FREE HUGS!

Video to make you feel better!

LINK

I think everyone need some FREE HUGS lately! Check it OUT! WOO HOO! made me feel better!

Internet Safety for the abused!

* IMPORTANT NOTE FOR YOUR SAFETY

An abuser may be able to tell which Internet sites you have visited on your computer. The safest places to find information on the Internet are at a local library, a friend's home computer, or at work.

Most Internet browser programs (Internet Explorer, Navigator, AOL, and others) create a "history file" that shows a list of what has been viewed on your computer. If you feel you might be in danger if someone discovers that you have visited this site, make sure to delete the history file and "temporary Internet files". Do not save, "bookmark", or save as a Favorite" risky pages in your browser or other Internet software.
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
> see the Help menu of your internet software and "My Computer" in Microsoft systems.
> see detailed advice at http://www.abanet.org/domviol/internet.html
and http://www.womenslaw.org/internet.htm

Instructions for deleting risky items from the History folder and Temporary Internet Files:

INTERNET EXPLORER:
1. In the menu bar, select "Tools", then "Internet Options." (at bottom)



2. On "General" tab, under "Temporary Internet Files," click on "Delete Files." If asked, check the box to delete all offline content.


Still within the Temporary Internet Files section, click on Settings. (This next step may make it harder to navigate pages where you'd like your information to be remembered, but these remaining cookies do show website pages you have visited. Therefore, use your own judgment as to whether or not to take this next step). Click on "View Files."


Manually highlight all the files (cookies) shown, then hit Delete.



3. On the same "General" tab, look for the "History" section. Select "Clear History."
In Windows 98:
1) Click on Start button
2) Select "Taskbar and Start Menu"
3) Select the "Start Menu" tab
4) Click on "Open Office Document"
5) Open the "History" folder and erase any files from this website.
NETSCAPE:
1. In the menu bar, select "Edit", then select "Preferences."
2. On Navigator, choose "Clear History".
3. Click on "Advanced" then select "Cache."
4. Select "Clear Disk Cache".
On older versions of Netscape, go to the "Options" menu. Select "Network Options," and then "Cache." Select "Clear Disk Cache".
AOL:
1. In the menu bar, select "Members," then select "Preferences."
2. Select the WWW icon.
3. Select "Advanced" and "Purge Cache."
Additionally, a victim needs to make sure that the "Use Inline Autocomplete" box is NOT checked. This function will complete a partial web address while typing a location in the address bar at the top of the browser. If you are using Internet Explorer, this box can be found on the MS Internet Explorer Page by clicking on "Tools" at the top of the screen, then "Internet Options," and then the "Advanced" tab. About halfway down there is a "Use inline AutoComplete" box that can be checked and unchecked by clicking on it. Uncheck the box to disable the feature that automatically completes an internet address when you start typing in the internet address box.

Lessons for David and Saul - Prospective on Domestic Abuse

I recently found a website called "Abigails" They have a bible study for domestic abuse based I Samuel 16-26. They pointed out various traits we tend to read about in abusers (Saul) and victims (David). They also have some good reference materials including links for battered men, safety plans, article about legal advice, etc. I have placed those links in my "helpful link" or "men's section".

Below is the last page of the study. There was one verse that STUCK me when I read it as I went into this study.

Proverbs 9:7 If you correct conceited people, you will only be insulted. If you reprimand evil people, you will only get hurt.

I was WOWED! LOL! See below for the last page!

Link to this page

Winning at Any Price
Have you ever had the feeling that your partner sees you as an enemy? Saul repeatedly called David his "enemy" (1 Samuel 19:17 and 24:19), even though David swore not to harm him (1 Samuel 24:21-22) and spared his life twice (1 Samuel 24 and 26). You may have said as David did in 1Samuel 20:1, "What have I done? What is my crime?".

Like Saul, many abusers have an adversarial view of the world. Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, describes abusers as living in a separate reality. In this reality, the world must be manipulated and controlled, and everyone is a potential enemy.

Their relationships are based on control, not cooperation.

Warmth and openness are seen as weakness and vulnerability.

Their self-worth may come from getting what they want, or a sense of one-upmanship.

People living in this other reality may feel powerful when they put someone down, call them degrading names, or withhold communication or information. They may have to have the last word and insist on being right.

Accepting a partner as an equal would be a disadvantage, because it would mean giving up control, dominance, and privilege. This win-lose attitude and the need for control can be carried to the extreme. People living in this "other reality" may relentlessly pursue their victims through the courts in order to "win." Some become stalkers. Others feel they must win at any price—even homicide. (Saul sent a whole army after David.) Because of this, threats should always be taken seriously: if a person could possibly think of it and say it, it is very possible for them to act on it. We should believe they will, and act accordingly.

What a contrast Saul's use of power is to the type of authority that Jesus taught and demonstrated! Though he had all authority and power, he washed the feet of his disciples and sacrificed himself for us all. In Matthew 20:25-28 Jesus explained godly leadership this way: "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Discussion Questions:

What are some of the ways in which the concept of headship can be misused within a marriage?

What are some ways in which you may have tried to convince an abusive partner that you were not his enemy? What was the result?

If you have read this study........any WOW's for you?

Breaking the 'Holy Hush'

Breaking the 'Holy Hush 'Evangelicals find new resources to address domestic violence.
by Gail Martin

The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that about 1.5 million women in the United States are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner every year. Nearly one-third of American women report having experienced physical or sexual abuse by a husband or boyfriend at some point during their lives, according to the Commonwealth Fund’s 1998 Survey of Women’s Health.

Christians are no exception to these alarming statistics.

“The rate of abuse in Christian homes is exactly the same as in the general population,” says Catherine Clark Kroeger, co-founder of Peace and Safety in the Christian Home (PASCH). “If we could tear off the secrecy and then allow God’s grace to work, that would be the greatest gift.” Kroeger, an adjunct associate professor of classical and ministry studies at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, has written, co-written, or contributed to eight books about women and domestic violence from a Christian perspective.

She became aware of the need for a response to domestic violence that the evangelical community would hear and respect after she founded Christians for Biblical Equality, an organization rooted in evangelical circles that promotes an interpretation of the Bible supporting the fundamental equality of men and women of all ethnicities and all economic classes. She noticed that many women appeared more interested in the biblical roots of equality for the home than within church roles. In 1992, Kroeger and Denver Seminary professor of counseling James R. Beck held a symposium that led to their publication of Women, Abuse, and the Bible: How Scripture Can Be Used to Hurt or Heal.

Over the course of her involvement with the issue of domestic violence and the church’s response to it, Kroeger felt a growing sense of frustration at the church’s flawed approach to domestic violence counseling. She observed a disturbing degree of silence on the topic among church leaders. When clergy became involved in family counseling on domestic violence, they were more likely to side with the batterer, counsel reconciliation, chide the woman for attempting to leave the relationship, and consider the case closed.

In response, Kroeger has formed partnerships with other Christian experts and advocates in the field. At a meeting of religious leaders interested in domestic violence during the late 1990s, Kroeger met Nancy Nason-Clark, a professor of sociology at University of New Brunswick who researches the relationship between faith and domestic violence.

“More and more, my work began to explore how faith communities are responding to domestic violence,” says Nason-Clark. As she studied domestic violence from an academic perspective, she was constantly asked whether or not the incidence rates were different within the faith community.

“There are very few differences,” says Nason-Clark. Those that exist are not positive. Women of faith, says Nason-Clark, are less likely to leave an abusive relationship, more likely to look first to the church for counseling, and more likely to wait longer to take action than women outside the faith community.

NETWORKING CONNECTIONS with scattered clergy, researchers, and advocates convinced Kroeger and Nason-Clark that their efforts would yield better results if a network could be formed. The result was the creation of PASCH, which describes itself as “a coalition of internationally renowned Christian researchers, scholars, and theologians” who have come together to “increase peace and safety in the Christian home and in the world it serves by addressing and decreasing domestic and sexual abuse in those homes.”

PASCH held its first international conference in Orange County, Calif., in 2005. More than 200 attendees from around the world and from denominations ranging from Mennonite to Episcopal gathered at the “Beyond Abuse” conference for a weekend of resource sharing, networking opportunities, and presentations by advocates, survivors, and experts.

Al Miles, author of Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know and two other books on abuse, was one of the keynote speakers at the first PASCH conference.

According to Miles, until pioneers such as Catherine Clark Kroeger, no one had pointed out that “there is a faith-related connection; there are things we’re doing and not doing that contribute to [domestic abuse].” As a pastor, Miles felt comfortable with PASCH’s theology and language, and he knew their qualifications were sound. He also notes that the group’s evangelical approach helps address the way some conservatives may use distrust of theological liberalism as an excuse to avoid the topic of domestic violence.

“The issue of domestic violence is messy,” says Miles, who is an ordained minister in the Church of God (Anderson, Indiana) and is based in Hawaii. “It’s incredibly messy. It’s saying particularly when people are in my congregation that I as a pastor need to deal with this. We’ve known about it for a long time, even if we didn’t name it. The insidiousness is when you know the people and it’s right here. It’s amazing that we still tend to blame women for men’s behavior.”

Miles says that most pastors, when confronted with a situation of domestic violence, shy away because they lack training in the issue. According to Miles, pastors say things like, “I don’t know what to do; it’s messy; I wish it hadn’t been brought to my attention.” There is also denial. Miles describes the train of thought as “It couldn’t happen here because we’re so spiritual.” Others, he says, deny because their church is “too something”—too rich or too educated or too successful.

PASCH is committed to creating an “international prayer network” of concerned partners dedicated to the elimination of domestic and sexual abuse in Christian homes. PASCH hopes to accomplish this goal through facilitating collaboration among formerly isolated advocates and researchers, linking them to each other and enabling them to build on each other’s work. From this, PASCH hopes to encourage the creation of educational and training programs, as well as a steady flow of new resources from a distinctly evangelical perspective.

Kroeger is excited about the next steps for PASCH. One of the group’s newest ministries is the creation of a “shoe card”—a card small enough to be hidden under the insole of a woman’s shoe. The card is distributed in women’s restrooms, and includes a definition of what constitutes abuse, instructions, and the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

“They’re absolutely flying,” says Kroeger, reporting that the cards disappeared so quickly from one church that organizers wondered whether they were being stolen.

In 2007, Kroeger hopes to host a training institute on Cape Cod to help clergy interact more successfully with social service resources. Both clergy and social service professionals have a long history of regarding each other with distrust. Many social service professionals report that when clergy are involved in a domestic abuse situation, they often make it worse by making the women feel pressured to remain within the relationship. Some members of the clergy are uneasy with social service professionals’ secular approach. Kroger hopes to ease that tension and help both sides gain more productive dialogue.

“A lot of it was about women and empowering women,” says Kroeger. She dreams of a continuum that reaches “from the steeple to the shelter,” and that finally removes the “holy hush” of silence and secrecy that Kroeger says supports and enables abuse.

“We want to pass the good news that the Bible provides a warrant for responsible conduct,” says Kroeger.

Gail Martin is a freelance writer in Charlotte, N.C. She directs The Refuge Project, a privately funded research and education project helping the faith community understand the long-term spiritual repercussions of abuse in order to become more accepting of and welcoming to adult survivors.

Monties Blog and article on abuse

Here is the link in question: LINK

This blogger doesn't tell people to STAY in the relationship if there is abuse. The blogger it seems doesn't seem to understand what emotional abuse is.

Recently one lady told me that "there was no difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse". That is an untrue statement. Emotional abuse is where someone systematically attacks your feelings. Physical abuse is where someone physically attacks you.

There is difference of course, but emotional abuse is hardly just attacking someone's feelings! I have this feeling it was taken out of context! The effects of emotional and physical abuse are just as destructive. The author sadly downplays this. If he spoke to any man, woman or children that is targeted in depth he may change his mind.

You made a committment, when you walk away from that committment you have broken your vows. Its as simple as that. After you made that committment (and often sealed it by having childrent) it is your responsibility to do what you can to make the marriage work. Too many spouses (mostly women) unjustly accuse their husbands of abuse that never occured as a way to justify leaving the marriage. If you don't believe me on this point, look at the number of abuse allegations that turn out to be unfounded. I've seen statistics as high as 50% (based on court findings). However, there are significant number of cases where spouses (men and women) who are abused by their spouse and that is wrong.

What this author doesn't seem to understand is how hard abuse is to prove. That is quickly proven by asking people that work in the system such as police, judges, etc. I have heard to many people state that their lawyers recommended that they go 'no fault' because of the cost, and the chances of getting any verdict against their spouse. I'm not going to say that spouses (even women lol) don't accuse people of abuse, and there wasn't any! I think we all know that happens! It shows ignorance on those blogger's part to insist that MANY spouses use abuse for justification to divorce! Most of the time if abuse is mentioned it doesn't really go anywhere people find!

Again I'm not so sure alot of people realize the impact of this issue on people. Its sad that both men, women and children have to suffer until people decide they can face this issue.