Tuesday, December 05, 2006

This is a form of proper communication?

Posted by Hannah at 10:33 AM

I read faith boards here and there, and it seems to me a repeating theme keeps coming up! Its almost like people REFUSE to see uglies in other people’s lives, and keep asking them “What did you do to cause this? Can’t you just tell him!?” I have to admit that is more than just irritating to me! Its seems to me people don’t even listen – or read in this instance what people are writing! Then they counterdict themselves in the end!

There was a post recently about how a couple works for the same company, and they drive to work together. His position there is sounds like is very satisfying to him. She went and finished her degree, and then was offered a job in that area. She mentioned that her husband is very happy where he is, and she is a bit bored with her position there. She was looking for something else a bit more up her alley. When she approached him with this exciting offer he was very upset! It would depress him if she took the job. It would be awful for her to work somewhere else. When she attempted to speak about WHY she wanted this job he became very angry. Tells her that she is never satisfied, and she needs to be okay with what she has. There was no mention of children or anything else here. If you read the post you could feel her frustration…all she wanted to do was talk about it. He placed this wall up and refused!

She got responses like:

See? This is what happens when women set foot outside the home. Confusion, strife... women should stay IN the home where they belong!
(Sorry - had a strange entity possess my keyboard.)

Seriously, though, if I was in your situation and my husband was that dead set against the new job, I'd stay where I was. Is the new job worth causing marital problems? So I'd stay there and pray for my husband, that if it's God's will for me to get a new job, He'd change my husband's heart in the matter.
At this point you can't cajole your husband about this or persuade him - his mind's made up. The best way to change his mind is to have God change it for you.


How much of you does your husband get, with your career as it stands? Do you think he might be worried that he'll be getting even *less* of you if you decide to "better yourself"? Is it even remotely possible that he's right--that you don't know how to be content?

I'd choose husband and marriage over my career any day. But then, I'm one of them pregnant and barefoot nutters--I was even in the kitchen 5 minutes ago!


I would say: Honor your husband. But, that seems to be an unpopular opinion in here.


Prior to marriage what did you and dh agree to regarding his career, your career, work hours and obligations etc.

Also, I'd like to throw this in the mix as it is something I see in counseling often. Sometimes a wife provides a profound sense of security and accountability for her husband that her husband doesn't know how to articulate and that the wife doesn't realize. I don't know what the dynamic is like at the company, but is it possible that your DH wants you to stay at the company because there is a certain amount of strength/accountability he gains from you being there? For example (and this is just one example), is there a woman your husband has to work particularly close with and he finds strength and accountability knowing you are near by? Perhaps your presence is a greater strength to him than you estimate.


We as women need to learn the words of prayer, instead of nagging or using our mouths against our husband (I'm just saying in general). If there is something you don’t agree with or understand towards your husband, learn to take it to the Lord in prayer. Because marriage is about sacrifice.


One of the happiest days of my life was when I honored my husband's request that I stop working and "just be a wife." I prayed much, sought counsel, and ultimately decided to trust God and my husband... and I quit.


Hi! My husband and I just celebrated 22 years of marriage in October. We have 3 kids ages 19, 20 and 21. I have been a stay at home mom and wouldn't trade it for anything. I know that is not for everyone though. I'd like to encourage you to respect your husband’s wishes. How sweet he wants you near him. God WILL reward you respecting your husbands wishes. Maybe not right away but down the road somewhere He will.

I can’t say I disagree with a lot of the comments above okay? I do think they are missing the boat on the real issue here! The issue is his response will cause walls of resentment to be built up, and she will no longer feel free to speak her mind! She attempts to speak to him, and he gets mad! She tries to explain to him she wants a bit more in her job, and he tells her she is never content. The issue these ladies seem to be missing is the communication factor! He is going out of his way to stop all communication within the relationship, and these ladies are saying, “That’s okay!” They ignore his selfish responses, and ask her who is more important the job or him? I don’t understand WHY they feel the need to address that portion, and ignore the real problem of how he responses, and how that can push her away and they will lose the closeness of a marriage. I don’t think the job issue is the problem right now. It’s the way he is handling her concerns, opinions and insight into what is important to her. I mean if he approached in a different manner she may or may not take the job, BUT the future of resentment towards the spouse would not even be a possibility if they could resolve this! If they could find some type of compromise! He offered nothing, and that is where my issue is!

I guess I have issues with ladies of faith that ignore the real issues, and gloss over them with words that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. Almost shaming her over her concern. Her husband should NOT be making her feel badly about this job possibility! They should talk it out, pray about it, and then decide what is best for the family. Both sides will feel heard, and both sides will feel better about it. I seem to wonder if the faith followers are almost asked to ignore issues instead of dealing with them. If it looks like it may cause some friction – don’t go there! Don’t feel like you are being ignored – take it to the Lord. They are encouraging them NOT to communicate on any real level. He will get upset if you talk – so don’t! Shallow what is inside of you, and don’t address the fact this man needs to communicate better! If you can’t do that you aren’t doing your job as a woman! Have the Lord hit him over the head with this fact it’s not your job to point it out. LOL and they wonder why so many marriages are in trouble in the churches! Their verses they love to type out so much on the keyboard about submission, etc are just fine! It seems they are missing the point that God encourages things to go both ways in order for the relationship to grow! Don’t gloss over the fact that he acknowledges if you don’t you will have issues. LOL Its not because of your faith either its because of debits between the two of you. How is your husband going to learn to love you more and more as the years pass if you can’t even bring up something that bothers you! How is he going to know you in any real sense if you are not allowed to question? Everyone’s feelings and concerns are important! You hear people scream about communication, and yet you hear others discouraging it at the same time. Why?

It makes no sense to me. It’s clearly a bottleneck that the church has placed there if most people feel this way. You don’t have one gender being asked to just hush and pray while the other spouts off their needs and wants and everyone is to follow that alone, and then expect everyone on this earth to be happy! It may work for some people, but not everyone and it’s not bad either! Everyone has different ways of communication, and when you feel you are blocked from communicating at all you get lost. Why is that so hard to understand? Prayer on these matters is always needed, but communication done property with your spouse is needed also.

It seems to be people are asking others to stuff their feelings, and ask God to change them so they don’t feel so lost. You are not allowed to speak with the person you have issue with. Just pray for a change of heart, and wait for it happen. Okay then. I’m waiting for the book to come out now. “Do all for your man, and don’t worry about you! That is what God wants you to do! Encourage men to be selfish!”

Bleck! I refuse to step foot into that conversation!

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Anonymous said...

To all you people who are saying submit:
You don't know what it's like to have your "man of God" (a deacon): criticize you, belittle you, shove you, threaten you with horrific bodily harm, physically agress towards you, yell at you, physically intimidate you, scorn you, lie about you to be vilified by others, withhold sex and affection, withhold intimate conversation, not pray with you, not read with you, disregard your mental and psychological well being, not hug you when you are having a panic attack, try to seperate after all of the above, constantly threaten to divorce you; watch people think you (me) are the problem and have brought it on yourself - Chrisitan people, not share finances equally and withhold access to financial accounts, hear him say he could find another wife or he doesn't love you anymore, know that ministers, deacons, pastors know all of the above and didn't even stand up to defend you remotely but rather, did what they could to "go easy" on him cause they favor him, still be at the church where people know this has happened but somehow still think highly of him and not so highly of you.

To have all this happen and say that one should listen to your husband, some of you just don't understand. I did not marry to get divorced but I don't want to stay in abusive situation. While most of the above no longer occurs (except for the financial stuff and the fact that I have not had a real apology or real reconciliation for what was done), knowing it has and knowing your husband did those things is heart wrenching. How does a person forgive all that without reconciliation? You must forgive but is it healthy to stay? Especially since the past has not been truly rectified.

It's easy to talk about "submit" when your situation is just the regular arguements and moments of silence couples go through. But when someone doesn't respect you and tries to control you and then switches now that everyone is watching so it looks like they are the good guy, it's disheartening and depressing. You feel disgarded and uncared for; confused; maligned; antagonized.

I am yet to make a final decision, for of course you know the above situation is my own. As Christians, we still have to make wise decisions otherwise, we do the kingdom of God more harm than good. So, I agree that all of my husband's actions show someone who has left the marriage covenant and doesn't care for God's heart and in that, I am allowed to also "leave" since he is no longer a believer (even if he holds a church title) and professes to be a Christian. Before any other ministry, a husband's marriage is his first one. If he is handling that poorly, God does not notice all the other ministry running around.

Easy for anyone to give some overspiritualized answer when they are not in that situation. Though marriage is about sacrifice, last I checked, the husband was supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. The sacrifice starts with the husband, not the wife. Wives submitting to an unbeliever is to deny the presence of God in their lives. And despite title and other behaviours, you are a believer because you love the Lord and confess him to be your Lord and Savior, not just your savior. A man that would intentionally mistreat his wife is a man that does not love Jesus.

Anonymous said...

*sigh* This post sounds SO much like my life... :(

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