Conference to explore issues of faith, domestic violence

Copyright 2004 The Tulsa WorldTulsa World (Oklahoma)September 11, 2004

Saturday Conference to explore issues of faith, domestic violence

GINNIE GRAHAM World Staff Writer

Battered spouses often find conflict in their beliefs in God and violence occurring in their homes.They hear from faith leaders that divorce is a sin, women must reconcile with their husbands and believers should not go to court against other believers.

So a battered spouse returns to the violent home hoping for better.

"Because we were not dealing with the reasons why our clients were staying in these relationships, which had to do with faith, they were dropping out," said Felicia Collins Correia, executive director of the Domestic Violence Intervention Services."We had a number of clients coming in with these issues of faith and are paralyzed. We had to educate ourselves."

An interfaith advisory committee was created in the late 1990s to create a bridge between the work of DVIS and the faith community.  Through its work, partnerships have been created in Tulsa for intensive training sessions for faith leaders and annual conferences. 

A conference exploring the role faith leaders have in ending domestic violence begins at 8:30 a.m. Tuesday at the Jewish Federation of Tulsa, 2021 E. 71st St.  Three national speakers will provide keynote addresses, lead small group sessions and participate in a panel discussion.  The event is being presented by DVIS and Tulsa Metropolitan Ministries with sponsorships from the Anne and Henry Zarrow Foundation and the Jewish Federation of Tulsa. 

The Rev. Dr. Joseph C. Parker Jr., pastor of David's Chapel Missionary Baptist Church in Austin, Texas and former trial attorney, will discuss how a church can support a batterer while holding that person accountable and requiring change.

Nancy Murphy, director of the Northwest Family Life Learning and Counseling Center based in Seattle, will speak about providing a compassionate response to victims of family violence and the role of faith leaders in aiding victims.

Naomi Perry, lead coordinator for the Parent-Child Interaction Training Program in Washington state and therapist at the Harborview Center for Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress in Seattle, will address how children respond to domestic violence."We put on the conferences for the community and for ourselves," Correia said.

"We bring in leaders who challenge us and our organization."  Correia said DVIS has been working with the faith community since 1988, when the agency located various spiritual and scriptural references for clients to use in decision making.  "If anything is new, it's that we're not taking the issue and putting it in a corner," Correia said. "We are looking at what our organization can do as a nonprofit to be of help and have partnerships. 

"Since the training sessions and conferences began, faith leaders are understanding that DVIS is not about breaking up families, Correia said.  The leaders have gained knowledge about not minimizing violence that may occur and how to react to the serious nature of violence in families, she said.  Keeping faith leaders accountable for appropriate counsel -- similar to law enforcement -- is a suggestion from the DVIS interfaith advisory council.  Currently, faith leaders will contact each other with concerns about advice given to families in crisis."This is not just us as an outside organization, but us on the inside saying these are important issues," Correia said."People now in the faith community understand what our role is and how and when to refer to us."

Ginnie Graham ginnie.graham@tulsaworld.com

James Chapter 3 in the Bible

This verse spoke to me personally, and I wanted to share.

James 3:1

Taming the Tongue

1Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.
3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, 8but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt[a] water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Two Kinds of Wisdom

13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Footnotes:

James 3:11 Greek bitter (see also verse 14)

One discussion online! What do you think??

This was a discussion I had on a faith board. Here are some bits and peices...what do you think? Comment section at end of posting - or bottom of website


I didn’t want to change the subject of the other thread to another direction. LOL So I will start another one! The other thread spoke about his wife cheating and leaving and now living with another person. To me that is abandonment and adultery so he has every right to file for divorce (from what he wrote so far). She has broken the vows taken within the relationship and crushed them beyond belief! I understand his hesitation also. It seems sometimes you get nailed with so many opinions about things that you really don’t know what is right. I try to sit back and take all others out of my mind, and think of what Jesus/God would say to the person. Even if she did make the decision to come back after all she did it was be very hard for him to regain the trust to rebuild the relationship on. We aren’t perfect after all, and at times I think others can crush your spirit so badly that there is a point of no return. I know that sounds like you don’t have enough faith, but we are talking human nature here. Someone else doesn’t understand that? LOL he made us!

I want to change the subject and direction a little. There are promises that are made when people get married. What part of the covenant or promises that are broken ARE and ARE NOT worthy of separating over that may end in divorce? I’m not talking little annoyances or being ugly on occasion. I’m talking flat out – I don’t care – deal with it – this is me and I am NOT going to change breaks. The types of things that are done to erode the other person. Things done just to hurt. We all have uglies in our relationships. That is a given! I’m not talking about those types of things. We all have our bad days or periods in which we all can be HIGH MAINTANCE! LOL! I understand Jesus said to forgive 7 times 70 times. I think about the thread with this man having to deal with 400+ cheating situations if that were the case! Your spouse has to totally humiliate you 400+ times before you can even think about the situation. If not adultery think of other awful, ugly things – I’m talking more than he ticked me off because he left his underwear on the bathroom floor again okay! LOL! We speak of abandonment and adultery as breaking everything apart, and that is the only reason you have unless you wish to sin. I read my bible I see all kinds of things that he feels is ugly. Things that will break down and tear people apart, but people tend to NOT include those within a marriage. YES this is wrong – EXCEPT if you have a certificate of marriage. LOL then we will question your faith when you say we have reached that point of no return! Those situations DON’T apply once you have entered into marriage, and you must not walk away like Jesus and his followers did.

I agree that you may in certain circumstances have to take on a little more than you felt you would at times, but again I’m talking unreasonable expectations of certain circumstances. It seems all applies EXCEPT if your spouse is doing this – then you must deal with it some way. I tend to really question this. I really do. I wonder at times if people don’t take the “spirit” of what is being said in the bible, and refuse to apply it to other circumstances. “Yes the bible did say this, that or the other thing, but they don’t apply to your situation at all. The only mention of your situation is THIS! So that is all that applies here!” Okay then. LOL doesn’t make much sense to me.

LOL I know I know you want a scripture reference or story here! Okay I look to Judges 19. This story is of rape and murder and totally ignores any hope or grace. LOL I realize it is part of an ongoing saga okay! Just part of the story and history here, but I just want to stick to THIS part of the saga! I realize this woman in the story is first talked about as the concubine – but then he is also referred to as her husband and son in law also! At that time a concubine was also referred to as the second wife if the first was couldn’t produce a child to carry on the family for example among others! It doesn’t mean just an ugly woman in other words! Yes it does sound like she had an affair and moved back with Daddy because she wasn’t happy. The husband at that point decided to come and woo her back. She was basically dropped pretty much from the story after hubby reached Daddy’s house, and YES she did go back home with him after the father and husband made the decision! On the way back home they stopped at a place for the night, and people from the surrounding town (men) came and said send him out so that we would have our way with him! They refused of course, and what ended up happening is this man sent his wife out instead. They raped her and her broken body ended up on the doorway of the place they were staying. He woke up the next morning walked over her and basically said WILL YOU hurry up its time to leave now! When he figured out she wouldn’t move he placed her on an animal and they left! The end of the story is when she gets home and he cuts her into pieces and states that they men that raped her (they didn’t know that part either) did it, and lets go to war!

When I hear this story I bet her adultery wasn’t the only reason she left! I mean look at his attitude! You can’t rape me but here is my wife – have her instead! LOL you think that attitude just started that night? I mean here is a man they felt was respected, and he didn’t cheat or leave – she did! LOL and the reasons she did that are not important because SHE is the one that started it! Ugh. LOL! It is stories like that when I question whether people are not looking into the “spirit” of what is said. It goes against what I read. It goes against what I feel Jesus is telling us! Okay her cheating wasn’t right, but for goodness sakes LOOK at the man’s attitude! Don’t tell he it is a “period” of time thinking here either! People may not go to that extreme now days because of jail time (in most situations okay), but over the overall mindset still lives ON! Both genders do this also!

LOL people say you can only leave under two (maybe) circumstances – that is all that applies! Jesus would tell people to get the heck out of dodge under such abuse of mindset, but NOT if married? I’m sorry that really doesn’t sit right with me! LOL! Okay…correct me – where am I going wrong! It really doesn’t make sense! Don’t be legalistic with WELL she did cheat or his actions don’t apply now days. Because they DO! Don’t go with “she should have known who she married” either. I think that is getting away from what I’m asking! There are lots of situations that happen within the mindset of what was spoken in this story! I’m talking MINDSET over all here! Don’t say she didn’t pray hard enough – or have enough faith! LOL you think people of faith in Germany during World War II were not doing just that? History tells us things happen! There are others also – that one just came to mind because most know the story and the ENDING! LOL! We all know they happen!

Are you only allowed certain promises to be broken? Even in extreme cases? Just because you marry you must take on all uglies – don’t worry about the “spirit” of what has been said elsewhere in the bible? That makes no sense to me. God isn’t that black and white in those cases – I think Humans are!
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I believe I completely understand what you are saying. You are not alone in your thinking.

Much in Christendom is touted about the "LAW" but that leaves little room (oh-so apparently) for the Spirit. The true nature of marriage between a man and a woman is COVENANT, not contract. There is ONLY one being capable of maintaining a covenant alone: GOD.

Human covenant can only be established and entered into by more than one, yet it takes only one to break it. It's the breaking of that covenant that disolves a marriage. Covenant is about MUCH more than 'just' being physically faithful to your partner.

A marriage can be "adulterated" by FAR MORE things than sexual unfaithfulness. Adulteration of a marriage takes place by ANYTHING that consistently and constantly breaks the covenant. At one point in His relationship with the nation of Israel, God called them a nation of "adulterers." He was speaking about the numerous ways in which they continuously broke their covenant relationship with Him. They did NOT have a sexual relationship with God, and yet He judged their adultery. To commit adultery is to "adulterate" the covenant nature of a relationship. Human beings, especially Christians (so it would seem), love the idea of "formulas." The belief we seem to have that a 'formula' can be found to "fix" any and all ills within a relationship is simplistic, and unrealistic, given our very human nature. We still haven't grown up (imo) enough to stop seeing every relationship as the proverbial Cinderella-Happily-Everafter story. As you say, there ARE things that can happen in a marriage that, no matter what formula(s) is/are tried, no matter how many years are spent trying, no matter how much prayer, no matterhow much one may plea or placate, no matter how hard one may work ,no matter how many, or few people are involved in "helping," simply CANNOT be fixed. Too much broken-heartedness, too much contempt, too much disrespect, too much dishonor, too much pain - Too much has transpired in the breaking of the covenant.

Can God restore? Can God repair? Can God "fix" it? Of course! He's the Great Redeemer! BUT, it will still take BOTH people to agree and diligently do ALL the neccessary work it will take to CHANGE. This very, very RARELY happens. Many Christians are convinced they understand - and will JUDGE accordingly - what God has in mind, and plan, for someone else's marriage relationship. ONLY God knows. If He does plan to restore and redeem, you can be SURE it will be fraught with trial and tribulation for the two people involved. They BOTH will have to choose this path back to a RENEWED covenant, and for many, many very human beings, it simply isn't within them to do so. They do not lack "faith" as many would judge, they lack spirit. Their's has been so damaged that recovery for them isn't possible within the scope of that relationship.

Thank the Lord that His GRACE is sufficient!!! . . . because very often, dare I say MOST often, He is the ONLY one those people will receive grace from. Divorce is NOT a - *gasp* - sin. God hates divorce because it is the breaking of a covenant, and the ensuing devastation that means to the spirits of \those involved.

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I do agree with what you are saying!

At times I think people want the marriage to stick together no matter what the circumstances. If you lost both the spirits within the marriage - doesn't matter - you kept the agreement. At times I wonder what is more important - one or both the souls to possibly be lost forever - one or both the souls being able to serve better without the marriage.

In reading some people's opinion the marriage is more important than the people it consists of! Totally blows me away! That makes no sense to me at all. If you lost the people because they were forced to stay together because of teachings others felt were right for them....how is that honoring ANYONE? Where is the honor in that?

Again I'm talking extreme cases.

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. . . I agree. I too, do not believe that God is "honored" like that. I am not God, but I have asked myself over and over, is God "more pleased" by a marriage of 2 "Christians" who have little between them but contempt and bitterness, simply becasuse they "keep the law," or a "pagan" couple who are wholy and deeply committed to one another in an ALIVE loving relationship?

I have viewed both kinds of relationships over long periods of time, and I simply do not believe that keeping the law is enough to warrant pleasing God, nor does it bring Him any special kind of "honor." I've seen too many Christian marriages that failed miserably at bringing honor to anyone, much less God, and yet they bound themselves to existing in this way because of the "law."

I've known other marriages that were far more honoring, and yet, because they were marriages of something other than Christian, or they were unequally yoked, those couples/marriages were "judged" accordingly. It is my belief that God sees this kind of judgement , just as he saw the Pharisees. Woe to them . . .

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Lots of different opinions here....you have any?

A Rabbi's Notebook

A Rabbi's Notebook
by Tzvi Hersh Weinreb

Every Orthodox community has its "horror stories." As an individual who has spoken on the subject of family violence in Orthodox communities across the country, what I find most troubling is that all of the hotlines and counseling programs set up in recent years are inundated with requests for service.

Hotlines for Victims of Domestic Abuse
While little exists in the way of statistical surveys, the number of reported incidents of physical abuse easily exceeds 1,000 across the country. Something is very wrong in our ranks, and it must be addressed vigorously at many levels.

I have listened to dozens of case histories. As a rabbi, I feel I must alert my colleagues to some common mistakes we make when a woman comes to us with a complaint of family violence. Of course, these "notes" are just that: a basic primer of suggestions important for any rabbi or counselor.

1. Don't assume the problem isn't in your community. Domestic violence is prevalent, and is not limited to any one sector. It appears across the left-right continuum, across socioeconomic boundaries and across all age groups.

2. Spouse abuse follows certain predictable patterns of behavior: look for the abusive spouse's need to be controlling and dominating, and the victim's tendencies to be overly forgiving, self-blaming, and fearful of confrontation.

3. Look past the "ehrlicher Yid" facade. Often, the abusive spouse shows his violent behavior only in the home. You may think of him as a model of proper behavior and you may have difficulty believing that he physically abuses his wife.

4. "Ask the question", i.e. when you counsel couples on marital problems, inquire about the ways in which the couple resolves disagreements. Probe the limits by specifically asking whether one spouse has ever lifted a hand against the other.

5. Don't urge couples to reconcile without sufficiently addressing the violence. Too often, rabbis encourage women to return to situations which are intolerable, and think that the husband's expressions of remorse can be taken at face value.

6. Consider the victim's need for physical safety above all other considerations. There have been too many incidents of serious injuries and even several cases of murder within our community.

7. Don't assume the problem doesn't exist in your own congregation, even if no one has ever come forward. Deliver sermons about the values of a proper Jewish marriage in general, and specifically speak about the prohibitions against physical and verbal abuse from one spouse to another. Chances are, your phone will ring that week, and the caller may be a congregant you've known for years.

8. Make use of various training experiences which are increasingly available through various rabbinic groups. Learn how to respond to reports of abuse, what legal options are available, what kinds of counseling is available, and most important, how and to whom to make referrals.

9. Required reading! Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski's The Shame Borne in Silence which describes the problem and offers suggestions for education, treatment, and intervention.

10. Most important of all, the Orthodox community needs to develop an entire range of premarital educational and counseling opportunities within our schools and synagogues. Pioneering efforts are already being made, but much more needs to be done. Get involved.

Rabbi Weinreb is the spiritual leader of Congregation Shomrei Emunah in Baltimore, Maryland. He is the former chief psychologist of the Potomac Foundation of Mental Health in Bethesda, Md.