To often I find that people do not understand verbal and emotional abuse. They tend to downplay it, and if you would JUST be nicer you could change the person.
Diversion off the verbally abusive person and its placed back ON the person that is enduring the abuse.
Below are two examples of children being verbally abused, and people are outraged for good reason.
I found that if is targeted towards a spouse they are asked, "What did you do to make them so mad?" Its not a matter of doing anything. Its a matter of dealing with an irrational person.
Please keep in mind both of these videos can be very triggering to people, so please keep that in mind.
I need to warn you before you view this video that it can be very triggering, and will be hard to watch. The child got to the point where he lashed back, and its a good example of the helplessness you feel when on the recieving end of verbal and emotional abuse. They feel they have no other options but to defend themselves.
It shows how the verbal and emotional abuse that is thrown at people can be constant, and they tend to come back at you will additional attacks.
Both of these examples are of children, and we should be outraged of their treatment. I pray that one day people will take this serious enough to realize that no one should have to put up with this. That includes adults within marriage.
As children live with emotional and verbal abuse WHY is it that people get confused as to why that cycle continues into adulthood is beyond me. The world needs to take abuse in general a bit more serious, and stop making excuses for the abuser.
I see examples of people making excuses for abusive behavior alot, and until it stops or even slows down things will NOT get better!
I think most people have seen lists of behaviors from a number of different sources about emotional abuse, but what most don't grasp is that this is a pattern of behavior. Emotional abuse has a pattern of behavior!
PATTERN is the key element to this concept of emotional abuse, and just because someone is ugly one day doesn't make them abusive.
I think people tend to overuse the word 'emotional abuse' myself. ABUSE in general tends to be overused as well. Abuse is a 'PATTERN' of behavior not just being what the world calls a 'jerk' on occasion. Can't name a person on earth that hasn't been guilty of that!
Recently, I heard a pastor describe this very well. I will try to place it in a nutshell for you. He mentioned that week he had worked with a number of others at the church on a project he was responsible for. They didn't do something his way, and he got all bent out shape over it. Instead of handling it the way we are asked to he basically had a temper tantrum instead. His behavior was far from acceptable. He had one of those moments we have all had when we realize we opened our mouths, and placed our foot into it instead! "OH! I can't believe I just said that!" type of moments! He had to humble himself, and he had to go to the others and apologize and ask forgiveness. He truly repented of this. This wasn't normal behavior for him, and he was genuine about his asking for forgiveness, and repented of his bad behavior.
His behavior isn't called abusive because it isn't a pattern of behavior for him.
If he had a pattern of blowing a gasket when people on projects didn't do things his way it could be different.
If he apologized to people more to save face more then out of genuine repentance that would be completely different as well.
If his apology was full of blame shifting, "I realize I was acting awful, but if you guys would have JUST done what I asked in the first place it may NOT have happened!" This is an example of NOT being very sorry!
I'm sure we have all experienced those types of 'apologies' in the past, and we also know they were NOT very geniune in nature.
Another thing people tend to get mixed up about is the fact that a person that can be emotional abusive can also be a nice, caring person at times.
Just because they happen to be a broken soul that acts sinfully towards others at times because of wrong habit patterns doesn't mean they can't also be nice at times. It also doesn't mean they can't be genuine with their repentance as well at times.
Some people that are emotionally abusive WILL apologize after a while, and some will never mutter a word! Some will say they will stop the behavior, but that normally happens when their world has fallen down around them. Remember a couple of things:
If the pattern of behavior continues, and they don't do anything about it chances are they aren't all that genuine.
If they seek out help, and then make excuses about how that can't continue is another sign.
If they flat out deny things, and tell others they are basically blowing it out of proportion, being to sensitive, or claim that most people act like this another good sign.
Complain they can't do this (help, accountability, etc) with others, because they don't wish others to know their personal business.
Claim their partners behavior is just as bad, and when are they going to address their's also?
Make excuses about how the therapist or counselor would be bias against them for all kinds of reasons.
Claim they can't help it due to their past. ie: child abuse, etc.
They claim its just a bad temper, and YOU know they don't MEAN IT!
People on the receiving end of emotional abuse (remember its a pattern) either tend to get defensive at times, or they start to doubt themselves. They can be upfront in their approach to this person about their hurt over the emotional abuse, and their partner will respond with either:
Not allowing the person to finish their thought
Twisting what they said to tell them what they really mean. Normally very extreme twisting at that!
Mock or Ridicule them
Tell them they are being HURT themselves by listening to a complaint from their partner
Totally ignoring them or silent treatment
Pouts or storms off
Diverts the attention off themselves with statements like: "YOUR not perfect either!" "If you wouldn't do that I would have to act this way!" "I have to do this otherwise YOU won't listen!"
These are just a few. The end equation is that the person that is trying to get the point across about the HURT, or are attempting to explain themselves is brushed off in all kinds of ways.
I think people get this concept of emotional abuse confused by the fact that anyone can be a jerk on occasion. Anyone can call someone names, and anyone can come across as cold and unfeeling. What I tend to get confused about is that when there is a pattern there, and people are reaching out and people offer simplistic advice.
MAYBE you just need to be in a better MOOD most of the time!
Maybe they don't feel loved or respected, and THAT's way they are acting ugly!
People tend to place that burden of their pain right back on their plates. YOU can do something to make this stop in other words. LOOK at your actions, and maybe you are causing this. That's junk! That's excuses of people that don't want to get involved. Pattern show issues with the emotional abusive person that is causing the behavior in this case!
The key here is PATTERN! If your partner has a pattern of mocking, screaming, pushing you to your limit, etc..........THINK! People say we are responsible for our own actions all the time. Why is it when there is a pattern involved, and you mention this pattern they say YOU are responsible! YOU need to change so it doesn't happen. When you take your first step to realizing YOU aren't doing anything to make them blow their stacks... YOU are taking the first step towards doing something about it.
People are responsible for their own actions, and even if someone is 'pushing their buttons'.........that doesn't change. Don't allow others to tell you that is does.
You can find lists of behaviors on emotional abuse all over the internet, so I won't supply you that. I want to give you the key ingredent that most miss out on - and that is PATTERN! PATTERN is the key!
I found this video on youtube, and they are speaking of a segment of the population that are pretty much ignored. They are speaking about the children that are left after one parent kills the other. What happens to them, and the silence they are forced to take on about that day/night when they lost both of their parents.
I can't imagine the pain and torment these children have to stuff away to make it comfortable for the rest of the world, and yet I have to be reminded that even before the death that silence was there.
In this video they are going to speak about what they call, 'uxoricide'. Its a clinical term for when one parent kills the other. The video speaks of what happens to those children after this has taken place.
Most of the time when uxoricide happens the child is taken to live with a grandmother, and in this study those grandmothers asked, 'What about the children? How do we raise them? How do we help them?' They did a search, and there was no material at all about this. None. There was research about the happening of when one parent kills the other, but nothing about afterwards.
They had to do some background for the study, and wanted to start with some adults that had this happen to them during their children.....and what happened to them.
They started to use what they call the 'Campbell' study, and they found that in 65% of the cases children were home during the homicide. 43% witnessed the homicide. They also wanted to see many children were actually effected, and they came up with a number just over 4,000 children nationwide. They wanted to compare that to another group of children, and they picked childhood leukemia in which 2,600 to 2,800 children are effected. How much more funding and attention do those poor children get compared to those of uxoricide! We have a huge segment of the children that are pretty much being ignored.
They study currently had spoke to 40 adult survivors or uxoricide, and they were holding this talk in hopes of finding additional adults to help them with this study. They were looking towards the audience for referrals in a way. They wanted to have 90 total to make the study complete in some fashion.
Things they found that happened later in their lifes in many of the participates:
1) Continued violence in their lifes. The number of men and women were equally effected by uxorcide, and both genders were found that violence continued in their lifes. Women reported about being victims, and men were the most up front about the fact they were abusive to their partners. The men were very open about this fact, and once they were arrested they realized they were no better than their father. It effected them so much that alot of them finally turned their lifes around. They learned to find ways of helping themselves, and others to wake up about the effects of domestic violence.
I thought that was quite interesting! What about you?
2) The second item is that these children make peace with the parent that killed. Once their parent is released from jail they feel they must reestablish a relationship with that parent.
Common themes:
'We all make mistakes!' 'He was in a blackout! He didn't know what he was doing!' 'Venegance is mine says the Lord' Its not my place to judge what he did.' 'No matter how sick that family tree is - I'm still a branch of it!' I can't escape or cut the family off. 'He is the only grandfather my children will ever have! I can't take that away from them!' Remember we are speaking of adults that grew up after this happened!
One set of daugthers that witnessed their mother being shot, and fell to the floor asked her daugthers to go and get her bible. She then told them to NOT hate their father for what he did....he is sick! She then died. Those two daugthers are now taking care of Dad in their lifes.
In alot of ways children see this as loyality to the memory of their mother.
One chilling story I remember is a child remembering the news media after it happened. The media reported that, 'Estranged husband shot and killed his wife'. This child turned to her sister and said, "SEE everyone knew Dad was strange, and no one did anything to stop him!'
3) I just about cried when I heard that these adult children mentioned that this study was the first and only time in their lifes that they were really allowed to ever really talk about this part their lifes.
Most people encourage the children NOT to talk about it. These children of uxoricide should be able to talk about it.
What happens is that if they children were witnesses of the parent being killed they are told NOT to talk about it before the trial! After the trial no one ever tells these children.......its okay to talk about it now.
The children reported that those people that took them in after the uxoricide told them to place the past behind them, and move on! We aren't going to talk about that - it was something bad! Its important now to just get your life together!
Sound familiar? Those children wanted and needed to talk about it.....and in most cases were told NOT to!
4) They also found that most of these children had just one important person in their lifes that impacted them afterwards. Most of the time these children are placed in foster care, and shuffled around from home to home for the rest of their lifes.
One brother and sister mentioned an Aunt they had. She wasn't around that much, but kept in contact with them. Their aunt was a missionary, and was gone much of the time. The aunt came once the homoside took place - which mom shot dad - and she was placed in a mental wards for some months while the aunt took care of them. Once mom was released she was in no position to be taking care of anyone, but the aunt did leave to go back to work in the missionary field. Mom was a broken shell of a person, and wasn't capable of caring for anyone. One thing the children did remember was the aunt was always in contact. She would send letters, tapes and packages. They said just knowing she was there - even if on the other side of the world really made a difference in their lifes.
5) What do you call the person (mom or dad that killed) afterwards?
Most of the time they found that people could NOT refer their parent as MOM or DAD, because it may insult this child or children in some way. They start to call this parent by their first name. That was very troublesome to the children! They wanted to continue to call them MOM or DAD!
6) In alot of cases children find mom or dad after they have been killed, and try to clean up the room or the mess. Its one of the most painful memories, and yet is constant with these children's memories.
They look at it as trying to take care of the mom or the dad.
At the end of the video one of the men that did this study presented a study of one of the families (children) of uxoricide.
The last portion was a women that survived this in her childhood, and spoke of a conversation she had with her grandchild.
'Grandma where is your Mom and Dad?'
'Where is my Mom and Dad honey?'
'Grandma your Mom and Dad are in heaven!'
'Your right! They are!'
Even after all these years this women had such a hard time speaking of this, and she had such a hard time just keeping it together to speak to this group of people.
I found the silence is always present during these cases. Silence is there when its happening, and silence and denial is happening after an escape for that life. Silence is even there when someone is killed.
I'm praying for these children of uxoricide, and I will pray for the adult survivors as well. I will pray that the silence is broken, and people are finally allow to speak of this. My hope for them is peace finally. Love, Joy and Peace!
