tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10948559.post3973906519882549974..comments2024-02-08T21:51:21.368-06:00Comments on Emotional Abuse and Your Faith: We need safe Churches - GET REAL and allow the healing to begin!Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15165967476661656865noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10948559.post-41116465104619594712011-05-16T14:50:40.750-05:002011-05-16T14:50:40.750-05:00Thank you so much for a beautiful and helpful post...Thank you so much for a beautiful and helpful post. I have read a lot about abuse and churches, yet very little is said about how to move on after you've left a church that supports abuse, and find someplace safe to worship. That's just what I'm struggling with now. I have near-panic reactions when trying to visit churches within my former denomination (even though they're really not affiliated) and have been trying other denoms. I found one church where I feel safe... so far... but the denominational / theological differences are causing me a lot of anxiety, although I'm not sure that isn't also just a reflection of the abuse in my former church. Also, I haven't talked to the pastor there yet. I am just praying for some guidance on what to do next. Anything else you can contribute on this topic would be valued, or if any readers have worked through this and have good advice on how to find a 'safe' church, it would be so appreciated.Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04102260496953190716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10948559.post-16525664650085954362011-04-28T08:37:46.269-05:002011-04-28T08:37:46.269-05:00I do agree they need uniform policies, and no doub...I do agree they need uniform policies, and no doubt MOST seem to think they 'know' what abuse it. They unfortunately, deal with more myths than anything. Sigh. It sounds like they have opened the door to at least listen to you.<br /><br />http://www.theraveproject.org/index.php is a good start, because they can learn at their own pace.<br /><br />http://www.peaceandsafety.com/ <br />http://www.brokenpeople.org/site/index.asp?page=103214&DL=138873<br />http://www.focusministries1.org/<br /><br />are just a few faith based organization that do work with churches.<br /><br />You may wish to go the opposite direction, and write them FIRST - than ask them to connect with the church. No doubt these organizations had dealt with churches wanting to do things, and yet not know how to start.Hannahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15165967476661656865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10948559.post-42530707409259700782011-04-28T04:28:31.446-05:002011-04-28T04:28:31.446-05:00I agree, Hannah, that the pastor who rolled his ey...I agree, Hannah, that the pastor who rolled his eyes was not one that was going to empathize. She was better off looking elsewhere. But my ministers are not like that. They have been very empathetic. <br /><br />But what I am saying is that that is not enough. Simply reading up on abuse, and recognizing that someone is a victim who needs support, simply doesn't go far enough if they don't know the tactics of abuse beyond "being aggressive/ nasty". <br /><br />They need to know how perpetrators work in congregations. They need to know how to educate their members about abuse. They need to have a uniform policy and be on the same page about how to hold an abuser accountable, and what real changes look like. And be prepared to educate their leaders on it, without being afraid to be accused of "taking sides". All of that will entail education from a Christian domestic violence program. Without that, I don't see how ANY church, even those with empathetic pastors, can be safe.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10948559.post-61476846119213984112011-04-27T14:39:40.632-05:002011-04-27T14:39:40.632-05:00Anonymous 1 - You have given them MORE than enough...Anonymous 1 - You have given them MORE than enough resources, and if he can't take a hint from that alone? I guess as the saying goes - you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink it.<br /><br />Can we speak of certain churches, leaders, etc to educate those that will listen? Of course. <br /><br />So many victims WONDER if their abuser can change. I think we most of us can relate to that, or of course US changing to fit the abuser. Most have tried to personally pray for the change of the abuser, or wrap ourselves around to better the relationship with the abuser.<br /><br />Neither works unless both are committed TOTALLY!<br /><br />We can't change THOSE that refuse to change. Its the same principal.<br /><br />All we can do is work with those that will listen, and as time goes by MORE people do hear. They learn. They understand.<br /><br />What do you think that pastor in the story that rolled his eyes at the woman would have done if she literally handed him literature - and attempted some education? Chances are pretty slim he would have taken it seriously.<br /><br />Sadly, most churches won't come to the table when asked to partner up with a domestic violence shelter - that has women and children in there truly NEEDING their spiritual advice.<br /><br />From when I started to write this blog? I have seen alot of enlightenment. Thank the LORD for that, and I pray more COMES!<br /><br />I think the point was more - if you have to BEAT the education into a pastor? He is showing resistance, and the chances of reaching him by the pattern of the past is slim. Find support that is better equipped. <br /><br />Those in need of your education? The Lord will place them in your path. Those are the ones that will grow from hearing of your pain. The Lord won't waste it believe me!Hannahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15165967476661656865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10948559.post-75139758637677295852011-04-27T10:02:33.327-05:002011-04-27T10:02:33.327-05:00How do we get safe churches?
If it is not our job...How do we get safe churches?<br /><br />If it is not our job to educate them, and we cannot find any that are educated, do we just sit at home?<br /><br />Surely, it is the job of those with that awareness and knowledge to somehow bring that same awareness to church leaders? I agree that it is not for the individual survivor to have to be the educator wherever she goes (although that is often what happens), but how can things change if nothing changes?<br /><br />I hope I am not being naive in my passion, but I don't want my pain to be wasted. My faith nearly didn't survive this crisis. Now, I am hanging on by a thread, not to my faith, but to my church family of many years. It is a church where some, in leadership and in the congregation, do empathize and see the dynamic of abuse, so I have always been reluctant to leave. But most do not, and that's where the problem lies. <br /><br />Those who understand don't get how the abuse spreads its tentacles to the ignorant and unsuspecting bystanders, recruiting them to his campaign of continuing his control. There are also abusive people in key places, and while some pastors and members are prepared to support me, it is unlikely they will do so at the cost of upsetting some of these perpetrators who are getting recruited as he goes around the church, unfettered and parading as the changed abuser who is now suffering and victimized by a hurt, bitter, vengeful, backslidden ex.<br /><br />It's not enough to give them guidelines for pastors (done that), it's not enough to give them literature from websites (done that), it's not enough to ask for support (done that), they really need to be educated by an intensive Christian program for educating churches on abuse, then given ongoing support through an active church-wide network. There are just too many ways abusers can exploit the ignorance of churches and the stakes are too high.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com