Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Triggers of grieve .... treasures of love.

Posted by Hannah at 7:26 PM

This is off the normal subject, but I felt it was important for all. I normally try to find sources of encouragement, and avenues to hurt - thus the links to the articles I have supplied. I wanted to share something from me today.

I was reading on another board about how people should slow down and remember cherished loved ones, and express how much they mean to you when you can. Life gets so busy and messy at times, and at times you get so caught in things you take your life for granted.

Since my father died and I had to go thru all those old photo albums to pick out pictures for his service it reminded me how fast life goes. I remember coming home from my mother's house and going thru my own albums and taking out a couple of pictures of my kids when they were babies and toddlers. Cute little pictures that would mean nothing to some - and maybe not even good pictures to others - and I taped them up on desk. I stare at them everyday now. WHen my kids come down all mad and bent out of shape from fighting with their sibling, or coming down elated with joy over something that happened at school I think of those pictures. The baby fat disappeared, and the diapers thrown out and there stands that very special little person in front of me. I have been trying very hard to make sure I say something really special to them everyday. If my time comes tommorrow I want to be sure those two little stinkers know their mom loved them so much. They are special people and always will be.

I went and spend the night with my mother yesterday after her procedure. I got her all taken care of, and I'm walking around this house that I spent my teens years in. I'm looking around and I see things that reminded me of dear old Dad. We had a special relationship, and we also had some mud thrown in there also. He was far from perfect and he certainly did some really mean things at times. I remember when I was nearing my twenties and Dad had mellowed with the years he actually took me aside and apologied for not being the best he could be. Acknowledged some of the things he had done that wouldn't be placed on the father hall of fame section. Since that time he never did shy away from his mistakes, and never denied the uglies of the past. I knew as a child he loved me because he told me regular. LOL but at times he could be very cruel. I admired him for coming to me and telling me he screwed up, and that he didn't want me walking out of his life because he so treasured me. He always made me feel treasured - esplly later in life. That took guts! That took character! Not to many people can do that! Right before he died I went to see my folks and we were having just normal chit chat! Dad decided that afternoon he was going to sing my praises as a person. He went on and on and on! LOL! I was getting to point of being a little uncomfortable because I had no clue where this was coming from. My mother caught on I was uncomfortable, and kind of hinted at "why are you going on and on?" He said because he could now and wouldn't be able to later! He wanted me to know. Dad died a couple of weeks later.

I think back on my life and of my kids lifes. I know I have screwed up as well. I know their Dad isn't the only negative factor in their lifes. I know I could have done better, and I could have strived for more. Why I didn't - lots of reason I guess. Some good - some not so good. I hope I did okay most of the time. I am reminded that my kids think something good of me when they come to me with some things they would never share with anyone else. I guess I am safe to them. At least I hope so.

We get all caught up in the abuse of our lifes. We get all caught up in the issues of PSTD, and triggers, and detaching and not engaging, etc. We dream of this happier life we would like to have, and all the mistakes we made in choicing our paths. We tend to dwell on the negatives to much at times. LOL at least I do! I do my best to pull myself up, and then I remember I have others I need to pull up also.

Remember to make sure your "others" in your life know how much they mean to you. Give them the memory I had that afternoon my father was embrassing the heck of out me! LOLOLOL! I'm sure we all tell our children they are loved! Just remember to tell them WHY they are loved! Give them examples of HOW they are great! Show them HOW they are special! Embarrass the heck out of them! LOL it will do them good later believe me! I want to embarrass my kids so they will remember. If a car strikes me and kills me tommorrow my kids will know they were the most special creatures to me on the face of this earth! I know it will give them some comfort later on. Dad handed me that comfort! Just wanted to mention we need to give others this as well.

Sorry........I guess I am in my mushy zone today! That post on the other board really stuck a cord. I sit here with tears running down my face - I miss dad - but it is a good kind of missing. Remember to give others those memories. They mean so much later - believe me!

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