy, but the victim due to their reactions!

People will hand over all kinds of advice like:

Focus on you and what you can do do be a better person, a better wife, a better mother. You don't have to argue with him. You can walk away.

You can stop the fights. It is very simple. You stop fighting with him.

You have one person not reacting badly or sinfully. That makes things better than two people reacting sinfully.

Perhaps, after you take the focus off your husband and he sees you changing *your* behavior, becoming more loving, stopping your side of the verbal abuse, etc, you will be able to convince him that counseling would not just be another way of manipulating him. Because right now, you really do want him to go to counseling so *he* will change and do things according to the way you think he ought to, and he's probably picked up on that.

You can't make your husband stop but you can. And you are just as responsible for this mess as your husband is. Get some help for yourself before you really hurt your spouse and end up in jail for the night. He could bring charges against you and end up with the kids. You need to stop this.

To me thoses types of responses are excellent examples of simplistic advice, and means of diverting off the REAL issue and placing the burden back on the victim.

I don't think anyone is going to justify ugly behavior towards another. God wishes us all to treat each other in a fashion that we respect that we are all God's creations. To often I see people ignore that before the reality before the reactive abuse happened. Victims do have to work on themselves, but not in the way most expect them to. Learning to bend until you break, and learning to endure the abuse, and making people feel you must NOT have done something right or else they wouldn't react like this ....WELL that's denial of the advice giver!

What excuses were you handed, and how did you feel about them? If you respond it could help others understand they are not alone, and helps them see the reality of what is really happening in their life!

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