Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Abusive Woman - Part Two

Posted by Hannah at 10:32 AM

Yesterday I started to talk about the Abusive Woman using a show someone sent to me. The show is Wife Swap, and we have the two button pushers from both families living together. The more laid back counterparts? The are in the other home.

What's funny is Jay mentions, "When is she going to come out of her coma, and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her?"

ITS true in this situation, but its also true with his viewpoint towards things! He will at least come up for air in time!

It has been 4 days of her sitting on the sofa, and playing sick. She refuses to even do the dishes, because HE needs to realize marriage is a partnership. (giggles - oh boy!)

She totally dropped the ball with everything, because she doesn't 'want to'. I was surprised at how nicely he put it to her in a confrontation, and telling her he will treat her like a queen next? YIKES! That will help huh? NOT!!

THE SWAP Happens!

Lin decides she will be the new boot camp instructor within the home. What was kind of neat about that was she was going to TRY to get HIM to feel better about himself. She was going to be that 'helper' we hear about. Her whole focus is HIM, and she will try to help him get control of his life as she puts it. She will also place some focus on the children that Rebbecca also neglects.

Did you see the man's face when she told him HE was going BACK to being a DJ!!!!!!! He lit up didn't he?

Jay on the other hand is told that he will cook, clean, and do all the WIFE role stuff. What is his attitude compared to her's? YES MAME!

She took away the army clothes, and told him he WILL get involved with his daughter's interests this week. No more exercise, but quality family time!

She also wishes to show him a bit of spice and romance that his wife will feel once she returns. He is a bit insulted by the fact she insists he doesn't appreciate his wife, and he leaves the room upset.

Tony of course didn't take to the boot camp exercise to well at first, but she didn't scream at him over it. Its hard to change your lifestyle, and would be for anyone! Their daughter loved the attention given to her at cheer leading practice, and its clear she misses that from her mother.

Jay packed away his boot camp gear, and JUMPED right into his duties.

Rebbecca made some claim about him just 'going though the motions' so he can turn back to his old ways, and continue to be selfish. She basically projected things she will do to him. This is typical abusive behavior.

Its amazing how she can't see that trait within herself isn't it? That is what she did at the end! He didn't JUST go with the motions, but saw the light. You will see her ingrained root of rage, and control tactics the whole show.

Since Tony doesn't wish to take his exercise routine seriously Lin decides a major checkup at the doctor is needed to wake him UP! After the doctor scared him enough? He decided his children were motivation to take his health seriously, and stop being selfish as he put it. I hope he sincerely sticks with it. He seems like a nice man to me. I wouldn't wish anything to happen to him. He seems like a good DAD!

Jay of course as you can imagine is getting tired of being 'bossed' around, and confronts her about the 50/50 cut in her home. Its amazing she was SO SICK that she couldn't take the trash out, but sit there and complain about it. She could start the dishes, because she was able but refused to. He was doing it all, but he needed to step UP according to her!

Jay admits its amazing how someone can sit there and look at you with a straight face, and LIE about their contributions.

Abusers are very good at this. I have to wonder HOW they can do this myself!

Can you imagine people telling you that you may be a bit sensitive about that? How maybe you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Maybe they just need to feel your LOVE a bit more? Talk about frustrating and feeling not heard huh?

Victims hear this regularly. NOT just by the abusers, but from support systems they attempt to reach out to. HOW can they get control of things, and change the dynamics when everyone is not listening, or can't validate them in any way? If you can't admit how bad it is, and try to just sugar coat it? It brings helplessness to some, and downright anger to others. You can't blame either of them!

Lin is finding she feels good about giving support, instead of always ASKING for support all the time. She really can't feel that way at home if you look to Jay. He is the BOSS and LEADER of the home, and she is to follow orders. She maybe leading Tony at this point, but the attitude and intent is not the same is it? It seems to me that is the proper view of leadership. Why? People respond to that in a way that is good for everyone! I'm sure it looks different for other families, but I'm talking her approach. IT helps the family, and doesn't have to concentrate on feeling like the LEADER!

When it comes to 'family time' Jay is finding he has a whole new respect for what his wife does.

He also is finding that his little girl? WELL she isn't such a 'little girl' anymore, and he better get more involved with her life before her childhood passes him by.

Both Jay and his daughter are disappointed in Rebbecca that she is either sick or doesn't wish to do things.

They notice that she says one thing, and does another. As you can see from this dynamic it is not only Jay that is being taken advantage of in some ways, but its his daughter that is being neglected. Its not just the spouse that feels things, but the children as well.

Tony gets to try out his DJ job, and you can see how MUCH he feels good about himself in that role. Its like he has a new spring in his step!

His old radio station also offers him a job when he is ready. That just totally made his day! You can see even his daughter was excited for him, and she saw clearly how much that impacted him!

Jay and Rebbecca decide he needs a romantic dinner to remind him that his wife could use a little romance in her life! What happened when Rebbecca is called to task over her laziness, excuses, and la la land talk?

She refuses to participate and leaves.

How does she handle the confrontation at that point? She not only leaves the restaurant, but leaves his home to goes to a hotel. The next day she refuses to say goodbye, and goes to the spa instead.

All these shows end when the couples met together at a neutral spot, hug, and then go and sit down all four them together.

Rebbecca can't stand the attention of the cameras at this point, and totally refuses to participate in the last portion at all.

She threatens to stop the show if they don't get TONY in the car with her NOW!

Abusers do this all the time. They sabotage things they don't like when things get uncomfortable.

They don't like it if they are going to be confronted, or face with their own character flaws. She refuses to have ANYTHING to do with ANYONE! That was her form of control.

Tony has to remind her NOT to get mad at him because he is on her side. You notice she attacked him right off the bat? If something else is bothering abusers in life its quite normal for an abuser to attack their partner. Things are uncomfortable for them? They snap their partners heads right OFF! Does she sound like she would be in the mood to receive a nice, "Back off will you please" speech?

She makes it quite clear to him if he doesn't do as she expects? There will be hell to pay once she gets home. She does this before SHE allows any further production to continue! ON YEAH spoiled is a good word for it! Control freak abuser is another!

When Tony finally gets her to the table Jay makes it clear it was more than rude of her to make all of them wait. Granted maybe he could have done it differently, because I think he knew what her reaction would be. HE does have a point none the less!

Tony attempts to stick up for her, and Jay tells him how it was ALL WEEK! She of course interrupts, and he asks her to LET HIM FINISH! Abusers interrupt all the time, and in their intimidating ways? Victims don't normally get a chance to finish. They just won't listen to it. If they are pressed to? Chances are good payback is coming, or downright silent treatment is your punishment.

I can tell you right now Tony is going to be trouble as SOON as he gets in the car with her. HOW DARE he let that man even OPEN his mouth!

She made all kinds of excuses as to WHY she didn't help with anything. She was sick. She wasn't suppose to do anything. He points out to her that she didn't' have any issues sitting around doing nothing but barking orders!

The other parts of the series!

The Abusive Woman - Watch the other side!

The Abusive Woman - Final Part

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