Thursday, June 26, 2008

Detaching from an abusive christian spouse

Posted by Hannah at 8:51 PM

The intention of emotional abuse is "to destroy the self-esteem and self-confidence of his partner" is mentioned by Because of Him. She also it seems has learned to detach from him in a healthy manner.

An abuser will use every means possible to maintain
control by making the victim feel worthless and totally dependent on

She goes on to say.

She speaks about a experience that she recently had with her husband. It was a story of what some may call detaching from emotional abuse her husband was dishes out at family gathering.

"Fine. I hope you have a way home. Actually, don't bother coming home because all your stuff will be in the street if you ever show up. I'm done with you." then he proceeded to stomp off to the car where he sat the rest of the time we were there.

How many can relate to hearing this type of verbal abuse at home? Sadly, I think way to many! Normally you hear others being told to ask themselves if they might have done something to offend their spouse when they hear stories like this. Ask they are having a hard time at work, or maybe very worried about something. I don't think people realize they are coddling these people even if it IS intentionally! What is even stranger is you continue to tell stories like this, which most people don't...they tend to clam up after that .... people still have a hard time seeing it for what it is.

I didn't follow him and apologize, beg him to come back to the reception, say I was sorry, carry on and make it my fault. There was a time I would have, especially since we were more than 100 miles from home. I turned my back and had a good time with my family while he pouted in the hot car. I refuse to give him what he wants.
Everyone needs to come to this point. This is a good example of how to detach in a healthy manner from abusive behavior. I saw towards the end of her post that she felt that maybe one day she won't have to be so rude. Actually, I don't think it was rude. I think it was boundaries that were healthy ones. She has allowed herself to see the abuse for what it is, and has learned to detach the only way she can for now.

I know what alot of you are thinking. It won't work. Doing something that is healthy for you at the time isn't going to be well received by an abusive spouse - granted! Rushing to apologize, begging him to come back, saying you are sorry isn't going to place you in a better place either. Detaching enough to see things may send a message that they don't want to hear, but abusers don't like boundaries. Abusers hate when people detach from them, and sadly people get GOOD at that when they distance themselves from them. If you can't separate at this point then educate yourself so that you see things for what they are, and learn to detach yourself even as they pout in that hot car.

Go and read the story...its very good example of how to detach from abuse. The rest of her story may sound familiar as well. My prayers are with her.

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