Friday, June 13, 2008

These are some of the common things most abusers say

Posted by Hannah at 7:23 AM

I was reading today, and I found a blog called, My Quest My Identity? Empowering Woman.. It speaks of patterns of Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, and Physical Abuse within relationships

The blogger has some very good information on the blog about domestic violence.

One of the things that I remember in my own journey to recognize the emotional abuse, and I see with so many others the reality that abusive people seem to say the same things. Its like they can some type of script they all use, and that is sign of emotional verbal abuse. Some victims feel they are the only ones that hear this type of thing, and when they hear what others have to say about their abuser's talk...they look at each other and say, "Are you married to the same person?"

I'm not going to say they are all the same, because some have slightly different signs of emotional abuse. That was one of the excuses I gave myself when I didn't wish to face what was happening to me. I remember reading Patricia Evan's 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' for the first time, and I had all kinds of reactions to this.

Her book really was a wake up call for me, and I remember it took days for me to finish it. I would read a little bit, and put it down because it was just to much for me to face. I realize this isn't a faith based book, but I can't tell you how much it has helped me and others as well.

If you are man that is being abused please don't take offense to the gender references, because if you stay open minded while you read this book you will find it applies to you as well. Just replace the 'He' 'Him' with 'Her' 'She'. I do know a number of men that have read this, and it was an eye opening experience for them as well for emotional verbal abuse.

The faith aspect does add some additional uglies to the mix of the 'verbal abuse definition'. Their stressing of authority, or headship, or maybe even submission. The fact of the matter is abusers all have their tactics, and they are used to tear down the person's sense of self worth. They attempt to make you feel you are dependent on them at times, and that no one else would want you for any reason. They all have their points they try to make about others, but what I never realized until later was they couldn't even even step up to their own standards.

As I mentioned before when I read Patricia's book she had mentioned some pretty stereotypical traits that aren't uncommon about abusive people. I didn't relate to all of them in my own situtation, and so I made the decision it couldn't apply to me since all the signs of emotional abuse and verbal abuse were not present. I had all kinds of excuses. Don't make that mistake yourself, because it really didn't do me much good. I was denying things because all of the signs of abuse didn't apply. I think we all have our excuses at times don't we?

After I while I read a second book that was recommended to me, and it was like the icing on the cake.

I think I was drawn to this book mostly due to it's title! WHY does he do that?? by Lundy Bancroft. What this book did for me was breakdown the different traits of abusers. It showed how to reach healing the scars of emotional abuse, and the secret of overcoming verbal abuse. I realized at that point that not ALL abusers did the same thing. Lundy broke them down into different aspects (or behavior characteristics), and when he did that I realized I couldn't hide anymore. If I remember correctly there was three that really hit home for me. Lundy does speak more about men who batter their wifes, but it was the personality types that I was more after than anything. He also spoke of the mindset they live in, and I could just feel it in my bones at that point. I finally realized it wasn't ME! First big step towards healing!

Again, if you are man please look at this differently. The patterns of behavior don't change because of gender. Remember the enemy is the abusive behavior, and NOT the gender! Its not even the person.......remember its the behavior that is evil!

The blog I mentioned at the beginning has an article called, 'These are some of the common things abusers say'. It reminded me of the beginning of my journey to realize what was happening in my life.

I think I got all caught up with 'look to yourself', and make sure I did what was expected of me. Taking the LOG out of my own eye, but I truly had a hard time accepting him for whom he was. I could never understand why a person would wish to be so negative, ugly, cruel...and I never understood the way of thinking it just wasn't rational! Lundy showed it wasn't rational, but the reality was it was THEM!

I knew what I would be told from the church, and I knew the lessons that had been taught in my past. I knew something was missing. Something they were not looking at either. They never addressed concerns of the effect of verbal abuse and emotional abuse towards a child - even if they were not a direct victim! My faith portion started in search for answers, and I wanted to know what God would say about my findings. Was I not the proper spouse, and did I somehow cause this to happen to me. What role did I play in this insane world I was living in.

Some people I know really truly liked Patricia's other book, "Controling People":

She also just came out with her newest, "The Verbally Abusive Man. Can he change?":

I personally got alot out of Lundy's second book on the subject, "When Dad Hurts Mom":

My first faith based book was, "No Place For Abuse":

If you don't have money for these please keep in mind you can get them at your local library as well. I still use these books as reference, and to help me with different aspects that I need to remind myself with.

The personality traits maybe different in some aspects, but overall abusers all seem to talk the same language. Its that abuser talk that I was fighting against to keep me out of reality. Don't be legalistic like I was. Its better to face things, and come into the light of truth! Deal with the truth, and your path of healing will be realized even faster!

The secret of overcoming verbal abuse and healing the scar of emotional abuse is educating yourself, and attempt to pull yourself OUT of denial! Only then can the healing begin!

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