Monday, June 23, 2008

INTRODUCTION: VICTIM OR SURVIVOR? A Deeper Look into the Question

Posted by Hannah at 9:47 PM

I'm Standing on the Edge of a Raisin is a very heart wrecking story of a survivor of domestic violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse ...and much MUCH more!

So many times I have heard stories of others telling spouses that are experiencing domestic violence that they MUST get into couple's counseling PRONTO! That's insane! Couple's counseling is the LAST thing you do! I'm not going to say you NEVER do that, but certainly NOT while the abuser is still ABUSING!

Lets use some common sense for a minute here okay? YEP here comes my sarcasm! You have one person that controls and is abusive and chances are very vindictive at times! A scary person! Then you have the victim. Lets go back to our childhood and remember the bully and the one they LOVED to beat up on a regular basis! What happened to that bullied child in the principal office if he tattled? If the child did it once - they thought twice if they were faced with it again! Payback is normal for abusers also. Did you know that when a couple gets OUT of joint counseling - a couple that experiences physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse - domestic violence in general - have the WORSE ride home from counseling and also could be very dangerous for the victim? Think of the bully child again for a moment! Do you think that bullied child felt perfectly safe on the ride home from school on the bus? In alot of stories I heard growing up that child was waiting to get plummeled! GUESS WHAT!! The victim spouse will ALSO!

Abusers and victims of domestic violence need separate types of help. In most cases victims are afraid to speak up about TO much in counseling if their abuser is staring them down! They know the emotional abuse and verbal abuse will follow, and chances of them getting hurt with physical abuse is a possibility as well. The world and irresponsible counselors don't get that! SERIOUSLY where is their common sense?? THEY should KNOW better! Abusers and victims may not think that far ahead! LOL I take that back abusers LOVE joint counseling - they can control that!

Okay! Off my soapbox! Lets get to the blog I linked to!

THe blogger spoke of her experiences with a counselor that truly didn't get it! The counselor had NO experience with domestic violence, and here is this poor lady having post tramatic stress issues, and all the counselor could say was WHY didn't you JUST LEAVE??? Ahem. She did leave! She was living in a domestic violence shelter, and the counselor KNEW that!

She was told she just liked living in the 'victim' world! What I see from that comment is that people need to silence victims. Victims of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, etc all need to have their voice back! They need to SPEAK of this things, and they need to learn to grow past them. Anger has been surpressed for so long, and its just like a pressure cooker you may spout some steam out from time to time.....but you truly need to HIT that release value soon as its SAFE to do so! Its NOT safe to do so while living within a abusive relationship! What is really awful is you are not allowed to feel happy, proud, sad or anything else either! You have to FEEL what the abuser wants you to otherwise you will pay. Victims will speak alot once they feel safe, and you need to find people that are supportive enough to listen! THAT is your first step to abuse survivor!

When my father died part of my grieving process was speaking about his last day on this earth. I struggled with this for some reason, and I think it was due to the fact I had to make the decision to allow him to go. My father told me this is what he wanted, and he had me promise that it would be done the way he wanted it done. He was terminal. It was matter of how long did they wish him to suffer. When the time came all the other families members were gone, and I went ahead with my father's wishes. I think part of my guilt was the fact they may be upset over this decision. Later I found they were relieved, and I'm sure part of that was they didn't have to do this! Can't blame them there! I don't regret it okay? I look back and it was the best decision. I don't blame the family members for NOT wanting to be the ones to make it either! Its never easy no matter WHAT the circumstance is! I think I doubted for a long time. I will never forget my father telling me he didn't want to be another Teri Schiavo! That woman that her husband fought to take out her feeding tube, and allow her to die? He had the paperwork ready, but he feared it! He trusted us to know when it was time. I think grief at times turns on all kinds of faucets - they just pour out all kinds of feelings, emotions, etc. I needed to talk about it. TALK about I did! It helped me so much!

Take a good look at her article! She broke it down in sections. I hate to say this but this happens at times with alot victims of abuse. Remember abuse isn't gender related! I'm sure some irresponsible slug will tell a man to BE a MAN... or insane comments along those stereotypes!

If you are getting help with emotional abuse, verbally abuse - or any realm of domestic violence related relationship and you SNIFF anything familiar with this article RUN like the wind! There are supportive people keep talking until someone listens! GOD bless!

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