Saturday, November 11, 2006

Are you an angel? Blame shifting from Christian men to their women

Posted by Hannah at 9:38 AM

The above link is to an article I have run over a couple of times. The man does have some good points in parts of the article, but he clearly doesn't understand the issue. He was responding to a note asking him after 20+ years of marriage and putting up with battering from her husband - can she leave?

What I see is a very desperate person. It seems her sin was that her note to the author was too short and sweet, and never mentioned she was a sinful person also. His responses started with:


Is it ok to divorce an abusive spouse? No! Jesus stated in Matthew 19:7-8 ...

"They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so."

Carefully notice that the woman in the above letter failed to mention even one negative thing about herself. Oh, she must be an angel. It is sinful pride that causes all divorces. Divorce is a sin. America is a feminist nation, and women are twice as likely to file for divorce than men. Look at World Divorce Rates and see how the evils of feminism have destroyed America's families.


You are talking to a very broken person, and start out with "Shame on you for not telling me something negative about YOU also!" The author never addressed the sin of battering the wife, just that she is prideful because never mentioning she is a sinful person also. I guess I would have respected his response - even if I didn't agree with all of it - if he had some just a small portion of compassion towards the person even in a small way. America as a feminist nation has nothing to do directly with the fact that her husband is directly sinning against her by battering her. If the author feels this person is prideful – fine! Where did he address the sin of her husband? Pride doesn’t give others the right to abuse. Whom is more likely to file for divorce according to the stats has nothing to do with addressing the sin. Why he feels he needs to divert the situation doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. One has nothing to do with the other the way he addressed it.

He continues his shame with:

Some husbands are abusive; but 90% of all divorces are needlessly caused by a sinfully proud wife who causes grief for her husband, and he gets mad. A wife who refuses to be submissive causes the marriage to become a two-headed monster. Someone's got to be in charge, or there will be continual conflict. Ideally, a husband and wife should work together on everything; however, in those situations where there is a conflict, the wife is commanded by God to submit to her husband. In fact, Ephesians 5:22 commands a wife to obey her husband as unto Jesus Christ, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." How many wives today obey this Biblical command? It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack to find such a woman today in America.

Again where is he addressing the sin that has happened within their home? This lady didn’t say enough for him to make assumptions as her submissive nature. This poor man is buying into the myth that his abuse is anchored in no submission - or not enough - to the husband. Its almost like, "Do you blame him?" He is almost lending towards justification of his actions.

I don’t understand WHY he doesn’t mention the role of loving the wife also? He just mentions the headship verse. He then goes on to shame almost the entire gender with fault for the woes of divorce. Women make the men mad because they are sinful, and the men have the additional hurt when she files for divorce. No mention of how men could possibly be feeding into this with battering of their wives! I mean that WAS what the lady was asking about here! Evil is what makes people sin – not one gender pushing another into it! Satan is helping people feel justified to hurt others and this author is telling women, “You made him do it!” Women can’t MAKE men strike their wives! Its called choice to do this or not, and its called self control to NOT strike out even if the person did push your buttons! Men despite the actions of others have a responsibility to themselves, their families and to their Lord. I find it strange when people address the roles and responsibilities of women handed down from God, and not address the other genders in the same fashion. Sin is what causes divorces – not women. Satan hands the men the thought of justifying battering his wife, not her ‘lack’ of submission to him.

This type of article is what starts the "holy hush" about domestic abuse. I will be fair and state that this man didn't say to stay and take the abuse. He did mentioned separation, but no divorce. That's fair. A woman’s lack of submission should never be used as an excuse to hurt her physically. The role of the husband as head doesn’t give him that right either. There is no justification for abuse no matter how HORRIBLE you may think she is!


Listen to what Solomon had to say about the rebellious feminists of his own time ... "And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her." What a contrast from the virtuous wife of Proverb 31:28 ... "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her." Which type of woman are you? What does your husband (or X-husband) have to say about you? God knows, and He does care, and you will have to give account for your laziness, carelessness, lies, deceitfulness, maliciousness, words and actions.


Gal 6:1 My friends, if someone is caught in any kind of wrongdoing, those of you who are spiritual should set him right; but you must do it in a gentle way. And keep an eye on yourselves, so that you will not be tempted, too.

This applies within a marriage as well. Is battering your wife correcting her in a gentle way?

Gal 5:22 God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful,
Gal 5:23 gentle, and self-controlled. There is no law against behaving in any of these ways.
Gal 5:24 And because we belong to Christ Jesus, we have killed our selfish feelings and desires.
Gal 5:25 God's Spirit has given us life, and so we should follow the Spirit.

Is it possible the man that batters his wife is not living the above? Are we not asked to do this despite the actions of others? Screaming feminism is at fault isn’t going to fix anything.

Even if the wife is not the Proverbs 31 woman God still asks of others:
(Luk 6:35 ASV) But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend, never despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil.

God will account for the abuses against the wife as well. This author is telling people (either men or women that are abused) that the real cause of the abuse is not sin but, “your laziness, carelessness, lies, deceitfulness, maliciousness, words and actions.” If a true abuser read his article he would be taking feminism, and her not being this Proverbs 31 woman as justification to beat her.


Is this not what Ephesians 4:31-32 teach? ... "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Feminism teaches the exact opposite ... "Get out now honey, while you still can! God never intended for us to live in misery with an abusive spouse. The Bible says a husband is supposed to love his wife. If your husband loved you, he would treat you better. You would be a fool to go back home again--divorce! divorce! divorce!" I know exactly what those monsters say, and how deceitful they are! Please read this article, because it is so true concerning America today.


I wonder if this anti-feminist ever handed an abuser the scripture he is handing the abused? Abuse isn't a gender issue - there are plenty of men out there in the same boat women are. I guess he would blame them for not "taking control of his house and being the headship". Again ignoring the entire dynamics of the relationship. As if, "BE a man!" is going to fix it. Its attitudes like this author has that encourages abused parties to listen to what he calls the enemy – feminists – and not look towards it being evil and sin! OUCH! He doesn't even see it though. That is the sad part. Feminist views didn't start domestic violence in the church. The mindset of the abuser did with the help of Satan! ABUSE is the real issue, and people need to stop covering it with excuses like submission and headship. There is no excuse for abuse even if your wife was a RAGING feminist! We are all expected to show love - even towards our enemies - and yet I don't see that in his article.

I receive quite a few letters from people--who demonize their spouse, seeking to alleviate their own guilt because they CHOSE to divorce. The fact that such people continually seek to find peace from their guilt proves that they've sinned.


I wonder if he has ever had a discussion with his wife or friend about a decision he made that in his soul he knew was right, but there was a bit of hesitation. People fight doubts all the time with decisions they make. Its usually times when we know the decision will hurt and effect a lot of life’s - even if it is just a dot on the radar. We humans have all had this happen. Seeking peace from fellowship from others does not prove you made the wrong decision. That is completely NUTS! He said something about its like when you abort your child, and ask for support afterwards….you actually just trying to justify the action and escape your sin. Okay then. ??? Those statements made no sense at all.

I wonder about these “demonize” letters he speaks about. I mean he is assuming the woman that wrote him a couple of sentences is a raging feminist that caused her husband to strike her, and her lack of living her role is the real issue! Why? LOL because she didn’t mention something BAD she did also!

They are sinfully divorcing their spouse, and have gained the emotional support of several neo-evangelical deadbeat ministries; BUT, now they've found my article exposing the sin of divorce and are upset. They write me in an attempt to convince me why they're doing the right thing. Folks, divorce is never right. What if God quit on us the way so many people quit on their spouse? Hebrews 13:5 promises that God will never leave nor forsake us. This is the standard for us to follow.


Abusing your spouse is quitting on yourself. It shows a clear lack of character, and that person has forsaken his/her family by doing so.

He had received letters from people stating that their church families (who I would assume took a look at the whole picture - not just the feminist view), and encouraged safety and peace in the only way they could find. Separation is fine, but in some areas - remember laws do vary - don’t' always protect the parties while the abuser gets his head on straight. There are all kinds of circumstances that could have lead to this decision. Who knows what they told the party about remarriage...I notice how he didn't bring up that part! I don't see this author standing up and stating what families should do when one spouse (again man or women) is forsaking their families. Only if you give up in anyway - you should be ashamed. Never do I see accountability of both sides in this article. If the church wishes to support the family members left they are now going to own the label: neo-evangelical deadbeat ministries according to him. I don't take issue with this man's stand on divorce. I take issue with his closed-minded views that throw blame out there, and refusal to speak as harshly to the other end of the equation. He is blaming everything under the sun except sin and Satan.

In nearly all divorces, the husband and wife BOTH have their own side of the story as to who's to blame. Usually, they blame each other. God will weigh the matter on judgment day, and the truth will come out. The wife who accuses her husband of "abuse" will be held accountable for all the things she did to provoke her husband, and she will be judged accordingly. It's the same morons who call spanking a child "abuse" who are attacking and labeling husbands as being "abusive." The term "abuse" has been greatly twisted nowadays. Every God-hating feminist in the country is still trying to use the O.J. Simpson case to demonize men. Men who track their wife's time are now considered "abusive." Biblically, a husband has every right to tract his wife's time and whereabouts. God told Eve that Adam would RULE OVER her (Genesis 3:16). This does not justify abuse, it just means that the wife is to submit to her husband's control and authority. Feminists hate the very concept of obeying any man.


The man will be judged accordingly if he was abusing also. Man is not to RULE over her with the attitude he is pushing - that would validate abuse of his wife because he is the RULER! I realize he says that is not what he meant, but he is also trying to justify WHY a man would abuse - there is no justification! LOL not even feminism! Remember the role of the husband: he is to love her like Christ loved the church. I guess I could throw out a crazy thought of if men would follow their roles of loving their wives as God intended Feminism wouldn’t be an issue. There is tracking the spouse's whereabouts, and their is "over kill" of that. LOL there is a difference! There is a difference between dominating her with his will, and asking, "What does your day look like?" Both are NOT acceptable to God!

In conclusion. It is wrong to divorce an abusive spouse (wife or husband). You may need to leave, and be apart for a while; but divorce is no answer. I find that in most cases that when a wife leaves her husband, she involves all sorts of strangers in the marriage, and they are quick to give heathen advice (such as divorce). Very few husbands will compromise with a wife who tries to force him to do things her way. So instead of the wife calling her husband, and giving him a chance to work things out, she instead just files for divorce. This is wickedness. Most women who file for divorce don't give their husband an honest chance to make things right. It's always some lame excuse like, "He's had plenty of chances." That is sinful pride! What if God said that about you? You'd be in Hell. You CANNOT show me even one Scripture in the Word of God that gives anyone permission to divorce because of abuse.


Boy he seems like an angry man. Doesn’t he? There is scripture that speaks of the ways to NOT treat people. There are verses that speak against abusive nature. God didn’t hand man the right or the justification to abuse another.

LOL I guess feminists aren't the only heathen source here! WOW we are making progress! When people abuse they do need to compromise in some areas. Wives and Husbands that are willing to work things out with their spouses SHOULD be able to voice their needs and concerns! Those had been trampled on, and to say people shouldn't be forced to look at that is SCREWY I'm sorry! Respect should be handed towards both parties. Loving actions and concern should be handed both ways. I'm sure the abused party at times feels tromped on when asked to leave, and told there are now issues we have to address and deal with in order to fix - and "I'm sorry" is just a start! The poor author has no idea what an abusive mindset is! Again gender isn't an issue! People have choice to be evil, and other parties didn't FORCE them into that role! Repentance - true repentance - and working on the different layers of sin involved within the relationship - including denial of things on both ends needs to happen. Being told clearly what those issues are – and being told I can’t return to you until I feel safe enough to do so – isn’t unreasonable nor is it demanding of anything ungodly!

Paul Hegstrom was an abuser. In his situation a short period of time, and his wife not demanding her rights as a human would NOT have changed a thing! You can ask him if the problems stemmed from feminism or lack of submission...I bet he would tell you NO! It was his sin and his actions that lead his family to flee from him. It was not selfish, hard hearted people that chose to leave him to his evil so they could survive! He was his abuse that he shoved down their throats because of a deep seeded rage within him. Was there cause? Of course there was cause of his abusive nature - it was NOT his family though! He took 7 years of continued sin and actually got WORSE after he left before he did anything about it. Was it the family’s fault he continued? NO! It was his fault! After he was completely broken he decided he had a choice - keep living his misery or find Christ and have him help him change into the person he wanted him to be. He could have gone either way - but he chooses Christ. There are a lot of stories of reformed abusers, and NOT ONE OF THEM mentioned feminism as the excuse! NOT ONE OF THEM mentioned his wife not being the Proverbs 31 wife, and that was the cause of their abuse. Abuse exists and not because of feminism. It has always existed even before the word had meaning. The bible speaks of abuse of all sorts, and never did it say take on their sin as your fault.

I'm sure this author meant well, but he clearly is shifting too much blame to feminism and not the sin of people. His view is clearly pushing the women's fault it if doesn't work out. I'm sure he would say it was the man's fault as well if the roles were reversed - I will give him that. Its attitudes like this that shoves abuse within families back into their silent worlds of terror. Does this author truly think women in "REAL" trouble would come to someone like him that will yell at them for not stating their wrongs just as much before actually LOOKING at the situation! There is plenty of wrong I am sure on both sides - handing more guilt, shame, etc to the one that is asking for help isn't going to help either party.

This is a great example of the Holy Hush within the church, and how it happens. The shattered silence of the abused parties within the church will only happen once people stop 'stereotyping" people so hard, and actually LOOK at what is happening! Stop the blame game of the victims, and stop handing feminism power with LOONEY validation! Take another look at the verses of the genders. Look at the verses on what love is to look like. Grasp the concept of what abuse is - and stop handing people GREAT excuses for it to continue.

I pray that this poor man has some enlightenment and wisdom handed to him before he hurts families with his views. NO I don't plan on writing him - he won't hear me, nor will he attempt. He will just tell me I'm a feminist. LOL! I have never owned extreme feminist values, but he will tell me I do. I just plan on praying for him and his family and all those that encounter him. In my view they really need that.

Abuse is caused by sin. Nothing else. Blaming gender roles, ideal ways to be lived isn’t going to fix it either. Attack the sin of abuse…..stop the blame and shame.

What is funny is I found this article by the same author addressing abusive husbands. The article is like night and day! Here is the link!


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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

hmmm... I am a wife walking away from a man who thinks exactly like this. I wonder if the man who is blame shifting is from the Way, International ministry. It seems this is what they teach their men. I know I am married to someone from the Way and it has been the most brainwashing abusive time for me. Thanks for the article... it confirms my situation.

h on 7:56 AM said...

I'm posting a comment that was placed on my response box at the bottom of the screen. I think it is worth noting.

Comment = This is for the man who asked"are you an angel"
I am a saved Christian and a woman and I think you are not led by the
Holy Spirit on this- you pull up old testament, non- Jesus talking
theology on how to treat a woman-I agree that I should submit to my husband,
but an abusive one should be exposed and brought to the courts or head
of church-what did Jesus say about how to treat a woman?? where is
Jesus in your theology?- that supercedes ANY old testament- you should know
that! You are OUTDATED teaching and I don't agree in anyway- you are
hurting others without emphasizing the "New" Jesus view-I agree that
divorce is horrible, but to tolerate abuse and blame women for 90% of
divorce is hideous. Shame on you for suppressing and spiritually hurting
women in abusive marriages-how about some scripture and remedy for the
jerks they married since you are a man- Your commentws convict me of anger
for the self-righteous attitude you possess-how do you love your wife
as the "church" with your whole heart? would she say you love her as
yourself? Just the tone of your article is conceted and defensive of
unrighteous men- I am not a feminist and never will be- but I am not a
fool! its a control thing and the reason women don't trust their men- I
trust God first and his instruction on my marriage-God gives me all that
my husband does not- you are teaching falsely, unlike Christ would have,
and you will be judged unless you restudy under proper authority in
CHRIST JESUS, not old test, and repent for blaming women for all marriage
ills. The new covenant covers all the old testament ways and I applaud
and follow Jesus- he was respectful and kind to women. You speak as if
we are still property to be spoken to only. I am so mad after reading
this from you-Shame on you!!! Your poor wife! I hope that God shows you
the right heart and attitude on this- does he want abuse-No! Do I
believe that staying with an abusive person is God;s will- No- maybe not
divorce- but never to stay with- you do not speak with authority on this.
Go back to school or to the Lord- stop acting like an expert- God will
humble you one way or another if you are committed to the Lord- if you
are being blessed, then by whom? Satan loves the deceived and
outdated? If not, then you are under judgement and correction as I have been
before. I don't guess it is Jesus himself. Amy

Anonymous said...

That man who wrote that article sure does have some inappropriate ways of expressing anger. Did you notice some of the name calling he did? One word he used was "idiots". Woah!

h on 4:37 PM said...

He revised his article some, and I posted it again. He still doesn't make much sense, and YES I agree with some some of statements show alot of angry and alot of things that aren't unjustified in any form or fashion!

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