Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sticks and Stones...and names will never hurt me!

Posted by Hannah at 10:08 AM

Verbal Abuse - Emotional Abuse

I wish he would just HIT me so I would feel I could leave!

You have to be extra nice to your spouse and be very careful to avoid any disrespectful don't want to give your husband any ammunition like angry outburts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands as an excuse

No one takes me serious enough because he has never laid on hand on me!

It truly kills me when I read things like this, and other statements people have made to shame the hurting person into staying put. Telling them this is their axe to grind for life, and just pray for them and be nicer ..... and wait for God to come down on their heads!

Danni at Because It Matters did a awesome series of articles about verbal abuse.

Sticks & Stones: Why Verbal Abuse Kills, I

Because we identify people by their external appearance, we are confusing physical injuries with the substance of the abuse. OK, that sounded a little disconnected. Bear with me a minute here.

Remember, who you are is not your body. You are the person who is wearing that body suit during this earthly lifetime. Who you are is independent of your body, though the two are connected.

What makes physical abuse so horrific is the same thing that makes verbal abuse so horrific. What makes either one unbearably bad is the attack on the person — the real person, not the body being worn by the person. Physical abuse generally comes with verbal abuse. The physical abuse communicates assault, hatred, even murder, against the person within the body. The physical abuse is a vehicle for the heart of the abuse - the attack on the person inside the skin.

Abuse is an assault on the person. It can and will kill the person. Physical abuse is just one manifestation of abuse - it is not the worst; it is the most visible and it can certainly kill the fastest. All forms of abuse can and will kill because they are attacking who the victim really is. The heart of all types of abuse is the assault on the person — sometimes through the person’s emotions, sometimes through the person’s self worth, sometimes through the person’s body, sometimes through the person’s spirit — but always against the person.

How completely true is that? People can't see this, and place that barrier there. Even with physical abuse the attack is on the person INSIDE the skin! They may pummel the body, but what they are really after - or what they want to truly attack - is the person inside.

Their rage and fury isn't targeted towards the eye that was blackened, or the bone that was broke. They were after the person inside that body.

Verbal Abuse and Emotional abuse is an attack on our person INSIDE the skin! Our body is just a shell that holds everything in, but our spirit and soul is what God is concerned about. The way I read it our body doesn't go to heaven, but the person inside the body does. Why people are so concerned with the physical shell so much, and not so concerned about the portion inside that really counts just plain blows me away! I do believe both are important, and God is more concerned about the person under the skin.

They tell you that you can't change the person. God is the only one that can truly help this person change. True. I think at times people need that incentive to want God's love in their life, and wish to follow the way he would have us live.

I was reading a story the other night about a young girl in another country in which they truly treat their young people, and women in such cruel ways that we can't even imagine! A teenage girl was victim of an attempted rape, and when she fought them they beat her and pour acid down her throat...and left her to die. She was near a Christian based hospital, and was taken there for treatment. They spoke of the Lord there of course, and she was saved. The end portion of the story shows her incentive to start that journey of faith!

She lived her whole life believing she was worth very little. When she was left to die, there was no one she could believe in, no one she could look to for love and acceptance.

Asha’s vocal chords were badly damaged from the acid, and she’ll always speak with a raspy voice. Fortunately, she heard the gospel in the missionary hospital and accepted it that very day. “How could I refuse?” she says. “[Jesus’ sacrifice] is the first time a man has ever done anything out of love for me.”

God hated the oppression that girl that to endure in the attempted rape, but no one can tell me he wasn't the least bit concerned over the fact she was always been made to feel worthless. It was oppression of her person inside that got her to that state, and NOT the skin, teeth, bones and the blood inside! Jesus sacrifice was for our person inside as well. The one inside the body. The soul that will be carried to heaven when we die.

If you read James 3 you will see that words are powerful, and very damaging! This chapter speak of signs of verbal abuse, and signs of emotional abuse damage as well. If the bible says this should we ignore that? If the bible states this why is it people ignore it? Why the excuses? Why diversion?

People that mininize verbal abuse and emotional abuse need to go back to their bibles that read what the word says about that.

If they are true bible followers they will take a second look at what their opinions of the past were showing, and see the fruit they could have bared. Once they acknowledge that words are JUST as damaging as being pounded on - because the bible states this - the church will be come a haven for the victims.

People tend to use only portions of the bible that seem to suit them, and they totally ignore other portions. They refuse to see what is clearly in front of them, and have to wonder what God will say to them when its their time to come home!

Why is it that you saw so much oppression, and you did nothing to help? Why were you showing them how to deal with oppression, and not showing them what the light of truth can do? Why did you NOT help those families?

We are always told that God didn't promise an easy life. He didn't tell us that we were not going to have to endure pain and agony at times. People in our bible stories also endured pain, agony as well I realize that. The stories they speak about show purpose to their pain. Where is our purpose with abuse present in the home? Where is the purpose of child verbal abuse, and child emotional abuse when people can help?

What will God say to you when you knew pain was being endured, and you did nothing to help stop that? Verbal abuse is oppression as well. Don't believe the junk about how its HARD to know if abuse is present. How emotional abuse and verbal abuse is hard to spot.....its NOT! We all know we just don't want to admit it. We don't want to deal with it because it will take up to much of our resources, and our time...I mean we might miss our son's soccer game!

The church looks like a huge hyprocite to the secular world NOT just because they don't know the truth, but because the church is blinded by their 'so called' faith when it comes to issues they refuse to deal with. Faith has nothing to do with denial, and yet you see alot of denial within the church.

The secular world will tell an abused party to leave, separate or even divorce, and the church is up an arms. Why? Its better to go home and better a better spouse! Love and honor them, and do something SPECIAL for them! Submit to them, and keep praying that God will help you........and the secular world looks at them and asks, "Why don't you help?"

Strange how I can see God asking the same question!

If the church dealt with the issue of all types of abuse - maybe they wouldn't have to worry about their divorce rates so much!

What do you think?

When the church sees emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse - the whole realm of domestic violence ........ when they start to truly DEAL with it maybe their divorce rates will go down! THAT is what I think!

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Jeannette Altes on 11:57 PM said...

Hmm... This may be a bit snarky. I'm sorry. But I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that if church leaders did what you ask, they would have to deal with the abuse in their own homes.

Hannah on 8:09 AM said...

If they have abuse in their homes - you have a good point!

Jeannette Altes on 5:13 AM said...

I know that not all pastor's are abusers, but in my personal experience, a good percentage of them are...

Unknown on 6:43 AM said...

Hmmm. Good post, Hannah. And thanks for your comment on my site, by the way. :)

So long as we believe the church to be 'separate' from 'unbelievers', we will continue to act as though we are better then 'the world'. How sad that we would push women back into abusive relationships in the name of honoring marriage. What an insult to God! To honor the form more than the person! The more transparent we are, both as a church and as individuals, the more we allow God to move, I think. I hope your blog encourages women to stand up for themselves, and not buy into this evil (-- sorry ,no other word for it)idea that she is worth less than a man, and that since she is a Christian, she should just 'suck it up and take it.'

Mara Reid on 2:29 PM said...

I don't know what the percentage of Pastors or "Upstanding" church members who abuse is. I'm sure it's more than what most of them want to admit. I don't know if the percentage is between 1% to 25% or if it is more than that. But I do know that much of the rest of the church is in deep denial.

Just this last Sunday I spoke to a gal in church whose husband was a pastor and all her daughters were grown. She said that they were strict but that even their "prodigal" daughter who came back to the Lord didn't think they were too hard on them. And I tend to believe her because I know three out of four of her daughters.

The difficulty I had in talking to her about it was not in my belief that she did not abused, but in her disbelief that others who called themselves (pastors or otherwise) strict might actually have been abusive.

It was as though when I suggested that others within the body might have used the word strict when in actuality it was abuse that I was somehow calling her and her husband abusive. It was as though she took it personal or that I was speaking things against the church that shouldn't be said.

But I can't stop talking about these things. Some of the walking wounded do try church again, and we (the church) must be a place of healing not a place of denial.

Do you have statistics on how much abuse occurs in church? I bet only God knows. And I agree with you. It goes on way more that what most want to admit.

Mara Reid on 2:30 PM said...

Hannah, I hope you don't mind me addressing Katherine on your blog. But what she talks about concerns me as well as I know it does you.

Hannah on 4:08 PM said...

Not at all Mara - that is what the comments are there for!

'''''It was as though she took it personal or that I was speaking things against the church that shouldn't be said.'''''

That is what we call the 'holy hush', and YES in some circles you don't speak of such things.

People don't believe domestic abuse happens in CHURCH of all places!

One of the oddest remarks I got from a pastor when he was asked if he ever preached on domestic violence was, "We don't speak of such social ills!"

DENIAL - oh yes! I asked him if he spoke of porn, etc. He said YES of course - than I asked if that was 'social ill' as well?? the conversation went silent at that point.

sighhhh! I guess with his diversion of silence at that point was another way of saying, 'that's different!'.

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