Abuse Doesn't Happen in Christian Marriages... Does It?

I was ten years old when I became a believer. I was raised in a great, stable, godly Christian home, with five siblings. My Mom and Dad had a good marriage. They were willing to work at it, and did. They were a wonderful example of the way a Christian home should be.

A year and a half after high school I left home to go to Bible School, graduated, and had then stayed on staff for four years. I went to candidate school with a mission organization and was chosen to raise funds for serving as a missionary.

I was not going to wait around for a marriage partner. I wanted to get busy and do something with my life. My parents, unbeknownst to me, were meanwhile praying that God would not send me to the mission field single!

While I was at Candidate school, a fellow from the Bible school I had attended wrote me and sent care packages. I kept reminding him that I was headed for the mission field and we were to keep the relationship platonic so I could keep focused on my goal. I felt that romance was unacceptable at this point in my life.

He continued to write, call and send care packages.

Before we knew it we were in love. We married two years later. I was twenty seven years old and had waited for God’s partner. I felt that I had a good idea of what a good marriage should look like because of my parent’s example of a good marriage. I felt my expectations were realistic.

Before long we were experiencing difficulties in our marriage and I didn’t quite know what was wrong or how to fix it.

My realistic expectations were shattered. I didn’t think that I had an unrealistic view of marriage. I didn’t expect a perfect marriage, married to the perfect man, but I was not expecting this.

My husband would yell and cuss at me for reasons I couldn’t understand. What had I done wrong? Why was he yelling at me and pushing me around? He would go into rages for the smallest thing. He couldn’t stand me expressing a difference of opinion or questioning him about things. Keep in mind he professed to be a believer. Alcohol was not involved. Most people think this doesn’t happen in Christian homes, and that alcohol has to be involved. Not so.

He would cut me down as a person, degrading me and telling me that it was my fault he was so angry all the time. He made me feel that if I was a better wife, he wouldn’t have to yell at me. He said that he had to yell at me to be heard because I was so stubborn and opinionated. I wondered if maybe I was just being hard to live with. I felt if I just tried harder, maybe I could keep him happy.

When I got pregnant with our first child, the behavior continued. He shoved me down on the couch when we had disagreements. He would drive crazy on the road if we had a difference of opinion while we were driving somewhere.

We lived in a basement apartment that first year of our marriage. I was mortified when the owner of the building, a Christian lady who had been a missionary overseas, came to talk to me and said I would have to move out if her and her husband (they lived in the level above us) continued to hear fighting, yelling and cussing down where we lived! I apologized and tried harder. Nothing worked.

He yelled, degraded, blamed, cussed, drove crazy, shoved, and generally demeaned me. I kept wondering how I could change the situation. I kept accepting the blame. I kept trying harder.

Then, I became pregnant with our daughter. This was our second child. We had been married just three years. I was now sick and tired of what was going on with my husband. I was discouraged and felt helpless. I finally confided in my mother, who suggested that maybe I was in an abusive relationship.

I was stunned. Could she be right?

I was ready to find out. I went to the library and started reading everything I could get my hands on. I read books and pamphlets on abuse. It was definitely an eye opener! In some ways I felt I was reading a part of our history as a couple. I was beginning to understand the dynamics of our abusive relationship.

As far as I’m concerned that was a turning point in our marriage.

I finally confided in my mother-in-law, being careful to not criticize her son, wanting to know about what my husband’s growing up years were like. I explained to her that we were having marriage problems and that I was wondering if there was something I should know about his growing up years that would help me understand, maybe, where the problems were possibly stemming from. She shared with me that my husband had come from a home where alcoholism and abuse were a problem. She had had to deal with that difficult situation over the years. That helped me understand our personal situation further.

God was definitely leading me. That has been the only time she ever opened up to me and shared with me about that past hurt. I respect her for that. It must have been painful for her. I wished I could take it away.

I went home and checked out more books from the library. I now read books on adult children from alcoholic homes. I read the books in secret, while my husband was at work. Then I hid them in the bottom of a dresser drawer before he came home. I knew he would be angry if he found out what I was reading. Every day I read a little more, and every day I could see that what was happening in our marriage was wrong.

In time I came to understand that it was not my fault. It was not my fault that my husband was so unhappy with me, or that he was angry so often. Nothing I could do would change that. It was not my fault that he lost his temper so often. The anger was his. It was not my responsibility and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could change about me to make it better.

Oh, I was never hit hard enough that I was bruised and battered. My heart goes out to you women who experience that kind of abuse at the hands of your husband. I never had a bone broken. I realize that abuse can be so much more serious than I experienced. But I was being abused. I was living daily with a man who had an explosive temper. I was scared. I always wondered how far he would go. His anger was so intense. He broke things in our home, throwing objects across the room and smashing them against the wall. He punched holes in walls. He threw food. He would kick the dog across the tile floor. It was always scary. I was almost always upset. How long can a person live with that?

It was also humiliating. I was a Christian. I had waited to married the man whom I thought was God’s choice for me. I couldn’t talk to anyone in Christian circles, because I was sure they wouldn’t understand. I had tried several times to “leak” out information, putting out “feelers” to see if I would be understood. The reaction was always the same. I just had to work harder at my marriage. Some said that it took two people to fight, so I must be doing something to initiate or aggravate it. I should pray about it more. I needed to be more submissive, they said.

I felt that I couldn’t even witness to my neighbors because I was sure they could see and hear what was going on in our home. I struggled with why God had allowed this. Was I being punished? Did I make a mistake in marrying my husband? Was I living in sin somehow? Was I missing out on God’s blessings? Where was God in all this? Was I not responding in obedience to God, when it came to submission to my husband? Was I not trying hard enough to be the kind of wife I should be?

In those beginning years of our marriage I just quietly backed off into another room, or got down on the floor to clean up the mess he made. I tried to pacify him.

As I read books and pamphlets, I realized abuse was happening in our home. The books gave me the courage to do something about it. They gave me vital information to work with. They gave me ideas for where to go for help. They encouraged me to get help now before it got worse. They gave me the courage to fight back emotionally. The books warned me that things would definitely get worse if I didn’t do something about it.

And the situation did get worse.

One night he punched me in the face. I fell down and he, screaming, demanded that I get up. When I didn’t, he grabbed my hair and tried to pull me up. I was petrified! I looked up into his anger-distorted face and was mesmerized by what I saw. Did he hate me that much? What was he going to do next?

I had just put our four very young children to bed, and they had crawled out of their beds to see what was happening. I looked down the hallway and saw that they were all watching from the safety of their doorways. I immediately tried to pacify my husband so I could attend to the children. I don’t remember what I said or did, but whatever it was, it worked.

He stopped what he was doing, dropped me on the floor, walked over to the sofa and turned on the TV to watch something! Just like nothing had happened moments before. I couldn’t believe it! Was I imagining the whole thing? A look in the mirror told me I wasn’t dreaming.

I shakily walked down the hallway and focused on consoling our frightened children, getting them back in bed. When they were all once again asleep, I knew what I had to do.

I was tired of the abuse. I knew it could get worse with time. I knew myself and our children were not happy, nor safe. It was my responsibility to do something for their sake. Questions filled my head. Doubts plagued me. But concern for our children and anger at the abuse motivated me to do what I knew I had to do. Fear filled my heart.

Could I do it? Could I leave my husband and get to a safe place? Would I have the courage to carry it out? How could I do it? Where would I go? What was the first step I should take? Call the police, the safe-house, or my Mom? How would I support myself and four young children? They were all under five. Would I still have to spend the night here? I didn’t want to!

I cleaned up the kitchen under the pretense that all was well with my world. I was buying time to think. My mind raced. How could I do this and not raise the suspicions of my husband?

He was still watching TV. The children were all safely asleep.

I walked over to him, gave him a kiss on his forehead and told him I was going to the store to get some milk. He accepted the lie and I left the house to call the police. They met me at a corner convenience store, took my statement and made arrangements for a restraining order the next day. I was physically shaking the whole time. I was so nervous about what I was about to do.

I went home that night, with the bottle of milk. I stayed in the same bed with him until he was asleep, then crept out of our bed to check on the children and fell into a fitful sleep on the couch, being careful to wake up before he got up to go to work. When he left for work, I called a friend to keep the children while I watched the house from a distance to see if the police would serve the restraining order to my husband. I knew he came home for lunch. I left a note on the kitchen table saying I was shopping with the kids and watched from down the street. Sure enough, he came home, had lunch, and as he relaxed, the police came. They ordered him to get a few clothes together and then escorted him out of the house.

Now guilt flowed over me. Where would he go? Then fear gripped me. Would he stay out of the house, honoring the restraining order, or would be so angry that he would come after me later? I didn’t know for sure. I’m thankful he honored the restraining order and stayed away. I don’t know where he went, but he managed.

In the early 1990’s, anyone who was on a restraining order had to appear in court ten days after the order was served. At that time it was decided by the victim whether or not the restraining order was to be permanent or not. I didn’t know what to do. If I lifted the restraining order I was worried that my husband would come home and make life miserable for me, after what I had done to him in having him escorted out of the house in front of all the neighbors. He was always so “image” conscious. If, on the other hand, I made the restraining order permanent, he might file for divorce and try to get custody of the children. He knew our children were very precious to me and that I would agree to take him back if they were jeopardized in any way.

I called my Mom and explained to her what had happened, and she flew down to take me and the children into her home. I left a note for my husband before I left. My husband went to court, expecting me to be there. When I wasn’t, he went home, expecting that all was forgiven and that I would be there at our house. I wasn’t there either. All he found was the note from me explaining that I had left him and that until he got help I wasn’t coming back.

That was a difficult time for me.

Thirteen years later, as I write this, I still shake physically and emotionally. I still know that I did the right thing, as difficult as it was, but the trauma of it still haunts me at times.

During the time of separation, I felt God closer and dearer than almost any other time in my life. The verse God gave me encouraged me so much during that time. In Isaiah 40:11 it says that “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; He gently leads those that have young” I read this over and over those days. I felt God’s gentle guidance and presence. I had four children under five. I certainly qualified for God’s tender care and for His leading “those who have young”!

I experienced His care in so many ways. My newly acquired step dad (my father had died with cancer a few years before) handled the angry calls from my husband. My friend kept us safely, for a time, at her house on the farm. My husband had no way of contacting me. People we didn’t even know brought boxes of children’s clothes and toys. People had a housewarming party to help us set up house when we got into an apartment. We had left everything back home except a few clothes for the kids and me. At Christmas, people brought gifts and toys for me and the children. My Mom and Dad helped me get a car, an apartment, and household things to help us get settled. They all helped in more ways than I can express. God used people in our lives to express His care for us. My husband and I were separated for seven months.

It was a difficult time. I never knew for sure if our marriage could survive the separation or if it was over. At first I wouldn’t allow him to contact me. Little by little I allowed contact. At first, I called him but didn’t give him my phone number. That provided boundaries of safety for me and the children. It allowed time for emotional healing. Then, when I felt I was ready, I gave him my number so he could call me, on the condition that if he got angry or abusive over the phone, I would change my number, which I had to do twice. People said he would never change. People said it was probably over, and that I might as well get on with my life.

The separation forced him to get help and to consider the importance of our marriage, and of our children.

The biggest impact on my life, besides my parents, was a women’s Bible Study group who openly and graciously invited me to become a part of their group. I will forever be grateful to those women! They prayed, cried and laughed with me. They took my children so I could regroup. They played with my children when I didn’t have the emotional strength to do so. They listened as I poured out my heart in concern for my marriage and husband. They were my lifeline!

I found myself again. That’s the only way I can describe it. Through that time of separation I gained perspective. I saw our relationship for what it was. I connected with God in a new way. I became emotionally stronger. I felt that I could now return to my husband and that I would have the emotional strength to fight the abuse if it continued. I had to give our marriage one more chance. I had to at least try one more time.

After the seven month separation my husband and I got back together and, in spite of my and my friend’s fears, the abuse stopped. We are still married. It will be twenty years this year. We have five wonderful children. Life is full.

Our children are going on in the Lord. I’m so glad! Because they were young when we separated, the children seem to have not had any repercussions from the abuse in the beginning of our marriage. The separation turned out to be the best decision I could have made at that point. It was hard, yes, but right.

I believe with all my heart that there are other women today who are in the same situation I was in. They are in an abusive relationship. I also believe that if God had not given me the courage to leave my husband for a time, that there would still be abuse in our relationship.

If you are in this kind of relationship:

1. Read books and pamphlets about it. Get educated. Find out where the safe-house is. Talk on the phone to other women who have gotten out of a relationship like this. A caution I would give you, however, is that when you talk to these women you will find some who are very angry and bitter against their husbands. It’s to be expected. But don’t allow yourself to get embittered. It will prevent you from doing what you need to do. Anger, however, will create the motivation to propel you to action. What your husband has been doing is wrong and harmful to you and your children if you have them. God hates it. Righteous anger is okay at this point. It sounds strange I know, but anger really did help me take the steps to freedom.

2. Have a plan. When you have read the books, your dysfunctional relationship will become clear to you. You will know you need to get out of it. Don’t accept excuses your mind comes up with to justify your husband’s behavior towards you. I had a very clear perception of my situation once I had separated from my husband, and couldn’t believe I had put up with the abuse. I felt dumb at first. I was disgusted at my lack of courage. But I knew I had done the right thing in separating. You must realize too, that the separation may be temporary, or it may be a long time. There’s no way you can know ahead of time what your husband’s reaction will be and how God will work. You are not responsible for that. You are responsible for keeping yourself and your children safe. So make plans now for getting out and getting safe. The books have lots of good ideas, and other people are good resources.

3. I want to encourage you, if you are in an abusive relationship to gather around you some women you can trust and build a firm relationship with them. You will need the support. This is an emotional time for you. At some point share what is going on in your home so they can start praying for you. They may not understand abuse, but they can understand hurt, rejection and pain. They will be able to help and support you now, and later, if you decide to leave your husband. They can also help pray for your husband when you, in your pain, may not be able to. That’s important. I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for the prayers of His people.

4. Don’t let fear keep you back from taking that step. You must take the step of separating from danger and abuse, for your sake and for the sake of the children. It may not turn out as well as my separation did, but I know it can only get better than what you’re living with, no matter how difficult your separation may be at times. No one should live with abuse.

I’m still not sure exactly why God allowed me to marry into an abusive relationship. All I know is I’m stronger in my relationship with God because of what I’ve experienced, and I have the added “bonus” of five beautiful children. I can also relate in a new way to women who have experienced abuse in their relationships.

I’ll be the first to admit it doesn’t seem that God leads this way. I know it’s difficult to understand.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that, even though it’s difficult for us to understand why, sometimes God allows things in our lives that we don’t comprehend. He is still in control. He is still sovereign over those circumstances.

I did not experience this difficult relationship because God was punishing me in some way. I was walking with Him. I was growing in Him.

Life is difficult because that’s life. Life here on earth is not perfect. God does not spare His people from difficulties just because we’re His children. If you believe that because we’re believers we will never have trouble, how do you explain the difficult lives other believers outside of America have? They experience war, hunger, persecution, etc. all while they follow God. Are you saying then that they are not in right relationship with God? That they couldn’t be? Not so! I have met the godliest people you will ever meet overseas. They are stronger for their troubles. Life does not spare us troubles just because we are God’s children. We are still living on this earth, with its troubles.

So, if you are walking with God, and you are in an abusive relationship, take heart. God loves you and sees what you are dealing with. You really are not alone, as you may sometimes feel. He does not want it to continue. Do what you have to do to get out of the abusive relationship, and He will carry you through the rest of the way. I promise.

Remember God is with you. He loves you very much. I say that with full confidence.

I have experienced it firsthand!

God bless!

HEALING THE PAIN OF ABUSE

Laura grew up in a home where love and kindness were unheard of, and abuse was the norm. Night after night she would hide in her bedroom as her dad came home drunk and beat up her mother. Laura always vowed silently, “It’ll never happen to me.”
When Laura was just 17, she married Pete, hoping to escape her terrible home life. She just knew Pete would be a different kind of husband than her father had been. He didn’t drink at all—he was a good Christian, an active churchgoer. Everyone liked him and looked up to him.

Pete did have a sharp temper, but he used words instead of fists to express his anger, and to Laura that seemed like an improvement. He was very possessive of Laura, jealous when she talked to other men or even went out with her women friends. But that just made Laura feel loved, cared for, and cherished.

Soon, things began to change. Once they were married, Pete seemed less and less able to control his temper. His cutting words became more and more cruel and demeaning. Laura didn’t have much self-esteem to start with, and after a few years of living with Pete she was sure she was stupid, ugly, and incompetent—because he told her so.

And Pete no longer stopped at abusive words. More and more frequently, his anger exploded into shoving, pushing, and hitting. Sometimes Laura would go to great difficulty to hide the bruises he inflicted on her so that they could go to church together and look like a perfect, happy, Christian couple.

Throughout all this, Pete continued to be active and respected in his church. Everyone thought of him as a good Christian man. Laura suffered silently, never telling a soul and never thinking of leaving him. As the years went by, they had three children together. She was sure it would be wrong to break up the family.

Then one day she discovered Pete spanking their five-year-old son for disobeying. But this was no ordinary spanking. Pete was brutally beating the helpless little boy, leaving scars and bruises on his small body.

Laura knew things had to change. That night, when Pete was asleep, she threw a few belongings into shopping bags and herded her children out to the car. Homeless and frightened, she and her children drove away into the night.

For Laura, the worst part of her ordeal was the response she received from some friends in church when they learned that she had left Pete. Many of these good Christian people tried to tell Laura it was her duty to stay with her abusive husband. “The Bible tells us to ‘turn the other cheek,’ they insisted. The husband is head of the wife, and you have to submit to him, whatever he does to you,” they said. Even Laura’s pastor told her she should go back to her husband, and pray that he would stop abusing her.

Were Laura’s friends right? Does the Bible tell us that Christians should submit to being abused, physically, mentally, and emotionally? Is this what God has in mind for His children?

It’s true that the Bible does say, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.” Ephesians 5:22, 23, NIV. It’s also true that Jesus did tell His followers: “Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Matthew 5:39, NIV.

These two texts, taken out of context, have been used to convince many women like Laura that they are required to remain in abusive situations, to continue putting themselves and their children in danger. But like everything in the Bible, these passages need to be read in their full context.

The passage in Ephesians—the one that says the wives should submit to their husbands—goes on to say, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself…. Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33, NIV.

Was Laura’s husband showing this kind of Christ like, self-sacrificing love to her? No, of course he was not. Love and respect are two sides of the same coin. Both are needed in a relationship. The kind of respect the Bible talks about wives having for their husbands must be earned by Christ like love.

As for Jesus’ command to turn the other cheek, He was talking about our human desire to get revenge on others. The common saying at the time was “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth”—in fact, that was the law God gave the people of Israel back in the time of Moses.

But Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 5:44, NIV. Laura can continue to show Christian love for her husband as she prays that God will help him to deal with his angry and abusive behavior.

Laura does not need to buy herself a gun, sneak back into the house late at night, and shoot him to get revenge. But neither does she need to stay and give him further opportunities to hurt her and their children. If she did that, she would not be showing love to herself, to her children, or even to her husband. Allowing him to continue sinning is not loving him.

I know that there are people who are trapped right now in abusive relationships. There are women like Laura, living in fear of their husband’s anger. There are children and young people silently suffering physical, emotional, even sexual abuse. There are married people—both men and women—whose spirits are broken and crushed by words of hatred and cruelty from a harsh and abusive spouse.

My friend, if you are living through this painful experience, you need to know that God cares about you. You need to know that you are valuable and precious in the sight of your heavenly Father.

I’d like to share a very special Bible verse with you, one that I hope you will claim as your own. It’s found in the book of Jeremiah: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11, NIV.

Yes, God has a plan for your life. At this moment you may find it difficult to believe that anyone cares about you, or that your future holds anything other than more pain and suffering. But God has plans to prosper you, not to harm you. His plans for you include hope and a future.

Following God’s plan for your life, finding hope and a future, may sometimes mean that you like Laura, need to leave a situation where you are physically in danger. It may mean that you need to speak out, to tell someone else that you are being hurt or abused, to seek help. It may mean talking to a counselor, a doctor, or a minister who is skilled in dealing with problems like yours and can help you find a way out of your situation.

For so many people in abusive situations, shame and guilt are the shackles that hold them in place. You may feel the same way. Because of what you have been through, you may actually believe that you don’t deserve anything better, that you are somehow to blame for what has happened to you, that you are worthless.

But in God’s Word we read this amazing truth: “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.” 1 Corinthians 3:16, 17, NIV.

To God’s people, Israel, in Bible times, the Temple was the most sacred spot on earth. It was there that God came to live among them, with His actual presence. In the passage we just read, the apostle Paul is telling the new Christian believers that they themselves—their human bodies—are just as sacred and holy as God’s Temple. God’s Holy Spirit lives inside every human being who loves and accepts Him, and that makes you incredibly valuable to God.

God does not want to see anyone destroy, damage, or defile His Temple. He doesn’t want to see anyone destroy, damage, or defile one of His children either.

In fact, Jesus had some very stern words for people who hurt His children. In the ninth chapter of the book of Mark we read: “Then He took a little child and set him in the midst of them. And when He had taken him in His arms, He said to them, ‘Whoever receives one of these little children in My name receives Me;… and whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.’” Mark 9:36, 37, 42, NKJV.

Never doubt that God wants to love and protect every one of His children—including you. You may ask yourself, “Why hasn’t God protected me before now? Why hasn’t He helped me escape this situation? Why has He allowed this to happen?”

We serve a powerful God, my friend, but we also serve a God who values human free will. It is never God’s will for any of His precious children to suffer. Though God is all-powerful, He does not interfere with a human being’s freedom of choice. So sometimes, on this earth, human beings do things to each other that God hates. He hates to see His children being hurt, abused, and damaged. But because He allows us freedom of choice, He doesn’t always intervene directly when these things happen.

He does promise us help in every situation, however. “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13, NIV.

God promises strength, courage, and a way of escape. For some that way of escape may be through these words they’re reading right now. Perhaps God is using these moments to tell you that it’s time to make a change. Time to tell someone you trust that you’ve been abused. Time to seek aid from a caring person who can help you find a way out.

The Bible tells us that, “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10, NIV. In ancient times someone being pursued by an enemy could run to a fortified city, tower, or castle. Safe behind its walls, protected by armed men and stone battlements, the fugitive could hide, knowing his attacker could not find him.

My friend, will you allow the Lord to be your strong tower today? He loves you. He values you. He has plans for you—He wants to give you hope and a future. He wants to heal the pain of the abuse you are suffering and help you find a way out, to a better life that lies beyond. Will you trust in Him? Will you run to His strong tower and be saved?

Women and Submission: Finding Middle Ground, pt. 3

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The passage of Scripture that is so often misused in regard to the complex issue of male headship is Ephesians 5:22-23:

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church."

Contrary to popular interpretation, these verses do not give men a license to dominate their wives, nor do they endorse a kind of top-down hierarchy in the marriage relationship.

One of Paul's main reasons for writing this discourse on family relationships was to stress the beauty of the mystical union between man and wife, which he compares to the communion between Christ and the church. If Paul were trying to declare who was in charge, he would have said, "Wives, obey your husbands"--in the same manner that he states in Colossians 3:3, "Children, obey your parents." But he does not use the word obey.

The word hupotasso can also mean "to identify with" or "to be attached to." It can also mean "become one with." Again, the issue here is oneness and unity between equal partners, not who obeys whom.

But there is another important reason why Paul wrote these words, and we cannot understand their meaning without delving deeper into the culture of the New Testament period. Theologian Catherine Clark Kroeger has noted that in the first century, women had no rights and were considered possessions. In the Roman Empire, it was customary for the woman's father to continue to claim ownership of his daughter even after she was married.

This inhumane system, known as sine manu, or "marriage without hand," was a way for the bride's dowry to stay under the control of her father even after she moved into her husband's home. As long as she was brought back to her father's house three times a year (sometimes against her will), he could claim legal ownership of her and her property. This system, which was later outlawed, obviously created havoc in families.

Understanding this context, it makes sense why Paul stressed to the new Christian community in Ephesus that a wife should "be attached to" or "submitted" or "identified with" her husband. She was no longer to be attached to her father! And this is why Paul, a few verses later, quotes Genesis 2:24: "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

But if this passage in Ephesians does not give men permission to dominate their wives, then why does Paul say that a husband is "head" (5:23) of the wife?

The Greek word for "head" in this passage is kephale, which is most often translated "authority over." However, some Bible scholars point out that this word can and often is translated "source" in ancient texts, in much the same way that we would refer to the "head" of a river being its source. Therefore it is possible that kephale can mean here that man is the source of woman, a reference to the fact that Eve was created from Adam.

Again, many scholars believe that Paul is setting in order the true Christian family in the midst of a pagan Roman culture that treated women like property and disregarded the autonomy of a newlywed couple. According to God's plan, when a man and a woman come together in holy matrimony they must sever their ties to parents, grandparents and any other controlling influences from relatives. The man must leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife (see Gen. 2:24). She must "submit," or "become attached to" her husband, rather than continue to relate to her father as her "head."

If we truly want to understand the meaning of Ephesians 5, these cultural factors must be considered. Paul's words to this infant New Testament church were meant to liberate women who had been subjected to a patriarchal system that did not even recognize their personhood. The gospel proclaimed in this passage set in motion a way to revolutionize that culture--and to transform the nature of men who did not know how to love their wives.

How tragic that we have used Paul's liberating words to put women in bondage!

In New Testament times, women were considered the absolute property of their fathers or husbands. They were less valuable than cattle. This is why the Apostle Paul's words to husbands in Ephesians 5:28, "Husbands should love your wives as your own bodies," was such a radical departure from the cultural traditions of the day. The Christian view of husband-wife relationships is one of equality and mutual respect, not domination, control and humiliation.

The National Council on Domestic Violence says a woman is battered every 15 seconds in this country. Tragically, the problem also exists in evangelical churches--but it is often swept under a rug because Christian leaders either don't know how to stop it or can't reconcile the problem with their theology. That's because their own teaching about marriage relationships, particularly their philosophy of wives and "biblical submission," is an underlying cause of this ugly dilemma.

Isn't it time that the church stood up and shined a truly biblical light of truth into the world's dark history of gender bias?

Women and Submission: Finding Middle Ground, pt. 2

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A distraught Christian woman who had been regularly beaten by her husband for four years finally gained the courage to seek counsel from her pastor, who was affiliated with a prominent evangelical denomination. She told him about her husband's addiction to pornography, his fits of rage and how he had once thrown her against a wall so hard that she heard a cracking sound in the back of her neck.

The pastor's response was frightening: "If your husband kills you," he advised, "it will be to the glory of God." Her only option, he told her, was to submit and pray that God would change her husband's heart.

This is perverted! How did we ever invent a "Christian" theology that encourages a woman to risk injury or death at the hands of her husband to please God? How warped this woman's own view of God must be if she accepts this counsel.

The root problem with our theology is that the church has taught that men have a biblical right to dominate--and it has instructed women that their submission to this ungodly behavior is God-ordained suffering, which they must willingly bear. This butchering of biblical texts distorts the character of Christ--who spent much of His time teaching on God's care for the oppressed.

Let's look carefully at a verse that is most often used to promote this wrong view, and set the record straight.

Because the Apostle Paul told women to "submit to your husbands as to the Lord" (Eph. 5:22, NIV), we have assumed this means women have no say in family matters or that their opinion is second-rate. This verse, taken out of context, has been twisted to mean that the husband is the boss and the woman must obey his every whim. We portray marriage as a hierarchy, with husbands on the throne and wives at the footstool.

But this is not a Christian view of marriage at all. The first rule of biblical hermeneutics is that we look at all of Scripture to clarify the meaning of a particular text. So before we can understand this one verse, we must look at what the Bible in general teaches about submission and authority.

In more than one instance Jesus taught that a true leader in the kingdom of God is a servant. He said the greatest must be the least. He told His disciples that they must become as children. He said in Mark 10:44 that "whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all."

How do we apply this passage to marriage? Certainly it should be clear that if a man is called to lead a family, his leadership must be Christlike. He must serve, not dictate. He must display humility, not a know-it-all attitude. He must lead from a position of meekness, not from prideful superiority or tyrannical domination.

In fact, Jesus flatly condemned the worldly style of top-down, hierarchical leadership when he taught that His kingdom was not like that of the Gentiles, whose leaders "lord it over" their subordinates (see Matt. 20:25-26). Why would Christ condemn this kind of behavior on one hand, and then encourage husbands to act in an authoritarian manner at home? He didn't, and neither did the apostle Paul.

When we read Paul's discourse on marriage in Ephesians 5, we must start with verse 21, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (NIV). This verse has been conveniently overlooked in many Christian marriage seminars, which usually start the lesson with verse 22, "Wives, submit to your own husbands." I have often heard teachings on the subject of male headship in the home, but I've never heard a pastor encourage men to submit to their wives as it is suggested in verse 21. Yet in a loving marriage, a man and woman will defer to one another as they make decisions.

A closer look at this passage reveals that this teaching begins with verse 21, which encourages all believers to submit to one another "in the fear of the Christ." To promote an attitude of submissiveness in the entire church, Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands, husbands to wives, children to parents and slaves to masters. Submission, not in the sense of domination or rulership over another, but in the sense of preferring one another and not demanding personal rights, should be operating in the entire body of Christ in order to reveal the love of Christ to the world.

We also must note that the Greek word for submission, hupotasso, is written in the Greek middle voice, which means it is something that an individual imposes upon himself or herself. It means to choose to yield to another, rather than demanding one's own way. Submission remains the freewill right of the one choosing to yield. It cannot be demanded or imposed upon an individual from another. When this occurs, it stops being hupotasso and becomes domination, which was an attitude Christ forbade His disciples to operate in with regard to one another (see Matt. 23:10). Submission is not something that can be required or exacted from another person.

The overarching theme of marriage in the Bible is the concept of unity and oneness. Couples should develop a deep level of intimacy and trust that blossoms as they work out differences, share dreams and walk through hardships together. In my 16 years of marriage, my wife and I have had plenty of disagreements: Over finances, over the education of our children and over trivial matters. But when we disagree, I do not announce, "I am the head of this house, so what I say goes." When we reach an impasse, Deborah and I either agree to pray for a season about the matter, or we choose to defer to one another. This is the concept of biblical submission that the apostle Paul attempted to convey in Ephesians. I don't demand my way and Deborah doesn't demand hers. Instead, we both humbly seek after God's way, His will and His purpose. When our hearts are truly His, biblical submission is easy.

The point is never who is right or wrong, or who is in charge. The issue is how we can discover the mind of Christ. I view my wife as an equal. I am not "over her." We function as one.

Paul told husbands, "this is how you love your wives, by giving up your life, your way and your rights, as Christ gave up His. Remember that Christ was Lord of the universe and laid down His crown by submitting Himself unto death. The Bible says He took on the form of a servant. He laid down His life to raise us up. This is the purpose of biblical submission.

We must notice also in studying Ephesians 5 that Paul does not focus the text solely on the need for wifely submission. His words in this passage also stress the loving attitude husbands should demonstrate at home. Men are commanded to love their wives "as Christ loves the church" (v. 25) and "as their own bodies." These words were revolutionary in a first century culture that taught that wives were their husband's property!

Marriages are doomed to serious dysfunction and ultimate failure if the husband views his wife as inferior, or if he arrogantly assumes that God wants him to always have the right answer and the wisest plan in every situation. No! The reason God provided Adam with Eve was because the man couldn't do it alone. He needed an equal partner who complimented him in every way.