Egalitarian Beliefs neuter gender differences?

Example of Neuter Gender Differences

One thing that tends to come up ever so often that I can never seem to wrap my head around is the concept about people wanting to 'neuter' gender differences.

How is that possible - to neuter gender differences?  It isn't as far as I know.

By the time we are a young child we tend to realize the differences, and everyone acknowledges them for the rest of our lives.  There is no way to 'neuter' this.

I have to admit some complementarian views do make me giggle when they speak about egalitarians views of the human race.  I realize it makes others upset, but to me its so ridiculous I find it rather humorous.

You see, when people are truly committed and consistent egalitarians, they have to defend their denial of essential differences. In doing so, they will advocate a education system in the home, church, and society which neutralizes any assumption of differences between the sexes. In doing so, men will not be trained to be “men” since there is really no such thing. Women will not be encouraged to be “women” since there is no such thing. The assumption of differences becomes a way to oppress society and marginalize, in their estimation, one sex for the benefit of the other. Once we neutralize these differences, we will have neutered society and the family due to a denial of God’s design in favor of some misguided attempt to promote a form of equality that is neither possible nor beneficial to either sex.

First of all I don't know WHERE they get the idea that egalitarians deny essential differences.  Its like the picture I found today, and added the text about being 'genderless'.  Yep!  Egalitarians deny gender differences, because we see people walking the earth as genderless blobs.  I mean seriously?  How completely silly to even go there.

Now this theory mentioned above would make sense if egalitarians denied the obvious difference - genatila. If that was possible for some I think everyone would admit maybe its time to be admitted in a center for mental health!

Merry Christmas!

I loved this Christmas Video, and I wanted to share with everyone!





I pray that you all have a blessed holiday! Hannah

Think the Best of Them!

My last post I wrote about an article I had found online that did a book review for 'No Place For Abuse".

I received a comment, and additional issues started to pop into my head.  How regular advice turns into actual enabling of the abusive relationship.  Here is the excellent comment in question.

Hannah, a supportive friend sent me that article before I left my abusive relationship. At that time, I was thrilled that a Christian article endorsed separation, because my advice was that I could not or should not separate.

But reading another article on the site (gotquestions.org) about divorce for abuse concerned me. Although there isn't anywhere to respond or comment, there are contact details so you can write to them. That's what I did, and my concerns were exactly what you referred to. It is incredible how people dismiss the experience of the abused victim and deny her the right to judge or observe the abusers' changes. Her safety is also discounted, with the recommendation to reconcile taking priority as soon as things look "safe". There is no acknowledgment of the abusive cycle, or the manipulative tactics involved.

But the great thing is that I saw the recommendation for that book and being new to all of this, I was hungry. One thing led to another, and I slowly gained more information and insight to abusive behavior, and eventually separated.

Thanks for your post - if only more people challenged the type of thinking propagated by that article.

Thank you Anonymous!

If there is one thing I see over and over again on advice to victims is to 'think the best' of their abuser.

Concentrate on the good things.

Look at the positives.  

I think you get my drift here.

Victim Mindset

The victim mindset is normally geared to 'think about the positive' aspects of their abuser.  At times they go to great lengths to place themselves in a negative light JUST so their abuser is thought about in a better one.

They are willing throw themselves 'under the bus' as the saying goes for the benefit of the abuser.

People that claim they understand the power and control aspect of domestic violence within the church?  They tend to take the assets and debits at face value. They don't see this as part of the cycle, and yet again they show how little they truly do know.

What people tend to do when victims point out NOT so nice things about their partner?  They apply stereotypes towards them.  They are being to negative, and can't think of nice things to say.  They need to take their 'black and white' view of things off for a moment, and stop viewing things as they are cutting the spouse down, being negative, etc.

If everyone has to be so 'nicey nice' all the time is it any wonder why people don't go to the church before things get really bad?

People get so caught up with this 'preconceived' ideas that if someone states one thing in frustration or anger they are half the issue.  They aren't thinking enough of the good traits of the spouse.  Victims like most people will either 'own' the fact they are awful person for even showing that 'disrespect', or will get defensive because most people only hear and deal with one nasty portion they mentioned and nothing else.

It may seem easy to most to 'stick' to negative thinking about your spouse, because we hear church ranting and raving about that all the time.  Victims at times will actually do this as well, but if you look beyond the surface stuff?  The coping mechanism most of the time is doing just the opposite - think the best and make excuses for them.  They may at times voice their frustration, but most of the time their 'self talk' goes in the opposite direction.

Victims throw out surface stuff to see what the reaction will be. It like sticking your toe into the water to see how COLD it is!

They are a good parent, but when they drink they get nasty.

They are good spouse, but tend to be very jealous if someone even looks at me - or I at them.   

The reactions I see a lot:

Are you both Christians?  Have you spoke to your pastor?  Are you counseling?  What is your definition of 'drink to much'?  Is their infidelity in your past, and is that why they are jealous? Are they stressed at work?  What are doing to serve your partner so they don't go there in their thoughts?  You need to make sure you don't concentrate to much on the bad stuff, and remember they are good parent and spouse!  If you spend to much time in the negative aspects you will be come hard hearted, and you will make them react worse!

Ever notice how advice tends to border line encouragement of codependency?

Alot of the times victims have a hard time even getting to 'but' part of the sentence, and when they are brave enough to finally do that?  People around them already have this 'image' of the abusive person in their head, and they just can't fathom that the extreme negative aspects that victims tend to 'hint' at.

You said they were a good parent/spouse, so maybe you are taking this to far!

WAFFLING

Waffling is a term people use about victims going back and forth over being 'angry' at their circumstance, or feeling 'sorry' for the abuser.  We all need empathy, but victims tend to take it to far.  If they would just be 'nicer' or 'more understanding' the abuser won't abuse.

If I follow the recommendations of the police that filed a restraining order?  My partner will get more depressed.  They will get angry with me.  They may lose their job.  I just want someone to help me, and to help them!  If I would have just kept my mouth shut that night he/she wouldn't have been arrested, and I wouldn't be in this place.  I made things worse.  What happens with the children?  They are scared, but they love him/her also.  They may blame me.  Is it my fault?  Why does he/she do this?

What they miss is balance.  They are so confused that they are indecisive and can't make up their minds.

This may be a trait that some have had all their lifes in dealing with relationships, or the abuser fostered this to use to their advantage. Waffling is helpful the abuser, because it is a aspect they can use to get themselves off the hook regarding accountability.   Doubt is a aspect abusers use as a weapon, and have no problems turning it around to their advantage.

People may be incapable of decisions at the beginning, but with help and support that can turn around.

People that try to help support victims and their families tend to miss the 'waffling' aspect of this.

Its a lingering aspect that is part of the power and control cycle that people claim they understand, and this is one aspect where they show their ignorance by not connecting the dots.

The waffling is a by product of the abusive relationship, and a tool the abuser used to keep them in their 'place'.  Abusive people will use this to their advantage, because confusion can easily be used as a 'power over' aspect.

Think only the Best of Them!

This is another red hot area people completely dismiss within the abusive relationships.  "Thinking the Best of Them' has been used as a coping mechanism for the relationship itself.  Victims use this all the time just to be able to deal with their reality.  They forever are making up excuses for their abusers actions, and only focusing on the positive in order to live in denial with all they have within them.

Thinking the best of someone can be enabling instead of helpful to victims.  This advice is good when you are dealing with a healthy couple, but with an abusive one?  You are asking the victim to use a coping tool they have used for a long time, because mentioning anything BUT the good can be dangerous.

They may have brought up things in the past 'softly', and it was turned around on them.  Abusers show them - because they are incapable processing anything negative about themselves - that they brought things up wrong, its actually the victim issue not them, or if you don't like it get f*ck out!

Helping parties don't realize their 'Think the best of Them' is received the same way.  You have now placed them in the corner, and they are ready for the attack.

In it's true form, Enabling behavior means something positive. It's our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.

However, when we apply it to certain problems in living - domestic violence, financial trouble, codependency, certain forms of chronic depression -- enabling behaviors have the reverse effect of what is intended.

Victims tend to 'look for the good aspects' so they don't have to deal with the ones that are dangerous.

Victims don't need to 'think the best of them', because they could hand you volumes of information on that subject.

They need help with dealing with the not so nice parts.  

They can give you all kinds of excuses for the behavior as well, because it has been drilled into them.  The Abuser's bad childhood, their drug, drink, or p#rn habits.  They have an awful boss, and their family doesn't cooperate.  Abusers basically drill into victims they are the 'true victims'.  They can't help themselves.  The victims role is to make their world safe and comfortable - anything less?  They failed at their job once again.

To think the BEST of them is another advantage people hand over to the abuser with the power and control cycle.

The abusers will tell them they don't think enough of the GOOD stuff, and their behavior is the end product of that.  They basically hint that even others know victims are pushing their buttons, and why can't they grasp their abusive behavior is a reaction to such.

If you would THINK the best of me like everyone says?  You would forgive and forget!  Since you can never do that you are actually 'abusing' me!  Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?  Everyone knows how selfish you are!

People assume because they can identify the difference EVERYONE can!  They don't apply the 'abusive dynamic mindset', and use normal healthy thinking instead.

When parties that wish to help they must place the normal family dynamics to the side.  There is always an ugly twist to those that abusers use to their advantage, and you will miss your opportunity if you can't separate the two.

Waffling and "Thinking the best of them" are tools of survival within the abusive relationship.  People not able to identify the unhealthy use of these aspects?  They will not help anyone, but will allow the abuser to have the upper hand once again.

No Place For Abuse

One of the very first faith related books I read on domestic violence within the church was 'No Place For Abuse' by Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark.  I was reminded again about this book, but I was far from crazy about the description or review.

I remember I was flooded at the time with mixed messages within the faith community that I couldn't figure out WHAT was WHAT!  It was clear to me right away that most didn't realize the impact this has on everyone involved.  I remember doing searches for domestic violence in the church, and very little besides the list of abusive behaviors was present at that time.

Thankfully, that has changed in some ways today.  I started this blog at the time, because I wanted to keep track of what 'little' material there was available.

I looked for this book on Amazon today, and the book cover is different now.  Focus Ministries  sent this to me after I spoke with them on the phone.  I remember soaking it all in, and actually doing a google search for both the authors - Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark.

I found a blog today, and I didn't see an option to respond to the article.  What is the Christian answer to domestic violence? was the name of the article.

The reason the article bothered me so much is parts of it are NOT something the book would recommend, or even went close to mentioning.

What this shows me is that people are more than happy to recommend books for domestic violence in the church, but never bother reading the book themselves.   

People that don't understand domestic violence, and yet offer a description with a recommendation for a book?  If they haven't read it they need to say so.  Otherwise, their recipient of the book will get confused once they read the book, and then compare that to the description that this author offered.  In the case of the article I linked to?  Its a very poor representation of the book, and in the eyes of victim not very inviting at all.

The goal of the book is show God's value towards victims/abusers, and how to deal with domestic violence within the church.  It tends to go against the wording of the article in question, and you have wonder if the author of this article would be 'offended' once they actually DID read it!

Why?  Its not that the material is offensive, but people don't seem to place their 'abuse dynamic' hat on prior to the discussion.

They see ways of handling domestic violence within the Christian home with the same lense as 'normal family dynamics'.  There are circumstances when dealing with domestic violence in which you can't do that, because the two can't mix!  If you don't realize this?  Chances are very good your 'help' will make things worse, and this never even dawned on them I'm pretty certain.

In the very first paragraph?  It starts out right away with the husband's role of authority or head position.  What the recommending party doesn't seem to realize?  Those comments right away with be taken as a hammer over the person's head.  You don't need to tell the abused party that their spouse has authority over them.  You don't need to tell them he is HEAD!

Chances are very good he has been using those scriptures as weapons, and his abusive responses are due to people NOT respecting that office.  The husband's role has already been drilled into the woman as 'earned' once her performance is acceptable to him.  Reminding her again of his role, and then throwing in a couple of scripture on HIS role?  They don't seem to understand it will not be taken as they intended.

It will trigger them back into terrorizing memories.  So far you aren't taking her to a good place!

Within a relationship of domestic violence there is always a 'power and control' aspect.  People that are NOT familiar with the dynamics of domestic violence?  They seem to think they understand it, but the followup and comments clearly show their understanding is not present.

I realize people love to MOCK the words 'power and control', but that generally is because they don't know what it is.  YES of course I realize they THINK they do!

If people truly in their hearts of hearts WISH to help?  They will learn to understand what the term 'power and control' outside of some LIST of behaviors you find in trying to explain aspects of it.  They lists are helpful to a point.  You need to recognize the application of it. 

The dynamics of power and control are the same no matter whom is the victim or abuser is. Its a key ingredient to any aspect of abuse - emotional, verbal, spiritual, etc.  It doesn't matter if the abuser is male, female or even a child.  That power and control is a habitual pattern within the relationship.  If people can't recognize this?  They will not do the family any good at all no matter how awesome their willingness is to help.

They basically will be trying to show people how to make bread without the flour in their ingredients list.  Seriously!

The article has some good scripture to present, and I'm not saying that is not applicable.  The presentation shows to me the person whom 'copy and pasted' this article truly didn't do their homework.

Victims of domestic violence need to be protected, even moved temporarily to a safe place if necessary. If a wife is being abused by her husband, she needs to separate herself from him while he receives treatment for his violence. Once a Bible-believing Christian counselor has deemed it appropriate for the couple to reunite, they should make every effort to reconcile and live in peace, while continuing marriage and/or family counseling.

You know what this would tell me years ago?  It would tell me I'm not safe with this person.  Their agenda is to get my back home with him - the very thing he wants as well.  They are double teaming me, and I feel intimidated.  It doesn't recognize the true fear, terror, and broken trust within the relationship. 

1)  Moved if necessary?  Anyone that is 'serious' about domestic violence, and protecting all the family members wouldn't word it like this.  To the victim they are already showing the 'doubt' of their true reality, and they have uphill battle already with trying to convince them of the danger within their lives.  I don't think people want to send that signal if they are serious about helping.

2)  Anyone that has worked with abusers or victims of domestic violence knows that both parties are going to need separate types of help.

3)  The victim is truly the one that needs to 'deem' it appropriate for reconciliation.  I'm not saying counselor's aren't involved with this process, but the counselor shouldn't be the one in authority over that decision.  The experienced counselor with domestic violence is more likely to take those cues from victims.

Its been shown that abusers can manipulate the system, and sadly most that aren't properly trained miss truly important signals.  Trained means more than reading some articles or books.  There even has been trained professionals that will admit they were snowed as well, so its not as easy as some think it is.

Abusers have a lifetime experience in this area, and have found what works.  They have trained themselves to be the best of con man for lack of a better description.  They didn't get this way overnight, and they function well with others at times due to the nature of the con man ways.  Charm, Friendly, etc.  There almost always is motive behind it.

To continue, if pressure is placed upon the victim/s to reconcile before they are ready?  Get ready for things to blow up in your face.  It's not uncommon for them NOT to return to these sources of help when additional issues arise.

They have proven themselves unsafe.  They told me I had to go back when I wasn't ready, and now I'm in danger again.   I don't know if I should risk giving them a chance once again.  They didn't listen to me the first time.

On the other hand:  Some victims will stay put up and take additional abuse, and the abuser this time goes to lengths to make sure it isn't brought into the open.  Victims will feel this is their burden to carry, and their abuser makes sure to isolate them enough that reaching out for help again would be very dangerous for them.

Abusers love to mock the victims about how no one believed them.  How they took their side.  How they think they are nuts, weak, and blowing things out of proportion.   They fell for his game, and they remind the victim they can do it again.  If they have to do this again?  The victim knows they will pay dearly.

Sadly, I truly feel most don't realize the extent of the damage that is done.  The trust is not there, and there is fear present when wondering if trust is even possible.  Most people don't seem to realize there is GOOD reason for that.

They love the abuser most of the time, but they also know how dangerous they can be.  Most of the time?  The people 'wanting' to help don't take their word for it.  Its strange how others seem to think they know the spouse MORE than the partner isn't it?

To be fair?  I'm sure its due to dynamics within the relationship that they can't relate to at all.  They need to place that to the side, because domestic violence doesn't make sense most of the time.

Lets take an example OFF the top of my head!  Spouse comes home from work, and the children have this lego town they want to show him!  He decides to join in the fun!  Next day, we walks in and kicks the legos across the room because EVERYONE knows he doesn't like a mess when he gets home.

The surprising aspect is NO the members of the family don't know which mood he will be when he gets home.  Its surprise.  One of terror or normal family life.  They can't grasp the 'no prior warning' aspect of this.  lol can't blame them!

Helpers at times make victims feel worse by reminding them they are due love and respect the abuser.  How they need to think of more GOOD things about their abuser.  I'm not say do the opposite and have an abuser hater party okay?  People always tend to go there, and that is NOT what people are saying!

This period of separation is to make them feel safe.  They need to be encouraged, uplifted, and made to feel they are worth love.  That God doesn't wish them to be abused.  You are talking about someone that may have a lousy sense of self worth.   They blame themselves for the abuse.  They don't feel they have the right to be safe, and say NO to further abuse.

Telling them to FEEL the good aspects of the abuser like we are asked to in healthy relationships?  It doesn't have the same result.  They can tell you the good aspects of the abuser - everyone has them!  You need to show and guide them how to deal with the bad ones.  That would be asset to them.  Asking them JUST to look at the good?  How does that make dealing with the abusive dynamic better?  To say they might get to negative if you don't use this approach?  This naive helper needs to pass the baton to someone else.  No offense.  Victims tend to use that exercise to often to cope with abuse, and you don't enable them to continue to use it.  Think about how effective its been so far!  When they start to blame themselves for the abuse?  You will catch my drift - believe me!

We also need to make sure they have a safe avenue to voice their anger.  They have stuffed feelings good and bad for years.  They were not allowed feelings.  It may at first be caustic, or even at times a slow simmer.  Some say things you may be surprised at, because once they feel safe to voice their anger?  All those times they cowarded in the corner, knew they were in danger, wonder if they would ever be safe, and all those recordings of the ugly, nasty things the abuser said and have done may surface.

They need to be allowed to let them surface, even at first when you feel it maybe unhealthy.  The rage will settle down in time.

There is a big difference between allowing the toxic ick to get out of your system, compared to those parties that tend to allow themselves to marinade in it.  We are working for the FIRST!

Let them get mad and allow them to mourn.  YOU are suppose to be the safe one, and be careful about correcting them at this stage.  They may know its wrong, but the overwhelming sensation after stuffing things down for years?  At times its better to let them get it out of their system.  You might be surprised at additional evil things that happened in that home during these periods.  Things you may have never know about.  It will help for the future.  You will get a better grasp on whom you are dealing with.  Anger at times allows those things to come out into the open when they feel its safe to do so.

Reconcilation

This is the stage that people tend to RUSH.  WELL if the victim doesn't hurry up and make up their mind the abuser may just give UP!

They never stop to think that this doesn't show true change does it?  The process isn't done for the abuser to feel more comfortable.  It's a longer process than most are willing to deal with, and sadly they rush it and make things worse.

With abusive personalities they may wish to RUSH to repent.  Its almost like tearing off the bandaid quickly to get it over with.  Humbling themselves to help in the healing process for the victims at times is almost intolerable for abusers.  Some are sadly incapable of it - its to much to bear.

We need to keep in mind in order to heal they have no true choice in the matter.  They MUST go there!

They are quick to remind everyone we already went over this material once we don't need to do this again.

Human healing doesn't work that way, and to be perfectly honest with you?  THAT is why you get the push to reconciliation.

They can control those conversations more with you OUT of the picture.  If they see you getting SCARED he/she will abandon the process?  They know what button to push, and you are enabling them to do just that when it turns to pressure towards the victim.  They are playing you like a fiddle!

Sadly, some they do abandon the relationship.  They may continue to terrorize the family, but they also look for a new victim.  Their abusive patterns tend to start all over again.  Its easier for them to find a victim then to change their ways.  They don't see the incentive for them.

The "What's in it for me?" part isn't good enough.  They may whine they wish their family back, but in reality they want the power and control back.  It's addictive, and they never have enough. 

This paragraph makes you feel this 'rush' in the presentation.

This is only possible if both parties are willing to commit their lives to Christ and make God the head of their household. They should find a local Bible-teaching Christian church, and commit themselves to membership. They should also find spiritually mature Christians who are willing to disciple them either individually or in a small group. The benefits to this are many, including accountability for their actions. “The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you” (Psalm 9:9-10).

You get the impression from the above paragraph that neither party has done this - Committing their live to Christ.  We see in families all the time when one spouse has this strong commitment, and the other either doesn't or has long their way.

This type of approach is very offensive.  Most of the time the victims stay due to their 'commitment' to Christ, and the abuser stays because it has benefits for them.

I'm sure a good church can benefit people, but again you need to be SURE that the victim is comfortable with the abuser being there.  That may not always be the most wise thing having them together at the time.  Accountability WITH the abuser is not recommended either.  You are placing the family in a very dangerous spot.

“The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you” (Psalm 9:9-10).

God is our corner HOW TRUE!

We can not help others dealing with domestic violence with this almost ''happily ever after' mentality you see coming from the church.  They seem to deal with things in formulas.

IF you have enough faith things will work out.
IF you love and respect your abuser they will return those things to you.
If you follow our counsel instead of questioning it your marriage will be restored.
IF you would just go back to them so they don't fear you will leave them.
Etc.

Life doesn't always work with formulas.  At times we must sadly allow the abuser to go on their way.  The bible states that some will never follow.  At times victims are to afraid to allow their abusers close again.  We need to show them comfort to help get them over the fear, and not shame them for this.

Waneta Dawn wrote a book called, Behind the Hedge.  If you are like most that tend to learn more by watching or observing behaviors or dynamics?  This would be a good book for you, and it shows the struggles of all parties involved.  I have a good description of it in my recommended reading section.

Its sad whom ever wrote the review for this good book didn't bother reading it.  I would recommend, "No Place for Abuse"