Crazy Love and Domestic violence

Leslie Morgan Steiner has a video about, “Crazy Love”.  I enjoyed it because she approached the subject of domestic violence in a some what different manner than most.  Keep in mind the video is only 15 minutes long, and she can’t touch on everything.  You can see by the comments on the TED website that some found her short approach refreshing, and others felt she left to much out.

 

I wanted to take parts of what she said, and maybe glance at why some just don’t see (victims and non victims) the ‘crazy love’ as she put for what it is.  Victims no matter whom they are – male, female, child – should be able to identify with parts or all of it.

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times. The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.

Let’s stop to think about the words, ‘crazy love’ just for a moment.  I realize that isn’t a biblical term, but it is a good definition of the type of love you see in relationships with domestic violence.  You have abusers that tell their victims they are the worse type of person, and that is why they abuse.  Then you have the victim that feels the need to fix, and views the abuser as a soul mate type of individual. 

 

Keep in mind I don’t wish to place those descriptions into a box, and that I’m generalizing here!  Abusers have all kinds of reasons as to WHY they do what they do.  Victims may not feel the ‘soul mate’ part, but do feel love for them.

 

The problem I see is most don’t recognize the word ‘crazy’ in front of the word love, and the reason it was placed there.  Its not just the victims or abusers that don’t clue into the concept, but also general society as well.  All we have to do is look at how to many in society – within the church or out – respond to domestic violence.

 

Let glance at how this ‘crazy love’ begins:

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me. We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.

What abusers tend to do is make this person feel very special, and I never thought about the part of creating them to be the ‘dominant’ partner in the relationship.  Keep in mind it isn’t the type of dominant we normally hear about.  Remember the word “CRAZY” here! 

 

What is the crazy part?  Remember in her story he idolized all that she was and did.  Abusive personalities then concentrate on breaking down the ‘dominant’ traits they felt so lovely before.  I guess they feel that is what makes them dominant, and yet all that they loved about that person to begin with is gone.  They end up frustrated, and the victim completely destroyed.  No one wins, and everyone loses.

 

Its all part of the dance.  We can all look back at abusive relationships, and recognize the idolizing part afterwards.  It’s not so easy to see at the time, because the early stages of falling in love tends to be described as:   sweep them off their feet.  In healthy relationships the ‘adoring’ part stays, but you aren’t so easily sweep up in the moment anymore.  You move on to the next stage of working on the whole of your relationship, and you grow to love the person more and more in different ways.  It’s different, but still awesome.  Your firm foundation is present, and now its time to build up and out from there.

 

Before I go on lets picture a group of small children, and one of the children just received a new toy that they love.  Their whole world at that point revolves around this new possession that is all theirs!   This type of thinking is normal for a young child, and at times they can get very possessive of it.   They don’t want to share it, and no one can touch or play with it.  They might do something to it, or break it, or change it in a way that they don’t like!  Along comes their friend to see what all the excitement is about, and they aggressively pushed away.  “It’s MINE!” you hear screamed.  We have all seen this scene played out at one time or another.  Then you have caregiver or parent come and attempt to teach the child the what's, whys, and how's of sharing, and learning to be better friend.

 

In abusive relationships you see similar dynamics.  What may seem like early stages of being swept off you feet now turns into a reality of YOU being their possession.  Think of a young child with a favorite NEW toy in which they refuse to share with others.  The difference is you no longer have a caregiver or parent to enforce how their behavior and attitude is wrong.  After all, they are an adult at this point. 

 

In healthy relationships you can point this out, but in abusive relationships such statements are returned with violence.   It’s similar to the dynamic of the young child being told by another child that they need to share their new toy, and they refuse to.  You don’t have someone helping them realize this is a immature trait that leads to selfishness.  You are ‘theirs’ and they will do what they will with you.  A young child can be taught, but abusive person will remind you they will do what they want, when they want, and how they want.  If you don’t like it?  Tough!

 

Most people will attempt to ‘reason’ with such a circumstance, and sadly that is when the abuse escalates to very scary levels.  Since you are no more than a possession to them they do not realize the irrational nature of their behavior.  What they do realize once they have calmed down there is the distance between them and their victim.  Their response to that distance isn’t rational either. 

 

They will then use your ‘dominant’ position within the relationship against you, and then manipulative the past to make them look like the ‘true’ victim.  They need your help since they were the abused child of the stepfather, and they FOUGHT all their life to get where they are now.  YOU are their partner, and if you love them enough you will help them evolve.  You will help them to get your level of ‘dominance’.   Yes, it’s a crazy type of dominance as well.  It’s a brand new definition that Webster’s dictionary hasn’t even considered yet.

 

They will pick one trait at a time (most of the time anyway) that they ‘loved’ in the past, and demand that it be altered or stopped all together.  This trait is the cause of all the tension within the relationship.  They will point out that you look ‘stuck up’ or ‘better than everyone else’ when this trait is present.  That mysteriously turns into how the world sees it the same way they do, but they were brave enough to finally point it out to you.  How you were lucky that they were gracious enough to live with it up until this point, and they had every right to finally SNAP!  YOU are just to uppity to admit it.

 

This is also the time they start to use all those secrets that were revealed in that ‘magically atmosphere’ of trust in the beginning of the relationship.  After all, they were not the only ones that were sharing during that time of excitement.  Those secrets between the two of you at one time were received with empathy, compassion, and love.  It now is being used against you, and to make you feel badly about yourself.

 

I will use an example in this case.  As I have written about myself in the past I wasn’t given much guidance in certain areas growing up.  Lets pretend for now it was in the area of cleaning up the house.  Now in the beginning of the relationship I might have shared that I felt inadequate because I didn’t know how to do something in regards to cleaning the house.   How I try my hardest now – because under the surface it makes me feel better. 

 

In response your new partner makes you feel so much better about this aspect of your past, and they will love you EVEN if it were true – which of course they believe its not.  They see you as one of the tidiest people they know in so many areas, and they will be there to remind you about those – and always make you feel better.  I know silly example, but lets use to get view the principal here!  The basic point is everyone has tender spots, and insecurities in some areas. 

 

In a healthy relationship you realize the lines in the sand with your spouse or partner that you do not cross.  You don’t cross them, and you realize your spouse wouldn’t either.  I’m not saying in times of tension humans aren’t tempted to, because we are all capable of this.  If we value the relationship on any level?  We realize the trust that would be destroyed on some level if we crossed that line during the uproar.  It’s basic respect of any relationship.  That’s not to say you might not say something else hurtful or stupid, but you also know where the lines are drawn.

 

The abusive person sees no line in the sand, except when it comes to them.  You are the child’s toy in our story above, and as their possession there is no need for boundaries.   So there is nothing wrong with reminding you that since you grew up NOT knowing how to clean a house that lets just face facts here – you a slob when it comes to 98% of things you do in life!  It’s the truth, and they shouldn’t have to hide it!  Notice they don’t just use the ‘house’ only, but makes sure to include that 98%.  It will be useful for them in the future.  Why?  You were defined as a slob, and they will use it in most areas of disagreement the future as well.  Your secrets are now turned into ammunition.

 

At the same time?  As we see with most con men in life they also have learned the art of manipulation.  The whole entire conversation will again turn to them, and their woes in life.  Some abusive personalities will turn on the water works (tears) at this point, but others use different tactics.  Remember con men have a way of turning their ugly actions around, and make it about the injustices towards them. 

 

That aspect isn’t all that uncommon, and YES there are different ways of doing it.  For example, when Jack Schaap was arrested and jailed within the last year for fooling around with a child.  The parties that he had wrapped around his little finger were the first to say he was one of the most Godly men they knew, and how everyone makes mistakes. 

 

We have one small grain of truth there (everyone makes mistakes), but the overall principal of the sin is completely lost on them.  No doubt it took time and effort for Jack Schaap (or certain circles of the IFB in general) to mold these people to think this way.  Abusive partners do the same thing in some ways.  They have a way of warping reality, and their campaigns of minimizing the abuse is very successful.

 

I think in some ways people in church or in general society have a hard time realizing just about anyone can get taught up in something very ugly and dangerous.  It’s easier to think of others as either totally naïve or stupid then to realize its happened in history to many times to count.  It’s easier to think you are immune, and can’t be manipulated.  In reality its just the opposite.

 

I guess it was interesting to me Leslie’s prospective on being made the dominate person in the relationship.  In reality, she was only speaking of qualities or characteristics of her that were thought to be positive.  Gifts, if you will.  Instead of appreciating those gifts, and realizing its an asset to the relationship?  They are turned into threats of the abuser’s need for dominance and control.  Yes, indeed doing your best to destroy what you claimed you love is a crazy love for sure.  It certainly isn’t the type that Jesus would have us portray towards others.

Christian Manhood Illustrated

I came across an article called, The Truth about Men.  The author seems to feel that Christian Manhood can be Illustrated with this list of behaviors from women.
It’s articles like this that make me feel angry for the way some portray men.   It seems to follow the opinion that being a man of God depends on Women to make them so.  Everything women do, say, believe, act, etc. is responsible for how men become men.  For some reason men – they seem to hint – they are unable to handle the journey themselves with God’s help. God can’t transform them, but it is dependent on women to treat them just so.  This belief system is so childish.  GROW UP ALREADY!

A man NEEDS to be the man God has created him to be. Since the beginning of time, God has instructed man to tend, guard and care for all that was on the earth. It is only natural that he will have that very same desire to do the same for the woman he loves, so please let him. Scripture tells us that after God formed man, He fashioned woman and presented her to him as one of God's most precious gifts. Allow him to see you as the gift you were fashioned to be.

Being a man of God is dependent on the man, and their efforts toward being what God wishes them to be.  He can SEE the gift if he views women through the lenses God asks him to.  Its that simple!  The bible is very clear how we are to treat others EVEN if we don’t care for them.  Its not dependent on them at all.  We would never get anything done in God’s name if it were.  That’s just plain common sense!  This belief system is full of entitlement and narcissism.  Its not a biblical role!  It’s man made doctrine, and it will fail people because you don’t depend on God but others.

I’m not saying that as humans we can’t have others help us in life’s journey.  God placed people in our path for a reason – his reason.  We will all have people in our life's that are a source of encouragement among other things.  We will also have some that are a source of dread.  We can't use those people that bring hurt into our life's as an excuse NOT to be what God ‘fashioned’ us to be.  Our spiritual journey would halt before it even got started if we did!

THINK about that for a moment!  Do we need others to be a certain way to be proper Christian?  To be the way Jesus asks us to be?  That is what this author is saying.  Its not true for ANYONE!  For all the speeches on the ‘weaker vessel’, and the stereotypes they place out there about women?  Lets be honest and say if man were depend on woman?  IGNORING the fact that man teaches women are to be dependent on THEM (among stereotypes in the other direction)….we are all screwed!   The gender deal can’t do it for US!  Why is this so hard to wrap their heads around?

Notice how they left God out completely!  His word means nothing.  It becomes a tool for an agenda instead.

To me this type of thinking is considered tunnel vision.  I can only tend, guard and care for things IF they are as I need them to be. He is basically stating that others are responsible for his actions.  THEY MADE ME!  People in general tend to use this type of excuse all the time.  Its not just men.  Its been a popular way of thinking for ages – if not forever!  I can only treat people the way they need to be treated if they can be x, y and z.  In other words, our behavior is not dependent on what God asks of us but of our perceived treatment from others.  People in general will always be disappointed I have to admit.  Poor things.

Notice how Jesus treated those that were looked down upon in the society he was in at the time.  He saw them as God’s children WITHOUT the list of rules to ‘allow’ him to see them this way.  Jesus came because MAN is not capable of caring, guarding, and tending to this world the way it should be.  We need him.  The human race has a bad track record – YES even within the church – and the fault lays in sin. 

When Paul was jailed, and it was written that he converted his jailers.  Was it dependent on their treatment of him?  Did David become what God was leading him towards due to the treatment from Saul?  I would assume the jailers at one time, and YES Saul was beyond acting ugly.  If you apply this author’s way of thinking – it’s a wonder they got anything accomplished!

Can you imagine some poor man’s reaction to God once he reaches Heaven, and gives God the excuse that he didn’t treat women as you asked me too BECAUSE they didn’t let me FEEL my position as a MAN!  I need Christian Manhood Illustrated!  They didn’t HELP ME GOD!

I’m sorry but it reminds me of a whiner.  Doesn’t it?

This type of tunnel vision makes people weak and wimpy.  It makes us dependent on others to be the person God had in mind.  Humans will always fail us, so why concentrate on this dependency?  Let just say it…it’s a bigoted view, and helps no one.

Remember God makes ‘Godly’ men – not women!  The same principal applies the other way around.

God please help me see what you have in mind for me, and help me do as you wish me to do.  Help me pull off my own lenses of dependency on things that should not be.  In Jesus name…AMEN!

John Piper, and his 7 clarifying Justifications on Domestic Violence

Crying Out For Justice had noted on their blog that John Piper wrote an article (after how long?) to ‘clarify’ his position on Wife Abuse.  I had written a piece called, John Piper’s Ignorance is killing Children.  I had taken a video from John Piper when he spoke about wife abuse, and what submission to your husband looks like in such cases.  I uploaded his video to youtube, because his website stated you could ‘share’ their content.
I never in a million years would have expected them to take the video down off their site (Desiring God), and never say a word about WHY they removed it.  Most people that I have noticed feel they wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. 
I had no idea the firestorm that would start over this video, and when I check my youtube account?  It tells me it has been shared all over the place, and is quoted quite often.  To this day I still received comments on youtube under the video itself.
John Piper made some awful comments about domestic violence in the church in 2009.   This is 2012 – almost 2013.  It took John Piper almost 4 years to ‘clarify’ his position on domestic violence in the church.  Most people that feel they are misunderstood tend to correct the misunderstanding within weeks.  John Piper decided that years was appropriate in this case.   

We don’t need clarification – you need to repent!

Clarifying Words on Wife Abuse

by John Piper | December 19, 2012
Several years ago, I was asked in an online Q&A, “What should a wife’s submission to her husband look like if he’s an abuser?”
One of the criticisms of my answer has been that I did not mention the recourse that a wife has to law enforcement for protection. So let me clarify with seven biblical observations.

Sadly, he didn’t clarify anything.  He basically gave another confusing message, and maybe its time he shuts up completely on this subject.  It’s clear the man has no clue what type of dynamics are involved within an abusive relationship, and all he seems to be doing is pandering to different sides of his following.
We will look at his seven biblical justifications (ahem – I mean observations), and compare them to what he said the first time.
He isn’t showing the humility he asks from others – per scripture. He doesn’t offer to repent of his errors, or even offer an apology for some misunderstanding. No. He wants to clarify.
He feels his ignorance towards this issue and its realities for many families was awesome, but misunderstood. People just didn’t understand him. In truth its not his communication skills that are lacking but comprehension of the issue he speaks of. 
He knows people feel this, and takes the coward’s way out. Repentance is what is needed – not clarification.

Its very saddening to me personally.  We can assume his viewpoint has not changed. That’s scary! The lack of police wasn’t the only error he made.  Notice also he placed this in writing, because last time he caught it over giggling at the question. Lets look at a portion of what was said last time:

A woman’s submission to her husband is rooted in the word of God, calling her to be—for the Lord’s sake, for the Lord’s sake—submissive to him. Which means she always has a higher allegiance, namely to Christ.
Therefore Christ’s word governs her life. And Christ has many words besides “Be submissive.” “Be submissive” is not an absolute, because her Lord has other things to tell her, so that if the husband tells her something that contradicts what the Lord tells her, then she’s got a crisis of, “To whom do I submit now?” And clearly she submits to Jesus above her husband. The reason she is submitting to her husband is because of her prior superior submission to the Lord.
So if this man, for example, is calling her to engage in abusive acts willingly (group sex or something really weird, bizarre, harmful, that clearly would be sin), then the way she submits—I really think this is possible, though it’s kind of paradoxical—is that she’s not going to go there. I’m saying, “No, she’s not going to do what Jesus would disapprove even though the husband is asking her to do it.” – From John Piper’s video 4 years ago

This time he decides he needs to remind her of all the people, offices, etc. that she is in submission to. Once again, he is asking her to call on her church with his comment, ‘is a call to humble, Bible-Saturated, spiritual wisdom’. Yes, he hints at the source all through his piece. This is just your first taste of it.

1. Every Christian is called to submit to various authorities and to each other: children to parents (Ephesians 6:1), citizens to government (Romans 13:1), wives to husbands (Ephesians 5:22), employees to employers (2 Thessalonians 3:10), church members to elders (Hebrews 13:17), all Christians to each other (Ephesians 5:21), all believers to Christ (Luke 6:46).
This puts the submission of wives and husbands into the wider context of submission to Jesus, to the civil authorities, to each other, and to the church. This means that the rightness or wrongness of any act of submission is discerned by taking into account all the relevant relationships. We are all responsible to Jesus first, and then, under him, to various other persons and offices. Discerning the path of love and obedience when two or more of these submissive relationships collide is a call to humble, Bible-saturated, spiritual wisdom.

His second statement on domestic violence is a bit more complicated than his first.  The first time we heard his speech on the wife’s submission to her husband ‘for the Lord’s sake’, and then he goes into some strange speech about ‘group sex’.  Now he reminds her (and others) of all the authorities people are to submit to, and how it takes discernment in order to juggle all of them.
Why he can’t just tell her that it is OKAY to call the civil authorities when she feels she is in danger?  He is over doing this WAY too much.  Honestly, he is confusing the issue more than it needs to be.  Its wise to call the authorities if you feel threatened in this way.  During this period you don’t have time to juggle of this stuff he rambles about.  That wasted time could cost lifes.

2. Husbands are commanded, “Love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). They are told to “love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28–29). The focus of a husband’s Christlikeness in loving his wife is “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
Christian husbands are not Christ. They are finite, fallible, forgiven sinners. They do not stand in the place of Christ. Their wives relate directly to Christ (Hebrews 4:16; 11:6), not merely through their husbands. Husbands do not have the wisdom or the power or the rights of Christ. Their likeness to Christ in leading their wives is limited and focused by these words: He gave himself up for her . . . nourishing and cherishing . . . not harsh with them.
Therefore, an abusive husband is breaking God’s law. He is disobeying Christ. He is not to be indulged but disciplined by the church. The wife is not insubordinate to ask the church for help. A Christian woman should not feel that the only help available to her is the police. That would be a biblical failure of her church.

Sadly, an abusive man does not love his own body.  He can’t grasp the concept of nourishing and cherishing in the way that John Piper speaks of.  He is not capable of being what God commanded, and when you understand that part?  The rest of what John Piper states here doesn’t make any sense.
No one can relate to Christ ‘through’ an abusive person the way he means it.  Sadly, they are too broken.   They can’t ‘lead’ their wives in the way he speaks of either.  This assumption alone shows how disconnected he is from this circumstance.  The way he is presenting this?  The husband is a good, honorable Christian Husband – that failed miserably in some fashion.  It goes much further than that.
The biblical failure of the church is why these articles are needed to begin with.  The way submission is taught is confusing most of the time as well.  When you write books, and you tell women that if a man stops by your house to ask for directions – you need to do it in an submissive way in order to honor his gender is just a bit over the top.  This is why he has to tell woman its not ‘insubordinate’ to ask for help  in the first place.  That alone should tell you there is a failure within the church.
What's the Difference – By John Piper, Page 60

appropriate ways. there are ways for a woman to interact even with a male subordinate that signal to him and others her endorsement of his mature manhood in relationship to her as a woman. i do not have in mind anything like sexual sugges- tiveness or innuendo. rather, i have in mind culturally appro- priate expressions of respect for his kind of strength, and glad acceptance of his gentlemanly courtesies. her demeanor—the tone and style and disposition and discourse of her ranking position—can signal clearly her affirmation of the unique role that men should play in relationship to women owing to their sense of responsibility to protect and lead.
it is obvious at this point that we are on the brink of contradiction—suggesting that a woman may hold a position of leadership and fulfill it in a way that signals to men her endorsement of their sense of responsibility to lead. But the complexities of life require of us this risk. to illustrate: it is simply impossible that from time to time a woman not be put in a position of influencing or guiding men. for example, a housewife in her backyard may be asked by a man how to get to the freeway. at that point she is giving a kind of leadership. she has superior knowledge that the man needs and he sub- mits himself to her guidance. But we all know that there is a way for that housewife to direct the man that neither of them feels their mature femininity or masculinity compromised. it is not a contradiction to speak of certain kinds of influence

I have wonder if they don’t make these teachings confusing on purpose so that people have to constantly come back, and ask how to do something right.  They are made to be dependent on them for even the most simple tasks in life.  Why in heaven’s name do you seriously need to instruct a grown woman on how to give driving directions when asked?  It should be common sense – Be nice and offer them!
Sorry but when you get these types of confusing messages?  Yes, you are better off going to the police.  You don’t time to juggle the colliding submission levels, and all that jazz.  You end up being busy double thinking things to make sure you doing it as your pastor would wish, and the protection of the family comes second.  This should not be!

So the short answer, I think, is that the church is really crucial here to step in, be her strength, say to this man, “You can’t do this. You cannot do this! That’s not what we allow. That’s not what Christ calls you to be.”
I can’t go in to all the details, but I would say to the woman, “Come to a church that you feel safe in. Tell them the case. Let the leaders step in and help you navigate the difficulties. -John Piper’s Video on Abuse from 4 years ago.

An abusive man needs to hear more than what is offered here, and an understanding of his mindset is essential.  It’s a pattern of behavior, and most of the time you find that the woman (or man) that is being abused doesn’t recognize it for what it is. 
Anyone can have a good day, and be nice.  Yes, even abusive personalities.  Too often we use that simplistic example to avoid looking at his core being.  That core doesn’t change with a session of church discipline – or even a number of them.  We also need to acknowledge that humans have a choice to see their sin, and turn from it – or refuse to.  That part is something John Piper ‘refuses’ to acknowledge or in fact deal with at all here.
If you can’t deal with that part? You need to stay silent. It’s a reality for so many people, and has been inside and outside the church.

3. But recourse to civil authorities may be the right thing for an abused wife to do. Threatening or intentionally inflicting bodily harm against a spouse (or other family members) is a misdemeanor in Minnesota, punishable by fines, short-term imprisonment, or both. Which means that a husband who threatens and intentionally injures his wife is not only breaking God’s moral law, but also the state’s civil law. In expecting his wife to quietly accept his threats and injuries, he is asking her to participate in his breaking of both God’s moral law and the state’s civil law.
God himself has put law enforcement officers in place for the protection of the innocent. “If you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer” (Romans 13:4). A wife’s submission to the authority of civil law, for Christ’s sake, may, therefore, overrule her submission to a husband’s demand that she endure his injuries. This legitimate recourse to civil protection may be done in a spirit that does not contradict the spirit of love and submission to her husband, for a wife may take this recourse with a heavy and humble heart that longs for her husband’s repentance and the restoration of his nurturing leadership.

Once again John Piper assumes he is capable of ‘nurturing leadership’.    Sadly, he is not.  He never addresses or goes NEAR this issue.  This is a problem, because if you can’t acknowledge it?  You can’t fix  it either.
Most that call the authorities do this out of fear for their safety.  The speech about where her heart maybe be at that point?  It shows how completely gone he is with the realities of these circumstances. 
Do people call the police when someone breaks into their homes out of a heavy and humble heart that wishes their repentance and restoration?  NO!  They call because they are scared, and maybe harmed..and want help and protection!  The rest?  Granted could come later.
The way he presents this will make the family feel badly about calling for help.  Their terror wasn’t enough, because they were not thinking of love and submission.  Seriously, what a dumb statement!  The picture I submitted here is showing how to do this the WRONG way.  Bleck!
John Piper needs to understand the systematic breakdown of her personhood over time by her abuser’s words.   They way he presents this places DOUBT in their MINDS!
John Piper’s added extras don’t help, but render things.  Romans 13:4 is all you need.

Here is a partial look at the relationship…
Some repeated comments include:  She will never make it without him, and the children will be homeless.  No one will want her, or believe her.  She is crazy, and everyone knows it. 
An Abuser once told his children, ‘Without me?  You will be living under a bush, and eating BUGS!” 
He builds a dependency on him, and any anxiety in his life no matter how small?  Its spilled over all this family, and you can bet he has them scared to death.
The family sadly already has an unhealthy sense of responsibility towards him, and his abusive behavior. 
When John Piper speaks of domestic violence in the church, and he uses phases like:  ‘maybe the right the thing to do’ or ‘may, therefore, overrule her submission to a husband’s demand’ leaves doubt in her mind.   That is the LAST thing she needs!
The abusive person has already brainwashed her into thinking she can’t make a plausible decision to SAVE her life, and the church is going to believe HIM.  Remember she is crazy, and everyone knows it. She already feels incapable of making decisions due to his treatment of her (ie: verbal and emotional abuse – or in Piper’s words verbal unkindness), and may not feel capable of the biblical gymnastics he was asking of her.  Remember this is a time of terror and trauma.  Not the TIME to think and feel all the junk Piper has in mind.  She needs to hear someone that can be blunt, and Piper isn’t doing that.
Calling the police is taking every OUNCE of energy, and bravery she has.  She doesn’t need some speech about where her heart should be – or maybe.  It just confuses things for her.  She needs to hear support. 
She knows the church will ask her to look her sin, and what they don’t understand is she may not be able to balance that in a rational way.  The family has already been trained to owe sins that are NOT their’s to own anyway.  Their approach needs to show appreciation to this concept.  John Piper does not do this. 
All the family will feel is shame – it’s a normal environment for them.  The abuser’s words of how awful they are, and how life is their fault?  It’s a normal mindset for them, and they feel they are already condemned.  She already FEELS like a piece of dirt on the bottom on his shoe.  The abusive person LIKES IT THAT WAY, and Piper doesn’t seem to grasp that either.  Its his form of control, and its  full of entitlement for HIM – not God.  He is too broken to grasp God’s moral law, because all he sees is how people wronged him.
Does this SOUND like a person that LOVES his body, and is capable of cherishing and nourishing others when he can’t do that for himself?
When you can’t get to point A – understanding the mindset of the abuser or family – you will not help the abusive person or the family get to be point B.  All the silly spiritual pixie dust you place in between doesn’t change that fact.

4. The church should not harbor an abusive man or woman whom the civil authorities would punish if they knew what the church knows. We are called to mercy. “Be merciful as your heavenly Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36). But there are times when mercy to one demands justice for another. This is often the case with criminal abuse. Moreover, there are many ways to show mercy toward a guilty person who must pay fines or go to jail. We are seldom in a position where the choice is simply mercy or no mercy.

I have to be honest that this partial comment about ‘would punish if they knew what the church knows’?  It makes me very uncomfortable, because YES the church does have a reputation of covering up. John Piper knows this.  They feel they can do a better job – in house.  It also tells you she has gone to them first, and they are wrestling with calling the authorities.
Unfortunately,  when you have people in a church that tend to feel they know better than anyone else?  People get hurt.  John Piper has not shown his discernment on this issue yet.  You need the law, and you also need people in faith behind you – full of support and encouragement.
Most of the time the church tends to look for the ‘accident’ instead of the ‘pattern of behavior’.  Churches HAVE used the excuse that being a card carrying Christian means abusers won’t manipulate the circumstance.  They won’t wail at the alter in repentance when their fingers are crossed behind their backs.  Abusive personalities didn’t get that way because of martial issues.  Its been a long journey for them, and they know how to play their cards. 
The church gives out to much benefit of the doubt – or feel they will see right through them.  It never dawns on them that is the other way around.  The abuser will play them as well.  Sadly, Piper are too focused on the Disneyland Happily ever after.   They never wish to look at the core issues, because it may not turn out ‘biblical’ enough for them.  That’s a problem!
In most cases – they couldn’t discern the proper type of justice or mercy in these cases if their life depended on it.  Instead of being FIRM, and letting the family know they WILL be their support system the way they need it?  They go down rabbit trails.  This needs to be a time of encouragement, and so far?  It hasn’t been.  I agree we are seldom in a position where choice is simply mercy or no mercy.  We also need to allow natural consequences to happen, and at times allow God to take the wheel.
Problem is you give the wrong type of mercy if you don’t have a good grasp on whom you are dealing with. 

5. For many women, the thought of a husband going to jail and losing his job and being publicly shamed is so undesirable that they often endure much sin before becoming desperate enough to turn to the authorities. What I want to stress is that long before they reach a point of desperation — or harm — the women of the church should know that there are spiritual men and women in the church that they can turn to for help. By way of caution and lament, I cannot promise that every church has such spiritual, gifted, and compassionate men and women available for help. But many do. The intervention of these mature brothers and sisters may bring the husband to repentance and reconciliation. Or they may determine that laws have been broken and the civil authorities should or must be notified. In either case, no Christian woman (or man) should have to face abuse alone.

No doubt women do think about jail, job, and being shamed publically.  The church needs to make her feel that the shame of the circumstance is not her’s to bear.  Shame should be felt by the one whom harmed others.  Why does that message NOT come out of the church’s clearly enough for all to see?  Will that red flag be enough to seek changes, or will we make excuses and simplistic comments about it?

Now that’s one kind of situation. Just a word on the other kind. If it’s not requiring her to sin but simply hurting her, then I think she endures verbal abuse for a season, and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church. – Piper’s comments from 4 years ago

He confuses people because prior he told the women to take things for a season, or wait until you are hit.   There was no clarification as to how this changed since his more recent statement (or Ahem – clarification). 
Are they going to asked if they waited a season, or asked WHY they waited until harm came?   
Could those past statements be part of the reason WHY families become ‘desperate enough to turn to the authorities’.
Yes, of course they can.  You see John Piper some of the statements and attitudes towards domestic violence within the church need to owned and repented of.  Your list of the 7 justifications doesn’t cut it.
People can be mature believers, and still not know HOW to handle this type of circumstances.  It’s not a putdown at all.  You need a special type of help with experience in these matters.  Once again, there is no clarification on this either.  He leaves this damning statement out there for people to wonder about.
Since he can’t make up his mind – due to NOT clarifying police action or not…how do they determine if they will contact civil authorities?  You see, he didn’t clarify anything here.  This was to be the WHOLE purpose of his new article.  There is no mention of separation during this ‘intervention’ either – just intervention of the abuser.  Would separation even be on their minds?  Still no comment.
The bible does speak of those that do not choose to repent, and turn from their sin.  The actions towards that person – if they happen to be a spouse – is ignored they feel ‘biblically’.  Quite honestly even if he did repent instantly (which we love to look at, and yet we are to see if they can live it also)?  Do they forget the family is still scared?  Will he be allowed to live and marinate with that reality he left his family in?  I’m sorry – forgive me shouldn’t be enough for anyone yet. 
Their only true focus it seems is reconciliation.  The reality of the marriage not working out the way they feel it must makes the church wiggle with anxiety.  Now we switch from the abusers' anxieties to the churches.  That doesn’t help the terrified family, and you have to wonder when their time comes….
The churches focus is on the future – with hopefully no divorce or remarriage. 
The family wants to feel safe, and is wondering what type of attack the abuser will attempt now that they are outed.  Where does their future lie?  How will they get by?  Where will they live?  Will they ever be safe?  Those questions are NOT due to thinking of divorce or remarriage – its out of personal safety and well being.  Something most are used to, and they have not had the luxury of.  They are scared to death! 
The church worries about reminding the family that they need to think of income from the husband.  How children can get screwed up if they don’t grow up in a two parent home.  The shattered family makes the church nervous, and although some maybe well intended PUSH the repentance and reconciliation way before its even a healthy time to embark on that journey.  
The family may feel at this point that their fear is frivolous to the church – due to their reaction.  The church will say it is NOT, but they won’t put their own anxieties to the side long enough to make that family feel safe.  They feel steamrolled without options this time, and if you listen to most family members?  They hear manipulative comments coming from these compassionate brothers and sisters.  “How will you live if your husband is in jail?”

6. When Jesus commands his disciples, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39), he is describing one way of love: the testimony that Jesus is so sufficient to me that I do not need revenge. This was the way Christ loved us at the end: “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:22–23).
But this is not the only path of love open to those who are persecuted. The Bible warrants fleeing. John Bunyan wrestled with these two strands in the Bible of how to deal with persecution:
He that flies, has warrant to do so; he that stands, has warrant to do so. Yea, the same man may both fly and stand, as the call and working of God with his heart may be. Moses fled, Ex. 2:15; Moses stood, Heb. 11:27. David fled, 1 Sam. 19:12; David stood, 24:8. Jeremiah fled, Jer. 37:11–12; Jeremiah stood, 38:17. Christ withdrew himself, Luke 19:10; Christ stood, John 18:1–8. Paul fled, 2 Cor. 11:33; Paul stood, Acts 20:22–23. . . .
Do not fly out of a slavish fear, but rather because flying is an ordinance of God, opening a door for the escape of some, which door is opened by God’s providence, and the escape countenanced by God’s Word, Matt. 10:23. (Seasonable Counsels, or Advice to Sufferers, in The Works of John Bunyan, volume 2, page 726)

‘I do not need revenge’,  is again NOT on the list of priorities for the family during this period of time.  John Piper doesn’t understand this, and I guess has ignored proven concepts like it’s the most dangerous time for them is when they escape.  They will be reviled and threatened – NOT the abuser!  They want to hide – not get back at him.   Anger may come WAY later, but its more over the treatment they had to endure  and are finally able to allow it to safety surface.   That is called righteous anger, and not the sinful type he is hinting towards here.
When you can’t wrap you head around this additional concept, it also shows how completely disconnected he is to their reality. 
He seems to be looking at the family within a different environment.  One in which someone attacks the family, and the family – as a unit – wants to lash back at them.  We aren’t speaking of an outsider coming to harm the family.  We are speaking of an insider that they live with that has been harming them, and is going to be royally ticked off that he has been exposed. 
If they separate from him?  He is going to go nuts over that aspect alone.  Granted the church maybe able to calm him down at the moment, but its not something that will stick completely within him.  His resentment and contempt for them is still firmly seeded.  John Piper can’t seem to even conceive of this at all.  He is barking up the wrong tree here! 
The only ‘stood’ parts you see hinted at here is the reconciliation of the family.  Its not time to deal with this yet!  STOP rushing!  I realize its unreasonable to ask for him to look at the fact that the abuser may not wish to change due to choice.  So life without him is not something he will ever speak about.

My closing plea is to all Christian men, and in particular to the leaders of churches: Herald a beautiful vision of complementarian marriage that calls men to bear the responsibility not only for their own courage and gentleness but also for the gentleness of the other men as well. Make it part of the culture of manhood in the church that the men will not tolerate the abuse of any of its women.

So, in other words:  being complementarian, and living HIS version of it is the answer.  We have seen plenty of churches that can speak a good game, but you find they also ‘tolerate’ quite a bit.  Saying you won’t tolerate something is just words.  Showing compassion, and following up with the right type of action is what is needed.  

You need to be responsible with speaking about abuse.  You haven’t been, and this little piece still shows the ignorance that you held on to all this time.  John Piper you didn’t clarify anything.  You just cemented in what you said the first time.  Your courage was lacking in correcting your errors, and there was no gentle humbleness.  Lead by example!  Its time to repent – NOT CLARIFY!

We don’t need your 7 biblical justifications.  That’s all you did here.  You justified what you said last time, and it shows who your ignorance is killing children, and their families.

Open Letter to John Piper about Divorce – Written by a man
Domestic Violence, Christmas, John Piper, SGM and TGC
Double Standards in the true Confusion – Video shows how John Piper approaches those that suffered abuse – other than spouses.  HUGE difference!
John Piper, and Domestic Violence in the Church

Newtown: Mental Health, Gun Control Or God in Schools?

All across the world right now we see people struggling with the Newtown shootings.  Theories pop up for the why’s and how’s.  The President calling for change, because we can’t tolerate it anymore.

I know I’m not the only person that has been left in tears over what happened.  No doubt I’m hardly the only one struggling with WHY this happened as well.  Honestly, I have to wonder if we will ever know all the answers.  I somehow doubt it.

In our extremely polarized society the in fighting began almost immediately.   Its similar to the same type of polarization that has also spread to churches as we see people fighting over doctrine, etc. as well.  We will never get anything accomplished if our hearts do not change, and we can’t stop looking at others with different opinions as almost the devil in person.  I realize in history you always had fighting of some sort, but I don’t remember a time when it has been so bad.

There are compassionate views on gun control in the United States.  I doubt very many people would NOT agree with some common sense practices that need to be put in place.  Yes, that includes the individuals that do have guns as well.  Although from some viewpoints you would have to wonder if they (gun owners) can possibly be included in the discussion at all.  Our polarization is showing there as well.  If you look in the opposite direction – gun owners towards the gun control parties?  You see the same thing.  Then you have those that feel this is what happens when you leave God out of schools.  Others want armed guards at school.  Both sides towards any angle hate on the same level – about the only thing they have in common.

Our tunnel vision seems to be an issue to me.  We seem to only see one factor that could be contributing to these horrors, and we seem blind almost all the others.  All you have to do is see commentaries on televisions, facebook, comments on news articles to realize it.  We tend to place band aids on things when the stronger view wins in the end, and wonder WHY it keeps happening.  The attacks start again, and we may even go down another path.  Most of the time nothing of value ever happens.

I hope we find a combination plan to help ease things, but I doubt we will ever stop it completely.  Ugly things like this have happened since time began.  If we could stop the polarization MAYBE we could slow it down.

When stories started to surface about the killer Adam Lanza the first thing that popped into my mind was a sign off a main road in a town near our house.  Its not the only answer, but it seems to be a universal issue for the world.  We all bring our personal vantage points to the table, and for some reason this SIGN kept popping up in my head.

Keep in mind its just ONE factor of many….

Don’t Pick Up Hitch Hikers

There is a large town here nearby, and off one of the main roads is a mental hospital.

States all across this nation cut funding to the mentally ill, and the facilities that patients called home are closed.   We aren’t speaking of criminals here, but those that aren’t able to live in society due to all kinds of different circumstances.

When those cuts happened here they released most of the patients at their front entrance, and they didn’t have any place to go.  The state decided to put up signs like the one I have pictured warning people NOT to pick up hitch hikers.  I remember the newspapers have a field day over this, because they knew that mentally ill people would be wandering the streets.

I had a number of clients during this time that worked with charities, homeless shelters, police organizations.  Most of them had very little state funding, and most of it came from fund raising.  They were completely overrun with new clients, and didn’t know what they could do for all of them.

Most patients didn’t have families, and other’s had families with no way to help them.  Most ended up homeless, and stayed homeless to this day.  The homeless shelters are full each and every night to capacity.  Others didn’t know how to deal with life beyond the mental hospital, and ended up in jail for breaking the law.  Then you have others that end up in emergency rooms for their temporary fix for their current episode.

To me it was a very inhumane way of dealing with these people.  Most will never be able function in society on any level, and more and more end up in jail instead.  Our jail systems are not set up to deal with them, and very few have areas for them to reside in safety.  The prison personnel know they don’t belong there, but we have closed every other place else they could go.

Mentally Ill Living At Home

Then you look at the families that have members with these disabilities, and you can see how completely overwhelmed they are.  I worked with a woman that had an adult son at that point, and he lived with her.  He was not capable of living anywhere else, and if I remember correctly he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. 

He was a decent man when he wasn’t having an episode, and during one he was downright scary.   Funding for him had pretty much dried up – per the resources you could get for him.   She was a widow,  and he was adult man.  She was in no position to handle him when he got violent.  He would be placed in a hospital for a short period of time, or the police could arrest him.  She always had to check to be sure he was taking his medicine, and that could be fight as well.  There was nothing else they could do, except to keep repeating this cycle.

He was one of the lucky ones, because his mother would ‘put up with him’ I guess you could say.  Most of the time she was overwhelmed, and what I called fried to a crisp.  There was no other place for him to go, and she could have chosen to allow him to live on the streets.  Police could have arrested him, and placed him in prison.   There wasn’t too many options for him.  For his mother there was no relief services, and she needed them badly.

The plights of the mental ill tear me up when I hear about them.  I have been helping with organizations for them, and have heard all kinds of awful stories.  The mental hospital in that nearby town has dozens of empty buildings, and you can still see the fences around them with basketball courts, etc.  We have retirees here in our town that used to work there, and the stories they tell about the patients could scare you to death.  They used the buildings for the last time when had housed people after Katrina hit.  Otherwise most of them lay empty except for the ones that house the criminally insane.

What Happens to those Towns

The nearby town that the hospital resides in has a gang problem, and sadly the patients that were released are targeted.  No doubt out of fear of them, but in others just due to cruelty.  The patients themselves have become afraid to come to the shelters at night, or the food pantries to eat.  Instead they get themselves into other types of trouble.  A number of years ago they went under a bridge to burn a sofa for warmth from the winter wind.  The fire spread to the bridge itself, and then to the infrastructure for electricity, telephone lines, etc.   People were hurt, and the homeless scattered.  It took weeks to fix everything.

I have no doubt in my mind that families cut them loose after a while as well.  They get so overwhelmed, and when I think of the woman I worked with?  She have no life outside the world of schizophrenia.  Work was her only time off, and she scooted home during lunch breaks to check on him.  She had to work.  She had no vacations.  No time off.  He could be dangerous if you didn’t keep an eye on him.  Her son passed away, and she had a chance to have a life of her own.  You have to wonder what would have happened to both of them in her aging years.

The resources for charities, homeless shelters, etc. have always been hard.  Its just a reality.  It gets harder still when you are faced with hundreds of mentally challenged people that were cut loose from a state mental hospital.  The state doesn’t figure out WHAT to do with these people, and claims the resources aren’t there and allow them to walk out the front door instead.  Alone.  Scared, and having no place to go.  Then you have the charities, local police, hospitals with even LESS resources trying scramble to find ways of keeping everyone safe.  Its irresponsible plain and simple.

I think of the mother of the shooter.  I think of others I know that have family members with challenges, and you do get tired after a while.  When you get tired or burned out things will happen.  Your viewpoint starts to change, and at times you let your guard down.  You allow them time to themselves unsupervised, because you just can’t seem to keep up with them ALL the time.  Its not an excuse!  Don’t get me wrong…its reality.  It doesn’t matter how strong you are, because we all need help at one time or another.  Problem is the support systems are just not there.  Our Grade for dealing with the mentally ill is a D-! 

We had a man in our town that landed in the mental hospital near by.  He had insurance for this trip, but once those funds ran out?  He was cut loose.  It was plain to everyone that he needed to stay longer.  It just wasn’t possible.  You can imagine the reactions when he proudly announced that they had offered him a FREE electroshock therapy session, because his insurance had already paid for the others.  I didn’t even know they did that anymore.  He was so excited about this GREAT offer he was presented with, and he was puffed up like a peacock.   To him it was an awesome buy one get one free deal!  Disturbing isn’t even a term that describes our reactions properly.

We deal with these people with signs that say Don’t pick up Hitch Hikers.  We know some are a danger, but that’s about it.  Most will never be a danger to society like this shooter was, but they will be a nuisance.   Its not on purpose, because they don’t have the tools to live. 

We closed up everyone avenue they had for help, and I have to wonder if this also is just one aspect that we overlook.

In the coming weeks we will find out more of how this started to unravel, and we should all pray for the victims and their families.  I highly doubt we will find just one aspect, and not hints of others in this awful murderous spree.  Pray that we address them all in some way, so we can slow down this type of crimes.  Pray that we season our decisions with facts, and not emotions completely.

Does God Avoid American Schools?

God Control and the Tragedy at Sandy Hook