Wednesday, May 23, 2007

"Whatever you do, It ain't right!" Response! Christian men and their wifes..

Posted by Hannah at 4:55 PM

Okay! I will be honest here, but I sure see an 'air' of blame, and no honestly placing accountability towards behavior here! I found another article that is driving me right up a wall! LINK for the entire thing.

Oftentimes, husbands can be overbearing upon their wives without fully realizing the consequences of it. This is especially true of Christian wives who are taught to be submissive and obedient to their husbands (which is God's way). However, it is not good for a husband to be overbearing; in fact, it's a sin if the wife is being abused. Men are dominant by nature; that is to say, they want to have control over everything that is there's. Nothing makes a man angrier than when he loses control over what is his. If a wife leaves her husband, he has lost control of her. If other people are giving her advice, the husband is at the mercy of the wife's sense of judgment during her time of despair. Oftentimes, wives are given ungodly advice by well-meaning, but carnal people. Our advice should come from the Word of God. Of course, divorce is always a sin. God never leaves us (Hebrews 13:5), nor should we ever leave our spouse.

Men are dominant by nature; that is to say, they want to have control over everything that is there's! I guess I can agree that SOME men are like that, but certainly not ALL! Control and dominance has no place within a Christian home! I mean this gentlemen is basically saying, "I know some men get a bit overbearing, but HEY its something in our nature at times!" Don't give yourself excuses Mr. Stewart! Excuses dont' matter! Domination in the home is something that can easily go to far, and are we NOT to try to avoid "going there" to begin with?

I have NO CLUE why some men look to ladies and think they have brains they can't use like men at times! MEN in this situation didn't listen to advice and calling to them by scripture if their women walked out the door due to their overbearing attitudes! He didn't get some really good advice either I guess! I mean WHY would he take it that far, so that she felt there was no other way for peace besides leaving? God doesn't leave us I will grant you that, but husbands can leave their wifes and STILL be living inside the home! Normally, THAT someone lives there has been already been told, has already discussed attitudes whether or not this author wants to admit it! It takes alot for MOST ladies to live their husbands! Women are hardly dim witted as the attitude I'm reading either!

Many wives are the victims of their husband's constant criticisms for poor cleaning performance, looks, etc. A wise and loving husband will work with his wife to help her accomplish her tasks. Sometimes women get stuck in their minds being inside the home all day, they need a loving husband to help them...not badger them with negative talk. Wickedly, some husbands swear at their wives and viciously degrade them. This is sin. No one should ever lash out in anger at anyone. Many wives are kicking posts for their husbands to take out there frustrations on. Not necessarily physical abuse, but mental and emotional torment. A wife should not have to fear her husband's anger every time she makes a mistake. This type of relationship is common in older marriages (where a couple has been married for many years). Sometimes married couples get tired of each other and any love they once felt towards each other has grown ice cold. Merely repeating life's endless daily cycle year after year can drain a marriage's batteries. People get tired and become apathetic. This is all too common in marriages. The bills never stop coming. One problem after another arises. Life becomes a chore.

Now he was doing okay until he got to the part of "older" couples! If a man has been as wicked as he states for years.....get tired of each other isn't the biggest factor here! LOL! I will admit the tired of each other and apathetic issues do happen! If the torture he speaks of is happening all those years, being apathetic isn't the worse part of their issues! Being an 'older' couple isn't the majority either.

Many married couples see the problems, but don't see a way to make things better. The husband feels like a slave at his job. The wife is tired of the husband being crabby all the time. He is tired and just wants to give up in life. Then his wife leaves him and threatens divorce. He wants to kill himself but knows it's not the answer. The wife is taking medication and seeing a psychiatrist. Nothing helps. The wife is emotionally unstable, the husband is overbearing and controlling. The wife lies to her husband to avoid getting in trouble again. The husband does everything he can to make his wife happy, but he just can't get control of his hot temper...and he wants everything done yesterday. Sound familiar? I've just described millions of marriages all across America.

LOL I hate when people generalize like this!

All too often, a wife feels like she just can't seem to do anything right...everything she does is wrong in her husband's eyes. She gets depressed and loses her desire for romance. She no longer wants to clean the house. Her husband gets even angrier because the house is dirty and the garbage stinks. And the situation takes a domino effect downhill. Sadly, divorces often result in such problematic marriages.

I wrote this article to speak to any wives who may be in the situation I just feel like you just can't do anything right in your husband's eyes. Listen ladies, your husband needs you! A husband often gets tired at his job, tired of people, tired of life, even tired of his wife...and this drains his wife's batteries down greatly (if you let it). I'm speaking primarily to wives who stay at home while their husbands work outside the home. There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker, but it's critically important that wives learn to understand their husband's more. Look ladies, you need to keep your head up and help your husband. God created Eve to be Adam's "helpmeet." A wife is to help her husband. When a man comes home tired from work, he should receive a good meal, slippers, a hot bath, etc. Unfortunately, many husbands still find a reason to get angry at the wife. This is horribly wrong, but I believe wives should learn to help their husbands by openly speaking with them instead of hiding their emotions. A wife should kindly confront her husband on his day off when he's not busy and ask him if for some time to talk. Do something nice for him. Then kindly let him know that you feel he's being unfair (or whatever). Communication is critical to a healthy marriage. If he won't listen, then you have a problem that may require counseling.
LOL do you see the one way street here? Ladies need to understand their MEN, but I guess MEN don't need to understand their ladies! There are days - men and ladies - would love the good meal, a hot bath, slippers, etc! Mr. Stewart most ladies DO start to talk to their husbands, and NOT always in combative ways! If you live with a person that you walk around on eggshells with - you tend to find all kinds of ways of approach to see what will WORK! How about you concentrate on the overbearing husband, and not tell others to coddle them! I mean you are trying to get across that we are 'real' men! You don't enable 'real' men nor do you coddle them! When you live with an overbearing person chances are pretty darn good there ISN'T a good way of approaching them! There are alot of men living with overbearing women, and I bet THEY would also tell you the same THING! If the roles were reversed I highly doubt MEN learning more about ladies would help them either! The problem isn't learning about genders - the problem is the overbearing person that feels entitled to his slippers, good meal, and a hot bath without consideration of the other PERSON! Stay at home ladies also work very hard, and its strange to me how you don't mention some 'luxury time' needed by the other party!

Normally when you have overbearing person - he needs individual counseling so he get that in check...THEN you do the marriage counceling to attempt to place the peices back together! That isn't a gender issue either! It would be the same if the gender roles are reversed in your example!

A wife needs to be assertive with her husband. Many wives keep SILENT and hide their fears and frustrations until they snap one day and then leave for weeks or months. That is ridiculous and wrong. A wife should not get into the habit of abandoning her husband. You mothers tell your daughter to stay home where she belongs. Cut the umbilical cord mom. Learn to talk with your husband. Being ASSERTIVE is not insubordination. You have every right as a wife to speak your mind in a proper way. And by the way, the husband has absolutely no right to verbally degrade and insult his wife. Many husbands are guilty of verbal abuse. God pity the man who continually mistreats his wife. God created Eve from Adam's rib, the nearest thing to Adam's heart. Eve wasn't created from Adam's feet to be trodden upon, nor from Adam's head to have dominion over her husband. No, Eve was created from the nearest bone to Adam's heart...a rib. A husband is commanded by God to love his wife; but if the husband isn't as loving as he should be at times, the wise wife will exercise some understanding and try to alleviate his frustrations. It's your job ladies to "help" your husbands in any way you can.

Many PEOPLE (not just women) keep silent around a person that is 'overbearing' as you put it! They have tried to approach many times only to get slapped down! If they go to the church they are normally counseled to 'deal with themselves' which isn't bad advice, except no one addresses the behavior causing the issues! Normally when someone is that overbearing they have insecurity issues for some reason! It could have formed from childhood, and the overbearing person I'm sure just LOVES your article! They are OFF the HOOK! Mr. Stewart where is the bible does it state to just learn to COPE with sin? Where does God as us to do that in this context? IT doesn't! It doesn't say allow you husband to sin because he had a bad day, or he tends to be overbearing! It doesn't say LET HIM SLIDE! Chances are very good that the ladies you are addressing have done just that, and things got WORSE! You see when you ignore the sin - where is the incentive to stop? Placing boundaries down, and stating what will happen if he refuses to get help and attempts some changes is loving and helping her mate! He lives in a world of anger, and unless he does something to change that.......he always WILL!

I wrote this article because it's time for Christian wives to become smarter than the average bear. Too many foolish women run out the door, run to shelters, cry wolf, and make a mountain out of a molehill. It would be much better if wives would exercise a little understanding and be much more patient with their tired, nagging, and unloving husband. The woman's fantasy of a prince charming who never gets mad, never complains, never looks at another woman, never smells, never burps, never does something wrong is just that...a fantasy. Men are sinners just like women. We are all prone to anger and rebellion against God (Ephesians 2:1-2). Even for Christians who have found the Lord, life can be extremely difficult. Being a Christian doesn't guarantee an easier life, but it's better because you can look to the Lord Jesus Christ for guidance and strength.

What Mr. Steward doesn't realize is that he is enabling an abuser to keep abusing when shaming the abused party in this fashion! It would be much better if husbands would exercise a little understanding and patience with their families, and got the help they needed so they could live up to what scripture calls for in a husband! No one has to coddle or ignore or attempt to understand SINFUL behavior! Running out the door to a shelter isn't crying WOLF! If she had to go to a shelter - there is more there than just learning tolerance a bad spirited man!

All I'm saying in this article ladies a lot more patient with your husband. It is your God-ordained duty to help him. It's your husband's duty to protect and provide for you. Learn to talk about things together, and not attack each other. It's ok to agree to disagree. That's true for husbands and wives too you know. Husbands and wives should allow each other room to live, space to be who they want to be. No husband should smother his wife, but it often happens. I knew a woman who cried because her husband painted the inside of the house mostly black...she hated it. A loving husband wouldn't have done that, but would have allowed his wife to pick the color since she is the one looking at it most of the time. He simply didn't think about her. That is selfish and wrong.

You know what else is selfish and wrong? Someone stating that it is a person's GOD ORDAINED duty to cope with SIN! Its funny how this author can name, and attempts to NOT justify the behavior.....but tells the other party to just DEAL WITH IT! Its the husband's JOB to love the wife! If she feels loved - she will go out of her way to honor her man! You see how that works? I'm talking in relationships when we are dealing with normal, healthy people! If you have an overbearing husband or wife - the above equation isn't going to happen! That overbearing person needs to DEAL with their sin, and the spouse needs to enlist help to make sure he or she DOES that also! At times you can't get that horse to water, and if it gets worse (in most cases it does) you separate until such time that person decides they are going to do what it takes to help themselves! Its isn't the other spouses ISSUE if they have no self control! Its very loving and healthy to remove yourself from awful situations if they refuse the help they need! God does command men to love and provide, and I don't see you addressing the fact that in your article is NOT doing that very well!
Don't get tired ladies. If you feel that everything you do is wrong (and it may be to your husband), take it with a grain of salt. You know that God is happy with your performance. You know whether you're doing a good job or not. Your husband may criticize you, but YOU KNOW if it's legitimate or not. Please don't misunderstand me here, I think you should confront your husband in a loving way if you think he's being unfair or abusive. All I'm saying is that a wife should learn not to take it so seriously when her husband criticizes her if it's obvious that he's tired or having a rough time. Men get frustrated easily ladies, we just don't have the patience that you ladies do. We want everything done yesterday. We like to say things like, "Get to the point" or "I don't have all day." We shouldn't say things like that to our wives, but sometimes we do. Have mercy on us ladies. Again, I'm not trying to justify any wrongdoing by an overbearing husband, I'm simply saying that a wife could greatly "help" her husband by not allowing her feelings to get hurt when it should be obvious that he just came home from a jungle out there. It's going to happen. So when you're feeling that you just can't do anything right, please keep in mind that you were created by God to help your husband.

LOL HERE we go again! Ladies you see men have no self control! If you realize that then you won't get so frustrated! WRONG! That isn't loving your wife as God commands you to do! Learning patience is loving your wife! Learning self control so you don't get so frustrated over life is loving your wife! You are justifying wrong doing Mr. Stewart - I hate to tell YA! Men have more responsibilities according to scripture, and you are telling ladies to just ignore that part! ITS just the way we are! Guess what? Ladies aren't wired to accept abuse because you feel it is needed! God doesn't ask people to cope with sin! He tells us to rid ourselves of it doesn't he? THAT includes the overbearing behavior that people have!

Its a jungle at home (as a housewife) also Mr. Stewart! It gets really bad when you have grown adult that comes home, and acts worse the kids do! Is that loving your wife? NOPE! God doesn't ask her to cope with that either! He calls for men to take charge of themselves! If that means accountability partner - get it! If that means you must go and get professional help - GET IT! A man is to love his wife as he loves himself! Constant bad behavior isn't loving of oneselve! The men should do something about that!

Abusive people have roots within them that they can't control! Sitting around being nice and ignoring their behavior isn't going help! If you feel threatened then find someone that will help you confront the person! Make sure you have some place to go incase it gets ugly! Mr. Stewart may not know about that part! I don't think he would give this advice if he did! I'm sure he had good intentions, but enabling or coping with bad behavior is SIN! Calling them on it, and finding ways of helping them to help themselves is the loving way! There is no excuse about "it just the way we are wired!" because no one is wired to accept the treatment! God didn't wire people to be overbearing and dominating either! That is not the Godly spirit that God intends!

Everyone can be ugly on occasion, but when they are routinely - its not the spouse that has the issue! This isn't a gender issue either - the same goes for everyone!

I will leave you with this scripture:

Mark 10:43-45 This, however, is not the way it is among you. If one of you wants to be great, you must be the servant of the rest; 44 and if one of you wants to be first, you must be the slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served; he came to serve and to give his life to redeem many people."

Does that remotely sound like God is asking the leaders of the homes to demand that their members COPE with their sin? Both genders are to serve the other - not ignore their sin because that is the WAY we are! This type of writing is enabling bad behavior, and is rooted in fear of actually visualizing the truth! I think its highly irresponsibile of people write on this subject, and hold must of the burden on the receiving end of bad behavior!

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Anonymous said...

AARGH! Is this guy for real?
Unfortunately it is all too real for those of us who have been around the church for long. I have heard all this garbage and as far as I am concerned it is further abuse.
I think my Christian therapist would freak if I took his advice and started drawing hot baths and slippers. Are you kidding me? You don't teach someone their control doesn't work by rewarding it.

Hannah on 3:31 PM said...

I'm glad I am not the only one that thinks that like!

At times I think people enable them to continue. I would guess because they don't know how to approach it. They need to change their focus a little.

K.A.Hernandez on 6:29 PM said...

I got so angry when I read this.
I was once a Christian wife. I was ENCOURAGED by my church family (divorce is a sin) to stay with my husband and "try to work things out" and accused, ever so sutbley of not having any "faith" in God if I wasn't in prayer everyday over the abuse I was taking and that God would and COULD heal my husband. Two things that were not told to me in a realistic and I believe GOD given way 1. FREE WILL. God will NEVER interefere with someone's free will. He chose to abuse me. He chose to continue no matter how many prayers I sent up. It was also worth looking at my own past issues, a far deeper journey that God wanted me to take than the abuse that I did. 2. Adultery. LEt's look at that. If the marriage has abuse, the spouse has already ADULTERATED it. No man has to go outside of his marriage to adulterate it. Withholding sex, affection and love adulterates the marriage and breaks the bond, of which I believe the bible EXPLICITLY gives permission to divorce. a lack of faithfulness. I wonder if anyone has bothered to see it from that angle? There are SO many women who are disgustingly submissive to a man who is so sick. It makes HER sick and it impedes upon ANYONE"S walk with the Lord. One cannot grow in a sick marriage. There are FAR too many narcissistic creeps that walk in our churches and sit in our pews beside us. If you believe that God is good, which I do, you must also believe that there is an equal amount of evil, even in the church, my friends. Even with a spouse. And he can sit in highest of places in the church. I know that one too. A false self concocted for the sake of a Christian, Godly, great husband/father image. What a BUNCH of hooey!!!!!!!

I am STILL in the process of healing and it has been eight YEARS since I separated from this man and I'm telling you here that I have NO problem with divorcing him now either. The only thing that has been a hinderance to me at all is money. My life and my children's lives have all benefitted from NOT living in the same household with this man. Once I kicked him out of my house, he rarely called his children, while when at home, professed to be such a loving, wonderful father. That was all image related and there are some women out there that believe this garbage and the garbage of others (even some well meaning) and sit in abuse for years and years. I cannot tell you how damaging this is.

The lack of empathy is the key in these men who are so good at manipulating the church, the wives, the children and the neighbors who never see him engage in his sick and disgusting behaviors.

It is very sad to me that the Christian community is so tied into the superficial meanings of scripture, quoting this to abusive women, without ONCE delving deeper.

God is a multifaceted diamond,I believe, of which the many facets we will NEVER see........and you can see even less when you are abused. You see God and scripture and etc, threw the skewed perceptions of others who do not understand the absolute HELl of living wiht someone who is so abusive but who is SO good at looking great in public.

Think about it.

Hannah on 9:20 AM said...

There is an article on Focus Ministries website homepage. Its called, Submission by Design" (I believe). Its a 8 page paper that speaks about the push for submission while living within an abusive marriage. It was very well done, and to be honest it would be great reading for those that push "stay no matter what" parties. Their link to the website is on the side of our blog!

I don't personally understand where the people in these articles are coming from, and they did frustrate me when I read this thread..thus the me posting it LOL!

Abuse was hard for me to shallow at the beginning myself, and then it took alot of time to understand the dynamics. I tend to be a little to logical for my own good, and it was hard to wrap my mind around it. I started the blog for myself, as I searched for articles and resources that I felt 'got it'. Its sad to say how hard it is to find good material. Society as a whole has a hard time shallowing abuse within the real realm, but I have found within the church you have an extra HUGE barrier!

It is very sad to me that the Christian community is so tied into the superficial meanings of scripture, quoting this to abusive women, without ONCE delving deeper.

That was the reason I started the blog, and I agree with you! If they bothered to look deeper they may see things different. Personally, I think its fear because they wouldn't have the answers they have now.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for writing this.

Anonymous said...

He obviously doesn't know what Jesus taught at all. It seems he is stuck on the legalism set up by men to rule over women. Christian pastors still have a tendency to put women in a role that they were created just to serve men. This does not come from God and futhermore, It is not the words Jesus spoke. Women and men are created equal and in the image of God. Jesus did say divorce was allowed because of the hardened hearts. I'd say that applies to being abused wouldn't you?
Another thing that we have to remember is that because of the lack of knowledge and understanding of men since the beginning of time, men have belittled women and have made it the (norm) that women are to be under them. Even in the world's view with the fact that men are to be (head of the household) and the fact that women take the man's name when getting married. Who came up with this junk? Carry on the family name? Get real who decided how that should be decided?
The point is, most Christians don't even get that God's ways are not the world's ways and the rules and idealisms are man made.
It is not women's duty to bow down to a man in any way.
Men should respect women and then they will gain respect.

Now the argument will be that it is told in scripture that women should submit to their husbands.
Once again you have to remember the history and the times that they lived in when Paul wrote this. Once again, (not words Jesus spoke!)
You must pray for discernment and not build rules on man made ideas.

God also allowed women to fight for the rights in this world and freedoms. Is that any different than the fact that people had to fight against slavery? No!
What would happen if the confederats still tried to enslave a black man after he was awarded his freedom or if they were still made to ride in the back of buses in todays time?
Now do you get it?
Do you think a perfect God would really ever say this type of pride in man was ok? No!
doesn't that point towards the same evil that caused the fall in the first place?
By the way, that is why men try to have control over women. They still blame Eve. (lack of knowledge and understanding) and once again written by man.
God gives the gifts of the spirit so you can have discernment,insight,and wisdom.
Still, many Christians don't even believe this.
Without the Holy spirit, they will continue to hang on man made laws.

As long as men continue to see women as not equals, the more they will abuse them.

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