Abuse on Christmas
WORD OF CAUTION: Please keep in mind that this video has harsh language, and may trigger some people.
I reason I'm using this is because it placing a face - a reality - on the cause of abuse. Sometimes you can describe these things, but it not until you can feel it for yourself do I feel you truly understand. You can feel the mindset of this angry person, and you can feel the venom in his tone. You can feel the no logic or reason, and thrashing out of hurt because he is hurt. It shows the extremes and the Mac Truck that runs over people.
The purpose behind using this video is for others to feel the presence of the mindset of a very angry and out of control person. If you listen to this man you can feel the WHY some can’t just “walk away” because they will follow. You can’t tell them at times, “Until you are calmed down I will not have this discussion with you!” because they will attack with more venom at times. This is the type of reaction children see while living with an abusive person, and this is the type of attack you get from small to large infractions. Sometimes there is no reason – they just had a bad day.
What hurts the most is the people (well meaning I’m sure) asking victims:
“Have you spoken to him about this?”
“How open are you able to be with communication with him?”
“Does your husband realize what he's doing? Does he take responsibility for his actions? Is he repentant?”
Or quoting scripture about submission and changing this situation with your ‘chaste’ behavior. Reminding them what the roles are within marriage, and tell them to NOT take things so personally!
Don’t think this man didn’t speak to his spouse like this before he was asked to leave the house! This rampage is WHY he was asked to leave! As you can hear this type of abuse isn’t just calling names, and being ugly on occasion. It’s a clear attack, and they aren’t capable of handling things in a reasonable manner. I’m not saying abused people act correctly all the time either okay? No one person does! What I’m saying is at times no matter how calmly and submissively you handle this – it needs to be addressed at the root! The person doing the raging needs to addressed! What is also very important to understand is that is NOT a gender issue! This is HUMAN issue, and it can happen to both genders….and it does everyday! I’m sure some are saying, “Well we really don’t know what happened beforehand!” Can you say this type of behavior is justified even under the worse of situations? This is an example of what abuse sounds like, and it is for the purpose of an example! LOL Not to judge what happened, how it happened, etc. It gives you a taste of what people have been trying to explain for years, and being frustrated due to being shut down by others stating they are just being to sensitive or not approaching things correctly.
I’m not saying scripture about marriage; submission, etc are NOT something to bring up! I’m saying it shouldn’t be the first thing brought up! I believe people do this because of feelings of helplessness, and they truly have no clue what they are dealing with! I personally wouldn’t have DREAMED people acted like this on a regular basis. I doubt people realize with some of the forms they use to address this they are basically handed the burden back to the attacked spouse, and telling them to try harder! What really needs to happen is the abuser needs to be addressed, and they need to have some type of healing. Someone like this is a victim of himself or herself, and he or she wounds need to be bound up – not a better attitude from their spouse!
Both victim, abuser and family members involved need different types of help for their different issues. Not that traditional ones that many speak of either!
Lets look at was Faith Institute tells people in their article on how to respond, and see if it makes more sense after listening to this man! I’m NOT going to use all of them, but I will supply the link for you to read the entire thing!
KEEP IN MIND THIS IS NOT A GENDER ISSUE!! IT CAN HAPPEN TO MEN AS WELL!! ITS HUMAN ISSUE, AND THE ISSUE IS CALLED ABUSE!
For the Victim:
DON’T react with disbelief, disgust, or anger at what she tells you. But don’t react passively either. Let her know that you are concerned and that what the abuser has done to her is wrong and not deserved by her.
DON’T blame her for his violence. If she is blaming herself, try to reframe: “I don’t care if you did have supper late or forget to water the lawn, that is no reason for him to be violent with you. This is his problem.”
DON’T recommend couples counseling or approach her husband and ask for “his side of the story.” These actions will endanger her.
DON’T recommend “marriage enrichment,” “mediation,” or a “communications workshop.” None of these will address the goals listed above.
DON’T send her home with just a prayer and directive to submit to her husband, bring him to church, or be a better Christian wife.
DON’T encourage her to forgive him and take him back.
DO NOT encourage her dependence on you OR BECOME EMOTIONALLY OR SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH HER.
DON’T do nothing.
For the Abuser:
DON’T meet with him alone and in private. Meet in a public place or in the church with several other people around.
DON’T approach him or let him know that you know about his violence unless a) you have the victim’s permission, b) she is aware that you plan to talk to him and c) you are certain that his partner is safely separated from him.
DO address any religious rationalizations he may offer or questions he may have. DON’T allow him to use religious excuses for his behavior.
DO name the violence as his problem, not hers. Tell him that only he can stop it; and you are willing to help.
DO refer to a program which specifically addresses abusers.
DO assess him for suicide or threats of homicide. DO warn the victim if he makes specific threats towards her.
DON’T pursue couples’ counseling with him and his partner if you are aware that there is violence in the relationship.
DON’T go to him to confirm the victim’s story.
DON’T give him any information about his partner or her whereabouts.
DON’T be taken in by his minimization, denial or lying about his violence. DON’T accept his blaming her or other rationalizations for his behavior.
DON’T be taken in by his “conversion” experience. If it is genuine, it will be a tremendous resource as he proceeds with accountability. If it is phony, it is only another way to manipulate you and the system and maintain control of the process to avoid accountability.
DON’T advocate for the abuser to avoid the legal consequences of his violence.
DON’T provide a character witness for this purpose in any legal proceedings.
DON’T forgive an abuser quickly and easily. DON’T confuse his remorse with true repentance.
DON’T send him home with just a prayer. Work with others in the community to hold him accountable.
DO pray with him. Ask God to help him stop his violence, repent and find a new way. DO assure him of your support in this endeavor.
DO find ways to collaborate with community agencies and law enforcement to hold him accountable.
Psa 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.
Pro 24:1 Have no envy for evil men, or any desire to be with them:
Pro 24:2 For the purposes of their hearts are destruction, and their lips are talking of trouble.
James 3 speaks about the power of the tongue, and the how you can't have things both ways.
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