Taking An Honest Look

Taking An Honest Look
"When 'Christians' Aren’t Like Jesus"
by Nancy Edwards




Jesus is one of a kind. No one else is like Him. "Everything in Christ astonishes me. His spirit overawes me, and his will confounds me. Between him and whoever else in the world, there is no possible term of comparison. He is truly a being by himself…I search in vain in history to find the similar to Jesus Christ, or anything which can approach the gospel. Neither history, nor humanity, nor the ages, nor nature, offer me anything with which I am able to compare it or to explain it. Here everything is extraordinary." (Napoleon)

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the light of the world. He came to offer living water to thirsty people and eternal life to those who knew they were dying. He came to seek and save the lost, to heal the sick, and to set captives free. He preferred the company of an honest sinner to the self-righteous or religious. He so confounded and agitated the religious conservatives and liberals of His day that they conspired together to get rid of Him, but many who had felt rejected by those same leaders followed, trusted, and loved Jesus.

He treated women in a way no man had before or has since. "Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man—there had never been such another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, who never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them either as ‘The women, God help us!’ or ‘The ladies, God bless them!’; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unselfconscious-conscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words of Jesus that there was anything ‘funny’ about woman’s nature. But we might easily deduce it from His contemporaries, and from His prophets before Him, and from His Church to this day." (From an essay written in 1938 by Dorothy L. Sayer entitled, Are Women Human?)

Jesus is extraordinary but many that call themselves by His name are at best very ordinary, and at worst downright evil.

"Robert Tisland, described as a mesmerizing, pulpit-pounding preacher, schooled his wife and children in unwavering subjection to his tyrannical demands. The children were beaten with regularity because, Lucy said, ‘he expected perfection from all of us.’ Even included in those beatings was twenty-five-pound, seven-year-old Mark, left blind, deaf and brain-damaged from a stroke. Dying of encephalitis, the child held a special place in Lucy’s heart. Managing his fourteen-hour-a-day schedule was solely up to her."

"On May 4, 1983, Mark died and Robert was relieved. Mark was an ‘imperfect child,’ he reasoned, and Lucy had been responsible for his illness because of some sin she had committed.

So, when she went into the bedroom to cry over the loss, he beat her and then again on the way home from the funeral…"

"In fourteen years of marriage, Lucy was pregnant nine times and the family moved nineteen times. ‘He didn’t consult anyone,’ she recalled without emotion. ‘He was my husband, and I knew I was supposed to follow his decisions. You get married and the Bible says you are to obey your husband. Right from the start he was the boss…’"

"The beatings, which began ten months after their marriage and during her first pregnancy, were always in response to Lucy’s lack of submissiveness, Robert told her. Despite the violence he bragged that there were no problems in their marriage. After all, his wife did all the cleaning and baking, polished his shoes, hung up his clothes and served him his food, which he was free to dump on the floor if it in any way displeased him. She never left the house without checking with him, didn’t drive without his permission and had only ten to twenty-five cents in her possession for a phone call. Lucy never wore slacks or make-up, except when he permitted it in order to cover a bruise. And although he was her husband, Robert was referred to by Lucy as ‘Pastor’ or ‘Sir’." (Battered Into Submission, by James and Phyllis Alsdurf)

Other scenarios may seem less extreme and yet they are so dissimilar to Jesus and so dishonoring to His name that an honest look is still enough to send us into a state of profound sadness. Parents, spouses, pastors and Sunday school teachers who use the name of Christ to control, manipulate, confuse, and neglect those whom God has placed in their trust. People who justify their own selfishness and cover their insecurities by distorting biblical principles that were meant to protect and give life, especially to the weak and vulnerable. People who empower their destructive styles of relating by using "God words" to defend their hurtful ways and deflect accountability. Such were many leaders in the days of Jesus for whom He had piercing words of rebuke.

"‘Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you devour widows’ houses, even while for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you shall receive greater condemnation.’"

"‘Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others. You blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!’"

"‘Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you too outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.’" (Mt. 23:14, 23, 24, 27, 28)

Even less obvious are those of us who are at best ordinary. Good people who are not really very good at all: still so different from Jesus that an honest look should send us to our knees to ask for forgiveness and help.

Jesus is good and pure; our motives are always mixed.
Jesus speaks words of life; we speak words that protect our own sense of reality.
Jesus loves sinners and judges sin; we judge sinners and ignore sin.
Jesus is wise; we are dogmatic.
Jesus sees people’s hearts; we see their defenses.
Jesus is very attractive to needy people; we are often the last place they would come.
Something is wrong. To say that the followers of Christ are not just like Jesus is to state the obvious, but to realize that we are as dissimilar as we are is an oxymoron. The impact of our condition on others is that we hurt them and hinder them from seeing and trusting Jesus. The implication for those who have been hurt by us is that they must learn to separate who we are and what we have done from who Christ is.

We Are a Safe Haven

We Are a Safe Haven


(The Church Responds to Domestic Violence)
A Seeking Peace with Justice Sunday at Lexington UMC, Lexington, MA
A Sermon preached by the Rev. Susan J. Morrison on October 14, 2001
A Reading from Luke 13:10–17... the story of the bent-over woman who is healed by Jesus.
October is Domestic Violence month, a time when we are asked to break the silence about Domestic Violence, learn more about it and renew our commitment to providing victims and perpetrators with the emotional, physical and spiritual care that they need.

Anyone who is a victim of domestic violence is like the bent-over woman in our Gospel lesson this morning. Emotional, physical and spiritual abuse causes one to be crippled, unable to stand tall and be the whole person that God intended. There are too many of God's beloved people who are abused, bent-over human beings. It is reported that more than 2 million American women are assaulted by their partners each year. 95% of known victims of domestic violence are women; a small percentage of men are violated by an intimate or former intimate partner. As many as 3 million children witness acts of domestic violence each year. Domestic violence is an equal-opportunity employer, for it crosses all levels of income and education, all colors, classes, and creeds.

Let us refresh ourselves by understanding the meaning of domestic violence. Just what is it that causes the victim to be so bent-over? Rev. Anne Marie Hunter, colleague and friend and founder of the Safe Havens program offers a comprehensive definition.


Domestic violence, she writes, often has a physical component. It is kicking, hitting, dragging, punching, shooting, knifing, bludgeoning. The hospital emergency room says that domestic violence is the black eyes, the chipped teeth, the broken bones.
But domestic violence can also be verbal. It can be name calling and constant accusations. Partners are called stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, irresponsible and childish.

Domestic violence is isolation. Victims are systematically distanced from friends and family so that their dependence on the abused is maximized. Phone calls are monitored. Visits with family and friends are prohibited.

Domestic violence is emotional abuse. It is constant surveillance, constant undermining of one's self-image. It is threats to children, family members and pets. It is love that is always conditional, always scarce, always unpredictable. It is abuse that is followed by contrition, apologies, tears, and promises to change that never materialize.

Domestic violence is financial abuse. Victims are kept from spending money that they earn, or are not allowed to work outside the home. One is always expected to bring back a receipt and change.

Domestic violence is also sexual abuse. It includes sex that is unloving and abrupt, forced and lacking warmth, love or affirmation.

Domestic violence is spiritual abuse. When one's self esteem is broken, one's spirit is broken, also.

In final analysis, domestic violence is control...complete, domineering control over another person. It is not so much a series of isolated incidents, but a daily reality in which the abuser gets the victim to do what he wants, or give him what he wants, or act the way he wants.
It is no wonder that like the woman in our Gospel narrative, the victim of domestic violence becomes bent over, quite unable to stand up straight. And just like the healing hands of Jesus, it often takes outside intervention to bring about change and to encourage choices to be made that result in healing and new life. Acting on behalf of Jesus, I believe that the church can play a major role in that intervention, helping the victim to be set free from the infirmity of domestic violence.

But just as Jesus' contemporaries found fault with his actions and choices, so too there will be criticism from the victim's family and friends. “Now isn't a good time to leave” the voices say to the victim. “How will you support yourself?” “Shouldn't you just stay in the relationship and try harder?” But like in our Gospel lesson, these voices of reason become shamed even as the victim, who has lived a life of shame, is released from her shame and she stands tall, ultimately set free from the violence that has crippled her for so long. The analogy seems appropriate, doesn't it? A bent-over woman is healed of her ailment.

For us, today, the focus is on the church and it's role as the body of Christ, acting, as Jesus did, to help release the victim from oppression and mistreatment. And so I would like to ask two questions this morning:

1) Why should the church be involved in this issue of domestic violence?
2) What does it mean to be a “Safe Haven?”
Why should the church be involved? Isn't this a social issue that could and should be managed by social agencies? This congregation understands well that wherever there is injustice, God calls upon the church to get involved. In the arena of domestic violence, the church must be an instrument of justice and help to break the silence about this issue of violence and abuse.
For many years the church, unfortunately, has not been very helpful in dealing with the problem of domestic violence. Clergy, especially, have given unhelpful advice. Spiritual leaders, when confronted by the issue, have told women “Just work harder at being a better wife. Submit yourself to your husband. Scripture says he is the head of you, as Christ is the head of the church. Pray, so that you can endure this time of trial. God will never give you more than you can bear. Divorce? It is a sin. You must do everything possible to keep your family together.”

As a result of this pattern and history, victims choose not to confide in their pastors. As Rev. Robert Owens admits: “I think there's been a conspiracy of silence in the church regarding domestic violence. Victims are ashamed, embarrassed, and fear that their pastors will condemn or reject them, or encourage them to stay in an abusive relationship. Women fear that male pastors will side with the husband.”

Fortunately the church has had a wake up call and recognizes not only the importance of being a source of help in domestic violence situations but realizes that training and new understanding of scripture and theology are called for. Programs such as the Safe Havens Family Violence Prevention Project provide that critical training for interfaith households of faith.

In his book Domestic Violence — What Every Pastor Needs to Know, Rev. Al Miles cites a story of domestic violence that illustrates the importance of the church being aware and intentional about its response to the injustices of abuse.

Kara has been married to her husband, Rich, for sixteen years. Devout Christians, they both attend church regularly. Kara and Rich have a teenage son, and Kara describes her husband and son as “the great loves of my life.
”
Despite Kara's deep love for her husband, she told a coworker that Rich has abused her throughout their marriage. The disclosure was prompted by an incident that had occurred the week before. “I'd overcooked Rich's steak,” Kara explained to her coworker. “It was so stupid of me; I can't do anything right. After sixteen years of marriage, you'd think a wife would know that her husband likes his meat medium rare, not well done.” According to Kara, Rich then called her “fat and stupid” and threw the steak in the trash, and left home to eat supper at a nearby restaurant. On other occasions, Kara said Rich derided her for being overweight...Kara revealed that Rich also had pushed, slapped and spit on her from time to time. Her husband's actions and words hurt deeply, she admitted. Still, Kara blamed herself for Rich's behavior.

“It's all my fault,” she lamented. “If I were a better wife, is I weren't overweight and so stupid, Rich would have no need to say and do such awful things to me. Besides, he always apologizes for the bad mood he say I put him in and afterwards, buys me orchids and takes me out to a nice dinner. He says that as a Christian wife I must forgive him.” Rich also prefers not to treat her the way he does, Kara told the coworker, but says it is his “Christian duty to take authority” over her and to “correct” her when she is wrong. “My husband tells me the Bible demands that a man rule over his wife,” Kara explained.”"So when I'm out of line or do stupid things, then Rich has to put me in my place. Otherwise, my husband says, he's not truly a man of God.”

Kara's coworker encouraged her to seek help from a professional trained to address situations of domestic violence. The coworker also recommended that Kara speak to someone who understood what the Bible actually teaches regarding how a man and woman should treat each other in marriage. The battered wife was reluctant to follow up on either suggestion. The day after Rich threw his overcooked steak in the trash, Kara explained, she went to see a male pastor who is also a counselor at a Christian counseling center. This minister told Kara “any woman who stays with a man who abuses her must either like being abused or she must be exaggerating her claims.” The pastor also urged Kara to bring her husband to the next counseling session. “This will allow me to determine who's telling the truth,” Kara said the minister told her.

The coworker asked Kara if she had sought help from her own pastor. Kara said she hadn't. Pastor Lee was loving and sensitive, but Kara feared that the minister's close relationship with her husband would bias him. “The pastor may side with Rich,” Kara worried, “because my husband always presents himself as being this loving and respectful Christian leader around other people. Or, like that Christian counselor, Rev. Lee might think I either like being abused or I'm exaggerating.”

Afraid, and yet needing emotional and spiritual guidance, Kara decided to confide in her pastor. Fortunately, Pastor Lee had taken some domestic violence training. Meeting with Kara at the church, the pastor told his battered parishioner that she had not done anything to deserve the abuse Rich was inflicting upon her. Domestic violence has nothing to do with whether or not a woman is a good wife, Christian, or cook; nor does it have anything to do with a woman's weight, intellectual capacity, or her either exaggerating or liking abuse. No one deserves to be victimized, the minister insisted. He also assured Kara that God loves her exactly the way she is.

Appropriate training, sensitivity to the complexity of the issues involved in domestic violence, and awareness of the network of agencies prepared to assist victims of domestic violence put the church in a helpful and hopeful place regarding this issue.

Hopefully, it is clear why the church should be involved. Based on that understanding, the Lexington UMC sent a team of four to the Safe Havens Family Violence Prevention Project last year. The team attended approximately 25 hours of training and gained new perspective on the dynamics of family violence; the impact of domestic violence on children; the dynamics of batterers -their need for counsel, care and rehabilitation; teen dating violence -intervention and prevention; law enforcement issues; and the healing process for survivors. As a result of this training, the Lexington UMC has joined a growing network of churches, synagogues and mosques that are known as Safe Havens, places where victims or perpetrators can come for counsel, advice and referrals. Safe Havens are intended to be what their name implies — a place of safety where confidences can be shared and where holy listening takes place.
I most appreciated the number of care givers that we met, those equipped to help victims and batterers deal effectively with domestic violence. As a clergy person, I feel much better prepared to listen, to counsel and to make referrals for anyone involved in abusive relationships.

I hope that soon we can hang posters in our bathrooms, so that both of our congregations as well as all of the people who use this building throughout the week can be aware of telephone hotline numbers and other resources. I would hope that these could be translated into Korean and Spanish as well as English.

Let's support programs that will heighten our awareness about the issue.
Let's talk with our partner church, St. John's Korean, and learn together about the dynamics of domestic violence.
Let's talk with our youth about violence and teen dating.
Let's continue to support the marvelous and significant work of the Safe Havens project.
Let's welcome people from agencies and organizations that can teach us more about this issue.
Yes! Until domestic violence is eliminated, let us continue to make a commitment to take seriously this issue and to be the body of Christ that offers intervention and healing so that those who are bent over will be able to stand straight and be freed from oppression and injustice, eager to praise God, who is the Source of hope and justice and unconditional love.

Storms Spur Domestic Violence Video

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United Methodist Domestic Violence Education Video

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