Narcississm - Its all about Him

Blog talk radio interview with Barbara from Sanctuary for the Abused, and she is interviewed about Narcissism.

All About Him speaks about what is a narcissist, and how to identify a narcissistic behavior.

This isn't a gender issue again, and its a good interview if you have questions about Narcissism.

Saudi Judge gives ignorant excuses for domestic violence. Are we much better?

Cnn.com was quoted this week:

Judge Hamad Al-Razine said that "if a person gives SR 1,200 [$320] to his wife and she spends 900 riyals [$240] to purchase an abaya [the black cover that women in Saudi Arabia must wear] from a brand shop and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment."

The judge also ignorantly stated:

Al-Razine "also pointed out that women's indecent behavior and use of offensive words against their husbands were some of the reasons for domestic violence in the country," it added.

We can all see the ignorance in those comments about what domestic violence actually is. The blog world is on fire about the judges comments, and people are making comments about how backwards this thinking is. That's being NICE!

As the author at It Dawned on Me stated

I lived in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for 14 months many years ago. Every time I see stories like this, it makes me angry. This is yet another example of men…and this time validated by a judge…using violence to subjugate women. Women have little opportunity to be indecent in this country. They wear veils everywhere they go. They cannot socialize, attend classes, work, or even be seen with a man who is not their husband. When friends come to visit in homes, men socialize with the men in one room and women visit with the women in another room.

What that author speaks about also is seen in the news, and it does set things up to be a no win situation for the women and children in part of the world. They also use this type of excuses when it comes terrorism as well. People pushed their buttons or made them act. They misuse the 'honor' word as an excuse for violence, and in a way to escape from personal responsibility.

I hate these stories as much as anyone I'm sure. I guess I'm also in the minority because YES you do hear about the vicious nature of some of the stories, but in our area of the world we just have a different way of saying basically the same thing.

What did you do to make him so mad?

You need to learn to submit more, and respect leadership within the home! Now go home, and pray to be a better wife!

That is what would be said - among other things - when a wife got slapped for overspending or being perceived that she has a wrong attitude.

We speak about how they are raised in that part of the world with this ignorant attitude towards women, and as you can see it was endorsed by a judge.

Here? Its endorsed by the church.

There are HUGE differences in some realms, but in others? Not so much from where I sit. We have our own ways of endorsing and enabling violence against others within our families. We sprinkle a little scripture on top, but can't do alot of things you see on the news due to our laws. They wouldn't get jailed there, but would here. Those women across the world do have it worse in alot of ways than we do on our side of the world, but we do have things in common. Our houses of faith endorse domestic violence in different ways, and neither of them call it out for the sin it is. Neither call it out for the pure evil that is violence against fellow humans.

We have separate excuses. We have separate ways of life.

We both encourage domestic violence by not holding people accountable, and calling it out for what it is.

SIN!

That Saudi judge needs education badly about the dynamics of domestic violence, but in some ways are we any better? Do our words give protection from abuse? We both have forms of religious abuse, and for some reasons ours is just more acceptable.

Why is that? Does that make it better because we do it different?

Communication Breakdown?

I just don't understand HOW people can push the 'communication' card, and then ask you to do the opposite...and then wonder why it doesn't work for people. All to often I see counterdictions, and enables communication breakdown. Here is an example!

At the present time, my husband and I are struggling with our marriage. I am trying to be more solicitous in that I am asking his permission or what his thoughts are versus saying, "I'm going to do this...".

The other day, a friend wanted to me to go out with her but we had three children at the house so I asked him, "Would you mind if I went...?" He reacted negatively and said, "Well, I suppose but I wanted lay down and I can't do that with unless you are watching the kids." Now, this was said in a negative manner and with an air of guilt, which has been one of my issues with him---his controlling/doing things through guilt or fear.

I choose to let him lay down and went with my friend later. However, I'm left with the same feelings of anger and resentment I've always had because I feel like the only thing I submitted to was his dramatic display of guilt.

How should I have better handled this?
What I am suppose to submit to?

First off the 'permission' thing bothers me greatly. Spouses aren't children that need to ask permission. I don't have a problem having a discussion, or even say 'Do you mind if I...'. To me that is common courtesy, and something people need to show in a relationship in order to be a healthy one. I don't even have an issue with people wishing to discuss things with their spouses before making plans. We are all human and if we place this 'permission' part out there you are opening yourself up to an abuse of power. That's just human nature.

I realize that children have to ask permission, but the reasons are plain for that. We know that abuse of power towards children happen as well, but asking permission as a child has completely different reasoning behind it. Its part of their learning process if you will as they grow up, and become adults in our world. Its a safety measure...a learning tool.

Beyond the scope of this poster feeling it is RIGHT to ask permission from her spouse we see she speaks of his attitude towards her in response. There is nothing wrong with asking your spouse to go out later, but the way it is asked is what's in question here.

The responses she got is where I wonder how these women feel 'communication' is being used in their relationships. Is submission being used as a tool for communication or communication breakdown within the relationship?

I think you did the right thing in letting him lay down and going with your friend later.

I fully understand your feelings of anger and resentment; I've recently been in similar situations with my husband. But, remember that God is the One we're ultimately submitting to. Let your anger and resentment drive you closer to Him in prayer and as you pray it through I wouldn't be surprised if He gave you His peace.

But if you're anything like me, it might be a bit of a prayer struggle before you reach that point. But know that God is growing you through it, too.

I find when I'm in a disagreement with my husband that it's better for me to go over his head, so to speak, and take the problem directly to the Lord.

As Oswald Chambers wrote, "obey God, and leave all the consequences with Him."

In a healthy relationship with a spouse that truly loves you I struggle with these types of responses.

They acknowledge that the bad behavior and bad attitude is raising anger and resentment, but you aren't asked to communicate at all. Your communication is in prayer only. All to often I see these speeches to women about how they need to communicate their wants, needs, feelings to men because they don't have crystal balls to figure those things out for themselves. That makes sense! Yet communication breakdown is what is being encouraged here. We can't have both ways!

There are times in which you take it to the Lord, and I'm NOT saying you don't do that. We can't tell them that communication, boundaries, etc are needed, and then basically tell them to NOT do those things afterwards.

Another response?

Amen-
I don't see the problem here. Your husband only wanted to take a nap before you went out. You did get to go.

I see being a wife as a calling. It is something that God has given us to do to be a helpmate to the man. Sadly, we have lost touch with that with all this equal rights stuff. I don't mean to be a doormat,I mean to be a helper. You help your husband by letting him take a nap, then you are blessed by having some quiet time away with a friend.

Ephesians 5:22-"Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord."
It takes some practice,but I started doing things for my husband as though I were doing them for the Lord. If Jesus Christ Himself asked you to not leave to go out with your friend,but wait until He took a nap,you would be honored that He asked you! Try to look at being a helpmate to your husband in that way.

Remember we will all give an account for our lives one day. What we've done will either come forth as gold or be burned. We won't be able to say, "it was the husband you gave me.." We found in Genesis that doesn't work.

When I get angry with my husband,I go to a quiet place and tell the Lord how I feel. This is confession and it's the safest place to bring something.I would recommend sharing only with the Lord and not your friends. Don't put your husband in a bad light,in the end it makes you look bad.

Great example of communication breakdown. Its being a 'helpmate' to NOT discuss his nasty attitude and behavior towards you. I mean you got to go out right?

Lets think of our children for a moment. Would people allow their children to get away with this? Is that what the 'parents' would tell another parent if their child acted like this? Granted it would be a teenager or older here! NO WAY would we encourage our children to act so disrespectful, and yet its being a 'helpmate' to allow your husband to do it.


WHY does that make sense to people? How is it helping anyone to NOT communicate how the attitude is hurting you? If you don't let your husband KNOW that this is hurting you - aren't we encouraging that 'crystal ball' comments that come later?

This is crazy! That completely insane advice!

Studying to be quiet takes a lot of studying...and practice! I am learning when I want to say something to my husband, I play it out in my mind what the outcome will most likely be. I have learned to say it's not worth it and keep quiet. It doesn't happen overnight and you will fail. I am so thankful that the Lord does not give up on me

You have to be kidding me!

Granted there are times in which silent is best. I know with certain family members I'm better off approaching them AFTER they have calmed down, and can be receptive. They aren't telling this women to do this! They are telling her to hush, and tattle on him to the Lord. Communication breakdown.


I have to wonder if people see the counterdictions in the advice they give. If you did hush, and want to know what to do? You did well - submission and being a proper helpmate - take it to the Lord to tattle on him. If she showed she was upset by this attitude in a different manner? They would ask if she spoke to her husband, because afterall they don't have crystal balls! Communication is important in relationships. The advice you are handed at times? This encourages communication breakdown.

Cheating or beating--which is worse?

I saw a thread on Ibelieve.com about if you had to have ONE happen which would be worse? Cheating or Beating?

It was an interesting thread to read, because as you know churches tend to push the cheating card only. Overall which was the biggest fear, or considered the worse? Beating.

They spoke of the dynamics that may come with the beating part compared to the cheating part. The biggest factor was fear. Fear for their live. How beating isn't normally the only thing you deal with.

Of course you had those that threw in the 'one time' only deal, and I sat their scratching my head. So if you spouse beat the stuffing out of you ONE time you wouldn't be afraid of them? I'm sorry but if people can't admit that its pride.

Someone finally mentioned how its strange how pastors will only acknowledge the cheating part as excuse to separate or divorce. Funny because the poll showed overwhelmingly the women would rather be cheated on.

Cheating or Beating -- which is worse? It was an interesting thread!

Faith Board Enables Emotional Abuse Part Two

I guess Family Life got an earful or something, because they decided they were going to 'change' the article. I have to say - it didn't make it any better. This faith board is still enabling emotional abuse.

Do you have a one-way marriage?

See yesterdays post, Faith Board Enables Emotional Abuse to see where we left off.

Editor’s note: One of the most difficult issues to address today is, “How long do you stay in a very unhappy marriage?” In the following article an anonymous wife describes her experiences and what God has taught her during a long, difficult relationship. It also sparked some interesting discussion in our comments section (see end of article) after it was sent by e-mail in the May 2009 issue of The Family Room. To provide greater context to the story and to address some misunderstandings, we worked with the writer to make revisions on May 4, 2009.

Ahem. I don't think there were many misunderstandings. Just because they changed the slant a bit to making her 'choice' in a way doesn't change the main point. That part wasn't strong enough, and their message came Thur loud and clear!

I have been married for over 47 years to a man who has centered his life and interests on himself.

When he and I were dating, he attended church with me occasionally and was active in his own church youth group, so I thought that we had the same commitment to church and God. We were only 18 years old, I was naïve, and I should have made a greater effort to make sure that we shared the same faith.

In the first weeks of marriage I asked him several times if he would like to begin visiting churches. He finally told me that when he was a child he was forced to go to church, and “Nobody is ever going to make me go again.” I expected that he would be loving, gentle, and kind. But within one month of the wedding, he was shoving me around and making me leave the room when his friends came to our apartment. One time, I was sitting on the couch with him and he kicked me, knocking the breath out of me.

This needed to stop. I told him I would not be mistreated, and I began packing my suitcase. He apologized and said he would never do it again. And to his credit he has not mistreated me physically ever since. Of course, I have experienced many other types of pain over the years.

He was almost always negative with his words, and rarely positive. A couple of times, I discovered that he was having a fling or an emotional affair.

It’s important to understand that I did not accept all of my husband’s mistreatment without any attempt to confront his behavior and plead with him to change. Though he considered himself king of the home, I did not accept all of his behavior or his decisions in the name of blind “submission.” I often urged him to consider counseling, either as a couple or individually, and he refused. “Counseling is for nutcakes,” he said. I left him books to read, and I got him to attend marriage conferences. For awhile I tried to make myself more appealing—I participated in many Bible studies on how to be a godly wife, and I read books on how to understand men. Those things were helpful but not the ultimate answer.

In the end I realized that nothing I could do would change my husband—he was a hardened, self-centered man committed to living his life the way he wished. I knew I needed to give him and our relationship to God, and ask Him to give me the strength to persevere and to love my husband.

When people hear my story, some wonder why I did not get a divorce. They say that I should have moved on and found someone to love me, that I deserved to be loved. They say I have been too subservient, and have stayed too long in an “abusive” relationship. We had three children, and some feel I should have taken them out of the house to protect them.


This is a difficult and sensitive issue to address because so many couples today do not stay together in circumstances like mine. Many cannot conceive of enduring hardship as I have. But I have been convinced that God has wanted me to keep the vows I made before Him.

I would not counsel wives to remain in the home if their husbands are physically abusive, or if they feel their children are threatened by severe emotional abuse. But my husband has kept his word for 45 years and has not hurt me physically since those incidents early in our marriage. He was not physically abusive to the children. And as difficult as he has been to live with, his treatment was never strong enough to lead me to seriously consider separation or divorce.

I have to shake my head here. I mean can we look at the news? BOY are we firm on abortion for example, but when it comes to abuse? We are WIMPY! We stand solid as a rock for unborn children, and when it comes to the foundation of the family? WELL! That's different! She got one point right! She can't change her husband, and she may need to accept the way he will always be. That's a HUGE step for most abused spouses. We allow ourselves to dream of that change, and give in to false hope. In some ways we are programed to! Why do I say that? Lets look to a verse she used before the revision.

The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

I mentioned before HOW OFTEN is the 'may' used compared to the 'may not'. She may have changed her article, but way to often do you see women shamed when they mention the 'may not' portion. I'm NOT going to tell you that people can't change their ways by watching and experiencing chaste and respectful behavior.

The part I still don't see is the addressing of his soul. This man may very well go to Hell. The abused spouse isn't always the best party to hold them to accountability. I will admit the church is very wishy washy this. "We don't know both sides of the story' type of deals. Its like they need to place secret cameras in the house so they can feel comfortable seeing the real deal! Remember you can't TELL them the cameras are there - people tend NOT to be themselves. lol I realize that won't happen. Just throwing it out there about how ridiculous it gets at times.

She says she mentions his sins, but what you don't read? His consequences for his sins. None. No boundaries. Nothing. Does anyone see the incentive to change? I don't! There are alot of men and women that don't have to go to great lengths to arouse some sense of morality and ethic out of their spouse. Her husband doesn't have to. The ways she describes things I'm sure she will tell you she was quite the nag. The nature of him as written? You think he would have an issue agreeing with that?!

Strength and wisdom

As I’ve grown in my faith during my marriage, I have relied on God to give me the strength and wisdom to stay with my husband and to keep our family together. I think about what the disciples learned during their time with Jesus. As Robert Coleman writes in his book, The Master Plan of Evangelism:

Following Jesus seemed easy enough at first. It soon became apparent that being a disciple of Christ involved far more—it meant the surrender of one’s whole life to the Master in absolute submission of his sovereignty. There could be no compromise. There was a cross in it—the willing denial of self for others. This was strong teaching. Not many people could take it.

The same is true in some marriages. It’s difficult to stay in a “one-way marriage”—where you are the only one making an effort to keep it going. There is a cross in it, and not many people can take it.

God has taught me many things through the years of heartache and disappointment.

Lets compare crosses here shall we?

The disciples of Christ's mission.



Versus being a victim of abuse due to a broken spouse.
See the difference? That isn't her cross! That is HIS cross to take up, and he needs to heal himself. She can't do that for HIM! It takes consequences when you are dealing with a person like she speaks of. Goodness knows there are other issues within marriage that are hurtful, and very hard to deal with. She is talking about a person that will NOT give an ounce of energy, and is more than willing to hurt her with no sense of remorse.

Telling your spouse, "I'm sorry" and then slowing going back to the way things were? The bible speaks of repentance as well. Your spouse is not your GOD, and if he is abusing you and your children? I just can't handle people saying they are your CROSS!

You may wonder how this applied to a difficult marriage. When you consider that
God is sovereign and rules over the universe, you realize that He is in control
of every person and circumstance in your life. Even if your husband is making a
poor decision, in the long run it will work for good. It does not mean God
causes poor decisions, but He may allow them so that He might receive glory and
mature our faith. You can never lose by being obedient to God.

She was talking about God's character here.

I don't know HOW she feels that bad decisions turn GOOD all the time for God's Glory. Can it happen? Sure. Personally, I think she is using part of that as an excuse for him.

I can think of situations like the early Christ followers dealing with torture because of their principals of not being STOPPED speaking about Christ. I can see men like Martin Luther King, Jr. knowing that one day he KNEW he would be killed for his cause. I can understand why some people risk their lifes to become missionaries, because to them the message of Christ is worth dying for.

These are honorable. Making excuses for an abusive spouse is NOT! There is a DIFFERENCE!

She changed her prayer portion, but I still don't agree with it!

Sometimes in our marriage I was angry or hurt, and I told my husband in a very unpleasant manner how I felt. I would try to make him feel guilty. I gave him books on how to meet your wife’s needs. I tried all the things that a human can try, without success. God showed me one day that I was trying to do His work—only He can change a person.

I also learned to pray and trust God with our children. My husband loved his children, but he did not make the effort to spend time with them or build a relationship with them. Just as he was with me, he was continually negative with them, and rarely had anything positive to say.

I found myself in the position not only of being the primary parent for my children, but also working with my husband to soften him and help him understand their needs. For example, if he was too harsh in disciplining a child, I would talk with him to help him think about whether his “punishment fit the crime.” When a child brought home a report card from school, I would encourage him to praise the child rather than just criticize for what he considered a low grade. It was a constant process.

Yet I also realized that sometimes I needed to depend on God. I remember one time in particular when I was upstairs in our home, and I heard my husband criticize our children with excessive harshness. It broke my heart. On other occasions I might have run down and defended my children or removed them from the room, but in this case I cried out to God. I asked God again to give me the strength to deal with my husband and to help my children understand their father. I prayed for my husband to cease his words to them at that moment. God answered each of those prayers.

Prayer is powerful. It can go where you cannot. It reaches inside your husband’s head and heart.

God’s way is so often different from ours. 1 Peter 3:1 tells us, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

sighhhhhh. Spiritual Pixie dust.

God has given me joy

Some people who hear my story feel that I have responded to a bad marriage by adopting some type of unrealistic, super-pious spirituality, or by hiding behind a shroud of “submissiveness” when the truly loving thing to do would have been to confront my husband. But both of these assumptions are far from the truth. Whether I kept my mouth shut or confronted my husband, the bottom line is that I feel like God wanted me to stick it out in my marriage and that there was no way I could do that without relying on Him. The essentials I’ve mentioned here have helped me to do just that, but I learned them over many years of trial and error as well as failed attempts to fix things on my own. I have certainly not practiced them perfectly. I’ve failed many times, and I’ve acted unbecoming of a follower of Jesus Christ. But confession and repentance bring me back to where I should be.

Do I still wish I had a husband like I’ve seen others have? Yes. Is it my ultimate goal? No. When I let go of my expectations and gave them to God, I was set free. He offers a joy that no one can steal and a peace that passes all understanding.


In a sense, God has become my sweetheart—one who loves me perfectly and never fails me. His companionship has become so real to me over time. I’m reminded of the verse in Isaiah 54:4 that describes God as a husband. So although I wish I could have had a loving husband, I wouldn’t trade that for the oneness I have experienced with God as a result of my trials.

I finally accepted that my marriage might not ever get any better. You might think that realization would plunge me into despair or hopelessness, but it was actually the opposite: I felt an incredible sense of freedom and peace as I released my marriage to God.

Someone once asked me how I would feel when my husband passes away. Would I be relieved that he couldn’t hurt me anymore or cause my life any more stress? My response was no. As God has helped me grow over the years, He’s also given me a genuine love for my husband. I released my marriage to Him, knowing that it would never be a fairy tale romance, and He has filled in the gaps where it fell short.

I am so grateful to God for teaching me these spiritual disciplines. Today my marriage is not the major struggle it once was. In our older age I have increasingly become a caregiver in our relationship because of his disabilities due to strokes, and our home has mostly become peaceful. God has given me great joy in life. You, too, can thrive in a difficult marriage and experience an intimacy with God you never thought possible.

I can see this article being helpful for those deep in denial, and able to view things so they look better. I seriously have to wonder WHY Family Life would tell a spouse that you need to use God as your rose colored glasses.

I think this lady may be surprised at how much relief - after her grieve of course - that death my bring her.

She reminds me of my grandmother. I didn't learn until I was adult that my grandfather had beat both my mother and grandmother during his life. I lived 1,000 miles away, and I guess that part of the family history was easy to hide. I knew my grandmother had an unhealthy view towards things, and when I found that out I knew why she did. She used it as a tool to endure the years of being beat and abused. I'm sure there came a time in which he stopped hitting her, but his verbal and emotional they didn't stop.

The saddest part? After 60 some years of marriage, and at an elderly age my grandmother for first time actually started to live when he passed away. I'm thankful she got that short period of time, but the reason it wasn't longer was because of the teachings she got at her church. She made him her cross, and he didn't get better. The church ignored it, and gave him a leadership role. The Southern Baptist Church made sure he got everything he wanted, but I don't think he ever had peace. You know the peace that the church was to help him find in his relationship with Christ? He didn't find PEACE in his authority and her submission. She on the other had peace during her life. Different types of peace, and the type of peace the author claims she has now.

I still think this article is irresponsible, and it doesn't give a good view of what you should do when your PEACE within the home isn't present. I'm not saying divorce, but YE SH why does the church always forget about the sinner? Ya know! Those are the ones Jesus came FOR!

A Faith Board that enables Emotional Abuse. Its a sad and irresponsible stand. Is that truly the family values they want to show? How to endure entitlment, Rage and Wrath? What? We can't show protection for the abused? She and her family need our prayers of enlightment, and to show what true peace can mean.

Faith Site Enables Emotional Abuse?

I read an article on Family Life recently. The title of the article was Do You Have a One-Way Marriage? I was appalled that a faith site would enable emotional abuse, and somehow feel its okay to show others how the author endured the emotional abuse...and to show how YOU can TOO! What is wrong with this world!

Before you can know that peace and joy, you have a huge decision to make. Will you love Jesus more than you love yourself? How far are you willing to go in this love relationship? What holds you back? The better you know God’s character, the more your fears will dissolve. You cannot lose by living life God’s way.

Over the years my husband has been out of work several times. One of those times, he didn’t bother seeking a new job. He sat and played solitaire every day or watched television. This went on for a year and a half. I had a little part-time job, and when our extended family asked if I would get a full-time job, I said, “No. He needs the pressure.”

Of course, after many months I was sometimes concerned for the house and car payments and other expenses. Often I had little food in the house; but through a variety of ways, God met each of those financial needs. I’m glad I had matured in my faith before that time so that I knew not to nag but to trust God for everything.

At one point I fed my family with only $20 for two weeks. It was the worst our food situation had ever been. During those two weeks, God gave me unbelievable ways to stretch that $20. For example, eggs went on sale at a tremendously low price. I made pancakes, egg salad sandwiches, deviled eggs—all providing the protein for our meals.

You would think those two weeks were a dark time, but it was actually exhilarating as I started each day telling God, “I wonder how you’ll provide today.” I learned from that experience to have faith and depend on God without reservation.

Commitment to your husband is tied to your commitment to God. When you pull away from your husband emotionally, you’ll discover you have pulled away from God. If you toy with the option of leaving your husband or divorcing, then you will feel tossed about without God’s peace and presence.

I look at this portion, and I can see this story being handed to spouses that are enduring abuse within their homes. Its not done out of love, but as a weapon to guilt them in to staying. I mean LOOK at the message here!

You can't know peace and joy unless you learn to endure the abuse!

You can't say you love Jesus more than yourself if you will not endure the abuse of your spouse!

You do NOT know the character of God if you are NOT willing to do this in love, and allow God to dissolve your fears when you ask him to.

You are losing everything by not living life God's way! We are showing you HOW!

You commitment to God isn't there when you have to emotionally detach from an abusive person.

Here a faith site uses a women that enables her husband's sinful behavior as a tool for the church NOT to deal with domestic violence. YES you do NOT need to be HIT to be abused! Her husband needs help and an awakening, and he needs to realize that HIS relationship with God is HINDERED at this point!

Think about it! They are asking people to martyr themselves for marriage, and enable the abuse to continue upon themselves and the children. They are totally ignoring the broken person that is acting abusive towards his family. The church is failing this whole family by publishing this piece. She needs help and he needs it DESPERATELY!

Most people won't even grasp that part, because of the dripping manipulative statements about how you can't be right with God if you don't learn to endure.

Sometimes in our marriage I was angry or hurt, and I told my husband in a very unpleasant manner how I felt. I would try to make him feel guilty. I gave him books on how to meet your wife’s needs. I tried all the things that a human can try, without success. God showed me one day that I was trying to do His work—only He can change a person.

I remember one time in particular when I was upstairs in our home, and I heard my husband berating our children. It broke my heart. I wanted to run down and defend my children and remove them from the room, but instead I cried out to God. I told God that He promised not to give me more than I could bear. I reminded God that I had asked Him to protect my children from damage and to give me strength to not interfere. I also prayed for my husband to cease his words to them at that moment. God answered each of those prayers.

Prayer is powerful. It can go where you cannot. It reaches inside your husband’s head and heart. Often if a man is not a godly husband, he will not be a godly dad. As you pray and ask specifically, God will protect your children from your imperfect home and marriage.

The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” This verse became my anchor on how I should live with my husband. It is very freeing to know that it is God’s battle, not mine.

You know what bothers me most about the scripture she cites at the end, and when you look at the dynamics of domestic violence? The word MAY - they MAY be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, etc. It doesn't say they WILL - they MAY be won!

Since our total focus is to keep these people together at all costs the word MAY never turns into 'MAY NOT' ever! That's unheard of! May not? Nope. It doesn't compute with the church. Their way of again enabling the emotional abuse within this family. I have seen this verse used time and time again! Did you ever see an article mentioning the 'may not' part? NOT when they are trying to prove this point huh!

We also have this woman allowing her children to be abused, because she feels she can't stand up and protect them. She tells other victims that if they pray GOD will protect them so you don't have to. You have NO responsibility to help in anyway. God will protect them from the emotional abuse, and your mother NOT stepping in at all isn't enabling him to continue!

As we look to the next generations of this type of family she may see her children did have to deal with the effects the ungodly father placed upon them, and also the enabling mother that allowed herself to 'walk away' from her responsibility to her children.

I find this portion of the article totally irresponsible! They are telling wives to allow their spouses to continue to berate the children, and if you don't? WELL you don't have enough faith in God, because he will protect them ALWAYS! Why? She asked him to!

If there is one thing I have learned in my walk in faith is that God has three answers he uses to our prayers. Yes, No, and NOT now! To me she is using God as a crutch to not deal with her life, and uses very good heart tugging phrases to make others feel badly if they can't do the same.

Its a perfect weapon in the church's arsenal to keep people together, and NOT have to get their hands dirty!

I love cooking and trying new recipes. It takes planning and a lot of work to make a really nice meal. I was so disappointed the times my husband came home late without calling. Sometimes he would say, “What is this slop?”

For birthdays or anniversaries, I hoped for a surprise, a gift, or at least a card. I shared my expectations or gave modest suggestions of what I would like. Most years he gave little acknowledgment to the occasion and gave me nothing … or he gave me something he wanted. Through these experienced I learned to take my hurts to the Lord and ask Him to heal my heart.

Intimacy was another problem area. My husband was selfishly driven in the area of sex. He wanted sex, but not non-sexual affection.

If this area is difficult for you, just remember that God will reward your obedience. The major turning point for me was one instance when he wanted to make love and I did not, but God brought to my mind that I should anyway. As a result, we conceived the only one of our children that I birthed. This was particularly special because we struggled with fertility issues and never expected to be able to have children outside of adoption.

Part of loving your husband involves forgiving him daily. Keep short accounts and don’t let the negatives build up. When you do that, you give up the right to seek revenge. It brings peace for you and your home.

What does unconditional love look like? There is a great model of what commitment to love your husband should look like in 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient, kind, not jealous and does not seek its own nor take into account a wrong suffered. Love bears all things and hopes all things. Love never fails.”

Denial reigns in the church, and using scripture to enforce it is the way to go!

She speaks nothing of the broken trust between the spouses. I suppose she blindly trusts him as well right? She assumes her forgiveness brings peace to her home.

I have to ask one question!

Does her husband seem at peace?

If he was at peace wouldn't the abuse stop? I'm not talking romance novel relationship after that, but a healthy one! If he was at peace he would be able to give his family a healthy, loving and peaceful home could he not? He might be able to show love as she cites in her scripture if that were the case - him being at peace.

Denial is not peace. Denial is a lie.

God has given me joy

I have not practiced these things perfectly. I’ve failed many times, and I’ve acted unbecoming as a follower of Jesus Christ. But confession and repentance bring me back to where I should be.

Do I still wish I had a husband like I’ve seen others have? Yes. Is it my ultimate goal? No. When I let go of my expectations and gave them to God, I was set free. He offers a joy that no one can steal and a peace that passes all understanding.

I am so grateful to God for teaching me these spiritual disciplines. My marriage is not the major struggle it once was. My relationship with my husband is basically peaceful, and God has given me great joy in life. You too can thrive in a difficult marriage and experience an intimacy with God you never thought possible.

None of us are worthy, but God always wishes for us to live in reality. God wishes her to have true peace, and her husband to have the same.

This man may lose his children, and she may have her heart broken when she found her children were NOT protected by her faith. You do NOT stop the cycle of abuse by enabling the abusive person to continue to abuse. You do NOT end the cycle of abuse by writing articles on how to enable the abuse, and then use scripture in a manipulative way to guilt you into staying.

These types of articles are the reason people LEAVE the church! We have Faith Sites that endorse articles that show others how to enable the emotional abuser. She may feel she has the strength to continue, but telling others they have no faith if you don't do it my way? We enable abusive people to continue, and we as the church don't bring that true healing we are called to show the path to.

What is wrong with people that bring the truth into the light? The truth may not always be easy to deal with, easy to shallow, and it may HURT alot! If the followers of Christ truly wish to show the world a light of hope they need to stop telling oppressed family members to martyr themselves for the sake of marriage stats. The people within that union are what is important to God, and denial of the issues just makes things worse.

This family needs help, and it screams THAT all over this article. This man needs Jesus, and he needs to turn from his abusive ways so that his relationship with God is not hindered.

I seriously have to ask Family Life which is more important! All the abusive souls in the world with their souls at stake, or the marriage stats they scream about to much? They may be able to save alot more marriages if they could deal with reality. Asking a wife to endure the abuse of her husband, and ignore the neglect and outright sin upon her children ISN'T the true way!

If you have the opportunity I would ask you to speak out LOUDLY against this type of article ENDORSED by Family Life! Our responsibility as faith followers is to step in and HELP all involved! We are not to just allow this woman to drown in denial, and show others to live with false hope. Do we step up and speak TRUTH, or do we allow faith sites to show others how to enable abuse? Abusive men are not entitled to abuse families, but articles like this tell them they ARE! Shame on THEM! SHAME! I'm praying for this family tonight, and I hope you will to.