Monday, August 31, 2009

Chris Brown and his Mother

2 comments Posted by Hannah at 6:13 PM

I saw a statement by Chris Brown's mother, and it just took me back!

Chris Brown's mother Joyce has released a statement, saying, "I just want to say from the bottom of my heart thank you for your continued support. I'm sorry I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone as this case was ongoing. I can now say this has been the most painful moment in my entire life, but knowing that you were still standing by Chris side in his time of need made this a little easier for us... I made a promise to him I would never be ashamed of him no matter where I am or who I talk to. You see this whole thing isn't about Chris it's about God. He wants to show all of you the goodness of him through Chris. Chris will be addressing all of his fans very soon. We love you so much and so does God."

I have to wonder how she thinks this will happen? From where I sit right now this poor woman is in denial, and she can't help him from that position.

If he can come to a place of full repentance, and that means more than the apology video we saw - is that what she might mean? I have to wonder at this point if she truly realizes what that means and encompasses!

All I can say is she has a very broken son, and I hope he is healed and comes to that place. I just found it an odd comment.

Anyone else?

Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 4:46 PM

I was trying to reference something from Patricia Evan's The Verbally Abusive Relationship today, and WOW it seemed I saw some relations to how the church deal with verbal abuse.

Verbally Abusive Relationship

Since the verbal abuser needs to have Power Over his partner, he cannot accept her as an equal. He may, however, tell her that he does. Why can't he accept her as an equal? Because he would experience her equality as his inferiority. He would have to ask for what he wanted. He would be open to rejection. He would have to give up control and dominance. Control and dominance seem to give the abuser a sense of power, security and identity as a male.

You know what this sounds like to me? It sounds like those speeches and preaches you hear about how we are both equal in God's eyes, but remember he is LEADER of the HOME! Remember the bibles says you are to SUBMIT to your husband! HECK some churches go one step further, and tell women they are to submit to men in general!

Secure men of faith aren't going to use that type of talk, and they are NOT going to demand submission. They realize that is not their place, and it is NOT something that God would require him to 'remind' her of! They aren't going to remind her of her place, because after all he is the HEAD here!

Its the insecure men of faith that use this as a tool to GET the power they feel God has given them, and incorporates their identity as a man of God. They are entitled to it, and the control and dominance is just a characteristic of it!

I see some women are just as nasty about it. They will proclaim how they submit in the proper biblical fashion, and pretty much tell you if you are having issues within the relationship? Hush, Pray and submit some more! Remember we are the 'emotional' ones, and they are 'wired' for leadership!

There are alot of churches that use this Power over concept, and yet claim we are all equal. Are they treated as equal? Of course NOT! Could be why people tend to be confused when their words and actions don't line up!

Patricia Evans Power Over

Just to be fair here?! If you really LOOK at what she said it would be true of any abuser. Abusers no matter what the gender is are NOT going to give up their dominance and control to make you feel equal! You aren't equal and you can't be equal, because that would make them inferior. They rage and abuse out of those feelings of inferiority.

One way to identify a relationship of inequality is to determine whether or not the couple can set mutual goals and discuss them together. In an abusive relationship, the couple does not really plan together. Planning together requires mutuality and equality. Mutuality and equality do not exist with Reality I (power over). In an abusive relationship the partner may discover that her mate will not discuss long - or short term goals with her, nor is he willing, in some instances, even to make plans with her for a weekend. Neither personal goals nor plans for the future together are discussed and agreed upon in a mutually supportive way.

Goals in this example can be anything!

Years ago after I first got married I started to work for a graphics firm. It was an entry level job, and we had spoken about my goal to work my way up the company. In most relationships this would be something you would talk about with your spouse, but the discussion on his end would always be shut down. "Whats the big deal! You sit on your butt all day, and get paid for it! What else is there to want?"

I was told that maybe he was reacting like this because he felt STUCK in his job, and his advancement options were limited. You didn't discuss that he had limited them due to his attitude, arrogance, etc. Since he felt insecure about this discussion I was to leave it alone.

I did get my promotion, and was very happy with my position. I had been doing the different aspects of accounting for example, and I had brought down the length of time the receivables took to arrive as part of my job. In general terms? That means I got the customers to pay us on a timely fashion. It took alot of effort, headache, and cooperation from the officers and sales people within the firm. It gave me a sense of pride. The VP was my boss, and he went out of his way to show his appreciation for my efforts!

There were days in which I wanted to talk about what had happened - good and bad! We all have those days, and lately I had been hearing alot regarding his job. I basically wanted to discuss some frustration with one of the customers, and see if I could get any input. "I don't need to hear about it! I'm surprised they haven't figured you out yet! I wouldn't be surprised if the company doesn't go bankrupt with you doing the BOOKS!"

It was clear discussions of our jobs would be a one way street. His health issues were then used as an excuse for his attitude. His frustration towards his job. His view of NOT climbing the ladder the way he wanted to. I was told I was making him feel insecure.

Sometime later I was going to lunch, and I was surprised in the Employee lounge with a catered lunch. This included all the employees. I was taken back because I wasn't told about the purchase (I did the purchasing), and I wasn't asked for a check (I wrote the checks! LOL!). I sat down with all the rest of the employees, and figure the bill would show up on an expense report. I was more interested to see what all the buzz was about! Come to find out it was an award lunch FOR ME! I didn't see that coming, and the graphics department also made me a HUGE card that everyone signed. I was also given a nice gift as part of the recognition. You can imagine the surprise and thrill I felt! I was the first person to win the award for a new employee appreciation program, and that was WHY no one told me! LOL!

I walked in from work, and I was carrying the HUGE card and my gift. "What is THAT?" "You won't believe what happened at work today!" "What?" "They gave me an employee appreciation award today! See the card the graphics department made? They also included this gift! Isn't it pretty?" "Did they give you any money?" "Ahh. No." "Did they give you a raise?" "No. We didn't go there at the party." "What's the big deal then? I mean unless they back it up with some money it doesn't mean ANYTHING! I mean what is WITH the stupid CARD?! You are excited over a cheap gift, and I guess you feel 'appreciated' right? (mocking voice)"

At this point I knew what people would tell me, and when a family member did find out they wondered if maybe I was not HUMBLE enough. I know for a fact I wasn't arrogant about it, but I was excited. Who wouldn't be? I was given all the same excuses for his behavior, but truly the issue was he felt I had power over HIM at this point. That was hardly the reality, because that isn't something I wanted. I figured out later that unless he felt like top dog when it came to our careers he wasn't happy about it.

The following interactions illustrate the verbal abuser's unwillingness to plan with his partner.

Bella thought it might be fun to go to a nearby lake on a certain Saturday afternoon. That morning she asked, "Bert, I was wondering, do you have any plans for today?"

Bert turned angrily toward her, 'Do I have to have plans?" he spit out.

"Why, no," she replied. "I was just thinking we might do something this afternoon."

"I don't see WHY I should have to have plans," he said, even more angrily.

"What are mad about? I never said you had to have plans," Bella responded.

"I'm NOT mad! Just drop it!" Bert raged. "You said plans and now you are trying to get out of it!"

Bella was left feeling confused, frustrated and upset. She wondered how she could bear feeling so badly, and at the same time not be able to discuss her feelings. She knew from past experience that Bert would keep saying she was 'trying to get out of it!'

Bella said she had felt upset inside and had spent some time wondering what she had done to upset Bert. Had she given him the impression that she had expected him to have plans? Or, had she somehow made him feel pressured to have plans, even when she hoped he wouldn't have any and would be free?

Whenever a conversation such as this would occur, there was never anyone else around to help Bella sort it out.

I remember many a time feeling as Bella did.

The "It takes two to tango!" didn't help! Looking towards what I might have done to push his buttons? I can look back now, but I honestly didn't know at the time. The advice I received made me feel worse, and there wasn't any validation towards my hurt feelings. I was constantly asked to look at my actions to see what I might have said or done to disrespect him in some fashion.

Did they ever ask him that question? You would think with the two to tango, and work on yourself speeches he might have been. He wasn't asked by them.

One thing I have learned is they see life as winning and losing. If you don't stay in that subordinate position they will use tools to make you back off. Once you are completely confused, don't wish to discuss it anymore, stopped defending yourself, get upset, leave, etc - they have won. They are satisfied. They don't need to tell anyone, and hear the speeches about two to tango and work on yourself. They got what they are after, and are completely satisfied with themselves. It makes sense as to why they feel threatened by your departure. They can't let you win, but rage out of control when they feel you are.

verbal abuse,emotional abuse

To most people life isn't about winning and losing to that extreme. Its not so black and white. Patricia Evans book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship truly helped me figure out what I was dealing with. I won't say I agree with EVERYTHING she says, but I will tell you it helped clear the fog! It was like reading my life, and she was there in the living room with me.

It made me question things within my faith, and the counsel I was getting. Reading the conversation with Bella, and then trying to apply the counsel you get? I suppose people could question her 'chaste' behavior, but was that really it?

Victims need to KNOW what they are dealing with in order to cope and grow from the experience. I didn't have a chance with the excuses he was given. We are both sinners. When he sins against me I need to check myself for my own sin and actions that may have made him act that way. I was basically being told lets examine every particle about you, and find that one rub. There we solved the mystery! You aren't perfect! It takes two to tango! I worked on myself in the fashion they asked me to, but things got worse. What happened? Lets examine you again! WE found that flaw - you aren't perfect!

No wonder I was confused and lost. I can see why some churches may be threatened by secular information! Its sad I had go outside the faith to wake up and smell the reality. I don't think they me wanted to. I wonder if they enjoyed the 'Power Over' concept as well. Hmmmm. I highly recommend Patricia's book for clarity. If you are man that is a victim I was still recommend it. To me she is talking about the dynamics of an abusive relationship, and no matter WHO you are most of the concepts apply. I had a couple of readers that were males, and told me it gave them the same wake up I got! LOL! To cool! LET THE HEALING BEGIN!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil

4 comments Posted by Hannah at 12:44 PM

Jaycee Lee Dugard as many know by now has been found after 18 years. I was reading a story on Yahoo, and a few others about the fact people KNEW he was there with the children.

The quotes from these neighbors and others just made me cry. You hear about the ONE call to the police - ONE in 18 years. It makes me sick.

Its like the world has just decided that we just close our eyes, and stick to our own personal business. We can't get involved even with a anonymous call to the police. One person in 18 years did that. That fact makes me very angry! Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil!

They are going to want to hang the police out to dry for missing things when they did come to the house, and never bothered going into the backyard where they were. We don't know all the circumstances around that yet, but you just watch no one will wish to look at all the others that blew things off as well.

Damon Robinson has lived next door to the Garridos for more than three years and his then-girlfriend in 2006 told him she saw tents in the backyard and children. Kids on the block called him "Creepy Phil."

"I told her to call police. I told her to call right away," he said.

Monica Adams, 33, whose mother lives on their street, said she knew Phillip Garrido was a sex offender and that he had children living with him. Other neighbors knew, too, but they assumed police were keeping tabs on him.

"He never bothered any one, he kept to himself," Adams said. "What would we have done? You just watch your own."

hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil

It makes me wonder how many other people are in similar situations under people's noses that they don't want to get involved in. How many others KNOW of molesters having children in their homes, and NOT wishing to call the police. We need to just WATCH our own!

Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil!

The detached nature and the rose colored glasses people use. Is is any wonder WHY so much abuse is present in the world?

How many more stories does the world need to hear about when you are talking AWFUL circumstances like this, and come to find out no one did a thing.

One campus personnel that had an hint something wasn't right, and NOW she and her children get to find ways of surviving life. One person with very little contact had enough compassion for fellow humans to go the extra mile. Thank the LORD for that person!

People are going rage about the sick mind of Phillip Garrido. There is no doubt that man is, but we never look to ourselves do we? What is wrong with US as a society when we have so many clues, and never do anything to follow up on them?

To me - Phillip Garrido isn't the only one with issues. We aren't going to look further are we?

That to me is the saddest part. I will be praying for Jaycee and everyone involved with her. Goodness knows they have such a hard road ahead. I can't even imagine! Phillip Garrido and his wife are responsible for the kidnapping and what happened afterwards, but 'we look after our own' attitude played into the length of time Jaycee and her family had to endure this.

When are we going to realize the "Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil" stand isn't working! We can't stop child abuse or sexual abuse until we take a good hard look ourselves.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Poems about Domestic Violence

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 1:31 PM

Domestic Violence and the Workplace and posted three poems of domestic violence on their sites.

One truly hit me hard.

What It Means To Be A Victim

I am the beast

Which you have lain upon the alter

An offering to an angry God

I am the one

Chosen for purity's sake

Whose throat will be slit

As my blood spills out

Ask yourself

Have you come closer to God?

Is God now happy?

As my blood runs down the street

Ask yourself

Can we now find peace?

Or must we come back to this alter?

Again and again

I am the one

That sacrificial beast

I think the church needs to FEEL this one so that we can stop the sacrificial alter calls.

Additional Poems:

You can't

What It Means To Be A Victim

A Chosen Vessel

Will You Love me To Death

Shattered Pieces

Recycled Rose

Saturday Night Special


Monday, August 24, 2009

Submit to your husband

1 comments Posted by Hannah at 12:41 PM

I think I have made myself clear over the years that I don't believe that scripture should be used as weapons against your spouse. The gender isn't an issue here. Its a sin no matter who you are.

submit to your husband

Susan's Sunny Side... This is my life...
had an article today that truly bothered me. The blogger herself didn't - it was the concept of the Irish Catholic Church wanting to change scripture. I won't say that I can't understand WHY they wish to do this when you look at domestic violence within the church, but I don't think I can agree that changing scripture is going to change attitudes.

She mentions:

I was to read that in August 2000, the Irish Catholic Church proposed dropping seven texts from a proposed new Lectionary because they "give an undesirably negative impression regarding women." The Irish Bishops' new Domestic Violence document recommended the following texts for deletion.

Reading II Eph 5:21 - 32 or 5:2a, 25-32
Brothers and sisters:Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church,he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ,so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.Husbands, love your wives,even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her,cleansing her by the bath of water with the word,that he might present to himself the church in splendor,without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,that she might be holy and without blemish. So also husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church,because we are members of his body.For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife,and the two shall become one flesh.This is a great mystery,but I speak in reference to Christ and the church.


Brothers and sisters:Live in love, as Christ loved us. Husbands, love your wives,even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her,cleansing her by the bath of water with the word,that he might present to himself the church in splendor,without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,that she might be holy and without blemish. So also husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church,because we are members of his body.For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife,and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery,but I speak in reference to Christ and the church.

Changing scripture?

Changing scripture to me isn't going to stop the attitudes of those that abuse others. To me this a heart and soul deal, and SURE scripture had been used incorrectly I agree. Changing the scripture isn't going to solve the issue. The sinful habit patterns of the person doesn't change by rewriting scripture to somehow uplift women.

To me this is another easy way out, and scripture isn't the problem! The problem is the humans, and their abuse they thrust upon others. NO! I don't think it will even SLOW them down!

We can't avoid dealing with domestic violence, sexual abuse, and child abuse by changing scripture to make it more - I don't know even or something? It makes no sense to me.

Instead we need to deal the brokeness of those that abuse, and those that are abused. We need to change our outlooks, attitudes, and culture. We need to stop hiding from the hard work that NEEDS to be done! Controlling behavior isn't going to stopped in this way! You don't stop or even slow down the cycle of abuse by changing text. People don't stop being emotional abusers towards their spouses and children, and their sense of entitlement due to this.

Am I missing something here? It makes no sense to me. To me God would wish us to do the hard work towards the attitudes of the people on this planet, and not think that changing scripture is going to help them in this way.

To me this is a stand of laziness and denial. It may sound good on the surface, but it isn't going to work the way they feel it will. Afterall scripture doesn't 'give an undesirably negative impression regarding women'. Humans find ways of doing that.

What you do think? Is changing things like SUBMIT your husband going to stop them from demanding it anyway?

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Hiding Place

0 comments Posted by Hannah at 3:39 PM

I remember as a child by father took us to see this movie, and you can see interviews of Corrie Ten Boom online as well.

Here is the trailer I found on youtube!

The Ten Boom family were devoted Christians who dedicated their lives in service to their fellow man. Their home was always an "open house" for anyone in need. Through the decades the Ten Booms were very active in social work in Haarlem, and their faith inspired them to serve the religious community and society at large.

During the Second World War, the Ten Boom home became a refuge, a hiding place, for fugitives and those hunted by the Nazis. By protecting these people, Casper and his daughters, Corrie and Betsie, risked their lives. This non-violent resistance against the Nazi-oppressors was the Ten Booms' way of living out their Christian faith. This faith led them to hide Jews, students who refused to cooperate with the Nazis, and members of the Dutch underground resistance movement.

During 1943 and into 1944, there were usually 6-7 people illegally living in this home: 4 Jews and 2 or 3 members of the Dutch underground. Additional refugees would stay with the Ten Booms for a few hours or a few days until another "safe house" could be located for them. Corrie became a ringleader within the network of the Haarlem underground. Corrie and "the Beje group" would search for courageous Dutch families who would take in refugees, and much of Corrie's time was spent caring for these people once they were in hiding. Through these activities, the Ten Boom family and their many friends saved the lives of an estimated 800 Jews, and protected many Dutch underground workers.

On February 28, 1944, this family was betrayed and the Gestapo (the Nazi secret police) raided their home. The Gestapo set a trap and waited throughout the day, seizing everyone who came to the house. By evening about 30 people had been taken into custody! Casper, Corrie and Betsie were all arrested. Corrie’s brother Willem, sister Nollie, and nephew Peter were at the house that day, and were also taken to prison.

I found the Movie Online for THE HIDING PLACE, and I wanted to share with those that may wish to watch it. I know it was triggering for me as a child, and may also be trigger for others. They sacrificed all for truth of God's way.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Is the church a safe place to repent?

4 comments Posted by Hannah at 9:01 PM

The Internet Monk wrote in an article called, Is there a Place to Repent?

I Corinthians 6:9-11

6: 9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, 10 or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. 11 Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. -Paul the Apostle, First Letter to the Corinthians

He spoke of how we have heard this scripture stated many times, and how you have heard if you don’t repent of those sins you will not inherit your place in Heaven. What he does say that makes a lot of sense to me is that the church at isn’t to welcoming to those on that rocky road to repentance. Once you are received within that Christian bubble you are no longer moving from one type of person to another, but you are already THERE in a lot of cases it seems to me!

This may shed some light on the situation in I Corinthians chapter 5, where Paul says the Corinthians are “proud of” their acceptance of a man living in a Jerry Springer-esque relationship with his step-mother. Acceptance of the sinner may have been the Corinthian’s strong suit if chapter 6 is any evidence, and their lack of discernment and leadership may have let them to sometimes tolerate too easily- even gladly- what they should have sometimes excluded as incompatible with belonging to Christ. In fact, a number of passages in these letters leave the impression that the Corinthians’ acceptance of real sinners and their patience in dealing with real sin may have gone off track without unified, mature leadership.

What I want you to see, however, is that their acceptance of sinful, repenting, in-the-process-of-changing new believers was a legitimate and importance application of the Gospel. We don’t just arrive at the destination; we travel the road and the road may be less than a straight line. The Christian community into which the Corinthians were all baptized as converts was, at any one moment, a community of persons moving from one kind of person to another; a community of persons acquiring in real time the inheritance and realities given them in their union with Christ in baptism and

Our only other choice is to assume that the person who was “once” on the list in chapter 6 was excluded from the community until they became the new “you” of the same verses. There are Christians and communities that strive to be this very thing: communities where all transformation is instantaneous and the stated rules render the process of repentance and personal transformation unspeakable…unless it is finished. This, by the way, is the genius of Paul’s “sin lists,” which always counterbalance the “big” sins with what we would judge as more mundane sins, by human comparison. Of course you must exclude a persistent sexual sinner, but “greedy” people? We can work on that as we go along. No need to make a big deal about that sort of thing.

I’m not suggesting that Paul or any New Testament writer was advocating that anyone in leadership would be in the process of committing scandalous sin. The pastoral letters are clear on such matters. I am suggesting, with good evidence I think, that the Corinthian fellowship contained persons who entered into the Christian journey as they repented from real sins, and that such repentance was ongoing and, I’m certain, imperfect. That the church is to be a “hospital for sinners” and not a ward of healthy people telling stories of their former illnesses is a challenging calling.

Now I have more than a Bible study in mind this morning, and I want to get to the point. I think there are sins we virtually don’t talk about at all simply because we don’t want people in the process of repenting of those sins around us or our families, and so we fail to see that the church as community is, in many ways, much more like the moralistic, judgmental secular world than like the movement that grows from Jesus and his world-altering Gospel.

He went on and spoke about the sin of domestic violence, emotional abuse within the secular and faith communities. He will admit it’s rampant within both, and he is NOT the type that tells you to go home and SUBMIT to your husband!

He mentioned that he has read – as we all have – that abusive people will never change. He didn't agree with that statement. I personally have never believed that either, but I can understand why people do at times. What I think he has a good point about is there is no place in the church for a repenting abuser.

No fellowship of mere humans can create the community where everyone can repent openly. It’s just not possible. Some sins and their consequences are too controversial and dangerous, even in the process of sincere repentance. Most churches are too imperfect to love every sinner as they should be loved. No church can turn an eye to realities of risk and recurrence

That could be WHY they deny the existence of domestic violence within the church to begin with! Their instant transformation can’t be a reality if the risk of recurrence is there! I do believe that abusers will have recurrences within their path of healing and repentance. Heck the victims will have recurrences of the codependency at times – among other issues. Its not something you can just shake off one day, and be clean as a whistle the next!

What it will take is a lot of effort, education, love, counsel and acceptance. We need these things will BE THERE if people want them bad enough…and are willing to work for towards repentance. That God wants this for you, and he will be there to help you on this path. The church must be a safe haven to speak about this, and are willing to be a support system, accountability partner, and deal with reality…and not FLUFF! It’s going to take more than the words, “Leave it at the CROSS”. Yes, the church HAS to go there! It will be ugly, messy, and hard to deal with at times.

You’d probably be more surprised to learn that the woman next to you at the gym is there because her husband verbally abuses her about her weight. Or what your best friend’s husband is doing on that work computer. Or who is on the sex offender’s registry because as a 22 year old public school coach they had consensual sex with a 17 year old student. Or who is addicted to prescription medications. Or who punched their 15 year old son in the jaw. Or who is paying the mortgage having sex with strangers off of Craig’s list. Or who is a three time convicted shoplifter. Or who was arrested for a DUI last month. Or who smokes pot every day.

Yes, most of us don’t want to think about it, because these are messy, life dominating sins, scattering trails of wreckage behind them that no one wants to become involved with. But we preach the Gospel to them when we preach it to anyone.

We have a Word to hear, an aisle to walk, water to be washed in and a table to come to, but do we have a people gathered around that Gospel who will strive to make a community of repentance possible?

verbally abusive

I think the author of this article brings up some good points. You don't hear to much about those sins, and the struggle to get past them to often. You hear the testimonies once they have overcame their struggles, but not to much concentration on the path of those struggles.

I remember years ago I was struggling with my marriage, and I knew something was wrong. I just couldn't place my finger on the cause, and as 'worldly' as it sounds I needed a label so I knew what I was dealing with. Heck I concentrated on ME for years! I know this sounds silly, but I played Melanie Wilkes of Gone with the Wind! I tried to be gentle, loving, positive, encouraging! I tried to do ALL for everyone, and be happy about it. I refused to see the negative and tried to be as empathic towards everything. YES the true me was lost along the way playing this role, but if that made my marriage successful - the kids happy...WELL I was willing to do this! I guess you could say that was my visual for the Proverb 31 woman! If I did all these things my family would appreciate me, and I would finally could be seen with worth as mentioned in Proverbs 31. The abuse would stop, and I prayed that God changed both of us.

I knew alot of the uglies issues of my life were not things you could bring up in polite christian conversation. I knew the answers I would get, and I was trying those! It wasn't working, because things were getting worse instead of better. One day I came across an article called, The Silence Killer of Christian Marriages. You would think, "WOW she got her label!" I did get my label, but for a long time I fought the doubts of my reality, and the ownership of the real issues. It wasn't easy, and I struggled with it alone. YES I'm talking within the human realm! I didn't want to own that I was being abused, and that my husband was abusive! I went down the, 'Its not that bad' path WAY to many times trying to talk myself out of it. It wasn't a badge of honor as other's describe people using it for me. I know its not for others as well, but you would have a hard time finding people that believe that. Its truly sad if you think about it.

You want to know WHY I did it alone? One Lovely Mess is a great example of WHY I didn't wish to go to people within the church! If I would just do it better things would be dandy! I just didn't have the energy to educate people at that point, and I was tired of fighting with people to make them see my world. When I did they questioned my reality, and I have to admit it hurt and was very demeaning. I was struggling enough with what I knew my reality was, and I didn't need to help with that portion. I didn't need more shame, because I had enough at that point. I still wonder why people feel that is the way to go.

I did find help, and I would get angry at those types of responses for a while. God showed me that anger wasn't the way to go. I learned to feel pity for abusers and their enablers that ask you to submit to sin. That divert the conversation about how females use more words, and chances are you are the one doing the abusing by the way! They like abusers divert the issues into other areas instead of dealing with them, and place most of the blame squarely on your shoulders.

Know that I do not write this to excuse any of the sinful behaviors of men. I write this to show that they are not the only sinners in the equation, and that Biblical submission can change the entire picture....
They claim they "GET IT" after they shame the hell out of you, and make you feel worse. Make you question if you should EVER open your mouth again about your pain! You know they don't get it, because mouthing off to an abusive person can get you HURT! They refuse to own that part, and you must have provoked them. YOU MUST HAVE, and they are more than willing to dissect everything to find it for you! LOL! YES they have to dissect it to make them feel their good counsel! You are trying to shake off the denial and doubt, and they are telling you to keep it. I have come to find out that I'm not the one in denial, and people will not talk me into going back there. The truth was hard enough to find, and was hard enough to accept. The truth sent me free!

I pray for those that give that type of counsel. I pray that when they are in pain that they are not treated as they treat others. I pray they have an empathic ear, and council that is encouraging. That will pray for them and with them. That they will be honest with them, and admit at times they don't know the answers all the time! Its okay to PRAY for those! Its okay to point out the uglies on both parties sides, but before you do that? Make sure you know what you are talking about, and WHAT you are dealing with! Diversion doesn't work. It never has.

Is the church a safe place to repent? It could be if they are willing to acknowledge the ugly, and help you deal with the dirty. Until such time? I wonder if it will be safe for most anyone!

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