Emotional Abuse and Your Faith

Showing posts with label Paul Hegstrom. Show all posts

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Emotional Abuse in the Local Church

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 11:07 AM
Labels: Domestic Violence and the church, emotional abuse within a marriage, emotional abusive, Paul Hegstrom, verbal abuse, Violence against Women, weaker vessel, Wife abuse

Family.org had an article about Emotional Abuse that I wanted to share!

"In the pews of every church, including yours, are women who are victims of abuse,"1 wrote Brenda Branson and Paula Silva in their book, Pastor's Guide—Dealing with Domestic Violence.

Silva is co-founder and vice president of FOCUS Ministries, Inc., one of the few Christian ministries devoted to helping victims of domestic violence and educating pastors on abuse. For Christians and non-Christians alike, the nature of domestic abuse is psychological.

"Emotional abuse is always a component of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse, but it can also stand alone," she says. "In all cases of abuse, the perpetrator uses intimidation, humiliation, isolation and fear to diminish their victim's sense of self and sanity."

Making your church a safer place
Naturally, Christians in emotionally abusive relationships turn to their churches and pastors for help. Some feel loved and accepted unconditionally; others walk away more deeply wounded.

Dr. Tim Clinton, President of the American Association of Christian Counselors, says the impact of emotional abuse can wreak havoc on one's spiritual life.

"It's tough to believe in the fidelity of God, if all you're experiencing is ongoing abuse in your life," he says.

He challenges churches to take time to address these kinds of issues because "it deeply impacts how these women do intimacy with the Father. If our goal is spiritual vitality—spiritual growth and formation—we need to train people in how to do relationships and intimacy better."

Paul Hegstrom goes a step farther, saying that the church often turns a blind eye when confronted by someone who has been emotionally abused.

"It is a sad state of affairs in the church that when a woman has been abused, it seems that the congregation, her friends, and her clergy shy away from dealing with the situation," he writes in Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them—Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse. "She feels forsaken by those she should be able to lean on the most."2

Forsaken, Hegstrom says, because of an incorrect interpretation of the Scripture.

"Many times in a Church world, submission is held over the heads of women by men who are emotionally manipulative or abusive in order to get their way and maintain power and control."

Do you know someone like this?

Someone like Mark?

He and his wife Janet signed up for a Bible study. Mark instructed Janet not to speak during the Bible study, telling her "women are to keep silent in the churches" (1 Cor. 14:34).

Although Janet had questions, she remained silent in order to "submit" to her husband. Like many abusers, Mark distorted Scripture to manipulate his wife's behavior.

"Ephesians 5:24-28 reminds us that as Christ died for the Church, a man should give his life for his wife,"3 writes Hegstrom.

Caring for victims of emotional abuse
Pastors can help men better understand their biblical role in marriage by providing balanced teaching on Ephesians 5:22-28, offering marriage classes and counseling and modeling a loving relationship with their wives.

Besides helping men understand their role as husbands, Silva says there are ways pastors can show compassion to victims of emotional abuse—and foster a compassionate atmosphere within the church:

Validate her feelings.
Listen to the victim's story.
Provide a safe place for women and children in crisis. Provide wise counsel to victims that will not put her in more danger.
Assess her level of safety, and if she is in danger, take action to help her get to a safe place.
Refer the victim and abuser to a professional Christian counselor who is experienced with domestic violence issues.
Educate yourself, your staff and your congregation on issues of domestic violence.
Invite guest speakers to address the topic.
Include a study on family violence and the prevention of violence in the adult Sunday school curriculum.
Display brochures, newsletters and information about domestic violence where others can easily access them.
Offer support and unconditional love. Connect victims with support groups, prayer partners and provide ongoing emotional and practical support. Prepare to offer support and guidance for years, not days or months, even if the victim is receiving professional counseling.
Confront the abuser in accordance with Matthew 18:15-17. Remove the individual from leadership or fellowship, as appropriate. However, the ultimate goal of confrontation, as emphasized in Galatians 6:1, is repentance and restoration.
Along with loving confrontation, pastors should encourage the abuser to join a treatment program. An organization that can help is Life Skills International, found online at http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/. Founded by Paul Hegstrom, a former abuser, the program addresses abuse from a biblical perspective.

Men, women and children caught in the cycle of emotional abuse need practical, emotional and spiritual support. Shouldn't pastors and churches volunteer for the front lines when it comes to addressing emotional abuse and other forms of domestic violence?

Victims want and need support from their churches. Take steps to make your church a safe place, where victims and their abusers can find grace, love and healing.

Copyright © 2007 Mary J. Yerkes. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Let the wife see that she respects her husband!

1 comments Posted by Hannah at 4:49 PM
Labels: Domestic abuse, domestic violence, Joel and Kathy Davisson, martial abuse, Paul Hegstrom, religious abuse, repentance, sacrifice, submission, Suffering, weaker vessel, Wife abuse, withdrawing

I have been reading the book "Living it and Lovin it" by the http://www.joelandkathy.com/

I had to truly giggle with delight as I read their chapter on RESPECT! It was refreshing to hear!

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

You notice the blue text? I highlighted that because I wanted to draw to a point here! They mentioned this in their book, and I really feel they made a good point! They mentioned that the above passage we hear has 183 words, and the last 10 are addressed to wife's. You ever notice how many books, articles, sermons, threads on boards, etc are address those 10 words? You notice the difference compared to the first 173 words? What is my point, and what am I getting at? Well guess what might be coming next (internal giggle)!

FOUR TIMES the husbands are told to love their wives with agape love! They are told to lie down their lives for her, and LOVE their wives as they love themselves!

We all know there are women out there that have Godly husband's like this, and we also know that you will have wife's that won't respect their husbands.....no matter HOW well he lives by this passage! We aren't going to address that today.

The emphasis SEEMS to be on the husband's in this passage, and there is a last remark for the wife's. What the author's find asounding (as with myself) is the billing those last 10 words get compared to the rest of the 173! I have been told in the past it was due to the fact that its mostly women that buy the books, articles, etc on relationships. There is no true audience like this for men's relationship books towards marriage. I'm sure we could find some, but shall we compare the numbers? Just go look at your local bookstore, or even check the internet! Where are all the books, articles, videos, threads on boards, etc SPEAKING as strongly about this aspect? I mean you read all the time that people just NEED to get right with the LORD, and maybe the divorce rates will go down! If women are reading all those books, articles, etc on relationships TRYING to do those 10 last words.........we should have 100 times more available for the men! They have a HUGE job here according to this passage! Apage love wouldn't place the emphasis on 'respect', because in the majority of the cases they would recieve it! I mean respect is given when? According to the church respect is to be given EVEN when undeserved! Do you see the same pressure about this apage LOVE that is to be there no matter what? What is strange is that SEEMS to be the defination! RIGHT?!

They had a nice comparsion in this chapter on respect! They said what if you employer asked you to go and sweep the walk 4 TIMES in a 183 words dialog always STRESSING this sweeping...then ended the thought with, "and could you also take out the trash!" Which may be more important to you at first? WHICH seems to be the priority? How do you think your employer would react if you just took out the trash? I mean he did SAY that also right?! Do you think he would feel you were listening to the true message? Do you think he would be happy with that result?

The church seems to be TAKING OUT THE TRASH a little to much, and what happened to the sweeping of the sidewalk? Do a search for the sweeping of the sidewalk, and you will find alot of articles STILL within that content talking a little to much about TRASH!

With Ephesians 5:25-33 it amazes me with the messages we get MOST of the time!

BOOKS coming out on the importance to both jobs equally SWEEPING the walk and taking out that trash!

ARTICLES on that TRASH really needing alot of attention...oh and by the way sweep the walk will ya!

AND my personal favorite the doctrinal dissertation on the NEED to take that trash out, and we don't need to talk about the sidewalk!

You have SEEN the amounts of material written on the RESPECTING of the husband! Where are the mountains of literature the other direction? LOL I guess I missed it! I guess some would say that men don't need that study or something. The world has spent so much time on the other end you seem to wonder WHY the divorce rate is so high if that was so perfect! LOL I mean MOST men are going around loving their spouses with ALL this apage love, and we are all in such AWE as to WHY these wifes just can't respect that right? I mean this blog is dedicated those spouses that DON'T do this! Where is the help for these poor lost souls? I mean you have men that belittle, ignore, curse at, and cheat on their spouses...and what are their spouses asked to do? RESPECT them more of all things! NO wonder these men can't get it right, no one is telling them that apage love is NOT dependent on respect! Things are written all the time on HOW men need this respect, and they will LOVE you in return! That isn't what the bible says to do! He is to LOVE her always - not dependent on the respect - and that is what the passage is addressing!

The wife then feels that pressure to offer her husband underserved respect. Most Christian wives cannot disregard their perceived duty in the same manner that their husbands disregard the responsibility to love them with agape love. These wives feel a deep burden to be obedient to God. They often struggle to respect their husbands regardless of their commitment to love. Can the husband's LEARN apage love the other way around? I'm sure they can! Is that what Paul had in mind with this above passage? Respect comes naturally to women that feel this LOVE from their spouse! Since most of the responsibility is placed on the husband WHY is it we stress so much in the other direction? Aren't we doing things a bit backwards?

Joel speaks of this in the book:

I live with Kathy according to the knowledge that I have learned from listening to her heart. I meet her needs because I have allowed her to be direct with me about those that she has. This is what it means to lay my life down for my wife. I listen for her heart. When she expresses a need, she gets my full attention. I focus on her so that she feels the esteem of the premium value which I bestow upon her. I respect Kathy. I honor Kathy. Does she respect me in return? Of course! Why wouldn’t she? Is my greatest need as a man to be respected by Kathy? No!

My greatest need as a man is to become the man that God has called me to be by becoming the husband that my wife needs me to be! My greatest need as a man is to walk in maturity and Christlikeness.

Respect from Kathy is a by-product of my actions and attitudes of love.

WOW! What a great part of the BOOK! He has it! One thing he said in the chapter that truly went against the grain of what you read most of the time IS...

On the other hand, if the stress manifests itself in a bad attitude or action toward her or the children, she tells me about it. I respect her enough to receive the correction. Do I feel “respected” in that moment when she says, “Joel, you are over-reacting about such and so.” No. I am not supposed to feel respected. I am not acting respectably.

Most of the time that is the OPPOSITE of what women are asked to DO! If their man comes off defensive like some they are told - watch your tone, don't be a nag! RESPECT your husband! Why is that? Where is the APAGE love in that response of being defensive to correction that is needed? Why are we asking people in TROUBLE to walk on eggshells? What is SO hard about this concept? Could it be that men have a hard time dealing with pride and ego? I'm sure it is! I mean that is how they are wired most of the time, and lets face it....how society tends to push them to be! We are asked to DIE to ourselves within scripture, and with that process pride and egos would DIE along with it!

Kathy mentioned:

There was a time when I could not offer real respect although I desperately tried to manufacture it. Joel didn’t live in a way that deserved respect! I would try because that was what I was told to do. How could I honor a man who treated me so poorly? When we would get into an argument, Joel would convince me that it was entirely my fault. Sometimes after these fights I would beat myself up emotionally because I had lost my cool and ended up yelling or throwing something at him.

You read all the time of this type of senerio, and I guess I truly never understood it. You have someone being treated poorly, and pouring her heart out to others and she is told basically DEAL WITH IT! You must respect your husband in all, and its NOT dependent on his doing his job! Roll with the punches, and don't take things so personally! Take your burden to God, and as scripture say he will take your burden, and the yoke will be light! In other words, at least to ME - you do your job and lets NOT worry about him doing his okay? The one that was told with 173 words how important it is for him to treat his spouse in such a way doesn't need correction! YOUR attitude does! You aren't respecting him enough if you feel HURT by his behavior! I always wondered if they were telling us you are being to sensitive, and to get a thicker skin! That goes against want scripture states!

I believed that I was called to respect Joel and submit to him in anything except for sin. In retrospect, the concept that I had to put up with mistreatment and yet still offer respect was just flat out wrong. God never wanted me to be treated the way that I was treated. God never
expected me to respect Joel no matter what. Marriage is not “carte blanche” for a man’s selfishness. I was God’s daughter! I was God’s creation! I deserved to be treated in the right way!

Certainly, no one was telling me that. The best that I ever got was, “Just submit to him, love him and respect him. God will bring him around.” That advice cost me years of heartache.

As we know these comments have caused alot of people heartache! GET RIGHT WITH GOD they tell you, and yet to me at times they haven't got the first clue yet themselves!

This couple started after Joel himself had mistreated his wife for years within the marriage. She was told to submit and respect! Joel himself reminded her of his headship! He had an affair, and instead of having any closure he announced that he repented and was forgiven....and to DROP IT! Certain questions, attitudes and hurts show that SHE wasn't doing things right! Paul Hegstrom got ahold of him, and took the scales off his eyes! Joel wasn't a wife beater as Paul Hegstrom was! He did recoginize the beatings of other forms he was giving his wife, and that was far from what God expected of him as a Godly husband!

People of troubled marriages would benefit from their ministry. Couples that aren't would as well, but it does tend to wake up selfish men that tend to break not only themselves...but their family along with it! Joel basically states that he was emotionally maybe 5-8 years old! His reactions were those a child, and his actions were also! He was to busy stating if she would JUST do her job everything would be FINE! What he didn't grasp was if he did his job, and GREW UP God would bestow him with the marriage he never dreamed of! He gets the proper respect from his wife now, and he doesn't do it because SHE is doing her job! He is doing his job that God has asked him to, and the byproduct of that is a wife that couldn't love him MORE! THat he enjoys her honoring and respecting him! That is TRULY a helpmate! He learned to die to himself, and showed this love to his wife. Genesis says that women have desire to serve the husband. HUSBANDS will RULE over them! The way I read it is what is happening today, and that RULING wasn't meant as some command or gift from him! It was due to the fall, and humans would have to WORK to get it right with HIM!

Gen 3:15 And there will be war between you and the woman and between your seed and her seed: by him will your head be crushed and by you his foot will be wounded.
Gen 3:16 To the woman he said, Great will be your pain in childbirth; in sorrow will your children come to birth; still your desire will be for your husband, but he will be your master.

The bible speaks many times of what a good leader is. Demanding respect, submission, commanding headship be recognized is NOT within scripture as leadership qualities. At times you see this pushed a little to much, and when you have ego and pride sprinkled on top to have hurt and heartache! In Peter the scripture states that if you do not treat your wife as the coheir in grace that your prayers will be hindered! The scripture above pushes the agape love that God asks you to show your wife.

Joel and Kathy's ministry will help those that are serious about their walk to be Godly spouses! The men will be told to DIE upon themselves, and allow pride and ego to go with it! They will be told to GROW UP, and be the Man God asks you to be! STOP the manipulation and guilt trips, and allow your wife to be safe opening her heart to you without attacks, belittling and mininizing of her thoughts. We are all to be servants, and they can show you HOW to be a better servant of God! How to find that marriage you both wish to have, and how to get there! It won't be easy, and wifes will have to learn to open their hearts once again! BOTH are going to have jobs to do, but the dynamics of it are very different!

They have had plenty of broken marriages restored, and NOT in way that asks the family to walk on eggshells, shut down feelings, and avoid things that shouldn't be avoided. LOVE and being a true servant instead of concentrating on those 10 ten words! Joel says once he learned to do this he has the marriage he always wanted, and she honors, respects and loves him in return!

Men should be dealing with relationship books, articles, etc MORE than they are! They have one heck of line to tow! When the time comes that we push that portion a bit more, and a bit less unrealistic pressure on the other end to HOLD UP the relationship we may see a HUGE difference! When they stop asking WOMEN to step up and DO the man's job as far as keeping things together at the expense of themselves (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) we might actually SEE some differences in this world! After 50 years + of this PUSH for women to submit - its time to truly show those broken men how to TRULY love....so they can be the man that God wishes them to be! THEN we will make a difference in this world!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Why does he do that? Possible answer?!

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 7:45 AM
Labels: Domestic abuse, domestic violence, Paul Hegstrom, sexual abuse, Wife abuse

Paul Hegstrom

God showed Paul Hegstrom how to "rewire the brain" to bring healing from past hurts. Also talks about healing of emotional scars from childhood and learning to have healthy relationships with others.

From the Show, "Its Supernatural!"

Paul Hegstrom as a successful ministry called, "Life Skills International".

This was his book that you may have heard about.! Angry Men and the Women that loved them! LINK!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Radio Interview with Paul and Judy Hegstrom - Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 9:44 PM
Labels: Paul Hegstrom

Don't forget to click the title to straight to the source of this interview. Family Life Today is a ministry that did this interview.

Find real answers to the anger in your home from Paul Hegstrom's story. Years ago, he physically abused his wife. Now, he has restored his relationship and counsels others in domestic violence situations. His wife joins him to share her side of the story as well.

Our Story (Day 1) - 25 minutes - Real Player

Our Story (Day 2) - 25 minutes Real Player

Breaking the Cycle of Violence (Day 3) - 25 minutes Real Player

Breaking the Cycle of Violence (Day 4) - 25 minutes Real Player

Life Skills Website

Link to book purchase

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Are you an angel? Blame shifting from Christian men to their women

4 comments Posted by Hannah at 9:38 AM
Labels: Paul Hegstrom

The above link is to an article I have run over a couple of times. The man does have some good points in parts of the article, but he clearly doesn't understand the issue. He was responding to a note asking him after 20+ years of marriage and putting up with battering from her husband - can she leave?

What I see is a very desperate person. It seems her sin was that her note to the author was too short and sweet, and never mentioned she was a sinful person also. His responses started with:

Is it ok to divorce an abusive spouse? No! Jesus stated in Matthew 19:7-8 ...

"They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so."

Carefully notice that the woman in the above letter failed to mention even one negative thing about herself. Oh, she must be an angel. It is sinful pride that causes all divorces. Divorce is a sin. America is a feminist nation, and women are twice as likely to file for divorce than men. Look at World Divorce Rates and see how the evils of feminism have destroyed America's families.

You are talking to a very broken person, and start out with "Shame on you for not telling me something negative about YOU also!" The author never addressed the sin of battering the wife, just that she is prideful because never mentioning she is a sinful person also. I guess I would have respected his response - even if I didn't agree with all of it - if he had some just a small portion of compassion towards the person even in a small way. America as a feminist nation has nothing to do directly with the fact that her husband is directly sinning against her by battering her. If the author feels this person is prideful – fine! Where did he address the sin of her husband? Pride doesn’t give others the right to abuse. Whom is more likely to file for divorce according to the stats has nothing to do with addressing the sin. Why he feels he needs to divert the situation doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. One has nothing to do with the other the way he addressed it.

He continues his shame with:

Some husbands are abusive; but 90% of all divorces are needlessly caused by a sinfully proud wife who causes grief for her husband, and he gets mad. A wife who refuses to be submissive causes the marriage to become a two-headed monster. Someone's got to be in charge, or there will be continual conflict. Ideally, a husband and wife should work together on everything; however, in those situations where there is a conflict, the wife is commanded by God to submit to her husband. In fact, Ephesians 5:22 commands a wife to obey her husband as unto Jesus Christ, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." How many wives today obey this Biblical command? It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack to find such a woman today in America.

Again where is he addressing the sin that has happened within their home? This lady didn’t say enough for him to make assumptions as her submissive nature. This poor man is buying into the myth that his abuse is anchored in no submission - or not enough - to the husband. Its almost like, "Do you blame him?" He is almost lending towards justification of his actions.

I don’t understand WHY he doesn’t mention the role of loving the wife also? He just mentions the headship verse. He then goes on to shame almost the entire gender with fault for the woes of divorce. Women make the men mad because they are sinful, and the men have the additional hurt when she files for divorce. No mention of how men could possibly be feeding into this with battering of their wives! I mean that WAS what the lady was asking about here! Evil is what makes people sin – not one gender pushing another into it! Satan is helping people feel justified to hurt others and this author is telling women, “You made him do it!” Women can’t MAKE men strike their wives! Its called choice to do this or not, and its called self control to NOT strike out even if the person did push your buttons! Men despite the actions of others have a responsibility to themselves, their families and to their Lord. I find it strange when people address the roles and responsibilities of women handed down from God, and not address the other genders in the same fashion. Sin is what causes divorces – not women. Satan hands the men the thought of justifying battering his wife, not her ‘lack’ of submission to him.

This type of article is what starts the "holy hush" about domestic abuse. I will be fair and state that this man didn't say to stay and take the abuse. He did mentioned separation, but no divorce. That's fair. A woman’s lack of submission should never be used as an excuse to hurt her physically. The role of the husband as head doesn’t give him that right either. There is no justification for abuse no matter how HORRIBLE you may think she is!

Listen to what Solomon had to say about the rebellious feminists of his own time ... "And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her." What a contrast from the virtuous wife of Proverb 31:28 ... "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her." Which type of woman are you? What does your husband (or X-husband) have to say about you? God knows, and He does care, and you will have to give account for your laziness, carelessness, lies, deceitfulness, maliciousness, words and actions.

Gal 6:1 My friends, if someone is caught in any kind of wrongdoing, those of you who are spiritual should set him right; but you must do it in a gentle way. And keep an eye on yourselves, so that you will not be tempted, too.

This applies within a marriage as well. Is battering your wife correcting her in a gentle way?

Gal 5:22 God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful,
Gal 5:23 gentle, and self-controlled. There is no law against behaving in any of these ways.
Gal 5:24 And because we belong to Christ Jesus, we have killed our selfish feelings and desires.
Gal 5:25 God's Spirit has given us life, and so we should follow the Spirit.

Is it possible the man that batters his wife is not living the above? Are we not asked to do this despite the actions of others? Screaming feminism is at fault isn’t going to fix anything.

Even if the wife is not the Proverbs 31 woman God still asks of others:
(Luk 6:35 ASV) But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend, never despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil.

God will account for the abuses against the wife as well. This author is telling people (either men or women that are abused) that the real cause of the abuse is not sin but, “your laziness, carelessness, lies, deceitfulness, maliciousness, words and actions.” If a true abuser read his article he would be taking feminism, and her not being this Proverbs 31 woman as justification to beat her.

Is this not what Ephesians 4:31-32 teach? ... "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Feminism teaches the exact opposite ... "Get out now honey, while you still can! God never intended for us to live in misery with an abusive spouse. The Bible says a husband is supposed to love his wife. If your husband loved you, he would treat you better. You would be a fool to go back home again--divorce! divorce! divorce!" I know exactly what those monsters say, and how deceitful they are! Please read this article, because it is so true concerning America today.

I wonder if this anti-feminist ever handed an abuser the scripture he is handing the abused? Abuse isn't a gender issue - there are plenty of men out there in the same boat women are. I guess he would blame them for not "taking control of his house and being the headship". Again ignoring the entire dynamics of the relationship. As if, "BE a man!" is going to fix it. Its attitudes like this author has that encourages abused parties to listen to what he calls the enemy – feminists – and not look towards it being evil and sin! OUCH! He doesn't even see it though. That is the sad part. Feminist views didn't start domestic violence in the church. The mindset of the abuser did with the help of Satan! ABUSE is the real issue, and people need to stop covering it with excuses like submission and headship. There is no excuse for abuse even if your wife was a RAGING feminist! We are all expected to show love - even towards our enemies - and yet I don't see that in his article.

I receive quite a few letters from people--who demonize their spouse, seeking to alleviate their own guilt because they CHOSE to divorce. The fact that such people continually seek to find peace from their guilt proves that they've sinned.

I wonder if he has ever had a discussion with his wife or friend about a decision he made that in his soul he knew was right, but there was a bit of hesitation. People fight doubts all the time with decisions they make. Its usually times when we know the decision will hurt and effect a lot of life’s - even if it is just a dot on the radar. We humans have all had this happen. Seeking peace from fellowship from others does not prove you made the wrong decision. That is completely NUTS! He said something about its like when you abort your child, and ask for support afterwards….you actually just trying to justify the action and escape your sin. Okay then. ??? Those statements made no sense at all.

I wonder about these “demonize” letters he speaks about. I mean he is assuming the woman that wrote him a couple of sentences is a raging feminist that caused her husband to strike her, and her lack of living her role is the real issue! Why? LOL because she didn’t mention something BAD she did also!

They are sinfully divorcing their spouse, and have gained the emotional support of several neo-evangelical deadbeat ministries; BUT, now they've found my article exposing the sin of divorce and are upset. They write me in an attempt to convince me why they're doing the right thing. Folks, divorce is never right. What if God quit on us the way so many people quit on their spouse? Hebrews 13:5 promises that God will never leave nor forsake us. This is the standard for us to follow.

Abusing your spouse is quitting on yourself. It shows a clear lack of character, and that person has forsaken his/her family by doing so.

He had received letters from people stating that their church families (who I would assume took a look at the whole picture - not just the feminist view), and encouraged safety and peace in the only way they could find. Separation is fine, but in some areas - remember laws do vary - don’t' always protect the parties while the abuser gets his head on straight. There are all kinds of circumstances that could have lead to this decision. Who knows what they told the party about remarriage...I notice how he didn't bring up that part! I don't see this author standing up and stating what families should do when one spouse (again man or women) is forsaking their families. Only if you give up in anyway - you should be ashamed. Never do I see accountability of both sides in this article. If the church wishes to support the family members left they are now going to own the label: neo-evangelical deadbeat ministries according to him. I don't take issue with this man's stand on divorce. I take issue with his closed-minded views that throw blame out there, and refusal to speak as harshly to the other end of the equation. He is blaming everything under the sun except sin and Satan.

In nearly all divorces, the husband and wife BOTH have their own side of the story as to who's to blame. Usually, they blame each other. God will weigh the matter on judgment day, and the truth will come out. The wife who accuses her husband of "abuse" will be held accountable for all the things she did to provoke her husband, and she will be judged accordingly. It's the same morons who call spanking a child "abuse" who are attacking and labeling husbands as being "abusive." The term "abuse" has been greatly twisted nowadays. Every God-hating feminist in the country is still trying to use the O.J. Simpson case to demonize men. Men who track their wife's time are now considered "abusive." Biblically, a husband has every right to tract his wife's time and whereabouts. God told Eve that Adam would RULE OVER her (Genesis 3:16). This does not justify abuse, it just means that the wife is to submit to her husband's control and authority. Feminists hate the very concept of obeying any man.

The man will be judged accordingly if he was abusing also. Man is not to RULE over her with the attitude he is pushing - that would validate abuse of his wife because he is the RULER! I realize he says that is not what he meant, but he is also trying to justify WHY a man would abuse - there is no justification! LOL not even feminism! Remember the role of the husband: he is to love her like Christ loved the church. I guess I could throw out a crazy thought of if men would follow their roles of loving their wives as God intended Feminism wouldn’t be an issue. There is tracking the spouse's whereabouts, and their is "over kill" of that. LOL there is a difference! There is a difference between dominating her with his will, and asking, "What does your day look like?" Both are NOT acceptable to God!

In conclusion. It is wrong to divorce an abusive spouse (wife or husband). You may need to leave, and be apart for a while; but divorce is no answer. I find that in most cases that when a wife leaves her husband, she involves all sorts of strangers in the marriage, and they are quick to give heathen advice (such as divorce). Very few husbands will compromise with a wife who tries to force him to do things her way. So instead of the wife calling her husband, and giving him a chance to work things out, she instead just files for divorce. This is wickedness. Most women who file for divorce don't give their husband an honest chance to make things right. It's always some lame excuse like, "He's had plenty of chances." That is sinful pride! What if God said that about you? You'd be in Hell. You CANNOT show me even one Scripture in the Word of God that gives anyone permission to divorce because of abuse.

Boy he seems like an angry man. Doesn’t he? There is scripture that speaks of the ways to NOT treat people. There are verses that speak against abusive nature. God didn’t hand man the right or the justification to abuse another.

LOL I guess feminists aren't the only heathen source here! WOW we are making progress! When people abuse they do need to compromise in some areas. Wives and Husbands that are willing to work things out with their spouses SHOULD be able to voice their needs and concerns! Those had been trampled on, and to say people shouldn't be forced to look at that is SCREWY I'm sorry! Respect should be handed towards both parties. Loving actions and concern should be handed both ways. I'm sure the abused party at times feels tromped on when asked to leave, and told there are now issues we have to address and deal with in order to fix - and "I'm sorry" is just a start! The poor author has no idea what an abusive mindset is! Again gender isn't an issue! People have choice to be evil, and other parties didn't FORCE them into that role! Repentance - true repentance - and working on the different layers of sin involved within the relationship - including denial of things on both ends needs to happen. Being told clearly what those issues are – and being told I can’t return to you until I feel safe enough to do so – isn’t unreasonable nor is it demanding of anything ungodly!

Paul Hegstrom was an abuser. In his situation a short period of time, and his wife not demanding her rights as a human would NOT have changed a thing! You can ask him if the problems stemmed from feminism or lack of submission...I bet he would tell you NO! It was his sin and his actions that lead his family to flee from him. It was not selfish, hard hearted people that chose to leave him to his evil so they could survive! He was his abuse that he shoved down their throats because of a deep seeded rage within him. Was there cause? Of course there was cause of his abusive nature - it was NOT his family though! He took 7 years of continued sin and actually got WORSE after he left before he did anything about it. Was it the family’s fault he continued? NO! It was his fault! After he was completely broken he decided he had a choice - keep living his misery or find Christ and have him help him change into the person he wanted him to be. He could have gone either way - but he chooses Christ. There are a lot of stories of reformed abusers, and NOT ONE OF THEM mentioned feminism as the excuse! NOT ONE OF THEM mentioned his wife not being the Proverbs 31 wife, and that was the cause of their abuse. Abuse exists and not because of feminism. It has always existed even before the word had meaning. The bible speaks of abuse of all sorts, and never did it say take on their sin as your fault.

I'm sure this author meant well, but he clearly is shifting too much blame to feminism and not the sin of people. His view is clearly pushing the women's fault it if doesn't work out. I'm sure he would say it was the man's fault as well if the roles were reversed - I will give him that. Its attitudes like this that shoves abuse within families back into their silent worlds of terror. Does this author truly think women in "REAL" trouble would come to someone like him that will yell at them for not stating their wrongs just as much before actually LOOKING at the situation! There is plenty of wrong I am sure on both sides - handing more guilt, shame, etc to the one that is asking for help isn't going to help either party.

This is a great example of the Holy Hush within the church, and how it happens. The shattered silence of the abused parties within the church will only happen once people stop 'stereotyping" people so hard, and actually LOOK at what is happening! Stop the blame game of the victims, and stop handing feminism power with LOONEY validation! Take another look at the verses of the genders. Look at the verses on what love is to look like. Grasp the concept of what abuse is - and stop handing people GREAT excuses for it to continue.

I pray that this poor man has some enlightenment and wisdom handed to him before he hurts families with his views. NO I don't plan on writing him - he won't hear me, nor will he attempt. He will just tell me I'm a feminist. LOL! I have never owned extreme feminist values, but he will tell me I do. I just plan on praying for him and his family and all those that encounter him. In my view they really need that.

Abuse is caused by sin. Nothing else. Blaming gender roles, ideal ways to be lived isn’t going to fix it either. Attack the sin of abuse…..stop the blame and shame.

What is funny is I found this article by the same author addressing abusive husbands. The article is like night and day! Here is the link!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Interview with Paul Hegstrom

3 comments Posted by Hannah at 11:29 AM
Labels: Paul Hegstrom

Link to website to purchase book!

HOPE FOR PASTORS WHO BATTER

The following is an interview with Paul Hegstrom, posted on the web site: www.clergyrecovery.com. It first appeared in STEPS, a publication of the National Association for Christian Recovery.

STEPS: Your work with men who batter did not begin as the result of some kind of academic interest.

PAUL: Definitely not. Let me give you a brief history. My father was a Nazarene pastor. So, I was raised in a Christian family. To most people I looked like a fine Christian. But I battered my wife for years starting from before we were married. I was physically abusive and very emotionally abusive. I hated being like that. But I could not stop. I even became a pastor in the hopes that it would help me stop the abusive behavior.

STEPS: It must have been really difficult to face the fact that becoming more religious wasn't going to fix what needed to be fixed.

PAUL: It was. I honestly felt that I would be unable to abuse my wife if I were a pastor. I thought there would be accountability to the church leadership and so on. But there were many Sundays when I would scream and yell and slap the kids around and push, shove or hit Judy and maybe an hour later I would be in the pulpit.

I can remember preaching many a Sunday morning when I'd have flash-backs and my message would not flow and I'd wonder "what am I doing in front of this congregation when less than an hour ago I was abusing my family in the parsonage?" I was knocking holes in the walls of the parsonage. Judy would lock herself in the bathroom and I'd put my shoulder to the door and break it down.

When I left the ministry after three and a half years the parsonage was in shambles. About this time I left my wife and family. I moved away from everything I knew. We divorced. I really thought that I was lost. And since I was already lost for eternity I might as well “party hearty” while I had time.

So, I got into drugs and alcohol, sexual addiction, and live-in relationships. But the battering continued. I almost killed the woman I was living with. That is actually what forced me to finally get help. To avoid being prosecuted for attempted murder I agreed to enter a program for men who batter.

STEPS: I know there are many more resources available today for batterers than were available when you first got help. What was most helpful to you back then?

PAUL: The main benefit of the program for me was that I was forced to recognize that the problem was about me. I had a problem. It wasn't about my wife, my girlfriend, my parents, the kids, the dog, whatever. It was my problem. So, I started to learn something about me. That was helpful. But it wasn't really getting to the depths I needed and I became extremely frustrated. I also became extremely angry with God during this time. A key turning point for me was one night when I was wrestling with God in prayer. I remember screaming at God in the middle of the night until I had no more tears and no more voice. It was then that I heard God say "Paul, you don't have a teachable spirit." I knew immediately that we had hit pay-dirt! I knew that I did not have a teachable spirit. All of my life I had been an authority to myself. No one could give me any kind of input. So, I started to pray "God teach me to be teachable." That was the beginning of the change for me.

STEPS: What do you see as the roots of family violence?

PAUL: Put simply, violence is about arrested emotional development. If the wounds you experienced in childhood have stopped your emotional development, you have never developed your core or real personality and character. What happens is that you develop a pseudo personality that is not a true identity. This personality consists of the expectations of important people in your life of whom you fear rejection. The pseudo personality becomes very changeable, depending on who you are with and where you are. This is the "double minded man" referred to in the book of James.

The primary symptom of arrested emotional development because of a wounded childhood is the insistence that I am my own authority. There is an intense distaste for any kind of authority. If your wife says “How much money is in the checking account? I need to buy groceries.” this is immediately an authority issue. We fight the authority of the boss, the foreman, the authority of the pastor, of God. One of the difficulties with traditional therapeutic approaches to helping batterers is that the therapist can be an authority figure. Batterers will play the game of therapy to get through but the real hidden agenda may remain 'no one is going to tell me what to do.'

If you have been wounded early in life and your development process has been frozen, you are locked into what I call the ‘age of directives.' This leaves you very dependent and makes it very difficult for you to make decisions. You can make decisions for other people and control their lives, but decisions for your life are made by indecision, circumstances, situations and other people. You have no control of your life so you try to manipulate and control circumstances, situations and other people. This results in a life of chaos.

If you are stuck in the age of directives, the stage where parent's fix everything, then you are always looking for a Mommy to make it right for you because you cannot resolve your own conflicts. You grow chronologically, marry and many times you make a Mommy out of your spouse. When you're in crisis you try to get her to fix it or, in essence, if she'll get help then everything will be okay. This becomes your way of escaping your own responsibilities and blame-shifting the responsibility to her. This never resolves the core problem because this is an individual issue, not a marriage issue.

The key to recovery is to restart the emotional development process that was damaged in childhood. I call that process 'developmental reconstruction.' We don't need to be driven by childhood wounds for a lifetime. We can develop a real personality to replace the pseudo personality that has led to such chaos.

STEPS: You mentioned earlier that you hated being abusive. Why do you think you did things you hated?

PAUL: When you are wounded in early childhood you never reach the age of decision emotionally. Many times you know what you should do, but you are driven by your irrational belief systems and survival methods to maintain control. You end up doing what you hate because you are driven by your wounds and unresolved conflicts.

STEPS: Many people are skeptical about the possibility of recovery for abusive men.

PAUL: If I can do it, anyone can. I was deeply lost in the abusive process and deeply wounded by childhood trauma. It's not an easy thing to recover from. It's hard work. But it is possible. Even though I abused her for many years, after several years of hard work in recovery Judy and I remarried. We have had to work hard on our relationship but we have broken the cycle of abuse in our generation. I still have to work on my recovery, we still work hard in our relationship. And our kids have had a lot of issues to work on because of all the abusiveness in our family. But my grandchildren now live in homes that have been freed from the dynamics of abuse. That to me is exciting! Recovery is possible because God is a magnificent God. God has made a way of escape!

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Paul Hegstom is the founder of Life Skills International (PO Box 31227, Aurora, CO 80041-1227, 303-340-0598) a network of over 90 programs offering support groups and intensive workshops for men who batter. His latest book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them will be released in the near future by Beacon Hill Press.

This interview first appeared in STEPS, a publication of the National Association for Christian Recovery.

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This article is posted on the website for The Clergy Recovery Network www.clergyrecovery.com which exists to support, encourage and provide resources to religious professionals through personal crisis and early recovery. If you are a pastor, missionary, religious professional or a spouse of one and you need help, this site will be helpful to you. The purpose of the web site is to guide clergy and their families towards a saner and more grace-full style of life.

This particular article is one of many which could help clergy and religious professionals and their families. At the end of the article they have a section where you can post a "comment, question, story, or suggestion" about this article or respond to someone else who has done so. To do so, scroll down after you CLICK HERE.

Friday, March 18, 2005

5 Lies the Church Tells Women About Domestic Abuse

2 comments Posted by Hannah at 9:11 PM
Labels: Domestic Violence and the church, emotional abuse, emotional abuse within a marriage, emotional abusive, headship, Paul Hegstrom, submission, Suffering, Violence against Women, weaker vessel

I'm sure others have other attempts to show how the church is NOT dealing with domestic abuse of all kinds. As we know domestic violence is more than just hitting. It includes Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Financial Abuse, and much MUCH more!

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Probe Ministries
5 Lies the Church Tells Women
Sue Bohlin

In this article I look at five lies the church tells women, inspired by the book by J. Lee Grady called Ten Lies the Church Tells Women.{1} I'm not saying all churches say all these things, but there are certain pockets of Christianity where these lies are circulated.

Lie #1: God Created Women as Inferior Beings, Destined to Serve Their Husbands.
The first lie is that God created women as inferior beings, destined to serve their husbands. Those looking for Scripture to back up their beliefs point to Genesis 2:18, where God makes a "helpmate" for Adam. "See?" they say. "Helpers are subordinate to the ones they help, which proves women are here to serve men." This ignores the times in the Psalms (10:14, 27:9, 118:7) where God is praised as our helper, and He is certainly not inferior or subordinate to us!

Lee Grady points out, "It is a cultural bias, not a spiritual or scientific principle, that women were 'made' for the kitchen or laundry room. This is the most common form of male chauvinism, a burden placed on women by selfish men who want someone to wash their dishes."{2}

This view that women are inferior to men is not biblical, but it has infected the church from the beginning.

The Greek culture into which the early church was born viewed women as "half animal," unworthy of education, to be kept quiet and kept locked away, obedient to their husbands. In Jewish culture it was considered inappropriate for a man to even speak to a woman in public--including his own wife. A woman speaking to a man who was not her husband was considered to be giving evidence that she had committed adultery with him, and could be divorced. You can imagine the scandal Jesus caused when he regularly sought the company of women and talked to them, and taught them, just as he did men. Or when he allowed prostitutes to talk to him or pour perfume on his feet.{3}

Eve was not created to be Adam's servant, but his honored and respected wife and co-regent, fashioned to rule over creation with him. We see another picture of God's intention for the first Adam and Eve in our future as the church. The bride of the Second Adam, Christ, is created and is being fashioned to reign with Him forever.{4}

Lee Grady says, "Jesus modeled a revolutionary new paradigm of empowerment by affirming women as co-heirs of God's grace."{5} Paul continued this completely new, respectful view of women by inviting women to share in the ministry of the gospel and the church, and by teaching the equality of husbands and wives in the marriage relationship (although there is a biblical distinction of roles).

When God created woman, He didn't create an inferior being, He created what He delights to call "the glory of man."(1 Cor. 11:7)

Lie #2: A Man Needs to "Cover" a Woman in Her Ministry Activities. The second lie is that a man needs to "cover" a woman in her ministry activities. "In many cases, leaders have innocently twisted various Bible verses to suggest that a woman's public ministry can be valid only if she is properly 'covered' by a male who is present. Often women are told that they cannot even lead women's Bible studies or prayer meetings unless a pastor, deacon or some other man can provide proper oversight."{6}

One woman was told that she could not start a backyard Bible school class in her neighborhood during the summer unless her husband agreed to be present at each session and teach all the Bible lessons. Her church elders said she could plan each day's crafts and make all the snacks, but a man had to conduct the "spiritual" aspects of the outreach since he is the proper "covering."{7}

It is disturbing to think of the implication of this belief. When we, as women, use our spiritual gifts and respond to God's call to minister in various ways without a man present, is our ministry less legitimate and valid than a man doing the same work? What if a woman with the spiritual gift of evangelism senses the Holy Spirit directing her to speak to the cashier at the gas station, and there's no man around? On a personal note, when I am speaking at one of Probe's Mind Games conferences, do my lectures lack legitimacy or truth because the male Probe staff members are busy teaching in other rooms?

Ephesians 5:21 says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Out of respect for our own weaknesses and limitations, I believe that all of us who wish to minister to others should pursue an attitude of humble submission to the body of Christ. We need to submit our beliefs and methods (and content, if we're teaching) to trusted believers who can provide support, direction, and, if needed, correction. And anyone engaged in ministry needs prayer support, which some have called a "prayer covering;" although that is not a biblical term.

But there is no verse that says, "If a woman teaches My word, make sure a man is present so she will be covered properly." Paul's instruction that older women teach the younger women doesn't include making sure that someone with a Y chromosome is present! What underlies this erroneous idea that a man's presence somehow validates any woman's ministry is, intentional or not, a profound disrespect and distrust of women.

Lie #3: Women Can't be Fulfilled or Spiritually Effective Without a Husband or Children.

The third lie is that women can't be fulfilled or spiritually effective without a husband or children. Some churches teach that God's perfect plan for every woman is to be a wife and mother. Period. Sometimes Christian women successful in business or some other professional field are made to feel unwelcome at a church, as if they are an unhealthy influence on "purer" women.

In some places, single women are prevented from leading home fellowship groups because they're single.{8} Others have been discouraged from running for political office or pursuing a graduate education because God's plan was for them to marry and keep house--even when God hadn't brought a groom into the picture!

Lee Grady says, "We must stop placing a heavy yoke on unmarried and divorced women in the church by suggesting that they are not complete without a man in their lives or that a husband somehow legitimizes their ministries."{9}

In some churches, women are routinely taught that the best way for them to serve God is to get married, make their husbands happy, and have children. They think this should be the sole focus of women's lives. And to be honest, when God has given a woman a husband and children, especially young children, focusing her primary energies and gifting on her family truly is the most important way she serves God in that season of her life. Children will not be impressed with how many Bible studies their mother teaches each week. And most husbands will be less than enthusiastic for their wives to go off on several mission trips each year when it means the home is falling apart and everybody's life is in chaos.

But women, even women with families, are given spiritual gifts that God intends for us to use to build up the body of Christ, both inside and outside our families. When we exercise those spiritual gifts and abilities, God delights to honor us with a sense of fulfillment. And usually that involves ministry in the church or in the world, as long as it's secondary to our family priorities.

But not all women are called to marriage and motherhood. It is disrespectful to single Christian women to treat them as second-class women because they don't wear a wedding ring. It's heartbreaking and frustrating when a woman would love to be married, but God hasn't brought her to the man of His choice; it just adds unnecessary sorrow for the church to say, "Sorry, honey, without a man you don't have a place here."

Lie #4: Women Should Never Work Outside the Home.

The fourth lie is that women should never work outside the home. Women who take jobs are shamed and judged, because they can't please God if they do anything outside of being a wife and mother.

This is a hurtful lie to many women who don't have a choice about working or not. There are huge numbers of divorced and widowed women in the church who would much rather stay at home with their families, but they're the only breadwinners. And for many two-parent families, they honestly can't survive on the husband's paycheck alone.

This lie comes from a misreading of Paul's exhortation in Titus 2:4 for women to be "workers at home."

Paul wasn't calling them to quit their day jobs to stay home. Women in that culture had no education and usually no opportunities for employment. He was addressing a character issue about being faithful and industrious, not lazy and self-centered. This letter was written to the pastor of a church on Crete, a society known for the laziness and self-indulgence of its people.{10}

Before the 1800's and the Industrial Revolution, both men and women worked at home, and they worked hard. Whether farming, fishing, animal husbandry, or whatever trade they engaged in, they did it from home. The care and nurture of children was woven into the day's work and extended families helped care for each other. There was no such thing, except among the very wealthy, as a woman who didn't work.

This lie completely ignores the Proverbs 31 woman, who not only took excellent care of her family, but also had several home-based businesses that required her to leave her home to engage in these businesses. I personally appreciate this biblical pattern because I had a home-based business and a ministry the entire time my children were growing, both of which took me out of the home sometimes. I was able to grow my gifts as my kids were growing, and now that they're both adults, I am able to use those gifts and abilities more fully with my new freedom to leave home.

On the other hand, an equally distressing expectation common to younger people in today's churches is that women should always work, regardless of whether they have children or not. Our culture has so downgraded the importance of focused parenting that many people consider it wasteful for a woman to be "only" a homemaker. It's sexist to say that a woman's only valid contribution to the world or the church is to be a homemaker, but both extremes are wrong and harmful.

Lie #5: Women Must Obediently Submit to Their Husbands in All Situations.

The last lie says that women must obediently submit to their husbands in all situations. This lie really grieves me deeply, because it is probably responsible for more pain and abuse than any other lie we've looked at in this article.

In Ephesians 5:22, wives are commanded to submit to our husbands. For some people, this has been twisted to mean the husband is the boss and the wife's job is to obey his every whim. That is a relationship of power, not self-sacrificing love, as this marriage passage actually teaches. The wife is called to serve her husband through submission, and the husband is called to serve his wife through sacrificial love.

We have no idea how many women have been physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually abused by their husbands wielding the submission verses as a weapon. When they finally tell their pastor about their husband's rage-outs and physical assaults, they are often not believed, and sometimes they are told that if they would learn to submit the violence would stop. Then they are counseled that it would be a sin to separate and hold the husband accountable for what is a crime! Some abused women, who feared for their lives, have actually been told, "Don't worry. Even if you died you would go to be with the Lord. So you win either way. Just keep praying for him. But you are not allowed to leave."{11}

A comprehensive study on domestic violence in the church in the mid 80's revealed that 26 percent of the pastors counseled an abused wife to keep submitting and trust that God would either stop the abuse or give her the strength to endure it. About a fourth of the pastors believed that abuse is the wife's fault because of her lack of submission! And a majority of the pastors said it is better for wives to endure violence against them than to seek a separation that might end in divorce.{12} I respectfully suggest that separation with the goal of reconciliation is often the only way to motivate an abusive husband to get help.{13} Just as we cast a broken limb to enable it to heal, separation is like putting a cast on a broken relationship as the first step to enable change and healing.

All the lies we've looked at in this article are the result of twisting God's word out of a misunderstanding of God's intent for His people. The way to combat the lies is to know the truth--because that's what sets us free.

Notes

Lee Grady, 10 Lies the Church Tells Women (Lake Mary, FL: Creation House, 2000). I do not subscribe to everything in this book, particularly the author's belief that there are no restrictions to women in the church. I do not agree that the office of pastor and elder are open to women, though I believe God has given many women, including me, the spiritual gift of pastor-teacher.
Grady, 23.
George Byron Koch, "Shall a Woman Keep Silent? Part 1." http://www.resurrection.org/shall_a_woman____part_1.htm.
Rev. 22:5, 2 Tim. 2:12.
Grady, 21.
Grady, 89-90.
Grady, 90.
Grady, 140.
Grady, 143.
"Even one of their own prophets has said, 'Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons.'" (Titus 1:2)
Grady, 172.
Grady, 174.
I especially recommend Dr. Paul Hegstrom of Life Skills Learning Centers. He is a recovered abusive husband and pastor who wrote an excellent book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse (Beacon Hill Press, 1999). His Web site is www.lifeskillsintl.org/.
© 2001 Probe Ministries International

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A link to Paul Hegstrom's book is located in our sidebar of the blog that links to Amazon books. It is a book you will hear about quite often, and as of this update we do have more material on him to date!

Churches can help or hinder the bonds of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence overall. Please note take of this list if you seek help for your relationship. These myths that they are speaking about in this article won't do the abuser or the victim any good at all.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Recommended Reading For Emotional Abuse

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Emotional Abuse in the Local Church

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Let the wife see that she respects her husband!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Why does he do that? Possible answer?!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Radio Interview with Paul and Judy Hegstrom - Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Are you an angel? Blame shifting from Christian men to their women

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Interview with Paul Hegstrom

Friday, March 18, 2005

5 Lies the Church Tells Women About Domestic Abuse

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