NOT submissive to your husband - because of his sinful nature could cause him to abusive towards his wife! The wife - because of her sinful nature - isn't submissive because she wants to be the BOSS says Pastor Ware!
and their husbands on their part, because they are sinners, now respond
to that threat to their authority either by being abusive, which is, of course,
one of the ways men can respond when their authority is challenged, or more
commonly by becoming passive, acquiescing and simply not asserting the
leadership they ought to as men in their homes and churches.
Ware it seems doesn't understand the definition of what abusive is. He is using what people call a 'myth' definition. That is where he is getting himself into trouble. True abusers have a pattern of behavior. Its not being a jerk one day, and lashing out towards their spouse on occasion. Being labeled an abuser means you have a pattern of behavior that is abusive.
When you have a person that has a pattern of behavior of being abusive - then his statement is offensive, and really shows ignorance towards what abusive natures truly mean. Why? A true abusive person doesn't need an excuse! They are also going to LOVE what he said, and run with it!
People with a true abusive nature don't have to feel their role is being usurped. Burning dinner and not being able to read their minds is all it takes. What they want and need from day to day changes, and you are expected to figure that out without being told.
Anyone that understands the true definition of what being abusive is compared to the myth type that Ware uses knows he comment is ungrounded, and completely off the mark!
The myth definition has been overused in the past, and people have ended up dead. Being submissive or not isn't going to cause the abusive person to lash out. The abusive person is going to lash out because their pattern of behavior shows they are abusive. You can't MAKE someone abusive! Its choice! Abusive people can be healed, but they also have to face the music of their past sins.
Can a whining child trigger an abusive person to lash out? Yep! A NON whining child can also cause an abusive person to lash out as well! Why? An abusive person doesn't need a rational excuse - they are just are.
True abusive people are going to use the excuse of their spouse NOT being submissive. Why? They are known for twisting scripture to fit their needs. They will also tell their children = sorry I was to hard on you during the whipping but if you were not whining you may not have gotten that hard!
From the standpoint of those that understand the definition of what abusive means - and clearly Ware's ignorance towards what it means is where you hit the rub.
I mean how often do you tell a spouse of an alcoholic that if they were nicer to them that day they may not have gotten drunk? Generally, people aren't going to say that. Why? Most people know alcoholics don't need an excuse! Triggers are excuse.
There are some very interesting conversations about this man, and him clearly not doing his homework!
The intention of emotional abuse is "to destroy the self-esteem and self-confidence of his partner" is mentioned by Because of Him. She also it seems has learned to detach from him in a healthy manner.
An abuser will use every means possible to maintain control by making the victim feel worthless and totally dependent on him."
She goes on to say.
She speaks about a experience that she recently had with her husband. It was a story of what some may call detaching from emotional abuse her husband was dishes out at family gathering.
"Fine. I hope you have a way home. Actually, don't bother coming home because all your stuff will be in the street if you ever show up. I'm done with you." then he proceeded to stomp off to the car where he sat the rest of the time we were there.
How many can relate to hearing this type of verbal abuse at home? Sadly, I think way to many! Normally you hear others being told to ask themselves if they might have done something to offend their spouse when they hear stories like this. Ask they are having a hard time at work, or maybe very worried about something. I don't think people realize they are coddling these people even if it IS intentionally! What is even stranger is you continue to tell stories like this, which most people don't...they tend to clam up after that .... people still have a hard time seeing it for what it is.
I didn't follow him and apologize, beg him to come back to the reception, say I was sorry, carry on and make it my fault. There was a time I would have, especially since we were more than 100 miles from home. I turned my back and had a good time with my family while he pouted in the hot car. I refuse to give him what he wants.
Everyone needs to come to this point. This is a good example of how to detach in a healthy manner from abusive behavior. I saw towards the end of her post that she felt that maybe one day she won't have to be so rude. Actually, I don't think it was rude. I think it was boundaries that were healthy ones. She has allowed herself to see the abuse for what it is, and has learned to detach the only way she can for now.
I know what alot of you are thinking. It won't work. Doing something that is healthy for you at the time isn't going to be well received by an abusive spouse - granted! Rushing to apologize, begging him to come back, saying you are sorry isn't going to place you in a better place either. Detaching enough to see things may send a message that they don't want to hear, but abusers don't like boundaries. Abusers hate when people detach from them, and sadly people get GOOD at that when they distance themselves from them. If you can't separate at this point then educate yourself so that you see things for what they are, and learn to detach yourself even as they pout in that hot car.
Go and read the story...its very good example of how to detach from abuse. The rest of her story may sound familiar as well. My prayers are with her.
From time to time I wanted to write about items I find in my travels across the internet! I realize this is NOT related to domestic violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse...or FAITH! I do know alot of my readers have their own blogs, and I wanted to call you attention to one that has been quite helpful to me! She has some good templates, widgets and tutorials just about anyone could use!
ENOUGH of that! The contest she is running currently is asking about a item that is currently NOT available on blogger, but you would like it to be! Amanda is one gifted women, and bet she could come up with some!
I decided I was going to take the more smarty pants approach, since blogger lately has been annoying the heck out of ME! You know those stinkie bX errors? The ones that always come up after you have placed alot of work into something, and then can't SAVE the work??
I want more than the 'report bX error' page! I want widget that make them pay attention to them a bit more! Maybe something like this!
I mean wouldn't that be awesome?
okay - smarty pants rant over. I will try to be nice now! LOL!
Kimberly B. George of Faith and Gender wrote a paper about domestic violence. I have to say a major KUDOS to her and her voice and gift for writing this peice!
The number of American soldiers killed in Iraq almost equals the number of women who have been killed on American soil by husbands and boyfriends over the same span of time. Since 2003, just over 4000 American soldiers have been killed in the war. Approximately 6000 women have been killed on the homeland (1).
Like the soldiers killed in battle, these deaths have left children without parents, fathers without daughters, brothers without sisters. Children witnessing domestic violence are suffering posttraumatic stress disorders. Many of the boys who witness the violence of their fathers will themselves grow up to physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse their partners.
I long for Christian communities to pay more attention.
YIKES I didn't even realize that! MORE people have been killed by domestic violence than in the war so far!
Sadly, the ones that don't have to deal with deaths are effected as well. They in a way are dealing with ongoing war. They keep fighting, and most of the world silently sit back and ignore it.
What amazed me recently was the world's reaction to the cult in Texas, and how taken back by it they were. Yet in Christain homes domestic violence happens, and the family members are told to basically coddle the abuser so they won't have the excuse to abuse. The world reacted to the different reality of the cult member, but they react differently when it happened in their own fold. You have to wonder why that is!
Because domestic violence, in its very nature, feeds on our silence, like any kind of abuse. Women in these relationships are often controlled, isolated, and threatened to speak of what is happening to them. The psychological damage is so deep that many have felt stripped of a sense of self, not to mention any kind of financial resources. Women and children fleeing domestic violence is one of the leading causes of homelessness– in fact, some studies have claimed up to 50% of homeless women are fleeing violence in their homes.
50% of the homelessness, and people wonder WHY she doesn't just LEAVE! WOW!
Domestic violence is a deep wound in our society that cuts across lines of class, education, religion, race, and socio-economics. Christians are not immune. I know an agency in my own city that routinely serves male pastors and other churchgoers who are coming forward needing help for their abusive patterns in their marriages. The agency offers assistance to Christians who abuse and Christians who are being abused.
But, we do need to begin to speak. We do need to engage our culture with Good News– both for perpetrators and victims. Many of the perpetrators know these patterns of physical, emotional, verbal and sexual violence because they too grew up in a home with such abuse. Men who perpetrate need help and compassion, too. Our society often does not give men what they need to be able to recover well from their own pain and traumatic experiences; nor does it provide very much guidance in emotional development within the context of certain stereotypes of masculinity. The church needs to listen to men, too, in coming to better understand why some men harm women.
That is so true! History has taught us that the church in alot of circumstances don't listen to women, and leave these men to their sin. To their broken state. They leave them to their pain, and not many will be offered healing! They will deny these things at first, and YES it is a huge battle to win but its possible. Most concentrate on changing the victim so they can change their reactions, and to me that is not placing SIN the the light of truth! The bible states that those that live in darkness do not like the light, because of the exposure and alot of the time the church enables that to happen.
Statistics are beginning to indicate that domestic violence in some Christian communities is on par with secular communities (2). Even more startling, is that the research is finding that Christian women stay in these abusive relationships longer, which is particularly frightening, because as those who study DV know, abuse only gets worse over time. Because “until death do us part is taken very seriously” in Christian culture, it can be very difficult to get out of abusive marriages. Furthermore, there might be not be safe places in churches for the abuse to be disclosed– especially when the abuser has a high position of power within his church.
Its that a sickening and repeating pattern. I think that is one of the points that I started this blog to begin with. My folks always told me if they were NOT there to help that the church would be. For many in domestic violence that is not the case. Emotional and Verbal abuse isn't taken serious enough despite what James 3 states, and the wholes message of 'God Hates Divorce' chapter speaks about.
Abstract-Ellie wrote about a call regarding a women whom experienced a beating from husband per the advice given on Family Radio. I guess the victim alone needs counseling in cases of domestic violence!
Pastor: Ok, let's have the next caller
Caller: Hi Pastor, my sister called you about 6 months ago about some of your tracts she was handing out at her church, and how her husband didn't approve?
P: OK, and what can I do for you today?
C: Well, you said she should hand out the tracts and then let her husband discipline her later.
P: OK
C: Well, he disciplined her pretty hard. Gave her a couple of breaks and stuff. My question to you is, does she have to to go back to him after what's happened?
P: (long pause) Well, uh, one thing I should say is... this abuse.... uh... don't think of it as justification for a divorce, God tells us how no matter what, divorce should never even be thought of as an option, so please please, don't even think about that.. Now, maybe your sister might be able to find some counselling that would help, and perhaps even be estranged from her husband for a while until things calm down a little; but never... never... consider divorce. Thank you for calling today, let's have our next caller
Can we say denial? YIKES! God wishes people to get healing, and that also includes abusers. Victims of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse or ANY form of domestic violence are NOT called to return after a 'cooling off period'.
Going back doesn't heal them - God can but it will have to be with agreement and effort on behave of the abuser. True repentance of their wrongs. That's doesn't mean half baked excuses like, "I told you I was sorry can we drop it now? We don't need to talk about this anymore!" type of responses!
Beanerywriters had a very telling poem on behalf of abused children. It a poem of domestic violence towards the child. It speaks volumes of the effects of verbal abuse of a child, and effects of emotional abuse of a child. Granted the poem speaks of both parents abusing the child, but the message is the same at times even with just one abusing. Abuse effects children even when they are NOT the direct victim!
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. The poem/song below was written by Linda, who experienced soul-deep abuse from her parents during her childhood. It is posted with her permission. —Carolyn
(Chorus) I’m a well-adjusted child, But things weren’t always this good. When Mommy would beat me, And Daddy would abuse me, I loved them the best that I could.
(Verse 1) Now I know that there’s others just like me, Who think that no one is there. I want to help, Please, God help me help them, Simply because I care.
(Verse 2) Now I know how it hurts deep inside, And the pain is too hard to bear. As I fall to my knees, Dear God, hear my pleas, Let’s let them know that we care.
(Verse 3) If you see a child who is hurting, Don’t turn you heart away. Give him your love, And ask God above, To save him before it’s too late.
The church needs to show that they hear victims of domestic violence. They need to HEAR the effects of verbal and emotional abuse! They need to hear they must take action! God does hear, and I don't think he likes the church's reaction. I wanted to give examples of ignorance, and how people are silenced. AND how some people WANT to hear!
I'm Standing on the Edge of a Raisin is a very heart wrecking story of a survivor of domestic violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse ...and much MUCH more!
So many times I have heard stories of others telling spouses that are experiencing domestic violence that they MUST get into couple's counseling PRONTO! That's insane! Couple's counseling is the LAST thing you do! I'm not going to say you NEVER do that, but certainly NOT while the abuser is still ABUSING!
Lets use some common sense for a minute here okay? YEP here comes my sarcasm! You have one person that controls and is abusive and chances are very vindictive at times! A scary person! Then you have the victim. Lets go back to our childhood and remember the bully and the one they LOVED to beat up on a regular basis! What happened to that bullied child in the principal office if he tattled? If the child did it once - they thought twice if they were faced with it again! Payback is normal for abusers also. Did you know that when a couple gets OUT of joint counseling - a couple that experiences physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse - domestic violence in general - have the WORSE ride home from counseling and also could be very dangerous for the victim? Think of the bully child again for a moment! Do you think that bullied child felt perfectly safe on the ride home from school on the bus? In alot of stories I heard growing up that child was waiting to get plummeled! GUESS WHAT!! The victim spouse will ALSO!
Abusers and victims of domestic violence need separate types of help. In most cases victims are afraid to speak up about TO much in counseling if their abuser is staring them down! They know the emotional abuse and verbal abuse will follow, and chances of them getting hurt with physical abuse is a possibility as well. The world and irresponsible counselors don't get that! SERIOUSLY where is their common sense?? THEY should KNOW better! Abusers and victims may not think that far ahead! LOL I take that back abusers LOVE joint counseling - they can control that!
Okay! Off my soapbox! Lets get to the blog I linked to!
THe blogger spoke of her experiences with a counselor that truly didn't get it! The counselor had NO experience with domestic violence, and here is this poor lady having post tramatic stress issues, and all the counselor could say was WHY didn't you JUST LEAVE??? Ahem. She did leave! She was living in a domestic violence shelter, and the counselor KNEW that!
She was told she just liked living in the 'victim' world! What I see from that comment is that people need to silence victims. Victims of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, etc all need to have their voice back! They need to SPEAK of this things, and they need to learn to grow past them. Anger has been surpressed for so long, and its just like a pressure cooker you may spout some steam out from time to time.....but you truly need to HIT that release value soon as its SAFE to do so! Its NOT safe to do so while living within a abusive relationship! What is really awful is you are not allowed to feel happy, proud, sad or anything else either! You have to FEEL what the abuser wants you to otherwise you will pay. Victims will speak alot once they feel safe, and you need to find people that are supportive enough to listen! THAT is your first step to abuse survivor!
When my father died part of my grieving process was speaking about his last day on this earth. I struggled with this for some reason, and I think it was due to the fact I had to make the decision to allow him to go. My father told me this is what he wanted, and he had me promise that it would be done the way he wanted it done. He was terminal. It was matter of how long did they wish him to suffer. When the time came all the other families members were gone, and I went ahead with my father's wishes. I think part of my guilt was the fact they may be upset over this decision. Later I found they were relieved, and I'm sure part of that was they didn't have to do this! Can't blame them there! I don't regret it okay? I look back and it was the best decision. I don't blame the family members for NOT wanting to be the ones to make it either! Its never easy no matter WHAT the circumstance is! I think I doubted for a long time. I will never forget my father telling me he didn't want to be another Teri Schiavo! That woman that her husband fought to take out her feeding tube, and allow her to die? He had the paperwork ready, but he feared it! He trusted us to know when it was time. I think grief at times turns on all kinds of faucets - they just pour out all kinds of feelings, emotions, etc. I needed to talk about it. TALK about I did! It helped me so much!
Take a good look at her article! She broke it down in sections. I hate to say this but this happens at times with alot victims of abuse. Remember abuse isn't gender related! I'm sure some irresponsible slug will tell a man to BE a MAN... or insane comments along those stereotypes!
If you are getting help with emotional abuse, verbally abuse - or any realm of domestic violence related relationship and you SNIFF anything familiar with this article RUN like the wind! There are supportive people keep talking until someone listens! GOD bless!
I wish he would just HIT me so I would feel I could leave!
You have to be extra nice to your spouse and be very careful to avoid any disrespectful judgements....you don't want to give your husband any ammunition like angry outburts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands as an excuse
No one takes me serious enough because he has never laid on hand on me!
It truly kills me when I read things like this, and other statements people have made to shame the hurting person into staying put. Telling them this is their axe to grind for life, and just pray for them and be nicer ..... and wait for God to come down on their heads!
Danni at Because It Matters did a awesome series of articles about verbal abuse.
Because we identify people by their external appearance, we are confusing physical injuries with the substance of the abuse. OK, that sounded a little disconnected. Bear with me a minute here.
Remember, who you are is not your body. You are the person who is wearing that body suit during this earthly lifetime. Who you are is independent of your body, though the two are connected.
What makes physical abuse so horrific is the same thing that makes verbal abuse so horrific. What makes either one unbearably bad is the attack on the person — the real person, not the body being worn by the person. Physical abuse generally comes with verbal abuse. The physical abuse communicates assault, hatred, even murder, against the person within the body. The physical abuse is a vehicle for the heart of the abuse - the attack on the person inside the skin.
Abuse is an assault on the person. It can and will kill the person. Physical abuse is just one manifestation of abuse - it is not the worst; it is the most visible and it can certainly kill the fastest. All forms of abuse can and will kill because they are attacking who the victim really is. The heart of all types of abuse is the assault on the person — sometimes through the person’s emotions, sometimes through the person’s self worth, sometimes through the person’s body, sometimes through the person’s spirit — but always against the person.
How completely true is that? People can't see this, and place that barrier there. Even with physical abuse the attack is on the person INSIDE the skin! They may pummel the body, but what they are really after - or what they want to truly attack - is the person inside.
Their rage and fury isn't targeted towards the eye that was blackened, or the bone that was broke. They were after the person inside that body.
Verbal Abuse and Emotional abuse is an attack on our person INSIDE the skin! Our body is just a shell that holds everything in, but our spirit and soul is what God is concerned about. The way I read it our body doesn't go to heaven, but the person inside the body does. Why people are so concerned with the physical shell so much, and not so concerned about the portion inside that really counts just plain blows me away! I do believe both are important, and God is more concerned about the person under the skin.
They tell you that you can't change the person. God is the only one that can truly help this person change. True. I think at times people need that incentive to want God's love in their life, and wish to follow the way he would have us live.
I was reading a story the other night about a young girl in another country in which they truly treat their young people, and women in such cruel ways that we can't even imagine! A teenage girl was victim of an attempted rape, and when she fought them they beat her and pour acid down her throat...and left her to die. She was near a Christian based hospital, and was taken there for treatment. They spoke of the Lord there of course, and she was saved. The end portion of the story shows her incentive to start that journey of faith!
She lived her whole life believing she was worth very little. When she was left to die, there was no one she could believe in, no one she could look to for love and acceptance.
Asha’s vocal chords were badly damaged from the acid, and she’ll always speak with a raspy voice. Fortunately, she heard the gospel in the missionary hospital and accepted it that very day. “How could I refuse?” she says. “[Jesus’ sacrifice] is the first time a man has ever done anything out of love for me.”
God hated the oppression that girl that to endure in the attempted rape, but no one can tell me he wasn't the least bit concerned over the fact she was always been made to feel worthless. It was oppression of her person inside that got her to that state, and NOT the skin, teeth, bones and the blood inside! Jesus sacrifice was for our person inside as well. The one inside the body. The soul that will be carried to heaven when we die.
If you read James 3 you will see that words are powerful, and very damaging! This chapter speak of signs of verbal abuse, and signs of emotional abuse damage as well. If the bible says this should we ignore that? If the bible states this why is it people ignore it? Why the excuses? Why diversion?
People that mininize verbal abuse and emotional abuse need to go back to their bibles that read what the word says about that.
If they are true bible followers they will take a second look at what their opinions of the past were showing, and see the fruit they could have bared. Once they acknowledge that words are JUST as damaging as being pounded on - because the bible states this - the church will be come a haven for the victims.
People tend to use only portions of the bible that seem to suit them, and they totally ignore other portions. They refuse to see what is clearly in front of them, and have to wonder what God will say to them when its their time to come home!
Why is it that you saw so much oppression, and you did nothing to help? Why were you showing them how to deal with oppression, and not showing them what the light of truth can do? Why did you NOT help those families?
We are always told that God didn't promise an easy life. He didn't tell us that we were not going to have to endure pain and agony at times. People in our bible stories also endured pain, agony as well I realize that. The stories they speak about show purpose to their pain. Where is our purpose with abuse present in the home? Where is the purpose of child verbal abuse, and child emotional abuse when people can help?
What will God say to you when you knew pain was being endured, and you did nothing to help stop that? Verbal abuse is oppression as well. Don't believe the junk about how its HARD to know if abuse is present. How emotional abuse and verbal abuse is hard to spot.....its NOT! We all know we just don't want to admit it. We don't want to deal with it because it will take up to much of our resources, and our time...I mean we might miss our son's soccer game!
The church looks like a huge hyprocite to the secular world NOT just because they don't know the truth, but because the church is blinded by their 'so called' faith when it comes to issues they refuse to deal with. Faith has nothing to do with denial, and yet you see alot of denial within the church.
The secular world will tell an abused party to leave, separate or even divorce, and the church is up an arms. Why? Its better to go home and better a better spouse! Love and honor them, and do something SPECIAL for them! Submit to them, and keep praying that God will help you........and the secular world looks at them and asks, "Why don't you help?"
Strange how I can see God asking the same question!
If the church dealt with the issue of all types of abuse - maybe they wouldn't have to worry about their divorce rates so much!
What do you think?
When the church sees emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse - the whole realm of domestic violence ........ when they start to truly DEAL with it maybe their divorce rates will go down! THAT is what I think!
I finally found it. Its a video I had heard about on PBS, and it speaks about the children of domestic violence. I realize domestic violence is a strong term for alot of people, but if you see this documentary you will realize that signs of verbal abuse, and signs of emotional abuse are always present. Its portion of domestic violence that people don't wish to acknowledge.
There have been alot of critics of 'Breaking the Silence - Children's Stories of Domestic Violence'. The parents that lost custody do speak of course, but the children are speaking just as loud. The children that grew up, and were able to see things clearer now. They also see the emotional child abuse, and the verbal child abuse that was used towards them. It talks to the children that were ripped from the parents that cared for them, and how the system at times can work against them. It has children that have finally escaped, and NOT just their parents that wanted custody of them. It shows how backwards the system can be, and how at times people can't see the things they will be fighting for until they get out!
It speaks of sexual abuse, and horrible domestic violence of all realms! Please keep in mind it could trigger some watchers!
I found two links, and I hope that one of them you can play. Its about one hour long.
Breaking The Silence; Children's Stories October 2005 PBS Documentary- (1hr 4 min)This powerful PBS documentary chronicles the impact of domestic violence on children and the recurring failings of family courts across the country to protect them from their abusers. In stark and often poignant interviews, children and battered mothers tell their stories of abuse at home and continued trauma within the courts. The one-hour special also features interviews with domestic violence experts, attorneys and judges who reveal the disturbing frequency in which abusers are winning custody of their children and why these miscarriages of justice continue to occur. This Documentary is a part of the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights lawsuit (Dombrowski v US) in conjunct with other National Organizations on behalf of Battered Mothers and Battered Children Nationally. Entire Petition here: http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/ocean/host.php?folder=3&page=468
Please note: This video is NOT about gender bashing! Its not against MEN in general! There have been alot of very ugly cases in the opposite direction, and I know at times men have a harder time with this. Say thank you to stereotypes!
Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse and the rest are the enemy.... no gender is immune!
Congratulations to Verizon Wireless -- CAEPV's "Member of the Month." Verizon Wireless has a long history of working to prevent domestic violence both within the workplace and in the communities where it does business. Verizon Wireless' focus on preventing domestic violence and raising awareness of the issues began in 1995 with the introduction of its HopeLine® phone recycling program. The program began when the company donated voicemail boxes to local shelters and has grown into a multifaceted program that includes a successful phone recycling and re-use effort, financial support for local and national domestic violence organizations, community and corporate awareness programs, and partnerships with law enforcement agencies, professional sports teams, educational institutions and corporations nationwide.
By 2007, Verizon Wireless had collected more than 4.5 million phones through the HopeLine program and donated nearly $5 million in cash grants to organizations engaged in raising the awareness of domestic violence and in its prevention, and put more than 60,000 wireless phones with service in the hands of local agencies and their clients
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Kim Wells Executive Director of the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence wrote on her blog:
Our partner Safe Horizon and CAEPV premiered this SafeWork training program during It’s Time to Talk Day in 2007. This “train the trainer” model is designed to create SafeWork Certified Trainers in partnering companies, including executives and senior HR staff who have completed a comprehensive curriculum customized to their company’s policies and procedures.
Just imagine the difference it can make for employees when a manager is trained to really recognize what is going on in the workplace and how to help in a compassionate, caring and professional way without compromising a person's privacy. And imagine getting that person to the resources needed quickly and efficiently. That is always important -- but vitally so in cases of domestic violence.
Note: Verizon Wireless is the first company to implement the SafeWork Certified Trainer program created by CAEPV Member Safe Horizon in partnership with the Corporate Alliance. If you are interested in learning more about this training, contact Melissa Madzel at mmadzel@safehorizon.org.
YEP this is my tool for TUESDAY!
Thank you to Verizon Wireless! CAN WE HEAR YOU NOW??? YEP! We hear your call to help us in our fight against emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and domestic violence in general!
I was reading today, and I found a blog called, My Quest My Identity? Empowering Woman.. It speaks of patterns of Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, and Physical Abuse within relationships
The blogger has some very good information on the blog about domestic violence.
One of the things that I remember in my own journey to recognize the emotional abuse, and I see with so many others the reality that abusive people seem to say the same things. Its like they can some type of script they all use, and that is sign of emotional verbal abuse. Some victims feel they are the only ones that hear this type of thing, and when they hear what others have to say about their abuser's talk...they look at each other and say, "Are you married to the same person?"
I'm not going to say they are all the same, because some have slightly different signs of emotional abuse. That was one of the excuses I gave myself when I didn't wish to face what was happening to me. I remember reading Patricia Evan's 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' for the first time, and I had all kinds of reactions to this.
Her book really was a wake up call for me, and I remember it took days for me to finish it. I would read a little bit, and put it down because it was just to much for me to face. I realize this isn't a faith based book, but I can't tell you how much it has helped me and others as well.
If you are man that is being abused please don't take offense to the gender references, because if you stay open minded while you read this book you will find it applies to you as well. Just replace the 'He' 'Him' with 'Her' 'She'. I do know a number of men that have read this, and it was an eye opening experience for them as well for emotional verbal abuse.
The faith aspect does add some additional uglies to the mix of the 'verbal abuse definition'. Their stressing of authority, or headship, or maybe even submission. The fact of the matter is abusers all have their tactics, and they are used to tear down the person's sense of self worth. They attempt to make you feel you are dependent on them at times, and that no one else would want you for any reason. They all have their points they try to make about others, but what I never realized until later was they couldn't even even step up to their own standards.
As I mentioned before when I read Patricia's book she had mentioned some pretty stereotypical traits that aren't uncommon about abusive people. I didn't relate to all of them in my own situtation, and so I made the decision it couldn't apply to me since all the signs of emotional abuse and verbal abuse were not present. I had all kinds of excuses. Don't make that mistake yourself, because it really didn't do me much good. I was denying things because all of the signs of abuse didn't apply. I think we all have our excuses at times don't we?
After I while I read a second book that was recommended to me, and it was like the icing on the cake.
I think I was drawn to this book mostly due to it's title! WHY does he do that?? by Lundy Bancroft. What this book did for me was breakdown the different traits of abusers. It showed how to reach healing the scars of emotional abuse, and the secret of overcoming verbal abuse. I realized at that point that not ALL abusers did the same thing. Lundy broke them down into different aspects (or behavior characteristics), and when he did that I realized I couldn't hide anymore. If I remember correctly there was three that really hit home for me. Lundy does speak more about men who batter their wifes, but it was the personality types that I was more after than anything. He also spoke of the mindset they live in, and I could just feel it in my bones at that point. I finally realized it wasn't ME! First big step towards healing!
Again, if you are man please look at this differently. The patterns of behavior don't change because of gender. Remember the enemy is the abusive behavior, and NOT the gender! Its not even the person.......remember its the behavior that is evil!
The blog I mentioned at the beginning has an article called, 'These are some of the common things abusers say'. It reminded me of the beginning of my journey to realize what was happening in my life.
I think I got all caught up with 'look to yourself', and make sure I did what was expected of me. Taking the LOG out of my own eye, but I truly had a hard time accepting him for whom he was. I could never understand why a person would wish to be so negative, ugly, cruel...and I never understood the way of thinking it just wasn't rational! Lundy showed it wasn't rational, but the reality was it was THEM!
I knew what I would be told from the church, and I knew the lessons that had been taught in my past. I knew something was missing. Something they were not looking at either. They never addressed concerns of the effect of verbal abuse and emotional abuse towards a child - even if they were not a direct victim! My faith portion started in search for answers, and I wanted to know what God would say about my findings. Was I not the proper spouse, and did I somehow cause this to happen to me. What role did I play in this insane world I was living in.
Some people I know really truly liked Patricia's other book, "Controling People":
She also just came out with her newest, "The Verbally Abusive Man. Can he change?":
I personally got alot out of Lundy's second book on the subject, "When Dad Hurts Mom":
My first faith based book was, "No Place For Abuse":
If you don't have money for these please keep in mind you can get them at your local library as well. I still use these books as reference, and to help me with different aspects that I need to remind myself with.
The personality traits maybe different in some aspects, but overall abusers all seem to talk the same language. Its that abuser talk that I was fighting against to keep me out of reality. Don't be legalistic like I was. Its better to face things, and come into the light of truth! Deal with the truth, and your path of healing will be realized even faster!
The secret of overcoming verbal abuse and healing the scar of emotional abuse is educating yourself, and attempt to pull yourself OUT of denial! Only then can the healing begin!
One thing I like about Barack Obama is that he uses the Internet in a new way, not just to get a message out, but to truly engage people. It's pretty obvious that one of the creators of Facebook is a senior adviser to him. This could be a Facebook candidacy ... maybe even presidency.
Latest example: Check out the Fight the Smears portion of his Web site. He won't sit back and let himself be Swit Boated. Not only did the "I'm above that" strategy fail for John Kerry, but responding verbally is not nearly enough in this day and age. You have to put the truth out there and make it easy for people to share it. Obama has done that. I'm impressed. And thanks for Reader Steve H. for sharing this with me.
One quibble. The site claims to debunk the lie that Obama does not recite the pledge or cross his heart during it by showing a video of him leading the pledge once in the senate. Is the claim really that Obama has NEVER recited the pledge? I don't think so. But then again, a weak attack deserves a weak response, I suppose.
It will interesting to see 'Fight The Smears' unfold, and see how many other follow suit!
Chicago Public Radio had a article about a church there that is working with violent men.
On the second-floor of St. Pius V, a Catholic church in Chicago’s Pilsen neighborhood, 22 men are winding down their weekly meeting. Facilitator Carlos López reminds the men about a verse from the New Testament book Ephesians: “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” And López turns to a stocky young man who’s attending for the first time.
The man says last year he and his wife had a fight in which she provoked him and he blacked out. He quickly fast-forwards to sleepless nights this year when he suspected she was having an affair. But some other men in the circle ask him to rewind to that blackout. The young man eventually admits he was choking his wife. López calls that disclosure a step toward taking responsibility for the abuse.
LOPEZ: He was able to break denial. And that happened because of the group process.
The men’s group is part of St. Pius’s domestic-violence program. A social worker named Dolores Tapia manages the program. She says the church at first keeps victims and batterers in separate group sessions.
The men’s group is part of St. Pius’s domestic-violence program. A social worker named Dolores Tapia manages the program. She says the church at first keeps victims and batterers in separate group sessions.
TAPIA: Y cada seis meses evaluamos con las mujeres. Cómo estás con tu pareja? Nosotros vemos que hay cambios. Estás lista para venir a otro grupo acá, que es el grupo de matrimonios.
And every six months, Tapia says, we evaluate with the women. If a woman agrees her partner has made changes, the St. Pius program will invite him to begin meeting with her in a group for married couples. If all goes well, Tapia says, a husband and wife can renew their wedding vows.
TAPIA: Ellos reafirmen sus votos de amor, respeto y fidelidad.
Tapia says that ceremony reaffirms their love, respect and fidelity. But the St. Pius process alarms some other domestic-violence professionals. Ida Anger directs programs on Chicago’s Southwest Side for Metropolitan Family Services.
ANGER: It’s the ‘Beauty and the Beast’ syndrome—that you can reform the beast by being the best wife, the best partner, that you can be.
Anger says the renewal of vows might convince the woman she has fewer options.
ANGER: Once she’s stood in front of the community and said, ‘This is my marriage and we’re making this work,’ and then if he gets abusive again, it might be more embarrassing for her and more humiliating for her to come out and say, ‘This isn’t working. He’s hurting me again.’
Anger says trying to reunify couples would disqualify St. Pius from winning Illinois approval as a batterer-intervention program. But Anger also admits that programs that meet state approval are far less successful than she’d like. Some men drop out of their program. Of those that finish, according to a 2005 study, 15 percent end up back in police hands after another domestic-battery arrest. Experts say some other graduates go back to their abusive ways but never get caught.
Perhaps no one knows more about Latino recidivism than Luis Ortiz. He helped found this state-approved program for batterers in west suburban Cicero. He convenes a dozen Spanish-speaking offenders for a weekly session in a cramped storefront as part of their court sentence. Most of the men are months into the half-year program. But when the 12 take turns telling their stories, just one accepts full responsibility for his violence.
ORTIZ: ‘My wife this’ and ‘My girlfriend did that’ and ‘My daughter this.’ So I think it was still they would not be here if it wasn’t for their other half, creating the circumstances for their demise.
Many domestic-violence scholars say the criminal-justice system alone is rarely enough to get a guy to end the abuse. For that to happen, they say it takes a great deal of social encouragement.
That’s the idea back at St. Pius, the Pilsen parish. Its approach borrows from the late Brazilian education theorist Paulo Freire. He argued that people learn the most when they’re becoming aware of what oppresses them and responding with action. In that vein, the St. Pius sessions often touch on this country’s exploitation of immigrants. The church also departs from what Georgia State University psychologist Julia Perilla calls a tenet of the early women’s movement.
PERILLA: The whole idea was, ‘If we can only get the woman to leave the person, she’ll be safe, and the children will be better off, and she will definitely become a self-sufficient person that doesn’t have to put up with this.’
But Perilla says several Latino domestic-violence programs around the country are putting the victim’s priorities first.
PERILLA: Many of them, they still love those guys. Most men—the guys that have been very violent—they have very good qualities as well. They’re good providers, they’re responsible family members, they absolutely adore their kids and, at the same time, they’re violent.
Culturally specific programs are fine with Larry Bennett, a University of Illinois at Chicago expert on batterer intervention. But he has doubts about the St. Pius effort and others that include religious content.
BENNETT: If you scratch the surface, what you’re going to find is a reinforcement of male domination, the whole man-must-protect-his-family mentality. That’s what you get a lot of with religious programs. And that’s why I’m very leery of them.
The verse about marital love goes over well in the St. Pius men’s group. But they could get a different lesson from a verse just a few lines before: “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.”
LOPEZ: Our goal is to bring the message that a good relationship is an equal one.
Carlos López, the facilitator, insists spirituality helps St. Pius against domestic abuse. But beyond anecdotes, no one has studied whether the program succeeds—whether it helps the men discard their violent behavior or leaves the women in harm’s way.
To me if these men know that renewing the vows are the end goal - are they pressuring these women? I mean is what they want anyway!
Sounds good on the face, but the unsurface makes me nervous!
This video below is about 43 minutes, and it shows the breakdown of the legal system in the family court. Along with personnel it shows the stories of 2 ladies and 1 gentlemen, and how the system isn't working for the rights of the children. How they want to bring about chance, instead of lining the pockets of lawyers, mediators, therapists and the rest.
2008 Family Law Documentary
www.CenterForJudicialExcellence.org As part of our ongoing effort to educate and engage the community, the Center for Judicial Excellence recently produced a 42-minute documentary addressing the serious systemic breakdown of our family courts.
Family Court Crisis: Our Children At Risk features personal testimony from individuals who have experienced the pitfalls of our family law system and expert evaluations of what has gone wrong. The video was screened on the East Coast as part of the fifth annual Battered Mothers Custody Conference on January 12, 2008. www.BatteredMothersCustodyConference.orgAdvocacy
We are taking our efforts to Sacramento! CJE is introducing the idea of a Judicial Performance Evaluation (JPE) program for California to our State legislators. JPE programs already exist in 19 other states and are generally popular among judges and voters alike where they have been established.
Markham's Behavioral Health Linked to a sermon called "Why Have Your Forsaken Me? It deals with domestic violence within the church, and some of the myths and scripture that is used to NOT deal with it!
I have been busy working to create a different look for the blog. I had a test page that I was playing around with, and finally decided this week its TIME to go live!
I know alot of you have blogs and as well, and I wanted to share a blog that have been very helpful fo me!
To often I find that people do not understand verbal and emotional abuse. They tend to downplay it, and if you would JUST be nicer you could change the person.
Diversion off the verbally abusive person and its placed back ON the person that is enduring the abuse.
Below are two examples of children being verbally abused, and people are outraged for good reason.
I found that if is targeted towards a spouse they are asked, "What did you do to make them so mad?" Its not a matter of doing anything. Its a matter of dealing with an irrational person.
Please keep in mind both of these videos can be very triggering to people, so please keep that in mind.
I need to warn you before you view this video that it can be very triggering, and will be hard to watch. The child got to the point where he lashed back, and its a good example of the helplessness you feel when on the recieving end of verbal and emotional abuse. They feel they have no other options but to defend themselves.
It shows how the verbal and emotional abuse that is thrown at people can be constant, and they tend to come back at you will additional attacks.
Both of these examples are of children, and we should be outraged of their treatment. I pray that one day people will take this serious enough to realize that no one should have to put up with this. That includes adults within marriage.
As children live with emotional and verbal abuse WHY is it that people get confused as to why that cycle continues into adulthood is beyond me. The world needs to take abuse in general a bit more serious, and stop making excuses for the abuser.
I see examples of people making excuses for abusive behavior alot, and until it stops or even slows down things will NOT get better!
I think most people have seen lists of behaviors from a number of different sources about emotional abuse, but what most don't grasp is that this is a pattern of behavior. Emotional abuse has a pattern of behavior!
PATTERN is the key element to this concept of emotional abuse, and just because someone is ugly one day doesn't make them abusive.
I think people tend to overuse the word 'emotional abuse' myself. ABUSE in general tends to be overused as well. Abuse is a 'PATTERN' of behavior not just being what the world calls a 'jerk' on occasion. Can't name a person on earth that hasn't been guilty of that!
Recently, I heard a pastor describe this very well. I will try to place it in a nutshell for you. He mentioned that week he had worked with a number of others at the church on a project he was responsible for. They didn't do something his way, and he got all bent out shape over it. Instead of handling it the way we are asked to he basically had a temper tantrum instead. His behavior was far from acceptable. He had one of those moments we have all had when we realize we opened our mouths, and placed our foot into it instead! "OH! I can't believe I just said that!" type of moments! He had to humble himself, and he had to go to the others and apologize and ask forgiveness. He truly repented of this. This wasn't normal behavior for him, and he was genuine about his asking for forgiveness, and repented of his bad behavior.
His behavior isn't called abusive because it isn't a pattern of behavior for him.
If he had a pattern of blowing a gasket when people on projects didn't do things his way it could be different.
If he apologized to people more to save face more then out of genuine repentance that would be completely different as well.
If his apology was full of blame shifting, "I realize I was acting awful, but if you guys would have JUST done what I asked in the first place it may NOT have happened!" This is an example of NOT being very sorry!
I'm sure we have all experienced those types of 'apologies' in the past, and we also know they were NOT very geniune in nature.
Another thing people tend to get mixed up about is the fact that a person that can be emotional abusive can also be a nice, caring person at times.
Just because they happen to be a broken soul that acts sinfully towards others at times because of wrong habit patterns doesn't mean they can't also be nice at times. It also doesn't mean they can't be genuine with their repentance as well at times.
Some people that are emotionally abusive WILL apologize after a while, and some will never mutter a word! Some will say they will stop the behavior, but that normally happens when their world has fallen down around them. Remember a couple of things:
If the pattern of behavior continues, and they don't do anything about it chances are they aren't all that genuine.
If they seek out help, and then make excuses about how that can't continue is another sign.
If they flat out deny things, and tell others they are basically blowing it out of proportion, being to sensitive, or claim that most people act like this another good sign.
Complain they can't do this (help, accountability, etc) with others, because they don't wish others to know their personal business.
Claim their partners behavior is just as bad, and when are they going to address their's also?
Make excuses about how the therapist or counselor would be bias against them for all kinds of reasons.
Claim they can't help it due to their past. ie: child abuse, etc.
They claim its just a bad temper, and YOU know they don't MEAN IT!
People on the receiving end of emotional abuse (remember its a pattern) either tend to get defensive at times, or they start to doubt themselves. They can be upfront in their approach to this person about their hurt over the emotional abuse, and their partner will respond with either:
Not allowing the person to finish their thought
Twisting what they said to tell them what they really mean. Normally very extreme twisting at that!
Mock or Ridicule them
Tell them they are being HURT themselves by listening to a complaint from their partner
Totally ignoring them or silent treatment
Pouts or storms off
Diverts the attention off themselves with statements like: "YOUR not perfect either!" "If you wouldn't do that I would have to act this way!" "I have to do this otherwise YOU won't listen!"
These are just a few. The end equation is that the person that is trying to get the point across about the HURT, or are attempting to explain themselves is brushed off in all kinds of ways.
I think people get this concept of emotional abuse confused by the fact that anyone can be a jerk on occasion. Anyone can call someone names, and anyone can come across as cold and unfeeling. What I tend to get confused about is that when there is a pattern there, and people are reaching out and people offer simplistic advice.
MAYBE you just need to be in a better MOOD most of the time!
Maybe they don't feel loved or respected, and THAT's way they are acting ugly!
People tend to place that burden of their pain right back on their plates. YOU can do something to make this stop in other words. LOOK at your actions, and maybe you are causing this. That's junk! That's excuses of people that don't want to get involved. Pattern show issues with the emotional abusive person that is causing the behavior in this case!
The key here is PATTERN! If your partner has a pattern of mocking, screaming, pushing you to your limit, etc..........THINK! People say we are responsible for our own actions all the time. Why is it when there is a pattern involved, and you mention this pattern they say YOU are responsible! YOU need to change so it doesn't happen. When you take your first step to realizing YOU aren't doing anything to make them blow their stacks... YOU are taking the first step towards doing something about it.
People are responsible for their own actions, and even if someone is 'pushing their buttons'.........that doesn't change. Don't allow others to tell you that is does.
You can find lists of behaviors on emotional abuse all over the internet, so I won't supply you that. I want to give you the key ingredent that most miss out on - and that is PATTERN! PATTERN is the key!
I found this video on youtube, and they are speaking of a segment of the population that are pretty much ignored. They are speaking about the children that are left after one parent kills the other. What happens to them, and the silence they are forced to take on about that day/night when they lost both of their parents.
I can't imagine the pain and torment these children have to stuff away to make it comfortable for the rest of the world, and yet I have to be reminded that even before the death that silence was there.
In this video they are going to speak about what they call, 'uxoricide'. Its a clinical term for when one parent kills the other. The video speaks of what happens to those children after this has taken place.
Most of the time when uxoricide happens the child is taken to live with a grandmother, and in this study those grandmothers asked, 'What about the children? How do we raise them? How do we help them?' They did a search, and there was no material at all about this. None. There was research about the happening of when one parent kills the other, but nothing about afterwards.
They had to do some background for the study, and wanted to start with some adults that had this happen to them during their children.....and what happened to them.
They started to use what they call the 'Campbell' study, and they found that in 65% of the cases children were home during the homicide. 43% witnessed the homicide. They also wanted to see many children were actually effected, and they came up with a number just over 4,000 children nationwide. They wanted to compare that to another group of children, and they picked childhood leukemia in which 2,600 to 2,800 children are effected. How much more funding and attention do those poor children get compared to those of uxoricide! We have a huge segment of the children that are pretty much being ignored.
They study currently had spoke to 40 adult survivors or uxoricide, and they were holding this talk in hopes of finding additional adults to help them with this study. They were looking towards the audience for referrals in a way. They wanted to have 90 total to make the study complete in some fashion.
Things they found that happened later in their lifes in many of the participates:
1) Continued violence in their lifes. The number of men and women were equally effected by uxorcide, and both genders were found that violence continued in their lifes. Women reported about being victims, and men were the most up front about the fact they were abusive to their partners. The men were very open about this fact, and once they were arrested they realized they were no better than their father. It effected them so much that alot of them finally turned their lifes around. They learned to find ways of helping themselves, and others to wake up about the effects of domestic violence.
I thought that was quite interesting! What about you?
2) The second item is that these children make peace with the parent that killed. Once their parent is released from jail they feel they must reestablish a relationship with that parent.
Common themes:
'We all make mistakes!' 'He was in a blackout! He didn't know what he was doing!' 'Venegance is mine says the Lord' Its not my place to judge what he did.' 'No matter how sick that family tree is - I'm still a branch of it!' I can't escape or cut the family off. 'He is the only grandfather my children will ever have! I can't take that away from them!' Remember we are speaking of adults that grew up after this happened!
One set of daugthers that witnessed their mother being shot, and fell to the floor asked her daugthers to go and get her bible. She then told them to NOT hate their father for what he did....he is sick! She then died. Those two daugthers are now taking care of Dad in their lifes.
In alot of ways children see this as loyality to the memory of their mother.
One chilling story I remember is a child remembering the news media after it happened. The media reported that, 'Estranged husband shot and killed his wife'. This child turned to her sister and said, "SEE everyone knew Dad was strange, and no one did anything to stop him!'
3) I just about cried when I heard that these adult children mentioned that this study was the first and only time in their lifes that they were really allowed to ever really talk about this part their lifes.
Most people encourage the children NOT to talk about it. These children of uxoricide should be able to talk about it.
What happens is that if they children were witnesses of the parent being killed they are told NOT to talk about it before the trial! After the trial no one ever tells these children.......its okay to talk about it now.
The children reported that those people that took them in after the uxoricide told them to place the past behind them, and move on! We aren't going to talk about that - it was something bad! Its important now to just get your life together!
Sound familiar? Those children wanted and needed to talk about it.....and in most cases were told NOT to!
4) They also found that most of these children had just one important person in their lifes that impacted them afterwards. Most of the time these children are placed in foster care, and shuffled around from home to home for the rest of their lifes.
One brother and sister mentioned an Aunt they had. She wasn't around that much, but kept in contact with them. Their aunt was a missionary, and was gone much of the time. The aunt came once the homoside took place - which mom shot dad - and she was placed in a mental wards for some months while the aunt took care of them. Once mom was released she was in no position to be taking care of anyone, but the aunt did leave to go back to work in the missionary field. Mom was a broken shell of a person, and wasn't capable of caring for anyone. One thing the children did remember was the aunt was always in contact. She would send letters, tapes and packages. They said just knowing she was there - even if on the other side of the world really made a difference in their lifes.
5) What do you call the person (mom or dad that killed) afterwards?
Most of the time they found that people could NOT refer their parent as MOM or DAD, because it may insult this child or children in some way. They start to call this parent by their first name. That was very troublesome to the children! They wanted to continue to call them MOM or DAD!
6) In alot of cases children find mom or dad after they have been killed, and try to clean up the room or the mess. Its one of the most painful memories, and yet is constant with these children's memories.
They look at it as trying to take care of the mom or the dad.
At the end of the video one of the men that did this study presented a study of one of the families (children) of uxoricide.
The last portion was a women that survived this in her childhood, and spoke of a conversation she had with her grandchild.
'Grandma where is your Mom and Dad?'
'Where is my Mom and Dad honey?'
'Grandma your Mom and Dad are in heaven!'
'Your right! They are!'
Even after all these years this women had such a hard time speaking of this, and she had such a hard time just keeping it together to speak to this group of people.
I found the silence is always present during these cases. Silence is there when its happening, and silence and denial is happening after an escape for that life. Silence is even there when someone is killed.
I'm praying for these children of uxoricide, and I will pray for the adult survivors as well. I will pray that the silence is broken, and people are finally allow to speak of this. My hope for them is peace finally. Love, Joy and Peace!
